Chapter 42
Shame, Despair, and a Daydream

The sun was nearly gone from the sky when Obi-Wan was finally able to escape the Senate complex with Vader and return to the Jedi Temple. His report to the Senate on the state of the war had gone fairly well, it had been the before, and especially the after, that was the taxing part. After the formal report, various Senators had swamped him with questions, the vast majority of which he couldn't answer as he couldn't read the future and know if their specific system was in danger or if he could successfully protect them.

At least we got out of there before the sun set, Obi-Wan consoled himself as he rode the airbus back to the Temple District. Glancing to his left at Vader, his strained optimism faded a little more. But perhaps we didn't leave soon enough.

If anything, Vader looked more crushed and miserable than he had when Obi-Wan had led him into the grand foyer of the Senate. He sat slumped against the window of the tubular airbus and stared vacantly at the vast swath of Coruscanti skyline. With his limp posture, dull eyes, and complete silence, and without his sullen attitude, he was a shadow of his usual self.

Due to the late hour, the airbus was almost completely empty, and Obi-Wan seized the opportunity. "What's wrong?" he asked quietly.

"Never take me there again," Vader mumbled. His blue eyes slowly shifted away from the window to fix on Obi-Wan. "Why did you even take me?"

"You've never been there," Obi-Wan replied, "and I thought you might find the experience interesting."

"Pictures were enough for me," Vader grumbled.

"I don't see what you found so unpleasant. Aside from the Supreme Chancellor, no one tried to talk to you," Obi-Wan pointed out.

Vader visibly shivered. "Never make me talk with him again, either. I don't like him." He pulled his cloak tighter over his shoulders. "And it wasn't the crowd of chatty politicians that bothered me so much as the…the atmosphere of the place. It was so…so dark and oppressive. How could you stand it in there?"

Obi-Wan frowned at the description. Dark and oppressive? "I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary."

Vader frowned. "Seriously?"

"Perhaps I've grown accustomed to the place," Obi-Wan suggested. Although…I don't recall ever feeling anything like that on my first few visits to the Senate as a Padawan.

Vader looked doubtful at that idea. "Maybe."

"If you were so unhappy, why not visit with a friend while I was occupied?" Obi-Wan asked. "Senator Amidala was present and I'm sure that she wouldn't have minded talking to you while I danced around the rest of the Senate."

The teenager abruptly grew more animated as he squirmed at the mention of that particular politician. "No," he gulped anxiously as a faint flush rose in his cheeks. "I-I wouldn't want to bother her."

Obi-Wan couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the young man's interesting reaction—which was made more interesting when he recalled the bizarre and somewhat mysterious evolution of Vader's relationship with the woman from before. "I don't think she would've minded. In fact, considering the open invitation she gave us when we left Naboo, I think she would've been glad to see you."

Vader slumped lower in his seat, covered his darkening face with his cool metal hand, and mutely shook his head.

"We do have two weeks leave," Obi-Wan pointed out. "You could go visit her tomorrow."

"No," Vader choked, mortified. "No, no, no."

Obi-Wan briefly considered pursuing this line of conversation further, but he decided that Vader was getting too upset, too quickly. Instead, he shifted to a different sensitive topic that was more important than Vader's apparent crush on Padmé Amidala of Naboo and his inexplicable spurt of shyness about her. "So, what sort of world is Yavin IV?"

Vader's agitation quickly faded into wariness. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm curious," Obi-Wan replied.

The young man shrugged. "It's a jungle."

Obi-Wan nodded, "And?"

Vader's gaze dropped to his lap. "There were some old, abandoned Sith temples there."

Oh dear. "And just what was it that Ventress said or did that has you so down?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"It wasn't her," Vader replied; his voice so quiet Obi-Wan had to strain to hear him. "It was what I did."

"Oh?" Obi-Wan prompted.

Vader made no reply. Before Obi-Wan could ask again, the airbus pulled up to their stop. The teen practically crawled over Obi-Wan's lap in his eagerness to escape the transport, and the unpleasant conversation.

This isn't over, Obi-Wan sighed as he followed Vader off the airbus and along the street towards the towering Jedi Temple. Next chance I get, we're going to go over this again.


Dinner had been a quietly tense affair. While Obi-Wan hadn't pressed for any more information about Yavin IV, but Vader knew that he would sometime soon. But it seemed that Yoda and Windu would be getting a crack at him before that happened.

With dinner over, Vader and Obi-Wan stood before the door of Master Yoda's meditation chamber. From Vader's earliest days at the Temple, this room had been the place where he and Obi-Wan met with the top Council members to discuss his…special considerations. Vader couldn't decide if he liked the place or not. On the one hand, it was a dim, cozy room with comfortable chairs. On the other hand, he got lectured and scolded in the room nearly every time he crept inside it.

