A/N: When I first listened to this song and saved the lyrics I was excited because it did fit in right with the entire theme of the story, but as dark and twisted as Ghost of an Angel may seem, I felt uneasy to put Ashley in such a somber situation, especially right in the middle of the fic while I still had so much other drama to offer. But never one to back down from a challenge, I read up on the song and the band's interpretation instead of what listeners initially thought, and wow, it turned out even better!

Thanks to reader and reviewer Alister Von for suggesting this song, it took some reshuffling of chapters but I really love what the actual meaning of the song could bring to this fic! I'll post an excerpt by the lead singer of Shinedown at the end of the chapter, hoping I can successfully portray their lyrics into this fic without having to explain too much!

On that note, Happy (belated) New Year to everyone, I hope you all have a prosperous 2017!

Let's get on with this ;)


GirlsOnly – CH44 : I'm sorry it took so very long to update! Been working and traveling but here it is – finally :) Yes, Kyla now knows, and you will soon find out just what she does with that information! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

K1989 – CH44 : Haha, I'm sure Ashley would love to kill Aiden all over again. And probably Kelly too. But yes, there is quite a predicament here which, well, is still a whole couple of chapters away… But thank you for reading and reviewing and I hope to update more frequently now that all the festivities and everything is out of the way!

Guest – CH44 : Thanks for checking in – it means a lot to know there's still readers curious to know what's going to happen! Hope this update doesn't disappoint!

Redess89 – CH44 : I'm so sorry it's been so long since that last update! I hope you enjoy the next chapter and be ready for a little bit more suspense! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

SoNFan – CH44 : I hope this chapter is even better than the last! Thank you so much for reading and always reviewing! Lots of things to still happen!

Anjela78 – CH44 : I hope you haven't given up on this fic! Here's the next chapter, I trust it will be enjoyable ;) Thank you for reading and reviewing!

ToriDub – CH44 : Kyla… well, the poor girl is now in a catch 22, and only time will tell how she deals with what she knows. It can't be an easy situation to be in, but let's see what the puppetmaster thinks ;) Hope you like this update, there's a lot of things that's going to happen in succession from here on. Thank you for reading and reviewing!


Ashley

45

Time flew when Spencer was with me. Despite my fear of the ghosts - especially Kelly - going after Spencer for my mistakes, I couldn't help but beg her to stay just a little longer every time she had to go.

"Five more minutes?"

I loved when Spencer chuckled. Her body shook slightly and she always brought her hand up to her mouth. A mouth I'd become very accustomed to kissing goodnight every night lately.

She must have read my mind and leaned forward, ghosting softly over my lips with her own. "You're such a big baby," she teased.

I laughed and grabbed for her head, her silky hair splaying between my fingers as I held her in place, reaching up just a little to kiss her properly.

There were no protests; only a soft moan as I shamelessly stuck my tongue in her mouth, a different kind of electricity jumpstarting my heart as we dueled until air became a necessity.

Spencer was flushed, her cheeks red, but what had me was the sparkle in her eyes and the impish smile on her face. Our eyes met and I could gauge by her expression that she felt the butterflies too.

Her resolve to go home was instantly forgotten; she sat back down on the hard, plastic chair, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the side of my bed. "I'll stay until they tell me to go," Spencer explained, nodding towards the clock on the wall. Though she was allowed to visit me now, we didn't want to push it. Latest for visitors to leave was just after eight. We had a couple of minutes to spare.

I appreciated the gesture. I appreciated Spencer spending all her free time with me, ensuring I had everything I needed; snacks, magazines, toiletries, whatever I asked, she made sure to get me. Her visits were the highlights of my days; every morning during my sessions with Doctor Carlin, she waited in my room until the nurses wheeled me back from his suite. And she stayed until I fell asleep after morning visiting hours.

When I woke up in the afternoons, she was here. Sometimes dozing off herself. The evening visits always felt short and anxious – I hated that she had to go and leave me for twelve hours to deal with my ghosts and all my inner demons. She started sensing this, and I knew that's why she decided to stay.

