Dear Readers,
So, hello, everyone, I'm back, and I'm really sorry about the long (mostly unscheduled) break, although I had good reasons. I essentially had to stop writing this story for a couple of months because I'd had a really bad resurgence of depression thanks to studying (albeit briefly because it was giving me a breakdown) Sylvia Plath in school, which led to A LOT of stress about my coursework because it's worth 25% of my final grade, I think, and whilst this story is normally a really good forum for me to deal with depression and some of the nasty stuff that comes with it - mainly illustrated by Thad, but also Kurt and Blaine - I needed to step away from all that before it overwhelmed me completely. Then I had part 2 of the breakdown, and I just didn't really have the time/will to properly write this so I made REALLY slow progress, until yesterday when I wrote most of this chapter because it turns out watching 'A Very Potter Senior Year' and 'Twisted' in one half the screen whilst writing in the other is actually REALLY productive! I wanted to get this out to you now because I go on holiday tomorrow, and after that I have a lot of revision that needs doing, so I'm not sure when I'll be able to update next because then I have exams, but chapter 52 is halfway there so I should be able to get that out relatively soon, and then I'll decide when to have a writing blackout like I did for my GCSEs, so I won't be back for long, sorry!
Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone that's read, favourited, alerted and reviewed this story because knowing that people read this so encouraging and really helps me to keep writing, even when I'm struggling, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter.
Sopphires.
A human being always acts and feels and performs in accordance with what he imagines to be true about himself and his environment...For imagination sets the goal 'picture' which our automatic mechanism works on. We act, or fail to act, not because of 'will,' as is so commonly believed, but because of imagination." ― Maxwell Maltz, New Psycho-Cybernetics
"…so in case of fire," continued Trent into his microphone, and Kurt yawned, feeling all his tiredness return in the boring safety speech that was being shared between Finn, David and Trent, and then snorted a second later, breaking out into quiet laughter, at Gary, who appeared to be doing some sort of interpretive dance along to their words. Dave had face-palmed, but his shoulders were shaking from mirth, Jack had a hand over his mouth to hide his laughter, Adam kept making half-hearted attempts to disrupt his hands and Mitch was bent double in hysterics, arms wrapped around his middle and head on his knees.
Very suddenly, the sound went out from the microphones, and whilst Kurt could just about hear what he was saying about assembly points, he knew that it would be lost to anyone behind them, and almost a second later, music began to play through the speakers. From the perplexed looks on their faces, Kurt was guessing that this was either a play to liven everything back up after the boring speech, or some boys (and girls if the New Directions were involved) were playing a prank on them.
Well hell sees her shadow in my backseat
And her friends are standing right in front of me
Sebastian appeared from behind the black curtains at the back of the stage, presumably wearing a very discreet headset microphone given that his voice was being projected out across the grounds as he sang the melody over the backing track, with that cocky, arrogant, show-smirk on his face.
Worldwide from the Cimarron to Turkey
Open up says everybody loves me
Sebastian swaggered further out onto the stage, shooting a wink in the direction of Finn, David and Trent, who all seemed to be momentarily frozen: Finn's mouth had dropped open as he gaped like he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing was real, David's eyes bugged wide open, making him look frankly rather alarming, and Trent was just staring at Sebastian with an expression that seemed say "really?!", and Sebastian just smirked.
And you don't have to make a sound
'Cause they got you what you need (what you need)
Oh oh oh oh oh
Sebastian turned his gaze and attention away from the three other boys on stage and back towards the audience. He had that full-on flirtatious smirk on his face as he walked to the edge of the stage, bending his knees and crouching down, crooning out the lyric to those in the front row, and Kurt could feel the desire to slap the smug bastard rising in him again. Now he was ruining the concert: this was getting out of hand!
