No one could keep a front up forever, and Sakuraknew that most of all.
It was just that when she thought she'd finally crack from the pressure, it would be an angry outburst at her reflection in the mirror or a sobbing rage she'd inflict on a training ground that wished her no harm. She thought she'd have time—perhaps a few years at most before she lost control.
It wasn't.
It had been a merely a day after her return from her mission with Ibiki and Genma, and all it took was an apology she didn't expect and a crying girl that stopped her for a moment.
No, Sakura didn't think she'd break down in the middle of a busy street.
And she certainly didn't expect Kakashi there to witness.
::
Ibiki opened the cabinet above the sink, hoping to eat a bowl of cereal before heading down to his office where millions of piles of paperwork he missed the duration of the month would mock him the next several days. And instead of finding something decent, the oddly difficult tug of the handle revealed that the cabinet was actually no longer a cabinet, but a cooled containment unit that held several rows of filled vials.
Poisons, probably.
"Sakura!" he called. Her voice filtered out from somewhere down the hall.
"Yeah?"
"Where did you put the cornflakes?"
"Um... try the cabinet to the left!"
And he did. But he was rewarded with another difficult tug and another cooled containment unit with even more vials. "It's not this one!"
"Then the one beneath the sink?!"
That one had three jars in it. One filled to the brim with dead snakes, one crawling with the spiders from Suna, and the third filled with a dark liquid he was pretty sure was blood. To who or what it belonged to, he didn't know. Sakura entered the kitchen and peered over his shoulder.
"Huh. I was pretty sure I put those somewhere else," she said. "Did you try the pantry? That's where most the food is."
He stood and walked over to it. "You sure there's not a dead body inside?"
"Ha! I wouldn't keep dead bodies in the same place twice, old man. Keep up!"
And besides, it's not like the body was human. It was just one of the enormous centipedes from Training Ground 44 and she cleared out everything in there before stuffing the body inside for later use. Ibiki hadn't minded in the slightest, now far too used to her quirks at this point, and told her to make sure none of its bug juice got on the rugs or curtains. Genma screamed bloody murder when he came over for a snack. Anko laughed and high-fived her for doing a good job.
Finally finding the cereal in the body-free pantry, he plucked a bowl from the drying rack and watched Sakura work away at some formulas in her notebook.
"Poison work?"
"Yup."
"The two cabinets with the ones you already have ain't enough?" he asked. She clicked her pen and opened one of the cabinets to pull out a line of poisons and set it on the counter.
"Oh, they're enough. I'm actually working on the antidotes right now because literally every vial you saw is filled with pure toxin."
He stuffed a spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth. "I hope you realize this is a kitchen. You know, where we store and prepare the things we need to live."
She waved a hand nonchalantly. "Oh please, I'm not that careless. If I hadn't used chakra-enforced glass containers and sealed them off with tags, you know we'd both be dead by now."
How reassuring.
But he wasn't going to tell her to stop doing what she was doing. She'd been sinking herself into her work on poisons, seals, and chakra control ever since she was suspended and even if she already had a disposition towards that kind of work, she was using all her spare time to focus on it because she didn't want to think about what happened.
"You did clean all that shit from the pantry before putting the food back, right?"
She was a good kid. He didn't blame her.
"Yes, old man. I'd never put your beloved cereal in any harm."
But there must be something around for her to do besides being cooped up in the house all day. Genma promised a friend he'd help out with something today, he was sure Anko had a handful of cases lined up, and he wouldn't be done with the work until at least this time next week.
"I don't want you working on this the whole day. Go outside," Ibiki said. He got up and slipped his empty bowl into the sink and moved to the fridge to get the gallon of orange juice. Now, there were the last three overhead cabinets he had yet to open and he had a feeling the cups weren't in either one.
Sakura let out an exaggerated sigh. "Outside?" she groaned. "I was outside plenty when we were on the mission."
He opened the one beside the two cooled containment units and was met with several supplies. Scalpels, test tubes, syringes, droppers, a med kit, and other stuff of the sort.
