The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode XV
Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 15.
[Camera opens with Luna interview out at the quidditch pitch.]
Interviewer: "I see you've taken a side even though Ravenclaw isn't playing."
Luna: "Hm?"
[The lion hat on her head roars loudly.]
Luna: "Oh, this."
Interviewer: "Yes. That."
Luna: "Yes, well, Harry's my friend, you know."
Interviewer: "You don't have friends on the Slytherin team?"
Luna: "I wouldn't call them friends."
Interviewer: "What would you call them?"
Luna: [whispers] "Victims."
Interviewer: "What?"
Luna: "What?"
Interviewer: "Did you just - "
Luna: "Shh, I'm watching the game."
[Zacharias Smith is heard to say "Weasley saves it - well, he's bound to get lucky sometimes, I suppose - " which prompts a smirk from Luna.]
Luna: "What's lucky is that Ron is so susceptible to suggestion."
Interviewer: "So you don't think Harry actually dosed him with Felix Felicis?"
Luna: "No, but I'm also not surprised that Hermione thinks he did."
Interviewer: "Why not?"
Luna: "Well, when she decides to do something illegal, she usually commits."
[Camera footage shows Hermione setting Severus' robes on fire.]
Luna: "I appreciate her arsonist tendencies." [She tilts her head.] "I wonder if Malfoy does, too."
Interviewer: "Draco?" [Confused] "Why him?"
Luna: "Hold on, I have to do something."
[Camera cuts to Justin Finch-Fletchley interview.]
Justin: "Yeah, I got a note from Gossip Girl, too. It was rather lengthy, honestly. Probably because I, um - have committed several indiscretions."
Interviewer: "Like what?"
Lee, off screen: "Ugh, boring - "
Justin: "Well, first, I guess she must have found the hallucinogenic mushrooms I was growing in the back greenhouse - "
Lee, off screen: "Oh please, NOBODY CARES - "
Justin: "And then I guess she also figured out that Sprout was letting me do that, you know, because I'm - " [he turns red] "Well, I'm - "
Lee, off screen: "Are you one of the ghosts? WHO EVEN ARE YOU?''
Justin: [blurts out] " - I'm fucking Pomona."
Lee, off screen: "Oh my god, SNOOZEFEST - "
Justin: "We're in love!"
Lee, off screen: "GET OUT."
[Camera cuts to Blaise and Theo interview.]
Blaise: "It's sort of confusing because I have this horrible, queasy stomach pain now whenever Ginny Weasley is around - "
Theo: "Is it heartburn?"
Blaise: "I mean, it definitely burns."
Theo: "In my experience, that's a bad sign."
Blaise: [looks furiously at him] "If you knowing that has anything to do with my mother - "
Theo: "It doesn't."
Blaise: "Okay, good, because I - "
Theo: "She keeps things very clean."
Blaise: "No. NO."
Theo: "Just kidding."
Blaise: [sighs with relief] "Thank fucking Salazar."
Theo: [mouthing to the camera] "Not kidding."
Blaise: "Anyway, I know Weaslette is dating Dean - "
Theo: "That seems unlikely."
Blaise: "Why?"
Theo: "Because Dean's gay."
[Seamus, who is walking by, stops abruptly.]
Seamus: [startled] "What did you just say?"
Theo: "Dean's gay." [He shrugs.] "I thought you knew that."
Seamus: [distressed] "I did not."
Theo: "I feel like you should have seen the signs."
Seamus: "What signs?!"
Theo: "Well, he's in love with you, for one thing."
Seamus: "That's not a sign!"
Theo: "It really kind of is."
Blaise: [nodding] "I'm with Theo on this one."
Seamus: [huffily] "Well then maybe YOU TWO are gay!"
Theo: [shrugs] "We tried it."
Blaise: "We thought it would be easier."
Theo: "But we didn't really care for it."
Blaise: "Two dicks is just like . . . too much."
Theo: "Overwhelming, really."
Blaise: "Plus, you see a dick, and it's just like - "
Theo: "Stop staring at me."
Blaise: [nodding] "Yes, exactly. Whereas a pussy is like - "
Theo: "It's very welcoming."
Blaise: "Yeah. Like it's got a lovely decorative mat that says 'welcome home' in front of it."
Theo: "Funny you should say that, seeing as your mum's says - "
Blaise: [brusquely] "Come on, mate, please. We're doing a thing."
Theo: "Sorry. It slipped out."
Blaise: "Don't."
Theo: "Just like my cock in your mum's - "
Blaise: "DON'T!"
Seamus: [irritably] "Hello, I'm still here."
Theo: "I feel like we've probably said enough."
Blaise: "Yes. I mean, do you agree with our overarching thesis?"
Seamus: "That you don't like dicks?"
Theo: "We didn't say we didn't like them. We specifically never said that."
Blaise: [nodding] "Sometimes you want to see a dick on the menu."
Theo: "Yeah. Sometimes you're like 'I want cocoa,' right - and then you taste it - "
Blaise: "And it's jager."
Theo: "Right. And you're just like, okay, whoa, not what I was expecting - "
Blaise: "And sometimes it's like 'actually, this jager tastes pretty good' - "
Theo: "Or 'this jager gives pretty good head' - "
Blaise: "And other times you're like, I fucking wanted cocoa."
Theo: "You know?"
[There is a pause.]
Seamus: "What the fuck did you just - "
[Luna runs in, out of breath.]
Luna: "Did I miss it? Balls, the one time - "
Theo: "We told Seamus that we think Dean's gay."
Luna: "Oh." [She straightens.] "Did he believe it?"
Seamus: "No."
Luna: [nods, relieved] "Ah, good. I'll get you next time, then."
Seamus: "What?"
Luna: "What?"
Seamus: "I don't think that I - "
Luna: "Hold that thought, would you? I have to do a thing."
[Camera cuts to castle corridor feed. Parvati and Lavender pass through.]
Lavender: "Okay, so, I feel like now that Ron's a quidditch success - "
Parvati: "Come on. Don't do this to me."
Lavender: " - it's totally okay, right? I mean, everyone likes a winner - "
Parvati: [muttering to herself] "I wonder what else Muggles use on dogs."
Lavender: " - so you can hardly blame me for my attraction, I mean - "
Parvati: "Shock collars are a thing, aren't they?"
Lavender: " - if I kissed him, I could always say I was caught up in the moment - "
Parvati: "Also, I feel like I'm starting to understand murder."
Lavender: " - so it would be so easy, really - "
Parvati: "In a very abstract sense, of course, but still - "
Lavender and Parvati, in unison: "I think I'm going to do it."
[They exit. Shortly after, Hermione walks into the corridor, checking over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching; her hair is a mess and she nervously smooths a hand through it, curling a lock around her finger as she smiles absentmindedly. She adjusts her skirt - the bottom of which is folded up slightly - and then teases her shoulders back, heading towards the quidditch pitch.
A moment after she has disappeared, Draco struts into the corridor from the same direction, buttoning his shirt and tucking it back into his trousers. He charms his Prefect pin into a mirror, checking for something on his neck, and then readjusts it on his lapel before striding back towards the castle.
Shortly after he disappears, Luna runs in.]
Luna: "Oh no, did I miss it?"
Severus: "Yes, you did."
Luna: [sighs] "Damn."
Severus: [licks a finger, turning the page of the Daily Prophet.] "There, there."
Luna: "Thank you. That helps."
Severus: [impassively] "Welcome."
Luna: "What are you reading?"
Severus: "Current events."
Luna: "Sounds sad."
Severus: "It is."
[She sits down.]
Luna: "Popcorn?"
Severus: "Please."
a/n: I'm trash, the end.
