I sighed, contemplating the past few weeks.

After that mission with the herbs, a couple of weeks ago, Gaara had seemed to avoid me, which hurt more than I wanted to admit. I now knew how he had felt when I had avoided him after he had almost kissed me, sort of pissed off, hurt, confused, and just kind of … out of it. I could only think that it was because of me that Shukaku had come out, and that that had upset Gaara, which I didn't really blame him for.

Of course the awkwardness of the next morning might have something to do with it too. I hadn't thought everything through, and when it came to getting out of the pools and putting our clothes back on, I realized that we couldn't do it the same way we had taken them off, unless we wanted them to get wet again.

He had gone first, and I had turned my back to give him some privacy, though I hadn't turned quite quickly enough, because I had caught a glimpse of him as he pulled himself out of the pool, dripping wet, pale, all muscle, and from the brief impression I had gotten, hot enough that looking directly at him would give me a sunburn. I suspected seeing him fully nude would have made my cheeks permanently red for days afterwards. Even now, just thinking about it had me turning red.

He had politely and quietly left, giving me privacy to do the same. I couldn't help but wonder if he had snuck a peek from around the wall as I repeated the actions, pulling myself from the pool, wet and mostly naked, before scrambling to put my clothes on as fast as possible. But he probably hadn't, after all, why would he? He wasn't interested in me, in the way I was with him.

The trip back had been tedious, but smoother, and we had gotten home much faster than it had taken us to get to the hot springs.

And then, once past the outer wall, he had disappeared into the village, and the past few weeks he had successfully avoided me.

It sucked.

But life went on. I received a new mission, and left to complete it. It was a longer mission this time; I was supposed to be the transit carrier for some super-important top-secret scrolls, and I was guarded, of course, by my twin team mates and now brothers. We would take one from the Suna council to the Village Hidden in the Mist.

We set off, running most of the way, my brothers huffing and puffing ridiculously, and unnecessarily next to me, obviously doing it on purpose to cheer me up. Naturally they knew I was in a funk, and spent the entire journey performing all sorts of antics to thoroughly distract me and try to draw me out of my depression. Their nonsense ranged from playing catch with random balls of moss off the trees as we ran, doing all sorts of acrobatics to catch them, an activity which quickly devolved into pinging the soft fuzzy balls off the sides and back of my head. Naturally I would sputter, shout something and go after whoever had committed the crime, and in the end we were all laughing as I tried to catch them.

At night I would fall asleep, and be plagued with nightmares drawn forth by my anxiety about Gaara's sudden absence in my life. Even despite the wind barriers that I would put up, it always seemed that when I woke up tearful and shivering, at least one of the twins was awake and would snuggle me closer in our shared tent, breaching my firmly set physical boundaries and forcing me to accept the warmth and comfort they provided.

The first time it was Hikaru, and he had hooked an arm rather gruffly around my shoulders and dragged me closer, tucking me close so he could rest his chin on the top of my head, and I could feel his warmth through the soft padding of our respective sleeping rolls sandwiched between us. Unused to the brotherly love I had protested, pathetically since I was all tearful and trembling, which had only succeeded in rousing Kaoru, who ended my fussing by scooting up on the other side and snuggling close to my back.

He kissed the back of my head and gave me a gentle squeeze, whispering soothingly, "Shhhh. It's okay Ren. Just go back to sleep."

I sniffled and gave a big huff, hiccupping as I did so, which made both twins make identical little chuckles of affection and amusement. I sighed and relented, knowing there wasn't any way out of this one, and actually enjoying the comfort provided, even if it felt a little strange to me.

They never commented on it, never made a big deal about it, and I was very grateful to them for that. That was one thing about the twins, they may be loud, boisterous, annoying pests usually, but they always knew when my emotions were too sensitive to tease me about something.

The trip passed quickly this way and soon we had reached our destination.

Once there, we gave the scroll to the Mizukage, who gave us another top-secret scroll to take to the Village Hidden in the Stones. We gave that scroll to the Tsuchikage, who naturally gave us yet another scroll to take back to the Village Hidden in the Mist. The Mizukage gave us another fucking scroll and we finally brought it back to Suna. The whole ordeal took three weeks, with very few stops for rest and recovery. By the end of it we were all bone tired and sick of scrolls.

We finally returned to the village, happy to be home. We took the scroll to the council and gave our report then went to our respective homes. Once in my apartment, I ate, took a shower, and went to bed.

And had a very strange dream.

