Chapter 51 : Lifeline


Haymitch wasn't really aware of shaking off Effie's arm but he was alone when he advanced in the narrow path between the freshly new dug graves. There were always new graves in the graveyard, that was the thing. Twelve wasn't a huge District and lifespan wasn't long. He had often wondered if there would come a point when the balance would tilt and there would be more dead people than newborns, if they would go extinct. Not that the Capitol would let that happen. They would move people from other Districts, the coal mines were too precious to be abandoned.

The graveyard was closer to the woods than to the town, almost overlooking the Seam, and it was more difficult to ignore the memories of the arena there. He licked his lips and buried his trembling hands in the pockets of his brand new coat, trying hard not to think that that coat was probably warmer than any blanket a family in the Seam could afford

Tombs were pretty simple in Twelve. The only fancy ones were the victors graves and he carefully didn't look in that direction for now. Stone was too expensive, even for people from town, and most of the time, families made do with a simple wooden cross or a huge boulder, coffins were already an extravagance. With snow covering everything it was hard to keep track on what – or who – he was stepping on.

It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for, though.

The grave was unassuming, lost between two others just as insignificant in appearance. There was a wooden cross that was dangerously tilting to the left and that he straightened by the force of habits. It had been a while since he had come there. The carvings on the wood were nearly faded.

He was hyper aware of Effie standing two feet behind him and he felt stupidly self-conscious. He didn't even know what he was doing there truth be told. He had come a lot at first, in the months following his first victory, then he had stopped coming because there was nothing for him there. The grave was just a grave. They were dead and nothing could change that.

He hadn't even been there to bury them.

Space was always a problem in the graveyard. There had been talks of starting another one on the other side of the District but they had never gotten the green light from the Capitol or something. It seemed so surreal to have to secure permission from bureaucrats at the other end of the country to bury their dead… If he had died as planned… If Effie had managed to get in touch with Undersee… They would have put him in there with them. They would have dug up the grave and tossed his coffin in there and added his name on the cross and they would finally have been reunited and…

And he had survived them.

Again.

It was jarring to realize he had spent more time alone than with them. It was jarring to realize in a few years he would be older than his mother had been when she had died.

He outstretched his arm behind him, reaching for he didn't know what.

At least until a hand slipped in his and he felt her come to rest against his side, warm and alive.

"Hello." she said brightly, because of course she was that sort of people who talked to graves. Of course. It made him smile despite it all. She was just so… Effie. She must have caught his amusement because she frowned. "What is it?"

He shook his head and pressed a kiss against her forehead just because he could. "Never change, sweetheart."

She seemed a bit puzzled by that but dismissed it, leaning heavily against his side. "Do you think they would have liked me?"

His instinctive answer was no because he hadn't even liked her at first and she was an escort. They might have grown to be alright with it but he doubted it would have been a love at first sight kind of thing.

"You're an acquired taste." he deadpanned and got his arm whacked for his trouble. She immediately winced in pain and glared at her injured hand as if it had personally insulted her. They needed to take care of it, wrap it before it could swell. He gave a last glance at the grave, not feeling much of anything. He missed them, that was the thing, but it was a pain he carried around everywhere and all the time, not something he felt specifically when he was standing in front of their last resting place. It was hard to say what his family would have thought of his life choices. He hoped they would have understood. He wasn't foolish enough to think they would have been proud but he hoped they would have understood. "Let's go."

She hesitated. "Do you mind if… I would like to visit the victors patch."

He shrugged, a bit reluctant but unwilling to refuse her that much. He led the way.

Katniss' grave would have been hard to miss even without him as a guide.

The victors patch was nothing more than a somehow empty spot at the left end of the graveyard where tombs actually looked like mausoleums. Twelve's only victor before him hadn't lasted long, he wasn't sure what the man had died of but his grave had been there for as long as Haymitch could remember and was starting to crumble because nobody cared enough to take care of it. Katniss' was brand new and clearly regularly seen to.

The snow had been cleared from the white marble and it was hard to miss her name in golden letters, the dates or the proudly displayed Victor of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games. That was standard, he figured. There were two marble slabs placed on top that had clearly been exported from the city and he wondered how much of that had been Effie's doing. One of them was engraved with a sober 'Beloved Daughter, Beloved Sister', the other had a picture and a single 'Beloved'. It was so obviously from Peeta that Haymitch's heart clenched. Someone had also placed a bow and an arrow on top of the grave – that was most likely the Hawthorne boy.

