Chapter 53: Dontchange (Musiq)


...with everything crumbling around us once again...

I knew that she was right.

Ana and I were epic.


Santana's POV


As she came down from her high, I stepped away and let her catch her breath.

She kept making these breathy little moans that just did something for me.

But I needed to wait and make sure that this was okay.

So that's what I did.

I stood there feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself as I waited to see her eyes.

Ever since I had known Britt, if there was anything that I needed to know...I just had to look into her eyes.

No matter how much she was trying to fight it off...they would always give her away.

That's why I fought so hard when she was choking me...I saw the love and regret in her eyes.

Her brain was just on the fritz.

It felt like an eternity as the water that hit my burning back, eventually went cold.

Britt was still standing there with her eyes closed, her tongue trapped between her lips and her head thrown back.

Normally it didn't take this long.

She looked like she was in heaven and so I wasn't going to say anything about it.

It was good to know that I could still do that for her,

So I would wait.

She was still trying to catch her breath and I wanted to give her that.

Even if I was starting to break apart.

I was incredibly vulnerable and these new hormones had me wishing that I could just read her mind already.

This was driving me crazy.

I needed reassurance.

Did she still love me?

My soul ached and my head felt so full.


Finally, I just tried to distract myself.

She obviously wasn't going anywhere at the moment.

So instead I focused on me.

Just for a moment, I allowed myself to think.

I rested my hands over my flat stomach knowing that somewhere in there was a baby...one that would break my world right open.

How would I explain to that little piece of life how it was conceived.

Did I even need to?

Maybe in this case an abortion would be kind...

Then again...maybe not.

I was still unsure.

My fingers were shaking as I kept tracing the scars that still existed from the children that I had already bore.

Isaac Aden and Daniela Amaris.

Izzy and Dani...

My angels...my blessings.

Would I think of this baby the same way?

The scars weren't insanely noticeable...but I knew that they were there.

I would run my fingers across them every chance that I could.

Most of them were from Daniela since I made it further into my pregnancy with her.

It was a road map of my struggles and my triumphs.

Drug Addiction...abuse...loss...sickness...and even dying.

I had survived and they were proof of that.

The old Santana would freak about there being scars on my perfect abs...but this Santana...the war weary one...is proud of them.

They spoke volumes about who I was and more important than that...who I no longer am.

My children are here.

They're safe.

And healthy.

But most of all...my children are loved.

Every tantrum...every cry...every boo boo...is loved.

I could love this baby...

Innocent and fresh to the world.

That's why I was keeping it.

Because despite my fear, I knew that this baby would have all the love that I could give to it.

Even if no one else loved it...I knew that me and Britt always would.

Or at least that was my hope.

Even if a small part of me wondered if it would change when the baby got here.

If Britt would still love me the same.


Brittany's POV


It felt amazing to be hers.

Marrying her was definitely the best decision I could have made.

There will never be anyone that can love me like Ana does.

Just knowing how much she loves me and is devoted to me makes things better.

Makes things real.

I was hers...now and always.

We were meant for each other.

I understood that and was proud of it...now.

It had taken me time to figure that out.

When I was younger...I was dumber.

I didn't see that what everyone else was looking for...I already had.

Ana was perfect for me.

Nobody came close to the perfection that was my wife.

Frankie was rough all the time...never sweet.

Grady just wanted to have sex in as many places as possible.

And then Rachel was just way too bossy for someone as controlling as me.

With Ana, it was always perfect.

She always knew what I needed and she always gave me a chance to direct her.

She knew every inch of my body and no matter where she touched me, it always felt like she was everywhere at the same time.

I could feel her love with every movement and I loved that the most.

She was in tune with my every breath and it made things so intense and satisfying.

I was tuned in to her too.

Usually.

I loved her so much that it hurt sometimes.

My head hurt sometimes when I thought of how much I had let her down.

Even through everything...she had always loved me.

As crazy as that sounds.

And I was starting to love her the same way.

Unending.


Even if right now though...I felt deaf, dumb...and blind as I laid my head back.

I knew something was off.

I knew that she was way too quiet.

And I knew that I should be doing something.

But I needed to get myself together, first.

It had been awhile for me and I forgot how good she could make me feel.

At first I thought she had left the shower but I could feel her near me.

And if I had looked at her in that exact moment, I would have seen the big fat tears on her cheeks but I was in my own world.

Sometimes learning lessons is hard for me.

Hadn't we just had a problem because I was pulling away?

Now look at me.

And it was selfish...I just didn't want to open my eyes because I was afraid of what I would see in her eyes.

That moment was so amazing that I didn't want anything to ruin it.

I was afraid that she would regret this...silly right?

I knew, though, that keeping my eyes closed was stupid.

She needed me and I couldn't let her down.

So I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

Once again, I didn't like what I saw.

She was standing there, shaking as the water hit her and she didn't look happy.