I hadn't slept enough on the last part of the mission, mostly taking catnaps where I could, whenever we were in a travel wagon or on a boat. After the first scroll was delivered, the rank on our mission shot through the roof and the next three deliveries were done in quick succession, with no resting to speak of. As ninja we were trained to go for long periods without rest, only subsisting on short hour-long naps whenever absolutely necessary. This had been one of those missions, so this was really the first time I had slept deeply enough to dream in about two weeks.

I was in some dark space.

I could see nothing, only velvety blackness, and that made me nervous. I could sense that someone else was in the room with me. Their breathing was audible, but I couldn't see them, and when I called out to ask if anyone was there, I couldn't hear my own voice, and I heard no response. The nervousness and tension bubbling inside me increased, and I remained standing stiffly in place, unsure if a step in any direction would send me plummeting off a cliff.

And then, I felt someone behind me, the warmth of another body, close enough to radiate but not touch. Their warm breath puffed on my neck and the strange sensation gave me chills. Hands gently touched my shoulders and then stroked my hair and neck, petting me almost like a cat, and I suddenly understood why cats liked to be petted. It felt good, soothing, and I relaxed into the comforting touch, the tensions easing inside of me. I didn't know the person's identity, but somehow they felt familiar.

Everything was sort of fuzzy, indistinct, as somehow I realized that perhaps I didn't have any clothes on. It was oddly difficult to tell. I turned to face the person behind me, curious, but not afraid.

And then the world tilted abruptly, and suddenly I was lying down, with the other person next to me, and we were curled into each other, both on our sides I guess. I had my arms wrapped around him and his arms were around me, and our legs tangled together.

And though it would have been uncomfortable really, certainly one of our arms would have gone to sleep from being trapped under the other person, it felt perfectly comfortable in the dream, made perfect sense, almost as if we were weightless. I pushed my face against his neck, and I knew it was a him because of the way he felt against me. There were no breasts against my own, and his body felt more angular, not at all feminine.

I pressed my lips to his neck and felt his pulse beating against me, absorbing his scent, a very distinct spicy, warm, sandy sort of scent. Like the desert with a spiced sunset, and of course this made perfect sense, because of course he would smell like a warm desert full of spices.

His hands stroked down my back, pulling me close against him, and I snuggled even further into his embrace, sighing with contentment. His body was incredibly warm against my own, the heat stronger than any body temperature should be without a fever. The body heat should have made me hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, but instead I sunk into it, almost drunk with the lovely burning warmth as I rubbed my face against his neck and shoulders, stroking him with my cheeks and lips and chin in sideways sweeping motions, simply luxuriating in the ability to do so.

The dream lasted only so long though, and I woke with my face pressed into a pillow, hugging it to myself.

I felt keen disappointment, still half asleep and unable to really grasp what had happened, only knowing that the person that I loved had just been here, only to vanish, disappear with a dream. I whimpered and hugged the pillow harder, trying to bring him back, to convince myself that he was still here with me. But there was no body heat besides my own, and I was left to my own devises as I sobbed a little, crying into my pillow, which naturally I would intentionally forget doing once the morning came around. But at the time I was feeling everything too much, allowing myself to feel everything that I wouldn't normally.

And so I cried.

I woke the next morning with a pounding headache, wondering what the hell happened to make my head hurt so badly and my eyes so crusty and dry.

I groaned as snippets started coalescing in my brain, painting the pictures from the dream. "Damn it all to hell and back …." I muttered, knowing that those images and feelings wouldn't be leaving me anytime soon. It was probably because I hadn't seen Gaara in so long that I had had such a really fucking vivid dream, just my subconscious trying to get its Gaara fix in any way it could. It felt like I was an addict without my chemical of choice.

I groaned and dragged myself out of bed, making myself breakfast and slumping at the table to eat half-heartedly.

The door flew open, exposing me in all my morning post-dream glory, puffy eyes, crazy hair, practically naked…and I snarled at whoever had the audacity to disturb me. Naturally it was Temari, who pranced in as though this was perfectly normal behavior. Societally speaking, no. For her, Yes. Unfortunately.

"What the hell?" I growled, my voice still raspy from the night. I glared at her, daring her to tell me just what in the hell she thought she was doing.

"Well aren't you just little Miss Sunshine." She snipped at me, closing the door and joining at the table.

I heaved a sigh and thumped my head on the table, which unfortunately, I forgot had my breakfast on it currently, so I unintentionally did a face-plant into my cereal bowl. That woke me up fast, as I jerked back, sputtering and dripping milk, with a few random cereal bits dangling in my eyes, stuck in my bangs.

I stared wide eyed at Temari, who stared back, just as shocked. Neither of us were entirely sure what had just transpired. Then Temari busted out laughing, while I simply sat, still really out of it. Eventually, I started laughing too, unable to help myself at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Well, I guess I'm going to go take a shower now, be right back." I hustled off, eager to get the milk out of my hair before it started smelling strange. I felt better after taking a shower, deciding to put the dream out of my mind.

