Time passed and Piper found herself able to sleep through the night. She met with Roger regularly and wrote Alex. It wasn't enough though. She lived for the times she called. She spoke to Larry on the phone and it was like they were dating again. She did finally tell him that she was attacked by a guard. He was mad at her for not saying anything when it happened. He felt he could have made it better. He just didn't understand that anything he could have done would have made it worse. He didn't believe that she had taken care of it herself. Piper hadn't really given him the details but she told him that she made sure the guard left. She didn't tell him everything but it felt good to speak to him about why she felt afraid when he got close. She hoped it made him feel better.

She went to see Cal and finally met, Neri. Piper could tell she made her nervous. "Um are you ok that I'm here?" Piper asked as she tried to help her carry food in to the camper. Neri just nodded and then froze as if thinking.

"He talks about you a lot. What you think really matters to him more than anyone in the family. I guess I've been scared to meet you because if you didn't like me or the way we were together, he'd take that to heart." She admitted. Piper was stunned.

"Oh I don' t know about all that. I do know that what is important to me is that you make him happy. That is all that matters. "she said. Yet she couldn't resist adding, "And if you break his heart, I'll break your face." She smiled and left Neri in the camper. Piper wasn't sure why she said it but she just knew it to be true. She walked over to her brother and bent down to hug him while he sat in his lawn chair. He made a lame joke about prison making her all touchy feely. She hugged him harder anyway. He had taken to calling her Shawshank and somehow it had stuck.

The weekend had been wonderful because she was out of the city and with her brother in nature. She walked with him to a lake and they sat and talked. It was fall and the leaves had changed. She had written Alex and tried to describe them but remembered she probably saw much the same out in the yard. She told Cal that she still communicated with Alex. He said he had guessed it because Piper was doing so well.

"I can't believe it but I think loving her has been good for you...hard on you considering the circumstances but you aren't such an uptight bitch now. Or maybe it is just the whole prison thing. Who can say," Cal said. Her brother, ever the blunt philosopher.

Her therapist asked her some hard questions. She had mentioned the Polyamorous relationship she had for her last months in prison. She had felt solid and loved. The doctor asked her if she felt that was because she had both a man and a woman or that she was finally allowed to love Alex again? It helped Piper to think about why she had left Alex before. She had done it to save her own life. She worked and created a life that she thought someone could be proud of and that life had eventually centered around Larry. Although she had dated men and women between them, she broke her life in to two segments. Compartmentalized as Alex had accused her. There was her childhood, privileged but not happy. She was bored with her safe life. Along came Alex and a life so different from the one she was raised to lead that Piper had been drawn to her like a flame. More than that though, Alex had made her feel. She had loved her like no one had ever loved her but the choices Alex made eventually were too different for Piper to maintain.

She wrote some of this to Alex. She said she'd been thinking about why she had loved her so and why she had left. The doctor asked her why she felt Alex was so inevitable? Piper said she didn't know. The doctor suggested that while she was in prison she didn't have to pretend she was a good upper class girl. While she was there she could be the parts of herself she'd only shown Alex. So maybe what was inevitable wasn't just her love for Alex but her being true to herself.

After that session, Piper had the worst nightmare in weeks. She woke at 2 AM screaming for Alex. In her dream Alex was bent over a laundry bin and Larry was raping her. Piper tried to stop him, tried to move to her and make it all stop but she couldn't move. She was shackled like Alex was when she went to Chicago and that was attached to a fence. When she finally woke, her throat was raw from screaming. She didn't have to work the next day as the offices were closed down for renovation. She did something she hadn't done in a long while, she called Polly.

"Hello, Pipes what's wrong?" she answered in her groggy voice. Piper felt bad about waking her but her heart was racing still from her own fears.

"I..dreamed again. It was bad..it wasn't me hurt but Alex. I got a bad feeling. Did she call you today? Was she fine when you last talked?" Piper asked. She heard Polly speak to Pete and then the rustling of covers as she got up.

