Hey guys, guess who's back from the dead?
First of all I would like to apologize for the lack of chapter updates. I've come across some intense life changing incidences since my last update and I've been taking my time getting myself back into the swing of things. You know how life goes. Fall down, pick yourself back up etc.
Anyways I'm in the process of moving and transferring schools but I finally broke through a tremendous writer's block so thankfully I was able to bring you guys this chapter before I had to put writing off again for the next couple of days.
And your guy's support is just so outstanding I can't even put it into words. Thank you for sticking around so long and having to put up with me. I never wanted to put this story into hiatus but sometimes you just can't help it when things happen. That being said WGAC is NOT on hiatus and I intend to keep it that way. Chapter 54 is in progress as we speak so isn't not over yet.
I know it's been a while since the last update so I'll try to keep this short and just say, it isn't over until the fat lady sings. Even if it takes me a while I WILL see this to completion. One way or another.
Enjoy!
Edd moved with fluid grace from one room to another, his shoulders squared and chin held high as he placed a change of clothes on the toilet lid and regarded himself one last time in the bathroom mirror. The face that stared back at him was one he did not recognize. Even the luring hue of his eyes had become nothing but marble shaped strangers to him, reflecting a base expression but betraying nothing of the storm brewing just beneath. Frankly there was nothing to say, nothing for him to over examine in this moment. He'd played his hand, the last stone in his arsenal tossed and now was not the time for a loaded analysis.
Now was the time for action.
Working purely on automatic the sockhead stripped himself of his wrinkled pajamas and discarded them thoughtlessly on the floor. The usual tick of annoyance that should have driven him to pick the discarded clothes back up was nowhere to be felt. The notion feeling so trivial that an actual sense of pride filled him as he unconsciously abandoned them. He wondered if this was the feeling of true freedom; that the lies that once filled his head with the mere illusion of independence had finally been corrected.
Beneath the gentle spray of the shower Edd decided to try something he never had done before. He indulged. His restlessness won out any hesitation and never before did such a simple action feel so liberating. Tears leapt from his eyes as steam quickly filled the room, fogging the shower door and filling his lungs with heated air. His skin flushed a healthy pink as crystalline rivulets washed away the grime of everything, splashing across his face with vigor before taking his impetuous tears with them down the drain.
His heart felt light as his hands roamed over his body. His fingers pressing and palms cupping over every curve and surface as though learning his body for the first time in his twenty something years of life. His skin was soft. Had it always been this soft? His face, rounded with a little button nose. His ears, his hair, lips… the way his thighs and calves had hardened from years of flexibility training and dance. He'd never noticed them before. This was his body. This was him. At last he had been delivered from his ignorance. The answer had been there all along but only now did he fully comprehend just what had been sitting in his hands this entire time. At last. He was free.
He remained in the shower for a very long time, wasting away beneath the exfoliating moisture as he took his time lathering up his hair. He calculated it to be a while before he would be graced with the chance to shower again so he made sure every precious second he had was spent to its fullest. When he felt cleansed enough he took his time turning off the water, allowing the decadence of the moment to flood over him one last time before stepping out and dressing. Consequently the pajamas on the floor caught the water that dripped off his body but he hardly paid them any mind. The mirror had fogged beautifully which meant the man he saw not long ago was nowhere to be seen. The Edd he no longer knew was lost to him, forever left behind in the wake of this, his resurrection.
The thick sickly green jacket Edd had commandeered sat heavily on his shoulders but the mild discomfort of the added weight was not enough to get him to remove it. Winter had not yet passed and this coat would serve to protect him from the blistering cold until spring came. When it did he hoped he would have gathered enough of himself to return the jacket to its rightful owner even if Ed didn't believe for a second he would ever see it or the young man wearing it ever again.
Gentle giant Ed had known the moment Eddward appeared on his door step that something was about to happen. He couldn't sense if it was good or bad but the determined look in the sockhead's eyes had been enough for him to understand nothing was going to stop him. When Edd expressed his intentions for having visited him in the middle of the night, much to his discretion in the wake of his and Edwin's tremulous falling out, Ed had spent a majority of their time together in silence,staring off and away as though his words had not quite registered with him. He knew better though than to assume Ed needed further clarification. Ed was no fool. He knew exactly what Eddward had meant and it was in that quiet moment in the soft fuzzy glow of the television, somewhere in the middle of their impromptu monster movie marathon, that the comic book lover realized there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to change the Edd's mind.
