49: Never Again

"When I lost," I paused for a second and tried to think of how I should say it. When I lost my family? When I lost everyone I loved? When I lost the very people who made my life worth living? Too harsh; I needed to ease into this. I needed to get through this without making him shut down. "When all this started, I could barely sleep." There. That was a good start. Plain old fact. Sleeping problems are common ground that I can work from. I look over at him while still scanning the forest but I could tell he was listening to me. I continued, "It helped a bit, being foggy. It was like the longer I stayed awake the more chance there was that when I woke up it would all be a dream." I saw a slight nod from the corner of my eye. That was the place he was in, still hoping, still wishing that he'd wake up. I couldn't help but feel for him, "I never really talked about it to anyone, you know. By the time I saw another living person I, I had already put it away."

He didn't say anything for a few minutes. Instead he took a machete to a nearby deadie. I had begun to think I'd said something wrong when he'd wiped off the blade he turned to me, "How long did it take?"

If I were him I'd be asking the same thing. The pain of grief was a marathon, and who wouldn't want to see a finish line even if it was far. "I won't lie to you," I leaned against a tree, "Sometimes I still feel it." I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but stuff like this I couldn't lie about. If I was going to talk to him about this I was going to be honest. "You get used to it in stages though, I think. It gets easier and easier to hide and manage." A walker came wandering by and he hacked at it for a while before I started up again. "First part is the worst, but I think you've passed that. It was just the first day for me. General mental mayhem, you know? For me it was tears, and lots of begging. It doesn't get easier for a while, it just hangs there. I think that's normal. Ignoring it is what I did. It's easier to push it off and focus on something else, anything else, just to get through it. It's like back then I wasn't thinking about it, but at the same time I was processing it. Can't do that forever though, but there's no use rushing it. Eventually, and you'll know when you're ready, I know I did, just had to face it and try to find whatever I could in it." Blunt sincerity. Nothing more, nothing less.

"What did you find?" he looked up at me from a few yards away.

I wanted to be reassuring. I wanted to say I found sunshine and bunnies. I wanted to say that I found completeness. But I just couldn't. "I found a lot; I find more every day." I pushed off the tree and lazily walked closer to him, my foster father, my broken friend, "I got over two decades with them, I spent my brother's whole lifetime knowing him, loving him." I had to stop for a second and think of them. The way Mama was always fussing, the way Papa gave that smile of his like he knew something no one else did, the way Joey, the way Joey just was. "I could say that they are still with me, but it wouldn't be the whole truth. Sometimes I feel them, or I remember something and I'm back there, but that's just scraps compared to the truth. The real truth." I stared at him for a few seconds. The real truth, what I really found at the end of it, that one thing I didn't tell anyone because admitting it might make me a freak. Maybe it would help if he knew I was a freak, "I can tell you, if you want me to."

"It won't help," his voice was empty as he stood up and brushed himself off.

"It's not supposed to." I pictured their faces in my mind, "All that time we got, all those moments… maybe all of it was enough."

-o0o-

The worst part of dinner that night was that Carol was holding Judith. The best part was that Judith hated it. No matter how much she coddled her or hummed to her the baby wouldn't stop squirming and trying to get free. I couldn't keep myself from smiling. I loved that child. There was something about something so new in a world that had stopped turning that I couldn't resist. And knowing was a bit of Lori, my lost friend, that made her even more special to me. I think that was why Judith wanted me to hold her and not Carol. Carol, having lost her own daughter, had this air about her almost as if she was trying to take over as her mother. I think it was all of the fussing; mothers love to fuss. I wasn't like that. I knew I'd never be Judith's mom and I really didn't want to be. What I wanted was to protect her, to be her friend and make her smile if I could.

Carl looked across the table at me, "Can you read to us again tonight?"

"I'm afraid not, buddy, I have some stuff I've gotta do," a gave a small smile to combat his disgruntled expression, "But I'm sure your dad will." I looked at Rick who was quietly eating his food; he had just finished talking to his group picks for helping haul supplies tomorrow. He nodded.

"What do you have to do?" I didn't really have to do anything, but I did have something I wanted to do. I wanted to have a chance to think. Plus, I wanted Rick to get some time alone with his kids. It made sense to back off a little now that things had mellowed.

