Hey guys! I just want to mention that as I am posting this chapter my clock strikes 11:55 p.m., so I am still in time, even if it took me a lot to update. But I just got a little carried away with writing and when I realized what time is it, it was already 11:30.
But here is it!
Hope you'll like it.
I promise I will make things better. :)
Just bear with me
Lots of love!
DPOV begins
I get out of the building and look around for her. But she is nowhere to be found. And there are so many possibilities where she could have gone. I know she is good at running, but where did she go so fast? I was just behind her!
I decide to go left, out of some kind of instinct but to my complete misfortune, I head towards a dead end. She isn't here. I'll better go and take my car. It will be easier and faster for me to find her like that. As I head back, a woman that was passing beside me catches me by my hand and stops me. I don't recognize her. And I don't have the time to listen to her, that's for sure.
"What do you want?" I almost snap at her.
She grins. "You walking around like this means that you are looking for someone to have fun with, right? You wanna go to my place? I leave nearby." she asks as her eyes travel up and down on me and her fingers lightly touch my forearm.
I pull my hand from hers and simply leave away from there. All I needed now was for some woman to be hitting on me. Just perfect. I take a look at myself too and realize that I am only wearing a pair of boxers.
Okay, what happened last night? I really need to remember. And fast. It's about time, goddamnit. As I roam some more on the streets, I try to put my thoughts in order. Everything that happened after Rose left the bar is covered by a thin blur at first, but memories start to form clearly in my mind as I keep on thinking more about last night. I remember having another drink or two before I started to feel a little dizzy; maybe it was the alcohol starting to make its effect on me. Or at least that is what I thought at that moment. Then, I was going out of the bar with this woman. I was feeling weird and she offered to help me get a taxi. I didn't say no. It was quite hard for me to have any conscious thoughts at that moment and I simply agreed with her I guess. But instead of getting me a taxi, we got to my car. I remember her somehow dragging me into my car and me not protesting to that. I was quite cooperative with the things that were happening to me. And then I guess she took me home; that little part of the night is quite a blur. And then, all of a sudden we were into my apartment. And last thing I know before I fell asleep is that she was trying to undress me and I kept on pushing her away, that being the only resistance I was able to pay to her. I didn't want to go that way with her. And under no circumstance, I would have had sex with that woman. Unless she has done something with me while I was out, which is highly improbable. I know I didn't do anything. I would never do such a thing. Not to Rose. Never to Rose. And I am one hundred percent that when I closed my eyes that we both had our clothes on. That at least I am sure of. Of what happened after I closed my eyes, well, I have no certainty about that. But, the only way I got this naked is by that woman undressing me after I was out. And this just comes perfectly. Now I have to go and get dressed and this only means some more wasted time.
As I get up the stairs, I remember that I left the so-called Nina in the bedroom, and in this moment, she is my only chance to make some sense of why this thing happened. I have my suspicions, but I have to get her to tell me the truth anyway. She is the only one who can shed some light on this matter right away.
But as I get in the apartment, she is nowhere to be found. The place is empty. Goddamnit! I should have known that she will leave the first time she gets a chance, but I had some other things to give my attention to first. Everything I can find out of place is a note on the coffee table, written in a hurry: "I am sorry. I had no other choice.'' the note says. Fuck! What does this even mean? Who made her do this thing after all?
I take my anger on the table in front of me, turning it to shards. Roza's face still haunts me. The pain in her eyes is simply unbearable. How am I going to make things right now that I lost that woman?
Tasha. The thought suddenly crosses my mind again. She must be the one behind all of this, there's no one else that could possibly be the author of this charade. I know for sure that she was the one who was sending me all those messages signed by Nina. There's no one else that could have done such a thing. And the fact that the name of the woman that was here is Nina too is way too coincidental for things not to be connected.
Instead of going out to look for Rose, I head towards Tasha's place. I need to make her tell me everything. To make her tell everything to Rose too. Otherwise, there is no point in me finding Rose. She would not listen to me unless I come with some proof. Unless I come with something that she would see and believe. Because the things she has just seen in here? It's hard to let someone tell you otherwise. Before heading out, I call Stan and tell him everything I know about this Nina. I need to find her too, that's for sure.
And as soon as I end that call, my phone rings. It's Viktoria. Oh, God, please make things be alright with her this time because I don't think I'll manage to deal with everything going on now. As I get into the elevator, I answer the call, trying to save some time.
"Hey, Vika. Is everything alright?"
"Yes, sure. I am fine."
"Are you sure?" I get suspicious.
She puffs. "Yes, I am, Dimka." and she stops.
"So, this means you're heading back home, no?"
She sighs. "Yes. I am. I am just into the airport, waiting for my airplane."
"Then, why you called? Don't get me wrong, but I am in kind of a hurry right now."
"Dimitri, you know you are my favorite brother, no?"
I get out of the building. "I am your only brother."
She chuckles. "Yeah, that's right. But still. I want to ask you something and don't get me wrong because I am doing it out of love."
"Okay. Shoot."
And her tone changes to angry in a second. "What the fuck is that I have just seen?"