"No. She hasn't called at all this week and she was fine. It wasn't a long call. You know I always tell you. You meet Roger next week right?" Polly said to her to try and calm her. Piper had been getting better on waiting for the letters. Alex would call her maybe three times a month...usually only once with Polly and each time she met with Roger.

"Yeah, I'm just scared." Piper sounded so like a child, it made herself sick to hear.

Polly took a deep breath and asked, "Tell me about the dream." Piper had told Polly some of the details about Henton. She shared after a few weeks of therapy about how he had threatened to hurt Alex.

"She was bent over the bin, her head in the bag. Like he did me, so I couldn't see him..she was begging him to stop. Alex doesn't beg so it made me want to throw up. I couldn't get to her and the guy was Larry. He was raping her. " Piper whispered it she hoped Polly heard because she wasn't sure she could repeat it.

"Oh Pipes, I'm so sorry. Did you talk about anything hard today in therapy?" Polly urged.

"Just owning my own shit...pointing out that maybe I was more my true self when with Alex and that is why she feels so inevitable to me. Do you think I'm more me when I was with her?" She asked. No one knew her like Polly.

Polly was quiet a moment, "It's weird Piper. You changed after her. You changed after prison. I don't think it means that it is loving Alex or Larry that did it but just life. I'm different with Pete. God knows I'm different after Finn. My life has changed me. I will say I think you are much more empathetic and aware after prison." Piper thought for a moment about what she said.

"I love you Polly. Thanks for taking my call. Get some sleep, I'll see you Sunday." Piper said. Polly said goodnight and they hung up. She stayed awake all night and once it was a decent hour, she called Roger.

"Roger here." He answered in his business tone. Piper smiled as she said hello. "Oh Hiya girl. How are you? Is work boring today?"

"No, I'm not in today, we are getting new office furniture and the walls painted. No, I wanted to know when you talked to Alex last." Piper asked him. She made it a point never to bother him about Alex. He was already doing so much for them.

"Um...she called me a few days ago," he said. Piper felt something was wrong by his tone. He continued, "She told me that she may not be able to call for a bit and not to worry. She said she mailed out your didn't want to tell her this and that made her think that Alex asked him not to tell her before their scheduled date.

"Roger, please...did she say why? She didn't tell Polly anything. Please tell me."Piper was begging him. She has slipped out of the stool at the kitchen bar and was sitting in the floor with her knees tucked up.

He sighed some. "She said there was a new girl in the laundry and she was causing shit. Alex said she pulled a prank on her and fucked up Alex's loads with some dye. She got charged for the mess up and was most likely going to lose her phone. You know Alex, she'll get her back in a way that can't be traced to her. Just be patient and ride it out." Piper thanked him and hung up. It took her three hours to get off the floor. She called her doctor and asked for some medicine for anxiety.

That next week Piper opened her letter at the table. Roger wasn't surprised but she could tell it upset him not to be able to give her the phone with Alex on the other end.

Hey Kid,

There are some stupid bitches in this place. There is this new girl, Holden, in the laundry. She just feels like she has to challenge everything I do. She did some shit and now I'm gonna lose privileges. I hate that. I swear I live to hear your voice.

Nicky told me she'd pretend to be you so I could still feel good. She didn't do a half bad impression. Of course, she got sexual with it and tried to turn it in to pretend phone sex. I laughed though and I think that was her whole point. I'm kinda proud of her though. She hasn't fucked anyone since Lorna started to come visit her every other week. It is weird to see her so happy. I swear Red looks at her and beams like a mother with her first child.

Stacy has been a godsend too. She is a great person. Crazy eyes is like her best friend and for some reason it works. Never once has she called Stace her wife, much to everyone's relief. I was worried when we started hanging out that Crazy Eyes would like visit me in the night but she has been cool about it all.

