AN: So I've been hesitant to consider this, but the original Home did not have a dedicated love scene chapter. It seems with time, this is something people would like to read. Please let me know your thoughts whether a love scene should be included in the revised story. It would likely be a few chapters from now.
There's also a poll on my facebook author page – Lauren Cagliola Green Original Novels and Works asking the same question. Currently there are 7 yes votes and 0 nos. As it's fully a new chapter, it could take more time than a weekly update, but I have always wanted to provide my amazing readers what they want!
Chapter 53. Distraction
December
"Grace? Grace!" I was in the midst of a very busy wool shop bustling with early Christmas shoppers and cheery music in town with Anne who was now impatiently waving her hand in my face. She wasn't exasperated...at least not yet, but I wouldn't blame her if she had been. I hadn't proven to be the best companion for her Christmas shopping expedition for reasons of my own. The holiday season tended to take on a different tone when you are about to embark on the most important mission of your life. The church bells at city center chimed brighter, children's laughs were wilder and more carefree, and the smell of the brisk winter air was intoxicating. I was likely to miss all of it if the preparations for traveling to Japan panned out within the next few weeks. I had never been away from home at Christmas in my life. I supposed sacrificing treasured delights was part of what it meant to be truly grown-up.
"There," Anne sighed, regaining her smile as I blinked, and she came into focus. "You were miles away there. What do you think?"
I flushed and apologized. "Sorry Annie. It's a lovely scarf."
She nodded as she held up the shimmering grey knit up to the light. "I think it might be perfect for Nan. I can't believe she thinks I don't have to give her something for Christmas. I'm going to be her granddaughter in-law! She's got another think coming!"
"She also mustn't know how we make certain that every resident and person employed at Wammy's receives the perfect gift every year. She'll learn that soon enough." I smiled a little, remembering that I needed to be a better friend to Anne, who I'd be leaving soon and who still wasn't aware.
"Yeah, it's pretty much our job, isn't it?" she smirked placing the scarf carefully into her shopping basket. "No one else really likes the idea of spending every weekend present-hunting when they could be doing anything else, like sleeping or watching paint dry."
We ventured further into the wool shop, sidestepping warmly bundled elderly women crowding around the sales tables. "I thought I could rope in Jude. He'd be quite helpful in learning what others wished for, but he saw me coming and flatly refused." I remarked. Actually, he had rolled his eyes and said. "Shopping? Me? You've got to be bullocking mad." but that was neither here nor there.
Anne's eyes lit up. "Aww, he would have been PERFECT! Oh well." She glanced around the shop again and suddenly chuckled to herself.
"It's a bit of a daunting task, finding something for everyone, isn't it?" I sympathized. Some years I found the task exhilarating and others just plain exhausting. This year I was firmly in the second camp.
"Well, yeah, there are so many people we could find great stuff for in this shop, but you know what? Your boyfriend isn't one of them!" She spilled over into more giggles at the thought.
"No, I suppose socks, hats and jumpers aren't really in his repertoire." I replied, feigning levity. She didn't know, she couldn't have possibly known that even the mention of him was starting to cause me pain. L had become consumed by work; the case was all he would think about. As the weather grew colder and the body count rose, L had thrown himself into his research without a care for his well-being. He hadn't officially announced his involvement in the Kira case, which was why Japan was currently on hold, but he was diligent behind the scenes, never leaving his post in headquarters and collecting information from every avenue. He had been listless before, but now he resembled someone undead, never resting, never taking a moment to clear his head and leave that drafty prison where he had ensconced himself for days upon days, it positively broke my heart.
Every afternoon, I would check up but although he appeared at ease with my presence, he was still like a man possessed. I voiced my concerns to Wammy who tried his best to assure me that L's behavior was normal even when I knew it wasn't. Any suggestion of visiting a physician was dismissed and I was left with the need to take it upon myself to make sure he was at least eating.
I had come down the stairs earlier that day before the shopping excursion with a tray of steaming hot tea and chocolate chip muffins piled on a plate. He had glanced at the fare for a second before taking in my weary face. "When are you going to get some rest, G?" he asked coolly as he reached for the closest bake good within range. "I do not care to be watched like a hawk."
I couldn't do anything but laugh mirthlessly. "Ha. I will if you will."
He gave me an overly patient smile that I had learned to despise over the years. "You know I cannot do that. My duties are of much more importance than sleep. However, this doesn't limit you from such activity."
I felt a bit brazen as I leaned against the desk, tucking growing-out fringe behind my ear. "Very well then, join me."
The muffin fell out of his hand as his face went ashen. "J-J-Join you?" he sputtered, finally seeming more human.
"To sleep, Louie! To sleep!" Good lord!
"Oh," the look of terror dissipated as he swallowed hard. "I er…have my own bed to serve such a purpose."