I stop just beside my car, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Don't you play that card, Dimitri. I have seen the magazines. There are plenty of shops in town, you know? How could you do such a thing to Rose?" and then her voice softens. "What happened? I thought that you two…"
Goddamnit! "It got to the media?"
"Oh, so you're not denying it?"
"Come on Vika. Do you think I would do such a thing to her?"
She sighs. "No, I don't. I really don't. And this is the exact reason I am asking you what the hell happened to you!" and I briefly tell her what I think happened. "Oh, shit. And where is Rose now?"
"I honestly have no idea."
"But you'll find her, no?"
"You'd bet I will find her. I am not going to let things like this,"
"Yeah, that's my brother. Do you need some help with that?"
"No, Vika. You'd better go home." she has her own problems to deal with.
"You sure?"
"Yes. I will make things right. You just go home and make sure everyone there is alright."
"You know that that will be hard when mama and the others find out about this, no? She really likes Rose and you should prepare yourself for a call from her too."
"Yeah, I know. But I'll explain it to her if you don't get the chance to do that first. I'll make her understand."
"Yeah. And she will trust you. She knows what a man she has raised. Now just go and find her, okay?"
"Yeah, I will." but I need to be somewhere else first.
DPOV ends
I walk aimlessly through the city's streets, trying to get as far away as possible. On my way, a lot of people have been throwing glances in my direction and I do my best to avoid their eyes, but still, some of them, who had some more courage, asked me if I was alright. In response I would just nod absently and go further, heading nowhere some more, searching for some peace of mind. But I can't find any, nowhere I would go. I walk around the streets I have seen every single day for months, streets I often walked with Dimitri at night, their familiarity filling the holes in my chest with fake hopes. I still can't believe what just happened.
First, my steps take me in front of Belikov Enterprises. Ironic, no? But it's the only path in town I know by heart. I take a seat on a bench into the park facing the gigantic building. I remember my first day here, seeing him for the first time, sitting in that door frame, a hard expression on his face as he was studying me. There was something that began to pull me towards him from that exact moment, just like he had a force of gravity of his own. And then, in the elevator when he seemed someone else, someone nicer, even though just for a split of a second. I don't think I ever got to really understand him even though II cracked his code, that I managed to get to the real him. But it seems that I didn't. He has always been hot and cold with me, or at least that is how I made him be around me, that until he finally said those superb three words to me. After that, he was so warm and so good and loving with me. Why would he do this to me? Why would he play with me like this? Why would he pretend? Gosh, I really thought he changed. But maybe I wished so much he would change that I actually got to fool myself that he did.
God, I want to pound my fists on him until I can't feel my hands anymore. I want to yell, to shout, to curse and so many other things. To let it all out. But I don't. I am simply sitting on a bench and watch people pass me. And I don't do anything. I don't feel like moving at all. But still, this anger is boiling inside me and I can't do anything to stop it.
I wish I never met him in the first place! I wish I never came to this fucking town and didn't get that damned job and...and...and not meet him! Ever! You don't really mean that, Rose. Yes, I do!...or at least I wish I do.
I was such a fool to believe all his lies. He told me that there was no Nina, that he never knew one. And I trusted all of his deceiving words. He lied me to my face! As he told me, I thought too that Tasha was the one who planned all this into another attempt to break us apart and that she was just a good actress when she told me that she had no idea what I was talking about. It seems that once in her life, she actually told the truth. Who would have thought?
But Dimitri surely didn't let this chance get away unused and found a way to use this whole story in his advantage, just to mess up with two women at the same time. He just couldn't get enough, right? God, I feel so used. I was just some backup or something like this, no? Just another woman on his list. But gosh, he made me feel so special and I really thought that he loved me. And then, he would just go to another. Who knows for how many times? Who knows with how many others too? All those late nights he spent at the office and him telling me that I should go home to rest? It actually seems that my wellbeing wasn't what was concerning him after all.
That woman said that they met last week too. So she was the late problem he had to solve that night. It's no surprise that he looked so anxious for a split of a second when I asked him about how it went. He lied me to my fucking face, again, with no sign of remorse. And I, being the fool I am, I trusted him. And you know what? I want so bad to believe him too. But I simply can't. Not after what I have just seen. I can't erase that image of their naked bodies entangled in his bed out of my brain.
And now, he just pretended that nothing happened between the two of them, even though I saw with my own fucking eyes that they were tangled into our bed. And even when that Nina told the truth he kept on denying it. He's so fucking shameless. How can he think that I would believe him ever again? I know I have my faults and that I doubted him because of Tasha, but I trusted him without a second thought when he said there is no Nina and now? Now I find him in bed with her, so there goes my trust in him, out the window.
But you know what is worse than anything? That Tasha was right. And I just didn't want to listen. I really thought that he changed. And in my foolishness, I ended up just like her, just like she warned me. I ended up being just one of his other women.
DPOV begins
I have never, ever, in my entire life laid a finger on a woman with the intention to hurt her. But in this moment, only God knows how much I wanted to make Tasha feel the pain I saw in Rose's eyes this morning. Even just half would have been enough. And gosh, how much pain Tasha deserves for what she has done.