Tonight wasn't any different. I was anxious, but more so because of the kiss. Because of what I was feeling for Spencer, and how I craved for so much more of her. I felt ashamed for wanting more despite everything she was already giving to me. I've never felt this way before – I've never wanted to kiss a girl and keep kissing her. I've never wanted to wake up next to someone, let alone just fall asleep in each other's arms without any expectations or ulterior motives. It was all new to me, and so precious, and I couldn't help the bouts of fear pushing through sometimes, fear that this wouldn't last, fear that I was going to mess it all up, fear that Spencer would find out who I really was. And of course, the worst fear of all, that Spencer would get hurt because of me.

I swallowed hard, trying to push away these kind of thoughts until I was alone. I didn't want to waste any of the time I had with Spencer worrying about things I had no control over while I was still stuck in hospital.

But it was too late. Spencer was good at staring inconspicuously, good at reading people and analyzing and waiting for the right moment to say the right thing. "Ash… I'll be here in the morning, I'm not going anywhere," she promised softly, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

I closed my eyes at her soft, cool touch to my heated skin, the butterflies fluttering even more when she kept her hand up, cupping my cheek. I leaned in and just savored the peace and reassurance she offered me, finding myself wishing again that she didn't have to go. What I wouldn't give to just have her next to me through the night, to be comforted by her mere presence as we slept.

"Soon…" Spencer whispered, moving in even closer. She cradled my head in her arms as if understanding all my fears and worries without me even saying anything. "We'll find out tomorrow after your scan how things are going. And then hopefully I'll get to take you home. I'll look after you, I promise."

It was a promise that caught me by surprise. Though I craved to have Spencer with me twenty-four seven, I never really thought about that actually happening. I never thought about going back to my condo, to being somewhat free and being able to see Spencer any time I wanted to. And I desperately did want to see her every second of every day. Was that what she was promising me?

I pulled back and stared at her, anxious to convey my want and desires by the desperation and hope in my wide eyes.

The soft, warm smile Spencer gave me melted all my organs. "If that's what you want? I mean, I can, uh, I can come by every day to be there. With you, I mean. To look after you."

I lunged back into her arms, blissfully forgetting about the world around us for a moment, drowned out by the comfort of a steady heartbeat, even breathing, and a sense of safety I've been yearning for so long.

This time the tears weren't Spencer's – I couldn't help myself just letting go of all the anxiety and fear and confusion of what's been happening to me ever since I started regaining my senses. "Thank you… thank you so much for not letting me disappear. Without you I'd be alone."

Spencer held on even tighter, her hand running soothing circles on my back. "You're not alone, I'm not going anywhere."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, young lady."

We both jumped at the stern voice of the charge nurse, and though I had a mouthful of expletives I wanted to throw her way for interrupting our special moment, I couldn't help but notice the nurse was actually smiling for a change. It was barely there – like the muscles in her face couldn't properly execute the function of merely looking happy for someone else – but it was something nonetheless.

My heart sank instantly as Spencer pulled away – we both knew our time was up. I grabbed towards her hand, holding on tightly until it was absolutely necessary and life-threatening for Spencer to make a run for it.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, ladies, but visitor's time is over."

I was at the brink of tears again, but the way Spencer smiled at me, reassuringly, I put on a brave face, telling her I could do this. I could survive twelve hours without her.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning. With your fruity gums and magazines."

And there it was again – that almost-smile from the charge nurse as she waited patiently for Spencer to let go of my hand and leave.

As much as I didn't want her to go, I sighed and reluctantly released my grip on her hand, watching with a heavy heart as Spencer blew me a kiss and disappeared out the door.

"She'll be back tomorrow – she won't break her promise," the nurse offered, fluffing the pillows behind my back.

As much as I wanted to be a baby about this, I knew I couldn't let my fears of being alone with the ghosts get the better of me. So I let out another heavy sigh instead, watching dully as the nurse performed her duties with great expertise.

