The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode XV

Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 15.


[Camera opens with Luna interview out at the quidditch pitch.]

Interviewer: "I see you've taken a side even though Ravenclaw isn't playing."

Luna: "Hm?"

[The lion hat on her head roars loudly.]

Luna: "Oh, this."

Interviewer: "Yes. That."

Luna: "Yes, well, Harry's my friend, you know."

Interviewer: "You don't have friends on the Slytherin team?"

Luna: "I wouldn't call them friends."

Interviewer: "What would you call them?"

Luna: [whispers] "Victims."

Interviewer: "What?"

Luna: "What?"

Interviewer: "Did you just - "

Luna: "Shh, I'm watching the game."

[Zacharias Smith is heard to say "Weasley saves it - well, he's bound to get lucky sometimes, I suppose - " which prompts a smirk from Luna.]

Luna: "What's lucky is that Ron is so susceptible to suggestion."

Interviewer: "So you don't think Harry actually dosed him with Felix Felicis?"

Luna: "No, but I'm also not surprised that Hermione thinks he did."

Interviewer: "Why not?"

Luna: "Well, when she decides to do something illegal, she usually commits."

[Camera footage shows Hermione setting Severus' robes on fire.]

Luna: "I appreciate her arsonist tendencies." [She tilts her head.] "I wonder if Malfoy does, too."

Interviewer: "Draco?" [Confused] "Why him?"

Luna: "Hold on, I have to do something."

[Camera cuts to Justin Finch-Fletchley interview.]

Justin: "Yeah, I got a note from Gossip Girl, too. It was rather lengthy, honestly. Probably because I, um - have committed several indiscretions."

Interviewer: "Like what?"

Lee, off screen: "Ugh, boring - "

Justin: "Well, first, I guess she must have found the hallucinogenic mushrooms I was growing in the back greenhouse - "

Lee, off screen: "Oh please, NOBODY CARES - "

Justin: "And then I guess she also figured out that Sprout was letting me do that, you know, because I'm - " [he turns red] "Well, I'm - "

Lee, off screen: "Are you one of the ghosts? WHO EVEN ARE YOU?''

Justin: [blurts out] " - I'm fucking Pomona."

Lee, off screen: "Oh my god, SNOOZEFEST - "

Justin: "We're in love!"

Lee, off screen: "GET OUT."

[Camera cuts to Blaise and Theo interview.]

Blaise: "It's sort of confusing because I have this horrible, queasy stomach pain now whenever Ginny Weasley is around - "

Theo: "Is it heartburn?"

Blaise: "I mean, it definitely burns."

Theo: "In my experience, that's a bad sign."

Blaise: [looks furiously at him] "If you knowing that has anything to do with my mother - "

Theo: "It doesn't."

Blaise: "Okay, good, because I - "

Theo: "She keeps things very clean."

Blaise: "No. NO."

Theo: "Just kidding."

Blaise: [sighs with relief] "Thank fucking Salazar."

Theo: [mouthing to the camera] "Not kidding."

Blaise: "Anyway, I know Weaslette is dating Dean - "

Theo: "That seems unlikely."

Blaise: "Why?"

Theo: "Because Dean's gay."

[Seamus, who is walking by, stops abruptly.]

Seamus: [startled] "What did you just say?"

Theo: "Dean's gay." [He shrugs.] "I thought you knew that."

Seamus: [distressed] "I did not."

Theo: "I feel like you should have seen the signs."

Seamus: "What signs?!"

Theo: "Well, he's in love with you, for one thing."

Seamus: "That's not a sign!"

Theo: "It really kind of is."

Blaise: [nodding] "I'm with Theo on this one."

Seamus: [huffily] "Well then maybe YOU TWO are gay!"

Theo: [shrugs] "We tried it."

Blaise: "We thought it would be easier."

Theo: "But we didn't really care for it."

Blaise: "Two dicks is just like . . . too much."

Theo: "Overwhelming, really."

Blaise: "Plus, you see a dick, and it's just like - "

Theo: "Stop staring at me."

Blaise: [nodding] "Yes, exactly. Whereas a pussy is like - "

Theo: "It's very welcoming."

Blaise: "Yeah. Like it's got a lovely decorative mat that says 'welcome home' in front of it."

Theo: "Funny you should say that, seeing as your mum's says - "

Blaise: [brusquely] "Come on, mate, please. We're doing a thing."

Theo: "Sorry. It slipped out."

Blaise: "Don't."

Theo: "Just like my cock in your mum's - "

Blaise: "DON'T!"

Seamus: [irritably] "Hello, I'm still here."

Theo: "I feel like we've probably said enough."

Blaise: "Yes. I mean, do you agree with our overarching thesis?"

Seamus: "That you don't like dicks?"

Theo: "We didn't say we didn't like them. We specifically never said that."

Blaise: [nodding] "Sometimes you want to see a dick on the menu."

Theo: "Yeah. Sometimes you're like 'I want cocoa,' right - and then you taste it - "

Blaise: "And it's jager."

Theo: "Right. And you're just like, okay, whoa, not what I was expecting - "

Blaise: "And sometimes it's like 'actually, this jager tastes pretty good' - "

Theo: "Or 'this jager gives pretty good head' - "

Blaise: "And other times you're like, I fucking wanted cocoa."

Theo: "You know?"

[There is a pause.]

Seamus: "What the fuck did you just - "

[Luna runs in, out of breath.]

Luna: "Did I miss it? Balls, the one time - "

Theo: "We told Seamus that we think Dean's gay."

Luna: "Oh." [She straightens.] "Did he believe it?"

Seamus: "No."

Luna: [nods, relieved] "Ah, good. I'll get you next time, then."

Seamus: "What?"

Luna: "What?"

Seamus: "I don't think that I - "

Luna: "Hold that thought, would you? I have to do a thing."

[Camera cuts to castle corridor feed. Parvati and Lavender pass through.]

Lavender: "Okay, so, I feel like now that Ron's a quidditch success - "

Parvati: "Come on. Don't do this to me."

Lavender: " - it's totally okay, right? I mean, everyone likes a winner - "

Parvati: [muttering to herself] "I wonder what else Muggles use on dogs."

Lavender: " - so you can hardly blame me for my attraction, I mean - "

Parvati: "Shock collars are a thing, aren't they?"

Lavender: " - if I kissed him, I could always say I was caught up in the moment - "

Parvati: "Also, I feel like I'm starting to understand murder."

Lavender: " - so it would be so easy, really - "

Parvati: "In a very abstract sense, of course, but still - "

Lavender and Parvati, in unison: "I think I'm going to do it."

[They exit. Shortly after, Hermione walks into the corridor, checking over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching; her hair is a mess and she nervously smooths a hand through it, curling a lock around her finger as she smiles absentmindedly. She adjusts her skirt - the bottom of which is folded up slightly - and then teases her shoulders back, heading towards the quidditch pitch.

A moment after she has disappeared, Draco struts into the corridor from the same direction, buttoning his shirt and tucking it back into his trousers. He charms his Prefect pin into a mirror, checking for something on his neck, and then readjusts it on his lapel before striding back towards the castle.

Shortly after he disappears, Luna runs in.]

Luna: "Oh no, did I miss it?"

Severus: "Yes, you did."

Luna: [sighs] "Damn."

Severus: [licks a finger, turning the page of the Daily Prophet.] "There, there."

Luna: "Thank you. That helps."

Severus: [impassively] "Welcome."

Luna: "What are you reading?"

Severus: "Current events."

Luna: "Sounds sad."

Severus: "It is."

[She sits down.]

Luna: "Popcorn?"

Severus: "Please."


a/n: I'm trash, the end.