Chapter 53: Connection


"What can I do to make your day better?" - Kaidan Alenko

In which Kaidan forces John to bond with his daughter.


A/N, *TRIGGER WARNING*: Depictions of PTSD.


"What can I do to make your day better?"

It was the first thing Kaidan spoke after they had settled down by the kitchen table to eat, taking Shepard by surprise as he stopped mid-chew and peeked up from his plate. Kaidan looked nervous. Fidgety. Lightly biting into his lower lip while showing those puppy-eyes of his.

"What?" Shepard asked.

"What can I do... to make your day better?" he repeated, looking at him intently. "Tell me what and I'll do it."

Shepard fixated him with an unwavering glare, but he didn't budge, making him realize that he was being entirely serious. He had no idea where he was going with this. Better just play along. He sighed, propping the last piece of chicken into his mouth, launching his fork back to the plate.

Throwing up his arms, Shepard said, "I don't know. Clean the dishes?"

Without a second thought, Kaidan pulled up from his seat, grabbing his empty plate to place it atop of his own and heading for the kitchen. Shepard parted his arms, a small sound of protest escaping his mouth, bewildered looking at him. He hadn't expected him to listen.

No complaints. No hesitation. Nada.

Is this a test?

Shepard blinked. "Kaidan, I was joking. What are you trying to -?"

He froze when tiny footstep padded into the living room. Shepard swallowed hard and hesitantly redirected his gaze to see his daughter, dull blue eyes as she rubbed one with her shirt sleeve, yawning lazily. Normal kids would be carrying a teddy bear or something, but no, what hung dangling from her other hand was the SR-1 model ship. Stubbing into the floor. Her height was just two times the size of it.

She was just so... small.

"Hey, Ash," came Kaidan's voice, breaking him from his trance.

The softness in his tone had Shepard melting.

Along with it, the same pang of guilt struck him, hearing that name. Ash. Good god he missed her.

Ashley Williams was a headstrong woman. Quirky. Playful. Beautiful. One hell of a shot with her chin raised high and a soldier to the core. Determined to clear her family's name, to serve the galaxy, to do the right thing. Quick tempered when her ideals were threatened but just as quick to apologize for it. She kept his boots on the ground when he got out of line. Shepard had hoped he wouldn't feel remorse every time he heard her name. That would make things even more difficult.

She'd tell him to suck it up and stop being such a downer, was she there.

When he got back to the Normandy after his case of amnesia, he had found himself standing by the memorial wall, looking at the names and remembering each and every face of the soldiers that had served under his command. Those who died under his command. It hurt knowing that Ash was the first.

He had hesitated when his gaze fell to the recently painted name.

ADM DAVID ANDERSON

The crew had figured that he wanted to put it up himself, and he did, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He simply wasn't ready yet. Anderson had been the closest thing he ever had to a father. A family. He had grown up believing that family did nothing but bring you down and place another easily claimed piece on the chessboard. Another distraction. Another weakness.

Thing is, a family was something he had always wanted, and now he had one.

The girl that shared his Gunnery Chief's name smiled faintly before she launched herself into Kaidan's arms when he sat, receiving a chuckle in return, wrapping his arms protectively around her. Just seeing them together like that had Shepard's heart go thermally hazardous. Flutter and warm. It was obvious to him that Kaidan loved her just as much as he would if she was his own biological daughter.

Kaidan took her by the shoulders, pushing her away to face her. "Nice to see you too, kid. Slept well?"

"Mm-hm."

"We just ate, so I'll warm some up for you, okay?"

The whiskey-brown hue of his significant other soon looked up, meeting his eye, and he must've noticed the uncertainty in it. Ashlee's eyes went wide when she saw him, pushing into Kaidan's chest, as if trying to protect herself.

Goddamn it hurt.

He didn't even know her, and yet, her dismissal was like a sword piercing his gullet.

I can't do this, he thought, wanting to flee again. I can't stand her looking at me like that.

She made a small whimper when Kaidan rose, but Kaidan himself was unfazed, approaching the kitchen counter to pull up a cupboard to get her a plate before filling it. He used a fork to create a hole in the middle, a trick used when microwaving leftovers, making sure the whole dish and not just the middle got heated up.

