Chapter 45: Morning after
Alice's eyes fluttered open, but her vision was hazy, and awareness came even slower. But gradually, the events of the previous day trickled back to her, and gained momentum until a sudden realisation broke upon her like the crashing of a wave on a stormy shore.
With a gasp she sat up, blinking in the light that filtered through the material of her tent.
"Good morning." Chuckled a musical voice, sounding darkly amused by her reaction.
Her vision had been hazy because she had been sleeping with one cheek pressed up against the luxurious fur of a certain elf's chest. Heat rose in her face as looked down at him, languidly lying propped up on one elbow, his body angled towards her. Underneath the quilted blanket, their legs were still tangled together.
Blödhgarm was watching her with amusement as she took all of this in, but she didn't miss the sharpness in his eyes, a wariness there. Even now, he was afraid she would send him away after what he'd done.
She forced herself to relax, and managed a small smile. "Good morning," she murmured shyly, and collapsed back onto the pillow with a sigh. She looked at the fluttering ceiling of the tent and brushed her messy hair back from her face. "What time is it?" she glanced back at him, and saw the wariness had vanished from his eyes at her words, and instead... She gulped.
His face split into an elated grin, showing his terrifying teeth, but the subtle difference of the softness in his eyes changed the expression from frightening to something which made her stomach flip over for an entirely different reason. His eyes ran hungrily over her face, as if to memorize her features. Drawn like a magnet, he abandoned whatever restraint had held him back while she slept, and in a quick motion he had snaked an arm around her waist, and buried his face in her neck.
"Blödhgarm!" exclaimed Alice, colour rising again at his antics. She tried unsuccessfully to free herself, but he was too large and strong, and she gave up quickly.
"M'sorry," he murmured in a perfectly unapologetic tone, and, shifting even closer, he started trailing light kisses up and down her neck.
She tried to rally her thoughts, without success, distracted by his scent and warmth. She was starting to forget why she wanted this to end.
"Blödhgarm," she said breathlessly at last.
"Mm," he replied absently, now tracing the line of her jaw with his lips.
"… I'm hungry."
She'd picked the right words. She waited as his protective instincts warred with his desire. He stilled, and then pulled back from her, a determined expression on his face. "Then you must eat." He said decisively, and threw back the quilt blanket, rising swiftly. Alice felt a small shiver and a sense of loss as his warmth left her side, but she tried not to dwell on it. She was, after all, very hungry. She followed him out of the bed, swinging her bare legs over the side. Her thin shift was cold, so she stepped over to the chest which held her clothes and pulled out a dressing gown.
He strode away from her and stopped at her desk, where a loaded tray of food and drink was sitting.
"When did that get here?" Alice asked in surprise, pulling the gown on with relief. She felt more modest and safer with her bare arms and legs covered, especially after Blödhgarm's - not wholly unwelcome - indiscretions just a minute earlier.
"Dawn, this morning." He replied, pouring her a goblet of watered-down wine. "And in reply to your earlier question, it is now one hour before midday."
She blanched. "What? Why didn't you wake me? I have to-" an even more frightening thought occurred to her. "Who brought the food?"
"Calm down." He said, and chuckled at her anxious expression. He seemed more cheerful than she'd ever seen him this morning. "Marco brought the tray, and he seemed to take it in his stride when I accepted it at the entrance."
Alice groaned and rubbed her face, thinking what Margery and Coram and the rest of the Varden would have to say if they found out. Or Jethram…! She trusted Marco to keep his mouth shut, but if anyone else had seen…
"Is it really so bad for your people to know about this?" Blödhgarm asked her, a small frown creasing his forehead for the first time that morning. He handed her the goblet of wine.
She took a grateful sip before replying. "Yes. You said you were watching yesterday, so you must have heard what rubbish that infuriating woman was saying?"
"I did."
"Well, that is just a taste of how the rest of the Varden will react. Human society is very hard on those who do not conform to traditional views on marriage, love… and especially sex." Though she wasn't a stranger to talking about sex - she was a healer and often spoke with woman on the subject - this was Blödhgarm, and the words felt awkward on her tongue.
He seemed to have no such qualms. "Well, we haven't had sex yet," he said matter-of-factly, "So therefore we've broken none of your culture's taboos."