Got love for the people that have warned you
God love all your sentimental virtue
The curtain fluttered, and Blaine burst forth from behind it, wide grin on his face and radiating excitement as he sang. Kurt felt his face slacken in mild disbelief at the fact that Blaine was involved as Sebastian moved off to the side. He didn't look at all like he'd been roped into the event given how much energy he was giving off as he somehow managed to strut down stage and bob along to the beat, not to mention whatever it was he was doing with his arms. What was happening?
Eight balls with the takers that'll make you
Lay cards with the lovers that'll hate you
Kurt sat back in his seat, crossing his arms and looking at the duo on stage with distaste because he could see from David's contorted face (he was going to explode any second), Trent's face pressed into his palm and Finn's look of confusion that they had had no forewarning of any kind, and it was cruel to do that to Finn given how the wedding had been a disaster, and so everything was riding on this for him. Then again, Blaine clearly didn't care about anyone but himself and his boyfriend if the wink at Sebastian was any indication.
And you don't have to make a sound
They got what you need (what you need)
Blaine had finally made his way to the front of the stage, crouching down and putting a finger over his lips, with a playful smirk on his face that made Kurt scowl some more because – damn! – he'd forgotten how attractive Blaine could be when he was performing, and forced himself to remember that this was all an act; that Blaine was a more than competent actor, and he had more so many masks and disguises that Kurt reckoned he had now learnt not to take any for real.
Like you say
Blaine straightened up, pointing at Sebastian with a genuine smile (as opposed to a show smirk) as he sung, and as Sebastian did the same (but without the singing because it was still Blaine's line), Kurt guessed that that was a real face, one that should have been Kurt's but wasn't.
Oh my!
Feels just like I don't try
Looks so good I might die
All I know is everybody loves me
"Kurt," said Dave, leaning in with a frown, and Kurt looked over at him, arching his eyebrows questioningly and noticing that Dave's four friends were also looking at him with curiosity. "is this staged?" Kurt shook his head instantly.
"This is for real," he muttered. "I've only ever seen David that pissed off once before, and that was when someone stole the gavel; there's no way that he knew this was coming." The friends looked between each other with expressions that said they were baffled and a little weirded out by situation before shrugging at one another and facing the stage again.
Get down, swaying to my own sound
Flashes in my face now
All I know is everybody loves me
Everybody loves me
The two boys looked very cocky and self-assured as they danced together in complete synchronisation, hips swaying, and Kurt found himself scowling for no reason at the way they exuded this air of "we-know-everybody-loves us" because he hated Sebastian's face at the best of times, but that expression on him made him want to punch him, and he hated the way Blaine was mirroring that look because Sebastian was corrupting all Blaine's natural, innocent charm and beauty.
Well I, play the music don't stop till I turn grey
Stars forever like John Sousa never fade…
Nick bounded down the stage from behind the curtains with a huge grin that sort of ruined the atmosphere of the song, but just made Kurt laugh because he looked like a giant, oversized but completely adorable puppy, and Kurt reckoned that Trent agreed with him if the hand over his mouth was anything to go by, and Finn was grinning in a resigned manner, and Kurt had to admire Nick in being able to win over everyone (except David, obviously).
'Cause you don't have to make a sound
When they got what you need
Make you say
Jeff appeared, as Kurt had subconsciously predicted, on stage to take over the vocal line with a finger on his lips and a smirk that was sort of undermined by his wide puppy dog eyes, although that was probably meant to entice people into doing what he wanted. At the end, he held out his arms to welcome Sebastian, Blaine and Nick back into the middle of stage for the chorus;
Oh my!
Feels just like I don't try
Looks so good I might die
All I know is everybody loves me…
Kurt sat back in his chair as the four of them began to sing the chorus – Sebastian and Blaine in the middle with Jeff on Blaine's right and Nick on Sebastian's other side on the left – and crossed his arms with an unimpressed expression on his face because he hated them all singing together in unison, all united with smirks, like there was something special about them when there wasn't. The best way to get them to stop would be if everyone told them that there was nothing special about this. Unfortunately, people were clapping along and stuff so that wasn't going to be happening any day soon.