I sighed heavily. "Yes, which you are not using. Hence, the entire reason for this discussion."
He thought for a moment, then looked up with a feeble wry smirk. "Are you attempting to pick a fight with me, Grace? I must say you seem to have lost your touch in that regard."
"Well that would be a shame. I would have abandoned my favorite former pastime." I gave him a defeated smile. "Can't you at least take a break for an hour or two? It worries me to see you burning the candle at both ends like this. It's not healthy."
L rolled his eyes and picked up his discarded muffin "G, you must remember that I somehow managed to survive twenty-four years without your anxiety or worry. I assure you that you have no cause for concern."
I refused to concede. "Wammy agrees with me. We talk about this often. There is no sense working this way. Not unless you wish to spend the yuletide in hospital."
He produced a petulant frown. "I do not feel comfortable knowing that I am the frequent topic of your discussion. Would you appreciate it if I went to Anne every time you were in a mood? I know in that case she and I would have to be in constant communication anymore but nonetheless."
I shot him a dark look that could have burnt him to a crisp where he sat. "I'm choosing to ignore that remark, but truly L, you must get over this feeling that I am somehow encroaching on your privacy. It's not going to change, and you should have gotten used to others caring about you long ago."
He stood up from his chair then, thinking his height to be an advantage. "I am an adult, lest you forget. I am even older than you. I am fully allowed to make my own decisions!"
"Not when you act like a child who has been avoiding his bedtime since last Monday. Then you fall directly under my jurisdiction. The next step would be taking away your house privileges...such as in this case, your excessive stash of sweets until you did as asked." I stood on my tiptoes to give him a defiant stare, my hands firmly planted on my hips. "Do you really want me to resort to that?"
He read my purposeful expression and scoffed. "You should not even jest about such a thing."
"I'm not jesting. I just don't know what else to do. Reasoning with you doesn't seem to work and this behavior is becoming more and more of a problem. I'm sure this Kira isn't losing sleep while you ignore the most natural of needs trying to catch him!"
L's eyes widened, and his thumb slipped up to his lips. "Kira losing sleep? Do you suspect that he has relocated somewhere where it is presently evening? I have noticed that murders aren't usually announced for hours from now." His mind was whirring then as he considered every possibility, save for the repercussions of leaving the girlfriend before him completely brassed off.
"I...don't...care...about…Kira. I care about you. There is insomnia and then there is suicide. This has gone on long enough. Have you even looked at yourself? Then you'd understand why I'm so upset!"
He blinked twice. "No, Grace, I rarely pay attention to my physical appearance." Surprise, surprise.
"Well this time perhaps you should! Maybe it would wake you up."
He couldn't hide a foolish smile and it only grew as I glared a hole through him. "But I thought you wished for me to sleep?"
He wasn't amusing in the slightest.
It was then that Anne texted me from Peter's car ready to do the Christmas shopping and I sighed. "Fine, if you're not going to listen to me, I can't hold any weight with you after all. I must go."
Discouraged, I started to pass him when he reached for my arm. I looked up at him with questions in my eyes that I didn't voice. What excuse was he planning this time?
He lowered his gaze and sighed heavily. "This increased lack of sleep. It's not from any desire to be pig-headedly stubborn or to worry you. It's...er...it's necessary."
"What?" I asked as his hand slid down my arm to entwine in my own. My stomach started to flutter as my heart filled once more defying every reason it shouldn't in this circumstance.
L gave me a plaintive look. "Allow me to explain. I used to be able to hold thoughts of you at bay when I worked. It was easy to do so when I never had to expect you to come seek me out. In fact, you avoided me like the plague, so it was a successful exercise. But now, you are so near, and I keep recalling your scent, or the way your fingers get tangled in my hair when we are affectionate, and I cannot function as well as I could before. I'm struggling where before it was simple. I have determined this is why I had such trouble figuring out that Kira originated in Japan. I've become highly distracted and I can't for the life of me determine what to do about it."
I was hurt, I couldn't help it. I was the reason he wasn't sleeping? Because I was hindering his work? It made me feel horrid. I stepped away from him trying my best to stay composed. "I understand, but-but you will need to remedy this as the case proceeds." After all, I thought, how are we supposed to work together if the mere thought of me is causing difficulty on your comprehension?
"I am aware. But how do you manage to work with both your head and your heart, G? I need to learn the secret."
I needed to get to Anne and the impossibly long Christmas shopping list, but I still paused to rest a hand on his cheek. "Don't think for a moment that it is easy to do." I murmured taking in his sad gaze. "But it is worth it in the end."
"G..."
The laptop screen illuminated again with Wammy's image and I jumped away embarrassed and feeling a flush of guilt. "We don't need another incident like last time..." I hissed as I scrambled far away out of the view of the laptop against the other wall." I was never so mortified in my life."
