The High Cost of Living
"We look not at what can be seen, but we look at what cannot be seen. For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."
Gabby's sermon barely registered over the sound of crying and Rick shoveling dirt. I kept my eyes locked on the grave, focusing on the sound of the metal tip digging into the fresh soil.
"We look not at what can be seen, but we look at what cannot be seen."
Rick tossed the dirt into the shallow grave, the soil hitting a body hastily wrapped in an old, white sheet. It should be hitting a coffin, but luxuries like that were a thing of the past.
"For what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal."
Sasha stood paralyzed a few feet away from her brother's final resting place. She wasn't crying. She just looked shocked. Her brother's death hadn't sunk in. I couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Everything I knew about Sasha told me once the loss hit her she would unravel, quickly. It wouldn't be good for us, and it most certainly wouldn't be good for her.
"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made from hands, eternal in the heavens."
There was a large part of me that wanted to slap a hand over Gabby's mouth to shut him up. God, heaven, things we couldn't see, it all rang hallow. The words seemed to mock us. It was almost impossible to believe in heaven, in God, in a better place after what we'd lived through. The dead ate the living. The living slaughter each other. That was the world now. God may not have killed Tyreese, but he hadn't saved him either. We were on our own.
My eyes slide to Sasha again, and I swallowed hard. She didn't look like a woman comforted by the fact her brother was in heaven. She looked destroyed. First Bob and now Tyreese.
"In the heavens," Gabby finished, closing the tattered Bible.
Rick took a step back, offering the shovel to Glenn who stepped forward with his shoulders hunched, gathering a small amount of soil on the tip of the shovel before tossing it on the body. He handed the shovel to Maggie without a word who repeated the process. One-by-one we all stepped forward, saying our final goodbye.
Merle offered the shovel to Sasha, but she looked at him in confusion. Daryl took the shovel in Sasha's stead, shoveling a pile of dirt onto the body then walking away. My throat constricted when he passed me, the urge to touch him making my fingers tingle, but I let him go without a word or touch. Things between us were uncomfortable at best and awkward at worst. A funeral was no place to rectify that situation, so like every other time in the last few days, I said nothing. I did nothing.
I moved to Sasha side, watching Rick continue to bury Tyreese. Our leader was deeply shaken by the loss. The man had saved his little girl, a debt he would never be able to repay. The only other person still in attendance was Gabby who stood a few feet away, head bowed in prayer. I didn't know why I stayed. Sasha and I weren't close. I wasn't even sure I'd call us friends, but she was suffering, and I didn't want her to do it alone. No one should suffer alone.
"Do you think it's true?" I looked at her, caught off-guard by her question. "That he's in a better place?"
Truthfully, I had no idea. Before the world ended I'd never given much thought to life and death. Dead was dead, living was living, but the world was different now. I was different. I wanted to believe in a better place, a place where we all found happiness, peace, even if it was only in death.
"I hope so," I answered honestly.
"Me too." Rick continued to shovel dirt with determination born from a man riddled with guilt that wasn't his to bear. "I was supposed to protect him."
As absurd as that statement sounded it was the truth. Tyreese may have been a mountain of a man, but his sister was the fighter. He struggled constantly with his morality, trying to find a way to survive in a world that forced you to bloodshed.
"Sometimes there's nothing you can do."
Just like I couldn't protect my child she couldn't protect her brother. It was a reality we knew all too well, but constantly tried to circumvent.
She shuddered, "I know." I heard her sniffle, and she swiped an angry hand across her face. "He made me promise once that if…that if…" Her voice hitched and I reached out to grab her hand. "He wanted a Christian burial."
"You gave him that." Her hand shook in mine, and I could tell she was holding something back. "What?"
"It's stupid."
"Tell me."
"He wanted someone to sing Hallelujah." Come again? "It was his favorite song. He made me swear I'd play it his funeral."
"Uh…" I trailed off, unsure how to proceed.
