Chapter 4: Stand By Me

As I walk back along the corridors towards the dorms, I begin forming a plan for the rest of the day. One that involves me putting off a trip to the library, instead opting to spend time with Nanima while I allow Haruki to break things off with Alicia. Although, is this the best idea? Should I really be trying to force two people together? What if it goes wrong and they start hating each other's guts? That, combined with the constant threat of a power failure, could well be enough to force one of them off the deep end and result in yet another killing. No. I shake my head, looking like a complete moron as I walk past my own room, reaching the point of no return. I simply can't imagine either of them having the heart to murder anyone. But then again, didn't I think that about the others? Ryusuke, Akira, Zange. All three were people I never thought capable of such gruesome acts. It's terrifying what this place does to us.

However, I've come too far to waver now. I have to stick to the plan. I rap my knuckles against Nanima's door four times, and when no reply comes, I try the doorbell instead. I wait. Is she even in here? I pull out my e-Handbook and it appears she is indeed in her room. Nothing for it but to try again. I'm beginning to get concerned now, so I attempt to force the door open to no avail. She's locked herself in.

"Nanima!" I shout. I try to look through the keyhole, but it's so miniscule I can't see a thing. "Can you hear me?"

"I would guess not, but I most certainly can," says a cold, familiar voice behind me. I jump, backing up against the door as I see Rin standing behind me, a stack of books in her arms. She really needs to cut that shit out before I have a heart attack.

"What the hell?" I ask, my frustration and anxiety escaping in an exclamation of fury.

"I have some new reading material for everyone," she replies, remaining composed. "I believe that books are the best way to combat the despair that Monokuma wishes to bring forth. How can one possibly possess the urge to kill another when engrossed in classic literature?" She's putting forth a compelling case, but she almost seems a little too eager for us to make this hospital our home. Plus, I think she's forgetting something.

"Is that a good idea?" I ask. "Last time you tried to run a book club, you got someone killed."

"That is true, comrade," Rin says, glancing down at the cover of book on top of the pile. "Perhaps I should have been more careful. Agatha Christie was a rather poor choice. In light of this, I chose a novel that manages to be both thematically appropriate and less likely to provide material for a murder."

"Let's have a look then," I say, plucking a book out of the pile. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken Kesey. The cover depicts a man, presumably a mental patient, being strapped down by two doctors while a sour-faced matron looks on. Boy, this is gonna be cheery. Just the thing we need to lift our spirits.

"Isn't it just fantastic?" Rin asks as she takes another copy of the pile and places it on top of the one I've been examining. "If you can pry Nanima's attention away from those ghastly electronic devices of hers for a few minutes, perhaps she can read this."

"That's if she doesn't take the power out first," I respond jovially. "I take it you've thought about that possibility?"

"Why, of course, Shinji," Rin says. "I'm no fool. There are ways one can read books without the aid of electricity. Humanity spent thousands of years reading books via alternative light sources before Edison and his lightbulbs came along. Fear not, for I have made preparations. Tomorrow evening, all shall be revealed…" As she slinks away in her typical fashion, I hear the rattling of a doorknob and the creak of Nanima's door opening.

"Sh-Shinji?" I turn around and see the former internet darling standing in the doorway, eyes bleary, hood up, headphones on, the whole shebang.

"Nanima, what happened?" I ask, concerned. "You really don't look well." Immediately, the tears start flowing and she begins to relay the incident to me between her sobs, pressing her head against my shoulder.

"He… Deus… he came up behind me while I was trying to open my door… and he… he was saying all these horrible, perverted things he wanted to do to me… and he… he tried to touch me! I had to push him away and lock myself in here until he left me alone…" Suddenly, I have the urge to kill. Well, perhaps not kill, but at least dole out a severe beating. Not that I have the physical strength to do that. I clench my fists, crumpling the two paperbacks I've been holding. I grit my teeth, close my eyes, wait for the animalistic urges to begin to fade, and then respond in as calm a fashion as possible, knowing that creating more animosity between us is exactly what Monokuma is after right now.