He hung back while Effie approached, not quite sure he had any right to be there at all. The corpse in that tomb was only there because he had fucked up. He should have gotten from under that tree more quickly. He should have protected Katniss better. He should have been the one getting his head split in two. He should have…

"Hello, dear." Effie whispered, placing her hand at the edge of the grave. Her fingers were quivering and Haymitch averted his eyes, staring at a bird hopping around a few feet away. "I miss you very much." Effie's voice cracked and he took a deep breath. "I am so very sorry."

He knew she was crying and it was too much for him.

He turned on his heels and stalked out of there, only breathing again once he had passed the graveyard gates. He had always found it very ironical that they were so similar to the Village's. He leaned his back against the stone wall and felt around his pockets by reflex, looking for the packet of cigarettes he always seemed to carry around nowadays because he was apparently unable to live without poisoning himself. They were empty. He kicked the wall with a curse and rubbed his eyes.

Fuck but he missed the girl. He missed her so fucking much.

He had been clinging to his guilt for so long that it was all he had let himself feel. He hadn't realized how much he missed her. He hadn't realized how much…

His eyes were red when Effie finally walked out of the graveyard but if she noticed, she didn't comment. Perhaps because her mascara was a bit smudged.

"We should go to the Village." she suggested as if nothing at all had happened, sounding cheerful and just as bubbly as that new escort except it sounded extremely fake to his ears. "Or did you want to look around the Seam?"

"The Village's good." he muttered.

They walked fast and in silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

The Victors' Village was the same as ever and he felt the same dread walking past the gates as he always had before. It had been a prison for a long time. A self-appointed one, perhaps, but a prison nonetheless.

The fountain was still there, still broken.

The same stray tabby cat disappeared behind the corner of a house at their approach.

The grey sky still looked as if it was about to come down and swallow them whole and he still wasn't sure it wouldn't be a good thing.

The streets were deserted and empty and depressing.

"Haymitch!"

The voice was too young and too girly to belong to Peeta. It took him aback and he turned around just in time to see Prim drop her school bag and rush toward him.

He braced himself for the attack, certain little fists would soon barrel into him and harsh words would be shouted – and he wouldn't deny her, he had no right to deny her.

He braced himself but he was unprepared for the collision and he stumbled back, almost falling down on his ass. He caught her because he didn't want her to hurt herself even if she was bent on hurting him. He thought that was what she was trying to do at first, strangle him. It took him a couple of minutes to realize she was actually hugging him.

And when he understood that…

He hugged back. Too hard probably but she didn't protest, she simply buried her face in his neck, he could feel her cold nose against his skin. He thought she might have been crying a little too but he was too stunned to do more than hold her.

He met Effie's eyes over the girl's shoulder, adjusting his grip on her so she wouldn't fall because her feet were dangling a few inches over the ground. His escort didn't look particularly surprised but she was teary and she hastily looked away.

"Why didn't you come back?" Prim asked after a moment.

"I…" he hesitated. "It's complicated, sweetheart."

"Peeta says you thought we would hate you." the girl insisted, letting go of his neck. He made sure her feet were back on the ground before letting go, pulling a little on one of her braids by reflex. She batted his hand away just like old times and it was so… odd.

"Don't you?" he cringed, confused.

Maysilee's family, his old friends… Nobody had wanted anything to do with him after his Games.

Prim studied him with eyes that were far too old and wise for her age. She looked sad and tired. "It wasn't your fault."

Effie had said it on countless occasions.

Peeta had said it a couple of times.

Alina had tried to make him understand.

But it wasn't until he heard it from Katniss' sister's lips that he thought he might eventually believe it.

And damn it if his eyes weren't burning again.

"I missed you." Prim declared, sneaking her arms around his waist and hugging him once more. "Don't disappear like that again. You're family. She would never have wanted… You're family, Haymitch."

He hugged her tight again, feeling more humbled and grateful than he had ever felt before in his long life. That girl… She was something. He understood only too well why Katniss had been ready to give her life for her.

After a few minutes, Effie discreetly cleared her throat.

Prim startled and moved away from him, wiping her cheeks to greet the Capitol properly. It was a lot more subdued but the girl seemed happy enough to see her – what he got from the conversation was that Effie had been sending a lot of care packages to Twelve in the last few months and that the care packages involved clothes and girly stuff nobody really needed.

But that was Effie's attempts at comforting a young girl, he supposed.

"Let's go home." Prim declared, grabbing his sleeve and not leaving him much of a choice in the matter.

"You still live here?" he frowned. He hadn't thought they would have been allowed. In fact, he had been fairly sure Thread would have showed up as soon as Katniss died to chase them out of the Village.

