~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow. Over a month since I last updated. Don't kill me. Let's see... I have three final chapters ready to go for you guys :) Gonna upload them all today, but probably one by one. Here we go! We're ending!~~~
Sauli:
The airport was fast approaching.
I stared blankly out the window of the taxi, watching the scenery pass me by in a blur. It was bittersweet to know that these were my last few moments here. Admittedly, I would miss the gorgeous surroundings. If I could take this wonderful heat and weather back with me to Finland, I would.
Other than the rumble of the engine, it was a silent ride. I didn't want to have any sort of conversation with the driver. And I guessed he could sense my melancholy energy since he didn't bother trying to make small talk. I was entirely grateful for that. I didn't trust my voice right now. I felt like if I were to open my mouth, all that would come out is some strange, strangled cry. Yeah, not pleasant.
The quiet in the air plus the smoothness of the ride as we cruised down the highway was actually rocking me to sleep. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
Clutched tightly to my chest like a lifeline was my gym bag that carried the last of my belongings. It also carried Adam's jacket and a little extra something that I couldn't bear to throw away. I had tried to get rid of the jacket earlier, but I just couldn't. Yes, I did want to escape this place because Adam's presence and memories everywhere were killing me, but this jacket… I needed it. I needed a tiny reminder that he'd been real. I hadn't been able to peel my fingers off of it and let it fall into the motel garbage can. You would have had to break my fingers off to get me to release it.
It'd taken every last bit of my energy to drag myself off that hotel bed to make the flight. I'd just wanted to lay there with Adam's jacket, pretending he was there with me until I withered away to nothing. I couldn't believe I was really doing this and leaving, but I also couldn't spend one more day here. I wouldn't be able to handle another day of feeling Adam everywhere.
Before I'd left for the airport, I'd actually gone back to Adam's house. Oh, what a perfect way to move on: Go to your dead boyfriend's house where it was the last place you ever saw him.
But, I had to do it. I needed closure.
When I'd gotten there, the house was still vacant and unlocked, to my surprise. Of course, I'd been shaking excessively when I'd entered the house, but I'd managed to keep my head down away from the dried blood and run straight to the stairs. I'd entered Adam's room and had started crying almost immediately. Everything had pulsed so strongly of him that it'd been almost like he was in the room. I'd looked over at the bed, still messy from the best moment of my life, and felt violently sick.
There were a couple of things that were still strange to me though. A few items were missing from where I remembered seeing them, likeclothes and Adam's little notebook that had once been very apparent on his otherwise empty desk. That had confused me for a minute, but then I figured that people had gone in there and stolen things since the place was completely abandoned. I felt terrible someone had Adam's personal songs to themselves, but back at his house, that realization reminded me of something…
I had run over to Adam's bed and fought the overwhelming urge to just roll around in his covers and stay there forever. I'd searched around that area for a long minute until I'd finally found it.
Map.
Adam's song for me. My hands had been trembling while gripping the sides. My throat had felt tight and I'd felt a river of tears drip down to the floor as I read over those lyrics again.
I don't need to wander anymore... I have found what I've been looking for…
Remember that strangled cry I was so afraid of letting out right now in the cab? Yeah, that had made its first appearance back at Adam's house. It'd ripped out of my throat when I'd finished reading over his beautiful song again.
It wasn't fucking fair. How was I supposed to live stably when a huge part of me was gone forever? He'd written me something like this. He was dead. I couldn't cope with that fact.
You'll always light the path…
Dammit, Adam. Just because you thought I was gone didn't mean that "path" was gone too. What a waste. What an idiot! I couldn't accept that he'd followed through with it. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't ever let him hurt himself again because I knew he was unstable. He'd been healing though! I'd thought he finally was strong enough on his own. I guess my being in coma had destroyed any progress we'd made… He'd probably reverted back to his old, fragile self. And thinking I was dead pushed him over the edge.
But, no matter what happened to me… didn't he realize that killing himself wasn't what I would ever want him to do? How would that solve anything? Murdering yourself wasn't the answer and the escape people desperately sought. It was just giving up… on everything you had potential for. It was surrendering to the world and admitting you were worthless. This was never true… And I'd thought Adam had more dignity than to give up after everything he'd been through. I wished he'd appear for a minute just so I could scream at him. I came out of a coma for him. I loved him enough to hold onto my life because I knew it meant the world to him. I just wished someone had told him I was going to be alright before he crumbled.
I'd gently folded the song and placed it inside of Adam's jacket in my bag. There was no way in hell I was going to leave this beautiful thing there for someone else to find and throw away. It was rightfully mine and always would be. Now I didn't only have proof that he'd been real, but I also knew that he'd been mine.
I hadn't even bothered telling my parents that I was going home. I figured they didn't care. I didn't ever want to see or hear them again, not after what they put Adam through. I didn't really care about how they treated me, but to make Adam feel like shit for loving me… It crossed so many lines. Plus, I was pretty sure my relatives in Finland would call them anyway once I got there. It would probably have been better if I called my extended family to let them know I was coming, but oh well. Surprises were nice, right?
