I'm ALIIIIIIIVE! ^_^
Not my favourite chapter, but it sees the return of Kuro-daddy and cuddles and awkwardness, so at least it's not a total failure. The next one is gonna get a bit more interesting, I think…
Enjoy!
XxX
My eyes are open, but I don't feel awake. Slowly, I lift my head up to look at my surroundings: a small, barren room of wood and paper. My boots and coat from Infinity have been neatly tucked beside the door. Beside them, my knife is layed out.
My hand is empty.
I am laying on a futon in the corner, dressed in a robe of blue silk. The blood has been washed from my skin; the burns on my hands have disappeared. I stand up, hesitant, but my feet are sure on the ground and I can walk without hindrance.
I head for the sliding door - and push it open - and fall apart.
Hanging to the doorframe I clutch my stomach, repressing the urge to vomit.
Oh God… Oh God…
That was just too much; I need to shut down. I need to… Oh God, the fire… Gran, and Rover… and she almost killed me and she could have, oh God she would have, I could be dead ten times over right now… Jesper and Ritza, why… and Clain hates me, and I killed Rover and Herminda… and I was so afraid…
So, so afraid. I'm going to be sick.
A gust of wind suddenly rises around me, causing the panels near to door to creak and sway menacingly. My robe flaps and twists around my legs, tugging at my skin. I close my eyes, trying to keep a hold of myself.
"Do you need anything?" a soft, kind voice asks. I look up to see a young girl… no, Tomoyo-chan, it's Tomoyo-chan standing in the hallway in an elaborate black gown, looking down at me. The sight of her reminds me of an imperative.
"Kuro-sama," I breathe out, clutching at my chest. I don't have time to wonder if he is alive or dead, whether she lied to me or not. I have to know, now, or I will break. The pressure on my heart is unbearable.
"He is resting in the next room. He hasn't woken yet, but he will be fine. Are you sure you don't want any help?"
I bring a hand up to stifle the half-sob, half-bark of laughter making its way out of my throat. He's alive; Kurogane's alive. I feel light suddenly, as though I might just float into a thousand thousands pieces and burst. I can't even feel the floor under my feet. He's alive, he's alive – which means that she lied. And if she lied about that, does it mean…?
"Syaoran-kun is in his quarters, if you'd like to see him – and Fai-san has stepped out for a moment, but he should be back soon. He's hardly left either of your sides since you've arrived. Sakura-hime is being tended to in the gardens. I could call for the physician if you feel unwell."
"I'm fine," I choke, but I'm shaking like a leaf in a storm. They're all safe, they're alive, and I am not alone – so why am I still so afraid? Why can't I calm the frantic beating of my heart? Who… who was holding my hand? Oh God I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. I'm breaking.
"You… you're awake," a voice says from behind Tomoyo-chan. I look up to see Fai – thirsty and weak, he can't fool me - standing there with his eye wide open, mouth gaping, looking for all the world like he's frozen on the spot.
Neither of us move. I don't know how to act around him now. There are too many unspoken things between us: his past, my past, his attempted sacrifice at the hands of Ashura-ou, the blood in my veins he still needs to survive, her, oh God her…
I can't breathe. I try, but my lungs fail to bring in any air. My fingers dig into the doorframe as though it could somehow help me make sense of all of this. Its only answer is to crack from floor to ceiling. There's so much, too much…
Fai moves forward, then stops. Now he seems alarmed, and even Tomoyo-chan brings a hand to cover her mouth in concern.
"I'll get Imaike-san," she murmurs, then hurries away. Hesitantly, Fai raises a hand towards me, like he's asking my permission to touch me. I don't care; I can't breathe. The blood and the fire, so much fire – Hinata pulled apart, Hisho broken to pieces – and now Fai and all his lies and his sudden kindness, and there's nobody holding my hand.
That seems to be the most distressing information of all. I have lost my anchor, and now I am drowning.
"It'll be fine," Fai says softly, his hand still hovering an inch away from my skin. I can barely hear his voice with all the wind. "Listen to me, you just have to breathe."
Hearing his voice a second time, being so close to his face, to his one blue eye, feeling the warmth of his palm so close to me, I snap. And I do the first thing I can think of: I slap him across the face. Fai's head snaps back with a satisfying thud, and all I can see of his face is his slowly reddening cheek.
The shock seems to finally push air down my lungs, and I gulp it down graciously.
"You lied," I croak. It seems like the only appropriate explanation for my action.
Slowly, so slow that I barely see it, Fai's head turns back towards me and I see his eye: shame and… fear. This takes me aback; the mage has been angry at me, has shown me scorn and disgust and regret, but he has never been afraid of me. I was always the game, in the end. So now why is he looking at me like a single word could destroy him?
"I'm sorry," he whispers contritely, looking down to the floor. I don't understand; this isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm the one who says sorry. I'm the one who fears, and cries, and holds others together when they're about to fall apart; he doesn't. It's been months since anything remotely like those words have passed his lips.
No… no, maybe it hasn't been that long.
My eyes widen and breathing gets hard again as the pieces come together in my head. He's barely left either of our sides, the Tomoyo-chan from this world said. He was just stepping out for a moment.
"Were you holding my hand?" I ask. It is only a whisper, but it reverberates like a scream in my mind. He flinches, and I know that he's heard it too. "Just now, were you holding my hand?" I repeat, this time more forcefully. I need to know. Because if it was him… If it was…
His eye finally meets mine, and he doesn't have to answer.
"I'm sorry," he says once more, but this time doesn't look away. I'm shaking again, so, so much that I can barely feel the ground under my feet. There is just too much to understand at once. Everyone is alive and safe, and yet the world has turned upon its head.
Fai doesn't hate me.
And because he seems the only still thing in the spinning world around me, I rush to him and wrap my arms around his body like a drowning man latches onto dry land. There is a line drawn between us in fire and blood, but I don't care. He broke it first.
It seems an eternity before he moves, slowly grabing hold of my shoulders to secure me to this world. I clutch him tighter.
I've held you together so many times, now it's your turn to be my anchor, dammit.
XxX
I cry, about fire and snow and things he could not possibly understand, and I scream my grief at him as though he were the one responsible. I cry to him about Gran, and Rover, about Jesper and Ritza and Clain, about the fires and the chase and the pain, about her, mostly about her, though it is all so jumbled in my mind I can't tell if my words make any sense.
Slowly, oh-so-slowly the world stops spinning wildly around me, the whirlwind dies down, and my sobs calm enough that I can breathe normally. Fai's body is warm, but not so steady as I had first thought; he's starving, and he needs blood.
I don't know when Tomoyo-chan comes back with the doctor, but I know that Fai has guided me back into the room.
"No," I say when I realize what's happened, "no, I want to see Kuro-sama…" I need to see him alive. I need to verify for myself.
"Kurogane-san needs rest, and so do you," the doctor, a soft, pudgy man says as he tries to loosen my grip on Fai's clothing. "It wouldn't do for you to visit him in your state."
"No," I repeat, burying myself deeper into Fai's chest. "I'm seeing Kuro-sama."
"Maybe she could see him, just for a moment, if it helps lighten her grief," Tomoyo-chan offers calmly.
"With all due respect, hime, in this stage of the mania the surest thing is to keep the patient away from any potential stimuli. Seeing him now would only upset her more."
"Where's Syaoran-kun? And Sakura? And Mokona?" I ask, pointedly ignoring him. The world still makes no sense at all, but I feel that if I see them all with my own eyes I will be able to stand steadier on my feet.
Fai's voice finally sounds, softly: "Listen to the physician, Aisha, everything is fine…" I stiffen. No, the world still makes no sense, but there are things for which I will not stand.
I push him away violently. He stumbles back, barely able to catch himself before careening into a paper screen. I never gave him permission to call me by my name. What makes him think he has the right…? After all he's said to me!
And yet I'm so happy he's alive, and that he doesn't hate me anymore, though I don't understand why or when this has happened. I don't know what our relationship is anymore, I have no idea how to speak to him, and yet when I heard my name spoken with his voice, I…
There are still things he needs to answer for.
"Don't you dare try to die like that again," I say, strongly, and my voice thunders around us. "Yuui," I add a second later, to see how he will react. His eyes snap to me again, and it's like I've slapped him a second time.
I'm so troubled that I barely register the fact that the doctor is too distracted by our altercation to stop me when I dash for the door. In the next room, Tomoyo-chan said he was just in the next room…
I almost rip the panel off its tracks when I barge in, throwing myself next to Kurogane's sleeping body. He's breathing - thank the gods he's breathing. I knew he would be, I had no reason to doubt Tomoyo-chan's words, but to see it for myself – I feel like until a moment ago I still thought he was dead, and now he's alive. He's alive, he's alive, and so is Fai, and I just want to croon because I'm so happy.
So of course, I start sobbing again.
It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that they get to live and Gran and Rover are dead. It doesn't seem fair I've been allowed to move on so easily. It doesn't seem fair that I'm sitting here, still very much alive when so many died for me.
Tentatively, I touch the place where Kurogane's arm used to be. It is soft and warm to the touch, but still very, very much missing. But at least he is alive. At least…
I hear someone else enter the room behind me, but I don't move. It's Fai, I know this, but he doesn't come forward. We don't dare.
"He'll recover," the mage says. I nod, tears still streaming down my face. "I've convinced Imaike-san to let me speak to you alone. I believe he thinks you'll destroy the place if allowed to go on like this." I nod again, because it seems the only thing I can do. There's a hesitant silence as Fai gathers his next words. "Will you?" he asks softly. This time I shrug.
