Where we left off, Bucking Bronco Bison A.K.A. Phil was now challenging Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler!

"...This is the first time we've ever had to fight a minotaur..." Don Patch said, a bit worried.

"You're right," Jelly Jiggler replied, taking a sip of tea, "We've fought pretty much everything BUT a minotaur...how odd..."

"HEY! DO YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW WHY I'M TWO DIFFERENT COLORS?" Phil asked; he had the attitude of an over-enthusiastic gym instructor.

"Not really..."

"I'LL TELL YOU," he exclaimed, "IT'S BECAUSE...I AM A MASTER OF THE ELEMENTS OF BOTH FIRE AND ICE! GREEN FOREST YOUTH...GO!"

Jelly Jiggler thought about it for a moment. "Wait...ARE YOU RELATED TO THAT EVIL SCOUNDREL, SMOKEY THE BEAR?!"

Giving a thumbs up, Phil smiled widely and replied, "...NO! NO I AM NOT!"

"Oh...that's good, then." Jelly Jiggler muttered in response.

Meanwhile, Don Patch was busy playing with his Barbie dolls. He left Barbie and Midge to make out in the hot-tub while Ken was being arrested for child abuse towards Krissy.

"BAD KEN! BAD, BAD, BAD!"

Stretching out his gym shorts a bit, Phil said, "So...shall we begin the fight, then?"

Suddenly, just as Phil was about ready to attack, the floor in front of Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler exploded, scattering debris and dust everywhere.

"WHO...WHO DARES ENTER MY SANCTUARY OF MANLINESS?!" Phil shouted furiously.

Two figures rose out of the newly-made hole and presented themselves...it was Riaru and Age of Aquarius! However, Riaru was now dressed like a stereotypical mangaka and Age of Aquarius was completely covered in bandages...even his eyes and mouth were covered.

"HOLYYYYYYYYYYYYY...IT'S TIMMY AND JAMES!" Jelly Jiggler exclaimed.

Flashing a toothy grin, Riaru shouted, "Don't worry, my amazing little gag-manga friends! We shall protect you and all that is incoherently funny!"

Age of Aquarius let out some muffled words and nodded in agreement.

"..." Don Patch (with a very odd face of your own choosing) looked over both of their new allies for about a few seconds, and an idea came to him.

Taking out a clipboard and putting on a pair of glasses, he glanced up at Riaru and asked him, "Tell me...if you could choose any other manga you like besides Bobobo-Bo Bo-bobo, what would it be?"

Riaru scratched his head. "Uhh...20th Century Boys(1)?"

"Ah! Very interesting!" Don Patch wrote it down, and then...he took a beam katana and, now with hair similar to Ace Ventura's and wearing cool orange glasses, he swung it like a bat, smacking it into Riaru and sending him flying towards Phil.

"STRAWBERRY ON THE SHORTCAKE(2)!"

Unfortunately, Phil just stepped to the side and easily evaded the attack, causing poor Riaru to fall head-first into the lava. "WAAAAAAGH! IT'S HOT!" He cried, flying out of the burning magma and crashing through the ceiling off to parts unknown.

Smiling wickedly, Don Patch tip-toed over to Age of Aquarius and hissed, "NOW IT'S YOUR TURNNNNNNNNNNNN..."

Age of Aquarius shrieked (or at least, it sounded like a really loud muffled shriek) and he quickly jumped back down the hole he had come from.

High-fiving one another, Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler exclaimed, "YAY! WE BEAT THE ENEMIES! WOO-HOO!"

"Actually...I'm your enemy, and I'm still here..." Phil said with an anime-sized sweatdrop rolling down his head. 'Damn...this sweatdrop is really heavy!'

"RIGHT!" Putting a cup of hot ramen noodles on his head as a helmet and pulling out an egg-beater, Don Patch charged at the multi-colored minotaur.

Smirking, Phil held out his palms and shouted, "SUPER FIST OF ELEMENTICA: FLAMES OF RAPTURE, ICE OF CLARICE!"

Suddenly, flames of both fire and ice burst out of his hands, and Don Patch was immediately engulfed within them. He screamed in pain as he was both badly burned and frozen sadly at the same time. Jelly Jiggler wanted to help, he really did, but he was too busy deciding whether he should teach his Golduck the technique 'Surf' or not.

"ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! IT'S COLD! IT'S HOT! I'M BURNING! I'M FREEZING! I...I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND!!"

When the attack ended, Don Patch had become...a piece of orange pita bread.

"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH?!"

Jelly Jiggler gasped and ran over to what remained of his dear friend. Unwrapping the pita bread, he began eating it as he weeped, "OH, POOR DON PATCH! DEAREST, DEAREST DON PATCH! YOU LIVED LIKE A KING...YET YOU DIED LIKE A MARSUPIAL! WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYY?!"

"Uh...I'm still alive."

Glancing down, Jelly Jiggler saw Don Patch staring back at him from within the pita bread. However, the jelly man just shrugged and quickly tossed the rest of the bread into his mouth.

'HE...HE'S EVIL!' Phil realized.

Luckily, after a moment, Jelly Jiggler spat Don Patch back out, because he tasted like manure...


Back with Crosk, he was busy attempting to kill everyone with a giant star...that's original!

"FEEL MY FLUFFY BUNNY...AND TREMBLE!" Crosk cackled, patting the side of his llama named 'Brisket'.

'Hmm...it seems he's starting to turn back to his old self...' Hiragi noticed.

"ARGH! WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS STAR!" Be-bebe exclaimed, his clothes already beginning to melt due to the intense heat (somehow, everyone's skin stays completely intact).

Bu-bubu, who was now in only a bra and panties, was busy thinking of a way to counter such a powerful attack.

"YOU WILL ALL DIE HERE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" Crosk said, and he laughed insanely at his opponents' plight.

Deciding to speak up, Jati said, "You know...you're going to end up dying here too."

Crosk was silent for a few moments. 'I guess he didn't realize...' thought Jati.

"...Well?" B.B. asked aloud.

"I'M THINKING, I'M THINKING! IT'S HARD TO FORM IDEAS IN MY MIND WITHOUT DON PATCHI-KUN AROUND!" Bu-bubu snapped.

"THINK FASTER!"

Suddenly, Bu-bubu came up with an idea. "SUPER FIST OF THE ARMPIT HAIR: ARMPIT SHRINK RAY!"

Raising up both her arms, energy waves fired off of her armpits and hit the oncoming star, shrinking it down to the size of a pebble. Then, Bu-bubu just blew on it, and the now-tiny star was put out.

"...SINCE WHEN THE HELL WERE YOU ABLE TO DO THAT?!" Be-bebe cried.

"OBVIOUSLY," Bu-bubu replied, "THIS WAS LAST-MINUTE THINKING ON THE AUTHOR'S PART!"

"Yeah...how else would we have been able to stop a giant star anyway?" Byakkyo said.

Crosk cursed under his breath and thought, 'DAMN...I TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!'

Turning her gaze back to the possessed hammerspace boy, Bu-bubu smirked evilly and snarled, "Now...to deal with you once and for all!"

Gritting his teeth, Crosk tried to think of every possible way to keep himself from losing this fight. After about a minute, something came to him. Smirking, he snapped his fingers, and a large portal opened up behind him. Within that portal was complete darkness...except for two large red eyes staring menacingly at Bu-bubu and the others.

"Sorry, but I'm not going down here! Prepare to face living hell!"

What was to come next in this epic battle will have to be saved for later...


Back with Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler...

Motioning for them to approach, Phil got into a fighting stance.

"LET'S GET 'EM!" Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler charged at Phil with pineapples drawn, but Don Patch suddenly skidded to a stop and kicked Jelly Jiggler in the head, sending him flying towards Phil.

"...Again?" Phil muttered, sighing. However, his thoughts changed when he saw that Jelly Jiggler was now holding out the pineapple like a drill and spinning it wildly. Putting on a pair of goggles he was suddenly wearing, Jelly Jiggler shouted, "CERTAIN KILL! GIGA...DRILL...BREAKER(3)!!"

Before Phil could even react, Jelly Jiggler slammed the pineapple into his stomach, the impact like that of a mechanical drill tearing into his belly. Blood burst out of Phil's mouth, but he wasn't out yet; he quickly grabbed Jelly Jiggler by the head and tossed him into the lava pit. The pineapple was also then crushed to pieces.

"AAHHH!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! I'M...MELTING!!" Jelly Jiggler cried in horror before completely sinking into the magma.