I went to her apartment and we talked. Nothing more, for her own good. But I wasn't able to get a thing out from her. She kept on insisting that she had no connection with what happened, that she had no idea what I was talking about, that she moved on after the last incident with Rose, that she finally realized what bad she has done and those were the only responses I managed to get from her, no matter what threats I would come up with or how intimidating I tried to be. I think I broke half the things in her apartment just to keep myself from hurting her, but she just kept her ground and denied everything. I even tried to make her brag about it, playing the defeated one but she still didn't say anything, probably thinking about the possibility that I was recording her, which I was totally doing.
And without her telling me what I needed to know, I have not so much hope left. The situation has gotten way out of control and I can't do a thing to repair it for now. I am completely powerless. I was such a fool to let my guard down. I thought that Tasha finally stopped and got over it and I didn't pay much attention to what was happening anymore. I should have known better than this. But I won't give up. I won't stop until she will tell me everything I want to know. If she can make Rose's life and mine a living hell, I can do the same with hers. There are two of us who can play this game and I am going to play it better than her. She will get to regret everything. I had enough of her.
DPOV ends
And after that much time sitting and staring at nothing, I start feeling cold. So I decide to get moving again. To where, I have no idea. I cross the street and just in front of the building I get past a newsstand. My eyes involuntarily land on a photo of me that is just on the cover. It is of me and Dimitri and it is from last night, as we were at the bar, the image capturing just the moment I was teasing him, both of us having smiles on our faces. And next to that photo is another one of Dimitri and that woman as they are staying next to his car, his arm around her waist and hers around his as well and she is widely smiling. And the title is big and bold: "Dimitri Belikov's new affair. He goes to the bar with one woman and gets home with another.". This is just perfect. The whole town already knows. I guess I was the last one who found out about it.
"Hey, you need to pay that if you want to read it." the seller says to me and snatches the magazine away from me.
I hurriedly pat my inexistent pockets. "I am sorry, I don't have any mo-"
And he takes a look at me with his eyes widened, then looks at the cover of the magazine. "Oh, crap. Here," he says extending the magazine to me and gives me a weird smile. "you can have it for free if you want it."
And I am a second away to burst out crying. Instead, I shake my head no and walk away fast. Just perfect. Now the whole town might get to pity me. I just want to find a pitch and go die in there.
DPOV begins
"Come on, James. I know you took those damn pictures and that she made you do it. Whatever she is paying you, I can give you double, so spill it all out right now."
"Okay, seriously now. It wasn't me." and I have to trust him because the right amount of money usually makes him find his tongue and talk about anything. "Even though, I wish it was me. You know how much money that bastard got?" okay, now he's saying what I want to hear.
"Who?"
"That fucker, Theo. He came in this morning bragging that he has hit the jackpot." yeah, I imagine that news like that would bring him a lot of money.
"Where is he? I need to speak with him."
"I don't know, man."
He is not helping me at all. "Then when he usually comes around here?"
He shrugs. "It depends. If you are lucky enough you may find him around right now, still bragging about his accomplishment. Or not. He may probably be getting wasted into some shady bar, just like usual. He has the money now." he says bitterly.
"And can you take me to him?"
He crosses his arms over his chest. "I don't know. What will I get from that?"
I don't have the time to negotiate anything. "How much do you want?" and a grin appears on his face and soon he does as he is being asked to.
And just when I thought that I would have some proof against Tasha, James takes me to meet a half hangover guy that, in the very second he sees me comes to me and thanks me for what I just did, him being probably the only person who has gotten something good from this damn situation. Him and Tasha, of course. He says that me being in that bar last night was something he didn't expect and he couldn't have wished for something more than to catch me while I was cheating on my girlfriend. He said that it was just the happiest coincidence that he was at the bar last night. And it is hard not to believe that he had nothing to do with this morning's events because when I asked him about Tasha, he just told me that she was already old news and he has never met her.
So, unfortunately, this means that I have only two more things to try now in order to prove my innocence. The next stop, the hospital. And I have to call Stan to see how things are going with finding Nina.
DPOV ends
Later on, my steps finally take me to my only home left in this town. To the only place I can go to now. Before heading upstairs I take a look at my face into a window's glass. And even into the translucent image of myself, I can see that I am a complete mess. No wonder people were looking at me like I'd have just escaped from the nuthouse because I surely look like I did.
I consider things before knocking at their door. Should I burden them with this? No, they don't need this. But I have no other place to go. And I don't know what to do next. I have no other place to go to is the only thought that pushes me to get further. So I summon up the courage and actually knock on that door. It opens soon and Lissa greets me, wearing a tight lilac blouse that is stressing her growing belly, and is emphasizing her doll features. Seeing her happy expression change, I already regret my choice of coming here.
"Rose? Wha-?" and she looks at me head to toe, shock filling her angelic features. "Oh my God, you are bleeding!" how could she guess? "Rose, your foot." and I take a look down at myself. I am only wearing a shirt that is ending somewhere above my knees and my feet are bare. Oh, yeah. I didn't have the time to get some shoes when I left, I didn't realize. And, as Lissa just said, I am actually bleeding, not only on the inside.