She heard the sigh and stopped for a moment to eye me carefully. "Miss Davies, if I may… Your recovery the past week has greatly improved since doctor Carlin approved your friend's visits. You'll be out of here soon. To be honest, I think your scan tomorrow will yield some positive results. And I don't doubt for a second that you'll be in great hands once you get discharged. You hold on in there, okay?"

I could only nod, a lump resting heavily in my throat. I wasn't sure why the nurse had a sudden change of heart, but it did make me feel somewhat better that I was surrounded by kind humans. I could use every living smile directed my way to get through this, to heal, to get out of the hospital and get my life in order.

I was ready to live.

"So we'll be waking you up earlier tomorrow morning. After breakfast and first rounds they'll take you down for blood tests and the MRI, and straight after you'll be going for some physical therapy before your session with doctor Carlin. The results should be with him by the time you get there. Who knows, maybe in a day or two you won't have to put up with the hospital staff anymore."

There was another hint of a smile, but the nurse didn't stay long enough for me to ask her what's gotten into her. I barely had time to think too hard about it before my eyelids started drooping, and with a content smile I closed my eyes and braved the solitude.


And like every other morning, the hustle of the hospital graveyard shift interrupted my heavenly Spencer-filled dreams to stare at six sets of curious eyes, waiting patiently for my slumber – and good mood – to disappear.

"Good morning, Sunshine," Kelly announced, busying herself by rearranging the fresh flowers Spencer bought me.

I rolled my eyes and slumped further into my pillows, wishing it could swallow me whole. I wasn't up for discussions, or a fight, or even a conversation with any of them this morning. And the fact that Kelly was touching the flowers Spencer gave me… I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, counting to ten to keep my emotions in check. Pissing Kelly off wasn't on my to-do list either – not when I couldn't protect Spencer. Yet.

"So, word is that you might be discharged soon. We have a lot of work to do."

My eyes snapped open and I stared at Aiden, frowning at the eagerness, the readiness in his voice. It was the same Aiden who briefed me on case files. The same Aiden who had all the logistics of my hits planned out and answered all the necessary questions. The same Aiden who enjoyed the job he did at The Agency.

His eyes hadn't been sparkling like this since I last went to New York, and I got a sickening feeling in my stomach that he was excited. Excited about planning a hit. Excited about me killing people. Almost like the old times.

Except I was never excited. Adrenalin-pumped, maybe, but never excited.

He noticed my uncertainty and smirked brashly. "What? Come on, Ash, you said you were going to do this. Everybody's excited. Why aren't you?"

At the mention of everyone else I allowed myself to make eye-contact, and sure enough, the gloomy uncertainty had disappeared overnight. While Sasha skipped through TV channels, her perfect complexion looked relaxed and less… depressed.

Sean leaned against the door frame, loosening his tie every so often, a look of content on his face.

Madison was humming to music every time Sasha stopped on the MTV-channel, her body even swaying slightly as she tuned in to the melodies.

Lily, who I still regarded bewildered after finding out what had happened to her, stared wistfully at a fancy house in the magazine on her lap. It was almost as if she was at peace now, with what had happened, with where she was.

But something was so very wrong with this picture.

While my ghosts seemed ecstatic, I wasn't happy. I wanted to fight and deny them the freedom they so desperately sought.

Because giving them their freedom only pulled me further into a darkness I wasn't ready to plunge myself into. I wasn't ready for this, I simply couldn't kill any more people. I couldn't do this to myself, to Spencer, to strangers out there, no matter how deserving my ghosts thought they were to die.

But when Kelly turned to me, brows raised while holding up a single red rose snuck in between the rest of Spencer's flower arrangement, the decision was made for me. Kelly's threat on Spencer's life remained silent, but I got the message, loud and clear.


My leg bounced and my palms were sweaty as I sat on an all too familiar plush couch, the yellow walls, certificates, and family black-and-whites doing nothing to calm my nerves. I was desperate to get up and pace, to stare at the family portrait that I haven't seen in so long, to run away, but physical therapy left me completely exhausted. And despite my anxiety to go home and kill more people, I was more terrified to learn what the latest was on my medical condition. Whether I'd be allowed to go home. Whether they still deemed me sane and capable of looking after myself.