"Really? I didn't notice. Unless you want to tell me what you did those two weeks you were gone, maybe how you managed for Momochi Zabuza and Terumi Mei to buy you dinner. Or you could tell me what you did when you left at two in the morning and came back with a bag full of sea creatures," he suggested, closing the cabinet.
"I'd rather go outside."
He opened the fourth cabinet from the right next. There were even more jars—animal or bug specimens suspended in fluid and one that was just filled with eyeballs.
"Fine with me as long as you do," he shrugged. He closed that cabinet too and went over to the last one. "If you can't think of anything, I have a list of errands you can run."
"For once, I might take you up on that," she said. The very last overhead cabinet was stocked with dozens of canisters of dried plants. He didn't think she'd be engaged on the medicinal side of things too, aside from healing. Ibiki shut it and tossed his ward a level stare.
"All of this is legal, right?"
She stopped writing and blinked. "What?"
"I'm sure you have over twenty different types of poisons, more than half not even found in Konoha. Doing work like this usually requires a permit from the Hokage," he informed slowly. When he saw the sheepish grin inching onto her face, he pinched his temple. "Of course. Stupid question. Everything you do is illegal."
"Not everything," she protested. "You heard what Genma said—if I don't get caught, it's not illegal. And I don't get caught for most things I do, I'll have you know."
Ibiki quirked an eyebrow. "Are you incriminating yourself?"
"No, because I haven't admitted to anything. And don't act all surprised, you're always accusing me of doing something you don't know about anyways."
He snorted. "Only because it's true," he reminded. He opened the cabinets attached to the island counter, inwardly basking in relief as he found all the dishes, cups, and utensils neatly arranged inside. Finally. "Now go get the errand list from my desk and make 'get the damned poisons permit from the Hokage' your top priority."
He didn't have to see her to know she pouted as she slipped off the stool to get what he requested from his room. As he poured himself a glass of juice, her outraged cry rang out.
"Old man! There's a billion things on this list—it'll take me hours to do them!"
"Then I suggest you get started."
She stomped back into the kitchen, muttering something under her breath, and cleaned all her stuff from the counter top. "You win this round, but don't think next time'll be just as easy!" she exclaimed. Sakura trudged to the door and pulled on her sandals. "Trust me! I'll get you back for this!"
He ignored the lousy threat and instead bid her goodbye the same way he always did. "Don't get arrested."
And in her familiar fashion, she responded. "Wouldn't dream of it. See you later, old man!"
The door clicked shut behind her.
::
When she was a good distance away from the house, she let Yori climb up from her pocket and nestle himself on her shoulder and hide beneath the fabric of her shirt. The newest letter from Sasori was as expected.
A top secret mission.
From the Mizukage.
And you tell me I'm an idiot for letting Kisame know about the time travel thing. No, no, wait. Scratch that. This is about as damn crazy as the time you told me you want to make Itachi the Rokudaime.
Also.
What the hell do you mean Madara's dead?!
You have a lot of explaining to do.
Marionette
"Did that man truly cause you that much trouble in the other timeline?" Yori questioned. Sakura turned a corner and got on the path towards Dan's office.
"If it weren't for his influence, the war would've never happened in the first place. But whoever managed to kill him is the problem now. There's only one person I can think of that has the power to kill someone like him, and if it's really who I think it is, it doesn't add up."
It really didn't add up in the slightest bit. No one aside Tobi and Zetsu knew Madara was still alive and the chances were more than slim that someone of great power could find out about his existence and then proceed to successfully kill him. Knowledge like that simply couldn't exist unless that aspect of the world changed too.
Or, maybe there was one small thing intentionally altered, like someone's way of thinking, that created a ripple effect?
"Yori."
"Yes, Sakura-san?"
She glanced around to make sure no one was around to listen. "I... nothing. Nevermind. Here, let me write up a reply to him real quick and you can take it back. I don't want to bore you with these errands anyways," she said. She scribbled a short answer to his missive and gave it to the scorpion.
Just come as soon as you can and I'll tell you what I know.
~H.S.
::
Kakashi had his book open as his two students struggled to gather the correct amount of chakra to help them climb the bark of a tree. Sasuke kept summoning too much, causing him to splinter the wood every time he got a couple of steps up. Naruto, in turn, kept summoning too little and would always tumble back onto the ground.
