50.) In His Drawers - written by Corli
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Grishnakh believes he's about to catch Merry & Pippin "in the act".
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NO BOY-BOY LOVE ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THIS STORY - THE OVERHEARD CONVERSATION IS MISTAKEN FOR SOMETHING IT'S NOT. HOWEVER, IT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL READERS.
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Grishnakh stormed angrily through the winding hallways of East Farthing. He'd just bombed his trig test, and it had put him in a bitter mood. And having to come "home" to his room in the despised, low-ceilinged hobbit dorm wasn't improving his mood any.
When he'd signed on last summer to be an R.A., he'd assumed he'd be placed in Cirith Morgul along with his orc buddies. But while Lugburz and Ugluk had been assigned there, he'd been shocked to discover he'd been assigned to preside over the Shire Rats.
Once this year is over, I'll be happy if I never see another hairy foot again, Grishnakh thought with disgust as a hobbit lad scurried past him in the hallway with a friendly "Hullo." Their constant cheerfulness makes me want to spew.
The only good thing about his position was that he had the power to make their lives miserable. And the more miserable they are, the happier I am, he thought, leering evilly as he ripped down a poster off one of the doors, crumpling it with glee between his leathery hands as he continued down the hall.
"Ow! Pippin, stop! This isn't working."
The voice coming through the round door made Grishnakh pause. Of all the Shire Rats, he hated these two the most. Not only were they always sickeningly cheerful, but unlike the other hobbits, who trembled in fear before him, they stood up to him and weren't afraid to talk back.
Though that's not entirely true, Grishnakh reminded himself, thinking back to the day when he'd nearly caught them together. Although defiant as first, Merry had frozen like a deer in the headlights as soon as the cohabitation rule was mentioned.
Which means they ARE cohabitating, Grishnakh thought, revolted at the idea. But his disgust soon turned to glee as he realized, All I need is PROOF, and I can be rid of them once and for all!
So Grishnakh put his ear to their door and listened.
"I don't see the hole."
"It's right in front of you, Pippin."
"Oh, sorry - I was looking at it the wrong way."
Grishnakh shuddered and pulled away from the door. The image of what "proof" actually entailed finally penetrated his brain, and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He'd never thought about what exactly shirtlifters do in bed, and now his mind with filled with disgusting images.
But catching them "in the act" is the only way to get rid of 'em, Grishnakh reminded himself. So he took a deep breath and, steeling himself for the task, returned his ear to the door.
"I think we did this in the wrong order," Merry was saying. "We should've started at the other end."
Other end? Grishnakh wondered as he heard assorted shuffling around inside.
Following some muffled grunting, Pippin said, "Oh yes, there we go."
"I'n dad eazyer?" Merry mumbled, his mouth obviously full.
Grishnakh jumped back from the door, fighting the urge to blow chunks. He hurried to the end of the hall and stuck his face out the open window, taking in deep gulps of fresh air as he tried to rid his mind of the image.
Yet it wasn't just horror that was causing the orc to flush red. For Grishnakh was suddenly ashamed of the fact that he could visualize everything so clearly, from Merry's supple lips to Pippin's strong yet slender thighs. Grishnakh had often noticed Pippin's legs before, even remarking once to his friends, "They look tasty," and the memory of that remark now filled him with shame.
But I didn't mean "tasty" in THAT way, Grishnakh reminded himself. I'm not bent! They disgust me! And I'm gonna make them pay! And the orc stormed back to their door, knowing what he had to do and determined to get rid of them once and for all.
But they were clearly finished with their previous act, for Merry's voice was clear and unobstructed: "How's it coming on your end, Pip?"
"It won't fit," Pippin whined, clearly frustrated. "Are you sure it goes there? 'Cuz it's not lining up."
"Yes, Pippin. Just try it from another angle."
Assorted grunting followed, and Grishnakh stayed frozen in place, unable to turn away yet too unnerved to barge in on them.
"Ow!" Pippin suddenly called out. "My finger's stuck!"
"Just hold on," Merry said impatiently. "Let me loosen it for you."
Grishnakh shook his head, trying to rid his mind of the perverted image but staying glued to the spot, despite the grunting emerging from inside the room.
"There. Now push, Pippin," Merry said, his voice strained. "Push harder!"
"I AM pushing!"
"No, not there - THERE!"
Tolman, a fat hobbit who lived down the hall, suddenly emerged from his dorm room and turned to lock his door behind him. Grishnakh quickly stepped away from Merry and Pippin's door, letting Tolman pass by with a cheerful "See ya." Once the fat hobbit was out of sight, Grishnakh returned to the door in time to hear Merry say, "Okay, how about YOU hold it and I'LL push."
"It's not working," Pippin whined. "Maybe we're supposed to use the lubricant."
"I don't think that's what it's for, Pip."
Then what WOULD the lubricant be for? Grishnakh wondered, evidently as confused as Pippin.
More grunting followed, and finally Merry said breathlessly, "Okay, it's all lined up. All it needs is a good pound."
This is it, Grishnakh thought. If I'm gonna catch them in the act, it's now or never.
"It's in!" Pippin announced proudly as Grishnakh flung open the door with an accusatory "A-ha!"
The two hobbits turned and stared up at Grishnakh. They were sitting on the floor, a large blue plastic cabinet between them and fast food wrappers strewn all about.
"What do you want, Grishnakh?" Merry asked as the R.A. slowly took in the situation. An empty box labeled "IKEA" lay on one of the beds, and three plastic drawers, which obviously went with the blue plastic cabinet, lay piled haphazardly on the other bed.
"We weren't being too loud, were we?" Pippin asked. "You see, Merry lost the instructions, so we were having a hard time putting it together properly. But it's almost done now!" he said cheerfully, pointing to the cabinet.
"What is it you WANT, Grishnakh?" Merry asked again, clearly annoyed at the interruption.
But Grishnakh couldn't think of anything to say. He'd been so convinced of what they were up to, and he'd so completely prepared himself for the scene that he was about to walk in on, that his mind just couldn't switch gears fast enough. And for that, his hatred of them grew even stronger.
"I've got my eye on you two!" he finally spat out before hurrying out into the hallway, slamming the round door behind him.
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"What was THAT about?" Pippin asked as soon as the orc had left.
"I'm not sure," Merry said, standing up and grabbing the drawers. "But let's go ahead and get this finished. I'm sure there's other things we'd like to be doing instead of putting this thing together."
As the two hobbits attempted to line up the drawers with the newly-installed shelf guides, Pippin picked up the small tube of lubricant that had come in the box. "Do you think THIS is what we use the lubricant for?"
"Lubricant?" Merry repeated. His and Pippin's eyes met as they suddenly realized what their conversation must've sounded like to the orc, and the two of them dissolved into a fit of giggles.
And, needless to say, they both ended up in each other's drawers not long after the plastic ones were put away.
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[Author's Note: I owe a debt of gratitude to IKEA for manufacturing make-it-yourself furniture and to Kel, who lost the instructions to the cabinet and caused us to actually say everything that M&P say in this story!]