The main door to the suite opened, revealing a bright and comforting smile on Doctor Arthur Carlin's face. He slipped in with a soft "Hello Ashley," and closed the door softly behind him, his strides confident as he made his way over to one of the single couches opposite me.

He had a bunch of files in his hand and spread it across his lap; grabbing towards an oversized yellow envelope. My eye caught the printed details on the front; Magnetic Resonance Imaging, my personal details, and a list containing comments and check marks.

I held my breath as Doctor Carlin's fingers reached inside the envelope, pulling out a printed report and with it two of about a dozen scans.

He skimmed over the report and slightly held one film up towards the light, and I squirmed, wishing he'd stop with the torture.

A soft hmm escaped him as he pulled out another scan, first reading through the report again before turning his attention to the film.

I found myself wiping my palms on the skimpy hospital gown repeatedly, unaware of just how nervous Doctor Carlin was making me with his facial expressions. The smile was long gone as he concentrated hard to obviously come to a conclusion on my state of wellbeing.

"So," he started, and I released the breath I'd forgotten I'd been holding in. Doctor Carlin looked up at me with surprise, and let out a soft chuckle, only realizing now how anxious I've been.

"I'm sorry Ashley, I just wanted to make sure what they wrote in the report could substantiate my directive to have you discharged tomorrow."

My face lit up at the news and Doctor Carlin smiled before his face turned serious. "It looks like that will be the case, but I have my reservations, Ashley…"

My shoulders slumped, and I had an inkling where this was going. He had that fatherly tone in his voice, the tone that he somehow reserved to make me feel bad about my reckless behavior but still encouraged me that he wanted me to get better.

He regarded me for a second before shifting the couch a little, moving it closer to sit right in front of me. "Ashley," he sighed, opening the thick file containing all my progress reports and notes and prior scripts. He flipped through to the last page of notes, fleetingly scanning through it before facing me again.

"I'm sure I don't have to have this conversation with you, but as your doctor, as a confidant, as someone who cares a great deal about you, I can't let you leave here without reminding you how important it is that you look after yourself. While we're doing everything we can to get to the bottom of the hallucinations and problems you're still having after your head injury, you have to promise me that you will take this seriously too. And that means be here every week. Don't drink alcohol. Take your prescribed medication – don't abuse it."

My face heated up in embarrassment and I dropped my gaze, unable to look Doctor Carlin in the eyes as he continued with his list of very valid concerns about my past behavior.

"Get enough sleep, do some light exercise, follow the diet I'm prescribing you. Ashley all these things are crucial for your very survival. You were lucky in the diner the other day. I really hope you will keep spending time with that friend who practically saved your life. I know you're not always willing to talk to me, but then talk to your friend. Tell people when you're not feeling well. Give her my card, let her phone me. Trust people to help you, Ashley."

A lump slowly pushed its way up into my throat as I listened to my doctor spilling all these easy fixes, easy answers as if it should come natural to me. But he had no idea how difficult it really was – how I could not trust people, not even Spencer, not even myself. I nodded to his gentle words anyway, knowing he was just really a concerned doctor. He was probably a great dad, and I found myself envying the kids in the pictures on his wall.

"So, I'm writing you a complete new script, I want you to stop with everything you had at home. Flush it down the toilet if you have to. Ashley…"

I finally faced him when he paused, swallowing hard to get rid of the lump.

Doctor Carlin's features softened as he took a moment to give me a once over. My hands were still sweaty, leg still slightly bouncing, shoulders slumped. His speech left me deflated despite the happiness I should feel after learning I'd go home.

"Can you promise me that you will look after yourself? If not for yourself, for your friend, then? She deserves the best version of you, and frankly, so do you. Don't let the time it's taking to fix you take away the time you have to enjoy life. And you can enjoy life, if you just push through with your visits and try to stay healthy."

I was pretty sure Doctor Carlin's intention was to cheer me up, but when he reminded me that Spencer deserved the best version of me, I couldn't stop the tears.

