Didn't realize I'd have another one so quickly - but here it is. Thanks for hanging in!!
--
"Yes, he's trying very hard to be nice, to help me."
"How does that make you feel, Alex?"
"Uncomfortable."
"Go on."
"I have argued with this man every day since the day we met. I disagree with everything he does, his policing, his tactics. He could not be more different from me, from my life, from what I want."
"Is that a problem?"
"Of course it's a problem! I cannot remember the past 10 months of my life, and everyone I know is telling me I am in love with a man I feel I barely know. A man who clearly has feelings for me I do not share or understand."
"Have you talked to him about this yet Alex? You've been out of the hospital for three weeks now."
She hadn't talked to him about it. She had barely talked to him at all in the past week, since he'd kissed her in the bathroom. She'd wanted to apologize the next morning, she should never have let it happen, but he'd been gone when she woke up, and he'd made himself scarce since then. He only showed up to drive her to her appointments, saying little, revealing less.
"No. I haven't."
"Alex, every time we talk, you tell me the same thing. And you yourself have acknowledged that Gene Hunt is your best possibility of working out your lost memories, of remembering. There must be some reason you won't engage him in the process."
"I've already told you. Every time I get near him I get dizzy, I can't concentrate."
"And you told that to Dr. Emory?"
"Yes."
"Did he prescribe anything?"
"He wanted to. But I asked him not to."
"Why, Alex?"
"Because I was afraid they'd disappear. I've already told you I think they're flashes of my memory trying to break through. I don't want to take anything that might dampen them."
"But you won't talk to Gene."
"I -" Alex stopped. "No. Apparently not." She smiled grimly at her psychologist.
"Why not?"
Alex didn't answer. She knew where this was heading. When she'd started seeing the psychologist she knew that the only way it was going to be of any help was if she went into it honestly, ignored the tricks, played along. But now she couldn't. She knew the reason she hadn't involved Gene was that she wasn't sure how she would react if she found out it was true. That he was in love with her. That she was in love with him. It was too hard for her to comprehend and if she shut him out she could pretend it wasn't going to be real.
"What would happen, Alex, if you found out you were in love with Gene?"
She shook her head. He was everything she had never wanted in her life. "I don't know."
"It seems to me that you already know the steps you should take. It's your decision to take them or not."
Alex nodded. She knew that.
--
After finishing her appointments, Alex found Gene outside the hospital, leaning against the Quattro reading a racing form. He opened the door for her without looking at her, making sure she was all the way in before shutting the door and moving around to the driver's side.
"Everything OK?" He always asked the same question.
"Yes. The doctor says my head is healing nicely. They'd like me to have a CT next week and they might give me the all clear to go back to work."
"CT?"
"Yes. It's a new technology. Lets them look inside my head without opening it up again."
Gene grunted and drove in silence all of the way back. "Do you want to go back to work Alex?"
"Yes. If you'd have me back, Gene." She looked at him, but he kept his eyes on the road.
"I'll talk to the Super. Maybe I can get you on desk duty while we wait for your memories to come back."
He squealed to a halt in front of their building, leaving the engine running.
"Not getting out?"
"No." He didn't elaborate.
"When will you be home again?"
"Don't know." He didn't look at her.
Alex took a deep breath. "Gene. I think we should talk."
He turned to face her, his stony expression falling just a little as he did. "If you want to."
"Just...next time you have some time, OK?" She opened the door and got out.
Gene watched her walk away, his heart in his throat. He didn't want to talk. Talking was never good.
--
"Guv I've got something on the counterfeit notes we've been seeing." Ray followed Gene into his office.
"I thought Rogers was working on that case Ray."
"He was. He's out sick again."
Gene looked up from behind his desk. "Again? Call 'im up and tell 'im if 'e's not 'ere in 25 minutes I'll kick 'is balls in again. And again every day until he comes up with a bloody collar. Bloody useless little scrote."
"OK, Guv." Ray frowned. "But I still 'ave something on the counterfeiters."
"Fine." He sat back in his chair. "Give it to me."
Ray had information on a large shipment of notes coming in on the river and Gene was more than happy to set up a stakeout for the night. Truthfully, he'd be happy to sit there all night if it meant he wouldn't have to go home and have Alex ask him to move out. He was certain that was what she wanted to talk about.