She yanked her hand out of mine, taking a step back. "I never should have agreed to it. He's gone. What he wanted doesn't matter anymore!"
Before I could stop her she turned, striding purposefully away. My heart broke for her, for what she'd lost. I knew what it felt like to burying a sibling. I also knew what it was like to feel that you're failure to protect them led them to their early grave. She was wrong about one thing. What he wanted did matter.
Rick continued to shovel dirt with Gabby standing dutifully nearby. My palms started sweating as I shifted my weight from foot-to-foot. I couldn't believe I was going to do this. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and told myself if I could do it for Nugget I could do it for Tyreese. My grandmother would call it fate he requested that song. It was my grandfather's favorite. We'd played it at his funeral, albeit a slightly different version.
When I was young the two of would sit on our porch swing every night. He would rock us slowly back-and-forth, strumming on an old guitar while I sang. It was our time together, our escape. It was the only time I remember singing and not being self-conscious. I heard his soft guitar strokes in my mind as clear as I heard the birds chirping in the woods. I hummed the tune I'd memorized, closing my eyes and saying goodbye to a man I'd hardly known, but respected.
"I heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music do ya?"
I pretended like I was back on my porch with my grandfather, the sun setting in distance, the two of us finding solace in the words of a song. I ignored Rick when his shovel stopped halfway to the pile of fresh dirt beside him. I didn't acknowledge Gabby when he took a small step forward like my singing was drawing him closer.
"It goes like this fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah."
I heard footsteps behind me, but didn't turn around. I opened my eyes and focused on the grave, trying to fulfill a man's last wish. I saw Sasha out of the corner of my eye, could feel her looking at me, but my eyes never strayed from Tyreese. I took a deep breath, hearing the familiar cords in my head.
"Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelu-uh-uh-jah."
Sasha slipped her much smaller hand into mine, and my lips trembled. She squeezed my hand, a silent thank you, and it gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going. I didn't know the words to the original song, only the ones my grandfather and I sang when I was a child. I hoped the remix would meet with approval.
"I did my best. It wasn't much. I couldn't feel so I tried to touch. I told the truth, I didn't, come to fool you."
Suddenly everyone was standing around the grave. Some had their heads bowed in respect. Some held each other with tears streaming down their face. Others stood alone, mourning another friend we lost too soon.
"And even though it all went wrong I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue, but hallelujah."
Daryl stood in the back, crossbow loaded in case my singing drew any unwanted attention, but he looked at me, really looked at me, for the first time since I told him I lost our child. Even from this distance I could see the tears pooling in his blue eyes. I didn't know if the tears were for Tyreese, our baby, my still healing body, or maybe a combination. I swallowed hard, keeping my eyes locked on him. I wasn't singing for just Tyreese now. I was singing for us all, for everyone we lost, for everyone still living.
"Hallelujah. Hallelu-jah-aaa. Hallelu-lujah. Hallelu-uuu-Hallelujah. Hallelujah-aaa-aaa. Hallelu-lujah-ah. Hallelu-uuu-jah-aaa-aaa-aaa—oh, oh, oh. Hallelu-Hallelu-uuu-jah."
It was silent when I finished, and it made me anxious. I had no idea how to navigate the awkwarkness, but it turned out I didn't have to. Sasha pulled in into a fierce hug, whispering thank you over-and-over, her tears wetting my shirt. She was so small I was forced to crouch over to accommodate the embrace.
"You're welcome," I whispered.
We made our way back to the road where we stashed our last vehicle. We were somewhere in Virginia. It'd been roughly two weeks since we left the hospital in search of sanctuary. We had limited choices after we discovered Noah's community was a bust. Limited choices being we either continued forward or turned back. We may not know what lay ahead of us, but we damn sure knew what lay behind us so we continued to Washington D.C.
"Need food," Daryl mumbled, biting his fingernail.
"And water," Maggie chimed in.
Rick put his hands on his hips as he eyed the woods on either side of the road. We had no food left, and our water supply would be gone by the end of the day.