He shoved it in the microwave and turned it on.

"Meanwhile, here's someone you need to meet," Kaidan told her, smiling. He pushed a hesitant girl a few step towards him. Shepard's chest went tight. He had no idea what to do as he still sat there and just stared, not moving a muscle, afraid he'd scare her off again. Eventually, he managed to tear his eyes away from her, uncertainly looking up and into the familiar whiskey-brown hue. Kaidan lined himself up next to her. "Ashlee, you know about your dad. John Shepard. He's great. A hero," he added, looking at him fondly. "Now, he might seem a little brash at times, but I told you why. You remember why, right?"

Slowly, she nodded. "Because he's scared."

It was that simple, but hell, scared wasn't the right word. No, he was terrified, downright terrified.

Sighing, Kaidan said, "John, c'mon. Say something. Anything."

Shepard cleared his throat, straightening his back, clasping his hands together as he had no idea what to do with them.

"Uh... hi." He immediately cringed, shutting his eyes tightly. He must've both looked and sounded like an idiot. A downright clueless man, looking at his own daughter as if she was an entirely new species, and this was First Contact. When he dared opening them again, his heart skipped a beat, seeing the small twitch of her lips as she hid behind Kaidan again. Kaidan was grinning.

Oh, great. Now there's *two* people wallowing in my pain. You guys are all heart.

Explosively exhaling, Shepard said, "Okay, I got it, all right? I'm a failure. That what you want to hear, Alenko?"

"Oh, no. You're doing great," he replied, the amusement noted a long way. "I need to get back in contact with Hackett, so I trust you both to behave when I'm gone, eh?" Despite the use of a plural pronoun, his gaze was focused entirely on him, and Shepard would've pouted in any other circumstances. "I'll be back in a couple days, tops."

Shepard blinked. "Tops? You said it seemed long-lasting."

"It's a two-part mission. First, I'm needed in London for a couple hours," he replied, with a somewhat careful smile. He cleared his throat, averting his eyes as it faltered again. "The long one is to, uh... is to keep a close eye on you in case you remember anything more about what happened, and... to watch out for a change in your behavior."

"Behavior?" he asked, somewhat offended. "So Hackett thinks I'm crazy."

"Not crazy, just..." He stopped himself when he turned back, having noted the agitated almost-scowl on Shepard's face. "Look, I need to get moving." Nevertheless, when he was about to move, Ashlee stood fast while refusing to let go of his hand. Nearly yanking him back. The uncertainty was apparent in her eyes again. Looking on the verge to break out in tears. The pure terror in her expression made Shepard feel like nothing but a damn monster.

"Ashlee, hey. Don't be like that," Kaidan said, voice firmer but still soft as she clung to his leg. He cupped her head while he stood there hunched, until he took her by the waist and launched her up onto his hip. Kaidan handled every interaction with her as if it was child's play.

He had no idea how he did that.

Kaidan's attention was then entirely on him, offering a fond smile, Shepard's anger forgotten as the lines in his forehead retracted. He could do nothing but close his eyes when Kaidan closed the distance between them. Familiar lips came against his, and he pressed up harder, internally begging him to stay with him. Hold tightly onto him so he couldn't walk out that damn door today. Anything for him to just stay.

The panic set in when the lips retracted and Ashlee was suddenly transferred into his arms, much to both his and Ashlee's shock. He could tell judging by the way her eyes went three times their size, and the sharp pain in his shoulder, nails digging into the sensitive skin.

"K -Kaidan, please. No. I'm going to accidentally drop her -" he begged as he pulled away.

Kaidan silenced him with another kiss. "You'll be fine," he said confidently with a wink, pulling away before he could protest. He had yanked his jacket off the coat stand and headed for the door in seconds. "I love you!"

"Kaidan!" he called, but the door flew shut behind him.

Shepard's jaw dropped slightly as he stared at the door for a good long while. The eerie silence left him more than just a little on edge. Ashlee's silence didn't help, either, his shoulder now aching and the girl entirely stiff in his arms. She was holding her breath. His own heart was beating vehemently.