He didn't call and let her know. He'd stopped doing that after the first week. After making sure he had a full flask and a backup, Gene stopped at an off-license for an extra bottle before parking at the arranged location. After the first stakeout weeks ago, he'd made Ray and Chris take a separate car. He couldn't stand listening to them – Ray planning his wedding and Chris, well, being Chris. And when they caught themselves the silence was worse. So they kept radio contact, but Gene sat alone in the Quattro.
It was after eleven by the time their targets started hauling boxes up off a barge and Gene had emptied both flasks. Almost drunk when he made the arrests, Gene still managed to break the teeth of two of the suspects before shoving them into waiting squad cars.
Gene stood panting as Ray supervised the remaining arrests and moving of the notes.
"See you back at the station Guv?" Ray looked at him questioningly. He hadn't been this drunk on the job in a long time, and not since they'd moved down to London. Chris looked at Ray with a worried expression.
"Maybe Ray. Maybe not. You finish up."
"Maybe Chris can drive you home then?"
"Chris can't drive." Gene staggered to the Quattro and pulled the unopened bottle of whisky through the passenger's side window. "An' 'm not goin' home anyway. Not fer a while yet." Saluting them with the bottle Gene wandered off towards the water.
"Maybe I should stay here Ray." Chris offered.
Ray took a deep breath, nodding. "Just – stay out of sight. I don't think he'd like to know 'e's got a babysitter."
"Leave me the car then, eh?"
Ray agreed and left with the uniformed officers.
--
Gene walked gingerly down to the water's edge, sitting on a short dock that stuck out into the Thames. Struggling to open the bottle, he swallowed a generous amount before setting it down next to him.
"Bloody freezing out 'ere. Should've worn my damn coat." Gene stuck his hand in his pocket, pulling out the small box with Alex's ring inside. He sniffed and opened the box. The rock sparkled even in the low city lights.
"What a waste you are." He'd been so stupid. He did think she'd say yes, before. Even though they'd never talked about it. Were you supposed to talk about it nowadays? Or were you just supposed to pop the question? He realized he didn't know. He was too old to know these things. Too old for something like this to happen to him. To be that lucky. Being in love was for stupid bloody teenagers. He knew that and he let it happen anyway.
Gene looked over the water, snapping the box open and closed with both hands. He wondered if it would float, make its way down the river until the next stupid bastard found it.
"Probably sink to the bottom. Sit there for a bloody thousand years covered in scum and rubbish." Gene snorted, closing his hand around the box, squeezing it in his grip. Just chuck it and let go. It wouldn't take much. Just chuck it....
--
Chris followed Gene home. He didn't bother to stay too far behind him. There was no way the Guv'd notice in the condition he was in. He was somewhat relieved that, drunk as Gene was, he didn't drive faster. Gene managed to park the Quattro, and Chris hung around until he saw Gene let himself into the flat. But not before he turned around and waved goodnight.
--
Gene crashed through the door of the flat, tripping over Alex's boots on his way to the sofa. He removed his jacket and shirt and shoes and belt, same as he did every night before lying down. He emptied his pockets, keys, wallet, Alex's ring. Same as he did every night.
Picking up the box, he held it in his hand once more. Suddenly ashamed that he hadn't had the nerve to throw it in the river. At least he didn't have to carry it around anymore.
Stumbling to the bedroom, he turned the doorknob, knowing he should try not to wake Alex, but not sure how to be quiet. Making his way to his chest of drawers, he pulled open the top drawer, the one with his socks in it, and stuck the box all the way in the back. She'd never find it there.
"C'n bloody stay there forever now." He slammed the drawer shut.
"Gene?" She rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?"
"Dunno. Sorry. S'late. 'Ad t'put somethin' 'way." He moved awkwardly toward the door. "Go back t'sleep."
"Wait, Gene" she sat up, suddenly awake. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah." managing to get to the door, he added. "Just drunk."
Alex followed him out into the living room. He smelled too much like whisky to make her dizzy tonight. And something else. The Thames? Ugh.
Gene was already slumped on the sofa, twisting the top off his bottle. Alex took it from his hands. "I think you've had enough. Maybe you should just get some sleep."
"Hey! Givit back! Can't bloody sleep out here unless 'm pissed."
"You are pissed." She sat next to him. "And what do you mean you can't sleep out here? It's been a month, why didn't you say anything?" She finally noticed his face. His eyes were red and there were streaks on his face. "Gene...?"