"I don't want everyone out wondering the woods," he began, "Daryl, Alex and Merle you'll each lead a small group while the rest of us stay here. You need to be quick so travel light. I want everyone back in a few hours. We need to keep moving."
My team consisted of Glenn and Carl. Merle was taking out Noah and Carol while Daryl had Maggie and Sasha. I tied a few empty water bottles onto my pack before slipping it on my shoulders. Glenn was by Maggie, the two talking quietly, and Carl was getting last minute instructions from his dad. This was my first time out since the hospital so it said a lot Rick picked me to lead a team. It said even more he placed his son with me. I made my way over to the Dixon brothers who were ready and waiting.
Daryl eyed me up and down as I approached, but said nothing. Still, the taunt lines of his shoulder and the way he ground his teeth together told me all I needed to know. He didn't want me going.
"I'm takin' the east," Merle informed me. He either didn't feel the tension lingering in the air or chose to ignore it. "You go west. That leaves Darlina with north. Already know there ain't shit back the way we came."
I nodded, eyes shifting to my husband, but he kept his gaze firmly locked on the ground. I couldn't tell if he was pissed, worried, or just pre-menstrual. He'd been distant ever since I told him about the baby. Physically there was never much distance between us, but we hardly spoke, and unless it was absolutely necessary he didn't touch me. I couldn't call him out on it, not without feeling like the biggest hypocrite who ever lived, but the distance was excruciating. I knew he needed time to process what I'd told him, and I understood that. It was the nagging feeling that he held me responsible I couldn't shake.
"Be careful," I said, talking to both of them even though I was staring at Daryl.
I willed him to look at me, speak to me, kiss me, anything, but he simply hefted his crossbow on his shoulder, and muttered a barely audible "you too" then he was gone. My shoulder sagged with disappointment, and a healthy dose of guilt. I rubbed my hands on my face before pulling my ponytail so tight I probably looked five years younger.
"He still ain't talkin' to ya?"
"He talks to me," I defended, cinching the straps on my pack so tight they cut into my shoulders. Merle raised his eyebrows. "Don't gimme that look."
"Then don't lie like a no-legged dog." I huffed in annoyance, pivoting on my heel. I didn't have the emotional bandwidth for this conversation. "Ain't yur fault Firecracker."
I froze with my back to him. How did he know? Better question, what did he know? I turned around slowly, my mouth suddenly dry.
"How did you…" I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
"Just cause I talk slow don't mean I'm stupid." He stepped closer so no one would overhear. "The baby didn't stand a chance against that car."
My heart hammered in my chest, all the emotions I was struggling to deal with swirling in my stomach.
"I never should've been there."
He rolled his eyes. "We ain't safe nowhere. Ya know that." The longer this discussion went on the harder it got to breath. "Why don't ya tell me what's really botherin' ya?"
"You mean besides the fact you've suddenly become a redneck Dr. Phil?"
I was deflecting, hoping to drag him off topic with sarcastic taunts. It didn't work.
"Yeah, other than that."
I could have told him a million things to satisfy his curiosity, but the truth tumbled out before I could stop it.
"He blames me," I choked out. If Merle was surprised by the declaration he didn't show it. "He can hardly look at me. He doesn't touch me. I think maybe...maybe he doesn't…love me anymore. That he can't...because all he sees when he looks at me is the woman who failed to protect his child."
The last part stole the air from my lungs. There it was, my greatest fear. Merle closed the distance between us in two large strides, arms going around me just as my first tear fell. My tears soaked his shirt just like Sasha's had soaked mine earlier.
"Ya got it all backwards lil' sister," Merle drawled, holding me close. "He can't look at ya cause all he sees is ya bein' hit by that car. He don't touch ya cause he still sees the bruises and blood coverin' yur body. He don't blame ya. He blames himself. He feels like he failed ya. If he can't protect his wife, his child, then what the hell kinda husband is he?"
I trusted Merle's insight. If anyone knew what was going on with Daryl it was him. My heart ached for my husband even as I struggled to find a way to make it right. Hopefully all he needed was time.
