Fifty Shades…Full Circle

Chapter 43

"Hi Gail. I'm home. How are things at the manor?" I ask as I thumb through the mail.

"Just fine. The kids and canine are outside playing. How was your appointment?" she asks.

"Good. As usual he takes what I already know and makes me see it."

"And to think you have to have a degree and a license to do that. Well you seem in a better mood."

"Have you heard from Christian or Taylor?"

"Taylor managed to call. He says they are still in Pittsburg. Mr. Grey is making progress, but no idea when they'll be returning. He hates the hotel. Mr. Grey is being a shitcicle; cold shit on a stick. Don't tell him I told you that."

"Oh. Glad to see his mood is not just reserved for me."

"Any ideas for dinner? I'm out." Gail asks as she collects the junk mail to shred.

"How about hot dogs?" I ask. "I know, I'm not that fond of them either, but the kids like them and it's hard to have those kinds of meals when Christian's here."

She shrugs. "It's fine with me. Easy to fix and easy to clean up."

"How about adding some of your Mac and Cheese to go with that? Please?" I ask timidly.

"I knew it wasn't going to be that easy" she smirks. " Sure. Baked Mac and Cheese it is. Mr. Grey won't like that he missed it though."

"Well, we can make more when he gets back." I hang my keys on the key hook next to the garage door in the kitchen. "Gail. I have to get through this next manuscript this evening I have suggestions to turn in on it by Thursday. I'll be in my office for a while."

"Okay. I'll call when dinner is ready."

As I walk to my office, I pass by Christian's. I can't help but walk in and sit in his chair. As I nestle down into the soft leather, I can feel the permanent indentation that his bottom has made in it over the years. It feels comforting to sit where he sits so often. As I lean forward and my arms spread out over his desk, I remember the times he has taken me on this desk. The tender romantic times, the raw lusty times and the funny playful times we've had sex here. I love creeping in here late at night while he is working and sneaking into his lap forcing him to stop and pay attention to me. He always makes me feel like a precious, welcomed respite. How can I live without him? He has to understand that I know I was wrong. I just don't understand how I didn't see it. Maybe it's because, no matter what I do he always forgives me. He can give me some major grief over it, but he always forgives me. He shelters me, he loves me, he treats me like a precious treasure; almost as though I'll break if he doesn't protect me.

We belong to each other. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else. I certainly don't want to imagine Christian being with anyone else. God, I need to get that image out of my head. I need to get to work and get my mind off of all of this. I walk into my office and close the door behind me. Turning some Chris Botti on in the background I begin to wade through this disaster. How can the one yesterday be so good and this one is such garbage? Whoever told this person she could write, and why?

The more I try to read this drivel, the more I keep thinking about Christian's desk and all the times we spent on it. My breathing is becoming more rapid and I can feel myself getting extremely needy. Sighing deeply, I throw the written piece of 'art' on my desk and lean back in my white leather chair. God, I need Christian. Now I have to add horny to the list of crappy feelings I'm dealing with. If I'm feeling this way, Christian must be absolutely miserable. No wonder he is acting like a shitcicle. I think I'll text him. He's probably out to dinner right now, so I can't call him.

Hi. Thinking about you. How R things?

A.


In the middle of a business dinner. Will

get back to you later.

C.


K. Bye. Love you.

A.


Well that only served to make me feel worse. He always talks to me no matter what he is doing. Maybe I've just been spoiled. Do most husbands drop what they are doing in the middle of multi-billion dollar deals to sext with their wife? My guess is most husbands don't regularly participate in multi-billion dollar business deals. Fuck. I hate this. I toss my phone down on my desk and as I walk out of my office, I run into Myra.

"Hi Myra. How's it going?"

"Oh, fine, Mrs. Grey. Almost finished."

"Myra, do you have dinner plans?"

"Well nothing special. Just a frozen casserole."

"Would you like to stay and have dinner with me and the kids. Gail will be eating with us as well. All of us are pretty much on our own tonight. We might as well share the misery."

"Okay. Sure. I'd like that."