I walked back out into the living room, wearing just a t-shirt and my underwear, not particularly concerned about Temari seeing me in a state of undress, especially since the t-shirt was large, baggy, and covered my butt.

Of course, naturally my life was full of surprises, and when I rejoined her in the kitchen, I was greeted by not only her spiky blond head, but also the purple face paint of a certain puppeteer that I was not as comfortable being around in my current outfit. But to be perfectly honest, I kind of didn't give a shit, although I was a little ticked off by him barging in without knocking or asking permission. I already expected that from Temari and the twins, I didn't need another overly informal 'houseguest.'

I crossed my arms, cocked my hips, and squinted one eye, giving him a good stare as I tried to determine what to do about my new infestation. "Kankuro, what do you want? And for that matter, what do you want Temari?"

Temari just huffed a laugh, not put off in the least by my rudeness, used to it by now and expecting it this early in the morning. Kankuro on the other hand looked taken aback. Although I suppose that was more due to what I was wearing, or the lack thereof.

"W-what the…ahem…eh…uh hi there Ren." It wasn't like Kankuro to be timid, even having asked if my boobs had gotten bigger at one point in the past, so his stuttering amused me greatly.

"What's wrong with you makeup boy? You got a hangover or something?" I asked laughing, watching as his expression melted from shock to a sturdy scowl, never fond of me calling his face-paint makeup.

"It's not…!" He started loudly.

"Yeah, yeah I know. We've talked about it before." I waved my hand through the air, ignoring his sputtering protests as Temari laughed, rocking back and forth in her chair. "But seriously guys, what's with the impromptu visit? Is there something wrong?"

They both sobered and I immediately knew something was up. "Actually … we've been summoned, the two of us and you to the office for a mission." Temari answered my question seriously.

"Oh, then why didn't you say something?" I asked crankily, walking over to my dresser drawers and grabbing some clothes, partially bending to pick up a pair of pants from the floor, aware of my shirt creeping up the backs of my thighs a little. "Stop staring at my ass Kankuro." I said loudly, making an educated guess, which was confirmed when I heard his elbow collide with something loudly, with a painful sounding bang, followed by his curses and Temari guffawing loudly.

I went in the bathroom to put on my bandage chest wrap and pants, only to realize that I had forgotten my shirt in the living area. I finished tucking in the edges of my chest wrap, and sighed, shrugging, feeling satisfactorily covered to go fetch a shirt in front of the two knuckle-heads that currently invaded my personal space. I was comfortable enough around them that this sort of thing didn't bother me.

So I trotted back out into the living space with my pants on but no shirt, only the tightly wrapped bandages that went from my armpits, completely covered my breasts, and ended about halfway down my ribs. I still muttered a few curses though, irritated at having to go this way and that way to get dressed, much preferring to do it all in one place.

Grumbling to myself, I found the lonely shirt still lying neglected on my bed and snatched it up, ignoring the odd choking noises that sounded like they originated from Kankuro, assuming that he was just being weird and perverted as usual.

"Holy shit ..." he muttered

"What?" I asked, cocking a brow and turning to put my hands on my hips, daring him to tell me I couldn't walk around in my own damn apartment half dressed. I mean come on! They're the ones who barged in here without my permission; I can do anything I damn well want to!

His face wasn't particularly what I would have expected though, looking more disturbed than anything. I frowned, confused by his reaction. "What the hell happened?" he asked, looking perturbed.

"Huh?" I asked, totally confused now.

"Your back! It's all messed up!" He said, gesturing with a big sweep of his hand, indicating my whole back.

"Kankuro!" Temari hissed, at least having some small shred of decorum. She had seen me completely naked before after all. She knew exactly how far down my back those scars went, how the skin had been shredded starting from my shoulders and then dispersed into small white scars all the way down, nearly to my behind. And she had never mentioned it. I'm sure she even saw that nasty scar on my hip when she had bandaged me, again never saying anything. But Kankuro was a whole 'nother level of stupid.

I gritted my teeth, not particularly inclined to go over it. "It's not something I talk about. It happened a long time ago." I say with finality. Indicating that he should shut up with my eyes.

Naturally he was a dumbass. "No seriously …. It's like you were attacked by an evil cheese grater or something. And then what the fuck is up with that huge-ass chain-link scar? I mean damn! I know getting scars is part of being a ninja, but that is seriously fucked up shit there."

I heaved a sigh, rolling my eyes.

