The next day I wake to an empty bed. I don't register Cosima's absence until I turn on my side and open a sleepy eye to see her glasses neatly folded on the nightstand. Sitting up, I scan the bedroom, finding it slightly more disorganized than normal. Cosima's presence is marked here and there by a sweatshirt casually dropped on a chair or the phone charger out in the open instead of inside the drawer where I keep it, I sulk for a moment until my eyes land on the bright pink helmet on the desk.
I'm still looking around, a small smile on my lips, when Cosima enters the bedroom. She quietly opens the door while balancing two mugs in her hands, and carefully shuts it with her shoulder while keeping a close eye on the cups to be sure she doesn't make a mess. When she glances towards the bed, she grins, taking a few steps to set the mugs next to the bed, the smell of strong coffee capturing my attention.
"Good morning," Cosima says as she crawls onto the bed to straddle my hips.
"Feeling better?" I ask, my hands lazily moving to her hips and pull her gently.
Cosima leans forward and slips her arms around my shoulders, her lips brush softly against mine, while fingers play with the small hairs on the back of my neck.
"Yep. Much." She confirms, the words spoken against my lips in a small voice. "That chicken soup worked miracles."
In truth, Cosima's improvement is probably due more to an early night spent under the covers watching a movie playing on the laptop, than to the meal we had before.
"This means you're going to class with me, yes?" I coax her, my hand slipping under her shirt and I graze the small of her back.
She groans, the small kisses she was spreading along the side of my neck stop. "I'm out of excuses; that's what it means," she says, straightening her back and reaching for one of the mugs.
I do the same, blowing the steam and peering at her over the rim of the mug as I take a small sip. There's something slightly different about her. Nothing too obvious, but there's a shift in her energy that goes beyond her feeling better. If the fact that she had woken up before I did wasn't enough of a give away, the determination that makes her eyes sparkle seals the deal. Even her eyes don't avoid my gaze. Quite the contrary; she seems to be observing me with a quiet curiosity while we drink our morning beverages.
"What are you up to?" I finally ask in a casual tone, not wanting to put pressure on her.
She tilts her head and smirks. "What makes you think I'm up to something?" She counters, as she places the now empty mug back on the bedside table.
I shrug. "Call it a sixth sense."
Cosima continues to smile as she relieves me of my cup and sets it next to hers. "You're getting awfully good at reading my mind," she comments, scooting closer and pecking my cheek. "I should do something about it."
"I'd rather you didn't," I pull her in for a kiss and feel her laughter against my lips.
She lets her forehead rest against mine, her fingers return to the wisps of hair on the back of my neck, idly moving. "I've decided to go see my father at the end of the day," she tells me quietly.
I pull back to look her in the eye. "When I said you should so that, I didn't mean right away," I assure her, my hands soothing her lower back. "I don't want you to think you're not welcome here. Like I said, you can stay as long as you need. No need to make rush decisions."
Cosima's smile doesn't falter while I talk, she even gives a small nod when I finish. "No, no... you were right," she sounds determined. "This is long overdue. And besides, I need a place to put all my shit once we go get it."
"Okay," I nod, "if that's what you want."
"Yeah..." she becomes more alive on top of me, her body moves back and forth as she continues. "And I also need to get a few things I have at Jen's... bring them over," she pauses to stare directly at me. "If that's okay, of course," she adds after a little hesitation.
My arms tug her closer and I kiss the tip of her nose, causing her to giggle a little. "You do that," I say. "You need more clothes, can't be wearing the same thing all the time."
Cosima nods and the excited energy returns. "Yeah... I also need my computer if I'm to finish Dr. Ford's homework any time soon."
The early morning allows us to get ready to leave without being rushed. I refuse Cosima's invitation to join her in the shower though; no matter how long we have. Time would slip between our fingers - possibly, quite literally. Cosima dresses in the same clothes she was wearing two nights ago, even if it seems like so much longer than that, when I briefly pause to think about how much has changed since. We even have time to stop on our way to campus for breakfast.