"Well before you get too excited, we're having hotdogs and Mac and Cheese."

"It doesn't matter. I'm sure it beats eating by myself."

"Good. I'm not sure when Gail will have it ready. Shouldn't be too long."

"Okay. I'll change out of my work clothes. Thank you."

Heading to the kitchen I let Gail know that there will be one more for dinner.


It's almost nine o'clock. I haven't heard back from Christian. Some of his business dinners can run late but it should be almost midnight there. He's probably still up on his laptop. I'll try to call him. Am I just a glutton for punishment? Probably.

"Hello Anastasia."

"Hi Sweetheart. I didn't hear back from you and was just a little worried."

"No need to worry. I can take care of myself."

"I can think of a few times that you've gotten in a tight spot, Mr. Grey." Silence. "How did your dinner go?"

"It went. Just the usual business discussion and a lot of expensive wine."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. How are the children?"

"They are good. They miss you. I let them have hot dogs and Mac and Cheese for dinner."

"Sounds better than what I had and I'm sure a sight less expensive."

"I let them have that sort of thing when you're gone as a treat. They both slept with me last night. Oh and Jack. I think he misses you as much as the kids do."

"I miss them as well."

"Christian. Do you know how much longer you'll be gone?"

"I'll be home when I'm finished here, Anastasia."

"I miss you so much. I can't wait for you to get home."

"It's late. I really need to get to bed. I'll call and check on the kids tomorrow."

"Okay. I love you, Christian."

"Good night, Anastasia."

I was right. Glutton for punishment.


Turning in my final notes to Connie to compile into a report on the three manuscripts I've waded through, I push myself away from the computer and stretch.
"Oh, god that feels good. My eyes are killing me. I haven't done this much reading in ages. Maybe I need to get some of those computer glasses that Christian has. Today is Thursday and I still don't know when he'll be home. Maybe, I'll call him this evening and see if he knows what his plans are. Our anniversary is the day after tomorrow. I know he'll be home by then. He's never missed an anniversary.

I can't help but smile when I think about last year and the Heathman. What a time that was. Four days of nothing but Christian Grey all to myself. I remember how he chased me around the hotel room and spanked me. And then finally having sex in the elevator….our elevator. Well actually I guess since it's in my name, it's my elevator. And all those deserts all over the floor. Actually this year I would settle for him to just walk through the door.

I bury my head in my folded arms on my desk, "Oh God. I'm so miserable and sad. I just want Christian." I begin to sob. "I just want him to come home. I want him to want me again. I want to change what I've done."

As I look up I see my phone and pick it up dialing him.

"Grey. What is it Anastasia?"

I know he can hear the tears in my voice. "Christian do you have a minute?" I sniff in his ear.

"Anastasia, I'm busy.."

"PLEASE. Just a minute."

"Alright."

"Christian. When are you coming home?"

"I'm not sure. It will probably be Monday."

"Monday?! What about Saturday?"

"What about Saturday, Anastasia?"

"Christian you know very well. It's our anniversary. Aren't you going to be here?"

"I doubt it. I'm not finished up here."

"But sweetheart, you've never missed an anniversary. You promised you'd always be here for our anniversary." I can't hold back my tears any longer. I miss him. I want him here.

"Anastasia, it can't be helped. I need to be here."

"Christian, it's Saturday," I sniffle, "Can't you fly home and then fly back on Monday?"

"No. Not this time. Look I'll be home when I can get there. It just can't be helped."

"But Christian…"

"Anastasia, I have to go. I have people waiting for me. We'll talk later. And please stop crying."

"Okay. Christian I love you so much. Please believe me, I'm sorry."

"Yes. I need to go."

Damn I just keep punishing myself. Maybe I could fly to Pittsburg to surprise him. I even don't know where he's staying. He'd probably have a fit. If he didn't want to kiss me good bye, he probably won't want me in his hotel room. He's on business. I hate to intrude on him when his involved in one of these things. He says it breaks his concentration. If I caused him to blow a big deal on top of what has already happened, I'd really be in hot water. I know he'll be home. He's never broken a promise to me. He said he'd always be here and he will.