"Uh, Rick said…that well…it's time to go." Noah stuttered, standing to the side awkwardly. I pulled away from Merle, wiping tears from my cheek. "I'm, uh…with you Merle. In your group I mean. Me and Carol."
"Noah," I interrupted.
"Yeah."
"Stop talking."
He looked relived. "Sure thing."
"See ya later Captain Hook."
I chuckled when I heard Merle snap at Noah making the younger man cringe in discomfort. He was certainly going to be baptized by fire today. After saying goodbye to Rick my team made our way into the woods in search of food and water. Glenn couldn't track for shit so his main purpose was a lookout. Carl had been working with the Dixon's and was decent, if not above average. In order to cover more ground I decided to split up, sending Glenn with Carl while I moved further east. We would stay close enough to signal each other with whistles.
An hour later I'd accomplished nothing but furthering my dehydration. The sweltering heat was constant and oppressive, offering no respite as I stalked through the woods looking for any signs of life or water, of which there were none. I'd followed a dry creek bed for half a mile in hopes of finding drinkable water before abandoning the prospect entirely when it ended abruptly.
I stopped, putting my hands on my knees, fighting to keep a level head despite my desperation. I was employing every survival tactic at my disposal, and yet, was still coming up empty. There were no animal tracks in the area so following them to a water source was a no-go. Certain plants and vegetation contained water, but without knowing with absolute certainty what they were we couldn't risk ingesting them for fear of intestinal issues. Transpiration was another option we couldn't employ because we couldn't risk staying in one place for more than a few hours. Other than digging a well, which was ridiculously impractical, we were left with only one option, rain. I glanced skyward and groaned, judging by the clear blue sky that wasn't happening any time soon.
A whistle made all the birds in the immediate area startle, and I stood to my full height, parroting back the tune. Less than a minute later Glenn and Carl appeared, and what little hope I had stashed away plummeting when I saw their empty hands.
"No luck?" It was an unnecessary question. Carl held up a water bottle, and I grimaced. Worms and bugs crawled inside the plastic bottle, and I felt my stomach roll uneasily. "So no."
"It's food."
I eyed the boy skeptically. That was debatable, and we couldn't keep everyone alive with a handful of bugs and worms. Not to mention you'd have better luck getting Nugget to slurp them down than you would me.
"It's getting late. We should head back," Glenn suggested, head tipped back as he eyed the sun moving across the sky.
Trudging through the forest on an empty stomach with a parched throat was agonizing. When we pushed through the last bit of brush onto the road we found everyone waiting by the car. Judging by their dejected expressions and pale faces no one had any luck finding food or water. We were in serious trouble. We could go three weeks without food, but we wouldn't last more than three days without water.
"Nothing?" Rick asked and I nodded my head no. He sighed, ordering everyone back into the van.
We made it less than 20 minutes before the vehicle sputtered to a stop on the road finally out of gas. There wasn't a car in sight so siphoning fuel wasn't an option.
"We're out," Abraham informed the group. "Just like the other one."
"So we walk."
Rick already had the door open and was standing outside holding Nugget. He was trying to stay positive, morale the only thing we could control at this point, but as I glanced at everyone's faces it didn't appear to be helping. We had nearly 40 more miles until we reached the outskirts of D.C., and the prospect of walking that distance with no food, no water, and no hope was a lot to stomach.
"I'll take her," I told Rick, gesturing to Nugget. He smiled gratefully, handing over the baby.
An uneasy feeling slide over my skin, and I suppressed a shudder, casually glancing at our surroundings. I didn't see anything, but I sure as shit felt something. What, I had no idea, but my instincts had saved me more times than I could count so until I could either identify or dismiss the feeling I was keeping an eye out.
No one spoke while we walked, all energy devoted to staying upright and moving forward. I cradled Nugget close, rubbing her back when she cried periodically. She was hungry and thirsty. I propped her up in my arms, offering her a baby bottle partially filled with hot water. My heart broke as I watched her greedily suck down the fluid, her chubby face flushed from the heat. If we didn't find something, and fast, we were dead.
