A/N: Chapter 50!
Wow, I got 21 reviews for the last chapter. That's the first time I've ever got over 20 for a chapter in one go. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Again, a big thank you goes to vegetarianvamps for reading through a certain part of this chapter. She knows how much I love her *smiles* Also, the sixth from bottom paragraph was written by koko23cat. I can't even begin to take credit for that amazing thing.
To my readers, I love you all, and even though I give you all this angst, I promise good things are to come in the end. I know there is a lot of Jasper POV at the moment, but I realised that from what is to come (in this chapter) it worked out better not to see what Alice is thinking. Trust me; there is a lot of Alice POV later on during the happier side of this story.
*gasp* I just said happier, didn't I?
Another big chapter, so…I'm going to hide under a rock now. *tips imaginary hat and leaves*
Disclaimer: [In this space, please insert why Lonely-Soldier/FrozenSoldier is a Twilight fan, and not, in fact, Stephenie Meyer]
Chapter 50 - I'm Not Your Mr Perfect
30th August 2009
Jasper POV
My gaze followed the spider that was making its way across the ceiling. I had a feeling it was spinning a web, but from that far away, I couldn't quite see. After a while, the spider disappeared from my sight, and I sighed, rubbing at my tired eyes with the palms of my hands.
I hadn't slept long the night before, maybe three hours at the most. It seemed as soon as I fell asleep, the nightmare had hit me. Compared to the usual one I had, where I would wake up shaken and sweating, this mother fucker topped them all.
They'd all been there – Maria, Alice, Peter, Charlotte, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie and Bella, even Mom and Emily. They just kept getting further away from me, until suddenly they just fucking disappeared – all expect Maria, who, just like always, remained there, smiling and unreachable.
When I opened my eyes, it felt as if I was about to be sick. Maria had been the only one to stay with me, when in reality, she was the only who was truly gone. It was sick and twisted, and I wondered how the fuck my mind had conjured it up.
My thoughts were broken when I heard someone knock on my door. A second later, Mom came in.
"There's someone here to see you," she said with a slight tinge of cautiousness in her voice. My brow furrowed as I tried to work out who it was. Was it Alice? I could feel the tension in my body just from thinking about her, but then I realised that if it was Alice, then Mom would have said.
Besides, Alice wouldn't be here.
I got up from the bed and went out into the hallway, looking down the stairs to see who it was. A quick jolt travelled through me as I saw him.
"If you don't want to talk to him, I can tell him to leave," Mom continued, whispering now that we were in earshot. I stared at Henry for a long moment, wondering if I should take her up on that. But I knew that I had to at least hear him out.
As I made my way downstairs, Henry looked at me and straight away I noticed something different about him. He didn't look like he had the other day; he looked like he was regretting something.
"Can we talk?" he asked as I reached the bottom step. I gave him a long stare before agreeing. He went to say something more, but I stopped him and signalled towards the door.
"We'll talk outside."
He nodded, and together we made our way out. I made sure to shut the door behind me before turning back to him.
"What do you want to say, Henry?"
For a long moment, he just looked at me. "I'm going back to college later today, but I didn't want to go without first apologising for what I said to you. It wasn't my place to say it, and even if I think you two should be together, it's obvious you guys don't think the same. So, I'm sorry, I should have kept my mouth shut."
"Yeah, you should have done," I told him, then sighed because I was too fucking tired to be angry at him. "But what's done is done. There's no point going on about it now, it won't change anything."
His gaze travelled downwards yet again. "Have you talked to Alice?"
I sighed again, not really wanting to go into it with him, but also knowing I didn't really have a choice.
"I haven't talked to her since waking up yesterday," I replied, trying my hardest not to think about what had happened.
"Shit," he muttered, running his hands over his face. "Should I go talk to her? I could tell her what I said to you; make her see this isn't your fault."
I smiled weakly, wishing it was really that easy. "Thanks, but that's not why she doesn't want to talk to me."
He grimaced. "Robbie?"
"Yes. You saw what she was like when she found out." I paused, remembering the look on her face. "Bella told me to leave it a couple of days, but I could leave it a fucking week and I still wouldn't have a clue what to say to her."
It looked as if he was about to say something when the door opened behind me. I turned around to see Mom standing in the doorway with my cell phone in her hand. I was about to ask what she was doing when she began to speak.