As Thanksgiving approaches all I can think of is last year. It was the time I realized I'd never stopped loving you, kid. Now, Christmas is one holiday I dread, I'm sure you will have your own memories to overcome. All I want from you for the Holidays is an extra long letter and a promise to be good to yourself. Please be good to yourself for me. We're going to exchange names again this year. Two of the girls asked me if I knew how to make some of your lotion. Red has asked me twice. I told them that talent isn't transferred through sexual osmosis. Nicky thought it was hilarious, I think it confused the others. No worries about me giving the same gift I did last year! I decided I would give whomever I got ingredients for a casserole from my commissary. It is either that or I try poetry again and well you know, I only like to do that for my best girl.

You are my best.

Yours always, A

Piper was worried about her loss of privileges but it felt good to know she was hanging in there and her friends were all about. Alex didn't mention what she was going to do to the girl, but Piper figured it would be good. She filled her prescription on her way home and called Polly to tell her about Alex. She poured herself a glass of wine and decided to write her back.

Dear Alex,

I fucking hate Holden. I hate anyone that keeps me from hearing your voice. Be careful as you do what you must do and please stay safe. I'm thrilled to hear about Nicky and Lorna. I'm happy about Stace and her friend. I hope she is a comfort to you and I hope that comfort remains platonic. I've read platonic comfort is the best. Just saying.

I think the casserole idea is a great one for a gift. Of course it will not be the same as the ones you've eaten in the past but I'm sure they will try. As Thanksgiving approaches, I am excited to be with my family. Yes..I said it. You'd be surprised at how much closer I am to them now. C...wow...it is so odd but we talk a couple of times a week. He even stays with me when he comes in to the City to work with the gallery. You know the one I wrote you about. Now last year I don't think I enjoyed my food very much...I think perhaps it was one of the scariest things ever. But the days that followed, the 'Black Friday' weekend was the most amazing of my life. So on that day, I will draw a bath, slide in to it and remember. I will remember and run my hands all over...I will remember, like a do most nights and I will come so hard whispering your name.

That is my fucksgiving gift to you. I'll try and get through the holidays without having the one thing I want more than anything. You do the same. It will be eight months soon. Eight months of writing to each other. We can do this.

Love you,

Sissy

Winter had come to New York and Piper waited out hearing Alex's voice again. Two weeks had passed and couldn't see Roger again until after the Thanksgiving weekend. He was taking Chris to Miami for Thanksgiving . Piper had been happy for him and she hoped she showed it. The family had met at Larry's for dinner. They had gone out twice on a date and it had gone well. He was working more now and they felt easier around each other. He asked her twice though to move back in with him. She had refused. She wasn't sure where they were going but she knew her independence had become precious to her. She, Larry and Cal prepared the dinner and invited them all over. It was nice to be back in the apartment. Piper had issues missing Alex throughout the meal but made a real effort not to show it. They ate too much and even though her parents were there, they didn't fight once. It was like a holiday she had always wanted. Larry asked her to stay the night as their guests left. He had been over to her place a few times now. She told him she wasn't ready to spend the night and she could tell he was frustrated. She just didn't take all the blame for that anymore.

When Roger got back, she met with him at their usual time and place. Both of them were nervous and hopeful that Alex could call. The meal was almost over and Piper was about to read her letter at the table again when the phone rang. Roger answered it so fast he almost dropped it. Piper held her breath as smiled and pressed the one. She literally sat on her hands to keep from attempting to snatch the phone away. She knew he'd been worried to and needed to talk to his friend.

"Hey Alex, damn I'm so glad you could call. Are you okay? Great, yes yes..you got the day right. I love you and call me later, here she is." He said as he handed the phone over.

"Hey Baby," she said and then burst in to tears.

"Hush..hush...it's okay. I'm okay. I'm all back now, full privs and let's just say the girl wishes she'd never fucked with me." Alex said in a thick voice that let Piper know she was fighting tears as well.

"I hated not talking to you before Thanksgiving. Fuck we were stupid to think we could do this without talking. I ate turkey and went to the bathroom and cried. Only Polly noticed though. Oh..if you can call her. She acts like she doesn't care but it is bugging her too." Piper responded.