"I won't let that happen again," I assure Nanima. Why didn't I follow? I should have done more to prevent this. If Nanima is even thinking of blaming herself for this for any reason, I won't allow it. Deus is completely at fault here.

"Thank you," she squeaks, still sobbing. "I… I'm sorry I'm such a bother…"

"You're really not," I say, and that's mostly true. It bothers me that it seems like nobody else helps her out in times like this. It's annoying that I'm the only one who ever has to deal with this shit. I'm stretching myself pretty fucking thin dealing with everyone's problems. I'd say I've hardly had the time to process my own grief, but I had a whole night for that. Not that it's helped. But I can't go around blaming everyone for my own emotional state. If we're ever going to make it out of this shithole, I've got to shut that all away, compartmentalise it. I don't have time to be depressed right now. I've got other things planned. Might have to slightly tweak those plans given what Nanima's just been through…

"You wanna hang out for a bit?" I enquire. "I was thinking maybe we could go up to the music room. I always wanted to learn an instrument. Don't think there'll ever be a better time than now." I've deliberately chosen something that will make it easier for me to naturally bring Haruki up in conversation. Merely asking about him out of the blue would just come off weird.

"S-sure," she says, lifting up her head. I'm expecting to look down and see a mess that resembles a scene from a horror film, but thankfully it seems that particular crisis has been averted. A little eyeshadow, maybe, but nobody's going to notice that.

"You might wanna clean up a little first," I advise. Black streaks running down your face is never fashionable. Who was it who wore that dumb looking black and white makeup and always waggled his abnormally long tongue? The name's escaped me.

"Okay, give me a few minutes," Nanima says, nipping off to the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door. I take some time to look around her room, placing one of the books Rin gave me on top of an old Playstation. This room's full of odd trinkets and electronic devices, lots of boxes, and even a few posters. Nanima's really made this place her own. There's such a clear contrast between her cluttered yet organised room and my completely bare dormitory. Was my life outside really that boring? I guess it was, in a few ways. Much of it was spent finding ways to keep myself occupied and entertained during the small hours. Even though my family is comfortably well off, I've never been particularly materialistic. What's the point in having the latest cutting-edge smartphone? I don't even have a smartphone. I'm the kind of person who sticks with the same thing until it breaks. That's completely the opposite to the way Nanima operates.

It makes a lot of sense for Nanima to have such a vast collection of objects. She's a trend-setter, a trailblazer in her chosen field, and as such she has to keep on top of all the latest technology, buy every games console as it comes out and queue up for midnight launches of the hottest new games on the market. Whatever it takes to keep the viewers happy and give them what they want. That's one of the reasons her streams were so compelling. You never could tell what was coming next. Her streams were often scheduled, starting and finishing at precise times, but the content was always a bit of a mystery until the stream began. Sometimes there was a theme, sometimes not, but one thing was always for certain: Nanima would give it her all, no matter what. She's never been one to let down an audience.

The fact that she never missed a single stream in all the time I watched her content really shows her dedication. That's got to be one of the big reasons she's really struggled to adapt to this new life. To be so consistent for so long and then suddenly be completely torn away from that lifestyle is shocking enough, but then having the killing game thrown in on top of all that, exposing her powerlessness to prevent truly awful events from happening... It really is no wonder she can't hide her true emotions anymore. How could anyone when faced with such bleak horrors? Even Hikari had trouble coping with that once she figured out the truth. As for myself, well, I promised myself I'd stay strong. For her. I can't let Hikari down. I've got to get everyone out of here alive.