"I don't think so," I say, and my voice is back to normal now, just a soft, human whisper. I look again to Kurogane's face. He'd appear simply sleeping if it weren't for his missing arm. "I thought he was dead," I whisper.
"So did I, until they brought him here," he says, and I hear in his voice what he will not say: he was the one crying when Mokona brought us to this world.
Without thinking, I thrust my arm back, towards him. I'm inviting him.
I hear him take a few hesitant steps, but he stops short of grabbing my hand.
"You finally saw your past, didn't you?" he asks. I nod quietly. "Would you like to speak about it?" I shake my head.
"Later," I say. I need to sort out what's going on now before I start losing myself in the past. I'm already so close to slipping…
"We're in Japan now. Kuro-san's country," Fai starts, as though he understands my need to know. I frown at the nickname, wondering why it's being used after so long, but I don't ask. "The Tomoyo you saw is Tomoyo-hime, the one who sent him away. She's agreed to let us stay here until we recover. You've been sleeping for the better part of two days now."
Japan, eh? It seems strange that we've come here, a safe place, right after facing Ashura-ou. That we've landed in Kurogane's world right after visiting Fai's…
"I suppose there is no such thing as coincidence in this case?" I say. Fai sits next to me, still ignoring my outstrechted hand.
"I asked the witch to bring you all to a safe place after you left Celes," he admits. "I payed my own price for that." I don't ask why he did. I know he didn't intend to leave Celes alive. He's an idiot.
"Why would you try to die for us?" I ask instead. Because try as I may, I don't understand why he would give that much for people he professed to hate.
He doesn't answer my question.
"He shouldn't have done that," he says instead, looking at Kurogane. "Not for my sake." I would have hit him. I know I would have, if this was before. Before Tokyo. But this is after, so long afterwards, so I only bring my hand back to my lap. "You shouldn't have done what you did either," he continues. "I never should have allowed you to challenge him alone."
"I don't need your permission to protect you," I reply. He nods and chuckles.
"Indeed. You never have," he says, and there is bitterness in his voice.
There is nothing I can say to that. I can't even apologize, not for that. I was selfish and stupid, but I was never sorry. There is not once – not once – when I thought I should have let him die on that bed in Tokyo. I would do it a thousand times over, even knowing all the things that comes afterwards.
"Why were you holding my hand?" I ask again, because that is the one thing I need to understand if I am to keep speaking to him.
There is a pause, so long that I think he will never answer. The only sounds are our combined breathes, slow and steady in the dusty sunlight peering through the panels around us. Kurogane stirs a bit in his sleep, but does not wake.
"You weren't waking up," Fai says simply. So that's it. He's not going to answer.
"I'm sorry," I say, because it's the only thing I can think to say. "For your brother. And for Ashura-ou. You cared for him a lot."
"I'm sorry for those you've lost as well," he replies after a moment. I clench my fists. I haven't told him, not in so many words, but it wouldn't take a genius to guess what was in those memories.
"Can we talk about something else, please?" I ask before I start crying again. I will see what is going on now, and then I will decide if I can grieve in front of him.
He nods thoughtfully. "Sakura-chan is doing well too, even despite her soul still trapped in that dream world. Her heart hasn't weakened, so I don't think we have to worry just yet." He raises a hand to brush a strand of hair from his face, and it is shaking horribly.
"You need to drink," I say. "You're exhausted." It's not a question, and he knows it. I offer him my wrist. At first, he doesn't move. "You've been through a lot, you need to drink," I say.
"You've been through a lot as well," he says. "You need to keep your strength." His jaw sets when he says this, and I can't help the feeling that he's not telling me something.
"We've all been through a lot," I reply, "and we all need to regain our strength. Drink." He turns to look at me, and our eyes cross for the first time since I pushed him away. I can't help but start, but there is something in his eye that stops me from looking away. There is sadness there, but bitterness as well.
"I've never understood why you would want this," he says softly. "Why you would insist on being fed on by… someone like me." That's it; my hand comes up and lands a blow to his chin.
"There is nothing wrong with you, you hear?" I yell, glaring at him. "You are not worthless, you are not weak, and you're being an idiot if you think that insinuating I'm stupid for trying to save you is in any way a compliment! If you were worthless, none of us would be here right now!" He rubs his jaw thoughtfully, as though it hurt – though I've seen him brush off much harder hits. I barely put any muscle behind mine.
"Aren't you violent today," he comments cooly. Tears start pricking at my eyelids.
"Fine," I say. "Starve for all I care, Yuui." I spit as much venom as I can muster in his name, then curl back onto myself. I'm trying, maybe not as hard as I could be, but I'm trying, dammit. He's not helping.
When he said my name, it made me happy. That's why I pushed him away: because I shouldn't allow him to make me happy for something so small. It's unfair. I try, and try, and yet I'm always the one who has to give in to him, I'm always the one who has to care what he thinks. I'm always the game, and it's so unfair.
I thought I might have gotten through to him when I saw the fear in his eyes, but now it's all back to the way it was. Just once, I want to have power over him. Just once, I want him to feel what it's like. Just once.
It's so unfair.
"You can call me Fai," he whispers suddenly. "I've gone by that name so long, there'd be no point in changing it now." I feel his hand close to mine, but still he refuses to touch me. "You used to call me Fai." I don't answer to that; instead, I offer him my wrist again. If he's trying to apologize, he's failing miserably.
Still, he doesn't touch me. He was holding my hand then, he all but admitted to it, and yet now he won't touch me. When did I become so delicate to him?
"I don't want to hurt you," he says with pain in his voice. I grunt. Now he starts caring about that.
"You used to call me Raki-chan, and I'm not starving myself over that," I retort. There's a silence. "It doesn't have to hurt," I finally say, grudgingly. I shouldn't have to coddle him like this. "Just be gentle."
"Aisha-san…"
A flame erupts in my hand. I didn't will it to happen, it just did. He makes me so angry sometimes…
"I don't care about what you want," I snarl, though it is a lie. "You need to drink, and I'm offering. You're not going to hurt me, and it would be a poor gift to Tomoyo-hime if I accidentally burnt the place down."
"Tell me what's wrong," he replies. I'm slipping again, and I can't allow myself to slip; I don't know what I'll do if I can't control myself.
"You were holding my hand, and I don't know why," I say, because that is the truth. I close my hand on the flame and snuff it out. He laughs.
It's a dry laugh, just like he's had for the past three months. "You will never change," he says. I move away, because I am not here to be made fun of.
That's when his hand slips into mine.
I freeze. It was him; any doubt I might have had has just melted away. Fai is the reason I am still alive.
"Please," he whispers. "I'm sorry."
I start shaking, and slowly sit back down. He said it again: "I'm sorry." The one thing I can't bring myself to say to him.
Tears are pricking at my eyelids; I'm so close to slipping. I was so scared I was going to die, so, so scared, but then Fai… He saved my life, without even knowing that's what he was doing. I don't know how that makes me feel; I just know that I'm slipping, fast and surely down that slope that leads to my fear.
"I can't say I'm sorry," I finally croak, angrily wiping away my tears. "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I'm not sorry I saved your life back then and I never will be."
"I know," he says softly. Then his fingers touch my cheek to collect a tear. "I'm not sorry about that either."
I turn my head away, ashamed. "Just drink," I choke. I'm crying like a child.
I barely feel his claw run along the inside of my wrist, that's how gentle he is. Then his lips touch my skin, and he drinks. There can't be more than a few drops oozing out of that cut at a time and he must be truly starving, but he doesn't press and he doesn't bite; instead he stays there for what seems an eternity, barely moving but for the lazy lapping of his tongue, waiting patiently for the blood to come to him. He doesn't hurt me.
I can't begin to explain how relieved I am of that. I think I've had enough pain for a lifetime.
When Fai finally releases me, I feel a strange sort of sadness. I won; he drank. But I had to plead so much, just like in the beginning… I can't let him starve himself again. I can't let him die.
I won't let anybody die. Never again.
I look to Fai, trying to anchor myself in the present before I start crying. He's looking at me, but quickly averts his eyes when he notices my gaze. He seems troubled, and traces over my cut with his thumb.
"I was holding your hand," he says softly, enunciating every syllable as though he would rather not say it at all, "because you were… There was a time when I thought… your skin became so cold, and… The physician said there was nothing wrong with you, but you shouldn't have been screaming like that. You said… in your sleep, you told us to kill you. We were losing you. I was… scared."
Oh. They… they could see that. I press my lips together. I'm going to have some explaining to do now…
"I'll never hold your hand again, if you don't want me to," he whispers. I shake my head.
"Thank you," I say. I can't apologize, but I can say that at least. I squeeze his hand tighter. "I… never meant to hurt you. At all."
He nods. "I know that too," he says. He sighs, and presses his forehead to my hand. "I'm so sorry you were hurt because of me. I should never have allowed any of you to get hurt." I start: is he… is he trembling?
It's so strange, I just don't know what to do. Fai has never been afraid of me before today. I wanted him to, just once, I wanted him to finally let me have some power over him, but this…
I don't want him to be afraid of me. Because I know what it feels like and it's so, so horrible.
"We all hurt each other," I say softly. "Maybe we should call it even?" I'm awful. I'm no better than him, I'm so, so awful, I can't let him feel guilt like this – I don't know, I don't know anything anymore, just that nothing makes sense and I won't allow anyone to die. Oh gods, can't I just cry?