"Prim and Mrs Everdeen live with Peeta now." Effie informed him, sounding a bit put out. "Do you even listen to me when I talk?"

To be honest, he tended not to when she talked about Twelve. She called Peeta regularly, he knew that much, but since it upset him, she tried not to do it when he was around. And when she talked about it… He didn't always pay attention.

He wasn't that surprised though. Peeta was a good boy. He wouldn't have let Katniss' family starve in the Seam.

"Mom's sick again." Prim informed him. "She might act as if you're not there. Don't mind her."

Sick was a nice euphemism for depressed, he was sure. He wasn't certain he was ready to find himself face to face with Aster Everdeen. He had planned on avoiding it if he could help it.

It might have been the coward's way out but he stopped dead in the middle of the street. The girl was looking at him expectantly, as if she didn't really understand why the delay. Haymitch's grey eyes darted around…

"I… I want to check my house first, yeah?" he said, jumping on the first excuse he could find. "You go ahead, sweetheart. I'll catch up." He saw Effie pursing her lips but he wasn't in the mood for her lectures so he waved her off. "You too. I'm just gonna…"

"I will go with you." she cut him off. "You said you would tend to my hand anyway."

"The kid can do that." he countered, looking at Prim. "She hurt her hand, you can take care of it, yeah?"

"I would rather you do it." Effie insisted before the girl could agree.

Prim's gaze traveled from the escort to the victor and then she forced a smile. "I have to go home or Peeta is going to worry. I'll tell him you're here. Don't be too long. We can have tea! I think he baked some lemon cakes this morning."

"Lemon cakes, how lovely!" the escort exclaimed, gently ushering the girl in the direction of Peeta's house. "We won't be a tick."

They were more than a tick and he was annoyed with her. He glowered all the way to his house and scowled when he realized he didn't have his keys – not that he should have cared about that because the front door was open, just like he had left it when he had left on the day of the Reaping.

It had been six months. He expected his house to be dusty and smelly.

It had never been as clean or fresh. It felt a little like walking into it for the first time when everything had been so impersonal and cold.

"Peeta pays your housekeeper so she keeps coming. He employs her too now, I believe." Effie explained without needing his prompting. "I think he was trying to do something nice for Katniss' friend."

He couldn't really protest that, now, could he? Hazelle sure needed the money.

The living-room, the kitchen… Even his bedroom… Every room he walked in felt foreign. The stuff was his but it was too clean, too tidy. He liked his chaos. He liked that he had managed to make Effie's apartment a little more disorganized.

This house he had never really managed to call home was not even his house anymore.

He would grab his books, he told himself, because they were the only things of value he had left and then he would never put a foot back in there.

The first aid kit was in the bathroom where he had left it the last time. He found a salve of something that should do well enough for her bruised hand and grabbed her wrist without much care. He wasn't gentle either when he rubbed it in.

She didn't complain.

It irked him up all the more.

Her behavior had been stupid in the first place and he was still furious about that. She was reckless like she never used to be. It was dangerous. They couldn't afford reckless moves anymore.

He wrapped her hand in gauze, making sure her thumb was secured, and then he glared at it instead of letting go. He had known coming back to Twelve would be difficult but it was worse than he had thought. He longed for the city and its pretences, the easy distractions and the loathing he could bathe in because those people were ridiculous and it was easier to judge. But was he so different from them when he had left his home behind for…

Effie was suddenly in his space, her mouth brutally crashing on his… It didn't take much more than that for him to give a shape to his anger. The kisses were violent. He bit down on her bottom lip hard enough that he tasted blood and she reciprocated by digging her teeth in the soft flesh under his jaw. The pain was sharp, almost too thrilling.

He shoved her against the wall.

She grabbed the coat he had never taken off and tugged him closer but he didn't want to play by her rules. It only took him a second to clasp her wrists high above her head, pinning her in place with his hips while he unbuttoned her coat so he felt less like he was about to fuck a polar bear.

Fucking Capitols.

"I hate you." he snarled and she drew in a sharp breath. When was the last time he had told her that? Months. A year. More? The words hurt but that was good. She should hurt. He had survived for her. He had branded himself a traitor for her. He had given up on everything he was, everything he stood for. He…

He kissed her hard, tightened his grip on her wrists, slipped a leg between hers… He groaned when she sucked on his tongue, getting lost in the way she was grinding against his thigh, searching for friction, searching for… He brought his leg up, propping his knee against the wall, pressing his thigh against her core to the point it must have been uncomfortable, preventing her from rubbing herself on him, keeping her in place.