"Bust. Dodgy notes. Hit a few stupid bastards." He flinched as she reached for his face, shaking her head. He pushed her hand away.
"You need to get cleaned up."
"No I don'" He leaned back heavily on the sofa. "Need to pass out. It'll be fine in the morning. You c'n throw me out then."
"Throw you out?"
"Yeah. T'morrow. I c'n take it t'morrow."
"Gene, I'm not throwing you out." It was amazing how frustrating he could be no matter what condition he was in.
"Sure you are. Y'wan' talk. Y'aven' said a bloody word t'me in a month. Can' be good." He shook his head and somehow managed to pull his long legs up on the sofa, stretching them out behind where Alex sat.
"That's not fair Gene."
But it was too late. He was already snoring.
--
The next morning Alex called the station early, telling them Gene wouldn't be in.
"Is 'e alright Ma'am? Chris told me 'e 'ad t'make sure the Guv didn't do 'imself in last night 'e was so drunk."
"What? What do you mean Shaz?"
"Well, Chris told me the Guv went down to the river 'n just sat there for an hour, drinking. Chris was afraid 'e'd pass out 'n fall in."
She couldn't make sense of it. "He's alright Shaz. Just sleeping it off."
"OK Ma'am. I'll let Ray and DI Rogers know."
"Oh, Shaz. Just let Ray know. OK? I don't know what's going on, but Gene isn't that happy with DI Rogers."
"Oh, I know that Ma'am. Guv wants 'im gone. Can't seem to get 'im transferred out though. Not without someone to fill in."
"Shaz, what happened? I know Gene hit him a few weeks ago."
The line was silent. "I don't know if I should say Ma'am."
"Oh Shaz, just tell me. I can handle it."
Shaz cleared her throat, but she spoke in a whisper. "Well Ma'am, a couple of weeks ago, after we'd all been out to Luigi's DI Rogers said he'd heard that you were only pretending not to remember, in order to get Gene to leave. Worst part was that 'e did it in front of the whole team! Guv broke 'is nose."
Alex was silent a moment. "Thanks Shaz." Hanging up the phone, she went to the kitchen to make tea. He made her coffee every morning. Tea was the least she could do.
As she slipped two slices of bread into the toaster Alex wondered if she should wake him. Probably not. He seemed pretty drunk. Had she ever seen him like that? Not that she could remember, but that certainly didn't mean anything anymore. She needed him. She'd known it all along. She needed him if she was going to remember anything.
But needing him wasn't uncomplicated. He had feelings for her now that she didn't know if she could return. If she wanted to. How could she want him? Sex? Sure. She could see it. But more than that? It was hard to see that. No matter what they decided, what he was willing to do, they needed to talk.
"Morning."
Alex turned from buttering her toast. Gene was leaning against the doorway, shirtless, rubbing his eyes. She vaguely remembered he'd been shirtless the night before and wondered how she hadn't noticed.
"Sorry about last night."
"Surprised you remember." She set her toast on the table. "I called the station, told them you wouldn't be in. Would you like some tea?"
"Yeah, I always seem to. For better or worse." He sat at the small table. "Yes. Tea. Thank you."
Alex made him a mug, setting it in front of him along with milk. She was grateful he still stank like the night before.
"Spoke t'Luigi yesterday Alex. 'E says I can move in downstairs until I find another place."
"Gene, I don't understand. I don't want you to leave." It suddenly dawned on her. "Do you want to leave? Move out?"
He mumbled through Alex's toast that he'd snatched off her plate. "If you think it's best."
"If I think...? I don't think it's best. I never said I think it's best. What gave you that idea?"
Gene choked on his tea. "What d'you mean 'what gave me that idea'?" You won't look at me, you won't talk to me. Every time I get near you, you run away." He took another gulp. "What am I supposed to think?"
Alex stared, feeling desperate. "Gene, I have lost the last ten months of my life. I woke to find out I live with a man I thought I couldn't stand and could possibly be in love with him." She was getting angry. "I am dizzy and confused all of the time and nothing helps. It's not getting any better at all. I have no idea what I'm supposed to think. I can't tell you what you're supposed to think."
It was too early in the morning for this, and he was too hung-over. "This isn't easy for me either you know." He said quietly. "And you're not supposed to get excited."
Alex put her face in her hands to stop the tears. This was too hard. "Is it always like this Gene? When we talk? Can we talk about anything without arguing?"
