Author's Note: Well, I'm back at school, and so far, it stinks. Damn school! Damn education! Anyway I was still able to find time to work on this, so here ya go. Besides this episode being filled with romance (Ewwww! …Okay, what am I, five?), I still had a lot of fun with it, so enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Blood -

Episode 43

Hearts in Disarray

Saya slowly opened her eyes. She was lying in a strange bed in a dark, equally strange room in the middle of the city, and she was-

Naked?! What the bleep?!

Saya sat bolt upright, clutching the sheets to her in fright. She scowled. Now she could see the bed she rested on was bright red with satin sheets, shaped like a heart, and for some strange reason there was a mirror on the ceiling.

"…I have a feeling this is gonna be a great episode," Saya muttered to herself. "What the hell did I do last night?!" She paused thoughtfully. "Sure hope no-one filmed it." The chiropteran queen rose to her feet, and with the sheets still around her, wandered over to the room's window, where she found two-inch thick metal bars blocking her exit. "…This just keeps gettin' better and better," Saya sighed, feeling hopeless.

"Good evening." The lights in the room suddenly snapped on, and Solomon appeared in the doorway.

"And there's the icing on the cake," Saya finished, giving him a dangerous look. Solomon just smiled back.

"Oh, you're awake," he said sweetly. "I was worried about you being injured, but it seems you're alright."

"If I'm fine," Saya argued back, "then…why did you undress me?" Solomon thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"Meh," was his answer. "You were unconscious, so-"

"That's called molestation, buddy!" Saya snapped. Solomon held up his hands in apology.

"Anyway, here. I've prepared some clothes for you." He held up a lovely white wedding dress, complete with veil and long train (is that what it's called? The long back part of the dress, anyway).

"What the fu-"

-Elsewhere in the City-

Haji leapt from building to building, still searching desperately for Saya and her devious kidnapper.

"Oh, Saya!" He whispered to himself and he looked to and fro, "please don't waste your innocent purity on that horny bastard!" He paused for a moment. "And if you do, please let me at least be in time to watch!"

He swiveled on his heel, leapt up, and smashed into an overhanging sign.

-At the Hospital-

Meanwhile, at a hospital (in North Carolina, I'm pretty sure), David was being rushed in on a stretcher to the emergency room, several doctors surrounding him and attempting to treat the injured man.

"My GOD!" One doctor whispered in horror. "You poor man! Don't worry, we'll treat you!" He grabbed hold of a nearby nurse and shook her. "Get some food, stat! Can't you see this man is starving to death?!"

"No…not starving…shot!" David whispered weakly from the stretcher. "Look at your chart! The chart!"

The doctor glanced at the chart and scowled.

"…I still say he's starving."

"Will you just treat him already?!" Julia snapped, appearing before the doctor. He nodded and tried not to stare directly at her breasts – they were not unlike the intensity of the sun.

"Don't worry, ma'am," the doctor consoled her. "We'll do the best we can to save him. Although, we can't promise he'll make it…"

"WHAT?!" Julia gasped. "Then…" Pushing past the doctor, she climbed atop the stretcher and crouched, poised over David's body on all fours. She glanced at the medicine men (and women!). "Can you gimme, like, five minutes with him?"

"Hello?! Dieing here!" David summoned up the last of his strength and used it to shove Julia off of him so the doctors could wheel him away. As he was disappearing behind the operating room doors, he called back, "Julia, I like you boobies!"

Tears came to Julia's eyes as she picked herself up off the floor. Poor David! He'd better make it! If only she had someone there with her, to comfort and talk to her! Anyone would do, anyone at all!

"I see titties at three o' clock!" Kai called, running down the hall toward her.

Aww, horseballs.

"Hey, babe! What's up?" The idiotic young man asked as he reached her side. "Besides your boyfriend bein' shot and all."

"Don't worry, Julia," Louis panted as he joined Kai, winded from the long run. "He's David, the man who can't die!" He blinked. "Or eat." Finally catching his breath, he straightened. "Also, bad news. Saya's been kidnapped by a chevalier."

"Other than Haji?" Julia asked wryly.

"Yep. And you know what that means." Apparently they didn't, so Louis was forced to explain it to them in terms they could understand. "…Bow chicka bow BOW."

"HEY!" Kai swung his fist at Louis, but it ricocheted off his ample gut, came back, and punched himself in the face. Kai stood there for several seconds, staring at Louis. "What the hell was that for?!"

"You did it to yourself!" Louis snapped back.

"Well then I totally meant for that to happen," Kai corrected, rubbing the bruise.