"Dobe, use more chakra."
"I'm trying!"
"You're not trying hard enough."
"But if I use too much I'll break the tree too!"
"Then don't use as much as me!"
"I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE USING, 'TTEBAYO!"
Kakashi flipped a page and focused on the first word.
... and the man stares. Stares for minutes, then hours, then days. For...
He squinted at the text. When did he get to this part? He could've sworn he was reading a much earlier section. So, he turned a few pages back and started reading from the part he remembered.
The man looks at himself in the mirror and is asked what he sees. He stares long and hard only to reply that it is himself. His face, his clothes, the glasses on his nose. But the one who asked says he's wrong and says to look with his heart.
"My heart has no eyes, therefore it cannot do your bidding."
"Then perhaps you..."
Kakashi's mind wandered off even as his eyes stayed the same. He left Sakura's file on Ibiki's desk and left before anyone at T&I saw him. That was days ago, but... he was still haunted by what he read. What he watched. What he listened to. He couldn't get what he learned out of his head. A part of him didn't want to believe it. Another part wished he never touched the file in the first place. A third wanted to forget everything about her.
And the whole of him wanted to tell her that he was sorry.
Unconsciously, he turned a page of his book.
Long before he met his teammates, he had a father: The Great White Fang of Konoha, Hatake Sakumo. He was a man with a heart of gold and took care of Kakashi to the best of his ability when his wife passed on. He made sure to teach his son the ways of a ninja to ensure that he would grow up making the right decisions. It didn't matter if everyone else thought it was wrong—if he knew it was right then that was good enough.
But then the whispers came. Kakashi heard them well. His father went on a mission and made the split decision to save his teammates instead of following through with a mission at a great expense to Konoha. Sakumo was hated and shunned for the choice he made.
What I did was right, Sakumo told him.
Nothing's wrong, Sakumo said.
I'm okay, Sakumo would smile.
But Kakashi didn't believe him. And one stormy night, his five year old self crept down the stairs. A small echo of a thump washed over his house and he'd gone to inspect what it was. A mouse? An intruder?
No.
His father's dead body after he committed seppuku.
An honorable death, it was called. Suicide. Kakashi saw nothing honorable about it. So there, him as a newly minted genin, promised himself that he'd follow the rules no questions asked. If a superior gave an order, it was to be followed. He swore to himself that if he had any students of his own, he would drill the rules into their skulls so none of them disobeyed his words.
But Sakura did.
Kakashi turned a page.
When he became jounin and met his new team years later, he slowly learned to treasure them. Rin supported him with her unconditional love, Obito fought him with the morals he held high and the determination he had to his friends, and Minato wanted to guide them all to greatness. Even if he didn't show it on the outside, Kakashi grew to love the three of them. They were his family and he wouldn't let them go no matter what.
Then Iwa. Then Kakashi couldn't move. Then Rin pushed him out of the way and died when he should've been the one to take the fall.
He decided at that moment he would never let that happen again. In blood he swore he'd never let a teammate sacrifice their life for the sake of another.
But Sakura did.
Kakashi turned a page.
He lost so many people he deemed that he should make no connection so he would hurt anymore.
But one day, the Hokage pulled him off ANBU and assigned him three brats who graduated early. They declared themselves a team the moment he met them and made themselves clear they wouldn't trade each other for the world. Useless, he thought. They wouldn't stand a chance. They were just going to die like everyone else. He wasn't going to waste his time.
Then a little girl waltzed up to him and began to chisel away the perfect little wall he constructed for himself. She would not listen to him, she went against protocol, she wouldn't address him properly, and she would laugh in the face of his failures.
He was sure no one could change the way he saw the world.
But Sakura did.
Kakashi refocused on the page he was reading and knitted his eyebrows. Where was he now? He wasn't reading this page a minute ago.
Then the man could see.
"What do you see?" the one who asked repeats. The man reaches out, fingers touching glass and splaying across the cool surface.
"I see... I see..."
Kakashi shut the book and stood.
He saw that he had to fix what he'd done.