Everybody, everybody
Oh!
Everybody, everybody
On the first set of "everybody"s, Blaine sang whilst Sebastian somersaulted – performing a side somersault and then a forward one – across the stage diagonally from left to right, and then Jeff did the same thing on the second set from right to left whilst Nick sang, and the audience cheered and clapped.
Don't need my health
Got my name and got my wealth
I stare at the sun just for kicks all by myself
Kurt felt his eyebrows rocket up his forehead at the sight of the next singer. Looking timid and scared as sang, having just stepped out from behind the curtains instead of making an entrance like the others, was Thad. Kurt could barely believe Thad was singing solo, let alone breaking the rules, and neither could David either if the bared teeth and a screwed up facial expression accompanied by the flailing arms were an indicator.
I lose track of time
So I might be past my prime
Kurt found himself smiling encouragingly, watching Thad intently and crossing his fingers, practically praying for Thad to not screw up like he knew Thad was afraid of. Kurt knew that, however scary this was for him, this was also good for him – this was going to go well, and then he'd believe in himself, which he sorely needed to.
But I'm feeling oh so good
Yeah…
It was even happening now; Kurt could see him standing up right, and he'd stopped biting down on his bottom lip, and when the high note came, whilst Kurt bit down on his own lip, Thad graced up to it with an ease that made Kurt smile even wider even though Thad didn't make it to the front of the stage like the others.
Oh my!
Feels just like I don't try…
The five of them joined for the chorus; Sebastian snagging the spot in the middle from Thad, who went to his left, whilst Blaine assumed his previous place on Sebastian's right, and Nick and Jeff took their positions on the far left and right respectively, and Kurt sat back in his seat again, relaxing and letting all the tension and worry that he'd felt for Thad drain from him. He watched them with a passive expression on his face, feeling more relaxed given that Finn and Trent were sharing smiles and nods, and waited for them to stop.
Everybody loves me
The five of them struck rather overdramatic poses at the end, and Kurt, rolling his eyes, began to clap quite loudly. Dave's friends let out cheers and joined the rest of the audience on their feet, Dave following a second later. Carole and Burt did the same, and so, heaving a sigh but not wanting to seem jealous or anything of the sort even though he disapproved, Kurt got to his feet in time to see the five wrap their arms around each other's shoulders and take a bow. Kurt kept applauding for a couple more seconds until the five of them broke apart and fled from the stage, probably to avoid David's wrath, and Kurt took that as the cue to stop clapping and to sit back down and wait for the rest to calm down and realise that the performance had been nothing special.
"Um…" began Trent, talking into the microphones that had come back on. "well…I think that that concludes our safety talk…" he suggested, looking between Finn and David. Finn shrugged, and David shook his head and walked forward, stopping front and centre, and because he was near the front, Kurt could see that his jaw was jumping from suppressed anger.
"Yes, I suppose it is: the main idea was that you follow the boys who will be in yellow vests to the designated assembly zones and then to the appropriate exits if there is a need to evacuate or leave." He tipped his head towards the crowd. "Um, thank you for your time," he said in a rather strained voice. "we need to go." There was an awkward silence after that as David shoved his microphone into Trent's hand and stormed off the stage, which left Trent and Finn standing there. Finn gave everyone a wonky smile, and then the two of them made eye contact and decided to run off the stage without another word.
There was a moment of confused silence after in which the members of the audience simply stared at the stage, waiting for the next set of performers to come onto the stage. However, no one made an appearance, although Kurt could see several Dalton boys standing on either side of the stage, peering around curiously in a manner that suggested that they didn't have a clue what was going on, and so conversation broke out amongst them.
"Well that was unexpected," commented Burt, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms and looking at Carole, Kurt and the rest. Kurt nodded with a wry smile whilst the others laughed.
"I think unexpected is putting it a bit lightly," replied Kurt. "I think there's this long, probably unscheduled because it's messy and David inherited Wes' pernickety attitude, pause because David is busy murdering them."