"Double D."
"Yes Ed?" It had struck him how quiet Ed sounded, as though struggling to hold something back.
"Is… Is this really what you want?"
There was no pause in his answer, even as Ed began to fidget and pinch the pillow in his lap nervously.
"Yes. With all my heart. You do understand. Don't you?"
It hard to miss the way Ed's eyes had moistened during their talk. Ed was a sensitive creature after all. He'd just gotten his friend back and now he was about to lose him again. He wondered where the times had gone. Why things were so different now that they were grownups. Smarty pants Double D seemed to have figured it out already but once more Ed felt left in the dark. He trusted Edd more than anyone. Even Eddy. He loved Eddy but the guy was too brash and unpredictable. He always thought of Edd as like a lady. Poised and determined to get what he wants. Sarah always used to say 'a lady knows when it's her time'. Whatever that meant. It was the same thing their mother had told them in the old folks home when his beloved gram-gram took that 'long limousine ride to paradise' and that same overwhelming feeling of loss overcame him when Edd looked him straight in the eye and said his goodbyes for what felt like the last time.
Suddenly he felt clustered. Hugged too tightly in his jacket as he looked over his slimmer friend's build. Without thinking he tore off his jacket in a huff, as though the damn thing had burned him, shocking the sockhead out of his pensiveness and questioning why Ed would ever do such a thing. He had never known Ed to be without his coat. It was… his coat! He'd spent years growing into that thing and never went a day wearing anything else. Yet there he had sat in his red and white striped t-shirt, gripping the heavy corduroy fabric in his hands before gently placing it atop Eddward's shoulders and pressing their foreheads together. Just like this mother did when gram-gram took her leave of this world.
"Then, promise me you'll be safe."
Edd's chest had quivered from the warm embrace love had on his heart.
"Ed I-"
He couldn't even get the words out before he found himself pressed to Ed's chest, strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and a teary face smothered into his hat. The man's steady heartbeat pounded in his ears and Edd fought not to let the tears brimming in his eyes escape.
"I promise." He didn't want to let go but somehow found the courage to pull away, even when Ed clung to him a couple seconds longer. "Ed I promise, no matter where I go or what I do, all shall be faced with a clear mind and an open heart." His smile was anything but disheartening. "And I wish nothing but the best for you and Sarah. Perhaps one day you'll come to understand this better and find your own way in life. Whether that's here or somewhere else."
He was rather thankful Ed didn't walk him to the door. It was hard enough just to say goodbye and to have prolonged it any further would have truly driven home just how miserable it was to leave everything and everyone he knew behind. Knowing this, however, was not enough to stop him in his tracks. Eddward knew what he needed to do. A massive change was on the horizon and he had to buck up and reach for it. Waiting around for things to change without so much as stepping a foot forward was as pointless and tragic as marching backwards. A butterfly would never be had it not been for the caterpillar's willingness to mutate. To understand its own true nature from the closed doors at its back to the open paths that lay freely for it to follow. Without it the butterfly would just remain a plain old caterpillar, never truly rising to its purpose in the world and that was no life he wanted to live.
For Edd to undergo his own metamorphosis he had to face the facts. He had made some terrible decisions. It was hard to admit but no man walked this earth without a sin to call their own. He had allowed himself to be guided by naivety, allowing pride and fear to lure him back into comfortable habits. They were welcoming and all too consuming, tempting him to shut his eyes against logic and principle but somewhere deep inside the truth had held on stubbornly.
He shouldn't have relied on Edwin so much. He shouldn't have given his mother clearance to run his life when she so clearly couldn't manage her own. And he shouldn't have left Kevin. It was obvious that Edd ran from his problems the moment they appeared. Facing one's obstacles was never easy but running from them never solved a single issue. A temporary fix would be the best he could hope for but without the will to stand firm in the face of his misfortunes, cowardice became his name and a deep sense of shame befell him.