Surprisingly I didn't have the impulse to immediately strangle him, which would normally be my reaction to such a stupid question and statement. The honest concern and empathy in his voice, even if he was saying stupid shit, actually prevented me from being all that angry. It was as if he was acting all big brotherly and protective, like he wanted to go out and smack someone for hurting me. He looked angry and sad, and it was actually a little endearing.

I decided then, to do something I would normally never do. "Actually a cheese grater is about right." Thinking about it I actually chuckled, the idea of an evil cheese grater growing on me, perhaps I would use that explanation on anyone I didn't want to actually explain it to. "That's a good one. I might have to use it as an explanation someday."

Kankuro scrunched his face up a little, confused. Even Temari looked shocked. I suppose she expected me to attempt to murder her brother.

I sighed, continuing, "But no, it wasn't a cheese grater. It was a shit ton of glass." I shrugged, sort of attempting to make it seem like no big deal.

"Glass!?" Temari interjected, appalled and apparently over her silence on the subject, now that I had said something.

"Yep." I nodded, shrugging a little again.

"What the … I mean how?!" Was Kankuro's garbled response.

I sighed. I had already started, might as well give them a little more to go off. "Look, this isn't really something I'm comfortable talking about okay? So this is a one-time thing and I'm not going to go into the details." They both nodded seriously. "And besides that, we have a mission apparently, so we've gotta make this fast. It happened when I was a kid. Long story short, I ended up on the wrong side of a group of bullies and eventually ended up in a very crappy alleyway, with lots of broken bottles, flat on my back getting the shit beat out of me. The beating wasn't the problem, it was all the glass on the ground. That's what you see there. And actually that's the first time I met your little brother. We were both five at the time." Both their eyes got super wide and their jaws unhinged.

"Wait! Wait, wait, wait! You knew Gaara when you were both FIVE?!" Kankuro yelled, sounding utterly shocked out of his mind.

Temari said something similar, but it got all mixed up with what Kankuro said.

I smiled a little nostalgically, remembering my childhood friend. It had been a while since I had thought of him like that, all wrapped up in my unrequited love problem. We had been so innocent, had had such a pure relationship. It almost made me hurt to remember it, almost jealous of my younger self. How ridiculous was it, to be jealous of yourself in the past?

I sighed. "Yeah, I knew him. I've known him for a long time."

"But…when he was five?! I mean even we didn't really know him then! He was living with Uncle Yashamaru, away from the family because of his … emotional problems." Temari winced, obviously not liking to remember the way things used to be in their family.

Kankuro just nodded, agreeing with her. "Yeah until he … well … you know. And then he was living with us, but he was … well he wasn't really all there."

"This was before all that, several months before. He wasn't evil or anything, he was just … sad. Lonely. He just wanted someone to love him, someone to play with him and comfort him like any other child."

"Not with his sand…!" Kankuro started at the same time Temari said, "But what about Shukaku…!"

I interrupted, already knowing what they were going to say. "The sand wasn't under his control, I know that. But it only acted on his own feelings, his fears, his loneliness, his anger. It still does. And he was just a child! How in control of your emotions were you as a child Kankuro? Temari? Huh?! How many temper tantrums did you throw?"

They both fell silent.

"If, every time you got angry someone died, or got hurt, completely outside of your control, how would you feel? And then everyone feared him, and he had no one except his uncle, who turned out to be a dumbass." I growled, putting my hands on my hips aggressively.

I felt incredibly angry, and hurt, even knowing that they loved Gaara and accepted him now, it seemed as though they still remembered his childhood with a mix of fear and horror instead of understanding and sadness.

"He saved me! You wanted to know how I got these?!" I turned, showing my back again, tugging on one end of the wrappings around my chest to fully expose my back to them, holding the shirt I had been about to put on close to my breasts for modesties sake. I even pulled my pony tail out of the way and hooked a thumb in my pants, scooching them just low enough to see all of my back, but not any of my butt. They now had a full view of the ripped, torn, bumpy, disfigured mess that was my back.

It was something that I still had trouble looking at in a mirror.

Both of them hissed. Even though they had both seen it, they hadn't gotten the full unfettered view, and in good light. I got the feeling that the time Temari had seen it before; she had purposefully avoided looking at it too hard. That's what you typically do when there is something ugly on someone, you just let your eyes glide over it.

But now I was forcing them to look. I reached over a shoulder to touch the roughest surface on the backs of my shoulders. "This skin right here? Someone knelt on my shoulders, grinding me into the ground so hard that the glass nearly went into my bones."

I heard various choking sounds.