The pressure of keeping her safe but refusing to let her go was taking its toll on me. I wanted Spencer to have the best version of me. I wanted her to feel the same way that I felt about her. I wanted her to feel that she couldn't live without me, that she needed me. But I also wanted her to feel safe.

How was I going to do that with a dark past looming over me like shadows of ghosts on a wall?

How was I going to get rid of the ghosts while selfishly not wanting her to leave my side for even a second?

And how was I going to keep Kelly from finding out who she was, when all I wanted was spend every living moment with her?

"Oh, Ashley. Everything's going to be okay," Doctor Carlin soothed, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder. "You just hold on in there, okay? Take it day by day. Baby steps."

I finally calmed down a little to wipe away the tears and nodded in agreement. Maybe he was right. Maybe I just needed to give myself some time, and take it day by day.

Maybe even hour by hour.

"So… do I sign your discharge papers? Are you ready to give this a try?" This time there was no apprehension about my recklessness or disappointment in his voice; this time he was confident that I could be an adult about this.

So maybe the weekly visits wasn't entirely the cure for my hallucinations, but maybe, just maybe, if I kept taking Doctor Carlin's advice, and kept talking to him, I could get through the dreadful things I had to do in order to find some peace. He didn't have to know the truth, but at least he'd be proud to hear how my ghosts started disappearing one by one…


The first two days back home was magical.

I got to sleep for a solid forty-eight hours before Spencer gently shook my shoulder to wake me, the smell of a decent home-cooked meal close by rumbling my stomach.

It took some effort to lift my heavy-lidded eyes, but I wasn't angry or even annoyed that my heavenly sleep got disturbed – definitely not when I got woken up like this.

A smile immediately curved my lips as I stared up at her, holding the tray with one hand while making space on my nightstand with the other.

"You cooked?" I found myself asking shyly, scanning the contents of the plate. Slivers of chicken, potato wedges and steamed vegetables created a delicious aroma, lingering in the air all the way from the kitchen.

Spencer finished up moving stuff around and finally sat down at the edge of my bed, a proud blush covering her cheeks. "Yeah, I uh, I hope it's okay. I had to go get some stuff earlier, I'm afraid you don't have any fresh groceries left in your place."

I nodded at the realization – I'd been in hospital for so long and on top of that I was a terrible cook; the kitchen was probably still a mess after I'd tried to cook for Spencer before everything came crashing down on us.

"This looks great, thank you Spencer." And it did – it certainly beat the terrible hospital food. I pulled myself up and rested against the headboard, feeling my heart flutter as Spencer took the tray and lowered it onto my lap. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have this incredible girl looking after me.

"How are you feeling? You have some more color back in your cheeks," Spencer observed, her hand automatically reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.

I literally swooned at the gesture and tried hard to keep breathing normally. There was just something about Spencer, about the way her touches were always soft and gentle, about the way she noticed things, however small.

I offered a smile while I bit through the chicken, savoring the taste. She was an incredible cook. And I wasn't surprised – everything about Spencer seemed perfect. "The sleep definitely helped – back in the hospital it just felt like I couldn't sleep long or deep enough."

I watched a content smile form on Spencer's lips. "I'm glad that it helped. I'll let you sleep more after this, but you have to wake up tomorrow morning for your medication and try to be a little active."

"Will you stay with me again tonight?" I asked meekly, wishing she never had to leave. Though I've been passed out and didn't even know where she slept, just the knowledge that Spencer was here with me was comforting, and as much as I didn't want to think about it, her presence also kept the ghosts away.

Spencer contemplated my request for a moment, and finally relented. I knew I was asking a lot, but having her with me helped tremendously. Especially my emotional wellbeing. The world just felt a tad bit lighter on my shoulders.

"I'll stay the night, but I really need to sort out some stuff at my place tomorrow. So I'll leave after you've had breakfast and can move around a bit, then I'll be back with dinner. There's enough food to sort you for lunch. That okay?"

I stared into bright blue eyes, the reality of our situation struggling to sink in. I was back in the clouds, back in the fluffy comfort of Spencer-heaven. I could feel a smile pulling at my lips and my head nodding on its own in agreement to her itinerary.