Alice choked on a sip of her wine at "yet", but tried to continue speaking normally as if it meant nothing. "Yes, but we don't speak in the ancient language. Everything is about perception, not reality."
He seemed thoughtful after this, realising at last the situation she was in.
While he mulled it over, she went to her desk and sat down in her chair. Marco had brought fruit, bread, cheese and some boiled eggs, conforming to her vegetarian diet, and she tucked in with alacrity.
"There's no need to rush," Blödhgarm said mildly as he sat down on the edge of her bed, "Lady Nasuada has given the rulers of Belatona until nightfall to surrender- the battle was called off until then. No messengers have arrived calling you back to the healing tents, so I assume they are managing just fine without you, for once."
Alice slowed down as he spoke, relaxing in relief. "Mm, that," she said darkly around a bite of cheese, "Or Margery has led a mutiny and ousted me in my absence."
He laughed at that. "Then you can join me on the fringes of society," he said, "And we can be outcasts from our peoples together."
Alice felt a slight shiver at his words, as if she'd heard some premonition of the future. But she shrugged it off and continued eating. She was done worrying about the future. It could take care of itself.
"So," she said instead, "We need to talk about what happened." From her serious tone it was clear what she was referring to.
The laughter faded from his eyes and guilt crept into its place. "Yes." He said softly, "We need to talk about that."
Alice waited patiently, peeling an orange with slow fingers.
"There's something you have to understand about elvish relationships first," he said haltingly.
"Go on." She prompted.
"Elves are not slaves to tradition as much as humans are, but that doesn't make things simpler. Instead, we are slaves to our natures, and though we seem changeable and capricious to the other races, in truth our characters are less flexible. We feel deeply, and there is no room left for hesitation or ambiguity."
Alice nodded, eyes wide. This made a lot of sense, even though her experience of elves was limited.
He seemed even more hesitant to continue. "When we take a mate," he started slowly, "It is never an easy decision. For some, they are content with a casual relationship, and may even share their partners with others. For most, though, the devotion to their mates during the relationship borders on obsession. We do not share, and we do not hide anything."
Alice opened her mouth to ask a question, but Blödhgarm raised a hand, stalling her words. "Please, let me explain further." She nodded. "For this reason, I did not want to take you as my mate, until you understood what that means." He said.
Alice blinked at the word "take".
He swallowed. "It has been… difficult… to restrain myself, but I was resolved to do it. You are human, and deserved to be courted according to your culture."
Oh, this is you being "restrained", is it? Thought Alice dryly, but she didn't interrupt.
"However, yesterday morning, you ignored me, then you avoided my questions and refused to trust me with your secrets." He shook his head quickly at her scowl, "I don't care about that anymore." She read only regret in his eyes, and nodded. "The last straw, however, was when you told me you were leaving, and that you were thinking of taking Coram with you." Even now, his tone sparked with anger when speaking of him. "I couldn't control myself." His eyes became tortured. "It wasn't your fault, and it is inexcusable that I frightened you like that. I wish I could say that I wouldn't have hurt you if you didn't strike me first, but-" he shrugged helplessly. "In elvish relationships, we don't need to hold back. Males and females are equally strong, physically - I forgot, in my anger, that you lack the means to defend yourself."
Alice felt very calm as she thought about everything he'd said. He was a creature of instinct, and his instincts had taken over. He hadn't wanted to lose her. "So then you left, because you were afraid."
He nodded. "I looked at you, after you brought me back to my senses, and all I could see was anger and fear in your face. I thought you would say that this-" he gestured between them, "Is over. I couldn't face that."
Alice shook her head. "I was afraid," she admitted, "But I'm more afraid of losing you."
He looked relieved, but still troubled, "Even after I almost-?"
"But you didn't," interrupted Alice firmly. She got up and sat down next to him on the bed. She took his large, calloused hand in her own and traced his scars absently, "We both have a lot to learn about each other. If I had known, I wouldn't have made you feel like that."
"This wasn't your fault, Alice," he said in a low, furious voice. His hands tightened on hers. "It is no wonder you do not trust me, when I have given you no reason to."
