I didn't have a plan. I was in fight-or-flight mode, although Kek was always the bigger chunk of the fight part of my psyche, which is probably why I ran. I found myself in the kitchen not really seeing it, or knowing fully where I was, or what I should be doing, definitely didn't know how I felt.
Wait… I'm pretty sure I slapped Ryou. I felt the sting of it against my palm.
Guess I had more fight left in me than I gave myself credit for.
Not knowing what else to do, I plopped into the kitchen chair that had somehow already became mine in the few days I'd been at Ryou's apartment, and cradled my forehead in both hands. I was so mad. I was so mad. And I was mad for being mad, because I wasn't sure exactly why I was mad. Because Ryou kissed me, yes, but at the same time it wasn't really that, it was… the entire situation.
It wasn't fair. I know they're going to miss Bakura. I felt bad for it- but it wasn't fair.
"Marik, you tracked right through Ryou's broken cup. Are your feet cut?"
"What?" I raised my head, trying to focus on Bakura, but everything was fuzzy around the edges like my head was full of air and I couldn't get the signal to my brain right.
"Your feet." He picked his way to me, got down on one knee and grabbed my foot like a bad Cinderella parody.
He looked at me like he expected some kind of answer, though I wasn't sure what to say. I was too far away from everything at the moment, and I didn't have any desire to come back.
"Probably okay," I muttered.
"Probably?"
"I don't know, Bakura. What do you want?"
He sighed and traced his fingers along the pads of my feet, the arches, the heels. He touched each toe, searching for cuts from the glass on the floor. I sat and waited, not knowing myself if I was cut or not. Dissociation had a bad habit of making me not notice pain. Too far away. His fingers were so gentle… it somehow… made me settle a little. Not into my thoughts. No. Wasn't ready for coherent thinking, but the present became a little more solid because I wanted to register the way his thumb was running circles into my heel.
Bakura set down my left foot and picked up the right. His touch was light, lighter than expected. Bakura's fingers repeated their earlier inspection, and then he sat there a moment, lazily running his thumb back and forth along the arch and rubbing the heel as he had with my first for. A little sigh stuttered from my mouth. In any other circumstance, I'd be enjoying this. I'd tease Bakura about looking good on his knees, and dare him to kiss my feet, and hope he'd use his tongue to tease the skin.
As if reading my mind, Bakura leaned down and kissed the top of my foot near my ankle. A shiver thrilled all the way from my foot to the top of my spine. Our eyes caught for a moment, then he set down my foot and started picking up the glass shards from Ryou's cup.
"It's my fault, you know," he said.
I grunted, leaning my chin into my hand to brace it. I wasn't really listening. Bakura tossed the larger fragments of glass and then grabbed a pile of paper towels to wipe up the smaller bits and the cold coffee.
"I kissed Ryou like that, the first time, but not half as sweetly."
"It's not fair. I know what they're doing, and it's not fair." I put my head right back in my hands.
Bakura sat across from me once the floor was picked up. "I wish I knew what the fuck they were doing. This entire morning has been insane."
"You can't possibly not see it." I lifted my head up enough to scowl, but then I realized how miserable Bakura looked.
Fuck.
This wasn't what I wanted. Half the reason I stayed was because of how sad Bakura looked at the thought of having to say goodbye to them. The other half was more selfish, wanting to understand Kek a little better and talk about our past.
"They don't want you to leave," I whispered, explaining it to him.
"I don't see what that has to do with-"
"They're flirting with me to try to keep you," I spoke through clenched teeth, angry all over again. "And it's not fair. I'm not a fucking spare tire they can slap on a car to get by! I'm sorry you're leaving them! I'm sorry I took so long! I didn't ask for anything of this! I-"
I stopped when Bakura half flung himself across the table in order to lace his fingers with mine. My mouth dropped open. I was surprised and not quite sure what Bakura was doing. He stared up at me from his spot on the table. It'd be funny if everything wasn't so sad at the moment- including the look on his eyes.
"Marik? What are we doing here?"
"What?"
"What are we still doing here? As far as I can see, everyone's miserable now. Maybe it's time we just go."
"I guess you're right." I sighed. "I just… you were sad when they were saying goodbye, and they were sad, I just… I didn't want- and I still really haven't had a chance to talk to Kek, about the past."
"Yeah, I get that you need to talk to him, and yeah, leaving hurts, but..." Bakura exhaled, his voice a velvet whisper. "But I think a hotel might be better right now. You can talk to Kek in a few days, once things have calmed down."
I gave a hum of agreement. It still seemed… unsatisfying somehow. Like something more should have come from this trip. Like something bigger was supposed to get resolved before we left. But I couldn't handle a talk about…
I was already-
confused?
frustrated?
I'm not even sure.
In any case. I needed to get present day emotions in order before trying to sort out my past.
"I'm still packed," Bakura added, interpreting my silence as hesitation.
"You're right." I said out loud for his benefit. "We should get a hotel."