He liked that she never simply surrendered. He liked that he had to earn that. He liked that sometimes she just refused to give in until he had thoroughly fucked her and even then she wanted to be in charge because she was just that bossy. There were days when he humored her, let her play with him like she wanted. Today wasn't one of those days.

He searched her eyes, looked for any hint that she didn't want this because he was wary of hurting her, always wary… But she didn't look afraid or reluctant. She was always game, that was the thing with Effie, she always wanted to please him. Sometimes, he thought she would never protest, not even if he took it too far.

"I want your lipstick on my dick." he stated.

She shivered, either aroused by his crudeness or by the prospect of him walking around all afternoon with that ugly shade of peach on his privates. He let go of her wrists, stepped back, and watched her sink to her knees without a second of hesitation.

She struggled with his pants and he undid them for her, not gone enough to risk her hurting her hand further. Then her mouth was there, warm and wet, and he closed his eyes, stumbled back until he could lean against the sink, forcing her to crawl forward to follow him.

He had planned on fucking her mouth mercilessly so he surprised himself when he didn't grab her wig. Clearly, it surprised her too.

"Tell me what you want me to do." she hummed, giving him a teasing lick from base to head.

He told her. And every time he asked for something, she did it without question.

"Good girl." he whispered from time to time, because that was what he always said when they were playing it rough and she was that submissive. He was fooling himself into thinking he was in charge at that moment though. She could have easily had him flat on his back and he would have let her ride him. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He didn't know who he was. He didn't know… "Swallow." he demanded, knowing she wouldn't mind, knowing also that if she didn't want to she would simply move back. She didn't though. She took him whole in her mouth, almost choking when he finally came.

She coughed when he pulled out, quickly wiping her mouth on the back of her good hand, because there was one thing she hated and it was him seeing her drooling. Not sexy at all, she had claimed once. It was in a way, though. There had been a time when he had loved to make her drool around his dick, to fuck her mouth so hard tears would come to her eyes… It had made him feel powerful to fuck the Capitol. It still did to some extent and… It troubled him how violent and cruel his urges toward her sometimes got.

He pulled her up to her feet and embraced her tight.

Why was he still using her like that?

She meant so much to him. She meant everything. And yet there he was, using her to pass his frustration on… If his mother had still been alive, if she had known how he was treating his wife

Because that was the thing, wasn't it? She wasn't just his escort anymore, hadn't been for a long time, and he had put a ring on her finger and… You simply didn't treat your wife like that. Not in Twelve. In the Capitol maybe but he wasn't Capitol. Unless he was. Unless they had changed him so much that…

"It's alright, darling." she hummed, her good hand combing through his hair. "I enjoyed it."

He didn't think she was lying but he wondered how she could enjoy it. She deserved better. More.

"Tell me what you want." he mumbled in her neck.

"Nothing." She frowned, he heard it in her voice. "We really should…"

"No." he cut her off. "Tell me what you want. Please."

He would have dropped to his knees if she had ordered. He would have eaten her out or fingered her or anything she asked for. He didn't like it when she got him to submit but maybe at that moment he needed it, needed her to take control, needed to make this even because…

He really didn't want to be the brute who took and never gave.

He was dysfunctional but he didn't want to be an asshole.

She relaxed in his arms and he tightened his embrace, planting soft kisses along the side of her neck.

"Tell me you love me." she requested softly.

Here, in that house, those words were more difficult to utter. He hadn't quite become used to saying them but they came out now and then when they were in her apartment. She said them so liberally, so freely… He had slowly grown comfortable with offering them back. They came out on their own volition sometimes.

They weren't as frightening as before because they were a pact between them.

He loved her and so he stayed alive.

She loved him and so she stayed alive.

But there, in that house where everything was loneliness, pain and death…

He closed his eyes and breathed her perfume, let her presence soothe the fears he couldn't quite suppress… He pretended they were elsewhere. At home. And it wasn't until he had thought the word that he realized that it was what her apartment – their apartment now, he supposed – had become. Home.

"I love you." he mumbled at long last. "I'm sorry."

For being a jerk, for being so weak or for taking without giving he wasn't sure. She could take her pick.

"Do not be." she chided. "I told you a hundred times already… If I weren't willing, I would let you know."

He kissed her hard but not as brutally as before.

"I don't deserve you." he muttered awkwardly against her lips, a bit too genuine.

She must have picked up on it but she chose to laugh it off. "And don't you forget it. Now… Try to make yourself presentable again. We really should go."

She tried to salvage her smudged make-up while he tucked everything back inside his pants, making sure nobody could tell what they had been up to.