The microwave beeped finished.

Swallowing hard, his gaze fell to Ashlee, looking equally as terrified as him.


The debriefing with Hackett via omni-tool had been short and direct. The Alliance had used some of their best scientists to try piecing together what John had reported about the Catalyst. It didn't make sense to them, either.

Kaidan's primary mission was to touch down in London to see if they'd missed something.

Why Hackett needed Kaidan specifically was the exact same reason why he also needed Garrus. They were both on the ground team during the final push and had a different perspective on everything that happened down there. They were to meet up with Major Coats. Finally looking deeper into it, taking apart every single detail and attempting to put them back together into one context, he hoped they'd get the answers they sought.

He remembered what Liara said, about Harbinger probably wanting to make John its puppet, but it was a long-shot. Plausible, but still a long-shot, and he needed the answers. What Kaidan certainly couldn't understand was how Anderson and the reapers died if none of that ever happened, and hell, why he would dream such vivid things in the first place. There was no beacon present. It was simply Harbinger's beam.

"Well, you look exhausted," Garrus mused.

"My coffee is cold, I lost my first damn skycar to get here and my fiancé is mad at me for whatever reason," Kaidan replied, awaiting their departure in the Normandy mess. "Suddenly the smallest things sets him off."

"Fiancé?" The shock was evident in his raspy voice.

"I -oh, right. We didn't tell you guys," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck with a faint blush. "Shepard, uh... he proposed."

"That's... wow. One hell of a thing."

He chortled. "Heh. Yeah."

"So... when's the wedding?" Garrus asked suggestively, and Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"First off, I need to get rid of this," he murmured, gesturing to the eye patch still attached to his face. "I mean, hell, I'd rather be fully healed before a damage like that is forever pinned in pictures of an important day like that." Kaidan smirked, and teased, "Doesn't go too well with the black and golden dress whites, you know?"

"But, it does... I mean, you said there was black contours as well, and the patch is black -"

"It's a joke, Garrus."

"Oh."

"I just... I want it to be perfect, you know?" He sighed, moving his thumb to scratch the irritated area across his temple. "Sorry. Didn't mean to ramble off like that. Things are still really damn stressful these days."

"Well, I'm not the best to ask for fashion advice, but I'll be more than willing to share a few turian weapon designs that makes the ladies fawn."

"You're one of a kind, Garrus."

"I would suggest going for it," came Miranda's thick Australian accent, rounding the corner and approaching them by the table. "It's a good look for you." She smiled, genuine and open although her tone was teasing. "It's roguish... Rather sexy, I'd say."

She didn't need to say more before his cheeks flushed red.

"So, krogan ladies like scars... and human ladies likes eye patches. Interesting," Garrus said, mandibles flaring into a grin himself. "You've got a few scars yourself major, and since Shepard is part krogan, I'd say you're on the right track."

"I hate you both."

...but yeah, it was true, John was part krogan. Mentally. Thankfully, he had just one pair of testicles.

The thought of several was a picture he really didn't want etched into his brain.

"By the way, I might've heard the rumors of an engagement," Miranda quirked, crossing her arms with a smirk, interrupting his thoughts. Without a word, he held up his left hand with the ring on display. "Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Now we'll only need to find out what's going on so you two lovebirds can be reunited," Garrus said, clasping his hands together. "I still have no idea what went on out there."

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah, it's... strange. Shepard's recollection was just so damn vivid. Like it happened. I just can't believe it did."

"It was more than a dream, that's for sure," Miranda helpfully added, putting her hands on her hips. Hackett had contacted her because of her intimate details of John's wounds and implants. Her voice was important in this. She shook her head. "I didn't pay much attention to it then, but when I first got my hands on Shepard after the reapers were defeated, I noticed rapid eye movement. Signs of intense dreaming occurring during REM-sleep. My best bet is that it has something to do with indoctrination. Harbinger probably burned visions into Shepard's brain to trick him."

"Liara said the same thing," Kaidan muttered, although didn't really consider the ramifications until now if that was the case.

Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Wait, you're telling me that Shepard is indoctrinated?"

"Partly... and not anymore," Kaidan quipped back, straightening his posture. "You were with me down there. Harbinger didn't specifically target Shepard, it just... kinda danced around him, you know? As if trying to make it believable."

"As if 'trying to fool us into thinking that he was just another casualty'?" Garrus asked.

"Exactly. I don't know much about how indoctrination works, though."

Miranda had found a spot to stare at. "Now when I think of it, I might have a rather good idea of what's been going on," she muttered, gaining their full attention. "I looked over my father's files on indoctrination. Figured it would be useful to see how they managed it. To indoctrinate someone, especially someone as strong-willed as Commander Shepard, they must weaken their target's resolve. Both physically and mentally. You said Harbinger targeted both you and Garrus while moving towards the beam, is that correct?"

"Yes?" he said, giving her a careful nod urging her to continue.

"Harbinger tried to kill you."

"Sure looked like it."

"...and, had it succeeded, Shepard's resolve would have considerably decreased. Seeing any of his crew die would've left a permanent mark," she finished, and he immediately got her point. Garrus appeared to do the same, making no comment. "Even so, you're both here, and that reduces us to the fact that it must've been something that happened after the two of you were evacuated by the Normandy."

"Harbinger's beam," Garrus muttered.

"Yes. After it hit him, his body was weakened, making him an easier target for indoctrination. It's a long and slow progress for some, quick for others. After what you've told me about Virmire and this... Rana Thanoptis?" Kaidan nodded, and she continued "...Shepard must've been far more strong-willed than her because they were both under the influence of reaper technology for about the same amount of time. She snapped after two years, killing several asari officers before committing suicide, but Shepard persisted."

"What are the signs?" Kaidan asked, just to make sure.

"Oily shadows and ghostly presences, nightmares, complaints of headaches, the feeling of being watched, whispers and voices in the head," she replied. "The reapers can penetrate one's mind, filling them with thoughts that aren't their own, so they could have put something in Shepard's head that urged him forward. Or attempted to break him. The reapers had hoped he was indoctrinated before he reached the Citadel."

How could I not have seen this earlier? he thought, frustrated at himself.

"Shepard had nightmares all the time," he muttered, features mellowed. The lines in Miranda's forehead smoothed out. "I had to calm him down on several occasions. Snap him out of it. He told me that there were oily shadows present in them, that he heard voices of the dead, recalling past events. He mentioned episodes like Virmire and Ash, and -"

Something went up for him.

"Oh my god..." Kaidan muttered, earning him a curious look. "The kid."

"Kid?"

"When we left Vancouver after the reapers invaded, Shepard mentioned seeing a kid, no older than six or seven. That very kid had constantly been reappearing in his nightmares and burned before his very eyes. Shepard compared the kid to himself when he was young, when he was lost and without family, saying he never expected it to affect him as much as it did." After a moment, he added, "I never saw any kid, and I was right there with him."

"Come to think of it," Garrus began "...he mentioned it when I first came aboard after returning from Palaven. He seemed pretty shook about it. Told me he couldn't understand why that kid had to die and that he somehow was alive."

Kaidan felt a headache brewing up. "He was under the process of indoctrination ever since we left Earth," he muttered, propping elbows to his thighs and buried his face in his hands. "Dammit... I -I should've seen this sooner -"

"Don't blame yourself, Kaidan," Garrus said, voice firm. "We were all there. None of us knew."

I still should've known.

He looked up when he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, meeting the compassionate expression on Miranda's face, her look mirroring Garrus' words. There was still two questions remaining. How did the reapers fall and how did Anderson die?

"ETA, five minutes," Joker reported over the comm, and they got ready to touch down.


His feet hit the soil as he stepped out of the airlock, and he was brought back to that day he first saw John at Wellington Hospital, covered in tubes with a beeping heart monitor by his side. He had imagined how it would've felt to search the debris for John's body, calling his name through the rubble, but he hadn't been there when they found him. He could still remember the pure relief he felt when he got the call that John was alive.

