As promised, here is the Special Cameo Chapter! Yay!
*crickets chirp*
*deadpans* Well don't everyone all cheer at once...
By the way, the last chapter was written like Arthur C. Clark again. Though unlike his stuff, mine isn't boring as all crap (not that I've actually read any of his stuff...) Also, you don't have to wait thirty minutes into the movie for the dialogue to start.
Even though there isn't a Cold Fuzz movie...
Whatever; on with the crack!
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Since going off alcohol Matsumoto had changed dramatically; she went from being a slightly out of it ditz to an apathetic lazybones.
Kind of a lateral move if you ask me.
"Hey Rangiku!" Renji called from his desk, "You have the follow up on the J-jogger case yesterday?"
"It's somewhere..." she shrugged. She went back to flipping through her fashion magazine. (Apparently big breasts were in.)
"...Any idea where?" he asked, his patience wearing a little thin.
"I don't know, I just tossed it somewhere."
"You...tossed it somewhere..." Renji said slowly.
"Mmhmm."
"..."
"..."
"...YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO REMEMBER WHERE, WOULD YOU?"
He might have been a little tiny bit pissed.
"Would you mind ever so kindly shutting the hell up?" Yumichika asked, "I can't harmonize my aura with all your bitching."
"You know, none of the tests I've none have ever done have conclusively proven the existence of an aura," Isane explained, holding up a chart with a bunch of different graphs on it.
"Do those graphs even mean anything?" Kiyone asked her older sister.
"Of course they do!" Isane exclaimed indignantly.
It didn't really give her much credibility.
"Would you idiots keep it down?" Tatsuki called, "I'm on the phone."
"Don't look at us," Ichigo called back, "we're busy." And with that he went back to making out with Rukia.
"Doesn't it just make you sick?" Ikkaku said, sticking his head out of the bathroom. His scalp nearly blinded everyone when the light hit it.
"Geez, lay back on the polish a bit, would you Chrome Dome?" Renji snapped.
"Yeah," Nel agreed, "I'd like ta not be in glasses beforwe I turn ten, tank you very much!"
"I thought I said shut the [censor] up!" Tatsuki pulled out her gun, "I'm on the phone with a friend of mine from high school that I haven't seen in a while and I'd like to finish my conversation in peace." Then she thought for a moment, "and even if you do mind." The she went back to her conversation.
For a few moments everyone was afraid to speak, then Tatsuki hung up the phone.
"So how's you friend?" Rukia asked, feeling a strange sense of déjà-vu, as if a situation like this had already happened once before.
...
Naaaaah!
"She's going to be in town for a little while and she said she's open for visits whenever."
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
"Llllllllet's get ready to rumbleeeeeeee!" the announcer shouted over the stadium PA system. Strobe lights flashed in complicated patterns and thumping music blasted throughout the building, causing the gathered crowds of erupt into cheers.
And cause Isane to hyperventilate.
"Have I ever mentioned that I don't do so well in large crowds?" she asked.
There was immediately a twenty foot circle around her and the rest of the KPD.
"And this is why we never take you out anywhere," Kiyone told her older sister, sighing.
"So you're telling us that the world famous Mixed Martial Arts champion Erza 'Titania' Scarlet, the most ruthless fighting woman the world has even seen, is your friend?" Renji asked.
"Damn straight!" Tatsuki said with pride. "We both wanted to make a living beating people up, and since she was the more theatrical of the two of us this just seemed like the perfect choice."
"So why didn't you do that to?" Rukia asked, "This seems like it would pay more than being a lowly police officer."
"Nah, as a policeman I can beat up anyone I damn well please; as a professional fighter you can only beat up whoever's in the ring with you."
Down on the floor the fight bell rang.
"...I'm not sure it works like that," Rukia stammered. Did she even read the chapter about probable cause?
"Are legs supposed to bend that way?" Ichigo asked, his eyes morbidly glued to the carnage happening in the ring below.
"Oh please," Yumichika scoffed, "that's nothing compared to what we had to do yesterday in the class at the community center."
"Is it sad that I can totally believe that?" Kiyone wondered.
"Personally, I'm more concerned with how much damage her spine is taking," Isane commented.
"This reminds me of the first time Erza and I met..." Tatsuki said, triggering one of those flashback scenes this story has become so famous for.
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Young Tatsuki: *wearing a sailor fuku and applying lipstick* Dammit! This shade doesn't match my eyes either!
Young Erza: *walks up behind Tatsuki* Hey Arisawa, why don't you give up this girly stuff and come join us tough gals? Seriously, you've got so much hidden potential just waiting to be unleashed, I'd hate to see it wasted."
Tatsuki: *turns to Erza* Look, I just don't think that- *stops and hesitantly gestures to bandage over Erza's right eye* Um, what happened to your eye?
Erza: Oh I just beat up some of those lesbian freaks form Class 2-D on the way over here; let's just say one of them knows how to do her nails right.
Chizuru:*comes skipping up* Oh Tatsuki-chaaaaaan, I brought that new lipstick I told you about! And some blush to boot!
Tatsuki: *becomes suddenly enraged* Tatsuki Special: Dragon Kick! *sends Chizuru flying* Wow, that felt surprisingly good!
Erza: *puts arm around Tatsuki's shoulder* And it only get's better my friend...
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
"After that I give up my girly ways and took to hanging out with Erza and her friends at the gym after school. We even got matching tattoos!" Tatsuki rolled up her sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a crudely drawn bear holding a shark over it's head.