As he tucked the book away in his pouch, he raised his head. Sasuke and Naruto laid in heaps on the grass. Their chakra was low and it appeared that they couldn't continue their exercise without severely hurting themselves.
"Sasuke. Naruto."
They glanced in his direction. Unhappily, since they still firmly held onto the grudge of what he did to their friend.
"What? We're training like you said," Sasuke hissed. Kakashi shook his head.
"You both have trained enough. You can take the day off to rest," he said. The two genin exchanged surprised glances before Naruto stood on wobbly legs.
"Sensei, if you think this is gonna make us forgive you then—"
"No," the jounin interrupted quietly. "You both have been working hard and you deserve the break. So enjoy yourselves for the duration of the day. Please."
Sasuke got up to stand next to the blonde with a tightened jaw. Kakashi never said please before. Hell, Kakashi had never been so polite in giving them time off before. Naruto didn't look convinced, but he was certainly confused.
"Why're you—"
"Dobe, let's go. We'll get some ramen or whatever."
His stare wavered on his sensei a little while longer, blue swaying in an unusually thoughtful manner before he turned and walked off with Sasuke.
"Ramen, ramen, ramen~!" he cheered. Naruto threw a look over his shoulder for good measure but found that Kakashi was already gone.
::
"Get a permit, he said. It's the legal way, he said," Sakura grumbled. "Well guess what you old bastard, I got three copies and I'll frame one up right in the kitchen so when you eat your damn cornflakes it'll be all up in your dumb face."
Without an appointment with the Hokage, she stayed in the waiting room for about two hours before she was called up. There, she had to explain an abridged version of her poison-seeking adventures and her inclination to mithridatism to an incredulous Dan and Shizune. She felt some embarrassment when she informed him of the home-made lab she made and he laughed at her ingenuity.
But he signed a permit without any more questions and made copies at her request.
So here she was now, walking through Konoha with the permits in her pocket and her nose buried in Ibiki's errand list. Pay a visit to some shinobi, get some things from other offices- why couldn't he get a secretary instead of making her do his work?
Oh. Right. Because you had to pay for secretaries and she was a student who had to listen to her stupid sensei.
"Old man better get me desserts for doing this," she muttered. She sighed and tilted her head up. The sky was nice today with some more clouds than usual. It had been a while since she saw any of her friends still at the Academy. Maybe she could rope Shikamaru and Chouji in for some cloud gazing? Maybe a game of shogi? Or she could meet up with Naruto and Sasuke after their training session and—
She sighed again.
"Kakashi, I'm not really in the mood right now," she said. She didn't have to turn around to know that he appeared just a ways away from her with his normal blank face.
"Your skill with chakra was not overstated in your dossier, it seems."
Sakura spun around lazily and crossed her arms. "You finally went ahead and read my files, huh? So that's why you're here? Pity? I don't want to hear it," she said. His eyebrows furrowed imperceptibly.
"I'm not here to pity you."
"Oh look, you're the first," she mumbled. She looked back to the paper in her hands and sighed a third time. "Whatever, I'm running errands I want to finish. Walk with me and say what you have to say."
He complied. Kakashi trailed behind her quietly as they entered the busier streets of Konoha. He read the list she had from over her shoulder, noting the names of people she had to see were of jounin or ANBU status. Morino's student, he had to remind himself. She wasn't like an ordinary genin.
"So what—"
"I'm sorry."
Sakura stopped and twisted to her left.
"Sorry?" she echoed quietly. That wasn't what she expected at all. A reprimanding for going on that mission she absolutely had clearance for maybe, but never sorry.
Not even the other Kakashi, her Kakashi, ever told her sorry.
"For letting my emotions get the best of me and suspending you. I should've thought better," he clarified. He looked anywhere that wasn't at her, and that was probably as sincere as she was ever going to see him. She turned back around, scratching at her neck and fumbling for the right words to say.
"Oh... um, I..."
She was interrupted by the sound of sobbing and hiccuping somewhere nearby. Beneath the shade of a tree on a bench sat a little girl, sniffling and rubbing her eyes as her father knelt down in front of her, his lips pulled down into a worried frown.