"Come inside right now." she says and grabs my hand, taking me in and sitting me on the sofa. Her nurse instincts kick in and we don't speak as she is carefully taking care of my injury. It seems that I stepped on some glass. But I didn't realize it. I didn't feel a thing. My physical pain is not what concerns me now.
"Rose, what happened with you? Are you okay?" she is sitting across me on the sofa, holding my hands into hers, looking so much like a mother to me in this moment, her soft words trying to be reassuring. But her questions crack me and I begin to cry again with sobs and the whole package. I lift the sleeve of the thing that I am wearing to wipe away my tears and I meet his scent. The smell of wood and spices and the light smell of salt from his skin brings back thousands of memories and my heart begins to long for him, for his gentle touch on my skin, for his voice whispering my name. I look down at myself again and realize that in my haste, I got dressed with one of his sweaters. In a second I take it off and throw it across the room.
Lissa looks at me shocked. I can tell that the wheels are spinning in her head. Then, her features get soft and she asks me: "It's Dimitri, isn't it?". I nod, letting out a strangled wail and shot into her warm embrace.
It takes me some time to tell her everything that happened, but I finally calmed down again and I am now on the sofa, a thick blanket around me to keep me warm.
"I'm going to him." Lissa announces me and goes towards the door and picks up her shoes. I get up and hurry after her to stop her.
"Liss, don't. There is nothing more to be said."
"Fine. I won't talk to him at all. I don't have to hear his excuses anyway. I'll just set his car on fire. Or maybe I'll set him on fire! I don't care, but it must hurt a lot. He can't do this to you!"
As much as I would like to do the same things she said, I know that there is nothing could comfort me. Unless he'd be here and- but he's not. Right. And he will never be ever again, no matter how bad I want it. This is the truth and, for my own good, I need to make peace with it as fast as possible.
I place myself in between her and the door. "No, you are not going anywhere, Liss."
"But he must pay for this! He can't just play with your feelings like this and make you think all these" she began to be somehow hysterical by now "things and then go around and wiggle his dick around and look for other-"
I lift my hands, catching hers and stopping all her gesturing around. God, she is so furious right now. It's funny, because I am not furious anymore even though I should be. All I can feel now is nothing. I am completely numb.
"Hey, calm down. It's not good for the baby." she surely doesn't need all my drama right now. She sighs and relaxes a little, then puts her arms around me, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
"I don't want you to hurt, Rose." well, it's already too late for that.
"I am going to be fine, Liss." at least I hope I will someday.
For the past three days, my phone didn't stop buzzing. I would constantly get calls and texts from Lissa, Christian too, my mum, my dad, and the list goes on with persons who have seen the news into the magazines and that are worrying for me and want to know how I am doing but all I want is to be left alone. I don't feel like speaking with anybody. And, of course, some of them are from Dimitri, who is probably asking me to meet him or to give him the chance to explain himself some more, I don't really know. I only listened to the first two voicemails from him. He might have said more, but I didn't want to listen. I just put my phone on silent and left it on the nightstand.
This whole thing started shortly after Lissa and Christian went to Dimitri's place to get all of my things. I wanted things to be dealt with as fast as possible. I wanted it all to be done. I wanted to break off from everything that meant Dimitri. So I gave them my key and to their success, Dimitri wasn't home to stop them. Not that I would have been afraid of that. The thing I hoped wouldn't happen was for the two men to meet. Because when Christian heard about what happened, he went apeshit. Worse than Lissa I may say. For me. I was truly shocked by this. That he cared that much. Between us, well, things weren't always going perfectly, we had a lot of bad things going on along time, but he practically wanted to smash Dimitri's face in the moment he found out. And to be completely honest, I didn't know for which one of them to worry more, considering Dimitri's built and Christian's anger. But there was nothing good that could have gotten out of that, this is sure. And all I wanted in that moment was for things to be done; no more conflicts, no more drama, no more anything. I wanted it all to be done. But luck was by my side and everything went smoothly. And after I got most of my things back, I left. And now I am sitting in a crappy motel room, not wanting to burden my friends even more. They already did way too much for me and they surely don't need me around to fuck up their mood with my sadness.
You know what is worse than a broken heart? If you want to say that nothing, let me disagree. Try having a bitch of a cold along with that and tell me how this works for you because I feel like total shit. It was not enough that my mind and my heart were killing me; my body just decided that it would be nice to fuck with me too, three days after I took care of Lissa. I guess she was right after all. I shouldn't have stayed so close to her. I got all her germs. But she didn't feel that bad back then. Well, with me, things are worse. Way worse. I am running a fever and my whole body hurts. I can barely get out of bed, that's how bad it is. Of course, the walk I made around town half naked that horrible morning had something to do with this, I am sure.
Five minutes passed since I ordered something to eat and someone is already knocking at my door. Wow, that was fast. I crawl my way out of the bed and finally get to the newly painted door and open it. But there is no delivery boy facing me. It's Dimitri. As I see him, a little whimper escapes my mouth. God, I missed him so much. I missed that beautiful face of his, those warm eyes looking at me, his touch. In my heart, the sun began to rise and my whole being warmed, but in my brain, it started to pour as I get flashes from that morning. I just wish to be able to make my mind once and for all but these conflicting emotions are tearing me apart. Where are the days of clear skies? Can't we just go back to them? No. The truth is that we can't. And we never will.
