Chaoji Steals Link's Pies– Failure
One day, Chaoji took out his crayons and began making a list of people that he liked for no apparent reason. When you were fucking insane, you didn't need reasons for doing things.
"I like Mr. Cookie," be began. "Dr. Doritos, of course. I like Brother Kanda, and Lenalee…and…and…"
Chaoji caught a sniff of the scent of freshly baked pie drifting in the air and his hand seemed to move on its own, adding baked goods to the list.
"I like pie," Chaoji blurted out randomly, "because the cake is a lie. I still like cake anyway, though. I wish everyday were my birthday. When is my birthday, again?"
He took a moment, trying to remember the date, but then decided, "Today can be my birthday!"
Chaoji got to his feet and 'charged' down the hall, searching for the pie with his super sugar-detecting skills. Unfortunately, he was led to the 'Devil Spawn's' door.
Chaoji frowned. "Why does Allen get pie? He deserves cake! Or even worse, fruitcake!" Images of the vile substance filled the Fat Ass's mind. What kind of idiot decided it was smart to taint a perfect cake with something as despicable as fruit?
Chaoji had to get that pie. He just had to. It was time for him to use his super bracelet of ultimate jewelry doom for the first time in this fan fiction!!!! He lifted his arm, the light catching onto his bracelet to send a dramatic glint in his eye. "This time, Allen Walker doesn't stand a chance!"
Using the bracelet of ultimate jewelry d00m, Chaoji smashed through the door. His enormous shadow cast over Allen's room, eliminating all light.
"Is it an eclipse?" Allen wondered aloud, squinting in the dark.
Link shook his head. "It appears that the exorcist Chaoji Han has come to pay us a visit."
"THAT IS RIGHT!" Chaoji bellowed, pounding a fist against his chest as if he were an ape. "BOW BEFORE ME AND FORK UP THE PIE! Get it? Fork up the pie? Get it? Get it?"
"See?" Allen whispered to the Inspector, glancing uneasily at Chaoji's massive figure. "Isn't he just like I told you?"
Chaoji couldn't let Link listen to Allen. This was a serious battle – a showdown of sorts. Good vs. Evil. Exorcist vs. Devil. Sugar vs. Splenda. It wasn't like there was a life at stake – no, this was much more important, much more vital. This was a battle to see who earned the rights to the pie. "Why does Allen get your pie? Allen doesn't appreciate the pie! Allen doesn't appreciate food at all!" Link seemed baffled by the Fat Ass's statement, and Allen began frowning, becoming impatient with Chaoji, who continued to ramble on. "He doesn't understand the form of the pie. The sugary sweetness. The crisp, burnt edges. The cinnamon scent that lingers in the air, playfully caressing my taste buds as I envisions the taste of the pie against my tongue, smoothly crushing through my teeth-" Lost in his daydream, Chaoji sucked in a deep breath of the scented air, letting out a long, content sigh before finishing. "Besides, Allen's the very devil we're fighting! You of all people should know that!"
Allen, who was beyond tired of Chaoji's accusations at this point, opened his mouth to retort. Link beat him to it, though, standing in front of the pie, which Chaoji was staring at longingly. "Your assumptions are not only highly incorrect, but you have seemed to overlook a few things," Link began with a frown, glancing at the fragments of the door reproachfully. "It is unheard of for an exorcist to vandalize the Order in such a way. You do realize that you will be held responsible for all repair costs, do you not?"
"I don't know what that means, but it didn't sound nice!" Chaoji snapped.
Before he could say anything more, Link went on. "It is completely inappropriate for a member of the Order to hold himself in such a manner, shouting and making selfish demands in such a way."
"How can you blame this on me?" Chaoji whimpered. "All my sins aren't my fault, anyway. It's the devil that's responsible for sins, right? My sins are all Allen's fault!"
"Furthermore," Link continued, his voice rising, "you will certainly not receive anything I bake. You have not earned it, and have displayed yourself in such a manner that assures me that you are not capable of ever doing so. Now, if you kindly could leave, I will get busy filing the reports of the damage you have caused today."
Chaoji couldn't believe it. He had lost the battle. This fight may have been the point of his existence – it may have been his destiny to save that pie. It was too late, though. The devil had one. Evil would prevail.
"Those who assist the devil are the devil!" Chaoji cried, running from the room in defeat, sobbing all the way. He had to get back at Allen somehow. Perhaps next time, he'd go to the root of the problem.
But for now he was a Failure.
