x x x
Chapter 53: Of Course You Know, This Means War
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"In times of old when I was new,
And Hogwarts barely started,
The founders of our noble school,
Thought never to be parted.
United by a common goal,
They had the selfsame yearning,
To make the world's best magic school,
And pass along their learning.
'Together we will build and teach!'
The four good friends decided,
And never did they dream,
That they might some day be divided.
For were there such friends anywhere,
As Slytherin and Gryffindor?
Unless it was the second pair,
Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?
So how could it have gone so wrong?
How could such friendships fail?
Why, I was there and so can tell,
The whole sad, sorry tale.
Said Slytherin, 'We'll teach just those,
Whose ancestry is purest.'
Said Ravenclaw, 'We'll teach those,
Whose intelligence is surest.'
Said Gryffindor, 'We'll teach all those,
With brave deeds to their name.'
Said Hufflepuff, 'I'll teach the lot,
And treat them just the same.'
These differences caused little strife,
When first they came to light,
For each of the four founders had,
A house in which they might,
Take only those they wanted,
So, for instance, Slytherin,
Took only pure-blood wizards,
Of great cunning, just like him.
And only those of sharpest mind,
Were taught by Ravenclaw,
While the bravest and the boldest,
Went to daring Gryffindor.
Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest,
And taught them all she knew,
Thus the houses and their founders,
Retained friendships firm and true.
So Hogwarts worked in harmony,
For several happy years,
But then discord crept among us,
Feeding on our faults and fears.
The houses that, like pillars four,
Had once held up our school,
Now turned upon each other and,
Divided, sought to rule.
And for a while it seemed the school,
Must meet an early end,
What with duelling and with fighting,
And the clash of friend on friend.
And at last there came a morning,
When old Slytherin departed,
And though the fighting then died out,
He left us quite downhearted.
And never since the founders four,
Were whittled down to three,
Have the houses been united,
As they once were meant to be.
And now the Sorting Hat is here,
And you all know the score,
I sort you into houses,
Because that is what I'm for,
But this year I'll go further,
Listen closely to my song,
Though condemned I am to split you,
Still I worry that it's wrong.
Though I must fulfill my duty,
And must quarter every year,
Still I wonder whether Sorting,
May not bring the end I fear.
Oh, know the perils, read the signs,
The warning history shows,
For our Hogwarts is in danger,
From external, deadly foes.
And we must unite inside her,
Or we'll crumble from within,
I have told you, I have warned you,
Let the Sorting now begin."
"Profound, much?" Jack muttered. Draco gave him a wary look, but said nothing. "Kinda like the story." Jack continued, "And the philosophy... but the rhyming scheme needs work." A few students within earshot snickered at this.
Debate would surely have ensued, had Professor McGonagall not glared them all into silence and commenced the Sorting.
Once that was over with, Draco leaned across the table, laughing, "They can't really expect us to befriend the other houses, can they?"
"And why not?" Jack asked defiantly.
"They'd never give us the chance, even if we wanted it." Malcolm put in sulkily.
"But if they did?" Jack asked, vaguely distracted as he looked across the hall to the Gryffindor table.
Malcolm merely shrugged. Draco snorted derisively, and turned adamantly away from Jack.
"Well you would know, wouldn't you, Jack?" Zoe Alderton said from across the table. Everyone knew he had friends in other houses, and this was a very unusual thing for a Slytherin. When it did happen, it was usually only with Ravenclaws. Jack had friends in all four houses.
"I really think it's a Very Good Idea." Jack said pointedly. You could hear the capital letters.
Draco rolled his eyes and waved dismissively.
"If they're civilised to us, we'll be civilised to them, how's that sound?" Blaise Zabini suggested diplomatically.
"Fair deal." Jack said with a nod, "But no sarcastic or underhanded remarks to provoke them."
"Fair deal." Blaise said, bemused. Almost all of the girls within earshot nodded in agreement with him.
The boys were more reluctant, and Draco was ignoring the conversation now. Theo shrugged dismissively with an air that he was a loner anyway and just plain didn't care. Malcolm eventually nodded in agreement as well.
With the evident end of the conversation, they began to eat. The feast was no less spectacular than usual, and Jack was as always impressed by the quality of food that was produced without a shred of modern technology anywhere near it.
Finally, however, even the chocolate puddings disappeared into thin air, and Dumbledore rose to speak.
"Well, now that we are all digesting another magnificent feast, I beg a few moments of your attention for the usual start-of-term notices. First-years ought to know that the forest in the grounds is out-of-bounds to students. And a few of our older students ought to know by now, too."
