A/N: Characters and world property of JK Rowling. No copyright infringement intended.
Beta Love: ambiguousgoldfish, the best beta in the world
Of Blacks and Boarhounds
By Zorak23
Lulabelle chuckled at the thunderous look on Severus' face. "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Lou. Ya know good and well he's right."
Remus cleared his throat. "I believe you mean 'knickers in a twist'," he said delicately, then immediately cast a shield charm as Severus sent a stinging hex his way.
"Constant vigilance," Lulabelle snickered as Harry rolled off the couch laughing.
Chapter Fifty Three
July 6, 1992
"Thanks for the offer, but Mum is expecting me for dinner," Bill said apologetically to Lulabelle when she invited him to stay that evening. "I think she's still miffed that I missed last night."
"That's fine, Bill. Do ya mind takin' her this letter? I wrote to her 'bout Dobby, but it'd be easier to just send it with ya 'stead of askin' Hedwig."
"Sure thing, love. See you tomorrow!" Bill took the letter from Lulabelle and disappeared in a flash of green flames. The tiny witch stayed in the receiving room, knowing the goblin contingent would soon be arriving. While she waited, she took out her trusty notebook and started another list; this one detailing which rooms to start redecorating first, and ideas for what she wanted done.
Soon, the fireplace flared green once more, and two guards stepped out. As soon as the traditional greeting was completed, the fireplace flared again. After the three healers and four guards had all arrived and been greeted, Lulabelle led them to the dining room.
"I'm so glad y'all were able to come for dinner tonight! I found the best lil' butcher shop just up the road; they have so many different kinds of meats! Back home, ya can't sell game, ya gotta shoot it yourself. In Oklahoma, at least. I think ya can in other states. Anyway, I got a nice venison backstrap there, but they called it a striploin. Took a minute for us to figure out what we were both talkin' about…" Severus met Remus' eyes when they heard her explanation as the group passed the sitting room, then rolled his own.
"I've never met anyone who voluntarily offers up the amount of information she does," he admitted to the other man, making Remus laugh.
"And yet Harry tells me you think she'd be a Slytherin," he replied with a small grin, getting to his feet. Harry stood as well, snickering as he did so.
"She thinks she's a Ravenclaw, but she's obviously a Gryffindor," the boy announced.
"Perhaps she's just an American Slytherin," Severus mused, following the two chuckling Gryffindors into the dining room.
After dinner, Alkrat examined Kreacher. "He appears to be healing well. I shall return tomorrow for his awakening."
"Is the coma on a timer?" Lulabelle asked, her curiosity outweighing her concern in light of the favorable report.
Alkrat and the other two healers each showed their pointy teeth as they laughed. "No, Lulabelle. Perhaps I should have said 'when I awaken him' instead."
The witch flushed and said, "Oh," then laughed in self-deprecation.
"Would you like the other examinations to take place in this room as well?" Alkrat asked.
"Yeah, I guess that's fine," Lulabelle said hesitantly. "I mean, it's not like we're botherin' Kreacher. And he'll be pissed if we do it in my room… yeah, lemme call Kritter in first, then Dobby when she's done."
Once the tiny elf had popped into the room, the elf healer explained what she wanted to do. After Kritter agreed to the examination, Alkrat began casting diagnostic charms over her person. Erluff and Kognott carefully took down everything Alkrat said on parchment records.
Once the healer had finished, she turned to Lulabelle. "It appears—"
With one eyebrow raised, Lulabelle interrupted. "Pretty sure ya need to be tellin' your patient first," she said. "I'll listen in, since Kritter said she didn't mind if I was in the room. But ya need to tell her what's goin' on, Alkrat. I don't own her; Kritter's her own person."
Before any of the goblins could even blink, Lulabelle was being bopped on the head with a hastily Summoned cleaning rag. "Don't you talk back to Doctor Alkrat, Little Miss! What your mama say, she knew you was so rude? You apologise right this minute!"
"Dammit, Kritter! I don't own you!"
"Kritter know! You still need to use your manners! Things different here, Little Miss. You gonna get in a heap of trouble you let your mouth run off like that."