Turning his attention to a frightened Don Patch in drag, Phil smirked and said, "Well, one down. Now it's your turn to die!"

"NOOO! I HAVE THREE KIDS WAITING FOR ME BACK HOME!" Don Patch shrieked, his face smeared in badly-applied make-up, "WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER ARE YOU, ASSAULTING A LADY LIKE ME?! YOU'RE HORRIBLE!"

"TOO BAD FOR YOU THAT YOU AIN'T A LADY!!" Phil snapped, and he charged up a powerful blast of flames and ice...when the fiery pit suddenly burst, and a giant snake-like being rose its eight massive heads out of the lava.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THISSSSSSSSS?!" Phil cried out, his eyes wide.

Don Patch squealed and happily said, "YAY! HONEY'S HOME FROM WORK!"

"HE'S YOUR HUSBAND?!"

Roaring to gain their attention, the eight-headed beast said, "I...AM...YAMATA NO OROCHI, DEMONIC JAPANESE DRAGON OF LEGEND AND GOVERNOR OF BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA! I HEAR THAT A VILE PERSON IS THREATENING THE LIVELIHOOD AND WELL-BEING OF MY DEAR WIFE?!"

"Yes! It was him!" Don Patch said, pointing at a rather speechless Phil.

Turning to Orochi, Phil nervously exclaimed, "L-Listen here, g-g-good Orochi sir. I...I...it was all a misunderstanding, you see. I would...I mean, I would never...I...I...I don't want to die! PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEE!!"

Suddenly, looking closely, Phil noticed something; within one of Orochi's many eyes, he was able to see a small room...with Jelly Jiggler working at controls.

"YOU...YOU...YOU TRICKED ME!! SUPER FIST OF ELEMENTICA: ROSEBUDS IN JUNE, FIREFLIES IN AUGUST!"

Combining the elements of both fire and ice together, Phil formed a large spiked sword made out of burning-hot ice. Leaping high into the air, the maverick minotaur let out a mighty roar as he swung the blade, slicing off all of the Orochi heads at once, leaving Jelly Jiggler to quickly jump out (barely before the Orochi robot sank back into the lava) and land back next to Don Patch. Oddly enough, he had now disposed of his girly attire and was now dressed like Kanye West.

"HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH MY EMOTIONS!!" Phil snarled, the ice-fire sword shattering to pieces after its use.

"Damn...I was hoping the plan would work!" Don Patch mumbled under his breath as he kicked some dust into the air.

At that moment, Jelly Jiggler had an idea. Pulling out a set of prayer beads, he kneeled down before the 'NU' shrine (he built it himself out of toothpicks, tinfoil and play-doh) and began to exclaimed, "OH, MOST BELOVED GODS OF 'NU'! HERE MY CHANT OF DESPAIR AND GRANT A SHINING BEACON OF HOPE DOWN UPON US: SAYA MAYA GAYA YAYA TAYA FEYA ZAYA...NUUUUUUUUUUUU...NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...NUUUUUUUUUUUU...NUUUUUUUUUUUUU...NUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!"

Don Patch stared at him for a moment. "...What the HELL are you doing?"

Suddenly, the 'NU' shrine erupted in an explosion of light, and 4 figures in skin-tight flashy suits and wearing helmets covered with 'NU' stickers stepped out of the flimsy shrine's remains.

Stepping forward, the oldest of the group, a tall buxom young woman with long curly blond hair, held out a spare helmet and announced, "JELLY JIGGLER, OUR MOST DEVOTED FOLLOWER...YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! MY NAME IS NU-WOMAN, AND MY COMPANIONS HERE ARE NU-BOY, NU-LAD AND NU-GIRL! WE ARE THE NU-RANGERS(4), AND WE HAVE DECIDED...TO MAKE YOUR OUR NEW LEADER AS NU-MAN!"

Tears were pouring out of Jelly Jiggler's eyes as he happily took the helmet.

Shrieking, Don Patch was dressed as a trashy high-school girl as he exclaimed, "YAAY! JELLY JIGGLER IS SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL NOW! I WANNA GET ON HIS GOOD SIDE, SO LET'S GET THE BED WARMED UP AND READY! TEE HEE HEEEEEEEEEE..."

Cocking an eyebrow, Phil watched this odd spectacle and thought, '...These guys are really annoying...'