Mercifully, Nanima doesn't take too long to clean herself up and reapply her makeup. I've heard all the horror stories about women apparently taking hours to get ready in the morning or for a night out, but so far it seems I've managed to avoid that in life. In a way I'm sort of surprised, given that Nanima's appearance is something she prides herself on. She must've learned over the years how to do it as quickly as possible. Either way, I'm glad not to be alone with my thoughts anymore, and I'm sure Nanima feels the exact same way.

"You didn't have to wait out here, you know," she says. "You're perfectly welcome to watch me if you want."

"Uh, thanks?" I reply, not quite knowing what to make of this. Does she think I'd be interested in watching her do something so mundane? Then again, I did used to watch her content a lot back in the day, although 'mundane' is definitely not the word I'd use to describe it. What I wouldn't give for a bit of mundanity right now. Maybe learning an instrument will be mundane enough for me.

"So, which instrument do you wanna learn?" Nanima asks as we climb the stairs. Bollocks, I hadn't thought that far ahead. Quick, think of an instrument!

"…Guitar?" I say apprehensively.

"Awesome choice!" Nanima hollers, her pre-despair enthusiasm returning. "I've been playing guitar since I was seven, so I can definitely help you out with that one." I let her take the lead from this point onwards, guiding me to the music room where she clears some space in the middle of the floor and pulls up two stools for us to sit on. I place my copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest on the floor beside my stool, ready to fail at playing guitar.

"You want nylon or steel strings?" Nanima asks as she pores over the string section.

"Whichever you think works best," I answer. Nylon or steel? I had no idea there were different types of strings. I can already tell this is going to be a complete disaster. No matter how relentlessly positive Nanima might be, I just know I'm gonna be shit at this. After a short while, my teacher returns to me with an instrument of her choice, placing it delicately into my hands. What am I supposed to do next? I look at her quizzically, hoping for some guidance.

"Wow, you really are new to this, aren't you?" she says, but not in a mean-spirited sort of way. She wouldn't have that in her. "Okay, so, the neck of the guitar, that's the fret board. You place your fingers on your weaker hand on that to create the notes." I adjust myself on the stool so I can reach the end of the guitar's neck easier, resting my other hand over the hole in the middle. Thankfully, I get that right at least, as Nanima sits across from me and assumes a similar position.

"Okay, to start with, let's just practice strumming," she says. "Then after that, we can move onto a few basic chords. And if you're feeling confident, we can try and play a full song! Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," I reply, nodding. Nanima guides me through each individual string and the note each one should be, at which point we both realise my guitar is badly out of tune. After that little hiccup, we begin in earnest, progressing from strumming technique to a G, a D and an A chord. It's a lot harder than it looks, and much more painful too. Apparently, if you can't feel the strings digging into your flesh, you're doing it wrong, as any other time, the notes either come out muted or with a faint buzzing as the strings vibrate. I'm not sure I like this, if I'm honest. Why didn't I just stick with piano? That seems like it'd be a lot less painful.

"You're doing great," Nanima assures me, although personally I think my skills are sorely lacking. And my fingers are just sore. "It takes a long time to master any instrument. You just have to practice a lot. We should try and set some time aside each day to come up here and work on it. If we do that, you'll start seeing improvements in no time!" Do I want to agree to this?

"I guess it can't do any harm," I find myself saying before I even realise it. My poor fingers. Gonna have to run them under a cold tap after this or stick them in an ice bucket or something.

"Awesome!" Nanima exclaims. "Just the answer I was hoping for! You wanna keep going, or do you think we should wrap it up there for today? I don't mind either way, it's totally fine." This is the side of Nanima I've always been happy to see, and the side I'm hoping will stick around. Given the right support, she could become the embodiment of the hope we need to overcome Monokuma's despair. She needs to be able to develop stronger bonds with the others. Perhaps forcing her to spend even more time with me is slightly counter-intuitive, but it's getting her out of her room and that's a good starting point.

"Think my fingers need a break if nothing else," I reply, setting the guitar down on the floor and watching Nanima intently. Is now the right time to say something?