London was still rebuilding, and a peculiar spot had his heart get stuck in his throat, the Alliance tape having been removed. This was where they found him.

The area had been thoroughly searched, so they had been directed to the Alliance base there, which kept the belongings in careful stock. This was what the scientists had been studying. What they had found. While Miranda and Garrus were chatting up Major Coats, debriefing him of their discussion in the mess, Kaidan had approached the box that was their only chance at finding out what happened.

The first thing that caught his attention was John's M-11 Suppressor. It packed one hell of a punch, that was for sure, and it was certainly among John's favorite guns. He had used it in the final assault. His features mellowed as another thing went up for him.

Kaidan flipped up his omni-tool.

"Kaidan?" came John's voice on the other end, genuine surprise in his tone. "Everything all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. How are things back there?"

"I don't have a damn clue what I'm doing, K. Could you get your ass back already?" he replied, and Kaidan smiled, shaking his head. "I mean, hell, do I need to take her for a walk or something?"

"John, she's not a dog."

"She's sure as hell acting like one -Ash, put that down! Right now! You're going to hurt yourself!" John fell into a suffocation pause. "I... Ash, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -" he added, his voice almost entirely drained, and Kaidan's smile faltered. His continuation broke his heart. "She's looking at me like that again. K, please, just... just come back."

Kaidan swallowed down the lump in his throat. He sounded so lost. Insecure. Downright defeated. Maybe he'd pushed too hard leaving him alone with her.

"I... okay," he replied, meeting Garrus' curious gaze. "Okay, I'll get back as fast as I can, just... I need to finish up here, but if you can help me out, it'll speed up the process."

"Okay. I'll do my best."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "All right. So, you... you told me that you had a Carnifex equipped during your final moments at the Citadel," he said, back to professional mode as he shoved the past feeling aside. "Thing is, the Alliance found your M-11 Suppressor when recovering you, no Carnifex. John, if there's... anything strange, anything unusual you can remember, let me know."

"That doesn't make any sense, I -" He abruptly cut himself off, and there was silence. "Wait, I did have the *M-11.* Right up until... when I woke up after Harbinger's beam hit me, I... I had a *Carnifex.* I swear to God. Hell, I used it to -"

John fell into a pause. "I used it to shoot Anderson."

"Did anything strange happen after?" he asked, voice soft. He knew this was a sore topic, but it was also an important one.

"I... had the *M-11* in my hand again the moment after the explosion."

Kaidan took a deep breath. "John, you... I know this is a lot to take in, but... Harbinger might've influenced your mind. Projected a scene. The reaper made you see what it wanted you to, but it wasn't careful enough, allowing slip-ups. That gun was always a M-11 Suppressor, but you fought back, and Harbinger's projections dissolved at the very end knowing it couldn't convince you."

"I didn't kill him?" he asked, the hope in his voice clear.

Somewhat carefully, he smiled, "You didn't. It was a, uh... it was a Carnifex bullet. You didn't have one on you."

The relieved sigh on the other end was a reassuring sound.

Silence.

"So who did it?"

"I'm going to find out. I swear," he promised, being one he would be determined to keep. "For now, all you need to know... is that nothing you remember from being hit by the beam is true. It was the reaper's manifestations. Harbinger's will -"

"Kaidan, you should see this," came Garrus' voice, and he turned. "Anderson's omni-tool has an encrypted video message."

"K?"

He snapped out of it. "Sorry. I'm here," he replied, and rubbed the area above his brow. "I'll fill you in when I get back, okay? I promise. Hopefully I'll have some concrete proof -" He cut off hearing a loud noise on the other end, sounding like a crash, feeling the panic set in.

"Ash!" Everything else he heard was a brief cracking sound that scorched its way in his brain.

John had dropped the phone.

"John?" he asked, eyes shifting. Nothing. "John!"

Miranda's eyes shot open. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, but I need to get back." The desperation must've ushered through judging by the expression on Miranda's face. Coats nodded, signaling that it was fine.

"We'll finish up here," Miranda said, and he gave her a nod in thanks before moving.


His heart was beating significantly faster when his transport reached his mom's place, blue and red lights nearly blinding him, two cop cars and an ambulance standing outside. He felt nauseous. Terrified of what he'd might find behind those closed doors.