In fact, she looked the exact opposite.

I think.

Her eyes were as black as the sky at night.

And usually that meant she was scared.

I just don't know why she would be.

She wasn't alone.

Right?

And yet, she was still scared.

Still sad.

She was staring right past me, focused completely on the wall next to me,

I could see just how much crying she had done in the moments since making me come harder than I ever had.

Had I really kept my eyes closed for that long?

Was she feeling insecure?

Her face was twisted up and she looked like she was going to break apart.

She looked angry, and sad, and scared, and broken all at once.

I had waited too long.

But I was confident that I could fix it.

If she is my everything then I know for a fact that I am hers.


Santana's POV


I took a deep breath and broke myself away from all my doubts and worries.

We had just shared an amazing moment and here I was focusing on something that I couldn't change.

I had just made love to her for the first time as my wife...and I didn't want to taint it.

Well...not anymore than I already had.

Her eyes were open now and I could see her staring at me...but I wasn't looking at her directly.

I was too afraid to.

In her eyes, exists my very world and I don't want it to break anymore than it already has.

"Ana?" Her voice was raspy...more than I had ever heard before.

It sent tingles down my spine.

She was incredibly hot and I wanted to jump her again.

That voice melted me like butter.

It got my attention.

I looked up at her finally and the moment that our eyes met...I felt tingles run through me.

She was smiling and looking at me with so much love and light that it made me feel like I was floating.

I shouldn't worry so much.

She loves me.

"Britt?" I whispered back as I stepped up close to her again.

"Yea?" She said again as she cupped my cheek and then leaned close enough to kiss me.

I felt her warm breath tickle my face and couldn't hold myself back.

Her voice was just too hot.

She was too hot.


I pushed forward and captured her lips.

But then before she could kiss me back, I pulled my face away.

"Hold me?" I asked...wanting to feel her body against mine.

I just needed some reassurance.

"Gladly."

She pulled my face forward and then wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me flush against her.

This was exactly where I wanted to be.

I would do everything in my power to make sure it was where she wanted to be too.

After that day with Dr. Cray...the only touches that I ever wanted were from Britt.

I didn't trust anyone more than I trusted her.

She was mine.

And I loved it!

Our kisses were slow and sweet.

Everything for us in that moment was just about us.

Not about anything that had happened in the past or would happen in the future.

Just us...loving each other.

The way it should always be.

I moved my arms around her back and squeezed her to me tightly.

Nothing felt more right than this.

Than us.

Here...together.

That's when I realized how flawed my doubts had been.

We could do this.

I could do this...I just had to keep reminding myself of one fact...

Britt loved me.

And I loved her...that was all that mattered.

Screw the past.


Brittany's POV


Once we were out of the shower, we moved silently around each other while we got dressed.

Thankfully, Gladys had been prepared and we had our own clothes waiting for us.

I could tell that Ana wanted to talk to me more about things...but I wasn't ready yet.

And I don't think that she was either.

So I was going to wait for her to come to me about it.

Ana looked like she had so many things going through her mind and I really didn't want to get in the way of that...

Especially since I had my own things to think about,

Like the fact that tomorrow I had to return to work and how she hasn't seen the kids but once in the last three weeks.

On top of that...my parents were coming and I hadn't told her yet.

Plus...she had school.

If she even wanted to go back.

Definitely though, she needed some time at home with the kids.

That was important.

They needed her and she needed them.

I feel like I should be there with her just in case she needed me...but then something hit me.

Literally.

I felt something hit the back of my head and I turned to see Ana kneeling on the bed with a huge grin on her face.

I reached down and picked up the balled up socks that were at my feet and held them out to her.

"Did you just throw these at me?" She sucked her lips into her mouth, trying to hold back her laughter. I smiled at her as I watched the glow on her skin and the light in her eyes. I loved this version of her best. She didn't speak though but her look of guilt told me what I needed to know. "Did you want something?"

She shook her head and then lunged forward and cupped my face with both hands.

"Just this." She whispered before kissing my face.

First my forehead, then my cheeks, my chin and then just when I thought that my lips were her next destination, she kissed the tip of my nose.

This was what Quinn did to Izzy and Dani every time that she saw them, it's what she referred to as a super-kiss.

And now I was getting one.

Except usually the nose is where the kiss stops...

Ana though winked at me before diving in and crashing against my lips.

I put my hands on her hips and allowed her to pull me forward.

She couldn't keep her hands off of me.

And I was really liking it.


We were both kneeling in the center of the bed now.

Arms wrapped around each other and lips fighting to kiss more.

She nibbled on my lip and I couldn't help but smile.

Forever, that will get me to give in and let her top me.

I reached around and gripped her ass in my hands and then threw myself back so that she was landing on top of me.

I looked up at her and smiled before kissing her lips quickly.

She sat up and readjusted herself.