The moans of the walkers trailing behind us was getting louder, the number steadily growing the longer we were out in the open.
"It's getting bigger," I commented, putting Nugget's empty bottle away and propping her up on my hip.
"We're not at our strongest." Rick's statement was putting it mildly. Daryl said nothing and I clamped my lips shut so I didn't say something I'd regret. "We'll get 'em when it's best. High ground, something like that."
"I can handle them now. There's not that many."
"No!" both men barked in unison.
"Jeez guys, don't hold back. Tell me how you really feel?"
I tried not to let the dismissal get under my skin. Rick didn't want anyone taking any unnecessary risks, and Daryl was just being Daryl, stubborn, moody and completely irrational.
"They're not going anywhere. Don't need to risk anyone's safety," Rick continued.
I didn't bother arguing my safety wouldn't be at risk. I'd mowed through bigger herds than the one behind us, but whatever. Nugget squirmed in my arms, grumbling in discomfort.
"She's hungry," Daryl commented, glancing briefly at the child in my arms.
I didn't miss the pain on his face. This could have been us in a few months, if things had been different. I pushed those thoughts away as quickly as they came. There was no changing what happened.
"She's OK," Rick said. I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Daryl or himself. "She's gonna be OK."
"We need to find water, food," Daryl said in a monotone voice.
"We'll hit something in the road." Rick glanced towards the heavens, squinting against the sun. "It'll rain sooner or later."
"We can't wait for mother nature," I sighed, looking into the woods. "We need water and quick or people are going to start dropping."
Daryl handed a rifle to Rick, "I'm headed out. See what I can find."
"I'll go too." I was already handed Nugget off when Daryl glanced over his shoulder.
"I got it."
The sharpness in his voice cut me like a knife. I tried to cover the hurt on my face, but Rick saw it, sending me sympathetic smile. I watched Daryl disappear into the wood and my steps slowed until I was in the rear of the ground, Merle falling in step next to me.
"Where's Darlina goin'?"
"Water."
He drug his lower lip between his teeth. "Ya ain't goin' with him?" The answer was fairly obvious, but I nodded no anyway. "I'm tired of this shit."
He was halfway to the woods before understanding dawned in my dehydrated brain.
"Wait." I jogged towards the elder redneck, grabbing his arm. "Merle, no."
"Nah, fuck this. He ain't gonna keep this up."
I pulled on his arm, trying to slow him down, ignoring the concerned looks of the group. I'd worry about my dirty laundry being aired on the side of the road after I made sure Merle didn't murder his brother.
"He needs time," I insisted. "Hell, it took me days to even get out of the van. Leave him be. Please."
Merle rounded on me, pointing a knife stub in my face. "I ain't gonna watch him throw his marriage away cause he's a dumb piece of shit."
His statement threw me. Is that what he was worried about?
"I would never leave him." And I wouldn't, ever.
"Ya say that now, but people can only take so much. I know what he's doin'. I've done it before."
Melinda's name floated through my head. The woman he loved. The woman he drove away because he was too scared to love her back.
I swallowed thickly. "That's not gonna happen to us. I won't let it. I promise."
"Me either."
He pulled out of my grasps, stalking into the woods in search of his brother. I let him go for two reasons. One, I knew short of shooting him I couldn't stop him. Two, I was scared he was right. I was terrified Daryl actually believed I was better off without him.
"Someone's coming back bleeding," Carol commented, guiding me back on the road.
"You say that like it's a good thing."
That was my husband and brother-in-law out there. Either coming back in worse shape than they left was an unappealing prospect.
"It is." I gaped at her, but she only grinned. And people called me crazy. "Daryl needs to feel it. He's not built like me or Merle so until he lets himself feel the loss he'll never be able to move past it."
"All he's going to feel is a black eye."