Gene shook his head. "Not much, no." He smiled, just a little. "But some things." He finished his tea and stood up. "Am goin' t'get cleaned up. If you want, we can talk after, OK?"
Alex nodded, still trying not to cry.
--
When Gene returned to the living room Alex was sitting curled up on the sofa, not watching television.
"So. Talking it is, then?" He sat next to her, trying not to notice her shrink away slightly. He sighed. "Alex..."
"It's not what you think. Gene I can't be near you because it makes me dizzy. Because every time I am, every time I, um, smell you, I can't stand up."
"What?"
She tried again. "I'm seeing things. Not whole things, but things in my side-vision. It's disorienting and confusing and it's worse when I get near you. So I've avoided you, hoping they would get clearer."
"Why didn't you bloody tell me?"
"I couldn't. Gene you told me we are in love. Shaz tells me we're in love. I feel like I know you but you're not the man I think I know. You're different. I don't know how to talk to you."
Gene took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Just talk to me Alex. If you want me to 'elp you just say so. Tell me what to do. You're pretty good at that most of the time."
Alex paused, considering his offer. He seemed sincere. "OK. Tell me about us Gene. I need to know if what I'm seeing in my head is my imagination or my memories. You're the only person who can help me work that out."
--
Gene started with the cases they'd been on. Alex hoped that it would be easier to concentrate on events that weren't completely connected to their relationship. She let him know what made her uncomfortable, and he tried to avoid talking about them as a couple yet, but Alex had to admit that if what he said was true, their lives had become so entwined that there was no way to separate their private life from their professional one. She wondered aloud how they did it.
"Not easy. This hasn't been easy Alex. I can tell you that I love you. And that I know you love me, but I can't tell you it was easy getting here. We're both stubborn, and difficult. You more than me, of course." He smiled. A real smile. It was hard not to smile back.
When she got tired he let her rest her head on his chest, wrapping an arm around her to steady her. Alex took a deep breath, took in the scent of his soap and cigarettes, and a bit of the whisky still escaping from the night before. And him. The smell of him. It made her dizzy but she held on, and he held onto her.
When she woke he was still there, snoring lightly, his face in her hair. His scent filled her senses, but she didn't feel as dizzy as she had before.
"Gene?" She shook him gently.
"Yeah. I'm awake." He shook his head vigorously. "What d'you need?"
"Nothing. It's late." It was dark through the windows.
"We sleep all day?"
"Looks that way." She shifted slightly away from him.
"How d'you feel?"
"OK." She'd had interesting dreams. But she didn't think she was ready to tell him those yet. "Hungry though. Want to make dinner?"
He frowned. "More courgette, I hope. No thanks. I'll phone downstairs."
Alex let Gene talk during dinner, telling her other things that she couldn't remember.
"Oh. And Ray's wedding is in November."
"Ray's what?"
"'Is wedding. Shaz didn't mention it? Thought she would." Alex asked more questions, and Gene gave her as many details as he could remember about Ray's first attempt at getting married. He smiled when she laughed at the ridiculous turn of events. She hadn't noticed the dimples before. They caught her off guard.
"I missed that." He finally said. Still looking at her.
"What? Missed what?"
"That. You laughing. Mind you, it was usually at me." He gestured with his fork. "But I'll take that too."
They finished eating, and Gene surprised her with two dishes of Luigi's tiramisu. They ate it sitting on the sofa.
"What else do you miss, Gene?"
He forked the dessert into his mouth, clearly considering his answer as his eyes travelled the length of her body.
"Besides the obvious, you mean?"
"Yes Gene. Besides the obvious." Who knew if they'd ever get there?
He set his plate on the table, leaning a little closer. "Sleeping with you."
Alex raised her eyebrows. "I said besides the obvious."
"Not what I mean. But yes, I miss that." He rolled his eyes. "What I mean is, I stopped goin' t'bed pissed every night, not that it doesn't happen now and then. Got used to you sleeping next to me. That's all." Alex couldn't tear her eyes from him as he lifted his hand and with one finger slowly traced a line from her ear, down her neck, onto her bare shoulder where her shirt had slipped off. She watched his face as his eyes trailed after, as his finger moved lower, almost reaching the soft flesh exposed below her collarbone.
"Gene."
He pulled his hand away, looking away sharply. "Sorry"
She grabbed his hand. "Gene?"
"Yeah?" He looked slowly back at her.
"Sleep with me."
He froze for an instant.
"Yes."
