The shock on the faces of the members of my unit showed when they saw me. Katniss displayed the most disturbed expression. Gale followed as a close second. His eyes glanced at my gun and then he glared at me with protective ferocity. Although Gale had been generous to me at times, his loyalty was always to Katniss first and foremost. Actually, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way given the situation. Gale would do anything to protect Katniss, even kill me. I hoped that wouldn't be necessary.
Boggs, ever the professional, examined my hand to make sure it said "451." Then he relieved me of my weapon and went to call command. I knew they wouldn't listen to reason.
"It won't matter," I told him, "The president assigned me herself."
I admired him for trying though. If this unit didn't include Katniss, I'd be honored to have Boggs as my commander. It did include Katniss though.
Seeing Katniss set off a wave of emotions I wasn't expecting. What I expected was confusion and anger. Instead I felt that familiar tenderness, and there was nothing painful about it except that it was not reciprocated. I'd felt that tenderness to some degree even when I choked her though. Flashes of happiness ran through my mind: kissing her in the cave, pressing my fingertips against her soft skin on the train, feeling her hand accidently brush against my body, taking her hand in mine while we stood in the waves, dancing with her at countless parties, and laying her down in the sand. She seemed to care for me so many of those times. If only we could go back.
She didn't have to be my girlfriend; I only wanted her to be my friend. Well, that's not what I wanted, but I'd settle for that. Like Johanna said, there are many kinds of love. Couldn't' she find at least one kind that could be applied to me? Then again, many people knowingly hurt those they claimed to love. I'm not capable of that. At least I wasn't before the hijacking. When I loved someone, all I wanted to do was love them. And I wanted was to love Katniss. She had never let me love her though.
"Hey, Peeta. How are you doing?" Finnick asked cordially.
I was glad to see him and smiled.
"Okay, considering the situation."
"I thought you might like this," he said offering me a piece of rope.
Confused, I took the rope cautiously. It was not a very long piece of rope, but I was surprised he gave it to me since it was long enough to wrap around someone's neck.
"It's for tying knots," he said. "Tying knots helps me relax. You got anything you do to help you relax like that?"
Thinking hard, I couldn't come up with anything. Certainly I'd developed ways to cope with stress and anxiety, but none of them were as simple as tying knots. The simplicity appealed to me.
"Not really. Not like that. I used to bake, draw, and paint, but it would be hard to do most of that out here."
Finnick laughed, kicking a rock with his boot.
"Yeah, it would be."
Finnick started teaching me some knots, some of them seemed familiar but I couldn't remember ever learning them before. Finnick laughed at some of my attempts but soon enough he'd taught me to tie two types of knots correctly.
"Peeta, do you ever feel like you are…bad? Like worse than other people?"
"Yeah, every minute of every day of my life," I answered with a touch of irritation.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Mainly because I tried to choke Katniss. It probably started before that though."
"And why do you think you choked Katniss?"
I sighed. Was I really going to have to prove that I understood this again?
"Because I was programmed to do it during the hijacking."
"So why do you feel so guilty about it?"
"Because I love her, and I hurt her so much."
"I love Annie."
"I know you do," I said wondering how that related to me and Katniss.
"And I slept with countless other people when I was dating her because President Snow threatened to kill people I cared for if I didn't. Do you think I'm bad the same way you think you are bad?" He continued.
"No. Of course not. You were trying to protect Annie."
"She didn't know that at first though. The first time it happened while we were dating, she thought I'd cheated on her. It hurt her so much, and she refused to tell me what was wrong for a long time. We didn't speak for months."
"Really?"
"Yes, but when she understood what really happened…really understood it…everything changed. When you choked Katniss, you were trying to protect…you. You thought Katniss would kill you, didn't you? You knew she would, and that's why you choked her. Am I right, Peeta?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I thought," I admitted.
"And who made you think that? President Snow did. What happened to you and Katniss is not that different from what happened to Annie and me in some ways. President Snow made you do something you'd never normally do, and it hurt Katniss. It hurt her more emotionally than physically. I think once she truly understands all that, things will change.
"But everyone says I've changed and that I'll never be the same."
"Ah, well. Annie changed too. She was a different girl when I first met her, before she went into the arena. She got very sick after she won the games. Again, it was not unlike what recently happened to you. You are different than you were before the hijacking, but I can see some of who you used to be peaking through. Katniss will too. She still loves you, Peeta. I'm not afraid to tell you that because I know it's true."
Jackson called Finnick away, but he left the rope with me. I tied a few more knots hoping I wouldn't forget how to do it. I was a little humiliated when the other members of the unit were taking shifts to guard me, but I decided that if it kept me from hurting Katniss again then it was worth it. Since it was getting late, I decided to pitch my tent.
Then I saw katniss return from her walk with Boggs. She asked Jackson, our second in command, what time her shift started. Jackson hadn't put her in the rotation which obviously infuriated Katniss. I tried to ignore them as they argued. Finnick gave me a concerned glance and started helping me with the tent while keeping an eye on Katniss as her anger escalated.
"I'm not sure you could really shoot Peeta, if it came to it," Jackson said. I shuddered to think of any of them shooting me. They were talking of desperation measures though, and I knew that.
Katniss raised her voice even more, "I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts."
Finnick stared at me, waiting for my reaction. I went to the edge of our section of the camp, pulled the rope from my pocket, and started tying knots.
As my fingers manipulated the rope furiously, I still couldn't get Katniss out of my head. I wished that I could just leave, but there was no place to go.