And I felt anxiety go through me because her lips were too far away.

So I pouted.

She shook her head and let out a small laugh before leaning down and gripping my hair in her hands.

Her lips met mine as she grinded against me.

I was rubbing her ass and she kept whimpering.

She let out a moan as I moved my thigh between her legs and I chuckled against her lips.

This was amazingly perfect.


"Girls?"

Well almost.

We froze as we heard a knock on the door

Ana shot up from the bed way too fast so she ended up doubled over from the pain of moving her back too fast.

"You okay?" I whispered as I followed her down onto the floor.

She looked at me and nodded with little tears in her eyes.

"Not as young as I used to be."

I laughed and helped her to straighten herself up.

"You are still hot in your old age."

She brushed her thumb sweetly over my face.

I went to lean in and kiss her but she was faster.

She winked and then made a dash over to the door and pulled it open.


Santana's POV


Even though it was a ruined moment of bliss...I was kind of happy for the distraction.

My body was on fire and even though I wanted to go at it with Britt for eternity...my body wasn't ready.

I had just ignored the pain and focused on the awesomeness of it all.

Of course that was until leaping up from the bed caused the pain to jolt my senses.

It was so intense that it knocked the wind out of me.

And even though most people would bitch and moan about it,

I couldn't help but laugh.

Of course when I want to have sex, my body would protest.

My body didn't give a shit about my needs.

Such is life.

I do feel a little bad though.

Britt had looked panicked when she saw my pain but I just brushed it off because I was still healing.

The pain sucked but I had to play it off.

Otherwise, I knew for a fact that she wouldn't touch me in the upcoming days, she would treat me like glass.

And I couldn't have that.

I had needs that had to be dealt with.


"Hi Pa...how are you?!"

I hadn't seen my godfather since the police station and so I had promised myself that the neck time I saw him, I would make up for how I acted.

Even if I didn't really have control over the way that I was...out of everyone...I think I was the worst to him.

"Mi'ja!"

He leaned down and wrapped his arms around me lightly.

Mami must have told him about all of my pains.

Usually I got a really tight bear hug.

"I'm so sorry about that night." I whispered as he held me.

I could feel the hesitation in his breathing.

He was holding back from me.

"I understand."

"I'm still really sorry. I'll tell you anything that you want to know."

I heard a harsh snort from behind me and knew that Britt still didn't know things.

Maybe we shouldn't be having this conversation.

I took a step back from Pa and looked up at him.

He smiled at me and I could see that he had somehow aged since I had seen him last.

"Actually...things happened the way that they were supposed to. No need to tell me anything."

"Oh...okay."

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was packing up our things into the duffel bag.

From the looks of it, she was ready to leave.

"Britt Britt...you okay?" I asked as I took a step from the door and towards her.

She held her hand out and gave me a sweet and tired smile.

"Yea...I'm going to catch a cab and go get my your car from the apartment...then when I come back...we can go home?"

"You don't have to go alone...I can come with you."

She shook her head.

"It's fine...I need to make a stop at the theater on my way just to see what my schedule looks like this week. Your phone is in the bathroom charging, besides...you two should really talk."

She ran her fingers around the side of my face and slipped them into my hair.

Her smile was silly and sweet as she leaned in and finally kissed me, long and hard.

I kissed back and then pulled back and looked up into her eyes.

"I love you, B."

"I love you too. Always."


Brittany's POV


It took everything that I was in me to walk away from Hector.

He had been really mean to me and I didn't want to bring Ana into it.

But she was smart and I knew that she would catch on once I left.

At first I asked the cab driver to take me to TriBeCa but then I changed my mind.

I ended up outside of Ari's apartment looking for Gladys instead.

There was no way that I could keep this in anymore and since before today I hadn't had the opportunity to really be alone with her, I knew that this was my chance.

If anyone could fix things before they got bad...it was Gladys.

Still hme?-Britt

Yep. Gladys just left-Ari

Tnx-Britt

"Brittany? Where's my daughter?"

I raised my head and there she was walking onto the street.

"Hey Ma...she's with Hector...I needed to talk to you alone. I'm headed to the apartment...want to come there? I need to get Ana's truck then I can drive you home."

"Sure."

"Okay...thanks."

"Is everything alright? Are you in trouble?"

I bit my lips as I hailed a cab...trouble wasn't exactly it.

This was more like a bully.

A cab pulled up and so I avoided saying anything just yet.


"So tell me, Brittany...what's going on with you?"

I reached over and wrapped my hand around hers.

"You need to get Hector to back off. He wants to get in between me and Ana. The last three weeks whenever he could...he would say things about me being stupid for letting this happen. He would make small comments when he knew that I was near him. I tried to ignore him but it hasn't been easy."

I didn't expect Gladys to be so quiet once I told her.

She just looked ahead and nodded.