A matching smile formed on Spencer's face, and we just stared at each other stupidly, wondering what this all meant. Where it was headed. We were making plans to see each other more, arranging schedules, coordinating sleeping arrangements. It felt so natural, as if we'd been doing this for more than just a day. It felt like… dating.

It felt incredible.

"It'd really like that, thank you," I finally whispered, my stomach reminding me that I hadn't eaten in two days. It rumbled loud enough for Spencer to hear, and her chuckle was like music to my ears.

"Eat up so we can have dessert," she urged, and my face broke out into an even wider smile.

"You got dessert?"

Spencer laughed. "Well, it's nothing much – just Jell-O. Our favorite nurse recommended it, she said the gelatin and sugar is good for you at the moment, and if you struggle with your meals until you're active again, the Jell-O is easy to digest."

A sarcastic retort about the nurse died in my throat and I stared at the girl in front of me in awe. My eyes scanned her features, how her blonde hair hung loosely around her face, making her seem so much more mature, happy, as if the skinny, sad blonde I'd met on the beach so many months ago was all just a mirage. The hue of her eyes were dark and deep, shining brightly, just like her radiant smile. Her body language was much more open, she was comfortable where she sat, and wasn't pulled into herself.

I found it endearing and my heart skipped beats as I realized this amazing girl was here with me.

"Ash? Are you okay?"

And her voice. It was bizarrely low, stirring emotions and feelings down low within me too.

"Where did you go?" she persisted gently when I blinked to come back to reality. Her head tilted sideways as she eyed me carefully. My heart was going to stop altogether if she continued being so attractively charming.

"I…" I was stuttering, I knew, and this was all new to me. I used to be good and smooth with girls!

Spencer tilted her head further, somewhat forward, her brows raising uncertainly as she begged me with those beautiful blue eyes to tell her what was up.

"I…" I stammered again, unable to find words to describe how she made me feel. I subconsciously moved the tray off my lap and leaned forward on my knees toward her, wishing I could express my feelings in words. But it never came, so all I was left with was to cup her face and bring it close to mine, my lips meeting hers with fervor and an urgency I hadn't previously noticed was there.

I was met with similar enthusiasm from the blonde goddess in front of me. She returned the kiss and was first to press her tongue against my lips, a flurry of butterflies letting loose in my stomach. I granted her access and found myself groaning when her tongue explored my mouth. It set off a tingling feeling all the way from where she touched me, down my throat, through the butterflies, and right into parts which shouldn't get too excited too quickly.

Her cool hands covered mine still on her face, and she held on for dear life, squeezing her eyes shut as she continued to brush her tongue over mine, sending more signals down south.

It soon became difficult to keep sitting like this and keep up the intimate kisses that demanded so much more attention, but I was taken by utter surprise when Spencer was the one who gently pushed me backward. My hands instinctively grabbed around her back as she lowered me onto the stuffed pillows, pulling her down with me. Her assault on my lips and into my mouth continued while my fingers found the hem of her shirt, my heart pounding hard against my chest as I made first contact.

Her skin was so soft and smooth, I could barely stop myself from sneaking my hands underneath and reveling at the warmth. My hands cupped and I raked my nails down her back, pulling simultaneous groans from both of us. The way she breathed into me at the action had my own breath hitch.

Our kisses turned desperate and needy, hands trying to touch whatever skin was available.

I positively felt like I was going to self-combust.

My heart beat erratically and the way Spencer was panting into my mouth while she kissed me drove me even more insane. My long-abandoned libido screamed at me to do something about the skin that wasn't being touched, but as much as I wanted to, I suddenly found myself slowing down, trying to calm my heart and feelings and feelings down there.

I wanted Spencer, I really wanted to have her in every way possible. But it was just too soon. I wasn't ready – I was still getting used to a kind of intimacy I've only ever dreamed of, and while I was sure Spencer would be all my wet dreams come true, I just couldn't do it like this.