I don't know if I move towards him or if he pulls me forward; I just know that I am sobbing in his shoulder, and that he is holding onto me at least as hard as I to him. I slipped.
"Why?" I cry. "I never wanted any of this to happen… I swear, I never meant to hurt anyone…" Gran, Rover, Jesper, Fai - I'm so sorry…
"I've hurt a lot of people as well," Fai whispers. "Including you. I'm sorry."
"You're not the only one," I sob. "I'm just as bad. I never meant for them to die…" His arms around me are the only thing keeping me from blowing this room to pieces – I feel like I could explode and make the whole world disappear if I wanted to. The problem is, there are things still in this world that are precious to me, and I can't just erase them.
"Tell me," he says. I want to, suddenly, I want to tell him everything. I want to trust him, even if I'm wrong for it.
So I do.
I tell him, about Riselk and the caravan, about Gran and my father, about Rover, about marks and the Burnings and all the things we weren't allowed to talk about; I tell him about the dreams and the Black Lady, about the pyre in the square and the running in the snow, about her sword through my stomach and Jesper finding me; and Ritza and her kindness, and the night the soldiers came, and Mama taking us away to this strange new place called Hanshin. I tell it all in order this time, so he understands what I mean.
And somewhere in this muddled mess of a story, I decide something – something as strong and cold as iron, that lodges itself determinedly in my heart. I will not allow anyone else to die, and for that I know what I must do.
So I don't tell him about the nightmares just yet, or about why I screamed in my sleep. I don't tell him I haven't let her behind in Riselk. I don't tell him she's coming for me. I still have time until she does, and I don't want to spoil it with the truth.
When I am done talking, we don't move for a long while. He doesn't say anything, just holds me close. Slowly, I start unravelling myself from his embrace. I want to look him in the eye for this next thing.
His gaze is incredibly gentle as I look at him, almost like he's afraid I'll crack like porcelain if he touches me. I try a small smile.
"I'm sorry that I scared you, while I was unconscious," I start, "but you don't have to be afraid of that anymore. I'm going to live. I promise." He studies my face for a moment, then suddenly draws me closer. His shoulders slump forward, and his fingers clutch desperately at my back.
"I know this is going to sound terrible, after what I put you through," he whispers in my ear, his voice tight,"but I felt like… when I was waiting at your bedside, I thought the world had decided to punish me for what I'd done in Tokyo. And I couldn't do anything… so I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever putting you through that."
I hug him back, tightly. "Stop apologizing," I say. "God knows you should, you bastard, but I think it's enough for one day." He holds me out at arm's reach, and smiles. A small, bittersweet, genuine, oh-so-precious smile.
"You will never change," he says. That makes me cry again, because I have – much more than anyone knows. I'm a coward and a horrible liar, and yet I still can't spit it out. Not yet. I owe them at least the truth, but later. I need to get a grip on myself first.
"Let's go see Syaoran and Mokona now," I sob, standing. Fai follows me, a worried look in his eye.
"Are you sure?" he asks. "You can take all the time you need here. There's no hurry…" I shake my head.
"No," I say, wipping away my tears. I need to get out of here and see the others. Make sure they're safe. "I'll be alright." I look again at Kurogane: I'll be back here soon, to watch over him. He'll be okay.
"They shouldn't be far," Fai says, heading towards the door. "I expect Tomoyo-hime told them you were awake." I nod, but for some reason I can't bring myself to move. Fai stops and looks at me.
"You don't have to go just yet," he reminds me. I'm trembling.
"I want to," is all I can say. My limbs are still like lead, and I realize that I'm terrified to see them again: what can I tell them? What can I say, or do, to tell them just how afraid I am? There's so much now between us, so much I have to explain, and it scares me; and yet I have to see them. I have to see for myself.
"Here, it's this way," Fai says, and he reaches for my hand. I feel the warmth of his skin on mine, and it comforts me a little – just enough to take a few steps. If Fai is here, then it will be alright, I tell myself. Slowly, he guides me towards the door. "You're doing great," he says, and I can tell that he's teasing me just a bit but I don't mind.
We leave the room together, and go looking for the others.
XxX
When I see Syaoran-kun, I can't even manage a single word; I throw my arms around him and squeeze until I am satisfied that he is alright. Behind me, Fai chuckles.
"H-how do you feel, Aisha?" the boy asks, visibly surprised. I nod.
"I'm sorry I scared you," I whisper. "I'll be fine."
Mokona jumps on my shoulder and presses himself against my cheek. "Mokona is happy you're better, Aisha." I press back gently.
"I'm happy everyone is safe too," I say. "How have you two been?"
"I – um – fine," Syaoran-kun stammers. "Tomoyo-hime and Amaterasu-sama have been very kind to us. There just hasn't been much to do for the past few days, other than… well…you know…" his voice fades into a whisper, then into silence. I know exactly what he means: there hasn't been much to do for the past few days other than watch over the injured and the sick. Kurogane, Sakura and I, we were all gone. It must have been hard.
I finally let him go, and back away a step so that I can look at his face – but I still keep a soft grip on his arm.
"I saw my past, when I was unconscious," I say softly. "That must have been why I was screaming like that. I'm sorry that I worried everyone." His eyes attentively scan my face.
"It didn't sound very pleasant," he says simply. I can't help a small, ironic smile.
"Not very, no," I whisper. 'Not very pleasant'… oh gods I wish it were that simple.
I feel the tears start to pool again, and hurriedly wipe them away. I can't keep crying constantly like this. I need to stay strong if I'm going to survive like I promised.
Syaoran-kun suddenly seems alarmed. "I-I didn't mean to… if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine, really, Aisha, I…"
"No, it's fine," I reassure him hurriedly, smiling to prove it. "I'll tell you, it's alright. I don't know why I'm so emotional…"
Mokona presses himself closer. "If sad things happened to Aisha in the past, then it's normal for Aisha to feel sad when she thinks about them," he says. I cup my hand around the little fur-ball.
"Yeah, I guess it is," I say. I sit on the edge of the pond, letting my fingers linger in the water – we're in a small courtyard, somewhere in the bowels of this palace. Above our heads, a small cherry tree gives us shade.
Fai steps away politely like he doesn't want to impose on us, though he's the one who guided me here.
"I won't be far, if you need anything," he says. I nod.
"Thank you," Syaoran-kun calls after him. He seems to have lost the careful distance he's had so far with the mage. There's something almost friendly in the way they speak to each other. Well, I guess they've been spending quite a bit of time together in the past few days…
Syaoran-kun sits beside me, waiting patiently. I smile, then look down nervously.
I don't know where to start. It was easy with Fai, because there was no time to think until the words were tumbling out of my mouth; here I have time to think, and it's like I don't know how to speak anymore.
"I'm not… from Hanshin," I start quietly, almost in a whisper. If I start with the dry facts, maybe the story will come later. "I lived in a country named Riselk. We were nomads, and we travelled in caravans. I had a grandmother…" I let my eyes wander to my fingers, to my reflection in the water. Dark grey eyes, and ash-blond roots peeking from underneath the tired pink dye. "I look like my father," I choke, stifling a sob. I do look like him, Mom was right about that.
"Did… did you lose him? I'm sorry," Syaoran-kun says, reaching for me but stopping short. I turn to look at him.
"He's the reason my grandmother is dead, and he was perfectly fine with letting me die," I say calmly.
"Uh… oh," he says, casting his eyes down. "Sorry." I shrug.
"Don't be," I reply sullenly.
I wish I looked like Gran.
"I… I had Gran though," I continue, my voice shaking a little bit. "She was a healer." And her eyes looked like vivid pools of life, and she died for me. I press my hands into fists. "And she was a mage. Like me."
That's the opening I needed to tell him. About everything, until that morning when I woke up in Hanshin with no memory of my own mother. He listens the whole time, like only Syaoran-kun can listen, still and silent and waiting. When I'm done, neither of us move for what seems like a long time.
"I'm very sorry," he whispers. I shake my head.
"You had nothing to do with it," I say. He puts his hand on mine.
"But still…"
"Aisha…" Mokona says, digging himself deeper into my neck. "Do you want Mokona to make you feel better? It's one of Mokona's 108 special abilities, you know." I pat the fur-ball affectionately.
"Thanks," I say, "but no thanks." I haven't been able to mourn for over ten years now; there'd be no point in prolonging it any longer. Besides, now that I know everyone is alright, I don't feel nearly so afraid as I used to.
I hear footsteps approach us, but they're not Fai's. I look up to see Tomoyo-hime standing before us, smiling and a little flustered.
"There you are," she says joyfully. "I've been looking a little everywhere for you. Imaike-san was frantic when you ran off like that – and then when he found out you'd left with Fai-san without letting him finish his examination, he seemed about to faint. I think he still believes you'll burn down this place without some kind of calming tea." I smile a little sheepishly.
"Sorry about that, but I'm fine. I don't need a doctor," I say politely. "Though I guess I should thank you for welcoming us here as generously as you did." She chuckles.
"Oh don't thank me, my sister's the one who rules here. Although, I may have convinced her a little bit using my sisterly affections…" she says, daintily covering her mouth to hide her laughter. "Speaking of which, now that you're awake we'd be happy to prepare a room for you in the guests' quarters – I'm sorry for lodging you in the guards' wing, but it is the closest to the physician in case he was needed… besides, we felt that Kurogane-san would feel more at home in his old quarters, and it would have been unfair to make your friends choose between you."