He thanked the driver, slammed the door shut, his walk turning into a light jog until he reached the door. There was no blood. No signs of struggle. Ashlee was clasping the SR-1 model ship, staring somewhere towards the couch wide-eyed, two officers blocking his view from what she was looking at.

Kaidan just knew that there was something wrong with John. His heart tried to rip through his ribs.

He took a step forward, but an officer blocked his approach, although the new angle gave him nearly a full view. John sat hunched over on the floor, head hung and back to the couch, elbows on his knees. Everyone stood about five feet away from him as if afraid of getting too close. Hell, his hands were cuffed.

"What's going on?"

The officer sighed. "We don't know. Some of our guys tried to get in contact with the girl after Commander Shepard was unresponsive, but we could tell she was scared, so we lay off. With you here, things just got a lot easier -"

"Kaidan!" came a tiny voice, and he turned to see Ashlee running his way.

He barely managed to sit down before she basically crashed into him. He held her, rocking her gently and placed a kiss to her forehead. After a moment, he clasped her shoulders, pushing her away far enough to face her. She looked calmer now. More at ease.

"Hey, kid. What happened?" he asked, attempting his voice to sound soft. "Ash?"

"I... I hit my knee in the table and fell on that green thingy." Ashlee pointed at the button by the vid-screen, and just by that alone, he knew something was off. John despised television. He always complained how there was nothing of interest on it, just 'Blasto' and news vids that made him twitchy, having seen enough conflict in his life.

"Did you get hurt?" Kaidan asked.

She shook her head vigorously. "No. I called the nice uniform men. I was scared."

4 years old and she already knew how to operate a phone.

Kaidan smiled softly. "You did great, Ash. Exactly what you were supposed to. Thank you," he said. A somewhat careful smile appeared on her lips, but it shortly faltered, looking back at John who hadn't moved. "I'll take it from here, okay?" She nodded, turning to walk back, stopping up a few meters away from John. He rose up to continue his discussion with the officer. "What do we know?"

"After the kid called the department, we sent an extraction team, hearing gunshots from within the house. Turns out the vid-screen was on. Some action flick or something. As far as we can tell, the commander had a panic attack. Had to restrain him. He won't talk."

His eyes shot open. "Panic attack?"

"He didn't tell you?" the officer asked quizzical, blinking obviously. "He has PTSD."

What?

The officer nodded solemnly, face stoic. "I see," he said, Kaidan's silence being answer enough. "He had been seeing a shrink for some time, but refused to join any further meetings, so he's basically trying to fix himself. Shepard thought we were hired assassins or something. He's unstable right now, but you're the best shot at getting through to him. Just be careful. We don't know how he'll act."

"I... thank you, officer," he replied, accepting the cuff keys handed to him.

The man stepped aside, and Kaidan pushed forward, making sure his movements were slow when reaching him.

He swallowed hard. "John?" he tried carefully, on instinct taking a step back when John reached for a gun that wasn't there. Kaidan held up his hands, palms forward, letting him know that he wasn't armed. "Hey, hey... easy."

Thankfully, John had immediately recognized him, although now Kaidan saw the small cut on his cheek that was proof of resistance.

"Kaidan?" he asked, expression quizzical, and cringed. "Judging by the fact they're not keeping you at gunpoint... I take it these guys are legit?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, they're legit," he replied, unhooking the cuffs. "100 percent."

"Christ. I was about to start shooting this place up. Glad no unnecessary casualties were had," he murmured, rubbing his wrist before brushing off some lint from his shoulder. John looked back at him. First there was nothing, then realization, and then regret. The lines in his forehead had retracted. He had seen the look of utter concern that must've ushered through in Kaidan's features.

With a sigh, John averted his eyes. "Hell, I'm sorry. Guess I should've told you 'bout... all this," he said, waving his hand.