I didn't disagree with Carol's assessment. As closed off and antagonistic as Daryl was his heart was huge. He felt everything more deeply than anyone I'd ever met. He also suppressed those feelings more than anyone I'd ever met which was a dangerous combination. He was a walking bomb that could explode at any moment.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, a chill racing down my spine. I swallowed hard, eyeing the woods to my left and right as I walked next to Carol. There it was again. The feeling we were being watched. This time I was absolutely certain it wasn't just a feeling. There was someone out there. My body shook with a need to spring into action, but surprise was our only advantage at this point, and I refused to give an inch.
"What is it?" she asked, picking up on my anxiety.
"Nothing."
I jogged to catch up with Rick, calling his name, and motioning for him to slow down. The others were so weary they didn't notice the exchange as they kept walking. When I caught up with him I motioned for his water bottle and he frowned.
"We're being watched," I said quietly, clipping the water bottle to my pack, trying to make it appear like I was heading off in search of water. "I'm going to see what I can find."
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Do you think not knowing who's following us is a good idea?"
Last time that happened someone ate Bob's leg for dinner.
He grimaced. "Good point." He looked into the woods behind me. "Keep it quiet."
I nodded. "I'm going for water. I'll meet back up with you guys in an hour or so."
Once I was deep in the woods I doubled back looking for tracks. It didn't take long to find a set, male judging by the shoe size and the depressing in the soil. He'd been following us most of the day, but the question was why?
About half a mile later my gut clenched when the footprints stopped next to a set of tire tracks. Based on the impressions in the ground the man following us paced back-and-forth for several minutes before continuing back towards the road while the SUV headed in the opposite direction.
Deciding the car was the greater of the two threats I followed the tire tracks, careful to stay hidden. I heard the engine running long before I spotted the large Four Runner idling in the woods. I crawled on my stomach to the top of a hill about 100 yards away from the vehicle, using the scope on my rifle to get a closer look. There was a lone occupant in the driver seat who was impatiently drumming his finger against the steering while he waited. He looked to be in his early 30's with sandy blonde hair and a long, sharp nose. From what little I could see he looked well fed and relatively clean.
The fact he kept the engine running for no other reason than air conditioning was more telling than any of my other observations combined. He wasn't worried about needlessly burning fuel which meant he had access to it, lots of it. They had to have some kind of set-up that wasn't too far away that afforded them that type of luxury. We didn't have food or water, you could forget about bathing, clean clothes, and gas.
I heard leaves crunching and scanned the woods trying to locate the source. I spotted a man who looked just as well off as the one waiting in the SUV. He was clean shaven and dressed like he was an encyclopedia salesman, complete with an awful stripped shirt tucked into pristine looking dress pants topped off with a leather belt. I swore to all things holy if he was hiding a sweater vest under his wind breaker I was putting a bullet between his eyes no matter the fallout with Rick.
I got to my feet, staying low and using the dense trees surrounding the SUV to my advantage. I crept from one tree to another until I was as close as I could get without formally introducing myself. Neither man noticed even though I was less than 20 feet away, and I rolled my eyes at their nonchalance. Clearly their experience post-apocalypse had been decidedly different than ours.
"What do you think?" the man in the car asked.
"I think they have potential."
Potential, potential for what?
"Are you going to keep following them?"
The man on foot nodded, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "This group is different."
"Different how?"
"They're survivors."
The men exchanged words I couldn't hear before the man behind the wheel said. "I'm just saying they're dangerous. Be careful."
You bet your starched pants we were dangerous.
"I will. Make sure you stay back, a couple broke off from the group and are in the woods."
"Should I be worried?"
Only if you valued your life.
"I'm not going to lie, they all look like they can handle themselves, but the three out here are by far the scariest."
"Crap." The guy in the car let his head fall against the steering wheel. "Please tell me it's not the rough looking guy with the crossbow, or the insane one who's missing a hand." When his counterpart didn't say anything he lifted his head. "Oh jeez, it's the scary woman with the bright red hair, isn't it?"