I gulped down the nasty mush, "I just have to do some thinking, but I promise to read to you extra tomorrow, yeah?" He nodded, unable to hide his displeasure, but he would deal with it. Once I finished my food I cleaned my plate and went up to my cell to grab my things for the watch shift before heading outside. I liked the routine I was forming, but I didn't have to be up there for a few hours. I figured it would be nice to get some fresh air, get some time to sort through some of the chaos in my mind. I zipped up my hoodie as I exited the building and saw Michonne sitting on the table across the yard.

I jogged over and plopped down beside her, "Where did you come from before this?"

"I told you," I loved the sound of her voice. It was strong and had this calming affect. I wish my voice was like that. It might have been before the bite, but it seemed like ever since then I'd become a little less sure.

"I mean right before this," I clarified. It had been bugging me since I found out about her wound and it was time I found out. "Someone shot you, so you must've been somewhere."

"Woodbury." My heart stopped for a few beats as I thought of the map in my car. The map with a big X covering the town of Woodbury.

"I've heard about that place," I disguised my shock.

She shifted slightly, but didn't look at me. "What did you hear?" Riley and Michonne were almost completely dissimilar, except the fact that they were essentially the same person to me. Even the way they worded things was the same.

I quickly responded, "Not to go there." We sat for a while before my curiosity got the better of me, "What's wrong with it?"

"Fella who runs it is crazy," I could feel the rage emitting from her every fiber, "Calls himself the Governor."

"How many?" Simple question. Tactical question. From her body language it was a touchy subject, and I didn't want to offend her. Curiosity wasn't worth losing my confidant.

"Probably over a hundred? Maybe less." A hundred? A whole town untouched by this? That big of a group was unheard of.

I didn't hide the surprised inflection this time, "And you made it out alive?"

"Most of them can't defend themselves, just normal townspeople," I noticed her hold on her sword tighten, "Only a handful of fighters, and they aren't exactly soldiers."

The question still loomed, "And they shot you?"

"Wanted to leave," there was a slight laugh to her tone, "They didn't like that much, sent this one-handed hick after me."

One-handed hick? I looked up at the guard tower. Merle, Daryl's brother. A one-handed hick. I doubt there are a large number of those roaming around these days, or even before all of this. It was probably him. I couldn't fight the smile from crossing my lips. If we were still friendly I would have ran up and told him that very second, but we aren't, so I remained beside Michonne. He abandoned me; I owe him nothing. I looked back to her, "Think they are still looking for you?"

Still the laughing tone, "Not if they have any brains."

"Good," I tapped the rifle that slung from my right shoulder, "Cause if they came after you they wouldn't get far."

"Might if this thing doesn't heal," she rubbed her knee. I'd have to check on that the next chance I got. Maybe I could help. I mean, I've been shot and I'm fine now. Fine. Well, maybe fine wasn't the right word. Alive.

"They'd have to get through me first," I patted her shoulder.

In the moonlight I could see her smile, "Then I guess I have nothing to worry about." More silence followed and we just stared over the fields and up at the sky. "You aren't reading to those kids."

I shrugged, "Wanted to get some air, see the stars."

She turned to study me, just like Riley had done so many times, "Why do you look at them like that?"

"Like what?" She glared at me. I knew exactly what she meant. I knew that she could see it, but this was something just between Joey and me. He was the soft starlight. I wanted to keep that locked up. For Annie's eyes only. "I guess they just mean something to me," I looked back up, "It's like I feel so small and insignificant, but I don't feel so alone."

She might have understood me, but if she did she didn't push me about it. She just stood up and slid the katana over her head, "Best get myself some sleep."

I sat there for another half hour, just staring up and thinking, until the graves caught my eye. I hadn't been over there yet; I hadn't properly paid my respects. I guess now was as good a time as any. I took my time walking over there. Small steps and deep thoughts about the two people I should have been around to protect. The grave markers just stood there, reminding me that I'd let them down. Reminding me that I'd lost two friends.