"Isn't murdering your solo singers just before a concert-"
"Err, dude," interrupted Gary. "I'm pretty sure the concert has started."
"Whatever," said Jack. "I mean, isn't murdering your five lead singers, or whatever – I'm guessing those guys are the lead singers-" Kurt nodded in confirmation because the five soloists were the same (as he had just remembered) as the ones from Do You Hear the People Sing?. "-so, anyway, isn't that a really bad idea? I mean, not murdering your five leads before your concert, isn't that just logical?" There was a moment of silence in which Kurt sent Dave a questioning look, asking him if Jack was being serious. Dave nodded, rolling his eyes, as Mitch began to laugh.
"Um, mate," said Gary, reaching over and tapping Jack's shoulder. "what Kurt is talking about is not literal killing, you do know that, right?" There was a moment of silence, and then Jack cursed under his breath.
"Damnit!" he exclaimed as Kurt began to laugh along with the others. "I knew that there was something wrong with my logic!"
"Jack, my boy," said Mitch, trying to adopt the tone and mannerisms of an adult, which was even funnier given that Mitch was two years – or so Kurt was pretty sure – younger than Jack. "there is always something wrong with your logic."
"Fuck you, man!" replied Jack, flipping him off, and Kurt saw Burt's eyebrows arch out of the corner of his eyes and guessed that he was sharing a disapproving look at the casual bad language with Carole, especially given the amount of small children that were all around.
"Yeah, and besides," continued Kurt, deciding to carry on the conversation. "even if there was a genuine chance of David murdering them, which there isn't because that group are like best friends, there is no way that he would be able to murder Dalton's five best spokespeople – I mean, the fact that all their soloists are gay says a lot about their policy."
"Shit, they're all in the same year?" demanded Gary, leaning forward with a surprised look on his face. "They're all in the same year, and they're all gay?!" Kurt looked at him with a confused expression not getting his point.
"Um, yeah…why?" Gary shook his head, sharing a look with Mitch and Dave whilst Jack and Adam looked confused.
"Nothing. It's just you can't five openly gay guys in our whole school, let alone in one year." Kurt nodded in understanding at that because the proportion of openly LGBT students at Dalton was always a bit of a shock.
"Man, we need to hang out with this school more often," said Adam with a sly smile on his face.
"Yeah," agreed Mitch, slapping Dave on the arm. "this way you'll have no problem finding a man." Dave groaned, putting a hand over his face as he blushed whilst Kurt laughed, looking at Dave with a bright and delighted, although a little bit surprised, look on his face.
"You're looking for a boyfriend?" he questioned, and Dave groaned even louder, burying his head in his hands in obvious embarrassment whilst his friends laughed.
"No!" groused Dave. "But these guys don't seem to care." Kurt laughed a little at that, but before he could say anything more, the lights on the stage went out, and Kurt diverted his attention back onto the stage to see that all the New Directions and Warblers had filed onto it, and he sat forward a bit, glad for the real concert to start.
The concert was awesome, even if it meant that Kurt had to watch Sebastian singing solo seemingly all the time and more often than not with Blaine. There had been some big group numbers – his current favourite performance was the New Directions' rendition of Livin' la Vida Loca – as well as individual solos and little groups of performers like Blaine, Sam, Artie and Tina, or groups where some Warblers provided backing for soloists like Jake or Brittany, or the time when Trent had casually pulled out a violin and done a pretty stunning duet with Ryder, which was his second favourite performance.
The whole thing had also been incredibly slick, excepting the long pause that had been between Everybody Loves Me and the real opening number, although Kurt and the others still found time between each number to share their thoughts on the performance that they had just seen, with the other boys tending to quiz Kurt on what the song title was, who the artist was and, if they were feeling evil (which they quite often were), what album it was from and what year it was released in. Therefore, it was incredibly surprising that, after Marley had got down off the stage after her solo, there was a pause before Finn came hurrying onto the stage, running a hand through his messy hair and looking awkward, unsure and (if Kurt was seeing rightly) just a little bit afraid.