I'm definitely going to get yelled at this time. Vader tucked his hands deeper into his sleeves as Yoda's door quietly whooshed open. And I totally deserve it.

"Come in," Master Windu's deep voice commanded.

Sighing, Vader slunk into the shadowy chamber, bowed to the two Masters, and melted onto one of the round padded stools. Obi-Wan paid his respects to the Masters as well and took a seat near the door, as far away as he could get from the conference in the tiny room. It was unlikely that his Master was going to say anything; Vader got the feeling that he was only present as an observer.

Master Yoda pinned him with a searching stare and tapped a taloned finger on his green, wrinkly chin. "Know why you are here, do you?"

"Yes, Master," Vader replied quietly with a nod. I've been very naughty and now I'm to be punished.

"Explain," Yoda commanded.

"I abandoned my post mid-battle to chase Asajj Ventress to the Yavin system where I lost a squad of ARC troopers," Vader answered dully. I'm such a loser.

"Why did you follow her?" Master Windu inquired.

"She engaged me in a dogfight and thoroughly insulted me," Vader muttered with a shrug. "Once I lock onto a target, I don't like to give up the chase until it's space dust."

Neither Master seemed terribly pleased with his answer.

"And on Yavin IV, what occurred?" Yoda inquired.

"She led me on a wild Bantha chase, picked off the ARC troopers one-by-one, and then we dueled at this abandoned Sith temple until I kicked her off the top of it." There, that's the bare bones of it…

"And you're not sure if she survived the fall or was killed?" Master Windu asked.

"It was pretty high up. A tree could've broken her fall, or it could've impaled her." Vader scuffed his boot heel on the carpet. "I don't know."

Master Yoda narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "During your duel, say anything to you, did she?"

"Nothing important," Vader swallowed. "Just insults and threats. Nothing specific; no Separatist troop movements or anything."

The wrinkled old troll gave him a long hard look and it was all Vader could do to keep from wilting under it. But Yoda seemed willing to leave the subject alone—something that Vader was incredibly grateful for. However, Yoda and Windu shifted onto the issue that Vader had been dreading the most.

"Now," Master Windu leaned back on his stool to straighten his spine and make himself even more imposing, "you are aware that this latest episode is your third unsanctioned absence; fourth if you count that little jaunt to Tatooine before the war. We've already revoked your flying privileges once. What should we do with you now?"

This time Vader wilted. "I don't know."

"Tell us, what punishment will finally get through to you that you can't just fly off to wherever you want, whenever you want," Master Windu glowered.

Vader answered without thinking. "Make me errand boy in the Senate complex." He shuddered. "I'd be a nervous wreck by day three."

Master Yoda pricked up his long, wobbly ears. "The Senate you have visited?"

"He took me with him this afternoon," Vader replied, hooking his thumb over his shoulder at his silently observing Master.

Master Windu leaned forward intently. "And you did not enjoy the experience?"

"No." Vader frowned at the floor. "I'd rather run around in a nest of Gundark again than spend time in that building. It's so…Dark."

"Notice anything specific, did you?" Master Yoda asked.

Vader squinted at the carpet as he mulled over possible answers to the question. "I don't like Chancellor Palpatine," he said at last. "He's creepy in a way that I can't describe, and I hope that I never see him again."

Master Yoda, it seemed, wasn't quite ready to let the subject go. "When in his presence, how felt you?"

"Cold," Vader answered, "and unnerved."

"Hmm," Yoda grunted, his expression troubled.

Master Windu looked a little more grim than usual, but he pressed on. "As to your problem with abandoning your responsibilities…this is your absolute last chance. Already, the Council has forgiven you more than it should have. If you run off again, you will be stripped of your military rank, removed from Obi-Wan's custody, and kept within the Temple for the remainder of the war." The Korunnai Jedi fixed him with a graze stare. "Do you understand?"

Vader gave a jerky nod. "Yes, Master Windu." I knew I was on thin ice, but…damn.

Master Windu gave him a skeptical look, but let it pass. "Good."

"Dismissed you are," Yoda sighed.

"Good evening Masters," Vader muttered, bowed, and exited the chamber with Obi-Wan a few steps behind him.

That was bad, Vader cringed as he let Obi-Wan lead the way back to their quarters in the residential section of the Temple. I'm so screwed! One more screw-up and… Oh, what am I going to do?!