" I miss her cynical view on things as well. You two are alike in many ways but she is a bit more ruthless. I like that. Everyone says hi. Our Thanksgiving meal was great. Carmen was allowed to make a Mexican side dish,n ot sure what it is called but it went well with Red's gravy. Tell me about your meal." Alex asked. Piper told her all about it and about how Cal had announced the date for his wedding would be Valentine's Day. They both laughed because they knew he'd picked that just so he'd remember it better.

"My therapy is going well. I..did get some anxiety meds because my dreams are back a few nights a week and .." Piper didn't finish.

"And you couldn't talk to me. Fuck, I was worried that would happen." Alex seemed so upset. Piper closed her eyes and thought to herself how much she loved this woman.

"Listen to me Alex Vause, my mental health is my own responsiblity. It is up to me to get my mind right and only I can work on actually sleeping through the night. There are going to be set backs with my state of mind. You aren't responsible so let yourself off the hook." Piper admonished gently.

Alex was quiet a few minute and Piper asked if she was still there. "Yeah I'm here. You're really growing up on me, Kid. I hope you don't outgrow me."She said in a joking voice but Piper could hear the underlining fear.

"Impossible. I've still got some catching up to do. Besides, I'd rather grow towards you. " she replied.

"I love you." Alex said simply. Piper closed her eyes and let the wonder of those words wash over her. Rarely did Alex say it first.

"I love you too." She responded. Roger actually put down his fork and clapped. Piper laughed and said to Alex, "See, growing towards you." Alex had to go so they got off with a talk to you soon.

Things went back to normal and though Piper tried not to worry, she did. She also had Roger send Alex a care package of classic books. Each one had a series of numbers on the pages. It was one of the codes Alex used to use to send messages to her mules. It would spell out something Piper wanted her to know. A Robert Frost poem collection book told her that Piper had masturbated to a scene from one of their favorite movies, When Night is Falling and thought of her the whole time. She had hoped figuring them out had been as much fun as coming up with the messages. For her present Alex sent her three letters. The first one was their normal correspondence. The other one had been one like they wrote iwhen she was away. It was full of observations.

Today a bird landed on that specific tree and I hated its guts. It could fly away, all the way to you and it could stand to be near that tree and not throw up

I swear my roommate purposely doesn't shower for days so I'll have to hang out with others

Would it hurt to paint something around this place is a bright color? I mean what would we do...cause a riot because there was red on the wall? Maybe we would all kill ourselves if the tile was blue. I miss vibrant colors.

She laughed at some and cried at others. She spoke to Alex three times in December and her spirits all seemed up. The new year came and Piper went out with Larry to celebrate. They went to a party with some of their old friends. She realized right quick that hardly anyone knew they didn't live together anymore. Larry just kept on pretending that was fine.

Once they were alone, Piper asked him. "so you haven't really told your friends that I moved out MONTHS ago?" He shrugged and tried to distract her by pointing out that a very drunk date of one of his college buddies may fall in to a potted plant. Piper turned him to face her, "I'm serious Larry. How does this help to lie to your friends?"

"What should I tell them Piper? That you live someplace else and we date casually? That you pine away for your female criminal lover rather than really try and make it work with me?" he bit out in response to her urging. Piper blinked in surprise.

"I don't agree with that statement. I'm not dating anyone else Larry, this isn't casual, it is just what I need to be healthy right now. I really wish you'd see that my problems...no that I do not begin and end with you. Grow up and get your own life. Maybe if you did more of that and less pretending, we could grow in to something new. I won't be going back to the old way Larry. I can't. " Piper said it all to him gently but she left the party before the ball dropped. She luckily found a cab and was halfway home when the Cabby wished her a happy new year. She closed her eyes and thought of Alex, quiet in her bunk with some girls perhaps calling out Happy New Year while others snored.

***Fifty-one. I hope you aren't bored with the story. It is focused on Piper's recovery and their hardships communicating right now. I also hope you see growth in Vause . I try to avoid actual dates so if the time is wrong don't fret. What matters to me is the time that passes on her probation. Please keep reviewing!F