"Okay. Guess we'll pick it back up tomorrow. Your fingers will get used to it eventually." Good. I could definitely do without my fingertips being lacerated on a daily basis.

"So uh…" Words start tumbling out of my mouth, but I find myself hesitating. Why? What's the holdup? I need to do this quickly. "…Could you play me a song?" Not quite there, but close enough. A bit of a roundabout way of reaching my goal for today.

"Sure thing," Nanima says, casually flicking her hair away from her face. "Let's see… oh! I know! One of my favourites from when I was growing up! If only Hikari was here now, she'd love this one." Yeah, if only… The moment she starts plucking away, I recognise those opening notes. And then, she starts to sing in the most genuinely beautiful voice I've heard.

"When the night has come, and the land is dark…" Stand By Me. Of course it is. She's right, Hikari would have loved it. Lots of memories are beginning to resurface. Four boys walking along a railroad track. You'll never have friends like those again. Thing is, I never did have those friends. When I was twelve years old, I wasn't going off on adventures looking for dead bodies, I was a god-fearing insomniac who was almost totally withdrawn from the world and was just about to be whisked back to Japan and have an absolutely terrible time going through a late-onset puberty. I wish I'd had those friends. What you do in those formative years can shape everything that comes after.

"No I won't shed a tear," the lyrics go, but I do, because I feel like there's something missing from my life. Like those years of innocent misspent youth, the time before you find the body and realise just how dark and fucked up the world can be, never happened for me. My home life was a bit of a wreck before the big move to Milan. Dad worked extremely long hours so I hardly ever saw him. Mum did what she could, but she missed being able to have an active social life, and looking back, I can tell that there were times she would rather have been out meeting with friends than having to bring up a child, but she had me, she loved me and she would never abandon me. I hope she's okay. I hope she doesn't think I've abandoned her, or that I resent her for doting on Haruka more than she ever did me.

Maybe it's too late for me to have those adventures now, to be able to act like the most important question in the world is what kind of animal Goofy is meant to be, but there is one thing I can still do. Stand by Nanima. Stand by everyone. This killing game is our formative pilgrimage. We've all seen a dead body now, not just one, but multiple. Childhood is over. It's time to turn the tables on our oppressor, use our newfound worldly wisdom to find the way out of this place. The people I've met here are the ones who are truly irreplaceable. Especially the ones we've lost along the way. We can't let that happen again. Even when the night comes and the hospital grows dark, my tiny bedside lamp providing the only light I see, I won't be afraid. Not as long as you stand by me.

"Will you… will you stand by me? Always?" Nanima asks as she brings her performance to an end. I should probably have been paying more attention to her hands and their positioning as she was playing so I could attempt to emulate it later, but I got distracted. I couldn't even try to guess what chords she played.

"I will," I promise. Now's the time to strike. "That was great. Really, it was. Haruki's got competition."

"You really think I'm that good?" Nanima asks, beginning to blush. "I mean, he is the Ultimate Singer, after all…"

"I do. And I think if you sang to him, he'd say the same thing," I reply. No idea if there's any truth to that or not, but I've got to sell this idea. "Maybe you ought to hang out with him more. Better than me being your only friend in this place, right?" Nanima shifts uncomfortably in her seat, clasping her hands together and knotting her fingers together.

"I guess…" She can't even look me in the eye. Is that a good sign or not? She shouldn't be nervous. By this point she should know there's no reason to be scared of Haruki. Dude's the biggest softie I've ever known. He's an excellent cook too. What more could a woman possibly want?

"Hey, don't worry, it'll be fine," I say. The roles have reversed and now I'm the one giving out advice. "Just go up and say 'hi' next time you see him. You two have got a lot in common so the rest should just come naturally."