The one on foot smiled sweetly trying to ease his companion's fears. I'll say this, their overall survival skills might be abysmal, but at least their stranger danger senses were on point. These guys hadn't seen an inkling of our awesomeness because all we'd done the past few days was walk down the road, but they still knew to be weary of us. Lord help them if I decided to stop playing hide-and-seek.
"At least her flaming red hair will be easy to spot."
They both laughed, and I had the sudden urge to strangle them just to prove a point. Instead I backtracked towards the hill, silently making my way back to the road. I had no idea how long I'd been gone, but it was long enough that if I didn't show, and soon, I was likely to have a rough looking guy with a crossbow and an insane guy missing a hand all up in my Kool-Aid.
Since I knew where our stalkers were there was no need to take the long way back. When I got close to the road I whistled, waiting a beat before emerging from the tree line so I could avoid an arrow in the ass, but was still met with every weapon we owned pointed directly at my head.
"I surrender," I deadpanned, holding my hands high.
You could call us crazy, but you couldn't call us careless.
Everyone was in the process of gathering up their meager belongings. It wasn't until I got closer that I noticed the smoldering remains of a fire and people chewing. Daryl wordlessly offered me a charred piece of meat that I eyed skeptically. He narrowed his eyes, daring me to argue with him. I took the mystery meat because I didn't have the calories to argue with him. He said nothing, assessing me critically from head to toe. He could look until the cows came home. Other than being sweatier than I was an hour ago I was fine. It was clear he came to the same conclusion a half-second later when he grumbled inaudibly in redneck, and stomped off down the road. I sighed watching him leave; somewhat shocked he looked no worse for the wear after his "conversation" with Merle.
I sniffed the meat trying to identify what the hell I was holding. It didn't look like chicken, didn't look like red meat, and I'd eaten enough squirrels to know this wasn't a furry woodland creature.
"Did you have a dog when you were a kid?" Rick questioned.
"No. Why?" His lips thinned in distaste, looking at the uneaten meat in my hand. No way. "You guys killed Lassie?"
"More like Cujo."
I swallowed hard, trying to work up the courage to eat the food I desperately needed. "Does it taste like chicken?"
"Taste like burnt dog." Thanks for that buddy. I closed my eyes, shoved the food in my mouth. It was better than worms. "Find anything?"
I felt nauseous as I chewed and swallowed, but not because I was eating Lassie. I felt nauseous because Lassie tasted good as fuck. Christ, we needed to remedy our food and water situation before drinking our own urine became appealing. I waited until the group was a few feet away before I answered his question.
"Two guys. One's following on foot close to the road while the second stays with a vehicle further back."
He ground his teeth together. "Armed?"
"Not that I saw, but there was a lot I couldn't see."
"Any idea what they want?"
"Directions?" He didn't laugh. The world goes to shit and suddenly everyone loses their sense of humor. "Seems like they're just following us. Why is anyone's guess, but I can tell you they aren't doing it because they want something from us."
"What makes you say that?" he asked, looking in the woods for our uninvited guests.
"Well, for starters we don't have shit." He raised a single eyebrow in that creepy way of his. "Don't gimme the cop eyebrow. We have no food now that Lassie's gone, and a half full water bottle to share between us. These guys are well fed, clean, and not carrying any visible weapons. They have a safe place somewhere with resources."
"So why follow us?" He tensed like an attack was imminent.
I shrugged, "That's the million dollar question."
"You don't seem worried."
"You wouldn't either if you saw these guys." I'd seen Sunday school teachers who were more intimidating. "I'll keep my eye on them."
We had bigger fish to fry than a couple of wierdos following us for apparently no reason. We caught up to the group, Rick striding towards the front as I hung towards the back with Merle. I didn't see Daryl anywhere. Speaking of fish to fry.
"Where is he?"
"Dumbass went that'a way."
Merle waved his hand at the entire Eastern seaboard so finding my husband should be no problem. He was somewhere between Florida and Maine.