Alice's eyes widened. "You- I don't…" she took a breath. "Blödhgarm," she said firmly, "You need to stop fixating on my secrets. Trust is not the issue - I trust you with my life. These secrets… the reason I don't tell you everything is because of my own weakness, not yours." She hesitated, and then said carefully in the ancient language, "I'm not brave enough to tell you everything."
At her words some of his tenseness left his shoulders, and he drew her into a warm embrace, resting his head on hers. "Ah, Naihnen, and will you find your courage?" Naihnen, meaning "Bright one", was pronounced with a curious lilt.
"Nai-innen…" she murmured to herself, trying out the name, "I hope so." She replied softly, "Oneday." She relished the feeling of his solid warmth against her cheek, and sighed.
"What is it?" he asked, without removing his embrace.
She liked the way his voice rumbled in his chest, a light yet musical baritone. "I wish we could stay like this forever." She murmured, burying her face in his chest.
He was silent, troubled by the sadness in her voice, and his own fears that he was not yet able to admit. He stroked her hair, which felt as soft as strands of gossamer under his calloused hands. She was a study in opposites. Stronger than him, yet so fragile… So perfectly imperfect, yet a purer soul he had not met…
They remained in their embrace, neither wishing to break their newfound closeness. It felt right, being like this. There was still much to learn about each other, and yet every argument served to make them closer.
Alice chuckled.
"What?" asked Blodhgarm, releasing her to look at her expression.
She smiled. "We make a strange pair, don't we?"
"In what way?" he said drily, "Is it the fact that we're different races, or the age difference… or perhaps because you are short-"
"I'm not short!" exclaimed Alice, folding her arms and looking unimpressed.
He grinned and just looked at her pouting at him, and the unadulterated adoration in his eyes made a pleasant warmth flood her face. "You are to me."
"I'm considered tall enough among humans, I'll have you know." She muttered, fighting the blush stealing across her face.
"I see." The intensity of his happy expression was starting to dazzle her, so she got up and got herself a goblet of watered-down wine before she lost her senses completely.
"Anyway, I was actually talking about the fact that we hardly go about settling our differences in ordinary ways," Alice said, and glancing at Blodhgarm she saw the expression of guilt flickering across his face again.
"You heard what I said to that old crone, Margery, yesterday, right?" she waited until he'd nodded. "I know you're dangerous… but I'm dangerous too." She smiled at him sweetly. "So the next time I feel threatened, don't expect to get off with just a slap."
Blodhgarm took one look at her innocent smile and nodded slowly. Underestimating Alice was not a mistake to be repeated. For a moment the previous day, he'd actually thought she was going to curse that healer – her magic had been crackling around her with the intent to do harm. He resolved never to be on the receiving end of her magic when she was being serious.
"It won't happen again." He said hastily.
She looked at him side-long, and sighed. "That's not a promise you can make, is it? I can't change my nature, any more than you can yours, after all. We've certainly not had our last argument, that's for sure."
He sighed as well. "You're probably right."
Alice smiled at him, "It's not usually a bad thing, though. I enjoy our… lively debates."
He laughed at that. "We only argue so much because you're a bad loser." He teased.
She stuck her tongue out at him. "And you can't admit you're wrong!"
"That's not true!" he protested, laughing.
"You have to argue about everything!"
"I do not."
"You're arguing right now!"
"A statement of truth is not an argument." He said mulishly, but there was still that teasing spark in his eyes.
Alice rolled her eyes but didn't deign to respond. She drained her goblet and then looked at herself critically in the small mirror by her wash-basin. There were still dark circles under her eyes, but they weren't half as bad as they'd been the previous day – she looked tired, not on the verge of keeling over. It would have to do. To business, then.
"Blodhgarm," she said, turning to face him, "Would you please accompany me to Morzan's estates after the battle of Belatona?"
"You're sure?"
"I'm sure."
His face relaxed into a broad grin, "Then, I would be honoured to accompany you."
"Good. Now, you need to give me some space so I can get cleaned up and change my clothes."
He rose fluidly to his feet. "As you wish. I won't be far, if you want me."
She watched him go with a small sigh of regret. When don't I want you? She thought ruefully to herself, and then chided herself for having such improper thoughts.
A short while later…
Alice emerged from her tent with a refreshed sense of purpose, and strode directly to the healing tents. She only had to ask for directions in the sprawling camp twice, but it was relatively close by her tent. She considered moving her quarters to the healing offices entirely – it would make things easy to control from there.