"Kid, didn't you hear me? We're here," I heard my driver mutter gruffly.
I blinked and came back to reality. Looking around, I realized that the cab wasn't moving. Out of the window, I stared up at the huge airport and felt my stomach flutter.
"Right, sorry," I mumbled incoherently as I dug through my bag for the money I owed him. I handed him the wad of cash and muttered, "Thanks for the ride," as I climbed out of the passenger seat.
I entered the airport and the hustle of everyone trying to make their flights hit me. Have you ever felt so alone in a crowd? I was having one of those moments right now. I looked around for a bit and my eyes landed on a giant screen. The flight schedules alternated on the screen. I scanned the listings until I found my flight. Okay, good. I was on time.
I checked in quickly and grabbed my boarding pass. Going through the security system and customs were a pain and it seemed endless. I didn't bother checking in my bag; it was coming with me as a carry-on. I got scanned, prodded, questioned, etc. The whole time, I was thinking about Adam. I fought hard not to burst out and start crying in the middle of the airport like a lost child. I would have plenty of time for that when I arrived home.
I missed him and needed him like air. I was collapsing on the inside at the thought of forgetting about the amazing things that had happened here with him, but I also couldn't bear to be in a place where his presence was a constantly nagging reminder of what almost was. Maybe in Finland, I would feel better and more relaxed since it was a fresh start.
Oh, who the fuck was I kidding? I'd hurt no matter where I went. The love of my life was dead, for fuck's sake. I would never see him again.
When the process was all finally over, I headed off to my gate which was on the other side of the airport. My legs ached by the time I finally got there.
I sat by my gate doors, waiting. My flight was to leave in thirty minutes. The entire wall to my side was made out of glass. You could see out onto the runway and all the planes on standby, including mine. I gazed at nothing out the window for a while, avoiding any contact with the people near me. With fifteen minutes left, they finally started boarding passengers. I got up and got in line, being one of the last to get on.
I suddenly felt really weird… I couldn't describe it. There were zero memories of Adam here, and yet… I felt him. His aura was tingling at the back of my neck. Why…?
I ignored it. It was probably because of how much I missed him. I headed to the front of the line and handed the flight attendant my boarding pass. She checked it over and offered it back to me. I wanted break down and cry at her feet when she offered me a small smile. After making my way slowly onto the plane, I stumbled down the narrow aisle to my seat and plopped down into it, sighing. I checked my watch.
Ten minutes until freedom.
I started to relax as other passengers continued filing in. Feeling emotionally exhausted, I was about ready to pass out. I flatly asked an attendant when we were leaving. He told me that we were taking off right away. I sighed and leaned back into my seat. So fucking close. Come on, already. The last person to come on the plane was some frail-looking old lady. She headed down the aisle toward me. Lo and behold, she stopped by me.
"Excuse me, son," she mumbled and I shifted to let her pass me to get to her seat. As she did so and sat down, she kept muttering to me. "Trying to have a peaceful flight and there's a crazy man trying to get on the airplane." I hummed in response, not really listening. "He keeps screaming some weird name. Of all the inconsiderate… Doesn't he know there are people with sensitive hearing? The newer generations are so disappointing."
I tried to ignore her. Yes, it was kind of obnoxious of me, but could you blame me for not wanting to talk to anybody? I was too depressed to really think about what this probably senile old woman was mumbling about.
After the crew went through their quick safety procedures, I could finally hear the engines perk up, and the lady next to me did as well. She flapped her hand at my shoulder frantically as she looked out the window. "I can see the lunatic through the window! Oh my word, he's still quarreling with those nice security men. What got his panties in a wad? They're holding him down. Look, there!"
Lady, I didn't fucking care.
"No thanks," I mumbled dryly, wanting her to shut up. I didn't really care who was doing what. I wanted to leave. Now.
The plane finally, finally, started to roll down onto the runway. I closed my eyes in peace. The old lady slapped my shoulder again while her face was glued to the little oval window. I wanted to chuck her out of it. My eyes flew open and I glared at the back of her head just before she said, "He's all pressed up against the glass now, staring at the plane. They didn't throw him out? I wonder why he looks so sad."
That caught my attention for a second. I peered out the window, but it was already too late. We'd turned a corner. I couldn't see anything now but runway. I shrugged and nestled into my seat again.
"Oh lord, he missed the airplane. Now I feel bad for him," the old lady buzzed. "I hope it wasn't for something important."
I shoved the complimentary ear buds deep into my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping she'd get the message. The plane sped up tremendously. I felt a huge sigh of relief… and regret for some reason the second I felt the tires leave the ground. Within minutes of silence after climbing high into the air, I forced myself to doze off, ready to forget.
~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE: One more... then epilogue...~~~