Several people snickered at this, and many stares were directed at various points on the Gryffindor table. Jack chose to grin and wink at Ianto, remembering the Thestral incident.
"Mr. Filch, the caretaker, has asked me, for what he tells me is the four-hundred-and-sixty second time-" Dumbledore continued cheerfully, "-to remind you all that magic is not permitted in corridors between classes, nor are a number of other things, all of which can be checked on the extensive list now fastened to Mr. Filch's office door. We have had two changes in staffing this year. We are very pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be taking Care of Magical Creatures lessons; we are also delighted to introduce Professor Umbridge, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."
A few people- all purebloods, Jack noticed (and was a little disturbed that he had learned to recognise the difference)- applauded weakly for Professor Umbridge.
Jack's eyes narrowed at the woman. Was it really that childish to be considering planting a whoopee cushion on her chair in the Great Hall? He wondered if he could get someone to magic it to be invisible, for added stealth. Oh yeah, it was going to happen, now.
Dumbledore was still talking, however, "Tryouts for the house Quidditch teams will take place on the-"
But Professor Umbridge picked that precise moment to stand up, and Dumbledore paused, turning a benignly curious look in her direction.
"Hem, hem." she said, a carefully false and exaggerated clearing of the throat, purely to draw attention to herself.
Dumbledore did appear quite shocked that anyone had dared interrupt his start-of-term announcements, although after Crouch last year, why was he surprised that the new teachers were starting to disrespect him? After only a moment, however, he calmly sat down and regarded Professor Umbridge with intent curiosity.
"Thank you, Headmaster." she said in such a sickeningly sweet tone that sugar suddenly seemed sour, "For those kind words of welcome." Once more she repeated the fake cough, and then launched into a speech of her own, "Well, it is lovely to be back at Hogwarts, I must say! And to see such happy little faces looking up at me!"
Not one person in the entire Hall looked happy. And that did settle it. If she would treat them like pre-schoolers, then Jack would become quite determined to act it. Just for her benefit. The invisible whoopee cushion would just be for starters.
"I am very much looking forward to getting to know you all and I'm sure we'll be very good friends!" Umbridge powered on in spite of the icy lack-of-reaction her greeting received.
There was something infernally deliberate about that little cough of hers that made Jack want to shove her head through the base of a drum kit while the Master held the sticks. He smiled maliciously at the mental image, and a couple of nearby Slytherins had the common sense to edge away from him.
"The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born may come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction." Jack snapped out of his childish reverie and very suddenly started to pay attention, as she began to speak the official language of bureaucracy. This could not be good. "The ancient skills unique to the wizarding community must be passed down the generations lest we lose them for ever. The treasure trove of magical knowledge amassed by our ancestors must be guarded, replenished and polished by those who have been called to the noble profession of teaching."
Here she paused to make a little bow to her fellow teachers, and when she coughed purposefully once more Jack had had to consciously force himself not to linger for too long on the relatively happy image of a Cyberman stomping on her head.
He glanced across the hall to see Ianto taking notes, Tosh listening with blank and disgusted interest, Gwen looking around in confusion to see if anyone else understood a word of what the woman was saying, and Owen clutching his fork in a vice-grip that had Ron Weasley shooting nervous looks down the Gryffindor table at him.
"Every headmaster and headmistress of Hogwarts has brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school, and that is as it should be, for without progress there will be stagnation and decay. There again, progress for progress's sake must be discouraged, for our tried and tested traditions often require no tinkering. A balance, then, between old and new, between permanence and change, between tradition and innovation, because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognized as errors of judgment. Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained, and rightly so, whereas others, outmoded and outworn, must be abandoned. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness and accountability, intent on preserving what ought to be preserved, perfecting what needs to be perfected, and pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited."
She sat down at the end of it, and Dumbledore initiated some very pathetic applause which not a single Slytherin joined in. It was only a few Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who were just trying to be polite. One sharp look from Ianto managed to silence the nervously clapping first-years in his house, and the Ravenclaws stopped when they realised that they were alone.
Eventually, Dumbledore stood to finish his own announcements.
"Oh, I get it." Jack muttered darkly, while Dumbledore went on about Quidditch schedules. His fellow Slytherins gave him odd looks for it, and he shrugged vaguely, "She's got to go."
"She's a Defence teacher." Zoe observed idly, "It's only a matter of time."
"Not soon enough." Theo declared with determination. It was clear from his vehemence that he also got it. "We need to accelerate the process. A la Lockhart."