"Um," he said, walking up to the microphone and bending a little bit so that he was at the right height. "so, I hope this has been enjoyable so far, and that no one is going deaf-" Kurt chuckled a little at that, along with the rest of the crowd, and Finn smiled, seemingly taking a bit of confidence from it. "-but I want you to remember that this isn't for fun, no matter how enjoyable it is to come out and perform in front of such an awesome crowd, and that what we really want out of this is to raise as much money as we can for people that don't get the chances we do to perform, or even play music, so if you've enjoyed any of these numbers please donate at the end, and…" he trailed off, leaning back, and then beamed. "here comes our next performer."
Finn backed away from the microphone as Kurt leant forward a little in anticipation to see Sebastian towing Thad onto the stage. He smiled a little, guessing that Thad was doing another solo (or at least a duet with Sebastian, which would entail him having some solo lines) as Finn walked off the stage whilst Sebastian sat down at the piano and Thad slung a guitar around his neck and stepped up to the mike. He took a really large, deep breath that sounded throughout the grounds, and then began to tentatively strum the guitar.
Do you dream that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name
And do you care about all the little things or anything at all?
Kurt bit down on the inside of his mouth at the very obvious tremor in Thad's voice, feeling bad for him because he was clearly very afraid of performing in front of such a loud crowd, and he sounded incredibly vulnerable, which wasn't helped by the fact that visually he looked alone because Sebastian was sat at the back of the stage by the piano, waiting for his entry. Kurt crossed his fingers again, knowing that Thad wouldn't screw up because he was a good singer, but at the same time, the size of this crowd was daunting to even a seasoned performer like Kurt, so far a novice like Thad, it had to be terrifying…
I want to feel all the chemicals inside
I want to feel
I want to sunburn just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive
Kurt swallowed, feeling a concerned expression take over his face as the piano came in as a quiet whisper, and Kurt had to say that he was surprised that Sebastian could actually play that quietly, and that he could try and down play his part so as to let someone else be in the limelight. He could be wrong – although he was almost certain that he wasn't – but he thought that Thad had at least sheen of tears covering his eyes, and that led him to guess that he was at least thinking about his attempted suicide, and it was definitely upsetting him, although that was hardly surprising because the thought was upsetting to a rather distant friend like Kurt, so for him…
Don't tell me if I'm dying 'cause I don't want to know
If I can't see the sun maybe I should go
Kurt found an almost hesitant smile breaking out upon his face because, unless he was very much mistaken (and he really wasn't), he could hear more confidence growing in his voice like a little flower, growing up away from all the dark dirt of his self-doubt fuelled by depression towards a brighter future where it would be easy for him to get up on stage with a large crowd before him and sing well when he was all alone.
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know never leaves too soon
Thad also seemed to be getting that idea because his spine had straightened as he sang, adopting a much more composed posture that opened himself up to the audience, letting them in and seemingly letting down his guard now that he seemed to trust them not to leap on him and attack him for his voice because, hopefully, Thad was realising that his voice – which ached with some desperate longing that had to touch them all – was beautiful.
Do you believe in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know that every day's the first of the rest of your life?
Kurt frowned a little, head tilting to the side as he considered the lyrics, and found himself smiling a little bit more – something that seemed kind of inappropriate given how sad Thad's tone remained – because the questioned seemed to indicate that Thad knew that every day was the start of the rest of his life: that Thad knew that there was so much more for him the future, and that he was determined to keep on living.
Don't tell me if I'm dying 'cause I don't want to know
If I can't see the sun maybe I should go…
"Kurt," muttered Dave, tapping his arm, and Kurt half-turned his head towards him, giving him a small nod to let him know that he was listening but still keeping an eye on Thad and his performance. "do you think he's okay? I mean, he kind of looks like he might start crying." Kurt frowned a little, pursing his lips and squinting at Thad, understanding Dave's concern, and knew his dad was listening in. Thad's eyes did look very watery, but a quick glance at the other Warblers – Blaine, David and co – showed him that theirs all were too.
