CHAPTER 50: Taking It in Stride

She looked happy at breakfast, perfectly content. Caspian watched her as she gently stirred her tea, her head slightly cocked to the side. She was so beautiful and perfect; she was complimentary to him, matching all of his better qualities. She caught his eyes—oh, those beautiful green eyes—and laughingly smiled.

"What are you looking at?" she giggled lightly.

"You," Caspian said frankly. She blushed and Caspian was surprised for a moment by his own forthrightness. "Hanalei," he said, putting his hand on hers. The rest of his words were caught on his tongue and he felt exceptionally stupid.

"Yes? What is it?" she encouraged him.

"The past three weeks have been amazing. I am so happy right now and I must contribute the majority of my happiness to your presence. I…" he trailed off. Darn, where was Malvolio when he needed him? He wrote out the speech, now if only he could remember it… "I really like you. You are incredible and kind, thoughtful and interesting, and absolutely beautiful in every single way. Forgive me, if I am being too forward," he said hastily, "but I feel like we have something…something good between us. I have greatly enjoyed getting to know you and the more of you I know, the more I… it has been widely assumed that we are…courting," Caspian gulped. "Well, I, for one, would not mind if this rumor was true," he concluded his speech. Hanalei blushed and seemed genuinely surprised, finally able to look him in the eye. Her gaze drifted away, thinking, as Caspian's hand remained on hers, his thumb gently caressing her knuckles.

"I don't think I would mind either," she said after what felt like an eternity to Caspian. His eyes lit up and she smiled at seeing him so happy. Caspian's hand slid up her arm and cupped her face before his lips met hers. Astra, who was standing in the doorway silently, left, realizing that she was probably unwanted at breakfast.


The beach was quiet, the only sound being the gentle rollicking of the waves and Astra's shallow breathing. It was official: Caspian was officially courting Lady Hanalei. It was a problem. She did not know why it was a problem or why she had a problem with it—especially Hanalei's delayed response— but it was definitely a problem. The waves washed up and dampened the hem of her dress, but she did not care. It was overcast that day; the ocean was just a darker version of the sky, the two melting together off in the horizon.

"My child, what ails you?" asked a low, warm voice. Astra's breath hitched in her throat and she turned around to see a great lion. Astra gave a relieved sigh.

"Oh Aslan!" she cried, throwing her arms around Him. The lion gave a throaty laugh, not too surprised by the girl's reaction, but nonetheless pleased by her affection. "Ugh, Aslan, the shit has hit the fan. I mean, everything has just exploded and—"

"Yes, I know what you mean," He said.

"Oh, the advantages of being omnipotent," Astra joked. Aslan wrinkled His nose.

"Omnipotent?"

"You don't have to deal with shitty surprises," Astra said more bitterly than she wanted.

"And that is where you are wrong, my child. I am constantly and often pleasantly surprised. For example, you and Caspian."

"Us?"

"Yes."

"There is no 'us,' Aslan. There is 'Caspian' and 'me:' two different entities. I've done my job I think and I should to go home now."

"You do?" Aslan asked. "See, another surprise to me."

"I can't be here. I'm not wanted here, I'm not needed here. I shouldn't be here. He's going to be fine. I know he's going to be fine. The planning for the voyage is going well, I've weaned him off of me, and it'll be easier to say good-bye now. Yeah, I'm ready. I should just go now and cut my losses short."

"Your losses?" Astra could feel tears well up in her eyes. "My child, you tell me you are not wanted, yet you still have not said what you want."

"I don't know what I want," she confessed and this was quite true, despite its ambiguity.

"Well, I have the slightest inkling that you do not want to leave a friend who you love dearly," said Aslan.

"Damn omnipotence," she muttered, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. She loved Caspian. What kind of love that was, she was not sure, but it had to be love. It simply fit that she loved him. "Your job is not done yet. Remember what I asked of you: just be his friend. And he still needs a friend. Do not let him forget about the lessons you taught him. And remember that your Fate is yours alone, so make your choices wisely." And with this tone of warning, Aslan said farewell and walked off, His large paw prints swept away by the surf. Once again, Astra was alone on the beach, lost in her thoughts.


Despite everything, Caspian knew he had a problem when he lackadaisically shoved his hands in his pockets. The ring was still there, an unnerving reminder of his fantastic lapse in judgment. It was dangerous to be carrying around a ring like that, especially now that he was officially courting Hanalei, but he could not bear to remove it and it seemed safe in there.

The problem was that he bought the ring before he had Hanalei in his life. He could not blame the hasty purchase all on wanting to try on another person's problems. It was a good excuse while it lasted, but there had to be some foundation or rational behind why he bought an engagement ring, of all objects. Why jewelry? Why a ring? But more importantly, who was it for? There was only one other person he could think of: Astra.

Astra. Astra Celeste Gorlois. The girl who fell into his life like a shooting star, weaseled into his heart, and could read him like a book. This was a problem, the fact that Astra knew him better than the girl he was courting. They hadn't spoken recently and he hated it; he absolutely hated it and it made his mind turn traitorously to her. He would do anything for her and it scared him shitless.

The problem was that he loved her. He loved Astra. He was not sure what kind of love it was, but he was quite sure that it was love. There was no other explanation for the powerful feeling in his chest, that awful tightening in his stomach, that suffocating feeling when she left. But his love for Astra felt like a curse, a disease, or an ailment that Hanalei seemed to heal. When Hanalei was there, the breath that he was holding could be released and he would become quiet and relaxed. Undeniably, there was power behind his connection with Hanalei. That meant something too. The problem was he could not assign a word to it. Astra—love. Hanalei—one big question mark. And the odd thing was that it was so hard to love Astra; it was not that she was unlovable, but that she was difficult to keep up with. It should be easy to love Hanalei in comparison to her, but he did not know if he felt love for Hanalei. It was probably too soon to tell.

He bought the ring for Astra. It was stupid, so terribly stupid to think that she could love him, that he could make her his bride, that he could force her to stay close to him. It was an act of desperation—as if a ring in his pocket could make her stick around. He was so scared of losing her; he told her explicitly, "I do not want you to leave me." A ring wouldn't solve that. It would only drive her away.

Things were different now. He had Hanalei; the ring was a reminder of what he would eventually do to that beautiful woman. He would eventually propose to Hanalei. He was happy with her; there was no rational reason why he could not love her. It was something he would have to take in stride and deal with as he went along. He leaned against the open doorway of his room. Astra walked briskly past, the bottom hem of her dress damp and her shoes in her hand. Her hair was wild and wind-blown and her cheeks and nose were red.

"Were you at the beach?" he asked her. She nodded. "It was rather cold outside."

"I'm fine."

"No, you are cold. Come inside and warm up," he said. Her eyes flitted up to his gaze and held him fixedly. They stared at each other like that until Astra moved, walking into the room. Caspian looked out into the empty hallway and closed the door behind her. He took off his coat and slipped it over her cold arms. Astra inhaled the familiar scent of the fabric, reveling in Caspian's body heat enveloping the coat.

"Thanks," she said gratefully, smiling that smile that made everyone melt. Caspian gave a lopsided grin back to her and this only made her beam back at him. Maybe things were going to be okay between them after all. However, when she slipped her cold hands into the pocket of the coast, she felt her smile fade.

There were many things Astra could take in stride, but this, she knew, was not one of them.