Edwin wanted Edd to depend on him but this could no longer be. He didn't belong in Peach Creek. He didn't belong in this house, in this town, nor with the people who dwelled within it. He had changed and to go back on that change was to steal the sky away from the butterfly and force it back to ground. Remaining stagnant with the ghosts of his past was no way to live. With his mother's addiction rearing its ugly face there would be no peace in the house he once called home. With Edwin's constant overbearing attitude and need to control everything he could never learn to be self-sufficient. He would be forever caught in a loop of symbiotic unhappiness. In Peach Creek he was doomed to walk the path his poor sweet childhood had stumbled upon. Eddward knew he deserved better and it was about time he faced the facts.
He had better and had thrown it away so carelessly.
He could blame Edwin for having tracked him down. He could point the finger at his mother for having been so selfish in nearly taking her life and forcing him back to this one horse town, but the blame truly lay with him. Had he understood this all from the very beginning he never would have allowed his mother's narcissism nor Edwin's pleas to drive him out of the arms of the only man who ever treated him with respect and dignity. Kevin may never know this but that jacket wearing, motorcycling, red-headed angel in disguise had given him the world. The same world he so recklessly discarded like yesterday's trash.
Kevin had never asked for much in return and now all Edd could think about was returning every gesture, every kind hearted word and piece of wisdom he had passed on by venturing forth into the world and getting back to what really mattered. It rendered Edd's heart in two to think that he might never have that chance with him again. Kevin Joseph Barr was a one of kind man and if Edd hadn't been before, he certainly wasn't worthy of him now. Maybe one day, when Edd returned to New York, he would be able to face him again. To face what might have been and confront his terrible mistake like a man.
Edd left the bathroom long before the mirror began to clear, the end of his thick purple scarf dancing behind him as he strolled rather casually back into his room. Everything was in its place. Everything properly labeled, dusted and precisely arranged just like always. At one point this had meant something to him. Now it stood as a testament to his cry for help that no one had noticed. Sure he had some pleasant memories here and there but they were just that. Memories; and memories belonged exactly where they were: in the past.
A bitter smile swept across his face as he turned from the room leaving the door wide open. Any and all were now welcomed inside. They could do as they saw fit with the belongings; his telescope, his bug collection, all of it. He wouldn't miss them.
His footsteps were light on the hardwood floors but even the soft pitter-patter of his heel toe strut didn't go unnoticed by the residents moping dejectedly in the living room. He knew that at some point he would have to face Edwin and his mother once more but this time he was prepared. He wasn't going to allow their complexity to delay him any further. He'd been held back enough by his own cowardice as it was. If he was to be the kind of man Kevin had seen in him all along then now was time to, as Kevin had once put it, 'nut up and shut up'.
"Where are you going?"
Edd had reached the entry way of the living room when the soft tenor of his mother's voice suddenly sprang to life. It was quiet but scratchy, as though she had just been weeping uncontrollably in the last hour or so. Edwin on the other hand remained silent, leaning against the wall beside the television so that his cold and calculating eyes could stare dead ahead at the wall near the front foor. He looked at nothing else, his glare so intense Edd thought if he walked right within his gaze that he would melt to the ground like a snow ball in summer.
Inhaling deeply, Edd allowed his breath to soothe him over, rolling his shoulders as he dropped his hands into his coat pockets. He'd done what he could with the smell but there was no denying the under stench of cheese that somehow permanently perfumed the inner lining of the jacket. Yet he wore it proudly, holes and all as he faced his mother and her inquisitive expression head on.
Keep it short, sweet and to the point. Like ripping off a band aid.
"I'm leaving."
Bernice had been curled up on the couch watching the news rather drolly with a glass of wine in her hand. Usually when she was up and about the sockhead kept to himself, staying to his room and forbidding her entry. Not that it mattered much to her these days. Yet the contents of her glass nearly spilled out when she uncurled herself enough to spin around and face him. Had she just heard him correctly?
"W-what?" Her voice had cracked even further, her eyes widening in disbelief. "Oh. You mean you're going out?"