"I don't know," he replied in a whisper. "but I think if there was a problem, they-" he indicated towards the Warblers that were watching, all holding onto one another. "-would be onto it." Dave nodded, sitting back.
This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
Kurt nodded at the first line because this probably Thad's last day in the shadows because now he'd thrown himself into the spotlight as a soloist, and right at the end of the second line, Thad turned his head slightly to the left and made eye contact with Sebastian, who shot him a small smile and a wink, and Kurt scowled a little, instinctively, that this Sebastian had the apparent capacity to love.
This is to New York city angels
And the rivers of our blood
Kurt smiled even wider, finding himself blushing a little too at the sudden attention, because, at the mention of "New York city angels", Thad made direct eye contact with Kurt and then gave him a wink that Kurt returned with a thumbs up too, but then his eyes fell away, and Kurt felt his smile fall a bit because he got the impression Thad's thoughts had gone to a less happy place.
This is to all of us
To all of us
Kurt watched as Thad's eyes slowly swept around, first fixing upon Sebastian, then onto each one of his little contingent friends that were gathered by the side of the stage, then it moved onto the audience, Kurt couldn't really tell who because they were in the row in front and then he met Kurt's again, and then back to his friends, and they all exchanged smiles whenever their eyes were met, some of them giving him the thumbs up.
Don't tell me if I'm dying 'cause I don't want to know…
Thad looked back at the audience with a smile on his face, seemingly taking heart from the sight of all his friends smiling back at him, and Kurt thought that he could see Thad trying to blink away the tears that had remained in his eyes throughout the song. His voice was so much stronger than when he'd started, and even though he seemed to be playing the guitar louder than when he'd started – and it had been loud to start with; louder than his voice – his voice was carrying better than ever.
Yeah you can tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to when no one's left to take your side
Don't tell me where the road ends 'cause I just don't want to know
No I don't want to know
Thad turned his head to the side again slightly, and Kurt could see that Thad was trying to make eye contact with Sebastian without completely turning away from the audience and breaking his connection with them. He seemed to have managed it, though, (probably because Sebastian could make complete eye contact with him, having leant forward as far as he could, as he had been a completely understated presence on stage – simply sitting there and playing away quietly, mostly watching Thad carefully from behind) as something seemed to be passing between them.
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Thad finished the song with a voice that died away in a manner that was perhaps ironic given what he was singing, and Kurt could see that there was a tear, or maybe two, slipping out from his eyes, as Kurt rocketed to his feet, clapping and cheering, and the rest of the crowd followed along. Thad sniffed quiet loudly, stepping back from the microphone and letting go of the guitar, and Kurt laughed at the way he was blushing intensely, and Sebastian walked over, smiling and clapping, and gave Thad a very serious look as he took away his guitar and handed it to one of the numerous assistants. Then he grabbed Thad and made him bow. The smaller boy shoved Sebastian away, blushing, and then took another bow as they kept clapping, and Kurt reckoned that the audience had caught onto how nervous and sacred Thad had been. Kurt could see that Thad was shaking slightly as he laughed a little, and Sebastian gave him a hug, rubbing his upper arm, and then led him off the stage. Kurt watched Thad practically throw himself onto the Warblers that were still gathered in sight as he retook his sight and smiled a little at the giant group hug that was happening.
The performances after that were less memorable, despite being of a similar calibre, but Kurt guessed, given that he'd seen Thad in that hospital bed right when his world had crashed down around him, it was beyond moving to see him up on stage conquering the part of him that made him doubt himself. He didn't even pay great attention to the sight of Blaine taking the place of the lead in front of (just) the Warblers until he heard the intro, and he felt his heart skip a beat, feeling sick, and knew that the blood was draining from his face as his eyes went wide.
Oh no…