"Okay," she says, finally looking me in the eye. "If that's what you want me to do, then… I'll do it." Her expression is one of steely determination. "If it's going to help us get out of here, I've got to! There's so much waiting for us all outside. Let's not lose sight of that!" She's not wrong, but I'm not sure she catches my drift. Oh well. Can't be too pushy. Like I said, the rest should just come naturally.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Damn, is it really night time already? Time sure flew. As usual, Monokuma's ghastly visage pops up on a conveniently located screen while he delivers his nightly message.

"Attention, students! It is now 10pm, and night time is about to begin! The cafeteria and the recreation room are now locked until morning! Additionally, there will be no access to electricity or water until morning! Good night, sleep tight! And don't let the bed bugs bite! Although I'd hope there are no bed bugs here, this being a sterile environment and all! TTFN! Ta-ta for now!" No electricity OR water? How are we meant to find our way back to our dorms and brush our teeth before we go to bed? Fortunately, Nanima is astute enough to realise that a lack of electricity doesn't stop our e-Handbooks from working, pulling hers out of the vast pocket of her hoodie. I follow suit, sweeping up my book as I step off the stool, and together we're able to easily navigate the corridors and stairs. It seems like these resilient little devices have an absurdly long battery life. Good job really, because we were never given chargers for them. And they're definitely going to come in handy now that we're going to be without power for long stretches at a time.

"Thanks for today," Nanima says as we stand outside the door to her room. "This was really nice. I'm glad we've been able to spend so much time together lately." Yeah, it's been fun, but my fingers hurt like hell. No cold water to run, worse luck. I'll just have to tough it out until it fades.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then," I say, turning around, but Nanima places a hand on my shoulder, a gesture that suggests unfinished business.

"Before you go, there's something I want to give you." I turn around, observing as the gamer uses the light of her e-Handbook to help her look through one of her multitude of boxes, from which she fishes out an object shaped like a small piano. She returns to the doorway and places it in my hand. "Go ahead. Open it up." I lift the lid of the tiny piano, expecting something to be hidden inside, but instead, I discover it's a music box. And it's playing Stand By Me…

"You… you had this sitting around all this time?" I ask, taken aback by this gesture. She knows I cried a little when she was singing it earlier, and not only that, she seems to realise what that song means to me. Yes, it reminds me of my utter loneliness and isolation in my early teens, but at the same time, it brings me hope. Hope that we can all overcome this horrid despair together. Gods, I'm welling up again. Yes, I will shed a tear…

"This is our song from now on. Promise me you'll hold onto this music box forever." Well, this is an odd request, but I agree to it since it might help some of those long nights not feel so long. Nanima's response is to spread her arms wide and embrace me in a soft, warm hug. What is it with the girls in this place and randomly giving me hugs? Am I a huggable kind of guy? I dunno; I've certainly never given it much thought before. Problem is, it's just not the same as when Hikari did it. She'd literally throw herself at me, put so much force behind it that I felt the life being squeezed out of me, all that love being channelled into an action. Will I ever be capable of feeling love again?

"Goodnight, Nanima," I say as she lets go. As she turns away to close her bedroom door, I swear I see a tear in her eye too. Must be the music box. I knew I should've closed the damn thing. With a flick of my finger, I push down the lid and the music ceases. I walk back to my own bedroom and collapse onto the bed, placing my latest acquisitions on the bedside table. Finally, something to decorate this place with. Now, how on Earth do I occupy myself until daybreak? There really isn't much I can do. I can't read in the dark, and I've only got so many matches. Hold on… Rin has access to 'alternative light sources.' I could easily read by candle-light. However, that would require me to venture back into the library. Am I ready to face that fear? Tonight, I might just have to be.


A.N.: Back again so soon? Yep! Felt motivated enough to push out another chapter. Uni's been pretty great so far, actually integrated myself fairly quickly and already made some friends. Feeling pretty positive about everything in spite of some fairly recent heartbreak. Hesitant to say that the hiatus is over, but this is by far the most creative I've felt in a long while so I'll try and at least make some progress before I get swamped with assignments.