I'll call Kate. We haven't talked in ages. I need to call Mia too. I haven't heard if they've found a house yet. I look for Kate in my phone and tap the screen.

"Hey, Kate. Got a minute?"

"Sure Steele. What's up?"

"Nothing much. We just haven't talked in a while and I thought I'd give you a call."

"Well I'm glad you did. I was going to call you this evening anyway. Would you like to go to the cemetery with me tomorrow?"

"Well ….I haven't been in ages." God can I get any more depressed? " I guess so. Sure."

"Oh good. I wanted to go and Elliott doesn't like going. I understand that he doesn't but I need to go occasionally."

"I understand. What time?"

"Is ten o'clock okay? I enjoy going in the morning."

"Sure. That will give us some time to talk. I haven't talked to you in ages."

"What's he done, Ana?"

"What?"

"Christian. What's he done? I can hear it in your voice."

"Oh, nothing really. We're just on the outs right now. It's a big misunderstanding. Actually he's out of town in a business trip at the moment."

"Oh, and you have an anniversary Saturday I believe."

"Yes. I believe I do. We can talk about it tomorrow. Have you heard from Mia and Ethan recently?"

"Actually I talked to Ethan last night. They told Grace and Carrick. They are over the moon. Another little Grey on the way, only this time it will be a Kavanaugh." I can hear her laugh.

"Is Mia okay? I've been so busy I haven't called her like I should have."

"I think so. As thin as she was to start with, she has actually lost some weight. Ethan is constantly on her to try to eat. Poor thing can't stand the sight of food right now."

"Oh gosh, I remember that. I feel for her."

"Me too."

"Kate you never got morning sickness."

"I know, but still feel sorry for her."

"Okay. Look come pick me up. I'll see you about ten."

"You mean we aren't going to drive that R8 with the top down?"

"We can take the R8. Just be here at ten."

"Okay. See ya' then Steele."

"Bye."

I want to go to the cemetery and then again I don't. I haven't been in ages. Kate will keep my spirits up.


After another night of tossing and turning, I wake to an infrequent sunny Seattle morning. I got to sleep by myself last night. It felt good to stretch out and take up the whole bed. But I ended up on Christian's side, clinging to his pillow. I won't let Myra change the sheets, because they still have the faint smell of him. He has been gone so long on this trip. I have no idea what kind of deal he is working on. Things have been so busy with my job and trip that I haven't asked him much about GEH in a while. I need to do that. Even though he won't tell me much, I still like to act like I'm interested in the business. And actually I am. I just don't always understand it all.

I need to get up and shower. Kate will be here in a while. I'm not sure I'm up for going to see Sam today, but it will be a comfort to have Kate there and I can be there for her as well. I'm almost in a better mood. Tomorrow is Saturday and I just know Christian will be back. I just know he will. I just want him to thaw out enough to talk to me. Christian has had his moments of doing awful things inside of this marriage and I treated him terribly. But this time I did it. It's my turn to try to ride it out and make amends. I just need to let him work through his feelings and be there when he is ready to talk about it.

As I finish getting dressed I walk down to get tea and see my kids. After I kiss them good morning Gail got them dressed and probably fed. Getting to the kitchen, they are still at the breakfast table eating bacon and eggs. After I fix my tea I grab a plate and gather some bacon and toast. I'm not really hungry, but I'm going through the motions. I kiss Teddy on his head, "Good morning sweetheart. How are you this morning?"

"I'm good Mom," he grins up at me.

"Me too….I good too, Mama." Grace squeals over at us.

"Mmmmmowa. I give her a big exaggerated kiss on her cheek. "You look good. Almost good enough to eat." Wiping my mouth, "Ewww. You have breakfast all over your face." I wipe her face with her napkin, "This is what these white things are for." I kiss her again before I sit down with them to eat my bacon and toast.

"So what does everyone have planned for today?" I ask as I sip my tea.