"Oh yeah? Who's gonna— Ouch!" Lulabelle rubbed her backside, looking at the elf in disbelief. "You shocked me!"
"Little Miss talk back like a child, Little Miss get treated like a child," Kritter huffed, crossing her arms and stomping her tiny foot.
Lulabelle dropped to her knees and opened her arms to the tiny elf. When Kritter moved into her embrace, she said, "I'm sorry, Kritter. I just… I don't own you, I love you."
Kritter patted her on her head and replied, "Kritter know. But my Little Miss not need to apologise to Kritter. My Little Miss need to apologise to Doctor Alkrat."
Lulabelle chuckled and stood, Kritter still in her arms. "I'm sorry, Alkrat. It's takin' some gettin' used to, bein' here in England. Please forgive me for how I spoke to ya."
Alkrat, Erluff, and Kognott were staring at the pair, completely gobsmacked. Finally, Alkrat said, "Quite alright. Er, Kritter, your test results show that you are a relatively healthy house elf, one hundred thirty seven years of age, and quite small. I believe your size is a direct result of your prolonged invisibility."
Kritter nodded as if this was to be expected, but Lulabelle was concerned. "So she shrank because of it?" she asked, shifting the elf slightly in her arms and taking a seat on the armchair.
"No; she wasn't able to grow properly. House elves mature at a much slower rate than any other known being. Kritter won't reach her full maturity for another twenty or so years."
"So you're a teenager?" Lulabelle said, looking down at the elf on her lap in surprise. Kritter giggled at her mistress.
"No no, Little Miss. We not be growing like you do. You finish book. You see."
"As a nanny elf, Kritter, you must have been relatively new to the position when you began, er, working for the Blacks," Alkrat said, stumbling slightly over her words in a conscious effort not to cause offence. "May I ask how long…" she trailed off, unsure how to word what she wanted to know.
"Kritter always a Black elf," she replied, straightening up in Lulabelle's lap and squaring her shoulders proudly. "Kritter born a Black elf. Kritter's first own baby be Master Sirius, but Kritter help with Missy Lucrecia and Master Orion. They how Kritter learn to take care of own babies."
Lulabelle squeezed her in a hug. "My brothers were your babies, too?"
"And your daddy and your aunt, yes they were."
"Father. Not daddy. My daddy's in Oklahoma," she corrected, a bit sadly. Kritter patted her hand in understanding.
"Yes, Little Miss. Now you need to have babies. Kritter needs more babies to be taking care of, right this minute!" she stated, a wicked gleam in her eye.
"Oh hell no! Kritter, hush your mouth, I'm not even old enough to have babies!"
Four pairs of eyes turned towards the tiny witch with incredulous looks. "Okay, fine. I'm physically old enough. But I'm so not ready for a baby!"
Erluff snorted at her pronouncement, then looked abashed at doing so. "Apologies," she mumbled, and Lulabelle grinned at her. "If I may be so bold, it appears as if you do have a child. Are you not Harry Potter's guardian?"
Lulabelle rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but he's not a baby. He can wipe his own ass and everything." She looked pensive for a moment as the healers laughed and Kritter gave her a reproachful glare. "Least I think he can. Guess I never actually asked…"
Dobby was healed of a few incorrectly set bones and some mental trauma, but avoided being placed into a healing coma by virtue of not currently being bound to a House or person. As a guest of the House of Black, Alkrat had been assured he would not be asked to do more than sit with Kreacher.
"Sure would be nice if human psychology worked like elf mind healin'" Lulabelle commented once Dobby's procedure was finished. "Make life a lot easier, at any rate. Hey, ya don't happen to have a recommendation for a mind healer, do ya Alkrat? Specifically one who works with kids."
"I do not, I'm sorry to say. Madam Pomfrey should, however. Does Harry Potter… I must apologise once again. That is certainly none of my business." The elf healer flushed and looked down, but Lulabelle waved her concerns away.
"You're fine. Yeah, he needs to see someone; it was recommended when we were at the muggle hospital just after gettin' him. And when Sirius gets home he'll need to see someone, too."
"I'm afraid the best I can offer you is a recommendation for an Animal Healer, unless you have other beings who need help as well."