Jelly Jiggler put on the helmet, and his entire body became that of an immensely buff wrestler, although his head still remained the same. He even suddenly grew chesthairs that formed to make a 'NU' shape on his chest. Then, speaking in a deep, sexy voice, Jelly Jiggler pointed at Phil and shouted, "ALRIGHT, TEAM...LET'S KICK THAT UGLY MULE'S ARSE!"

"I AM NOT A MULE!" Phil snapped, but before he could attack, Nu-Boy and Nu-Lad had already ran up to him and latched onto his arms, in hopes to render him unable to attack. Phil struggled to break free, but they were holding on tightly, so he just breathed in and blew a huge ball of fire out of his nostrils at Don Patch, Jelly Jiggler and Nu-Woman.

However, Jelly Jiggler just knocked away the flames with a wave of his hand, leaving Phil in complete awe and disbelief.

'No...no way...this can't...this can't be possible!'

Roaring a victorious cry, Jelly Jiggler dashed forward and began violently pounding on Phil's body and face, sending blood and broken teeth flying everywhere. The enraged jelly man wouldn't even give poor Phil a moment of respite as he smashed his fists into him.

As a splotch of blood landed on Don Patch's cheek, he wiped it off onto his gloved hand and stared at it for a while with a peaceful look on his face.

Then...

"I AM SICK OF BEING SHOWN UP BY BO-BOBO, JELLY JIGGLER, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO ISN'T A MAIN CHARACTER UNLIKE ME! I'M GOING TO FINISH OFF THIS MINOTAUR BASTARD ONCE AND FOR ALL! ME AND ONLY ME! COME ON OUT, BANKAI! ONARA!"

After shouting out the phrase for activation, Don Patch unsheathed his black bamboo sword and practically flew over to Jelly Jiggler, who was practically drenched in Phil's blood. Kicking Jelly Jiggler off to the side, Don Patch swung his blade down once vertically and time started to slow down.

"...Za Warudo(5)."

All the colors suddenly inverted and several more Don Patches suddenly formed, and began smashing their bamboo swords against Phil's face, and then the original Don Patch finished it off by smashing the tip of his blade into Phil's gut, and surrounding area returned to normal.

Blood bursting out of him, Phil slumped over and fell to the ground in utter defeat.

Jelly Jiggler wiped off any stray blood stains on his glistening muscular body and said, "Wow...I can't believe we actually won!"

Smoking a cigar and looking smug, Don Patch chuckled and replied, "Heh...it was all thanks to me, kid...all thanks to me..."

Now that the enemy was beaten, Nu-Woman quickly stole back the helmet from Jelly Jiggler (who ended up turning back to his original form) and ran off into the shrine, along with the other Nu-Rangers.

Weeping, Jelly Jiggler was on all fours as he sobbed, "Why...why is it that my happiness can never last for more than five minutes? Why? Why? WRRRRRRRRRRRRRY(6)?!"

Don Patch tossed his bankai in the trash and was stretching out his arms as he said aloud, "Alright, we kicked some talking cow's ass...now what?"

Suddenly, for a brief moment, Yellow River, Mesopotamian Guy and Indus Guy ran by while being chased after a pack of dogs in police uniforms.

"Uh...that was weird, and strangely awesome at the same time."

Jelly Jiggler was walking aimlessly around the room in a deep depression when he suddenly hit into the wall. Rubbing his head, he looked up and realized he was standing in front of an elevator. 'WHAA-?! SINCE WHEN WAS THIS HERE?!'

Deciding to just wing it, Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler boarded onto the elevator and pressed every button. After a moment, the doors shut closed and the elevator began to move.

Who knows what will happen next...except me?


THE REFERENCE INDEX:

(1) - 20th Century Boys is an awesome science fiction/mystery manga series by Naoki Urasawa.

(2) - Don Patch's beam katana, clothes and the words he shouts out at this point are all references to Travis Touchdown, the main character of the Wii game 'No More Heroes'.

(3) - A reference to Tengen Toppa Gurren Laggen; this is the name of an 'attack' performed with the drill robot that the main character pilots.

(4) - A parody on the 'Power Rangers'.

(5) 'Za Warudo' is some crazy-ass attack from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure where colors invert and time slows down or something like that.

(6) Another reference to the same series as in (5).