"I'm waitin' for Dad to get home." Teddy throws in. "I don't know why he has to go away to do business. His building is here. Why can't he do it in his building?"

"Well. Sometimes he just has to go meet people and talk to them to work out any problems that they may have."

"Can't they come here?" he asks.

"I guess they could, but then they would be away from their families. Daddy knows that you can get a lot farther with people if you go to them." I try to explain.

"So he's pretty good at business?" he asks.

"Yes, Sweetheart. Your dad is very good at business."

"Mom?"

"Yes, baby."

"What is business?"

"Well…I uh...I. You know I can't give you a very good explanation. We can look it up in the dictionary, but I don't think that will explain it very well either. Maybe daddy can tell you when he gets home."

"Why is Daddy so good at business?" he asks.

"I think some people are just born with a talent for doing things and Daddy is good at business. He is good at knowing what people want and giving it to them while getting what he wants in exchange."

"Is it money? Does he get lots of money?"

"Sometimes. And sometimes he gives them money in exchange for what they have." I try to explain. "But that's not all he does. "Sometimes, Daddy feels like we have so much that he wants to use some of it to take care of other people."

"Like who? Who does he take care of?"

"Well there are people who don't have a place to live or enough to eat and he tries to help them." I sip my tea. "You know sweetheart, not every little girl and boy wake up and have breakfast on the table. Not everyone has a warm dry bed to sleep in." I can't help but think about Tommy and wonder if he is hungry and being taken care of. "Your Daddy doesn't like that and he tries to help."

"How does help?"

"Sometimes he gives money to organizations that provide food. And sometimes he buys big quantities of food and supplies and sends them to people that need them. Your daddy has such a big kind heart, Teddy. He wants everyone to be safe and not be hungry."

"Daddy's a good guy isn't he?"

"Yes, baby. Your daddy is a very good guy." I wipe tears from my cheeks as I think about the good man I married. I just hope we can repair this. "Here you go." Jack is on three point stance and I give him a bite of bacon. "It looks like you miss daddy, too."

"Are you workin' today Mom?" Teddy asks wiping his milk moustache.

"Later on. I have to go somewhere with Aunt Kate this morning," I explain, "but I should be back after lunch."

"Da be back tomowow, Mama?" Grace asks.

"I'm not sure baby. I hope so, but he may have to stay until the first of the week. I'm sure he'll let us know when he is coming back."

"I mith Da, Mama."

"I do too. So we'll be really happy when he gets home."

"Can we hab hot dogs agin tonight?"

"Ohh. I doubt it. Aren't you ready for some better food?"

She gives me an exaggerated shake of her head, "NO."

"Well we can't live on hotdogs. How about some chicken strips? You like chicken."

I get the same exaggerated gesture but this time it is a nod.

"Okay. Use your napkin." She gives her mouth a big wipe with the linen.

"Oh, It's time for Aunt Kate to be here. I need to find my purse. You two finish your breakfast."

It isn't much time before I hear Kate's voice echo through the house. "Steele. Are you ready?"

Gail appears, "Ms. Kate is here. I guess you could hear."

"Yes. I heard thanks Gail. I'll be back after lunch."

Running down the stairs I see Kate in the foyer talking to Teddy and Grace. "Hey. Here I am. I'm ready to go."

"Bye kids. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

Leaving through the kitchen door to the garage we slide into the R8 and I let the top down as the garage door opens.

"Next time Christian gets you a new one of these, can you just give me the old one?" Kate laughs.

"I'll see what we can work out." I can feel the sun hit my face, "Gosh it's a beautiful day."

"Then why do you look like shit?" Kate asks.

"Thanks. I feel better already."

"No. Really. What's going on? We have a drive to the cemetery. Spill it."

"Oh Kate. Christian is so mad at me."

"You two had a fight then."

"No. Worse. He isn't speaking to me. He has just closed himself off and won't talk to me."

"What in the world happened?"

"Do you remember earlier in the year when we went to get our dresses fitted for Mia's wedding and then went out to lunch?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember me pointing out a man in camel coat that I thought was following me?"

"Yes. I thought you had lost your mind."