"What's the matter, princess?" he asked her. The girl wiped at her face with her sleeve.
"Why... Why's Mama not here, Papa?"
::
Kakashi heard the quiet cries too and lifted his head towards the source.
"Why... Why's Mama not here, Papa?"
Her father's eyes widened. "Princess?"
"What did I do wrong, Papa? It's me, isn't it? What did I do? Papa, what did I do to make Mama leave? What did I do to make mama not love me?"
He felt a small pang having to hear those words come from a girl the victim of an unfortunate circumstance, but there was nothing he could think about it. Kakashi could only hope that when the girl grew up, she'd realize none of it was her fault, whatever it was. He moved his attention back to Sakura and blanched upon finding that she was crouched on the ground.
Her hands were fisted in her hair and her breaths were short and sporadic, sweat dripping from her brow as she shook and muttered through strangled gasps.
"I'm sorry, I'm sor-gasp-Sachiko, I'm sorry—!"
A panic attack. She was having another panic attack.
Kakashi shunshinned the both of them away before the people's stares could make it worse.
He and Sakura reappeared in his apartment where she landed on the couch and pressed herself as far into the cushions as she could, still struggling to get a breath in a mumbling of incoherent syllables. Kakashi quickly thought back to that video- that horrible, horrible video- and recalled verbatim what Obito did to calm her down.
"Focus on your breathing. Take a deep breath through your nose, count to five, and breathe out through your nose. Can you hear me? Sakura, can you hear me?"
She looked up at him, her breaths quickening and her skin growing paler.
"Take a deep breath through your nose, count to five, and breathe out through your nose," he repeated. "Take a deep breath through your nose, count to five, and breathe out through your nose. I am Hatake Kakashi. You know me. I know you can remember."
It took her a few minutes to finally collect herself, and when she did, she stayed huddled against the old couch cushions with her hands plastered to her neck. Kakashi was glad that she was able to calm down before any harm could come to her, but he wondered what could set off such a violent reaction. It had to be that little girl crying about her mother. No one else was there.
And she kept saying a name over and over.
Sachiko.
He had to know.
"Sakura," he called softly. She raised her head once more to nervously meet his stare. "Who's Sachiko?"
Years, she built up a barrier around herself. No one except Sasori would know what she did and what it took for her to be this way. She promised herself she wouldn't tell a soul about the girl she left behind- it didn't have to be about the time travel, no, because there was no way she'd admit that as such, but it was her story she was scared of letting someone know. She wasn't going to tell a single soul about it. Never. She'd never ever reveal one of the biggest reasons why she hated herself so much.
She wouldn't tell.
But.
She couldn't stop her resolve from slipping and shattering into a million pieces because she couldn't hold it in any longer, and she crashed.
"She was just a little girl, Kakashi!" Sakura wailed. Tears sprung from her eyes. "She was just a little girl and I couldn't take care of her because I was scared! I was the only one she had left and because of what I did, I'll never see her again!" She crumpled in on herself. "I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am! I couldn't even see her—she asked for me! She wondered where I was! She was the the daughter of the man who raped me and I promised that I'd take care of her and I didn't! She believed in me! She believed in me and I let her down!"
Kakashi tried to speak but no sound came out of his mouth. She continued her tirade through her tears, her small body wracking with the force of her sobs.
"I used to visit her. I snuck out just to see her," she whimpered. "I wanted to make sure she was okay after the death of that man. But when I visited I... I made sure she wouldn't see me. I couldn't let her. And now... now she's gone. I won't be able to see her anymore and it's all my fault."
Sakura took a gulp of air.
"She was so young when I let her go," she whispered brokenly. Kakashi slid beside her and took a gentle grip on her shoulder.
"You did what you could, didn't you?"
"Of course I did. I told her I wouldn't leave her and I loved her but I... I couldn't have her look up to me. She couldn't see me anymore and when she realized I wouldn't come by and asked why I didn't love her-"
Sakura cut herself off and dissolved into another fit of sobs. He steeled in his emotions and tried to get through to her again.