"Uh… that's very nice of you, but you really don't have to… I mean, I don't want to cause you any more trouble. I'm fine with the guards' quarters, unless they have a problem with me there," I answer.
"No, no, you're not in the way at all – that room was empty before you came. I must warn you, however," she continues on the tone of confidence, "when we brought you here, of course the guards were curious as to who you were. We told them you'd been one of Kurogane-san's companions on his journey, and warned them that you were not to be disturbed under any circumstances, and… well, I'm afraid what with that choice of words and your neighbouring rooms, some of them took that as meaning that the two of you were…" she pauses, obviously searching for her words. "Well, lovers, really," she finally admits with a sheepish smile. "I hope you don't mind the confusion! Once Kurogane wakes up I'm sure it'll right itself, but until then the guards might be… a little curious."
"Uh…" I give a quick sideglance to Syaoran-kun – did he know about this? "Well… Couldn't you just explain the situation to them? We're… we're not…"
"Well we ourselves didn't know for sure, did we?" she answers innocently, but it's obvious she's enjoying this far too much. Her happiness is in such sharp contrast to the rest of my day that it's like I'm suffering from whiplash. I can barely string together a sentence.
"I'm not… I mean, we're… uh… not… not lovers," I whisper, and I feel a blush creep on my cheeks.
"Aisha and Kurogane can't be lovers! He's her daddy and he loves her very much!" Mokona exclaims suddenly, jumping from my shoulder into my lap.
"Really?" Tomoyo-hime answers sweetly, smiling at me. "I'd like to hear the story of how this happened."
"It's not…! We're…Fai-san's the one who started it, and I just… we never…" It's like I forgot how to react to this. No one's teased me like this in a while, I realise – the last time was Raken, and that must have been weeks ago. And this whole situation is so weird… Syaoran-kun finally picks this moment to come to my rescue.
"Tomoyo-hime, she's been through a lot…" he tries a bit clumsily.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the princess says, and her smile turns tender. "I hadn't meant to upset you. We'll give you a new room if the attention is too much."
"No, it's alright," I shake my head. Besides, I feel that someone needs to stay near Kurogane, and the boys need their rest.
I feel Fai heading closer.
"Would you like to see Sakura-hime now?" Tomoyo offers.
"What do you think, Raki-chan? Are you up for another little walk?" Fai asks, appearing from between two hydrangeas. I nod my head, but not before raising an eyebrow at the use of the nickname. I'm not sure I'm allowing him to call me that yet.
"You'll have to be quick," Tomoyo says, standing back. "The sun will set soon." I notice the length of the shadows around us and realize that she's right. For some reason, I'd assumed I'd woken up in the morning. Force of habbit, I suppose.
"Alright," Fai says, beckoning me to stand. "This way then." Syaoran-kun follows us without being asked. I let Mokona ride on my shoulder.
We are greated into the main courtyard by a huge cherry tree in bloom, its petals falling in the evening breeze. It looks like snow.
My knees buckle, and I stumble back. Syaoran-kun is there, so I grab onto his arm. It's not snow. I'm in Japan, not in Riselk, and this is not snow. I press a hand to my stomach; I'm whole. It's not snow.
"Aisha, are you…?" Syaoran-kun asks, catching me. Mokona screams. Fai spins around, alarmed.
"I'm okay," I say, staring down at my feet. Not snow.
"Do you need to leave?" Fai asks, reaching for me. I shake my head.
"I'm okay," I repeat. I'm shaking. Syaoran-kun isn't though, and that's good. He's solid.
I take deep breaths, still focusing on the ground. "Where is Sakura?" I ask, to pass the time until I can move again. That way, if I have to run off at least I'll know.
"Tomoyo-hime had her put in the branches of the cherry tree," Syaoran-kun explains, perhaps a little stronger than usual. "It's a very old tree, older than the palace itself. Tomoyo-hime hopes its spirit will help her body… remain." Will help her body stay alive for as long as possible, is what he's saying. It must already be a miracle that she's survived this long without a soul.
Not snow. I brace my feet against the ground and squeeze Syaoran-kun's arm. I can look.
I raise my head.
Long swaths of fabric have been hung from the tree's branches, forming some kind of intricate hammock at its center. I can barely make out a human form lying on it, but the thuft of strawberry blond hair doesn't lie – Sakura.
Fai smiles hopefully at the princess. "She should be fine until we can get her soul back," he says. Syaoran-kun nods beside me. I start backing away. It's not snow, but now the thought won't get out of my head and I need to get out.
Fai turns to me. "Alright, this way then," he says, guiding us out of the garden. "I think Aisha needs some rest now." The world is gray from the shadows. Stars have begun to appear in the sky. In a few minutes, the sun will be completely gone.
"I've been sleeping for almost two days," I point out. Now that I can't see it, I'm not shaking as much. "I don't think I'm all that tired." Actually, I just don't really want to sleep right now.
"Well it's up to you," Fai shrugs, "but from my point of view it wasn't all that resting." I sigh.
"I could just stay up with Kuro-sama, in case he wakes up," I suggest. "So that both of you can get a good night's sleep." Syaoran seems to consider it.
"If you really don't want to sleep…" he says. I can tell he wants to sleep in an actual bed tonight. I don't blame him; I haven't seen any extra beds in either my room or Kurogane's, which means they must have slept on the floor.
"How about you try to sleep a bit, and if you're really not tired enough then you can stay up with Kuro-tan?" Fai suggests. "Even in your room you'd be close enough to notice if anything happened. Besides, I think you need to at least try to get some rest, hm?" He glances at me. I don't feel up to arguing.
"Fine," I sigh.
"I can stay with you if you'd like," he offers. I shake my head.
"No, thanks," I say. They've all done enough. It's my turn to take over.
"Alright," he says, and smiles. It's like I'm a porcelain doll again, that will shatter if he startles me. I don't like that feeling.
We're nearing the servant's wing now. I nod, stepping away from Syaoran-kun. "Good night," I say, and head down the corridor.
"G-good night!" the boy calls back.
"Get some sleep," I tell him with what I hope is a smile. I can barely look at Fai. I'm tired, and he's still so very much confusing. Only two days ago, he still hated me; and now I am a porcelain doll to him. I don't know if I'm glad for that… or just a different kind of angry.
XxX
I close the paper door behind me and head for the futon in the corner. As I lay my head down, I find that I can't bring myself to close my eyes. She always comes when I sleep. I know she can't hurt me anymore, not in my own head, but I don't want her in there. I don't want her in my head ever again.
And what if it's not her that comes, but just the nightmares? They can't hurt me, no more than she can, but what if I dream of the pyre, or the snow? I'm afraid to sleep.
I shiver, the room suddenly cold. I don't want to sleep, but I have to. I need to be rested for tomorrow. I have to stay strong. I promised Fai I would try. I need to sleep.
The room is dark, almost pitch-black. If I concentrate I can hear the slow, sleeping breathes of at least two dozen men and women. One of these breathes is Kurogane's, I know this, but I can't tell which one exactly. I try to concentrate, singling out the closest breathing pattern to my left until it is the only one I can hear. This should be Kurogane, but it sounds wrong. It's too deep, too slow-paced. I know it's only because he's sleeping, but it bothers me.
I let my hearing expand again, catching the footfall of a bird as it perches on the tree outside the paper wall. Somewhere down the hall, two people are laughing, playing what I think must be a game of cards. Clothes ruffle as someone shifts in their sleep. I am surrounded by people, by allies; I am safe. And yet, for some reason, I feel completely and utterly alone.
I toss and turn, rearranging my limbs like pieces in a puzzle that insist on not fitting into one another. I want to close in on myself until I am nothing but a compact ball of bones and skin, protected from the outside world, but I can't make myself small enough. No matter how hard I try, there are always cracks. There is always an elbow, a shoulder, a knee sticking out where it shouldn't be.
I just really, really don't want to sleep. Still, I force my eyes closed. I can do this.
I know it's a mistake when the snowflakes start dancing behind my eyelids.
I am running, and bleeding, and burning all at once. I am a dying, flightless bird. I am fleeing, trying to outrun the wind at my heels. All around me shadows, of trees and people and bones ground into dust. They speak, every one of them. The people curse and jeer, throwing things at me. I have no time for the people.
The trees whisper. "Run," they say. "Run as far and as fast as you can, but there are no escapes for you. No escapes."
The bones chant. "Your fault," they repeat, over and over again. "Your fault. All your fault."
I press my fists against my ears and keep running, paying no attention to the world aside from the sound of my footsteps. Until the people change.
They are no longer screaming. They are no longer faceless shadows. They stand among the trees, reaching towards me. Their eyes are like a deep abyss, black and dead. "Your fault," they say. Their hands touch me, cold and grasping, like they want to pull me in with them. I run harder. No, please, leave me alone, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…
A noise behind me, like a flame catching on a pyre. I turn, startled-
A blade in my stomach, catching me before I fall. She smiles.
"Do you want to know what it feels like to die?"
I feel like I am falling, though I'm not moving at all. My eyes open as fast as I can open them, but still too slow. Too slow, too slow.
Snowflakes float, unmoving, in the air around me.
I move back in a panic, muffling a scream in my hand.