"I didn't think he would do that...his temper gets the best of him sometimes. He forgets himself. I'll talk to him and get him to back off."

"Good...until then...we won't be coming back to that house, that includes the kids. I won't have my family around that."

That got her attention.

She didn't argue though.

I was hurt and I needed to protect myself.

"I understand."

"Good."


Santana's POV


I walked Britt to the door and waited until she was safely in a cab before turning around and staring down Pa.

He was sitting on the couch, hands on his knees staring straight ahead looking pale and withdrawn.

They were both being weird.

I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips, feeling a little annoyed.

"Do you want to tell me what happened between you two before she does?"

He looked up at me and then swallowed a few times before shaking his head.

"I was a complete asshole to her in the last few weeks...I'm surprised that she didn't slap me."

"How bad was it?"

"Embarrassingly so."

"For her or for you?"

"Both...definitely for her though."

"What did you do?"

My skin itched as I stood my ground.

Never in all my life had I raised my voice at Padrino.

He was my safe haven whenever Papi had been a little too heavy handed in that Puck and Q were dealing with baby gate.

I needed him and he was there.

Now though something had happened and he had literally run Britt out the door.

I had never seen her rush out of a place before.

"Tell me what happened."

"Come sit with me."

"No...I don't really feel like it right now. "

Pa must love being taller than people. Because he wasn't going to allow me to stand over him.

He stood to his feet and walked past me and into the kitchen.

I sighed and followed him.

I knew what he was doing and even though I didn't like that he was doing it...I knew that he wasn't a drunk like Papi.

When I got into the kitchen he had two glasses and a bottle of whiskey sitting on the table.

Despite me being on medication and everything that I had been through with addiction he was pouring me a glass.

My palm itched as my hand hovered over the glass.

I wasn't a drunk.

One glass was fine...right?

I slid into the booth and held the glass in my hands and waited for him to sit across from me.

He brought the bottle over and was refilling his glass.

I brought the glass to my lips and sniffed it.

My nostrils burned as the scent hit the back of my throat.

"I know that you love that girl. I know what she means to you...I just...think that she's too dumb for you. If you hadn't met her you would be graduating this year and on your way to law school...she stifles you."

My fingers tightened on the glass as I took in his words.

He put his palms on the table and looked at me with so much conviction that I almost laughed.

He had lost it.

"Perdóname Pa, but you don't know shit about my wife."

With that I took a huge swallow of the harsh liquid.

"She's no good for you. She isn't goo enough."

I sat there with my jaw slightly open as I felt my body go rigid.

I was trying to still show some respect even though I wanted to kick in his teeth.

"That is the mother of my children...my wife."

And that's when I remembered.

I was pregnant...and I was drinking and I was an addict.

I pushed the glass away and sat back against a cushion.

I was so angry at him as at myself.

"You are the mother of your children."

"What...did you say to her?"

He sighed and covered his face.

"It doesn't matter."

I slammed my hand down on the table causing him the jump and knock over the bottle of whiskey.

I jumped up just in time to avoid being spilled on.

"You know what...you're right...it doesn't matter. What you say and what you feel about me and the woman who I love doesn't fucking matter! You will not do this to me...not again!"

I stormed from the kitchen and straight into the guest room.

I slammed the door behind me and locked it behind me.

My head was aching as I thought about what he had said to me.

The fucking nerve it must take to say that shit to a person.

Unsolicited advice is the worst fucking kind.


Once I was in the bathroom, I broke down.

The tears came and so did the nausea.

This needed to be the last time that I made stupid mistakes while pregnant.

Even though this wasn't planned, I still wanted to have a healthy pregnancy.

This baby would not suffer because of me.

I shoved my fingers to the back of my throat as hard as I could until the burning liquid came back up.

I knew that it would still get into my bloodstream but it wouldn't be enough to hurt the baby.

Thankfully.

How could Pa let me drink?

Mami had to have told him about the pregnancy.

Maybe it was on purpose...

My phone buzzed as I leaned over the sink and wiped my face clean.

I couldn't let him get to me like this.

But this wasn't the first time that he had stuck his nose in my business.

I guess I just didn't expect him to do it again.

Especially when it comes to someone so much more important to me than a silly high school fling.

"Hey." I whispered.

"I'm outside."

"Okay...ill be out in a second."

"K."

"Hey Brittany?"

I heard her suck in a breath.

I had used her full name on purpose...I wanted her to know how serious I was.

"Yes?"

"I love you so much, baby and I am so sorry for how he treated you."

She sighed and made a small grunt.

"Come outside."

"Okay."

I didn't bother saying anything to Pa as I grabbed my phone and charger and headed out of the house.

There weren't any words for how I felt about him.

Just a shit load of emotions.


A/N: Needed to fill this gap...next chapter we get some laughter...some tears...and some loose end tying...in the home stretch and it feels good!