"It -it's okay. Really," he muttered, halfway lying to himself. "My God, though. You scared the crap out of me. Don't ever do that again." Kaidan pulled up from the floor, reaching out a hand to help him onto his feet. He hesitated briefly, eyes falling to his hand, before accepting his offer. After a few awkward looks from the cops and medics, Kaidan nodded in thanks, letting them know that he got this handled from here on out.

John cleared his throat as he stood. "Sorry, folks. How's, uh... how's boy toy over there?"

Casting his gaze aside, Kaidan noticed an officer appearing to have just woken up from an unconscious state, and he blinked. Definitely John's work. He'd put up a fight and that was why there were armed soldiers still there.

"No worries, Commander. Stay safe. Guy deserved some sense knocked into him," the officer teased, earning an unimpressed look from the guy John had bought to the ground. With that, they went back to their duties.


They were once again alone, Kaidan having lead them to the door while John had placed himself in the couch, hands clasped together as his head hung. Kaidan approached him, sliding into the couch by his side, applying medi-gel to the cut.

"When Ashlee fell, I just... hell, every single fall is a death to me," John muttered, rubbing his eyes. "Then the vid-screen flashed on, and... I was back on that damn field. Fighting for my life. Gunshots and lasers all around me -" John's body went rigid, looking up from his hand to see Ashlee jerk back an inch. Fear on her face. She had come far closer than even he'd realized. The fear shortly fell away.

Carefully, she put her hand back on his knee, and he watched John just staring at her wide-eyed.

Ashlee abruptly pushed forward, pressing her cheek to John's abdomen, clutching his shirt. His hands were hovering to his sides. Obviously having no clue what just happened. Kaidan couldn't prevent the small smile from breaking out on his lips, seeing those stoic features gradually mellow, shoulders sagging. Eventually, John slowly wrapped his arms around his daughter, returning her embrace. Pulling her closer, he cupped her other cheek, and she melted into his arms. Her eyes closed as he held her.

He was accepted.

"My first instinct was to get her someplace safe, but I just froze, collapsed," John continued, somewhat hesitantly pushing Ashlee away. "I didn't tell you 'bout this PTSD bullshit 'cause I refused to let you see me like that. Helpless and scared. Nowhere near the image I've built." He watched him clench his jaw. "They taught me how to put that uniform on... I just can't get it off."

"Daddy," Ashlee said, taking him off-guard. "Why were you acting so strange?"

"After you've enlisted in the Alliance and agglutinate with situations related to war, you incorporate and get so used to it that trivial -"

"John," Kaidan interrupted, amused. "She's 4."

"Oh. Right." John cleared his throat, noticing the puzzled look on Ashlee's face. "You get so used to fighting that, uh... normal... situations and things reminds you of the time when you were risking your life to help people in the war. You stop feeling safe. I simply felt like I was in that movie myself and fought for my life. War isn't a nice memory."

"What movie was it, exactly?" Kaidan asked.

"It was just 'Blasto: Blasto Goes to War'," Ashlee replied, smiling.

John grunted.

"You're not helpless," Kaidan said, putting a hand on his thigh and giving it a gentle squeeze. He wanted to make that perfectly clear. "John, it's okay to be scared. It's okay to ask for help. PTSD is a serious thing, and I want to help you. You need to let me. When someone important to you is up on a ledge, you help them. This -this fight? You're not meant to face it alone. You're the strongest man I know, and I love you."

Kaidan smiled, genuine and fond. "We'll figure it out, just like we always do -"

He startled when his omni-tool beeped. It was a message from Miranda. He had nearly forgotten about that mentioned audio file that Garrus informed him about before everything happened.

"This might not be the best time, but... before I got here, they found a recorded message in London," he added, gaze fixated at the display. "It... it's from Anderson. Dedicated to you." Kaidan looked up, seeing the brief hurt that washed over John's face. Softly, he asked, "Do you want to do this now, or should we wait until...?"

"No. No, I... I need to know."

Kaidan nodded his understanding. "Okay," he muttered, and cleared his throat. "The... the recording was put under a voiced encryption code. When bringing the interface up on a terminal, everything it said was, 'The first lesson I ever taught you'." With a deep inhale, John closed his eyes, and Kaidan knew he had the code memorized by heart.