"You can only be the best you can be. You can only be you and if there are some things you can't do, you can't blame yourself for that," he said, almost pleadingly. "Your best is enough. You don't have to force yourself to do anything else."
Her eyes went ablaze with desperation.
"What if it's not enough, Kakashi? What if I can't be there for everyone else I care about? What if I let them down just like I did to her? I can't fail them—Naruto, Sasuke, Haku, I won't allow it!" she cried. "I can't be a failure anymore! I can take it all, I'll suffer in their stead! They don't deserve it and I'll do what it takes to make sure none of them turn out like me! But if I'm the one that's hurt and they're not, then that's okay!"
Then, just like her, Kakashi was met with a crash of his own.
"No. It's not," he whispered. He sunk down to his knees and took hold of both her shoulders and forced her to look at him, his own set of tears threatening to leak down masked cheeks. "You don't ever talk about yourself like that."
He looked down, ashamed of himself. God, why hadn't he seen it before?
"I know I haven't been there for the three of you ever since I became your sensei. When you all needed me most, I disappeared, let you all down," he said, raising his eyes to meet hers again, "punished you for doing nothing wrong. Sakura, I don't want you to put your life at stake because you think it's not as important as everyone else's. There's a reason why you're here now, alive when you think you shouldn't be. There are people who care about you, who love you. When I ran to the hospital and carried you when I thought you were going to die..." His voice cracked. "... Please, Sakura. Please don't do this to yourself. I want you to live and I want you to be happy."
And Sakura remembered what she'd painstakingly written in that letter to her beautiful little girl—the words she hoped she'd read one day and see how much she was loved even when her mother was never there.
It's on the list of things I wanted to see if I didn't die, right under watching you grow up into something you yourself are proud of.
Whatever you decide to become or whoever you decide to be, I'll always stand behind you. If you have a dream, chase it. If you have a goal, succeed.
Don't let anyone tell you any different no matter who it is. Make your life the way you want it.
But there is only one thing I sorely ask you to be.
Happy.
Was she happy the past five years she came back? She could've said yes. She saw all her friends again, was able to change their lives, give them what she never could before, and strike up one of the deepest friendships she ever had with a man she once called her sworn enemy. But in those five years...
"I want you to watch, Sakura-chan. For forty hours, I want you to look at your memories. And I want you to see how no one in your life really needed you."
.
"Half a pill every other night. Do not take them every day and do not take more than half a pill. Alright?"
It was a few long moments of his dead serious look piercing through her soul before she nonchalantly pocketed the bottle and waved him off.
"I'm a medic, Sasori-san. No need to tell me twice."
She would never admit to him there were times she almost didn't follow his orders.
.
Sakura woke up.
Her room was dark, illuminated only by the moonlight that poured through her window. Her clothes, a simple ensemble of a loose tank top and spandex shorts, we're completely soaked through with her sweat. Red lines were littered all over her neck as a result of the unconscious and relentless scratching she had done in her sleep.
.
"I... I can never make it u-up to her now. Now... Now I'll never see her again, and I-I'll never get the chance to tell how I-I'm so sorry..."
She wasn't.
She sobbed a little harder as she threw her arms around Kakashi and buried her face into his neck.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be better. I'll get better," she promised. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close- for some peace. For the both of them.
How many years had passed since both of them were able to reach towards that grain called closure?
The skies outside had clouded over completely in a light gray as specs of rain fell and dotted the world with nothing more than a thin drizzle. Sakura sniffed a few more times and swiped at her eyes.
"Damn," she cursed. She let her arms fall back to her sides as she sat back against the couch, Kakashi pushing himself onto his feet.
"What it it?"
"I still have all those errands to do. I didn't even get the first one done!" she whined. He rolled his eyes and motioned for her to follow him to the door.
"With your incompetence, I suppose I could lend a hand. You won't be able to finish before nighttime without it," he said. She gave him a cheeky grin. Right before they left, Kakashi reached for the saffron yellow umbrella he kept by the entrance and held it over the both of them as they stepped out the door.
"Asshole," she quipped. The corner of his lips quirked up the slightest bit as they strode into the rain.
"Tyrant."
::
EDITED 2.11.18