"It worked very well," Louis commented dryly, rolling his eyes.

"Look, I'm heading back to New York," Kai told the pair seriously. "You guys stay here. Tell David I love hi- er, I mean, take care of him. …Bye!" He whirled around and ran off down the hall, a blush staining his cheeks.

"What the heck was that about?" Louis wondered aloud. Behind him, Julia's eyes narrowed and she took out a small pad of paper, jotting a note down.

"…Watch out for Kai."

-Back on the Concert Grounds-

Back on the concert grounds, where Diva had sung not hours before, all that was left was wreckage and devastation. A small group of soldiers surveyed the damage, fear and awe apparent on their faces. One particularly stupid soldier spoke up.

"Wowie!" He gushed. "Who threw a bachelorette party here?!" A superior officer quickly pistol-whipped him into submission.

In a small building nearby, with windows overlooking the ruined concert grounds and a group of waiting Corpse Corps soldiers, Amshel stood with an important-looking man, deep in conversation.

"Awesome, aren't they?" Amshel smiled charmingly, gesturing at the inhuman soldiers. "They're good for birthday parties, anniversaries, and great with kids! Act now and there's a buy two, get one free special! Limited time only, while supplies last!" He ended this with a sparkling smile that went ding!

"Hmm…" the important-looking man gazed at the Corpse Corps with obvious interest. "Can they…tap-dance?"

"Oh Lord not this again," Amshel groaned, rubbing his aching temples.

"I'm just saying-"

"Yes! Yes, they can tap-dance!" Amshel exploded. He turned, punched a button, and immediately Riverdance music began to play, the Corpse Corps soldiers taking this as their cue to begin tap-dancing feverishly. "See?! Happy?!"

"SOLD!" The important-looking man cried, throwing his arms up in the air. Amshel resisted the urge to strangle the man as the music outside changed to a ho-down.

-Back With Saya-

Saya was still trapped in Solomon's apartment. There was no exit except for the windows, and those were barred, leaving Saya with no choice but to don the embarrassing wedding dress and creep out of the bedroom. She was greeted with the sight of Solomon, lounging on his sofa in nothing but a pair of red underwear.

"Evening, lover." He smiled.

"…I'm not coming out until you cover up," Saya stated matter-of-factly.

"Aw! You're shy! How cute." Solomon obliged, pulling on a red satin bathrobe and watching as Saya slunk into the room, the ungainly wedding dress rustling as she moved. "You look great!"

"Shut it," Saya snapped, in no mood for this. "I'm only wearing this dress because otherwise I'd be forced to walk around naked."

"R…really?" Solomon blinked. "Damn!" He, like Julia, pulled out a pad of paper and wrote a note on it. "…Wedding dress…NO." He put it away, then looked up at his captive. "…Where were we?"

"The part where you show me the door," Saya growled, more than ready to leave.

Solomon suddenly walked toward her, a strange look in his eyes, and she squeaked in surprise and retreated.

"Whaddaya want? Go away!" She cried in fright.

"I have only you now," Solomon said softly, with a hint of sadness.

"…Only me?" Saya asked, blinking.

"I'm no longer Diva's chevalier," he went on. "I've given it all up."

"…Given it all up?" Saya repeated again, confused. Solomon paused.

"I will sleep with you."

"…I will sleep with- HEY!" Saya flushed. "Nice try, pal! Why'd you do it? Why'd you give that all up?!"

"So that we can live together forever," Solomon answered, "just the two of us." He shrugged. "And the million babies we'll have."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Please, come with me." Solomon extended his hand toward her.

"Eep!" Saya jumped, then dashed past him and ran out onto the balcony. "S-stay away from me!"

"How can you not take my hand?" Solomon asked, following her out. Saya scowled.

"Heck, I don't know where that's been!" She cried, still backing away. "When's the last time you washed it?"

"Hmm…good point." Solomon gave his hand a wry look, then scratched his ass with it. "Anyway…look, Oreos!" Saya gave a gasp of delight as he drew out a pack of the delicious cookies. As she hopped forward to make a grab at them, Solomon suddenly kneeled before her, like a knight from the middle ages. "Please, Saya, be my bri-"

Crack!

"Ow! You didn't even let me finish!" Solomon sniffled, nursing his bleeding forehead.

"Oh, I don't have to," Saya shot back. "I already know it's stupid. And who you think you're fooling? Haji's pulled that move a million times! Trying to see up my skirt!"

"…But you're wearing a dress!"