Several of the older students, including Draco, laughed at that, causing some very suspicious looks to be aimed their way by the rest of the school.
Jack may not know who Lockhart was, but the way Theo said it made it clear that this woman was to be broken. Which suited his purposes just fine.
x x x
As the rest of the school was beginning to file out after the feast, Gwen turned to Owen and Ianto, "What was that about?"
"It seems that we may have a few moral issues with our Defence teacher this year." Ianto said blandly, "Like how to avoid being arrested after what I do to her."
"Get in line, mate." Owen said venomously, "I need more forks."
"I really don't get it." Gwen said weakly.
Jack and Tosh joined them at this moment, "It's quite simple, really. The Ministry of Magic are attempting to undermine the Headmaster." Tosh explained. "When you put this in the light of the Daily Prophet articles about him, it's clear that they're trying to pick any tiny little holes they can out into a reason to get him fired. Or worse, arrested."
"Yeah. No maiming, please, Ianto." Jack added amicably, "Let's just break her spirit instead. Much more fun that way."
Owen grinned a shark's grin, "Yeah. Let's."
"Hey! Hey, you lot! Midgets!" Ron Weasley yelled in the vague direction of a group of Gryffindor first-years.
"Ron!" Hermione chided just as loudly.
"Well, they are, they're titchy." Weasley countered defensively.
Ianto made the very slightest gesture with his left hand, and suddenly Ron Weasley yelped in pain, whimpered, looked around in confusion, then ran off.
"What... did you just do?" Owen asked, staring at Ianto with awe, and possibly even some degree of respect.
"One of about six spells I know so far that doesn't come with flashy lighting effects. Very immature, but I really didn't want to be identified." Ianto sighed, and looked down at the ground in some degree of shame at his bout of immaturity, "It was a wedgie. I found it in a book of jinxes, in the library last year."
Gwen stared, as amusement and disapproval warred for control of her face. Tosh smiled faintly. Jack grinned and wrapped an arm around Ianto's shoulders, hugging him briefly to show his approval.
"Oh, that's brilliant, mate!" Owen yelled gleefully.
x x x
On the morning of the first official day of the school term, Albus Dumbledore made his way into the Great Hall for breakfast to note the unusually early presence of Messers Fred and George Weasley, along with Owen Harper and Jack Harkness, all conspiring eagerly over something the twins had.
So a prank was afoot, already? And it was only the first day! How delightful.
Dumbledore settled himself in his grand chair, and began eating his banana porridge. He occasionally glanced at the conspiring children, but decided it best not to interfere. Not one of these four had ever broken a truly important school rule, thus far. In fact, neither of the third years had been apprehended breaking any school rules.
It would be most amusing to see what they had in store for this surprisingly sunny autumn morning.
Other students and teachers filed in as the time for classes drew ever nearer, and eventually the hall was almost entirely full. The four boys made no effort to act upon whatever misdeed they had been planning, and Albus began to wonder if it was perhaps for later in the day.
But then, a few minutes after Harry Potter and his friends, Hermione Granger and a very irritable Ronald Weasley, entered the Hall, Dolores Umbridge deigned to join the staff table, as well.
She sat down upon her chair with the most spectacular resonance of flatulence that Albus had ever heard.
The entire hall erupted into uproarious laughter, including three of the four prime suspects. Jack Harkness merely smirked, meeting Dumbledore's eyes pointedly as he did so.
Well, that was most certainly an amusing way to start off the school year. Quite the best that Albus had seen since James Potter and Sirius Black had turned the long wooden Slytherin table into a herd of badgers. And rather less disruptive, in the long run, too.
Had circumstances not been as they were, he might well have applauded their effort.
x x x
That very morning was Torchwood's first Defence Against The Dark Arts class with Dolores Umbridge- the entire third year in one class, which was unusual in itself- and Owen had arrived early. Something was fundamentally wrong with that, and it worried Ianto.
Owen actually snickered when Umbridge sat down at her desk and began sorting through the parchments there. It was then that Ianto noticed a note on his desk. There was one on every desk, as a matter of fact. All the students had their favourite seats, and it seemed whoever had planned this had done it very carefully.
Ianto's note said;
'Seymour Butts.
P.S. Remember it.
This is for the whole year.'
He was not impressed, and his sense of foreboding multiplied a hundred-fold.
It was at this point that Professor Umbridge strode into the room with an entirely unnecessary spring in her step. She turned around cheerfully to face the class, "Well good morning, everyone." she said brightly.
Uncertain looks were exchanged across the classroom, and only a few people muttered a response.