My change in pace alerted Spencer and she finally slowed down herself, breathing hard as she tugged at my lips with her teeth, and finally let go.

She didn't seem to mind that I just pulled the brakes on our make out session. She looked satisfied, in fact, that we got to do what we just did. A smile played at her lips as she stared down at me, ghosting a kiss over my lips before resting her weight on top of me, her head cradled between my chin and my chest.

"Your heart's beating really fast," she whispered, placing her palm flat against my chest, right below my collarbone. I was pretty much sure that little action just made it beat even faster.

I let out a deep breath and felt silly for having this huge smile on my face that Spencer couldn't even see. I wasn't sure if it was because of what just happened, or that I thoroughly enjoyed the aftermath with her just… being close with me.

I realized that things have changed so much over the past few months. From senseless hookups, seeking desperate relief against anxiety and the pressure of things I had to do, to being in a situation where I felt so much I could almost not deal with the intensity of it. It was easy to distinguish which brought out the better version of me.

Doctor Carlin's words echoed in my memory, urging me to be the best version of myself for Spencer, and myself. It felt like a mini victory, of sorts, to know that I wanted things to be great for the both of us. Like tonight. As great as it was, I knew I could give Spencer so much more. And she deserved so much more.

For the first time since we met, I felt like I could be the one who could give that to her.


I was sad to let her go, my bottom lip quivering as I watched Spencer walk down to the gate, turned around to blow me one last kiss, and disappeared out of sight.

I quietly closed the front door of my condo and leaned against it after it clicked shut, confused between the sudden loss I felt but yet so ecstatic about everything I have experienced the past three days.

Of course, while blissfully asleep for the first two, the third day still outdid the others by far. My mind drifted towards last night, to the way Spencer wanted me the same way I desperately wanted her, to the calm afterward, and waking up this morning feeling amazing.

Spencer was spastically splayed all over me, but it was the best way to wake up, ever. I never even realized that we fell asleep, Spencer still listening to my racing heartbeat. I wasn't sure who passed out first, not that it mattered. What mattered was that she was still there when I opened my eyes.

While I took a much needed shower, Spencer prepared a quick breakfast and packed out all the medication I had to take for the day.

She was serious about taking care of me, and I felt a deep fondness toward her for being so sweet.

"Had a good night?"

I groaned, my reminiscing short-lived as Kelly walked down the short hallway towards me, as if she'd been loitering there all along. I was curious to see how they just appeared out of thin air.

"Better than yours," I retorted carefully, not wanting to rile Kelly up despite my natural instinct to do so. Her threats still lurked in the air like a heavy cloud above me and my conscience.

"You should introduce us soon. I'm sure she would love to get to know you better. You know, the Ashley we know. Does your girlfriend know what you do for a living?" Kelly taunted.

I pushed myself away from the door with a sigh and inched over to the kitchen for some coffee, trying to put some distance between myself and Kelly. It was really hard to keep my temper in check with her.

"Ah, Ashley, you're up and awake! You look good today, well rested." Aiden commented, appearing from the same spot in the hallway Kelly just materialized from.

"It's because her girlfriend spent the night," Kelly persisted, starting to test my patience – and resistance to fall right into her trap.

My eyes met Aiden's and for a very brief moment I saw sadness cloud his eyes at the revelation. I couldn't help the disdain that coursed through me that he was still hung up about me. While it was pathetic it was also really bothersome. I could still not trust Aiden, I'd never trust him again, but I had to look past this to use his skills to plan my hits. I wouldn't be able to do it without him and I hated that it was like that. He knew how important his role was to get rid of the ghosts and I was scared of the moment he was going to use that against me.

"Ugh, are you still on about that? Get a life, Kelly. Ash, you look good." Madison sauntered into the kitchen, flaunting how good she looked in that white hotel robe. It felt so natural the way she behaved that I almost offered her coffee.

"Hey," Sasha announced her presence shortly after, heading straight to the lounge. I wondered why she kept flicking through channels all the time. It wasn't as if Sasha's life was lacking any social needs. I could hardly pin her for the type to do something like that all day.