"Your phone was ringing," she said, quickly glancing at Henry behind me. "I left it at first, but then he rang again. Here."
She handed me the phone then disappeared back inside. Without looking at the called ID, I put the phone to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Jas." It was Edward. "Are you busy? I can call back in a little while; I just wanted to see how things are going."
"Hang on a minute, Edward," I said as I turned to look at Henry. I covered the receiver and went to say something to Henry, but he beat me to it.
"I should be going," he said, looking at his watch. "I hope you and Alice sort things out."
I nodded, not knowing what else to say to him.
"I'm going to be back in December with everyone else," he continued, looking hesitant now. "Maybe I'll see you then."
"Yeah, maybe," I replied, unsure as to whether I would see him in December. He seemed satisfied with my response, and with a quick nod of his head, he turned away and left.
I didn't watch him walk away.
"Sorry about that," I said as I brought the phone to my ear once again.
"It's alright," he replied. "I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?"
"Not anymore, Henry was here. He just left."
"You actually talked to that fucking idiot?" he asked in a far from friendly voice.
My eyes widened, taken aback. Edward didn't swear very often, so it shocked me to hear him speak like that about someone we knew. It shouldn't have surprised me so much; really, it wasn't as if I didn't swear like a trooper myself.
"What else was I going to do? He's Emmett's brother." I sighed. "I'm just...not in the mood to stay angry at him. I don't have the energy for that. Besides, I can't really blame him for thinking what he did. He wasn't the only one."
"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.
"I heard you and Emmett talking yesterday morning when you came to wake me and Alice up," I told him, trying to show him that I didn't mind in the tone of my voice. "I was already awake."
"Oh, God...sorry, Jas," he said awkwardly.
I smiled to myself. Of course he would try and apologise. "It's okay, really. It's better for me to know what you guys are thinking, anyway."
He didn't say anything for a while, and I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but then he spoke.
"I guess, but still, I feel like an idiot for putting my foot in it. But anyway, what happened after we left yesterday?"
"Alice went home." I didn't say anything more, not knowing what else he expected to happen.
"What about you?" he went on.
I frowned. "What about me? I'm fine."
He was silent again. "So you're saying when Alice left, you were completely fine? Did you talk to her?"
I didn't respond to him because I didn't want to lie. He knew I wasn't fine, I could hear it in the way he spoke, and I knew he knew I hadn't talked to Alice, either. The only thing was I didn't want to go into what happened to me yesterday. I wasn't going to tell Alice, either...if we actually talked to each other soon, that is.
"I didn't talk to her. Once you left, she said goodbye and went home," I told him slowly. "Things got on top of me for a little while. But like I said, I'm fine now."
"Oh." There was a pause, and I knew he wanted to question me on it. He sounded worried; I could hear it in that one word. But he changed the subject instead, which I was grateful for. "What about today? Have you talked to her?"
"No, Bella told me to leave it a couple of days," I answered, using what Bella had told me as an excuse. It was either that, or admitting I didn't know what I wanted to say to her.
"I think you should go talk to her today," he said seriously, and it made me question why he thought I should talk to her.
I scoffed. "What exactly do you propose I say to her? I'm sorry? What have I got to be sorry for? I didn't actually do anything. Should I be sorry that when she woke up, I made her think I was Robbie? Maybe I should go apologise to her for arguing with Henry? For fuck sake, what did I even do to make her block me like that?"
It all came pouring out with my anger as I begin to really think about it. I wasn't to blame here. I didn't actually do anything. Sure, I'd been thinking about what Henry said, and yes, I could have controlled my anger better, but what did I do to her? Why did I deserve her not even looking at me – leaving without even talking to me properly?
"Jas, just calm down for a minute," Edward said calmly. "She was hurting, that's all. You're right, it wasn't your fault. But imagine if it was the other way around. Imagine that you'd woken up, and for those few seconds, everything was okay because Maria was right next to you again. Then imagine when you fully woke up, you realised that it wasn't true at all, and in your brief moment of happiness, you'd managed to really hurt someone's feelings. Would you have wanted to talk to Alice, if she had been in your position? Or would you have wanted to just got out of there and be on your own?"
Speechless. I was fucking speechless.