"Oh, no, that won't do at all, now, will it?" she chided, "I should like you, please, to reply 'Good morning, Professor Umbridge'. One more time, please. Good morning, class!"
"Good morning Professor Umbridge." everyone intoned after her, like the meek little drones she wanted them to be.
Owen scribbled a note on a piece of parchment and pocketed it very quickly.
"There, now." the Professor chirped happily, "That wasn't too difficult, was it? Wands away and quills out, please. We will begin with roll call." she announced, so perfectly prim and proper it made even Ianto want to puke. She cleared her throat in that annoying high-pitched way she had, and read from the list. "Anita Bath."
"Here." Gwen answered promptly. Ianto noticed several students cover their mouths in stifled laughter. Jack and Owen were amongst them, and even Tosh was smiling at it.
"Mya Butreeks." Umbridge continued, oblivious.
"Here." Romilda Vane answered, smiling a bit more than necessary, but doing her best to keep a straight face.
"Seymour Butts."
"Here." Ianto answered in his usual perfect deadpan.
"Jenny Cidal." Umbridge continued.
"Here." Lucy Rosier answered. The muffled snickering throughout the class was surprisingly restrained. It was as if the entire class wanted this to go off without a hitch. Ianto really couldn't blame them.
"Oliver Closoff."
"Here." Marcus Belby said with a little bit too much glee.
"Ayma Dommy."
"Here." that was Lindsay Davies.
"Ben Dover."
"Here." was Albert Cadwallader.
"Martha Fawker."
"Here." Elaine Gibbon.
Ianto stared in amazement as it just kept on going. Eyepi Freely, Eve Hill, Amanda Hugginkis, Ivana Humpalot, Tanya Hyde, Sue Izide.
"Hugh Jass."
"Here." Mark Avery.
"Al Kaholic."
"Here!" was, unsurprisingly, Owen himself.
"Dawn Keebals."
"Here." Demelza Robins.
"Joe Kerr."
"Here." Malcolm Radford.
"Alex-Blaine Layder."
"Here." that was Tosh.
Ianto was genuinely impressed with the effort Owen had put into this stunt, having come up with names for the entire class.
Daryl Lect, Moe Lester, Sirius Lidum, Connie Lingus, Yoma Masofat, Misty Meanor, Harris Mint, Ima Nediat, Di O'Bolic, Peter Pantz, Drew Peacock, Zoltan Pepper, Stu Pitt, Bea O'Problem, Emma Roids, Mike Rotchburns, Boyd Schidt, Eric Shun, Homer Sekzual.
"Franklin Stein."
"Here." Samuel Braithwaite.
And finally, "Andy Structible."
"Here!" Jack answered, positively gleeful.
This school year had suddenly become a great deal more interesting.
x x x
Owen paid very careful attention as Professor Umbridge outlined her lesson plan.
'Defence Against the Dark Arts A Return to Basic Principles.'
"It seems your teaching in this subject has been rather disrupted and fragmented, hasn't it? The constant changing of teachers, many of whom do not seem to have followed any Ministry approved curriculum, has unfortunately resulted in your being far below the standard we would expect to see by even your third year. You will be pleased to know, however, that these problems are now to be rectified."
"I'll rectify you." Owen muttered under his breath, far too quietly for even his neighbouring students to hear, let along the teacher five rows of desks away.
"We will be following a carefully structured, theory-centred, Ministry-approved course of defensive magic this year. Copy down the following, please."
'Course Aims:
1. Understanding the principles underlying defensive magic.
2. Learning to recognize situations in which defensive magic can legally be used.
3. Placing the use of defensive magic in a context for practical use.'
"Has everybody got a copy of 'Defensive Magical Theory' by Wilbert Slinkhard?"
Owen had very briefly read (skimmed over) the textbook the previous night, and not a word of it was worth the paper it was written on. He had picked up a more comprehensive theoretical knowledge on the subject of self-defence in his first day working ER as a doctor.
A few people murmured a positive response to the question.
"I think we'll try that again." she cooed, "When I ask you a question, I should like you to reply, 'Yes, Professor Umbridge', or 'No, Professor Umbridge'. So, has everyone got a copy of 'Defensive Magical Theory' by Wilbert Slinkhard?"
"Yes, Professor Umbridge." everyone intoned dully.
Owen made another note.
"Good." Umbridge simpered, "I should like you to turn to page five and read 'Chapter One, Basics for Beginners'. There will be no need to talk."