Everything is covered in a thin layer of frost. It crackles as I dash for the door, nearly crashing through it without any other form of ceremony. No, I can't do this. I can't. Not like this. I can't, I can't, I can't-
I stumble head-first into Kurogane's room without thinking, reaching blindly for the ninja's hand. I trip over his body in my haste, falling against the paper screen and crying out. My foot goes through, hanging into the neighbouring room. I curl in on myself, sobbing and clutching Kurogane's hand against my chest.
His breathing is still too slow, but at least now he's here. I know he's sleeping, but I don't care; I need contact like the drowning man needs the shore. That way I know I'm not dreaming, and that the world around me won't disappear in an instant. I need someone.
With a dry sob and a smile, I think that this won't help the rumours circulating about Kurogane and I. I don't care.
There are hurried footsteps in the corridor, a panting breath, a whisper at the door. "Aisha?"
Fai.
I lift my head to see him standing in the doorway, trying to hide the worry on his face. I try to smile.
"It was just a nightmare," I say, trying to be reassuring, but my voice cracks just a little. I can't quite make out his expression in the darkness.
"You screamed," he breathes, finally. I know that he doesn't mean out loud.
So he can hear me too.
I reach for him without a word, like a child would. In an instant he is there, his arms enfolding me like fortress walls. I can feel his worry in the way his hands clutch at my back.
"You're alright," he tells me softly.
"I know," I breathe, pulling him closer. "You don't have to worry." I am safe, for now at least. I tell myself that I know that.
"You should get some sleep now," he tells me. I shake my head, digging it deeper into his shoulder.
"I'll just stay here, in case he wakes up," I say.
His breath is warm against my ear. "Sleep," he says. I shake my head again. I'm too afraid of the nightmares. "Well then," he continues, "then I think I may know a spell for this."
I sniffle. "If you put a sleeping spell on me, I'll hit you." He chuckles softly.
"It's not that kind of spell," he says, pulling away just enough so that our foreheads touch. I don't move, surprised at the contact. "Sakura-chan taught me this one." He takes a breath, and his hands slide down my arms until they can grasp my palms. "May my good dreams flow into you," he whispers, eyes closed in concentration, "so that you may experience warm dreams." He pulls back, smiling sadly. "Although I'm afraid I don't have very many of those dreams to give you."
Frowning, I reach for his face. His eyes are so sad…
"Then don't give them to me," I murmur. I'm used to nightmares, I want to tell him.
He grabs my hand and pulls it down slowly. "You need to sleep," he repeats gently, as if I were just a stubborn child. I pull away.
"Alright, I'll sleep," I lie. I wait for him to nod and leave, but he just stays there and looks at me with an increasingly pitying expression. It's obvious he doesn't believe me. I look down and bite my lip; I hate when he looks at me like that.
"Would you like to stay here?" he finally asks.
"Yes," I reply forcefully, frustrated. He cocks his head to the side to meet my eye.
"Would you like me to stay with you?" Slowly, I look to him. He's not teasing, and there is no more pity in his eye.
I curl in on myself, embarrassed and confused and yet unable to stop the words from escaping my lips. "Can you hold my hand?"
He smiles. "Of course." He offers me his hand. "Here." Looking away, I take it. I know he's seen me cry before, but this…
He saved my life and he doesn't even know it. By holding my hand. Just like this.
I hate how vulnerable that makes me feel.
I lie down on my side, letting my hair cover my face. Fai chuckles.
"We could have gone a little closer to the wall, you know," he says.
"I'm sleeping," I reply, just a little spiteful. He laughs again.
"So what am I supposed to do, just sit here with nothing to lean on all night?"
"You can sleep too," I grunt. I sound like I don't care, but I'm just too ashamed to face him right now.
With an amused sigh, he lowers himself to the ground. "Alright. I hope you realize I'm sleeping on the ground for you."
"You can leave," I say.
"That's not what I meant," he replies. There's a short silence. "Do you want anything else?"
Yes. I want all of these memories out of my head. I want to forget. And yet I never want to forget, never again, because they died for me. I just want the fear to go away.
His hand is warm. I squeeze it. "Don't leave once I'm asleep, please?" I dare to look at him. He's still smiling.
"As you wish," he teases. "Although I think the fact I'm laying down may have already tiped you off."
"Shut up," I groan. I'm starting to regret my decision. He's awful.
"Then sleep," he says, and reaches for my face. I start, but he only brushes my bangs behind my ear. He has that look on his face again, that one I thought was pity just two minutes ago. Except… it's not really pity, is it? It looks different – I just can't place it. It's… warm. "I'll be here when you wake up," he says. "I promise."
I nod. That's all I need; the knowledge that someone is there to pull me back out if I need it. He's helped me do that before.
So I close my eyes, like he asked me to, because I promised him I would sleep tonight. There are no snowflakes in the night behind my eyelids.
His hand is warm and comforting in mine. Soon I am drowsy, and all my fatigue comes rushing back to me all at once. I do need to sleep, like Fai said.
Fai. He can hear me, in his head, the same way I can hear him. He came running here just for me. He saved my life. He doesn't hate me. This is so strange.
I still don't know how he feels about Ashura-ou. Or about Fai, or about anything that happened back there. It's all been about me today. I'm so selfish.
"Fai…" I whisper. I like the way it rolls out of my lips.
"Hmm?" he answers. I crack my eyes open.
"About what happened in Celes…" He starts running his thumb over the back of my hand.
"Shhh," he says. "Just sleep." I don't push it, and allow myself back into the torpor of sleep. I'm just glad he's here.
XxX
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I do not dream.
XxX
I brush the sweaty bangs out of my face with my forearm, my other hand digging up the earth. Beside me, five freshly-planted shion stand, neatly aligned.
"Aisha?" Syaoran-kun asks, kneeling next to me. "What are you doing?"
I take a deep breath. "That's how we remember the dead, in Riselk. We plant something over their graves." Anything will do, as long as it's green and living, but in the caravan we liked to plant trees. Trees stay a long time. Tomoyo-hime's gardener wouldn't let me plant so many saplings, however, so he gave me these shion plants instead. I softly caress a green, supple stem. He said they mean remembrance.
"Oh," Syaoran-kun says simply, nodding in understanding. He eyes the five remaining stems. "Would you like help?" I shake my head.
"They're not yours to mourn," I reply. Gran, Rover, Herminda, Tyuna, Jemmel, Ritza, Jesper, and Mama's friend whose name I still can't recall – they probably have no grave but the ice-cold ground, and nobody to bury them properly. This is the best I can do, so I'll do it by myself.
Syaoran-kun doesn't move, but just stays there, looking at me like I've got a wart on my nose. I frown.
"I asked Tomoyo-hime and the gardener if it was alright, if that's what you're wondering," I try. He shakes his head.
"It's not that," he says. " I just… you're different from yesterday." I raise an eyebrow.
"Good or bad?" I ask.
"Good," he replies without a second thought. "Well, I mean… I'm not trying to say there was anything wrong with yesterday, I understand you were… umm…"
I chuckle, raising a hand to stop him. "I get it," I say. He nods.
"You just feel… more like yourself," he explains with a sheepish smile. "That's all I meant."
"I know," I say. "Have you seen Fai at all this morning?" He thinks for a moment.
"I don't think I've seen Fai-san since yesterday, now that you mention it. He wasn't in his room when I woke up, so I thought he had gone to see you and Kurogane-san."
I blush slightly, and not-so-subtly brush some dirt onto my cheeks to hide it. Fai was still asleep when I opened my eyes, and I didn't have it in me to wake him up. In truth, I don't think I wanted to face him right away after allowing him to see me so vulnerable.
"I just… I was wondering where he was," I stammer, trying in vain to appear calm.
"Wondering where who was?" I hear at the edge of the garden, and hurriedly duck into the dirt. Fai. I hadn't noticed him get so close.
"N-no one!" I yell back, flustered. "Why do you always think we're talking about you?"
"Because you usually are," he answers cheerily, suddenly popping up beside us. "So, what's so important that you got up early to do?" I'm confused by the tone behind his smile. It sounds almost… disappointed.
"I'm planting flowers," I reply, frowning, as I move on to the seventh plant. This one is for Ritza.
"I can see that. Any particular reason you're planting flowers?" he asks, still smiling. I bristle; his tone is accusing, and I don't like it.
"I'm honouring the dead," I say flatly, not looking at him. "Since they probably don't have any graves."
There's a long silence, broken only by the sound of earth being moved under my fingers. Fai has frozen, his smile erased; Syaoran-kun is staring awkwardly at his knees, like he's trying to pretend he's not here. It's only when I've patted the earth neatly around Ritza's plant that anyone speaks again.
"I'm sorry," Fai whispers. "I didn't know that was what you did in your country." I nod, slowly, and take up the last of my plants. Jesper's.
"All that is green can carry a person's soul within them," I repeat what Gran once told me. "The Earth gives us life, and so when we die and return to her, we nourrish another of her children. And that way, the person lives on." I scoop up a handful of dirt. "These are called shion. The gardener said that means 'I'll never forget you'." I give Fai a sideways glance; he is looking at the shion with renewed interest.
I pat the earth in place, then take a deep breath. I grab one of the two remaining shion and cup it carefully, before handing it to Fai.
"Here," I say. He looks at the plant for a second, wide-eyed, and then back to me. "For Fai and Ashura-ou," I explain, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I can plant them for you if you don't want to, I just thought I'd ask you first-"
Without a word, Fai takes the plant from my hands. He looks at it for a minute, thoughtfully holding a leaf between his thumb and forefinger. I clasp my hands together, nervously pinching the skin. He must think I'm an idiot. There would have been a thousand ways to break the subject better than this, or maybe I should have left it alone, or…
"I think they'd like that," he says softly, smiling down at the plant. Then he looks at me. "I'd like that too," he adds. He eyes the garden critically. "Do you just… bury it and then cover it up?"