Lulabelle snorted. "Well my brother is a dog animagus; think if he pisses me off I could have him neutered?"
"I quite like you, Lulabelle."
"I quite like ya too, Alkrat."
"You seem… out of sorts, sweet witch," Severus said when she'd returned to the sitting room after seeing the goblins out. "I thought you said Kritter was fine, other than the size issue."
"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Kritter just made some comments that got me thinkin'."
"About what, Lulabelle?" Harry asked from where he was laying on the floor next to Sinaka.
"'Bout you, mostly, sugar," she replied, giving him a warm smile.
"Kritter asked about me?" the boy said, surprised.
"Not exactly," Lulabelle said with a chuckle. "She said I needed to have babies." She laughed loudly at the way Severus' face paled with that pronouncement. "That was my reaction, too, Lou." She turned back to Harry and said, "Then Erluff pointed out that you're a kid and I'm your guardian, but I said that's different because ya can wipe your own ass." Remus made an odd choking noise at this, but she barely spared him a glance and kept speaking. "Ya can wipe your own ass, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Have done for awhile now," Harry replied dryly, then grinned at the tiny witch sitting under the arm of his professor. He giggled when he noticed Severus pinching the bridge of his nose.
"But I was thinkin', has anyone had 'the talk' with ya yet?"
"What 'talk'? Like about, er…"
"Not the sex talk, although you'll need that one too. I meant about puberty."
"Oh. Er, no?"
"Well, over the next couple years or so—" her words were abruptly cut off when, with seemingly one fluid movement, Severus silenced her, stood, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder.
"You'll thank me for this later, Harry. Lupin, educate the boy." With that, he stalked out of the room towards the stairs, Lulabelle pounding him on the back the whole way.
Once in their bedroom, Severus magically locked the door before setting her down on the bed and canceling the silencing charm. "What the fuck, Lou!"
"Sweet witch—"
"Don't you 'sweet witch' me, mister—"
"Lulabelle! You will sit down, and you will listen to me!" Rather shocked at his tone, Lulabelle acquiesced. "I know you come from a more… progressive time, but I cannot imagine that in the next thirty years, it becomes commonplace for beautiful women to teach preadolescent boys about puberty! You would have mortified that child, and any information you gave him would not have been retained."
"Well what does how I look have to do with anything?" Lulabelle asked, confusion slipping past her anger. Severus stopped pacing the room and looked at her before replying.
"You're barely ten years older than him, and absolutely stunning. Do you really think he wants you to be the one to talk to him about growing hair on his goolies?"
As quickly as her jaw dropped, she closed her mouth and pressed her lips together. A snort slipped out, and she dissolved into giggles and fell back against the bed.
"I was an eleven year old boy once, too, Lulabelle. Having someone like you talk to me about puberty would have been excruciating." He sat down heavily on the bed next to her. "I do apologise, sweet witch, but I had to stop you. Immediately."
"Yeah yeah, I see that now." She propped herself up on her elbows and looked at him. "I just have one question." Severus raised a brow. "Goolies?"
Later that night, just before bed, Harry slipped into the library where Severus was reading yet another out-of-print find. Seeing that Lulabelle was not in the room, he released a sigh and said, "Severus?"
"Yes…?" Severus drawled, slowly dragging his eyes away from the text.
"Er, I just wanted to… um…"
Severus gently closed his book and set it on the side table next to his chair, giving the boy his full attention. "You wanted to…" he prompted.
Taking a breath and visibly steeling himself before speaking, Harry said, "Thank you, sir. For… for taking Lulabelle upstairs earlier."
"Of course," the man said, refusing to let himself smile, lest the boy take it the wrong way. "I did take a vow to protect you from those who mean you harm, and I cannot imagine you emerging from that conversation with any witch and still be in full control of your mental faculties," he snarked, making Harry laugh. Noticing that the boy still looked pensive, he added, "You may always come to me if you have any… questions or concerns, Harry. About anything, of course, but especially about… this."
"Really, sir?"
"Really."
"Well, I do have one question…"
"Yes?"
"Why, exactly, do we need hair in our armpits?"