If Mace's plan was to scare him straight, Obi-Wan reflected, I think it may have worked…

Vader was clearly miserable. He was slumped on the couch and utterly oblivious to Orbie's worried chirps as the modified hovercam droid circled his head like a worried fly. The teen hadn't spoken a word since leaving Master Yoda's nearly an hour earlier.

Thinking back on the meeting with the Masters, Obi-Wan couldn't help but think that Vader hadn't admitted to everything. There was at least one tiny, but significant, detail that he had omitted. And that scrap of a secret was the source of Vader's glum mood throughout the rest of the Muunilinst, and now it only enhanced his misery at the threat of being locked up in the Temple until further notice.

Obi-Wan walked up behind the couch, shooed the anxious floating camera off, and leaned over the moping teenager, casting him into shadow. "Keeping it inside isn't going to help."

"Who says I'm holding anything back?" Vader mumbled.

"I do," Obi-Wan replied, "and I'm fairly certain that at least Master Yoda noticed it too."

"I don't want to talk about it," the young man growled. "I'd much rather forget it."

Obi-Wan folded his arms in his sleeves. "If you forget about it, you forget the lesson in it."

Vader curled into a ball. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I know you don't want to talk about it," Obi-Wan sighed, "but it would be best if you did; the sooner, the better. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be."

"Just drop it," Vader pleaded.

Obi-Wan walked around the couch to sit beside the huddled teenager. "I can't 'just drop it,' it's part of my job."

"No it isn't," Vader grumbled.

"Yes it is," Obi-Wan corrected. "I am charged with defending you, training you in the ways and culture of the Jedi, and to otherwise look after you. This, I believe, falls into the otherwise-looking-after-you category."

Vader scowled up at him for a moment. "You're making that up."

"No I'm not," Obi-Wan snorted.

"Whatever," the teen muttered and looked away. There was a long pause. "So you really want to know, huh?"

"I do," Obi-Wan nodded.

"Well…" Vader hesitated and grabbed one of the few decorative pillows and tucked it under his head as he tried to get comfortable. "Ventress threatened to kill me and take you as her torture-toy before killing you…and then I went Dark Side on her."

"I see," Obi-Wan sighed. So he's had another slip. It's been a long while since the last one… "Perhaps it's a good thing then that you ran off to Yavin IV to have that little duel."

Vader shook his head. "No, you don't see."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "I don't?"

"I should be past this by now," Vader complained miserably. "The last time I slipped up it was…what, a year, a year and a half ago? But on the top of that temple, it was like I hadn't learned anything. I was high on the power and I used it without hesitation. I blasted her off that pyramid and I was glad…"

Oh dear. Obi-Wan stroked his beard thoughtfully. "How long did it take you to come down from this…'high'?"

Vader flexed his mechanical right hand a few times. "A few minutes after I took her out, it started to rain, and that woke me up from it."

"And when you regained your senses, how did you feel?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"Bad," Vader snorted. "Ashamed. Stupid…"

Obi-Wan leaned back in his seat. "Well, that's a relief."

Vader squinted up at him. "A relief?"

"If you hadn't snapped out of it so quickly and hadn't felt regret over your actions, then I'd be worried," Obi-Wan explained.

"I suppose," Vader mumbled doubtfully.

"Frankly, I'm not too surprised that this happened; I almost expected something like it to happen sooner."

Vader frowned. "How do you figure that?"

"You've been under a great deal of stress for a long time now. We're at war, and you've been in several battles, suffered a traumatic injury, and been forced to face Count Dooku twice so far." Obi-Wan shook his head. "And this particular episode on Yavin IV isn't as extreme as some of your earlier ones. Remember that slaver, Krayn?"

Vader blanched. "Yeah, I do."

It had been one of their first missions together. Obi-Wan had been leading some tense negotiations between two inhabited planets in the same system on the edge of the Mid Rim. Vader had wandered off to explore the nearby city and stumbled over a minor slaving raid taking place a charity orphanage. The teen had tried to stop it and lost his lightsaber in the process. He'd been briefly held captive by the slaving crew, but before Obi-Wan could save him, he'd snapped and killed the T'surr leader of the crew, Krayn.

And Vader hadn't just killed him. The blue alien's heart had been crushed to a pulp and many of his internal organs had been burned, all without a single outward mark on his body. The coroner had never seen anything like it, and neither had Obi-Wan. Vader hadn't been terribly concerned with how he'd killed the slaver; in fact, the fifteen-year-old had been perversely proud of what he'd done.

"Was killing Krayn anything like what you did to Ventress?" Obi-Wan asked.

"No," Vader shivered, "no way."