The healing tents were in slightly better condition than she'd left them in the previous day; her efforts at restructuring the organisation of healers and their assistants were bearing fruit. They no longer required her for every crisis, and for that she was glad. But it was true that she'd been neglecting her duties, purely because she'd been too busy or tired. Now that they'd made camp at last and were laying siege to Belatona, she needed to be on call and available constantly, or the chaos could cost lives.
With this in mind she strode briskly into the first tent, pushing up her sleeves. Her entrance attracted some startled looks from staff and patients alike, some of whom started muttering. She even spied Margery at the back of the tent, whose mouth tightened though the woman had the good sense to keep her opinion to herself, for once in her life.
Her nostrils flared. It seemed news of her outburst the previous day had spread quickly.
Alice. Blodhgarm's mental response to her questing mind-touch was immediate and natural. He hadn't lied when he'd said he'd be close by.
Come in here for a moment.
Surprise registered through their mental link. Are you sure? They-
I need to make a point.
If he resented being used to make a point, he didn't say anything, picking up on her state of mind, and approached quickly. Within about fifteen seconds he entered the tent on light feet, stopping at her elbow.
She turned to him an arched one eyebrow rather imperiously. He bit down a laugh. It seemed she was in full nobility-mode - her posture was impeccable.
"Would you mind accompanying me on my rounds, Blödhgarm?" she asked, her cool tone carrying around the tent in the sudden hush.
He inclined his head, showing the tips of his teeth in a wicked smile. But his voice was similarly composed, "As you wish, Lady Alice. As always, I am at your service."
The corner of her mouth twitched, as it always did when he imitated Coram's lordly ways. She knew him well enough to know when he was being facetious.
Blödhgarm followed her as she walked through the tents, stopping at each wounded soldier's bedside to assess the state of their injuries. Her knowledge of healing was unrivalled, and her expert hand was quick to set bones and rebind wounds, driving out infection and soothing pain with the lightest touch. In addition, her personal interest in each soldier brightened their war-dulled eyes. Though at first the patients and healing staff seemed thrown off by his presence - either fear or downright suspicion from the men, and awe and admiration from many of the younger healer women - they soon felt reassured by Alice's brisk and authoritative manner.
Changing from one tent to another, they abruptly came face-to-face with Margery. In the face of Alice's challenging glare, however, she only managed a disapproving huff before stalking by. As she passed, Blödhgarm's yellow eyes followed her, narrowing maliciously, and when she glanced back, his mouth twitched, baring his teeth slightly. He would never forgive her for upsetting Alice like that… She went the colour of sour milk at the uncanny display and scurried off, looking more disapproving than ever.
"You shouldn't do that," sighed Alice, raising an eyebrow at him over her shoulder.
He schooled his face into a mask of polite detachment. "I don't know what you mean."
"Hm." Alice gave a reluctant chuckle, "I think we should speak in the ancient language more often, if only to curb your sarcasm."
"But it's the only good thing about this clumsy language." He quipped back instantly.
Alice was spared a reply by Marco, who appeared from around a corner and then skidded to a halt, hurriedly bowing. "Lady Alice."
"Yes, Marco?"
"I have a message from Lady Nasuada," he replied promptly, "The war council is gathering at her tent, and you and-" he glanced at Blödhgarm, who smiled again, showing his teeth in a friendly smile that was no doubt terrifying, "- eh, Lord Blödhgarm's presence is requested."
"It's just Blödhgarm." He said with a chuckle, and turned to Alice, who wore a serious expression. "Shall we?"
She nodded. "I hate war." She sighed, and put down her healer's basket. "But let's go."
Author's note:
Sorry about the shortness of this chapter! But I wanted to post something before you people expire out of impatience.
Rest assured, I am committed to finishing this fic! I just can't give any guarantees on update regularity at the moment.
Something exciting though:
I just wrote a really hectic chapter for the future! Here's a teaser, cause I'm excited about it:
Blödhgarm's feelings about potentially losing Alice are inspired by: Silver Coin - Angus & Julia Stone. Look it up! Yes, things are going to get pretty heavy… but there's good stuff on the horizon, too! Look forward to it :)