Edward had a knack for doing that, for being calm and collected as he put someone in their place. It would have been something to admire about him if I hadn't been on the receiving end of it.
"If it were me, I'd want to get out of there as soon as I could," he continued, saving me from having to answer him. "I'm sure that the next day, I'd be wondering how to approach you. That's why I think you should go talk to her."
"I don't know what to say to her," I finally admitted, knowing he was waiting for me to respond this time.
He sighed. "Just tell her whatever comes to mind in that moment. I know that doesn't sound helpful right now, but trust me, when you're there and you see her, I'm sure you'll know what to say to her. Even if it is an apology, you say it."
Before he'd left, I told him I trusted him, and so I had to trust him with this. If he said it would come to me, then it would, no matter how dubious I thought it was. I had to go with him.
"Okay," I muttered, running my hands over my face as I did so. "I'll go talk to her later."
"Good. Let me know how it goes, alright?"
I nearly cracked a smile. "Yes, Edward, I will let you know how it goes."
We talked for a little while longer, mostly about his new room and what the people in his block were like. But after a while, he told me he had to go, and soon enough, I was heading back inside, knowing I had to go talk to Alice.
"Is everything okay?" Mom asked, coming out into the hallway to check on me. She looked worried, and I nodded quickly to reassure her.
"Henry told me he was sorry for what he said," I informed her. "I've forgiven him, I guess. There's no point in holding a grudge against him for it. Then Edward…well, he thinks I should talk to Alice."
"What do you think you should do?"
My brow furrowed as I really thought about it. I knew that I could take the easy way out and sit at home, waiting for her to make the first move. That wasn't the right thing to do, I knew that, but it was certainly an appealing option.
But I also knew that I had to be the one to talk to her first. She might have hurt me by saying Robbie's name whilst sleeping next to me, but what she'd heard me say to Henry afterwards had hurt her more, I was sure of it. If she hadn't heard us arguing, I would never have told her what happened when she woke up. She wouldn't have known, and in result of that, she wouldn't have walked away from me the way she had.
That was why I knew I had to make the first move.
"I have to go talk to her," I finally replied, pulling out of my thoughts. "I think I'm going to head there now. I can't keep putting this off any longer."
So after she told me to look after myself – after what happened yesterday – I slowly started making my way to Alice's house. I tried to think of what I was going to say to her when she opened the door, but all I could come up with was: we need to talk.
When she opened the door, she looked surprised, and I could instantly see the tired look in her eyes. She looked exhausted, and the bags under her eyes indicated that she'd slept the same amount of hours I had. It was completely silent between us, and to break the silence, I told her, "We need to talk."
It was awkward as I followed her into the main room and sat down on the couch next to her, not missing the gap that was still between us. The house was relatively quiet, so I knew we were the only ones there, which I was glad about. I didn't want to do this with the chance of someone overhearing us.
When I finally looked at her, I was surprised to see that Edward was right. Words did come to me, and yes, it was a fucking apology. But I had to say it, what else was there to say otherwise?
"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing I had to elaborate on what exactly I was apologising for.
I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that you had to see me shouting at Henry, the last thing I wanted was to upset you. I'm sorry that I didn't wake you up properly myself…I'm sorry you said his nam-"
Alice's gaze flickered to me sharply. "What?"
Her interruption took me by surprise. It was the first time she'd spoken to me since I'd arrived, and the tone of her voice, it was…abrupt. I didn't like it one bit.
"I said I was sorry you said his name," I told her slowly, staring at her in confusion when I saw a flash of something fiery flit across her expression.
"Why are you sorry I said his name?" she asked, staring right at me now.
I swallowed heavily, not knowing what was going on. I didn't like the way she was looking at me, nor did I like the tone of voice she used to speak to me. It made me feel uncomfortable, like I'd done something wrong. But what it was I'd done, I didn't know.
She continued when I didn't give her an answer. "Do you think I'm sorry that I said his name?"
The heat drained from my face as her words sunk in. She wasn't sorry that she'd said his name, and a part of me hadn't expected her to be. But for her to say it so bluntly…it made it seem as if she didn't care that she'd hurt my feelings at all, and that realisation made me feel hurt, but more than that, it made me feel a little irritated. I was apologising, when I didn't even have to, and this was her only response.
"Obviously you're not sorry," I said, trying to keep my voice from wavering as I spoke. "But maybe you could be a little more considerate about it."