"Then calm down," Obi-Wan advised. "On the one hand, it is a little step back; but on the other, it's progress. You slipped but you didn't slip as badly, and it's been a very long time since you have slipped. Considering the state of the galaxy right now, I think it's something of an accomplishment."

"Accomplishment?" Vader rolled his eyes. "That's a little bit of a stretch."

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Do you feel better now?"

"A little bit," Vader admitted after a moment's thought.

"Good." Obi-Wan patted his shoulder before abandoning the couch. "Don't stay up too late. I plan on putting you through your paces tomorrow."

"Yes, Master," Vader groaned. "Good night."

"Good night," Obi-Wan chuckled as he vanished into his bedroom.

I'll have to amend Vader's report to Mace and Yoda tomorrow… But that's tomorrow. Now is the time for sleep if I want to keep him on his toes in the morning…


Vader slunk into his room and settled against his desk as he glanced around. The place was just as he'd left it – not that he'd expected that it would be rearranged in his absence – but somehow it looked different. Almost like it was smaller, or a slightly different color.

He shook his head and glanced over at Orbie's shelf, where the droid was plugging in to charge for the night. "Hey, how are ya?"

The blue and yellow sphere chirped something that sounded neutral.

"Bored?" Vader guessed. "Sorry about that, but the frontlines are no place for you. Battledroids don't care that you're a camera. You move, they'll shoot you."

Orbie moaned in disappointment.

"Sorry," Vader shrugged. "I'll try and find something for you to do while I'm off next time."

The droid warbled something vaguely grateful and shut off for its charging/maintenance cycle.

"Good night," Vader murmured.

He started to push off from his desk to head for his bed, when a cracked drawer caught his eye. Nudging the drawer open with his thumb, he peered inside to remind himself what he kept in there. It contained pens, pencils, scraps of paper, circuit boards, wires, various small droid parts, and—

Blinking in surprise, Vader fished out the carved Japor snippet by its Jerba leather cord and dangled it before his face. He'd completely forgotten that he'd picked it up on his impromptu visit to Tatooine and stuffed it in the desk drawer. He dropped the pendant into his left palm and ran his fingers over the familiar carved patterns. It brought back memories…

"What are you working on, Ani?"

Anakin jumped and tucked the nearly complete carving behind his back. "Nothing!"

"It doesn't look like nothing to me," his mother snorted. "Let me see it."

"Okay," Anakin sighed and held out the smooth piece of wood for her inspection.

"Oh, Ani, it's beautiful!" she gushed as she turned it over in her weathered, calloused hands. "Is it almost finished?"

"Yeah," Anakin nodded enthusiastically.

"Who are you making it for?"

"I was making it for Padmé, but…" Anakin's face fell. "But she's gone now. I couldn't finish it fast enough."

"Cheer up, Ani," his mother smiled and hugged his shoulders. "Why don't you finish this," she smiled and passed him back the chunk of wood back to him. "Who knows, maybe you'll meet up with her again. Or maybe you'll find some other pretty girl worthy of this great gift." Her dark eyes lit up with an idea. "You could use it as an engagement gift!"

"Mom!" Anakin wailed in embarrassment, his cheeks burning. "I'm only nine! I'm too young to worry about engagement gifts!" He pouted. "Besides, who would want to marry a slave like me?" Certainly not Padmé, he thought morosely.

"Don't give up hope, Ani," his mother advised. "You're a very special boy, do you know that? From the very moment that you were born, I knew that you were meant for great things one day. It's why I named you 'Anakin'."

"If you say so, Mom," Anakin sighed.

"I do say so." She kissed him on the cheek. "Now come inside, it's time for dinner."

Anakin closed his used penknife and stuffed it and the almost-complete snippet of Japor into his pocket. "Yes, Mom." I wonder what sort of girl I'll marry…when I marry.


The setting sun glittered on the calm surface of the lake. He leaned anxiously against the stone railing next to an elderly man in holy robes. Off to the side, Artoo and Threepio stood, waiting for something.

He turned abruptly to see her gliding out of the house. She wore a silver-white dress with a lacy head veil and held a sprig of small white flowers. At first he couldn't see the bride's face because of the long shadows cast by the setting sun. But the instant she stepped into the light, he recognized her as…


The Japor pendant tumbled out of his hand and his face burned. What was that?! He shook his head vigorously and pressed his cold metal hand against his hot face. Oh bad, bad, bad…

Shaken, he scooped up the jewelry, strode over to his closet, buried the thing in his old bag, and then collapsed on his bed. After laying there for a few minutes, he stripped down for bed. With a Force-gesture, he switched off the light, and then he curled under the covers.

But, unfortunately, the disturbing daydream turned into a night dream…