"I see you still have all your teeth. Good job Captain Hook."
He nudged me with his shoulder. "I'm capable of civilized conversation."
"I'm going after him," I declared, already halfway in the woods.
"Firecracker." I stopped, turning to look at him. "He ain't in a good way."
Tell me something I didn't know. I nodded for lack of anything meaningful to say. Everyone who'd been within a mile of Daryl the past few weeks knew he was struggling. Unlike the rest of the group his struggles had little to do with our imminent demise.
It was disturbingly easy to find his trail. Either he was seriously off his game, or he wasn't even trying to cover his tracks. Both prospects were equally troubling.
I found him sitting against a tree a few yards away from a barn. He didn't hear me approaching, another sign he was locked inside his own head. I observed him for a moment, the slump in his shoulder, the way he hung his head momentarily only to look up towards the sky with tears welling in his eyes. Everything in his demeanor screamed grief, suffering, anguish, and it gutted me.
He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, searching through his diminishing supply in search of the least damaged one. When he finally lit it he only took one deep inhale before rolling the cigarette in his fingers, eyes a million miles away. I was moving before I even knew why, a strangled gasp sticking in my throat when I saw him press the burning embers into his hand.
"Stop!" I fell to my knees in front of him, batting the cigarette out of his hand. "What are you doing?" He didn't say anything, didn't look at me. He just sat there, head bowed, defeated. "Look at me." Nothing. "Daryl, please, look at me."
When he still didn't move I put my hands on either side of his head, tilting his face up. My heart literally broke when I saw tears trailing down his dirty face, more building in his beautiful eyes. I moved closer, keeping his head in my hands. Give me walkers, give me pain, give me death. I would accept all of it willingly if it meant I never had to see him like this.
"It's not your fault." I tasted the salt of my own tears on my tongue though I hadn't realized I was crying. He shook his head firmly, blinking rapidly like it might somehow stop his own. "It's not your fault."
"I didn't protect ya."
"It's not your fault."
"Ya almost died."
"It's not your fault."
"The baby, our kid, they killed it, and I couldn't do nothin' to stop 'em."
He wasn't hearing me and words simply weren't cutting it. I curled my hands in his vest, pulling him to me, and pressing my lips to his. He choked on a sob even as his arms went around my waist, holding onto me like a drowning man in rough seas. I kissed him like I'd never kissed him before, saying everything with the kiss he refused to hear with words.
When we finally broke apart, foreheads resting against each other, we were both breathing hard. I stroked his hair, trailing my fingertips down his striking face. Oh how I'd missed this. The feel of his lips on mine. The way his stubble rubbed against my skin. How his heart pounded beneath my palm.
"Do you trust me?" His eyes flew to mine even, head nodding emphatically. "Then trust me now…it's not your fault."
He blew out a harsh breath, collapsing into my body as I wrapped my arms around his much larger frame. He buried his head against my chest, crying hard. I held him like a mother holds a child, stroking his hair, and whispering words of comfort. I rested my chin on his head, crying right along with him as we mourned the loss of a child.
"I love ya Red."
It wasn't until I heard him say the words that had become my entire reason for living that I knew everything would be alright. We still had a long way to go, and the road certainly wouldn't be easy, but we would get there eventually. We would do it the same way we did everything else, together.
"I love you too Legolas."
I spy with my little eye...Aaron and Eric doing a terrible job of "recruiting". LOL! Are you excited we are getting close to Alexandria? A lot happens. A lot changes. It's definitely a transition time for the group, and it will be interesting to see how they adapt and adjust. What are you most looking forward to seeing?
Thank you all for the overwhelming support on the last chapter. I am happy it resonated with so many of you. My own experience was some time ago and I now have 4 healthy children so I am one of the lucky ones. Your kind words were amazing. Thank you!
BTW, the song Alex is singing is Hallelujah (obviously) and I imagine her sounding like Tori Kelly. Check out the lyric video on YouTube if you want to hear it. Amazing.