I can't help a chuckle from escaping me. "You have to water them after, but for now, yes," I say. Syaoran-kun has an audible sigh of relief. The tension is gone.
Fai carefully lowers the plant to the ground, then starts digging a hole in the garden. He stops mid-gesture. "Is it big enough?" he asks, hesitant. I look over.
"It could be a bit bigger," I say. "Would you rather I do it?" The poor Fai doesn't seem to have any experience with plants whatsoever. I guess it makes sense, given how cold his country was…
I shiver.
"No, thank you," he replies, digging his hands back into the earth. He's turned solemn now, but when he finally drops the last shion in place, he smiles just a little. "Did you do something special in your country, when you did this?" he asks. "Like say a prayer?"
"We… we danced, usually," I say. "And we sang. There was a song, I don't really remember the words that well… but saying a prayer would be fine, if that's what you want."
"They sang in Celes too," he says softly. "Fai always sang better than I did. He would have liked a song." He glances at me. I blush a bit.
"I… I barely remember any words…" I remind him.
"Still," he says. "I think Fai would've liked to hear you." His gaze… I look away. No one's ever looked at me like that.
Shakily, I force the notes out of my lungs. It's not just a mourning song, but a lullaby as well. "-I have loved you for so long, I will never forget you…"
I have loved them for much too short a time. I am not allowed to forget them. No more forgetting. Never.
I forgot them.
There's a dull pain in the pit of my stomach. Tears pool in my eyes, and singing becomes harder. They've done so much for me, yet I forgot them. I forgot my own family.
"Aisha…" Syaoran-kun says, and lays a hand on my shoulder. I lean into him, tears still falling soundlessly. They're gone, forever, and I forgot them. It took them eleven years to be buried properly. Eleven years.
I push through the song, the words suddenly all tumbling out of my mouth as though I had never forgotten them. "Sleep soundly, for I will watch – sleep deeply, for the stars will protect you."
After so long, can they even find their way back? Or are they like the bones in my dream last night, lost and forgotten and bitter?
I reach for a plant, the first one I planted. Gran. Can you hear me? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. She always knew what to say.
"My brave, beautiful, silly little bird. I love you."
I force a tired smile behind the tears. "I love you," I whisper. It may not be enough, but it's all I can give them now.
Syaoran-kun's hand gently squeezes my shoulder. He says nothing, but I know he's trying to comfort me.
Fai hasn't moved since I've started singing, but suddenly he stands. "Thank you," he says, voice strained, then walks away briskly. His hands are balled into tight fists.
I know better than to call after him.
The tears have finally dried, and I straighten myself out. "Sorry about that," I say, pushing my hair out of my face.
"It's no problem," Syaoran-kun answers. "Do you think we should go see Fai-san?"
I shake my head. "I think he needs a moment." I'll go see if he wants to talk later, but I sense he just wants to be alone for now.
"What about you?" the boy asks, looking at me with concern. I take a deep breath.
"I'll be okay," I say. "It's just… hard, I guess. Accepting that they're gone, I mean."
"I know," he says. I grab his hand, squeeze it, and smile. I don't know exactly what he means, but I know so little of his life before all of this.
I suddenly have an idea. "I want to try something," I say. "You'll be the first one to see it." He raises an eyebrow.
"See what?"
"Here." I stand up and walk to the fountain in the center of the garden. I close my eyes, concentrate; I used to know how to do this without even trying.
I open my eyes, and a small column of water rises from the center of the pool, defying gravity. I look to Syaoran-kun, and grin. It's working!
With a flick of the wrist, I can send the column twisting up my arm. Syaoran-kun watches this, smiling as well.
"You wanted that to happen?" he asks. I nod enthusiastically. He seems impressed. I mean, I knew I would be able to control my magic now – at least logically, I knew I could – but to have the confirmation of that fact is equally exhilarating and terrifying. This is so much power in my hands, but at the same time… doesn't that mean I have no excuse not to use it now? Against… her?
I shake my head. No, not yet. Don't spoil it yet.
I pass my hands over the new plants; the water sprinkles down like rain. Now they'll take root and grow strong. Remain.
I'll tell Fai about that. About how, no matter where we are, they'll be here; and they'll grow, and pass on, until they become this entire garden. Until they become the very air that is breathed here. And then we can come back, and we'll know. We'll know they're all around us.
I look at Syaoran-kun, and briefly wonder who he's lost in the past. Maybe I should have saved him some shion as well – but I don't pry. It's not my place. Instead, I sit back beside him and we stay like this for a comfortable while.
After all, we are all a little broken, aren't we?
XxX
The sun has just hit its midday point in the sky.
"Kurogane-san is awake," someone whispers behind me, far away in the corridor. I spin around, eyes wide and heart pounding.
"I'm sorry to disturb y-" a woman says, approaching us, but I've already ran past her. I hear Syaoran-kun mumble an apology behind me, but I am far too excited to worry about that. My feet are pounding the ground to the rhythm of my frantic heart. He's awake, he's awake…!
I nearly run into Fai in the hallway. He's waiting at the door, staring at it nervously. His jaw is clenched tight.
"Tomoyo-hime is in there," he says. We don't mention what happened this morning.
I peer at the crack in the door, trying to make out what is happening inside. Then I hear Kurogane's voice.
"Did you know that from a dream? That this would happen if I killed him." My heart leaps with happiness. I reject the urge to barrel through the wall and throw myself at him. If Fai hasn't entered yet, there must be a reason.
"I kept wishing it would not be so," Tomoyo-hime's voice replies from the other side of the door.
"Is that why you told me it was a curse?" I try to understand what they're talking about, but can't seem to recall. Most of what happened before I fell asleep is so fuzzy…
Of course. I look to Fai – they're talking about Ashura-ou. I was stupid not to realize earlier, but I was so happy…
Silently, I offer Fai my hand. At first I think he doesn't see me, because he doesn't move; still, I hold my hand out. He doesn't need to take it, but I just want him to know he can if he wants to.
"You're not angry at me for not telling you earlier?" Tomoyo-hime asks.
"The pain of knowing something and not being able to say it – people who haven't lived it can't understand it," he says. "Blaming the people who do understand won't help."
"Kurogane…" I can see vague shadows trough the door, but nothing more. I think briefly of running to my room to peek through the hole in the wall, but no – they'll see me immediately, and I don't think I should be eavesdropping like this to begin with.
"Besides, I don't regret giving away my arm for that," Kurogane continues. "I've always wanted strength so that the people important to me can't be taken away anymore."
Fai startles me by grabbing my still-outstretched hand. A battle between horror and relief rages on his features as he keeps staring at the door. Almost without thinking, I run my thumb in soothing circles over the back of his hand.
"But having strength can also bring on catastrophes, and there are things that strength alone cannot protect," the ninja says. There is a short silence.
"I think you did understand the meaning of true strength," Tomoyo-hime says, pride and affection apparent in her voice. Then she speaks louder. "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting – please, step inside."
It takes me a moment to realize she's talking to us, but Fai doesn't hesitate – he snatches his hand back and steps through the doorway in one swift movement, barely giving himself the time to open the door. He's staring at the ground. I have no idea what his intentions are.
I'm suddenly overcome with panic. What is he going to do in there?
I barely have the time to see Kurogane sitting up on his futon, alive and breathing, before the ninja speaks. "Hey," he says, looking up at the mage as though nothing had ever happened between them.
There is a moment - but not long enough for me to get to him - before Fai's fist connects. Hard.
I reach into the room just in time to soften Kurogane's fall and pull Fai away, pining him against the wall with invisible hands. If they're going to fight again, I will hurt someone.
And then Fai starts laughing - just, cackling maniackly from his spot on the wall.
"That's payback, Kuro-sama," he says, stopping for breath. A grin splits Kurogane's face.
"I'll beat you up, you bastard," he replies. I don't understand.
"Aisha-chan, you can… let me go now," Fai wheezes. "I won't… hit him again. I promise." I've never seen Fai laugh so hard. Did I miss something funny?
"Hey kid," Kurogane says, turning to me. "I won't actually beat him up." Slowly, I lower my hands, and Fai peels himself from the wall, brushing off the last remainders of his laughter. What is wrong with these two?
"Don't ever do that again!" I hiss at Fai. What was I supposed to think? That he was just bashing Kurogane's head in as some kind of weird peace offering? Gods Fai is terrible at those.
"I'm sorry," the mage says, shaking his head, "but you just… took me by surprise right there. I didn't expect you to react so strongly."
"Yeah, well, now you know," I reply, eyeing him like I would a time-bomb. I'm going to need to figure him out pretty soon, before he drives me insane.
"So did you come to see me, or are you just going to argue about how stupid you both are?" Kurogane pipes in. Tomoyo-hime giggles daintily from her corner of the room, as though this was all hilarious.
Leaving Fai to his own insanity, I turn to Kurogane. I feel relieved, looking at him. It's like the last piece of my armour has fallen into place – Kurogane's alive. I can't keep the smile from creeping on my face.
"No more stupid than you," I say, then tackle him to the ground. He grunts under my weight, but doesn't otherwise protest.
"Hey," he says, ruffling my hair. "How are you feeling?"
"Better." I bury my face in his chest. "How about you?"