"What do you mean considerate?" she retorted, almost snapping the words at me as she said them. "What do I need to be considerate about?"
The muscle around my eye twitched. "Are you trying to tell me you can't remember what I said to Henry yesterday?"
This seemed to make her angrier still. "Of course I remember! Do you really think I would forget it?"
"Well, you're obviously forgetting something," I hissed, feeling resentment building up within me quickly. "If you knew I was referring to, you would have been the one apologising, not me."
"What exactly is it I'm supposed to be apologising for, then?" she demanded, her brow pulled together in a harsh manner.
I nearly let out a laugh, but I held the callousness back. "For mistaking me for Robbie, you shouldn't have even been thinking about him!"
One look at her expression and I covered my face with my hands. "God, you're infuriating me!"
She stood up abruptly, her nostrils flaring as she breathed in and out. "You're angry that I still think about him?"
"You're twisting my words," I said through gritted teeth. "I'm angry that you said his name, not that you're still thinking about him."
"Do you expect me to not say his name anymore, is that it?" she cried, her mouth opening in utmost disbelief and revulsion.
"Stop it!" I growled. "That's not what I'm trying to say. Think about the fucking situation, Alice, I'm angry because of when you said it!"
She continued to stare at me as if I was insulting her very existence, and in that moment, I wanted to grab her and shake some fucking sense into her. But instead I jumped up from my seat, turning away from her.
I ran my hands over my face quickly once again, speaking over my shoulder. "You just don't fucking understand this, do you?"
"No, you're right, I don't understand this!" Her voice was shrill; I grimaced at the sound of it. "I asked you if you were scared about things changing, but I didn't know you were already thinking about it!"
I whipped around to face her once again. "Is it really such a bad thing to be thinking about it?"
"No, but there's a difference between thinking and doing something about those thoughts," she replied, her eyes narrowing into a glare as each word passed through her lips.
A sneer formed on my face, knowing my next response was going to be bitter. "You really think I was going to do something about it? Did you think I was going to try something with you, Alice? Did you?"
I could tell my words had stung when she didn't reply. She didn't do a very good job of hiding the reaction on her face, and for a moment, she just stared at me. I could see in her eyes, she was trying to find something to say that would hit me like mine had hit her.
"Henry wasn't the only one who thought that, you know?" I continued, wondering if she'd been blind enough to not notice all of our friends thought the exact same thing. "Bella does, Edward, Rosalie and probably Emmett, too. Did you ever think about that, huh?"
She looked shocked, and for the briefest of seconds, the anger in her expression was replaced with astonishment. But the dislike was back a moment later as she said, "That doesn't mean anything because none of them know about Maria!"
The silence that passed between us was palpable, and the second my eyebrow rose, she knew that what she said was wrong. Her expression dropped completely and she looked away from my harsh gaze.
"You're wrong," I stated in an impartial voice. "Edward knows, but I don't really see why it matters if they know about Maria."
She still didn't meet my stare, and for some reason, I got the feeling that she didn't like that I'd told someone else. Why she didn't like it, I didn't know, and probably wouldn't ever know, but it angered me even more.
"I don't even want to go through this with you right now," I said, disgusted at the way she was acting towards me. I headed for the door, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. So much for Edward telling me to go talk to her, how was I going to tell him all it managed to do was make things worse?
"You say her name as well."
I stopped moving at the sound of her now quiet voice, and looked back over my shoulder. "What?"
"The other week, you said her name in your sleep," she replied, her voice matching the stony expression she was wearing.
"That's different," I retorted quickly. How could she even bring that up and think it was the same thing? It was completely fucking different.
"How is it different?" She waved her hands as she spoke. "You said Maria's name, I heard it. I said Robbie's name, you heard it. It's exactly the same thing!"
My eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets as I realised she really was that fucking clueless. I couldn't understand how she was so consistently ignoring that she'd really hurt me yesterday.
"It's different because I didn't call you Maria, did I?" I clenched my shaking hands by my side. "I didn't reach for you and say her name, thinking you were her, did I, Alice? That's what you did to me; that's the fucking difference right there!"
I watched her jaw tense, and her chest begin to heave a little quicker. "Well, I'm so sorry that it's such an insult that I thought you were Robbie!"