He was a little more relaxed, at least. And yet he remained jumpy even when they left his house to go to Peeta's. He had prepared himself to see the boy again but the moment the kid opened the door, everything came rushing back.

Promising Peeta he would get Katniss back to him. The axe in Katniss' head. The blood on his hands.

He hugged the boy back after a second too long, his mind flashing back to the present with a stomach churning speed. Effie was loud and at the top of her flamboyant self, commandeering attention. She was doing it on purpose, he figured, so he could blend a little more in the background, let her handle the situation.

He was grateful for it, even if her high-pitched bubbly act gave him a headache.

Prim appeared around five minutes after Peeta had ushered them to his living-room – so similar to before, it caused Haymitch to lapse again, it made him panic quietly in his corner not to be able to tell when he was, before the Quell, after the Quell… It all blurred together until the teenager put a stop to the ringing in his ears by declaring regretfully that her mother was too tired to come down. Peeta and Prim exchanged a long look but neither of them elaborated on what that meant.

Someone, he suspected the girl, placed a cup of tea in his right hand and a lemon cake in his left. His mind was riveted to the painting that was hanging over the fireplace. It was Katniss in front of a sunset with the woods as a background and Haymitch wondered why Peeta was torturing himself like that, making himself look at her every day, making himself remember when…

His hands were shaking too badly and he spilled some tea on his thigh. It was hot but he didn't feel the pain, not really.

He did feel it when Effie's hand casually fell on his leg and rubbed the tension away as if she knew perfectly well what he was thinking. Maybe she did.

He felt remote.

It wasn't long before the conversation circled back to Katniss.

From small talk to the heavy subjects.

Was six months really enough for the boy and her sister to talk about her so casually? To reminisce about her without feeling that heart crushing pain?

Haymitch couldn't.

He couldn't even think about her without wanting to scream.

He woke up at night with her name on his lips, a despair too huge to be borne and a pain in his chest so sharp he often collapsed in Effie's arms and let her pretend she couldn't feel his tears burning through her nightgown.

He closed himself off to their voices, refused to listen, refused to laugh with them at how stubborn Katniss had been, refused to share memories, refused to do that thing they called mourning. He didn't want to mourn her. Once you mourned people, they were in the past. Forgotten. He couldn't forget her. He couldn't stop seeing her face. He couldn't stop…

"And how are you doing, Haymitch?" The question came from Peeta and the boy sounded guarded, almost too formal as if he was talking to a stranger and not to… him. That was his fault, Haymitch supposed, he should make more of an effort. Things between them were… weird.

He realized belatedly that it was the first time he had been addressed directly since he had stepped inside the house. Effie's hand was still on his thigh and he covered it with his, clinging to her like to a lifeline. That was what she was anyway. His lifeline.

"I'm good." he forced himself to answer, to lie.

"Are you back on the booze?" the boy asked casually.

"Peeta!" both Effie and Prim snapped at the same time.

"What?" the kid shrugged. "It seems like something I should know. I'm still his mentor, right?"

"That's enough, I think." Effie said, a bit cold.

"I ain't." he answered, studying the boy, trying to figure out why he was so obviously angry at him. "Took up smoking though."

"That's a very Capitol poison to pick up." Peeta commented, not bothering to hide his resentment anymore. "How are you enjoying living there?"

"It's not that bad." he replied defensively. "And it's far from this shit hole, which is always a plus." That was harsher than he had intended and he regretted it because Prim looked down, clearly a little hurt by that remark. He squeezed Effie's hand, grateful when she got the message loud and clear. She got them out of there with a lot of flair and air kisses, making Peeta promise to be ready at seven sharp the next morning for the prep team she would send. Haymitch fumed but kept his peace until they had reached the Village's gates. "What's his problem?"

Effie pursed her lips, clearly irritated, but he wasn't sure it was the boy's behavior that had annoyed her. "I do not wish to be pulled in the middle. I would rather you work out your problems on your own."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he scoffed and then he shook his head. "It's all about the girl, anyway. He hates me because…"

"No." she cut him off firmly. "It has nothing to do with Katniss. Not for him anyway."

That was all she consented to say on the subject. He was tense and furious once more by the time they reached the train but this time sex didn't seem like an appealing way of solving the situation. He let her run along to entertain the stylist and the future escort or to make sure everything was ready for dinner because god forbade her schedules went through the window, preferring to retreat to their room – her room, technically.

He needed a shower.

His skin was crawling.


And now the Tour really starts... How do you think Eleven is going to go? Will Haymitch understand why Peeta is so angry? Will this Tour be worse than the last?