Edd shook his head. "No mother. I am leaving."
She blinked several times, as though she couldn't understand what he was saying. Edd sighed because he knew this was coming. Before she could get a word in edgewise Eddward interrupted her, stepping further into the living room as he spoke. He would be lying if he said he didn't feel like a pirate walking a short pace over a long and narrow plank with the sharks just waiting at the bottom to devour him.
"I have decided that enough is enough." He said, staring directly into her pitiful gaze. "I can no longer stay here and pretend that what is happening around me is ok because it is not. Once I leave here…" He inhaled sharply. "I am not coming back."
Bernice tumbled off the couch, her glass of wine falling from her hand and splashing over the floor as she climbed to her feet. She held onto the back of the couch as she rounded it, her nails biting into the fabric as his words began to sink in. Yet she still couldn't believe it.
"Eddward. Hunny what you are talking about."
He shook his head. He hated the way his mother would stare at him, as though begging him for the help she so desperately needed but refused to seek on her own. He knew now that her demons were hers alone to face. Not his. They were never his burden to bear and neither was it Edwin's. He knew what he needed to do. He supposed it was only a matter of time before Edwin figured out the same.
"For my own health I have decided to return from whence I came."
Bernice's eyes widened even further and he swore he could see the start of her crocodile tears lining up for the big spill.
"I don't belong here anymore than Edwin does."
The sharp turn of the dancer's gaze did not go unnoticed to the sockhead but he remained resolute.
"Your self-destructive motives have caused nothing but misery and no matter how much I wish I could take your burdens from you that is just not my purpose in life."
Eddward retracted a hand from his pocket to stare at it, eyeing every ling and contour in the process. His fingers were long and slender. His nails perfectly rounded at the ends. He couldn't wait until they were no longer so.
"As your son it was my duty to honor you. To ensure that I live up to my potential and proceed in life with the knowledge that what you have taught me would encourage me to be my best. I admit now that my choices have done the exact opposite." He replaced his hand in his pocket. "While you are not without your own misgivings I made the terrible choice of allowing myself to be held back by you and Edwin."
Bernice's arms began to shake and sure enough the tears began to spill. Edwin had torn his gaze away, returning to glare vehemently at the wall.
"It was a conscious choice. One I regret deeply." He repressed the urge to shudder as an image of Kevin came to mind. "By choosing to return to this unhappy place I turned my back on perhaps the greatest thing I had in my life." His hands balled into unseen fists. "My confidence. My fortitude. I had lost it all."
Bernice approached Edd on shaky legs, shaking her head.
"Eddward hunny. That's not true."
She cupped the side of his face and forced a smile, her lips reddening as she caressed her baby boy's hair through her fingers that were trapped beneath that silly hat of his. My how he has grown. Such a man now. Just like… like… The longer she stared into his eyes the more familiar that look of dissonance was becoming.
Her hand fell away from his face.
"That's not true." Her tone rose in defense. "I never held you back."
"Of course it is." He said patiently. "You're just afraid to admit it. Much like I was."
Again Bernice shook her head, combing her fingers raggedly through her hair. She swears she's heard this once before. The same kind of rhetoric from a man she thought would never abandon her or their son, but did so anyways. Through the haze of her evening buzz memories she tried so hard to drown away with liquor came roaring back to life in sickening detail. She swore she'd never do it, had promised herself that she'd make no link but… in that moment, Edd looked exactly his father.
"Why are you saying these things?"
Eddward sighed through his nose and cocked his head. "Because it's time to face a long awaited truth mother."
Just like his father said.
"Enough!" She spat. "I have heard enough of this. This house is a fine house. There is nothing wrong with it."
Edd pursed his lips as he braced himself for her rage. "It's diseased."
"By what? The black fucking plague?" She paced directly in front of him, rubbing her hands up along her arms but her display wasn't moving him. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know enough, mother, to dispel fact from fiction. Your addiction plagues this house and continuously feeds its inner turmoil." His eyes danced to Edwin for the briefest moment, catching how down trodden the stoic man's eyes had become. "No one is happy here. Don't you see that?"