"Oh. Right." Saya glanced down at the floor-length white dress. "Well…I'm still not sorry."

-Back at the New York Headquarters-

Finally back in New York, Kai sighed heavily as he entered their crappy apartment, which doubled as their headquarters. Flopping onto the couch, he sighed again, feeling a little depressed.

"Man, I wish I had a girl," he lamented, thinking of Saya and Haji, Julia and David.

"Pee-yoo!" Mao sang, kicking open the bathroom door and waltzing out, spraying a bottle of Febreeze after her. "Do NOT go in there!" She slammed the door shut, then finally noticed that Kai was there. "…Hey Kai, wanna go into the bathroom?"

"I take it back, Lord!" Kai cried, getting down on his knees. "I take it BACK!"

"What's with you?" Mao asked, rolling her eyes.

"Nothing," Kai growled, sitting back on the couch. "God hates me is all."

"Hmm…" Mao, a glint in her eye, slowly sauntered over to Kai and kissed him before he could protest. She immediately jerked back, spitting and sputtering. "Eww! You call that a kiss? Okamura is sooo much better! That's it! We're done!" She walked away in disgust, leaving Kai sitting there on the couch like a goober.

"…Did I just score?"

-Back in the City-

Haji continued his frantic search for Saya, leaping up onto a skyscraper and narrowing his eyes.

"Hmmmn…Saya senses…tingling!" He swiveled his pelvis to the left. "She's that way!"

"That's perverted!" A homeless man complained. Haji glared down at him.

"Well it's workin', ain't it?!"

Back with Saya and Solomon, the horny chevalier had finally gotten his message across to the confused chiropteran queen.

"B-bride?!" Saya gazed at him in shock, jaw nearly hitting the floor. Solomon gently closed it for her and began the longest and gayest monologue is all of anime… ever.

"Did you know," he began, voice soft and alluring, "that the land can glow like a rainbow? That the ocean can be tinted with red? Do you know…that there are so many beautiful things in this world that you have yet to see? Come with me…to the Gumdrop Forest and Candy-Cane Mountain where we can live together forever with the peaceful powder pixies!"

"Okay, if you don't SHUT UP," Saya ground out dangerously, "I'll jump!" She hopped up onto the balcony railing and glared scathingly down at her admirer.

"You…do know this gives me a better chance to get a look at your skivvies?" Solomon asked after a moment.

"That's a chance I'm willing to take," Saya replied. "And what the hell IS this crap, one of those fifty-cent romance novels?!"

"NO," Solomon said firmly, hiding the fifty-cent romance novel with Favio on the cover behind his back. Quickly thinking up another plan of action, he tried again. "Come now, travel the world with me!"

"And…do what?" Saya raised an eyebrow.

"Er, um…eat…stuff?" Solomon finished slowly.

"Hot DAMN that sounds like fun!" Saya clapped her hands with delight. "No…wait! I mustn't give in! You're Diva's chevalier! Aren't you my enemy?"

"But before that," Solomon answered smoothly, "I am the one man that loves you."

"Um, actually, you're more like the third," Saya admitted with a cough. "Not to mention the hundred or so girls before you." Solomon stared at her, blinking rapidly.

"Explain the girl's part, please." He implored, taking out some paper for notes.

"Pervert!" Saya slapped him. I guess he thought this was a good thing as he grabbed her and hugged her tightly.

"I've chosen you over Diva!" He whispered in her ear. "I will protect you, and grant any of your wishes! I'm like a genie in the bottle! Just tell me your wish, and I'll make it come true!"

"My wish…" Saya whimpered softly, "my wish is…for you to step OFF and get your hand offa my ASS!" She shoved Solomon away and glared daggers at him. He shrugged.

"Hey, I'm sorry. We were really close and I couldn't resist."

-Elsewhere…-

Elsewhere at the moment, more specifically at the mansion procured by Diva and her bitches- er, I mean, chevalier, Nathan was sitting in the den, watching the recorded concert that'd taken place in North Carolina not long ago. He frowned and studied it intently, pausing in some places to scribble down notes and write critiques.

"Okay, she had good movement here," he was muttering to himself, "but right here? Those arms? What the hell was that? Don't do it again." He paused and tapped his foot in thought. "Maybe she should try to come around this way and-"

"Who are you, John Madden?" A deep voice snorted from behind. Nathan glanced over his shoulder to find Amshel giving him a dirty look. The gay man shrugged and changed the subject.

"Amshel, what you want from Diva are her children, right?" He eyed the large man. "What for?"

