"PJ, I…" Phil wanted to tell him something, ANYTHING, that would justify what had just happened but he didn't have an excuse. He didn't have anything. "I've got nothing…"
"I know you- I know you've been through a lot, Phil," he began, "but you can't start acting out like this… It isn't fair… What if Dan had walked in instead of me?"
"I know… I don't know what's come over me," Phil felt knots tying in his stomach,
"What's going on? What's going through your head, Phil, because this needs to stop?" PJ asked, shaking his head,
"I don't know…"
"Is this the first time this has happened?" PJ hoped the answer would be yes,
"No," Phil said and PJ sighed, "We kissed in the hospital, just once. It was all me."
"If I tell you what I think, do you promise not to get angry with me?"
"I promise…" Phil nodded,
"I think that you're behaving like this because you're using it to cope with what's happened to you. It's only been when Dan hasn't been here for you, right?" PJ sat Phil down,
"Right,"
"Well, Chris is closest to you right after Dan, is he not?" PJ asked. Phil nodded and looked down at his knees as he sat on the bed, "Maybe you're just projecting? I don't know. I'm not an expert. Maybe you should see someone though, someone that won't shove their tongue down your throat. Seriously, Phil… this would break Dan's heart."
"I'm sorry…" Phil sniffled, "I don't want to hurt Dan. I love him so much…"
"Then act like it. When you're ready, you can come and join me in the living room," PJ said turning his back on Phil and leaving him alone in the bedroom.
Phil felt his heart lurch in his chest just thinking about what Dan's reaction would have been if he'd seen what had happened. He felt the warmth in his face build into a heat that could probably have cooked an egg and his head started to hurt. He blinked back the tears but the bruising around his eye hurt too much to allow him to continue and the hot tears fell. He was a horrible person. He was the worst person on this earth. Dan didn't deserve this. Dan deserved so much better. The pale underside of Phil's arms suddenly felt itchy and his entire body grew fidgety. He wanted to scream. He violently threw himself back onto his bed. What the hell was wrong with him?! Phil heard a sigh come from the doorway and he sat up, his eyes red, puffy and tear-stained,
"Come on, Phil…" PJ's voice was a lot calmer now and Phil felt the bed shift under PJ's weight as he sat down beside him, "Come here," PJ continued. Phil sat up for a moment, almost instantly burying his face in his hands,
"I'm an idiot…" Phil cried to his friend, feeling PJ's hand on his back,
"Only a little," PJ said, "but I understand your state of mind at the moment. I'm sorry I went off at you before,"
"I deserved it. I needed it."
"What was going through your mind, Phil?" PJ asked, pulling him in for a side hug,
"I don't know…" Phil confessed, unable to put together a clear thought about the experience,
"Do you have feelings for Chris?"
"I don't love him. I love Dan…" Phil sobbed. Phil looked up to PJ, setting his sights directly on his eyes, "Is Dan going to hate me?"
"I don't think he could hate you," PJ shook his head, "I think he'll just be very hurt and…"
"And he'll never know," Phil said quite seriously. "Right, Peej?"
"I don't think…"
"PJ, Dan can't know," Phil shook his head, "It'll destroy him."
"You can't lie to him, Phil. That's not okay," PJ disagreed,
"If Dan finds out…" he looked down and pulled himself gently away from PJ, "I'll kill myself."
Dan entered the flat, greeted with a lack of sound; complete silence. He placed his wallet and keys down and wandered into the kitchen, then the living room and there was no signs of anyone else in the house. His appointment had gone about as well as it could have, it was awkward and unfamiliar, he'd probably go as far as to say unpleasant. The doctor had explained that his results would be prioritised and he'd get a call the next day with the results; Dan was a little scared. He tip-toed through to Phil's bedroom and stopped at the door before walking in to find Phil and PJ sitting on the bed, Phil's eyes bloodshot and distended.
"What… what happened?" Dan rushed to Phil's side and enveloped him in a hug, "Are you okay, baby?" Dan felt Phil nod and he pulled from the hug, keeping his hands on Phil's arms,
"Just an emotional day…" Phil told him, and Dan pecked his cheek with a kiss. Dan felt PJ's hand on his shoulder and Dan stood up to greet him, though before he could speak PJ led him from the room.
"Peej, what happened?" he asked his friend, "And where's Chris?"
"Dan… I'm really scared right now and I don't know what to do or what to tell you…" PJ spoke honestly, restraining the panic attack that he could feel building within him and the tears welling in his eyes,
"What's wrong? Are you okay? What's going on?" Dan asked in a flustered, anxious state,
"I sent Chris home. I screamed at him. He's gone…" PJ breathed,
"Okay… that's okay, that's fine…" Dan slowed down, "Don't worry about that at all,"
"Phil and… and then… Chris… now I… then Phil… he… I'm freaking out, Dan!" PJ whispered his exclamation.
"Calm down, just tell me what happened…" Dan said, watching PJ struggle to prevent his hyperventilation and his legs wobbling,
"I feel sick,"
"That's okay, you're okay," Dan told him, "Everything's okay."
"No… it's not okay…"
"Can you tell me what happened, Peej?"
"I can't!" PJ blubbered as the tears finally escaped from his eyes and he leant himself against the wall for support.
"Why not?" Dan asked, trying to keep PJ from falling to the floor,
"He'll… Phil will kill himself…" PJ slumped to the floor.
"What?!" Dan immediately forgot about prying into what had happened and leaned down to help PJ, whom waved him away. Dan nodded to him and ran in to Phil's room where he found him standing over the bedside table. Phil whipped around kicked the drawer shut, facing Dan.
"Phil!" Dan stopped right in front of him and grabbed his hands, "Don't you dare even THINK about…"
"Did PJ tell you?" Phil said in the softest, most delicate voice, "Because I-"
"He said you said you were going to kill yourself if… I don't know why! But Phil, you can't do that!" Dan screamed hysterically, "Phil, I love you too much to let you do that!"
"I'm sorry…" Phil felt nauseous and dizzy,
"Phil, what happened?" Dan put his hand on Phil's shoulder,
"I fucked up, Dan…" Phil said, swaying a little. "I…"
"You're okay, Phil… We all make mistakes," Dan planted his hands on Phil's hips,
"Chris and I…" Dan watched Phil's lips as he spoke, "we kissed."