And I panic. How did he find me here? I didn't tell anyone where I am staying. No one knows. I try to shut the door as fast as I can. But his foot stops the door just before I manage to do anything. He opens it back and calmly makes his way into the room, closing it behind it.
Not knowing what else to do, I begin to yell at him. "Get out now! You have no right to be here! How dare you?" my already hurting throat begins to ache harder but I don't stop, I keep on alternating the yelling with some coughing as he slowly comes closer to me and I take steps back in order for him not to reach me. "Why are you here? Go away! I will call for security! I don't want to hear your lies anymore! I don't want to see you! I ha-"
In a swift movement, he glues me to the wall and places a hand on my mouth to make me stop. He's so close to me now that I feel his breath brushing on my boiling hot skin and he is lightly pinning me to the wall, preventing me from moving much.
"Roza, please, just listen to me. For this very time, listen to what I have to say." he says anguished and so softly that I stop and simply stare at him. But he doesn't say anything either. He is watching me with that gaze he was always looking at me, the one full of love. If that was ever love I could see in his eyes. This only hurts me some more. Why is he doing this to me?
My nose being clogged, my mouth is my only source of air. And he is covering it with his palm. "I can't breathe." I mumble between his fingers, my lips brushing on the cold skin of his hand.
"'What?"
"I can't breathe." I mumble again and then try to move my mouth, trying to get a good breath in. He takes his hand off my mouth and apologizes, but doesn't let go of me, his body still pining mine to the wall.
"Rose, I just wa-"
"Dimitri, stop. Please. There are no words on earth that you could ever say to me that would make me forget what I saw." I am speaking funny because my nose is clogged and my throat is sore, the screaming from earlier not helping either. "I believed every single lie you told me. Hell, I don't even know if you ever told me the truth in the first place. About anything. But I trust what I saw with my damn eyes too. And seeing you-" my voice cracks just I remember. "Just go, Dimitri. Don't make things harder for me. I don't know what you want from me, but I can't be like her. I can't be impassible at these things. I can't do this, okay? I can't just sit around and watch yo- watc-" and again, I get coughing. For the love of God, how am I going to speak with him if I keep on interrupting myself?
He places his palm on my forehead now, like he would be taking my temperature. "Roza, you are burning." He says and moves his hand down to my cheek. I turn my head towards it, brushing my lips on his skin, trying to soothe the pain in my chest with his touch. God, what am I doing? I pull away, breaking contact completely.
"Dimitri, just go. Please leave me alone. I can't do this thing…"
"No."
I laugh. "You are not the one who decides that. Get out of here before I begin to scream for help." Well, I'll see how this goes on later. I think I'll break my vocal cords if I try this.
But he still says no. "Look, Rose. Hate me. Do whatever you want. You are upset with me, I get it. And I will take it if that is what you want. But let me take care of you for now. You are so sick. You can't be left alone." And he takes my hand into his and tries to drag me towards the bedroom. I break free from his grip.
"Don't touch me!"
"Rose, for once, please stop being so stubborn. I am not going to do anything to you. Do you think I would ever hurt you?" he asks and I want to give him a stinging response about how he already hurt me, but I don't get the chance because he simply picks me up on his shoulder. I struggle to make him let go of me, I hit him with my legs and punch him in the back as I yell at him, but he doesn't care at all. And God, it really feels so good to hit him after bottling up in me so many things for the past days. He does nothing to stop me. And anyway, what power do I really have in this state? I bet he can barely feel my hits. He takes me into the bedroom and lays me in the bed and puts the covers on me fast. "Just stay in there okay?" he says imposing. I consider my chances and decide that I won't get out of this bed soon. I am angry, but not stupid. And my whole flesh is hurting so bad from my struggling, so why would I even bother? So I lean my back on the bedpost and watch him.
"Don't you have a business to run? Something more important to do than to be here?" I ask sarcastically.
"Not now. Your health is more important." pff, yeah sure. He leans over one wall and crosses his arms, watching me too. What, is he going to guard me all day long? "Have you taken any pills?" No, I haven't. I thought that this little bitch of a cold would pass by its own, but it seems to be persisting. I am even beginning to think that it would take a worse turn. With my luck, who knows? I shake my head no in response. "Have you eaten something?"
"Another woman to fuck then? There surely must be one waiting for you." I continue my questioning, venom filling my words. He doesn't say anything, but his face says enough already. And he seems hurt by my words. Well, the truth hurts, right?
"You are unfair, Rose."
"Am I?" I get out of bed and head his way. "What about you?" and I get so close to him that I am breathing his air, our faces millimeter apart. "How would you call it when you get home and find the man you loved most in bed with another woman?" his expression goes blank. "Yeah, what about calling that unfair?"
"You just said… the man you loved most?" and I can feel the pain in his words. It's good that he at least heard me because I said it on purpose.