I continued, "There was another guy on my front, the leader of the little group, and he was punching me, over and over. He broke several ribs and my whole body was a mess of bruises. I passed out, and then the next thing I knew there was this wave of sand, nearly damn suffocated me with its weight. But it slid off of me, dragging the guy who was kneeling on me off, as well as the dumbass that was beating the snot out of me."

I heard them inhale sharply. "What happened to them?" Kankuro inquired, his normally brash voice quivering just a little.

"They died." I said flatly.

After a long pause Temari spoke up. "Then what? Did Gaara just leave you there or…?"

"No. He didn't just leave me there. You know that sand that you were talking about? The sand that had just squashed my attackers like a couple of bugs?" I chuckled, looking at them over my shoulder, gauging their reactions. They both looked very curious, and a little afraid. "The first time I met Gaara I was cradled in that sand. It held me as gently as if I were a baby bird or something."

I cupped one hand and looked down at my palm, almost imagining it, remembering the delicate touch, the way I had been so gently and carefully cradled. I could feel my eyes softening and a small smile appeared on my face, remembering it.

I looked back over my shoulder to see that once again their mouths were hanging open, and I simply smiled at them, no longer angry, soothed by the fond memory and allowing it to take me away from the anger.

I turned to them slightly, holding my cupped hand out a little for them to see. "Just like this, he held me, and then he tended to my wounds with some medicine he happened to have, and he used that dastardly sand again." I chuckled, just a little sarcastically, but gently teasing instead of angry this time.

I turned my back to them again and reach behind me to trace my fingers over the hundreds of tiny little star shaped wounds, indicating the thousands of shards of glass that had been embedded in my skin. "He used that evil sand to delicately pluck each and every little shard of glass that was imbedded into my flesh, getting every tiny piece, no matter how small, no matter how deep, spending probably hours doing so. There were thousands of shards. You can see for yourself. Imagine how many pieces of glass it would take for my skin to look like this. Imagine how long it took, how much time and effort, for your brother to painstakingly remove them all. And every time I flinched, he flinched. Every time I hissed in pain I could see him cringe. That is why I could never see him as a monster. Because, quite simply he isn't one, and he never has been. A monster would never have done that for a skin and bones, bloody and bruised, dirty orphan that they didn't know. A monster would have left me to die in that alleyway, or killed me themselves."

I bent, and matter-of-factly picked up my bandages and rewrapped my chest, doing so deftly and quickly in a matter of seconds, and put on my shirt. Then I turned back to my avid audience, who still looked shell shocked. "In answer to your second question, about the other scar, the long ropy one with the sections? That was caused by that long blue sword thing that Seimei wielded as a tail, when we were trying to rescue Gaara."

"Wait … seriously? Damn. No wonder you stayed down when he whacked you off that metal dome thing." Kankuro whistled.

"Actually no, that was the second time he got me. I was actually able to mostly block that one. It simply sent me flying, and winded me pretty good. This scar was from the first time he smacked me with the damn thing, which was before you guys even got there."

Temari and Kankuro both looked shocked and confused. Temari piped up, her voice thoroughly bewildered. "Wait a minute. When we got there, you had punched a hole through the top of the dome and were trying to break it open. That wound looks like it could have been fatal, like it could have potentially broken your spine or something. I mean at the very least the blood loss would have been enormous."

I shrugged, "Thank god for Sakura. If she hadn't been there to stop the bleeding and patch me up a little after the battle, I probably would have died before I got to the hospital."

"But you didn't even go to her after the battle! She came to you, and then you ran off to check on Gaara after he collapsed! Then when you passed out, she checked on you again and that's when she seriously healed you! Why wouldn't you go straight to her if you knew it was that bad?" Temari protested, trying to understand my reasoning.

"Yeah, and how in the hell were you able to punch a hole through solid metal with your back practically sliced in half is what I want to know." Kankuro added.

I sighed, this conversation getting dangerously close to certain topics that were off limits. "I didn't really think about it, I just acted when I heard…Gaara. I'm sure you would have done the same thing. I didn't even really feel it. Well, okay, that's a lie, it hurt like hell, but I sort of…I don't know, tuned it out?" I shrugged, leaving it at that.

I turned away, grabbing my tool kits, slinging on my weapons belts and straps quickly and then went to the door. "Are we going to stand around here talking all day or are we going to report?" I said, efficiently ending the conversation, not meeting their searching gazes. I didn't want to get into it, my emotional problems were my own to deal with.

Author's Note:

Just one big long chapter.

Man, talk about emotional! Temari and Kankuro just got a big dose of Ren-style attitude adjustment.

Get ready everyone, there' a big thing coming around the corner, it's the big thing that I've been waiting for, and why I've been holding off on Gaara and Ren getting together. But it's awesome!