"Bring it up on screen," he said. Kaidan did as asked. John clenched his jaw, and then, he spoke the code: "'We don't get to choose how we start in this life. Real greatness... is what you do with the life you're dealt'."

The vid-screen lit up. John swallowed hard. He pressed 'play.'

The man himself came to view, grief back on John's stoic face, eyes glistening. Kaidan himself felt his abdomen churn. Anderson's smile was fond, but he was beaten, dull brown eyes full of warmth. His expression showed nothing but affection.

Ashlee stared at the screen. "Grandpa Anderson?"

"Yeah," John said, smiling softly. "Yeah... Grandpa Anderson. Pops himself. Tough bastard."

Kaidan could hear the emotion in his voice.

"Well, son. If you're seeing this, we made it, and the reapers are thrown back into whatever black hull they crawled out of," he said, voice weary but with light humor. "I managed to record a file for Hackett, in case you didn't make it, but I decided to make a personal one that only you could hear. There's a lot of things to say, but time is off the essence, and I don't know how much time this old soldier's got left.

"First off... after you got Alenko and Vakarian an evac, I lost the sight of you, couldn't see much through all the smoke, explosions and gunfire. I had seen soldiers evaporated before my very eyes. That's something I never wanted to experience again. I could only hope that the same fate hadn't befallen you. I knew I had to push forward and eventually managed to get to the beam that had me transported to what I believe was the upper dome of the Citadel. Hell, it didn't take long before that damn bastard Illusive Man showed up. I managed to take him down. Barely.

"Eventually, I found the control panel and somehow got the Crucible firing, the mechanism being attached to some switch connected to the Citadel, now with a fresh gunshot wound from my own damn *Carnifex.* The Illusive Man had disarmed me with it. I was hit pretty good already on the way up there thanks to some flying debris, and hell, I know I'm not going to make it.

"Second... and to more personal notes... I need you to know that Ace is alive. I needed to make sure you knew that. Hackett will tell you the whole story if you don't know already. I wanted to tell you earlier, but as the Admiral will no doubt debrief you of, I couldn't."

His continuation struck a cord.

"Third... tell Alenko -tell *Kaidan...* that I said, 'thank you.' For taking care of you for me. For staying by your side. For giving you the love and affection that you both do so deserve. I know that you'll make one hell of a dad and so will Kaidan. Let me remind you that you have a daughter out there, although I'm sure you haven't forgotten. I'm just sorry I can't be there to see it. I admit... I was looking forward to becoming a granddad, see Ashlee grow up, but... things aren't as clear cut. We can't have everything. Still. You, Kaidan and Ace are the only sons I ever needed.

"Fourth... I won't be able to pay Hackett back those gambling money.

John nearly chortled, his smile soft, eyes brimmed with unshed tears.

"And fifth... if you can do an old man one last favor... tell Kahlee that I love her and have to break that promise she passed along to you on Grissom." He fell into a pause."I'm proud of you, son. I'm proud of you all. This is Admiral David Edward Anderson... signing off."

The image disappeared.

A silence filled the air before John spoke.

"Anderson saved us," he said, softly. "Christ, he saved us all."

Kaidan smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, he sure did," he said, voice strangled, managing to hold back the tears that sought desperate release.

"Here I thought I was the hero of the story," he muttered, tone teasing. "Hell, I lay there under debris, passed out while hallucinating my grand finalé. That... that's actually kinda sad." Kaidan shook his head at that, letting out a heartfelt chuckle, as this made John all the more gullible.

"It sure is," he said fondly.


A/N: The Alliance Dress Whites I'm talking about in this chapter is the "Alliance Dress Whites mod" by Lonethiella from NexusMods.

Anderson saving everyone while John was buried under debris is my canon. Not very heroic by the infamous commander, but hey, at least he won against indoctrination. I support the IT-theory, but imo it isn't about Shepard being indoctrinated, it's about the player being indoctrinated. If you chose Destroy, you won the game... but if you chose Synthesis/Control, you fell to indoctrination. Again, this is my personal canon, and you're welcome to disagree :)

One more chapter to go, folks! It'll be an Epilogue.