"I have a story to tell you, Theodore." I crouched down, taking a seat beside the markers, "I think you'll like it." I pulled my knees up to my chest, "A couple days before I turned 21 my friend Amanda convinced me to drive all the way to Miami so we could properly celebrate. The drive was miserable, but when we got there it was worth it. Beautiful people, beautiful beaches, everything was over the top. We got this disgusting little motel room; it was all we could afford. We loved it regardless. I think we loved just being on vacation, but those things blur. The first day we went to the beach to go swimming, and I shit you not, once we got out into the water I saw a fin. It was all pointy and menacing looking. I don't know what you'd do if you saw a dorsal fin in the water you were swimming in, but I got the hell out of their and didn't stop until I was well away from the shoreline. Started yelling 'Shark' and everything, too. The lifeguard calmed everyone down and came over to me, and he said this exact phrase, 'Chill, it's just a dolphin.' It was so embarrassing, I wouldn't go back to the beach after that." I laughed for a bit, but it wasn't full. It was an echo of what would have been if I'd gotten to actually tell him, "I know we didn't know each other very well, but I wish you were still around."

"Lori," I looked at the other cross, "I'll teach Judith what you taught me back at the house. I'll keep her and Carl safe, and Rick, too. Even if it means the worst for me. I promise you that I'll keep them safe. I wish," I pulled my legs closer as the hints of tears invaded my vision, "I wish we could switch. I wish I was gone and you could still be with them. I wish for that every time I look at them. If I could go back I would make that happen, I swear." I caught a scent in the breeze and for a moment I felt hungry. No. Not now. Not anymore. I pushed it away, but the turn in my stomach brought a lightness to my head.

"So you're a pathetic martyr now?"

That voice. That snide voice. "What are you doing here, Johnny?" I looked up at him.

"Don't ask me, it's your imagination," he raised his hands, "You always were a bit unhinged."

I gave a sarcastic laugh, "That's rich coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" the characteristic sneer in his voice. How did I ever fall for him?

"I mean you were insane," I sighed, "You constantly needed to control me, and when you weren't yelling at me about something you were manipulating me."

He shot me a smile, "So?"

"That's not exactly healthy."

He let out a loud cackle, "And talking to dead exes is?"

I shrugged. He did have a point. Wait, "Why are you even here?"

"I don't know," he stood in front of me, "Need to talk about something?"

I looked at him for a moment. He looked the same as when I'd last seen him; he was like a photograph. Just a two-dimensional image of someone who I'd stopped caring about a long time ago, "I guess so."

"Go for it."

"I think I know where Daryl's brother is."

"That fucker that you slept with?" his familiar fume was back, "That's what you need me here for? Talking about some other guy you love?" It was strange to see him pacing back and forth in the moonlight. He looked so real then. The jealousy, the rage, it just like when we were together. "You know he doesn't love you, right? I loved you."

I couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes, "No you didn't."

"I told you all the time."

I shook my head at him. I remembered. When he said love it was just another way to control me. One more trick up his sleeve. I saw through his bullshit, "Saying it doesn't make it so."

"Whatever, then I guess I didn't love you. But he," he pointed up to the guard tower, "He doesn't either."

"I'm not arguing with you there." It was true. Whatever had or hadn't happened in the past was proof of that fact. Maybe he had cared, maybe. But that's all past tense now.

"Then what's the problem."

"I know where his brother might be, but I don't know if I should tell him."

"So, he can abandon you and you'll still talk to him, but when I cling a little too tight you cut me off?"

I waved him off, "You did more than cling too tight."

"Fine, but he still abandoned you," he sat down next to me, "I mean, he won't even talk to you."

"I knew what I was getting into, so it doesn't really matter to me. I'm more than fine," I repeated to him what I'd been repeating to myself since he'd left my old house.

"I'm part of your imagination, you can't lie to me."

I looked over to him, "I'm mad about it, happy?"

He smiled, "Then don't tell him."

"I'm not even sure it's Merle anyways."

He leaned back on his hands and looked at the sky with me, "Remember what you said to me when we broke up?" I nodded slightly. I remembered it still, even if it was hazy. I hadn't really thought of him for years. "Never again."

That's all he said, then he was gone. Disappeared into the scenery like the apparition he was. He was right, wasn't he? I had resolved to never let a man drag me down again, but here I was letting it happen all over again. Never again. I needed to make up for that. I needed to make up for the seconds I'd spent thinking of someone who didn't care. He didn't need to know about the one-handed man that shot Michonne. He didn't need any words from me. I stood up and made my way to the watchtower to take over. And just like that some of my worries were gone.

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