"Ah, is Grace down there with you, L?" Wammy's voice was cheerful as I cringed. "My dear, I have seen far far worse in my time, let me assure you."
L smiled hugely at me as I flushed scarlet. "Lord, on that note, I will be off."
"So soon?"
"Er, just a moment, Watari, then I will come report." L told him quietly and closed the laptop. He slowly crossed the room then and took me in his arms to murmur in my ear. "I do hope you aren't planning to purchase me a Christmas present, dearest."
Despite learning far too much about my adoptive father, I softened. "And what if I am?"
"You know I might not be able to open it in a timely manner." A soft kiss fell onto my cheek and I knew I was starting to smile like a besotted fool. Damn him. "Much like my birthday gift."
"Oh, well don't worry about that. You'll open it when you open it." I managed a confident smile. "Sooner than you think."
"Gracie? Hey there!"
Anne was calling me back to reality again as I stood outside of the wool shop half an hour later staring blankly across the street remembering our last exchange. I turned to her, thoughtful. "Annie, do you find me to be distracting?"
My sister paused with a curious smile. "No, but I do find you distracted...especially today."
I blushed. "I know. I apologize. I don't mean to be. It's just L..."
I never could doubt the swiftness of Anne's mind. "He said you distracted him? Aw, that's not your fault. Blame his inability to handle dishy girls!"
I found a smile forming. "That's not it. I think he's having a problem reining in his emotions now that he's put them on display. You know he never gave away a trace of feeling before. He doesn't know how to juggle his work and our relationship. I knew it was going to be difficult, I would have been a complete fool if I hadn't seen that coming but now he's losing sleep because of it. I feel rather selfish."
Anne sighed and put her arm through mine. "Rubbish. You can't help that. Love's a sacrifice after all. It's something we all want, but it does cause trouble sometimes."
I gave her an incredulous look as we made our way down the cobbled street to Peter's awaiting car. "And since when has Liam and your fairy-tale romance ever caused problems?"
"Oh oh, it has." She giggled then. "Especially how he can't get it out of his head that he should start working with L and wants me to convince him."
I stopped in my tracks, floored. "Working with L? What could he possibly mean by that?"
"Well, you know how sometimes priceless art gets stolen from museums? Lee's presently got it in his head that since he is an art professor that he could be L's go-to guy about that kind of thing. You know, tell him the history of the stolen painting or something. He thinks they'd make a great team."
It felt good to laugh and I did just that in the middle of The Square, not caring who heard me. "Aw, haha, bless him. He's simply precious! Have you told him that L has nothing to do with those type of cases?" Liam and L: treasure hunters. It was too amusing.
"No," Anne's eye had a devious twinkle. "I told him who usually takes those cases..."
I froze. Oh no. The last thing I needed was Liam's "in awe" gaze focused on me. "You didn't!"
"What? You didn't want him to know so you could be his hero too?" Anne blinked innocently but folded when she caught my terrified look. "All right, all right, I'm kidding. I didn't say anything! Honest! I just hope he gets this idea out of his head. I mean I'm happy he likes L for who he is, but he can't be him!"
I relaxed a bit and continued with her to the car. "Oh no, he's one of a kind all right. Rather a lot like certain best friends who like to absolutely scare each other to death..."
"Okay! Okay! Sorry! Sorry!" Anne laughed. "I'll keep Liam's ideas on how to catch Kira to myself then."
"How to catch Ki-? Oh yes, you'd better." I groaned as Peter helped us load the boot up with the bags of purchases. "I don't think I could take any more brilliant ideas from your fiancé this afternoon."
"Duly noted." Anne nodded with a grin as we climbed into the back seat. "But he has tons just so you know."
"I don't doubt that." I rested my head against the back of the seat, feeling extra tired. "Only Liam would want to be L."
"And you, remember." Anne teased as Peter turned the key in the ignition and a Christmas song burst forth from the speakers, almost taunting me with its hopeful tone.
"HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS,
LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT
FROM NOW ON,
OUR TROUBLES WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT…"
As Anne jumped in her seat unprepared, I simply sighed and closed my eyes. "I wish that was the case."
Once back home, I set my shopping bags on the floor of my quarters and slipped out of my coat, still smirking over Anne's admission of Liam's secret aspirations, when suddenly my door flung open, crashed against the wall, and L stormed in with a livid glare barely giving me a moment to react. "Cassandra Grace," He intoned, his apparent fury barely concealed. "This had better be a cruel joke."
I jumped and stared at him in shock. Long past were the days when he'd be afraid to even cross the threshold of my quarters for fear of being improper. "Good lord! What's the matter?" I demanded, playing the fool as he approached me, the unmitigated anger in his eyes absolutely terrifying.