"It could be worse," he answers, and I know that he means it. He would have cut his arm off a dozen times if it would have gotten Fai out of there alive.
I slap him.
"Never do anything like that again, do you hear me?" I say. My voice is calm, but my heart is pounding. I was so scared he was dead…
He brings a hand to his cheek, unfazed. "I guess I deserved that," he shrugs. "But I knew you wouldn't let me die." I freeze, startled.
He looks at me, and he means it. He wasn't counting on Fai, or Syaoran-kun or Mokona, or even on some manifestation of fate. He was counting on me.
"Don't talk like that," I mutter, burying my face in his shirt again. No, no, no, he can't rely on me like that. Not me. Especially because – my hand brushes against the emptiness where his arm used to be – now that he's awake, I have no excuse not to tell them. I won't be around to be counted on much longer.
"Hey, that's not fair! Why are you allowed to hit him but I'm not?" Fai whines. I glare at him.
"Down," I say flatly. His rump lands on the floor with a thump.
Kurogane chuckles. "So you can do that whenever you want now?" he asks. I nod, suppressing a proud smirk. He stops for a moment, clearly contemplating the advantages of being able to hit Fai without getting close to him, then grunts approvingly.
"You're heartless!" the mage sighs dramatically. "Raki-chan can hit me all the time, but if I lay one finger on Kuro-rin I get punished!"
It's not the same, and he knows it's not, but I don't say why. It would ruin the mood.
"Kurogane-san?" It's Syaoran-kun at the door, peering in to the strange spectacle we must make, sprawled all over the floor. Mokona is on his head.
"Join us," I say, "we're abusing Fai-san." The boy steps in, eyeing Fai suspiciously, but quickly crosses the room to Kurogane.
"Hey kid," the ninja says.
"Hi," Syaoran-kun responds simply. They're both smiling.
"Kurogane's awake!" Mokona sings, boucing repeatedly from Syaoran-kun's head to mine. "Mokona was afraid Kurogane was hurt too badly, but now he's awake!"
"We did our best to make sure Kurogane would live," Tomoyo-hime chips in. She still appears to be convinced that we are the funniest thing she could be watching at the moment. "It's really heartwarming that he's made such good friends on his journey." I guess we are quite the ragtag bunch of idiots, aren't we?
As much as I know what I'm going to do next, I just can't wipe this smile off my face. At least for now I have them.
"I'm sorry, I was wondering-" a woman peaks through the open door, then stops short. Her eyes widen as she sees me, and she begins to stammer. "I-if Kurogane-san wanted anything," she finishes, averting her eyes. Her face has turned red. "Truly sorry."
"I'm starving," Kurogane tells her. She nods, then shuts the door.
I listen to her shuffled footsteps leaving, puzzled. What was she so flustered about?
Tomoyo-hime giggles behind an open palm. "Oh my," she says, "I suppose that'll have reached every servant in the palace in a matter of hours."
"What?" Kurogane asks, visibly just as confused as I am by the whole thing.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you," she teases. "There was a bit of… confusion when we brought the both of you here." I am suddenly aware of my body atop Kurogane's, of my legs spread around his, of the way my hands are resting on his chest… oh goddesses. That's what'll be circulating around the palace in a few minutes.
"No…" I groan, rolling off pathetically. "Couldn't you just set the record straight?"
"Set what record straight?" Kurogane's getting impatient.
"They think we're…" the words hesitate to pass my lips.
"Lovers," Fai unhelpfully finishes for me. "They all think the two of you are lovers."
"What?" the ninja roars. "Why would they think that?"
"Because she's horrible at relating information," I reply, pointing at Tomoyo-hime. The princess smiles innocently.
"It was a simple misunderstanding," she insists. "But I'm afraid my word hasn't been enough to discourage the rumours." She chuckles. "So far, the most popular opinion is that you're a foreign noblewoman of great magical power who managed to seduce our poor Kurogane while he was helping you quell a rebellion in your country…"
"What?" Kurogane repeats incredulously.
"Of course, there's also the version where he seduces you with his manly prowess…"
"Stop…" I groan. The "poor Kurogane" is now fuming silently beside me.
"Others say you're a wandering mage who's been fighting against injustice, and roped him into helping you over a bet."
"My personal favourite is the one where Raki-chan is an exiled princess, and Kuro-pin is helping her regain her kingdom from some evil usurper," Fai joins in, grinning from ear to ear.
"You've been listening to that?" I exclaim.
"I started a few myself, actually," he admits. I'm too annoyed to even bother hitting him.
"I also heard one where she put him under a love spell," Tomoyo recounts. I feel that she's just ticking off all the variants from a list to watch us suffer.
"That was mine!" Fai claims proudly. I hate him.
"Maybe we should just stop… I think they understand…" Syaoran-kun interjects timidly.
"And then of course there are the ones regarding your prowess in bed…"
"Tomoyo-hime." We all stop to look at Kurogane. Although he seems rather calm, I can see the veins bulging in his neck. "If you would tell me who's spreading these rumours, I will now gladly go slice them in half with a dull blade." His restraint actually impresses me - it must be because Tomoyo-hime's around.
"That's right! Kuro-daddy has to protect his daughter's honour!" Mokona proclaims dramatically, jumping atop Fai's head.
"SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER! COME HERE, MANJUU!" And… restraint gone.
"Kurogane-san, please-" Syaoran-kun tries to stop the flailing, bouding duo, but to no avail. Tomoyo-hime has now retreated to the doorway, ready to duck out of the room if need be. And of course, Fai takes the first opportunity he sees to trip Kurogane and laugh.
"I WILL ACTUALLY BEAT YOU UP!"
I sigh defeatedly, pressing my hands to my eyes. "You guys are going to kill me…"
XxX
I sit silently in front of them, my hands carefully laid out on my knees. I've asked them all here because I have something to say, and it won't help to put it off any longer. They're all here now, so I'll only have to say it once.
Syaoran-kun seems a little worried and Fai just looks intrigued, but Kurogane is as stoic as ever. It's now or never. I take a deep breathe.
"I need to apologize to all of you," I start. "I've lied. About a lot of things." Everyone remains silent, and I feel their eyes pressuring me to keep talking. "I told you about my past," I say, "and you all know about her, but…" I cast my eyes down. "The truth is, she never really stopped hunting for me. I… all the nightmares I've been having, they were her. She could talk to me, and hurt me. I didn't… I didn't know it was real until Tokyo." I look back up to them, aware that this is a horrible excuse, but it's the only one I have.
Syaoran-kun's gaze has gone hard. Kurogane frowns, but I know he half-expected something like this to happen. And Fai… oh godesses Fai, don't look at me like that.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone," I continue, pushing through. "It seemed like the best idea at the time. There wasn't anything I could do about it." No one is buying this, so I hurry. "She found me again when my seal broke," I continue, "which is why I was, well… not… coming back." Fai seems like he's about to stand up and walk towards me; I still won't look at his face. "I was able to defeat her, but… that was in my head." I had the clear advantage there, which I won't have out here. "I know she'll find me again, and try to kill me. I can't let any of you be hurt in the process of that. So…" I bow, resting my forehead on the ground. There is nothing more that I can do. "So I'll be leaving you all soon. I hope you understand that I'm not ready to allow any of you to be hurt because of me."
I let the weight of my words fall, listening to the stunned silence that follows. I don't look up just yet. I know my mind is made up and nothing they say will change that, but I also know they won't make things easy for me.
"Then I'll go as well," Fai says. I look up and meet his eye.
"No," I reply determinedly. "I appreciate your concern, but I'm going alone." His face contorts in some sort of grimace.
"But, Aisha…!" Syaoran-kun starts.
"No," I repeat calmly. "I won't discuss this. Again, I'm sorry I lied, but this is how things have to be, for your own safety."
"You don't think you can defeat her," Kurogane says abruptely, glaring at me.
"I… I don't know if I can," I admit, "but that doesn't change anything." I can see that it does, however; Kurogane looks angry now, Syaoran-kun seems like he desperately wants to yell at me, and Fai has even stood up. Even Mokona speaks now.
"Aisha, you can't!" the fur-ball exclaims.
"Listen," I say, standing up myself, "it's true that I'm not sure I can beat her. She's powerful, and she's sadistic. But I already said I wouldn't die, and I'm going to stand by that promise. This isn't some kind of suicide mission."
"Then why are you going alone?" Kurogane asks gruffly. I ball my hands into fists.
"Because," I say as calmly as I can, "it'll be dangerous. And if I can't defeat her, I'd rather be the only one who has to suffer for it. No matter how I look at it, it's better if I'm alone for this." Fai grabs my arms, in what I think is meant to be soothing but instead comes off as frantic.
"Aisha, you can't mean that," he says. "Whatever she is, we'll have a better chance of defeating her together, won't we?"
"Stop that!" I yell, brushing his hands off. Tears are pooling in my eyes. I don't want him touching me right now, not like this. Not when it reminds me too much of how kind he's been, and of everything I'll be loosing if I leave. I knew they wouldn't make this easy. "You think this is an easy decision? Do you think I want to leave you all?" I take a deep breath and try to calm my voice. "She said she would kill anyone who travelled with me. She said she would kill them first. Do you know what that means?" My voice trembles. "She doesn't kill people quickly, Fai. A painless death's no fun for her. You can't ask me to watch that."
"And you can't ask us to just let you walk into a deathtrap like that," he replies, his jaw tight. I can tell my comments didn't reassure him in the slightest.