I cross my hands over my chest. "Yes. I did."
He smiles lightly. "You don't mean that, Roza."
"Are you that sure?" he nods and this makes me so angry! "Well, too bad. Because I meant each word of it."
"Then say it again." he provokes me.
And I lean closer to him once more and I choose a point on the wall behind him to look at because I can't lie him to his face, like he so easily did so many times. "I don't love you anymore. Not after you did to me." I say as cold as I possibly can. And the way I said it makes me hate myself for it.
His cold palm gets a hold of my cheeks and he moves my head just perfectly for our eyes to meet. Just perfect for me to get lost into the warmness of his glance. Goddamnit! Why is he doing this to me? "Now say that again and look me in the eyes, Rose."
And I am breathing so hard from how bad I am trying not to cry right now and I need to gulp my tears a couple of times before I find the courage to speak. "I don't...I don't l…" and I let out a whine and pull away, turning my back to him. I just can't do it! In spite of everything, I can't give up on loving him. I think I never will. And just when I want to get away, he catches my wrist, not letting me get far. I pull it free and instead of trying to get away somehow, I ask for a compromise. Plus, I am desperately trying to make forgotten the previous incident. He knows I can't lie him to his face and what just happened is not doing any good to my cause.
"If I listen to you, will you leave me alone?" He shakes his head. I lift my arms up in despair. "What do you want then?"
"Nothing. I am not leaving You can't be alone in this condition."
I throw myself into a pleading of why he should leave me alone, but I soon get interrupted by the knocking at the door. Dimitri goes to open it and returns with my soup. I totally forgot about it. He makes me sit in bed and then makes me eat all of it. And I do it not because he told me so, but because I am starving.
As I am eating, Dimitri gets out of the room and goes God knows where, but this is my chance to get away. To hell if I am going to sit around for one more second. I can't bear to be near him. It hurts too much. I hastily put on my shoes and I can only manage to take three steps outside the room because this man comes back and catches me just in time. Where did he go just for one minute or so?
"What are you doing?"
"What does it seem to you? I am getting out of here. If you are not leaving, then I am."
"No, you are not." And he again carries me like a sack of potatoes back in the room.
"You know this accounts as kidnapping, no?" I try to bring some sense into this discussion. "I could call the police."
But all he does is to cross his arms over his chest and throws me one of his signature looks, getting to act bossy, which only gets to annoy me some more. "You can't roam the streets with a fever like that Rose, understand this." he says softly, contrasting with his imposing pose. "Now, here. Take this." He says handing me some pill. I take it. Anything to make me feel better because I can barely keep myself together in this condition but of course, to hell if I am letting him be right. And maybe by taking this pill I will get better soon enough and have some more chances to actually run from him again.
Then he tells me that I should get some sleep, acting so bossy once more. But I do as he says again. For once because if I am sleeping I won't have to see his face, which is working just fine for me. And second, maybe he will even get a call from one of his other ladies while I am asleep and he will leave and when I will wake up I will be alone again to wallow in peace.
DPOV begins
It takes her about two minutes to fall asleep, that tired she was. And in just about an hour after she cuddled in between the covers, she started shaking really bad. I get to her to check her temperature once more. And it got worse than earlier. I thought that it will subdue thanks to the pill I gave her, but unfortunately, it didn't. She is really hot. And this cannot go on like this. It is not good for her. And I might have an idea of how to fix things a little.
I slowly walk my fingers across her burning cheek. "Roza? Hey. You need to wake up."
But she doesn't pay me any attention. She just lets out a little sigh and pulls the covers tighter around her, her body still shivering. Okay then, I will do it. I get the covers off her and she curls her body even more when the air in the room makes contact with her sweaty skin. I lift her up and she slowly moans at my touches, probably her whole body hurting, but I have no other choice than to move her as she seems pretty unconscious. I take her clothes off and pick her up, she making herself little into my arms and starting to shiver even harder as I head to the bathroom.
"Dimitri? Is that you?" she barely says, her teeth clattering.
"Yes, Roza. I am here." I respond to her and turn the water into the shower on.
She tries to keep her eyes open, but doesn't manage to do that for more than a few seconds. Then, she tilts her head a little, gulps hard and licks her cracked lips. "Why didn't you love me?" she asks trying to get a hold of my T-shirt but doesn't have the force and very soon goes back to her unconscious state. But at her words, I freeze in place just in front of the shower door for a second. Is this what she thinks? That I never loved her? God, she must be hurting so much from having this thought in her head.
DPOV ends
I wake up as cold water runs over me. Cold, cold water. I have no idea where I am or how I ended up in this place, but it feels so good to be here. I am boiling on the inside and this thing helps tremendously. But as I open my eyes, I realize that I am not alone in that wonderful place. I am in Dimitri's arms, who is in the shower with me, both sitting on the shower's floor, the cold water falling on both of our bodies.
He gets my wet hair out of my face and then lays his palm on my forehead, stopping for a couple of seconds the drops of water from falling into my eyes, seconds in which I get to see him clearly. "Do you feel better like this?" and all I have the power to do is to nod and he moves his fingers down on my cheek, caressing it with his thumb.