Bernice snorted. "Oh please. You're just whining because you can't have things your way."
"It's not about having it my way." Edd retorted firmly. "It's about facing the consequences of my actions. I can't honor you like a good son if I continue to aid in your deterioration by allowing your sickness to infect my mental health."
She laughed in his face. "I look out for you and this is the thanks I get? You're being an idiot."
The blow was harsh but so was the smell of wine on her breath. "This is what I am talking about. Without proper guidance I cannot grow as a person."
Bernice crossed her arms, her eyes narrowing. "I think I raised you pretty damn well."
Edd shook his head. "You didn't raise me. Edwin did."
Bernice's arms fell to her side hopelessly, whatever air of smugness she clung to suddenly dissipating like fog in the open air.
"I have not come here to trade blows with you mother but I will no longer stand aside and play into your little mind games!"
Eddward stepped around his mother, leaving her to stand staring blankly across the room. She was beyond stunned, speechless. He'd raised his voice to her before but nothing like that. Her mind was in a whirlwind but she couldn't piece enough words together to speak a coherent sentence as she watched her son walk away. Edwin's eyes followed him but he made no move to stop him. Even to Edd's surprise he breathed not a single word of objection and merely watched as the man he loved walked passed him without any hesitation.
Outside the wind had died down leaving the cul-de-sac in a fresh blanket of white. Through the cracks in the door Eddward could smell the air just beyond the wooden barrier and quivered in anticipation. He knew after this there was no going back. His hand touched the door handle, caressing the smooth brass fixture as he committed this moment to memory. He turned to give one last look at his mother. Her face was a mess of tears but they held no power to sway him.
Edwin very slowly stood from the wall as Edd's eyes landed on him. His hands were balled into fists at his side, each knuckle burning pale and white. His eyes were alit. A tempest brewing in them. There was so much he wanted to say but Edwin had no desire to speak. Words were not powerful enough to convey what he was feeling nor what passed through his mind the moment he realized that this was the end. Still, Eddward found it in himself to smile. Admittedly it was a sad smile. A smile that was fond and understanding but inflexible in the wake of their resistance.
He would miss his mother and he would miss Edwin as well. They were forces in his life that had left a permanent mark in his history. For all the negative things he could remember them for, he only wanted to remember the good. Bernice had worked so hard by herself to provide for him when he was a baby. It was her sacrifice for his survival. And Edwin, so bold and forward took such great of him for many years. The man had loved him so fiercely and unconditionally it almost felt like a dream that someone could love him that much.
When he opened the door a burst of cool air struck him, stealing away the heat in his lungs. He breathed it in with vigor, his eyes nearly falling shut as his heart pounded eagerly in his chest. The sky a beautiful shade of grey with silver lined clouds dancing in the atmosphere. The trees were bear with the exception of icicles that dangled precariously from their branches. The setting sun's light burst from over the tree tops in the north, spilling hues of orange and gold across the empty street. The horizon never looked more tempting to follow and he couldn't wait until he got to where he was going. It may be back to garbage cans and park benches for him but the proverbial end of the line for so many had become his prelude.
The first crunch of snow beneath his foot step rang in his ears like church bells on a beautiful Sunday morning. So he took another one; and then another, but before he got far he stopped. His mother had followed him to the door way with Edwin looming some feet behind her, staring after him longingly but making no move to cross that threshold. When Edd spoke it was over his shoulder, his eyes alit with the feeling of pure joy.
"I love you both very much and while you might not ever understand, perhaps one day you will come to terms with this."
And just like that, the sockhead was gone. Leaving his drunken mother distraught and a broken hearted lover to forever wonder why as their eyes followed the imprints of Eddward's sneakers in the snow.
I feel like Edd right now, breathing that exceptional sigh of relief for getting this chapter out. I don't like that it took me so long but hey its here and I can move forward now.
Hope you guys enjoyed it.
I'll do my best to respond to your comments more promptly in the future. I know I've been lacking in that department but that doesn't change the fact I appreciate each and every comment I receive. So, like always, feel free to leave a word or two behind and I'll see you guys next update.
Ciao!