L showed no hesitation in telling me. "I have just been to meet with Watari about the latest developments in the Kira case as is customary, and he informed me of something I was quite unaware of." His voice was dangerously soft. "The main reason being that it was one of the most stupid and reckless things I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. Would you care to make a guess what this was?"
I continued my startled look into his eyes, refusing to speak. I knew the slightest word from me then could be problematic.
"Someone," he bit into the word savagely, "told him that she plans to accompany us on this case. That she will hear no argument on the matter. Well, I have an argument, and you are damned well going to hear it, Grace Deacon, or so help me God I won't be held responsible for my actions. If you believe for a second, that I'm going to allow you to come with us to Japan, you must be insane. The idea is absurd! I absolutely forbid it!"
Anger rose inside of me as well. Here he was again being frustratingly superior. I knew he was going to react this way when he found out. I had hoped it would be different, but I knew now that had been a futile wish. "You forbid it? Well, this time it isn't up to you. Wammy agrees with me completely. Two heads are bloody well better than one! And the way this investigation is going, you will need all of the help you can possibly get!"
"I have already said that Watari will be with me. I will not be alone. That point is moot."
"Wammy is going to be SEVENTY! You depend on him far too much. How can he be of any assistance to you?"
L wasn't swayed. "He has proven his value many a time. I cannot in good conscience permit this. The danger is incalculable. Yes, you have helped me in the past, yes you are brilliant, but you had to know how I would feel about this. You couldn't have ignored everything I've said to you about wishing to keep you protected!" He certainly wasn't reining in his emotions now.
"What about what I wish for? Doesn't that matter? Is it wrong for me to want you to come home safely? Is that a bleeding crime?"
"As I see it, it's an immature desire that is not from any true rational thought. However, all of my choices have been."
I stalked away from him to shove my coat into the wardrobe. "Oh, spare me the noble act. How in God's name are you supposed to have a successor if you can't even lower your pride the slightest bit and allow one to help you?"
The frustration in his eyes was evident as he huffed. "I have told you before I do not wish for you to be my successor. In fact, I came to the conclusion that you agreed with me at last. Now you change your mind?"
I slammed shut the wardrobe door and turned to face him, trying to steady my shaking. "No, you once asked me if I was prepared to die as L, and I said I wasn't sure, but you didn't ask me if I would die for L and I absolutely would. I would die for justice and you better well know that I would die for you. If any help I can provide will keep you safe, I will do it!"
I didn't like the look his face then. His expression was still incensed but he appeared broken, fragile. "I don't know what to say." He finally admitted. "I thought you got it into your head to accompany us because of the case, not because of me."
"Well you were wrong." My voice started to crack, and I turned away before I broke down completely. A show of weakness wouldn't do here, when I had to show how capable I could be.
He was silent for a few minutes, then gave a heavy labored sigh. "Perhaps we both were, about everything. I never realized I would cause you to be so reckless with your own life. Don't try to save me, Grace. Put a little thought into saving yourself! "
He stayed a moment more, before striding to the door and slamming it shut behind him.
He was gone now. The heartache I felt had no equal. All I had wanted was to be helpful, to watch over him and Wammy and lend my expertise to achieve this. I wasn't dumb, I wasn't reckless. I was terrified, terrified of this Kira causing everything in my life to fall apart. I had to feel some semblance of control, which is why I had asked Wammy to permit me to join them at all.
Fat lot of good that had done. I didn't even know if he would talk to me again before he left. Maybe I was stupid after all.
Tiredly, I fell down on the bed as the tears came stronger. I couldn't move. Love was a sacrifice, I knew that, and Anne had reminded me of that, but I never had expected such anguish. I turned out the light and pulled the comforter on top of me as I continued to feel dreadful about everything and doubted that I'd sleep. It didn't matter that it was only half eight at night, I couldn't face anyone now.
I heard the door knob turn an hour later and a sliver of light fell across the room before it was snuffed out by the careful closing of the door.
It was probably a child, I deemed as I buried further in the tear-stained covers. Wanting my comfort when I was unable to give it.
Nonetheless, I waited as the person shuffled to the bed and added their weight to the mattress, surprising me and ruling out a great deal of possibilities. Then, long arms snaked around me and a repentant voice murmured in my ear "We will discuss this more tomorrow. For now, I suppose one night of sleep won't do much harm. For you, I will try."
There was only one option left.
I turned around to see L's head settling into the pillow, his body above the covers, his eyes finally closing. My heart felt so much lighter as I didn't speak and returned the embrace, fitting my head under his chin. His hold on me tightened and I let out a low sigh. Some wars would be better handled in the morning. For now, I would settle for winning the battle.
"I love you for trying."
Song - Set Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
New song – The Chain – Fleetwood Mac
Microsoft Word has some new feature where it highlights wordy passages and encourages them to be more concise. Obviously the programmers haven't written in Grace or L's narrative voices! :)