Once we arrive on campus, we part ways for our separate classes, but agree to meet for lunch. I'm vaguely aware of the lightness in my steps, the unmistakable relief I felt the moment Cosima had told me her plans for the day and her determination to resolve the problems she had been carrying with her far longer than necessary. I'm not exactly a patient person; I know that much and I have the feeling Cosima is starting to realize that as well, but this situation had pushed me to the limit, to a point I never thought I could reach. To have things finally beginning to compose themselves and be able to envision an end to this mess seems so unbelievable that I'm not even allowing myself to breathe completely free until it's really over. But still, it's looking promising and a ridiculous smile accompanies me throughout the day.
As agreed we meet for lunch, when Cosima informs me that she has everything set up with Jen and that she'll call me the moment she's free, so to not catch me by surprise when she shows up at my door with a bunch of bags and for me to have a drawer ready for her. I laugh, there's really not much more I can do when I see the apologetic look she gives me, as if it's a big thing I'm giving up.
It's not until we're in the library that it hits me that it is a big deal - or at least it used to be. I'd dated Albert for over two years, and I never gave him such liberties. I never allowed him to leave so much as a pair of socks at my place. With him I was always too territorial for that. Yet, with Cosima it came as a natural development of the circumstances. It's true that she's in need of a place to stay, but I didn't even pause to think it through; there was no hesitation on my part.
I look at her, standing with her arms resting on top of the librarian's desk, talking vividly with the old woman. Since she hasn't brought anything with her other than a small notepad, she has left me at our usual table and went to chat with the woman, so I get to work on my studies. Cosima catches me looking and, without a break in her animated conversation, throws a wink my way, causing me to smile briefly at her before returning to the book in front of me, amazed that she's still able to make me blush with the simplest of gestures. It really shouldn't surprise me, this gentler version of me when it comes to her; she's caused me to break more of my rules than I care to remember and forged a new set of rules for herself. What do I lose in creating room for her? Clearing a drawer? Nothing, truly, when compared to all she can give me in return.
I can feel her nervousness building up during the afternoon. She's quiet while we make our way to the lab, her fingers twitch around mine as she reaches for my hand. I look at her and she shows me a weak smile, but squeezes my hand tighter before letting go so I can open the door. It seems like she's determined to make up for lost time with her work, moving quickly to retrieve her cultures from the freezer and getting them under the microscope, but I think that her haste comes from a different place. She is keeping herself busy, occupying her mind with something other than what awaits her at the end of the day.
As I work, my own mind continues to consider what Cosima will deal with later, and how hard a decision it was for her. It's not easy to admit you were wrong, that something you defended with an undying conviction ended up blowing up in your face. But the future would be much more bleak if stubbornness gets in the way of choosing what appears to be the best path. Yes, now it's hard, but when it's all said and done, I'm sure it'll prove to be the right call. Cosima needs someone who will, no matter what, show her unwavering support regardless of how many times she falls on her face. And while I wish I could say I would always provide that, no one knows what the future holds. She needs family.
We're nearly finished when the door opens and Dr. Ford comes in. I notice a small smile when her eyes find Cosima at her desk, leaning over the microscope, but it immediately vanishes when she sees me watching her.
"Happy to notice you decided to join us, Cosima," she says, taking a few steps in the direction of Cosima's station.
Cosima looks up and slides down the glasses from her forehead until they rest on the bridge of her nose. "I've been sick," she says defensively. "Didn't you get my message?"
"I did," Dr. Ford nods. "But considering your many absences I wasn't sure when you'd return."
Cosima's lips form a thin line as she hums. "Yeah, yeah... Sorry about that," she tries not to stir up the conversation. "I promise not to disappear again."
"Good!" The older woman says. "Because if you do, you better start looking for another advisor."
