Conversations
*If you haven't read chapter 52, for Cloak, this won't make nearly as much sense.* For those of you who read it before about 10 AM today, a note on the Cloak chapter: it didn't occur to me until I got a comment on it that the scene could be read as Gibbs hitting Ziva. I didn't mean for it to look like that, and I fixed the sentence to clarify. That'll teach me to write things past my bedtime. Here's something of a conclusion, though it's too soon to conclude all of it.
He stood outside her door for a few long minutes, fighting the urge to turn around and walk away, to avoid the agony of this conversation, of old wounds and new ones. They didn't have to talk about it. They could sacrifice their friendship to this fight. It seemed so much easier.
Gibbs raised his hand and knocked, committing to the act. No going back now.
Ziva met his eyes warily as she opened the door. Hers were red from crying, and any residual anger faded from Gibbs' heart.
"Ziva, I wanted to talk to you," he said calmly. He reached out a hand toward her, but she stepped back.
She shook her head once. "This is the wrong moment to ask my forgiveness." There was a flash of anger in her eyes behind the tears.
"For the other night, not for Michelle," he clarified gently. "Though I do regret what happened today. "
Ziva's eyes darted to the bedroom door, where he assumed Amanda was sleeping. Ziva had asked to take her home until the sleeping pills wore off, so the girl wouldn't be alone in a hospital when she found out about her sister. She looked back to Gibbs. He did look deeply sorry for Michelle's death.
She opened the door wider and stepped back, but said stiffly, "I am not sure I am the one to comfort you, Gibbs."
He nodded, accepting her statement. "Ziva, it won't be easy for me to tell Amanda what happened, but I had no choice about the mission today."
She glanced at him, surprised and wary, as she led him further in. "You still think you did the right thing."
He pursed his lips, unsure whether she'd rise to fight him if he defended his actions again. "At least things worked out in terms of national security," he offered. "Domino is safe, both our countries are safer."
Ziva nodded agitatedly, dismissing what he'd said, then took a deep breath. "Gibbs, I should not have said that about Shannon, but please do not try to reason with me right now. I am not in a reasonable mood." She looked at him with a hint of pleading in her eyes, and he saw how vulnerable she could still be, even after all she'd lost.
"You were close to her?" Gibbs asked gently, with a hint of surprise.
Ziva sank down on the couch. "Those months without you...we were all a little lost. Tony went a little overboard sometimes trying to be a good leader, and Michelle and McGee and I...we helped him." She smiled quickly. "We were a team. Michelle was quiet, but she'd laugh along when we pulled pranks. She was an excellent Scrabble player. She would light up whenever Palmer came in the room." Tears flooded her eyes, but she blinked them away.
"Ziva, I'm sorry," Gibbs said, aching. He broke his rule without noticing it; this apology was necessary. He sat down beside her.
She kept her eyes closed against the tears. "Did you have to kill her?" She sounded pitiful, and her wince told him she knew it but couldn't stop herself.
"She told me to."
"But--"
"Yes," he said firmly. "I'm sorry."
Ziva quickly wiped at her eyes with her sleeve, then looked toward the bedroom door. "I know how Amanda will feel tomorrow."
"You lost a sister, too."
"And a brother." Her tone wasn't harsh, but stung Gibbs a little anyway.
"I shouldn't have mentioned him."
She shrugged, turning back to him. "You were hardly wrong. I am not very trusting. But I remember always trusted Tali, when we were children." She took a breath and blew it out, quieting her emotions. Her hands twisted in her lap. "I got a call from my mother. That was how I found out. I was alone. I sat in my apartment and cried for hours before my father came and told me to pull myself together." A tear skittered down her cheek and Ziva ignored it.
"What should I tell her?" He asked softly.
Ziva looked at him, then shrugged. "That her sister loved her. Protected her. The rest of it doesn't matter as much."
Gibbs nodded, then tentatively set a hand on her shoulder. Ziva tilted forward into his arms and he rocked her gently, letting her rest against him. He couldn't tell if she was crying. As he pressed his cheek into her hair, he wondered if he really had gone too far in making her feel distrusted. Now wasn't the time to mention it, but she still had secrets from him. He just wasn't sure if his actions had convinced her she should tell him sooner or never. But at least she'd still let him offer this comfort.
Ziva sniffled as she pulled away, rubbing at her cheeks.
"I'll let you get some rest," Gibbs offered softly, and stood.
She followed him to the door, too overcome to speak. She nodded a goodnight in response to his.
As he walked away down the hall, Gibbs felt worse than before. It was always easier to live with killing someone until you saw them mourned. And yet he also felt cleaner, his cruel words forgiven. Because losing Shannon had changed him, had made him want to control things when he could. And he had control over this: if tomorrow he was shot instead of grazed, Ziva wouldn't remember him as hurtful. It was something.