"For child support checks, DUH," Amshel snorted again, pointing up at his lovely eyelashes. "Do you have any idea how much these babies cost?" He waited a moment. "More than the house."

"So that's where all our budget is going…" Nathan murmured. "Anyway, all I want is Diva. It's my dream to see her, up on the stage, under the lights…with CHER! Just imagine a duet between the two! Eeeeee!"

His girly squeal hit painful proportions and cracked the glass of Amshel's wine bottle, causing the alcoholic beverage to leak out onto the floor.

"Aww, hey! Not cool!" Amshel grumbled, struggling down to his knees so he could slurp the wine up off the floor. "Nice going, homo!"

"GET OUT!" Nathan whipped a pillow at him.

-Back at the Hospital-

Julia and Louis were still at the hospital, awaiting news of David's condition. Julia sat hunched over on a bench while Louis leaned against the nearby wall, waiting. Julia could barely contain her excitement and giggled every now and then. Louis raised a brow at her and couldn't help but ask.

"What's with you?"

"David said…" Julia tittered, "he said…'I like your boobies'!" She burst into another fit of happy giggles.

"…Hey, I like your boobies, too."

"Back off, Sexual Chocolate! Vanilla is my favorite flavor!" Julia snapped. Louis held up his hands in defeat.

"Alright, alright. I gotcha, El Caliente Seniorita."

-Aaaaaand Back With Saya-

Saya and Solomon were still on the balcony of his apartment, having a standoff. Saya glared at Solomon while he simply winked and flashed 'call me' signs. Finally she spoke.

"Look," Saya blurted out, "can't you at least help me KILL Diva? I'll work with you then! I-"

"Oh, you're suddenly sleepy!" Solomon cried, jumping forward and attempting to throw his arms around the girl. "So sleepy! I must grope you!"

"Get away from me!" Saya hit him back and glared. "I'm fine! I told you, Haji's already tried this crap with me, like, a hundred friggin' times already, so stop!"

"Your long sleep, or hibernation time is coming near," Solomon commented. He suddenly poked her in the gut with a finger. "You been fattenin' up for the long winter ahead or what?"

"STOP THAT!" Saya squeaked, smacking his hands away while blushing furiously. "Will you help me or NOT?!"

"Yes, I will," Solomon readily agreed. "If you promise to give me a lil' sugar afterwards."

"Hey! That's MY line!" A voice interrupted.

"Oh God." Saya hid her face in her hands.

"You!" Solomon hissed with hatred.

Haji stood not twenty feet away, glaring down at the couple from a nearby rooftop.

"Haji," Saya said firmly, "this isn't what it looks like."

"Yes it is! Yes it is!" Solomon cried vehemently, tugging Saya closer to him.

"Knock it off!" Haji growled dangerously. "Get away from her, she's mine! I've clearly marked her as my territory."

"You have?" Solomon sniffed experimentally at Saya. "Ew, you have! …Well we'll just see about that!" He began struggling with the zipper of his pants.

"NO!" Saya kicked him away and gave Haji a meaningful look. "You're gonna get it later for peeing on me, Haji!" She promised.

"I'd rather not fight," Solomon said in peaceful tones. "Saya will soon be my-"

POW!

"Owch! No fair, you have to wait until I finish!" Solomon sobbed, holding his bleeding face. Haji gave a loud guffaw.

"Bring it on, girly man!" He snarled, drawing his tiny daggers.

"Look who's talking!" Solomon shot back, hand transforming into a sword-like weapon. "You're girlier than me!"

"What?! How dare you! I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Bitch!"

"Slut!"

The two grown men began a slapfest, complete with much squealing and hair-pulling. Saya watched from a distance.

"…They're both girly…"

Ignoring her insult, Haji leapt upward, as did Solomon, and the two chevalier began a dance of death along the rooftops of the city. Saya watched from afar, feeling guilty for this whole mess.

"Haji's fighting for me," she whimpered. "This is all my fault! Dammit, why am I so sexy?!"

As the two chevalier continued their fight atop the roofs, a small child happened to glance out the window and spot them.

"Mooom, there's two girly men fighting outside on the rooftops."

"You still have to do your homework, honey," the disinterested mother replied.

"Aww, mom!"

Shunk!

As the battle between chevalier raged on, Solomon finally got a hit in, successfully running Haji through with his sharpened hand-blade thing. Haji stared at the arm sticking out of his chest and sighed.

"Well that was totally unnecessary," he stated blankly. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Oh, of course," Solomon politely replied, waiting patiently while Haji drew out his tally record of being run through and added another mark.