"Oh, so it's only okay when you do it?" I snap, glaring. The room falls silent. Fai looks at me like I'd kicked him to the ground.
Then Kurogane is beside me, and his hand is on my collar. Before he can do anything else, my arms have already gone for his elbow – a reflex from Chess - but I see that it's him. My hands hesitate for just a moment – the moment it takes him to push me against the wall.
"No, it's not okay when he does it," he growls, "and it's not okay when you do it either. Now get your head on straight." His eyes pierce mine. "We stand together, or we fall together. That's how families work, right?" I suck in a sharp breath; he said it. That word.
Family.
My lips quiver as tears pool in my eyes again. "That's why I can't let you come with me," I whisper. "I've lost so much family already, I can't bear losing you."
"And I won't let you do whatever you want and be selfish like this," he replies, unmoved. "You said you'd tell us if there was something we needed to know, so we could face it together." He shrugs his left shoulder, the one with no arm. "You think I wouldn't do that again in a heartbeat?"
"Exactly!" I say. "When we faced Ashura-ou, you almost died! Fai's magic is too weak to use now, Syaoran-kun is more used to fight with a sword, and I can barely control my own powers at this point. She's insane, and she'll target you first. Besides, you have to keep searching for Sakura's feathers." I glance towards Syaoran-kun. "There are about a thousand reasons I can't stay with you."
"There are about a thousand reasons you should stay too, but I'm only giving you one: because I said so," Kurogane replies, finally letting me go. I glare at him; he can't do this. He doesn't know… I'm shaking again, so hard I have trouble standing.
"You can't stop me from leaving," I say. The ninja looks at me, but doesn't respond.
"Manjuu," he calls instead. "You don't let her talk to the witch alone, got it? And you stay by one of us at night so she can't call when you're sleeping."
"Yes!" the fur-ball answers determinedly. I feel the wind pick up around my feet. They can't do this. I won't let them.
"I have magic now," I say, and just for a moment my voice is a thunderstorm. "I can go myself."
"Not unless you learn how," Fai chips in softly. "Crossing dimensions isn't something you can just figure out by trial and error." And I can tell just by looking at him that he won't teach me.
"I'll ask Tomoyo-hime," I threaten. Kurogane scoffs.
"Not if I speak with her first," he says. Tears are rolling down my face now; why won't they listen?
Flames lick at my fingertips, singeing the edge of my sleeves. I can't control it. They're going to die, I just know they're going to die, and they won't listen to me. I'm trying to save them, can't they see that?
"Both you and the kid are going to practice using your magic for combat," Kurogane continues without looking at me. "Mage, you help them in any way you can, got it? And from now on, you train with me. If this witch is coming after us, I want to know how all this magic stuff works." Fai nods.
"Stop it," I say, pleading. "Please, you can't…" I look to all of them, but see no help in their eyes. They're all as determined as I am. Even Syaoran-kun's eyes are completely steeled over, like they always are when he's decided something. They've got me completely cornered.
The walls are shaking now from the strength of the whirlwind in the room, and tiny flames constantly dance away from my arms to nick at my surroundings. I know this will end badly, but I just can't stop it. I'm crying too much.
Why won't they just listen to me for once?
I watch as Fai steps closer, expecting him to scold me or call me an idiot or tell me I need to calm down. Instead, he throws his arms around me.
I pull away, still angry, and try in vain to push him away with my hands. "Let go!" I yell. He doesn't.
"I know," he says in my ear. "I know you're scared." I realize a moment too late that my hands are still covered in flames and cry in alarm, taking them away hurriedly. He makes a little sigh of relief, but still won't allow me to budge out of his embrace. "I was scared too," he continues, "when Ashura-ou woke up. But it's going to be alright. You have to trust us, okay? Because no matter how much you want us to live, no matter how much you care for us - we care for you just as much. And that's why we'll help you do this, alright?" I shake my head, trying desperately to stop the fire climbing up my body; if this goes on, I'll burn Fai even without pressing my hands to him.
"I just shouldn't have told you anything," I cry, pressing my forehead into his shoulder.
"It feels that way now, doesn't it?" he replies. "It's better when people know, though, I can promise you that. It's a lot less lonely."
"I don't care about that," I say. "I just want all of you to live." He squeezes me harder, and I feel his cheek against my neck.
"Didn't you hear Kuro-rin?" There's a bit of laughter in his voice. "We stand together or we fall together. And when's the last time we've ever let anyone behind? You should know better than anyone that this family just doesn't do that."
I'm not sure if he means it as a joke or an accusation, but he doesn't seem angry at me. He feels like a rock, pressed against me like that; not angry or sad, just calm and unmoving.
I meet Kurogane's gaze. The ninja isn't moving, but his expression says it all; he's angry with me, the same way he was angry when he saw me looking down that hole in Tokyo. The same way he got angry when Fai decided he wasn't going to survive our encounter with Ashura-ou. Because this is the same thing, isn't it?
I'm being selfish, aren't I? And yet so are they, in their own way. I know what that feels like, and I can't blame them for it. Not for this.
Because I would do the same thing. Because I did the same thing.
The fire dies immediately, leaving only smoking patches on my sleeves.
"Now, should I ask the others to step out, or do you think this one will pass soon?" Fai asks, still teasing just a little bit. The wind is already starting to die out; when the last gust leaves the room, I find that my legs are too weak to hold me. "There, you're still alright," he laughs as I catch myself onto him. I push him away wordlessly, wipping my tears away, then reach for the burns on his robes; the skin under them is already whole and healed.
"Sorry about that," I whisper. I'm calm now, but still I haven't fully accepted this.
"Don't worry about it," he says, smiling. "There are perks to being a vampire, I guess." I don't think he knows I saw him glance at the scars on my arms.
I turn to look at Kurogane and Syaoran-kun. "I'll let you do this," I say firmly, "under one condition: if I tell you to get out of the way, to duck, to run, to get out of there, you listen. You go. I know her, you don't. I'm in charge of this fight. Got it?" I look around; Fai and Syaoran-kun nod, and Mokona lets out an "Okay!" I have to sustain Kurogane's gaze for a few seconds more before he finally agrees, almost against his will. "And one more thing: no one, under any circumstance, is allowed to die," I continue, "no excuses. If you do, you better hope I live on to a long, happy life, because that'll be all the peace you'll be getting; I will find you down there, and I will make your after-life hell. That's a promise." My glare turns to Fai. He raises his hands up peacefully.
"Don't worry about me," he chuckles. I turn to Kurogane. The ninja says nothing, but finally nods. I nod as well.
There. It's done.
"Well, now that we have all this out of the way," Fai starts, seeming oddly chipper, "I think someone has a bit of explaining to do, doesn't she?" I look to him.
"Huh?" I ask. He's obviously talking about me, but I'm not sure how much more explaining I can do than this.
Fai smiles again, this time obviously forced. "You screamed for someone to kill you."
-oh. That.
I look down and press my lips tightly together, carefully choosing my words. I don't know how much of it I want to talk about.
"I told you she wasn't kind," I finally whisper. "She doesn't like… painless deaths."
Fai finally seems to realize something. "She was trying to…" His eye widens and he sucks in a sudden breath. "You almost… because of her?" It's like he doesn't want to say the words, because then it will make it true. It's already true; words won't change anything.
"Yes," I answer. Almost immediately, Kurogane's arm comes around my shoulders and pulls me back against him.
"Cry," the ninja orders in a gruff voice.
"What?" I reply, surprised.
"Kid, you're terrified and you want to bawl your eyes out. I was useless and I couldn't do anything for you up until now, so just cry. I'll stay here." I start shaking again; it sounds so tempting…
"I've cried enough already," I argue. I have to stop being such a burden for everyone else.
"Suit yourself. I'll stay here." His arm holds me so tight he's shaking, too. And then I realize: he's seen the flightless bird again. I almost died on his watch, and he couldn't do anything about it. He's afraid, and relieved, and angry all at once. I can understand that.
Even missing an arm, he's strong. Strong enough to hold me if I lean in just a bit, I think. If I get just a bit heavier to carry. If I need a little support. Kurogane can be strong for me, just this once.
So I let it go and cry, terrified and oddly relieved now that the truth is out. I love them, I love them all so much, but they're idiots. They'll get themselves killed, just like she tried to kill me. I can't watch that.
Not the way she snapped my bones one by one. The memory causes me to tremble uncontrollably. Anything but that.
My knees get weak and I slump back onto Kurogane. Slowly, he lowers us to the ground. I feel his face buried in my neck, breathing hard. "You'll be safe," he whispers to me. It sounds like a promise he can't keep.
He called us a family.
I don't think he realizes just how much harder this simple word has made my decision. I can't lose another family. I look to Fai, to Syaoran-kun, to Mokona, and I think of Sakura sleeping in the cherry tree. If any one of them dies because I was careless or weak, I won't be able to forgive myself. I just… I can't imagine it.
Fai smiles kindly at me, at the strange spectacle that Kurogane and I must form here on the floor. I think he'll say something but it's Syaoran-kun who comes forward, cradling Mokona. His eyes are solemn.
"You don't have to be lonely," he says, kneeling to my level. And then both he and Mokona tackle me as one, pressing me tighter against Kurogane. Without thinking, I mold my body to their forms, nestling myself in this warm cocoon. It is comfortable here.
Shit. We really are a family, aren't we?
Suddenly, I am not sure my tears are not of joy.