I feel so drowsy, but I slowly lift my palm and place it on his wet T-shirt, then as slowly, I lift my head and catch his eye as he turns his head completely in my way. "Why are you doing this?" I whisper.
For a second he frowns, then his features get soft again and he passes his fingers through my hair. "Because your body temperature was way too high."
I shake my head. This is not what I wanted to know from him. I wanted to know why he is here and why he is doing all these things. Because if he is doing them just because he thinks it might get him something, he is wrong. Him doing this won't simply erase the fact that he was with another woman. And this situation doesn't bring me anything good either. It is only hurting me more to be close to him again. After three days of missing him, being with him again is the worst that could have happened. "I was try-" and I get coughing. Really? Can't I say a complete sentence without having to stop to cough?
"Shhh. It would be better for your throat if you'd try not to talk, Rose." he says and pulls me back to him and I place my cheek on his shoulder, my nose brushing on the skin of his neck, and soon I start to tremble. And he soothes me, walking his palm across my spine and with each touch of his on my hurting flesh, I moan lightly. "We'll get out of here soon. Just a little longer until you cool down, okay?" but oh, if he would only know that I am not shaking from the cold but because I am crying so bad. It's good that there is way too much water around for him not to feel my tears.
And we sit in there until I begin to shake, but from the cold now. My temperature has gotten lower and I don't feel like someone is making a fire inside my body. Dimitri was shaking for way longer than me, but he didn't move, not until I told him that I am feeling cold, not until he was sure that I wasn't running such a bad fever anymore. After that, he got us out and carried me into the bedroom. I am feeling really weak and I can't get my body moving no matter how much I want it, so he changes my clothes with thicker, dry ones, then lays me in bed and puts the covers on me. I am still shaking uncontrollably and I make myself little, rounding the covers on me, trying to find some heat now. Gosh, it sucks so much to have a fever. The states you are into change in a matter of minutes!
Then, Dimitri gets in bed next to me, turns me around and glues me to him, giving me some of his body heat too. How he managed to get out of that shower shaking too and be warm now is way too much for me to wrap my mind around it. And I know I should pull away, I want to pull away from him, but I am just so cold now and he is so, so warm right now. I round my body on his, making myself little next to him and bury my nose into the crook of his neck, letting his familiar scent calm the longing in my chest.
As he is caressing my hair, I turn my head in his direction and get my hand out from under the covers. I trace the too familiar line of his jaw and at my touch, he sighs lightly and turns his head towards me, looking at me with his studying gaze. I go further and pass my hand through his wet hair, arranging his strands.
Then, I look him into the eyes. "You know what hurts most, Dimitri?" we look at each other for one long second and then I sigh, trying to not let my tears fall for the hundredth time these past days. "Me, not being enough for you. What did I do wrong?" you know? Maybe this whole thing is after all my fault. Maybe I was the one who pushed him to go to another woman in the search of something I couldn't offer to him, something that would have made him only want me. Maybe I should have been different and like that, he would have loved me enough not to do such a thing. Just maybe... If there would be a reason, maybe this thing would be more bearable.
He sighs and wants to caress my cheek, but I pull away. "Roza…How can I make you unders-"
"No. God, Dimitri. Just give up on it. There's no point." And I turn away, moving to the edge of the bed, not wanting to feel touch on me anymore. I close my eyes, trying to completely ignore the fact that he is still in bed with me, next to my back and I let my tears silently fall down my cheeks. And I feel his gentle touch as he is tucking me in, putting the covers on my body in a better manner and then I feel him getting closer to my ear, his breath brushing over my cheek and I know that he wants to say something to me, but I am not prepared at all to hear it. I strain my whole body and keep my eyes closed tight. "Please, Dimitri. Just go." I say with small sobs. But he doesn't go right away. He lingers for one more second, then whispers to me:
"I want you to know that no matter what, I loved you Roza, and I still do." and his lips place a soft kiss on my temple. "And that won't ever change." and then he gets off the bed.
I don't know for how long I slept this time, but when I wake up I feel better and the fever has finally subsided. But some time passed because the room is now really dark. And the spot next to me is still empty. The only light comes from the lamp in the room, which is next to the armchair. On it is Dimitri, reading. So he hasn't left. His attention is focused on his book and his features look so beautiful in this dim light. I can only see half of his face and some strands got out of the clasp at the nape of his neck, hanging over his cheek. I watch him as he turns some pages, forming in my head one of the last images of him.
Some while later, I rise and his face turns my way. We watch each other for a couple of seconds, then I decide to speak. "Why wasn't I enough for you?" I ask him once again. I need to know why. I want a reason. I want an explanation of why he did this. I don't want more lies.
At my question, his face flinches. He puts the book away, comes my way and crouches next to me beside the bed. "Please, don't say that. Roza, I love you so much. You are more than I ever wished for." His hand caresses my cheek and I move my face out of the way.
"How dare you even mention love? After what you did with that woman? I saw you, Dimitri. You were both in our bed."
"Rose, don't be like this. You-"
"Fine. Then explain to me. Tell me everything you want. I will listen." I am finally ready to see what he has to say about all that.