"Well he was following me. It seems Christian's biological grandmother had been trying to contact him for a while and Christian wouldn't respond to her. She decided to try to contact me instead."

"Oh my goodness."

"That guy was her private detective and he left a note for me with Caroline. When I got it Virginia, that's Christian's grandmother's name, asked me to contact her. I think she thought that she might be able to contact him through me."

"Oh Ana. You didn't."

"Yes. I did. Kate Christian just thinks so little of himself because of his biological parents and I thought if I could help with that …"

"Oh Ana. I know Elliott has never been interested in who his parents were, but I've just had to leave that up to him. That's something that he just has to do himself when he is ready."

"Well. I didn't. I met with her when I was in Sacramento last week and Christian found out about it."

"Shit! No wonder he's upset." She shakes her head and frowns as she looks out the window. "Ana, I know you have only the best of intentions, but you just have to stop trying to fix everything."

"Kate I know that." I begin to cry. "I just wanted to try to help him. He has carried this self- hatred because of his parents around all his life." I sob as I try to drive. "I just wanted to give him a little peace about it."

"Hey, watch the road! Do I need to drive?"

"I'm fine. You just want any opportunity to drive my car."

"That's right. Don't make me take it away from you."

"Any way, I was waiting for the right time to talk to him about it and his damn security beat me to the punch and told him that his grandmother had been in Sacramento the same time I was. He ask me if I needed to tell him anything and I couldn't lie to him. I had to tell him what happened."

"And that's when he stopped talking to you?"

"Yes. He said he had to think about our marriage in light of the fact that I had betrayed him. He said he had to take his feelings about me out of his decision."

"What fucking decision?"

"Well he never really said for sure, just that he needed to think about continuing in a relationship where there was no trust." I really start to cry again.

"Oh, pe shaw! Steele that man can't live without you. Now I'm not saying what you did was right. I mean adoption is tricky. The adoptees aren't always gung ho to find out what their past is. You know. Like Elliott. He is just fine with Grace and Carrick. He really never has shown any interest in finding his birth parents. But if he wants to, it will be up to him to want to do it. I mean I'll support him whatever he wants to do, but that is strictly his business."

"Well I know that now." I am still crying as we pull into Lake View and park. "Kate I can't live without him. What am I going to do? He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. If he did, he'd be gone by now. He's just trying to work it out. Give him some space."

"No Kate. I think I've really hurt him."

"Look," she leans over and puts her hand on mine," he probably is really hurt. But he has hurt you in the past and you've worked through it. Give him credit to know that he loves you. Christian is a smart man. Smarter than most," she smirks. "Give him some credit that he'll figure it out. Now come on. Let's go visit our children."

Kate and I walk up to the Grey section and sit on the bench in the little garden. "How are you doing with this?" she asks as she puts her arm around me.

"You mean Sam?"

"Yes. I mean Sam."

"It's like you said it would be. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day. I can't decide which is worse to lose Sam before I even got to have him. Or like you to have Ava for a bit and then lose her."

"I don't think anyway is easier. It just sucks."

"Why won't Elliott come here with you?"

"Does Christian come with you?"

"No. But it hasn't been that long since Sam. Ava's been gone a while."

"It doesn't matter. Losing a child is losing a child. Coming here is a pain Elliott just prefers not to inflict on himself." She sighs, "I still wish I had a little girl."

"Have another one. You could still do it."

"No. I'm out of the baby business. I like what I have."

"You could adopt."

"I know and we have thought about it, but things are good right now. I think Elliott and I are where we need to be with our family." Pointing to the marker in our section, "Hey when you and Christian get that?"

"The marker? It was after we buried Sam. We decided to get the marker to claim our spot next to Sam. I wanted him to know that we were close and would be with him someday."

"What does it say?" she walks over to it. " Christian Trevelyan-Grey and Anastasia Steele Grey. '….do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'." She turns and walks back to me. "Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff and Catherine. Hmm. Well, this is not a man that is going to leave you."

"He knows I like Bronte."

"He knows you love him."