Owen bowed his head and began to pretend to read. Oh, he had big plans for this one. Very big plans indeed.
x x x
The weather had deteriorated from an attempt at sunshine to a misty drizzle, by the time Harry Potter skulked up to the Defence classroom that afternoon.
He was a little surprised to see that several of the students were reading little slips of parchment. It also looked like Dean Thomas was the originator of these notes for the Gryffindor students. Draco Malfoy was passing around similar notes to the Slytherins, Ernie Macmillan to the Hufflepuffs, and Padma Patil to the Ravenclaws.
A couple of Slytherin girls seemed to be trying to barter their notes with a group of Hufflepuffs, even offering the reluctant Hufflepuff girls gold to sweeten the deal! It was Malfoy who put a stop to it, "No, if you trade you'll break the system." he ordered sharply, causing Pansy Parkinson to sulk dramatically.
Dean waved to Harry and Ron, "Sorry, guys. You two are too high-profile. Just try not to laugh, okay?"
Ron and Harry exchanged a very worried look.
By the time he left the classroom, it all made sense.
In spite of earning himself a detention for speaking his mind about Voldemort, Harry still couldn't help but snicker at some of the creative names that had passed quite literally right under Professor Umbridge's nose.
Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil had claimed the names Eliza Lott and Kanya Filmee, respectively.
Hermione had shown a shocking level of cooperation with the prank, answering to the name of Paige Turner.
Harry was one of only four people in their class to get his real name, and the justification Dean had offered was that you just couldn't fool even the apparently oblivious Umbridge as to his identity. Malfoy, Ron and a Hufflepuff girl called Susan Bones were the other three, all of whom were apparently too closely linked to the Ministry to get away with it.
Even the Slytherins had gone along with the game, with some shockingly only-really-funny-to-Muggles names including Alec Tricity, Ellie Vader, and Jenny Tick.
Somebody was uniting all four houses to a single purpose, and that could mean only one thing.
So it was that Harry decided to ambush Jack Harkness and his gang on the way out of the Great Hall after dinner. Before he did so, however, he managed to catch a fair bit of their excited conversation.
"Two hundred and eighty names, Owen!" Gwen cried in amazement, "How did you do it?"
"It's a talent." Owen said smugly, "That and I watched way too many Simpsons episodes."
"I'm honestly impressed." Jack said, laughing, "I worked at the Agency for twenty years, and in that time all of my co-workers combined never managed to come up with half that many indecent aliases."
"Okay, so she's got a 'good morning professor what's-your-name-again?' thing going on." Owen said, carefully making a note with a bright red quill, "This means we should try to get the afternoon classes saying morning, and the morning classes saying afternoon. Should be simple enough." Another note. "Also, I'd like to try to train them to bark like UNIT, 'YES SIR PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE SIR!'"
"Can be arranged." Ianto nodded, "Cedric thinks this whole thing is wonderful, and he's set up a House meeting to get everyone else up to speed for tomorrow."
Tosh nodded, "I think I'll ask Lilah to do the same thing."
"But let's give it a week or so before we go any further than the names." Ianto continued efficiently, "We don't want to use up all our A-material in the first week, do we?"
It was at this point that Harry made his presence known, "Um, guys..."
"Oh, hey Harry." Jack said brightly, "I meant to talk to you yesterday, but you seemed a bit preoccupied." True enough, Harry had been far too busy on the carriage ride up to the school, staring at the Thestrals, to even consider the other people in the carriage with him.
"It was you lot that did the names thing, wasn't it?" Harry asked.
"That was me." Owen crowed, grinning.
"And the whoopee cushion?"
"My birthday present to Dumbledore." Jack offered cheerfully. Harry stared, confused by that. Would it really have been so difficult for the Slytherin to just say 'yes, I did it'? No, he had to create more unanswered questions instead. Typical.
When was Dumbledore's birthday, anyway?
"Right..." Harry said slowly, in an 'I'm going to back away slowly now if you don't start making more sense' sort of way.
"Dumbledore wanted me to talk to you about something." Jack said suddenly, which did surprise Harry. Jack did not like Dumbledore, but here he was conveying a message, now? Strange. "In private?"
Harry looked at the other third-years, to see surprise and confusion on all their faces. Except Owen, who just seemed to think it was funny, for some reason.
"Alright." Harry said warily, "When?"
"Right now is good?" Jack offered, grinning, "I've already got Draco managing the Slytherin side of the rebellion against our Defence teacher, so I've got free time."
Harry shrugged vaguely, "Okay, but this better not take long. I have a lot of homework to do."
x x x