Even from my spot on the other side of the lab I can see Cosima swallow dryly while she vigorously nods her head. I turn my head away, hiding the small smirk on my lips, not because I'm glad about the scolding she's being submitted to, I don't even think she deserves it this time, but because I feel a slight satisfaction in seeing her cockiness being taken down a peg. They discuss the progress of her work as I finish my own for today, not escaping my own inspection from Dr. Ford before I'm allowed to put it away.
We walk outside together and Cosima's nervousness from before returns with renewed strength now that she has nothing else to focus on. Her gestures, usually fluid, are tense, restrained, and she remains quiet, even if I sense her glance at me several times.
When we reach outside I pull her to me, my hands raise to her cheeks and make her look me in the eyes. "It will be okay," I say softly but with conviction.
She nods a few times. "Okay..." she smiles weakly.
"It will," I assure her, not allowing her to lower her head when she tries. "And if not... then we'll deal with it, okay?"
Cosima's smile grows and her eyes regain her usual captivating glint. "When did you become such a badass?"
I chuckle and press my lips to hers. "Please... I was always a badass."
I feel her laughter brush the skin of my neck where she hides her face when I pull her for a hug, her arms slipping around my waist. "Something tells me I shouldn't dispute that," she comments in a lighter voice.
Light steps guide me home, my mind feeling more rested than I remember in months, the prospect of seeing an end to the rollercoaster my life has been for so long brings a permanent smile to my lips. And this is probably very obvious, judging by Olivia's reaction when I arrive home.
"Where's your lover?" She asks in a mocking tone the moment I close the front door.
"She's taking care of business," I answer, shedding my coat and hanging it on the hook.
"Shit! Don't tell me she's about to waste Kate."
I laugh and shake my head. "No, she's trying to fix her problems with her father." I move to sit on the corner of the couch that my friend has freed for me, pulling one leg up and turn on my side to face her. "Kate will have to wait."
"And then she'll take care of Kate," she states with certainty. "Got it!" She finishes with what I assume is a conspiratorial wink.
"Non..." I continue to laugh. "Then we're going to Kate's place and get her things."
"Oh... Oh..." Olivia's eyes double in size. "When is that? And should I bring my baseball bat?"
"We don't know yet," I answer, "and when I said we, I meant Cosima and I."
"I can't believe I'm not invited to that party," my roommate's expression drops.
"It's not really a party," I say, getting up and searching my purse for a cigarette. "And the fact that you see it as such is exactly the reason why you can't come." I light a cigarette and take a long drag. "Since when do you own a baseball bat anyway?" I ask expelling a column of smoke.
"I don't," she's smiling again. "But they are easy to acquire."
"I don't think that'll be necessary. We're going when Kate's not there... or we hope she isn't."
"Hmm... A stealth mission..." Olivia jokes, her eyes narrowing with mischief. "I can totally dig that."
"No, you can't. You're not coming!" I firmly point out.
"Hey, c'mon!" She complains. "If you are going when Kate isn't there, how much damage can I do? Besides, I can talk with Sylvia and she can come too, bring her car. I'm sure you can use the extra room, or does Cosima plan to carry all her crap on that shitty scooter of hers?"
I'm biting my lower lip the entire time as I consider my friend's proposal. She does have a point; we can definitely use another car.
"Jen's coming with us and she has a car," still I'm reluctant to let my reckless roommate join us.
"Two is better than one," Olivia insists, and once more, she's not wrong. "Think about it... This way we can get everything in only one trip."
I sigh deeply, knowing that, despite my feelings about it, Olivia is making perfect sense. "Talk with Cosima when she arrives," I finally give up. "If she agrees with you..." I throw my hands up in defeat.
I know I should feel very nervous about the huge grin my friend gives me. I have no doubts she means well and that she really wants to help, but I know that she was not exactly satisfied with the way her furtive encounter with Kate ended when they met at the bar months ago. Hopefully their paths won't cross again and we'll manage to get Cosima's things without running into Kate, however I'll prepare for the worse. If there's anything these last few months have taught me is that everything that can go wrong, eventually does.