And he begins to lie again. But I listen to all of it, without interrupting him. When he finishes, he is looking at me, waiting for a response. What should I say? There is nothing much to say! So I just look for further explanations.
"Fine. Let's say I actually believe what you just told me. But tell me this. You said that she must have done something to you to make you get in that situation." and by that situation, I totally mean naked and in bed with her. "But you have nothing on that. You said the doctor couldn't find anything. Not a single so supposed drug. What should I believe it happened then? Maybe you just got drunk again like it happened with me that night and you picked up the first girl you found, right? You do that often? I didn't know you had a drinking problem." his face fills with sorrow. "Or what about this?" I ask showing him the note he has just given me. "What should I do with this? Anyone could have written it. This doesn't prove shit, Dimitri." and I pass my hands through my hair, trying so hard to believe what he has just told me, but this story has so many cracks in it that it is almost impossible for me not to doubt everything. "Or this. That day when you received that text, I believed you when you said that you didn't know any Nina. But it seems that you do in fact. I just found her in our bed! And you lied to me about it! To my fucking face. And hell, half a town has seen the two of you leaving the bar together, Dimitri. That photo's everywhere. Then how can you say that nothing happened?"
"I told you I have nothing to do with it."
"Yeah, yeah, of course. It was Tasha, right? I don't say that I don't see her capable of doing this, but how can I know for sure that you just didn't take advantage of all the things that she did before and decided to take the opportunity and fuck two women or more? It seems fair. Hell, it was so easy, no? It was easy to lie to me when you knew you could blame Tasha for it, no?" he tries to say something again but I stop him. "No, no. I listened to you. Now it is my turn to speak. There is one more thing. Nina said that you saw each other last week. The only time it could have happened it's the day you had to solve that problem. I am sure you know what I am talking about. But when I asked you, you didn't say to me what was the problem, because she is what you had to take care of, right? What? She needed a quick fix?"
"No. That's not true."
"Then tell me where you have been." His face seems resigned for a second, just like he would be thinking about what lie he could tell me about that thing. I puff. "Of course you can't tell me why. Because I am right."
He considers things and exhales. "No, that is not right. I will tell you everything you want to know. It was something about Viktoria I had to take care of. She called-"
"I can't believe this! You are so fucking shameless! You are bringing your family into this? You won't impress me with this. I can't listen to you anymore. I am done now." I rise up from the bed and get my things from around the room but he stops me. "Come on, Dimitri. That desperate are you that you came up with this shit?"
"Call her. She'll tell you."
Ugh! Okay. I need to think about these things well. Maybe I don't know him that well as I have recently found out, but when it comes to his family he is devoted to them and maybe, just maybe, he is not lying to me with this. So I give him some credit for this fact only. "Fine. I will choose to believe you with this. But what about the other nights you were away? How can I know that you weren't with her?"
He smiles lightly and nods. "You can't, Rose. But you could believe me."
I laugh at this. "You know that that is a pretty damn hard thing for me to do, no? Wouldn't it be for you too if you would hear all this story?"
He passes a hand through his hair and then nods. "I know it is hard to believe. But you will see. I will find that girl and I will get to the bottom of this."
"Wow, you are again acting like you don't know her." I laugh bitterly and look away. "Why don't you bring your mistress to tell me the "truth" too? It would be easier than pretending you have no idea who she is. Maybe she will lie for you if you convince her. You are really good at convincing. And hell, maybe she could convince me too. Both of you might make me change my mind."
"I can't find her." he says gritting his teeth.
I roll my eyes. "So convenient, right?" and without any explanations to ask for, I decide that I have found out everything that was to find out. Which is not much in fact. There is nothing that could make me think otherwise, no matter how much I wish it to be true. I can't know for sure. And this thing is killing me. I can't be with him not knowing for sure. I can't live with the uncertainty. It would kill me living with the fear that it will happen again. "I'll just leave now. I can't be around you anymore." because it hurts so bad I omit to add.
And I grab my things and head to the door. He comes after me and stops me. He pulls me back to him and I raise my arms to keep some distance between us. "Don't leave, Roza."
"Before…You said you loved me." Who knows if he ever meant those words?
"I do. I love you more than everything, Roza." his words make my heart ache even more. Why won't he stop saying this!? What does he think that it is going to bring him if he repeats these words without meaning them? Why won't give up on me already?
"I really don't know what you want from me now. I already told you that I can't believe you. But Dimitri, if you really love me as you say, if there was even a tiny part of you that ever loved me once...then let me go now. I can't keep on doing this. Between us," I stop to take a breath, trying not to burst into tears and watch him in the eyes. "everything is over." and these words are the hardest thing I have ever said in my life and as they leave my lips, I can feel my heart breaking a little more. "So now, let go of me, please." I ask him as I look at his palm wrapped around my wrist.
"Rose," he says not letting go of my hand. "Look at me please." and I hardly lift my gaze and look him in the eye again. "This is not me giving up on you. You will see one day that I wasn't l lying to you. I will show you the truth somehow. Even if that is the last thing I do." He says lastly and lets go of me. I get out the door and never look back. And he doesn't follow me.