Hearing it, hearing the fake apology, it made something snap deep inside. She didn't realise, she didn't understand, and when I opened my mouth to respond, I didn't even think about what I wanted to say.
"It is a fucking insult that you thought I was him," I snarled, feeling the ruthless, bitter Jasper, which was buried deep down, rise up my throat like fire.
She hadn't been expecting me to say it; I could tell from the shocked, upset, hurt, expression on her face.
"I was asleep, Jasper," she whispered, tears now seeping from the corners of her eyes. "I couldn't help it."
The quiet voice, the tears, none of it mattered to me now; it did nothing to lessen the fury that was storming through my chest.
"Yes, but you were asleep with me!" I cried, slamming my hand against my chest to emphasise the point I was making. "That's the whole fucking point! Robbie is dead, Alice, he's gone, and we're completely fucking different!"
She choked on her tears as they began to fall faster, thicker.
I was hurting her, and I barely even registered it.
"I'm not your Mr Perfect."
Her brow pulled together as she used the back of her hand to wipe at her wet cheek. "Mr Perfect?"
The quick laugh I barked out made her flinch. "Don't act like you didn't put him on a pedestal. He was the perfect boyfriend, with his perfect little family and perfect girlfriend. His life was all sunshine and happiness and he was just so fucking amazing. Well, news flash for you, Alice, he wasn't!"
"Stop it!" she screamed, and straight away I knew something had snapped inside her, too. "You don't know anything about him! You weren't here!"
"I saw enough to know he was a jerk!" I spat the words at her as my hatred for Robbie reared its head once again. "Don't for a minute say you can't remember the way he acted towards me."
She let out a strangled cry of rage. "That's because he knew you'd do this!"
"What?" I cried incredulously, waving my hand between us. "What the fuck is this, Alice?"
In the seconds after I finished, she didn't say anything. I didn't let her; I didn't give her the chance to tell me.
"Did he know that I would be there for you during the worst months of your life? Did he know that I would care for you, and do absolutely fucking anything to make you happy again? Or did he know that would we be here screaming at each other, letting him come between us yet again, even when he's buried six feet under?"
Both our chests were heaving now, hers from the emotions coursing through her, and mine from the sudden outburst between us. Somewhere in the hallway there was a noise, the front door closing. I ignored it, as I did everything else.
"He knew you would fall for me," she whispered, uncertain, now, and for a full minute, I was unable to do anything. She'd called me out on it, and I hadn't expected that response at all. Some of the hatred I'd been harbouring in the past few minutes simmered down, but the bitterness, that was still there.
To my right, someone spoke. "What is going on here?" It was Jackie; neither of us looked at her, let alone answered.
"I didn't."
The words were slow, direct, and as callous as a bullet cutting through flesh. Her expression crumbled, and she started to cry again. I could feel it once more, I'd hurt her, and this time, I couldn't bear to see at the look in her eye.
I didn't love her, I couldn't love her. There wasn't enough of me left to love anyone else. But, how could I tell her that? That she wasn't enough to mend my shattered heart? It wasn't like she wanted me to love her, anyway. She didn't want this any more than I did.
I turned away, brushed passed a confused and silent Jackie. I went for the front door, needing to get out the house before I screamed. My whole body was alive with the pent up animosity I'd yet to release, and because of that, I knew I had to leave.
But before I could even pull the latch on the door, someone came up behind me, and I stopped, revolving around to face them. I shouldn't have been surprised to see Alice standing there, with a look of hatred burning in her eyes.
"You call Robbie a jerk, so what the fuck are you right now, Jasper?" she sneered, sounding almost as insensitive as I did.
I stared at her for a long, unwavering moment. "Welcome to what that son of bitch really saw when he told me to stay away from you."
I wasn't expecting what happened next.
A/N: *hides* don't hate me for this. I know some of you said you didn't want a big argument, but you know it had to happen at some point. Were they really going to go through their whole friendship without ever clashing? In every friendship, there is always some kind of argument or dispute, and granted, it wouldn't necessarily be as bad as the one they had, but still. This was a long time coming, and it was always going to be about Robbie.
I'm genuinely scared of your reaction to their behaviour right now (Alice's, in particular). Alice was acting a little…unreasonable. Immature? I've heard that, too. I'd like to hear what you think, though.
Aim: 753.