"Seven," Haji said, then flipped the notebook closed and put it away. "Alright, please continue."

"Will do!" Solomon readily agreed, jamming his weapon deeper into Haji's vulnerable and squishy guts.

"Owwww!" Haji howled in pain. "Get offa me, you whore!"

"You're a whore!" Solomon shot back. "You're such a whore that you'd win the grand prize for biggest crab count on 'Deadliest Catch'!"

"Oh yeah?!" Haji growled. "Well you're such a whore you make New York from Flavor of Love look like Mother effin' Teresa!"

Solomon gasped aloud, tears filling his eyes as well as hurt.

"Take…that…BACK!" He whispered fiercely. Haji tossed his head.

"No!"

"That's it! You bastard!" In a flash, Solomon had transformed into his chiro-form and grabbed hold of Haji, launching up into the night sky and bringing him hundreds of feet into the air. Once he reached a particularly fatal-seeming height, he stopped, hovering.

"Um, excuse me," Haji politely interrupted, "but…why're you doing this again?"

"Aren't…you afraid of heights?" Solomon asked after a moment.

"No, not really," Haji admitted. "I rather enjoy them."

"Oh, right," Solomon blinked. "I'm afraid of heights."

There was a long, tense pause.

"Eeeeeeek!" Solomon squealed in fright, accidentally releasing his hold on Haji and causing him to plummet toward the distant ground. As he fell, he caught sight of Saya standing on the balcony far below.

"Saya!" Haji called as he fell, pointing upward. "He called me a whore!"

"…And?" Saya prompted.

"It was mean!" Haji sniffled.

"And true!" Saya hollered at him. "You really are a- yipe!" At that moment Saya tripped over her flowing wedding dress and fell over the balcony railing. Haji gasped.

"Saya!! I can totally see your panties!"

"SAVE ME, DUMBASS!"

"In a minute-"

"NOW!!"

"Oh, alright." Black wings burst from Haji's back, and he dove down like a peregrine falcon on his prey. Scooping up Saya into his arms, he landed safely on the pavement below. "Saya…please…" he began in a soft voice.

BAM!

Haji fell to the ground, holding his crushed baby-makers. Saya stood over him, hands on her hips.

"That's for peeing on me when I didn't notice!" She growled. "Told you I'd get you!"

"It's so good to have you back!" Haji whimpered through the pain.

"So, this is the true form of Saya's first chevalier," Solomon smoothly commented as he also landed, back in his human form. He raised an eyebrow at Haji. "…Mine's still hotter."

"Is NOT!"

"Is t-"

"Quit it!!" Saya cut them off. When she was sure they wouldn't interrupt, she faced Solomon. "Solomon, I'm sorry, but I can't come with you and live with the pixies or whatever. Here, take your dumb dress back!" The two men perked up as she grabbed hold of the dress to rip it off. "Er…maybe not." She removed her hands and the men deflated in disappointment. "Anyway, time to go, Haji." She grabbed his arm and turned to leave.

"Your sister is pregnant with Riku's children!!" Solomon suddenly burst out. Saya froze mid-step.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt!" Jerry Springer commented, appearing next to Saya. He shoved a microphone in her face. "What's your response?"

"I will kill you."

"Point taken. Let's go!" Jerry hurried away, followed by his camera crew and security personnel. Haji did likewise, picking up Saya in his arms and flying away into the night sky. Solomon watched them go forlornly.

"…I'm still so horny," he whimpered to himself.

-Back at Headquarters-

"Is that sauce or blood?" Mao asked bluntly, staring with disgust at the kitchen table, where plates filled with blackened food seeped with red liquid.

"Blood," Kai replied, holding up a finger with a band-aid. "I accidentally cut myself."

"What are you, a hemophiliac?!" Mao snorted. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"No way!" Kai muttered. "If you kiss it it'll probably turn black and fall off."

"Why you-" Mao went for him just as the front door swung open, revealing a very tired looking Saya and Haji.

"Oh thank bleep you're here!" Kai gushed, dashing to Saya and hiding behind her to escape Mao's Medusa gaze. "What's with the getup, you two getting' hitched or something? Anyway, look!" He gestured at the table. "I made you supper! Go on, dig in!"

Saya took one look at the charred, bloodied food and gulped.

"I…don't eat anymore."

-Episode 43 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.

Author's Note: Wow, this one's a little bit longer than usual, huh? Oh well, I just had a lotta fun so I wanted to put it all. I realize I'm not to great with the whole romance thing, but I tried my best and I hope everyone liked it! Review, please!