Lily surprised me with a warm smile and continued admiring the condo.

"Everybody's in a good mood. Don't ruin this, Ashley. It's been long enough, we all want to go home," Aiden said softly, as if reading my mind.

I was wondering what was going on. But I'd never admit that to him.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Have any of you started digging? I can't build the case files by myself. I don't know who you all pissed off. I was only there to do my job." I was sure to remind them of that last two facts, especially Kelly. She pissed the entire world off – it was going to be some operation trying to pick out the guilty culprit from seven billion suspects.

"Can you unlock your office so we can sit with you and do some research?" Lily asked, suddenly very interested. She stopped wandering around and joined us in the kitchen.

I huffed out a fine, and like ducklings, they all followed me to the small office where all the planning and research took place.

It took me a minute to adjust to the way it made me feel.

Like a cold-blooded killer.

Up on one wall was still all the information about Boz Anderson and Logan Jones, their families, their history, everything about their lives that cost them their lives.

An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach and despite trying to swallow it down with my coffee, the aftertaste just came back worse. It was the taste of blood. Murder. My hands twitched involuntary, and for some sick reason I missed my old rituals, missed holding my sniper rifle.

The realization was overwhelming and terrifying, make me step backwards, out of the office into the short hallway.

It was like shock washed over me and I couldn't get myself to react to what I just saw and experienced.

I didn't want to miss my rifle and I didn't want to kill more people.

But why did I suddenly feel that it was a part of who I was?

The cup dropped from my hands and I found myself in the guest bathroom, trying to rid my thoughts and feelings through the bile rising up in my throat.

I was not a killer.

I was not born to do this.

I owed myself the best version of me. I owed it to Spencer. And the killer Ashley was not that version.

I refused to believe it.

Madison followed me inside and though she couldn't hold my hair back while I heaved, I appreciated her presence. Even if that wasn't real either.

A searing pain shot through my forehead and I wailed out loud. I've forgotten that I wasn't allowed to use that phrase.

"Ash… it's going to be okay," Madison soothed, and I really wished I could believe her. They had no idea how conflicted this made me feel. Like what a monster I felt like.

"I know it's not much coming from me, but I'm on your side, okay, chica? Get rid of that bitch Kelly before she hurts your girl."

Getting rid of Kelly was all the encouragement I needed to push through with this. Eliminating her from my living nightmare meant I could sleep a little more peacefully, knowing that Spencer was still safe.

So I cleaned myself up and marched back into the office with renewed energy, planning to throw all my time and effort into the research needed to find out who ordered the hit on her. And I wasn't planning on stopping until we did.

"Kelly, get me everything you know about your ex girlfriend, or fiancé, or whatever. I want everything, dirt, dirt on her family, everything. That's where we start." I figured it would be fun to hurt her where it mattered most.

Our eyes met, and I challenged her silently, just like she kept doing to me. Two can play this game.


45 – Shinedown

Brent Smith (the lead singer and songwriter of Shinedown) has stated in an interview:

"The inspiration from the song really came from – I think a lot of people kinda take a literal sense because of the lyrics – but the song is basically about the day that you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror and you finally decide that you want to try to become comfortable in your own skin, and realize that you're gonna have to make yourself happy before you're going to make anyone else happy. And basically, the 45 isn't an actual literal term for a gun, I used it as a metaphor for the world, the .45 is actually the world and what it hands you every day of your life. When you get up, it's a gift to be alive to begin with. A lot of different people, when I've talked about it, they said, "Do you really honestly mean that?" And I'm like, "Well, yeah." Because I've been in that situation where I didn't know if I wanted to continue going on and I didn't know how to necessarily make myself comfortable with who I was, trying to find a way of learning more about myself. And you come from a dark place sometimes, and that's really the reality of the song. It's about overcoming and about moving forward. And it's basically about understanding that it's not always going to be good, but you really have no one to blame for yourself if you don't move forward. That's where the whole, "Nobody knows what I believe," [comes from] because we're all individuals. So that's really where it comes from, it's about moving on, really."