"So then how come we've never seen that before?" Yumichika asked. "I mean, you were tank tops more often than not and I've never seen a tattoo there before."
"Because shut up," the female Bruce Lee said, turning back to the fight and acting like the question had never happened.
"Winner:" the announcer suddenly announced, "Erza 'Titania' Scarlet!" The crowd erupted into cheers and jumped to their feet, shouting either their praises or nay-says to the victor.
"Come on," Tatsuki said as she stood in place, gesturing to the rest of her friends, "I'll introduce you guys."
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
"Uncle uncle uncle uncle!" Tatsuki screamed as she was put into a choke hold by her high school chum.
"Oh my god," Kiyone deadpanned, "I never thought I'd see the day where someone would get the better of Tatsuki."
"I'm more surprised that she actually cried 'uncle'," Renji countered, "In fact I'm surprised the world hasn't ended yet because of it."
"And it never will," Erza said, flipping Tatsuki onto the ground, "because I taught Tatsuki-chan almost everything she knows about fighting." She offered Tatsuki a hand up, "It's good to see you again Fire Demon."
"Likewise," Tatsuki said she righted herself. Then the two of them embraced each other strongly.
"It's almost like she's not scary..." Ikkaku marveled.
"I thought she'd be taller..." Matsumoto commented offhandedly.
Erza stood about an inch shorter than Matsumoto standing tall.
"You look less drunk than the I remember Tatsuki explaining you," Erza regarded the large chested policewoman.
"Yeah, I've been trying to cut back lately," she explained.
"We're all real proud of her," Ichigo said, clapping her on the shoulder.
And that's when the robot-pirate-ninja attacked.
"Dammit..." Erza sighed, "this is the fifth time this week this has happened. You'd think they'd get tired of coming after me after the 78th attempt, wouldn't you?"
Then she turned and charged at the mob of stealthy, mechanical buccaneers.
Five seconds later it was all over.
"Try to give me a challenge next time, would ya?" she said, kicking the last one out the window.
"Didn't I tell you guys she was great?" Tatsuki asked her comrades, a smile of maniacal glee plastered on her face.
"I never thought I'd see the day where someone would make Tatsuki seem tame..." Rukia breathed.
Renji immediately ran to the window to check if the apocalypse was happening yet.
"I'd hate to be here when it's her time of the month..." shuddered Kiyone.
"OH," Ikkaku countered, "NO ONE could be worse than Tatsuki on her pe-"
Suddenly a monstrous rage that could put demons to shame emanated from Erza, blasting Ikkaku through the wall.
A moment later he crashed through the opposite wall.
"I stand corrected..." he whimpered shakily, fainting.
He was wearing leiderhosen and a rice farmer's hat, holding a tribal war spear.
"Damn girl you got distance!" Ichigo exclaimed.
"If I really wanted to go for distance," Erza explained, "he would have passed Pluto before coming back.
"Actually," she said, "this isn't even my best work."
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Hanatarou: *thinking* Should I ask her? I mean, she's just sitting there all by herself, sipping her coffee. Maybe she was stood up by someone? If that's the case, then maybe she needs someone to talk with about it. OK, I'm going to do it, I'm going to- Oh...someone else walked up already... Well, I suppose it just wasn't meant to- Hang on, it's just the waiter. Maybe I still have a chance! OK, no more chickening out, I'm gonna do it! I'll just walk over and ask her if I could sit down. ...But she might get suspicious and pull a can of mace on me like those last five women did. Or she could pull out a gun like Tatsuki did... And it was a shotgun to- No! I'm thinking about this to hard; I just need to go over to her and sincerely ask-
Zaraki: *suddenly appears behind Hanatarou* GET ON WITH IT! *kicks Hanatarou right into Erza's chest*
Erza: *disturbingly calm, given the the circumstances* Is there any particular reason you have your face in my boobs?
Hanatarou: *dejectedly* Um...no, I can't really think of anything...please don't kill me?
Erza: *smiles sweetly and flicks Hanatarou into the ionosphere*
Hanatarou: WAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOEEY!" *disappears in a twinkle*
*Five minutes later Hanatarou crashes back into the KPD building wearing a toga, a viking helmet, a swishy should cape, and holding Excalibur*
Hanatarou: Honey, I'm home...! *faints*
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
"First time I broke the time barrier too. Anyways, why don't we all go for a drink or something? I just heard about this new bar that opened up recently called the Snuggly Duckling, you guys ever been?"
"Occasionally," Yumichika said, "We know the owner."
"And the former owner," Kiyone piped in.
"I like puppies..." Ikkaku moaned from the floor, suffering from a mild concussion.
Yeah, it was gonna take more than a little wax to fix his melon up this time.
He still had his leiderhosen on, by the way.
"I still can't drink, remember?" Matsumoto pointed out. When Erza looked at her skeptically, she explained, "I have a chip in me that gives me a shock whenever I so much as touch a bottle of alcohol."
"You could always have non-alcoholic beer, couldn't you?" Isane asked.
Matsumoto looked at her quizzically.
"What's this...'Non-alcoholic beer' you speak of?"
"Never mind..." the silver haired medic sighed.
"You can have water, right?" Erza wondered.
"Water's boring," Matsumoto pouted.
"What about flavored water?" the MMA diva amended.
"Wouldn't that be juice then?" Boobs- I mean Rangiku countered.
"Isn't there a way to turn the chip off so you could have a drink every now and then?" Rukia wondered.
"Well I didn't get this remote control for it..." Matsumoto said.
"...And?" Everyone leaned in close.
"I lost it."
Everyone fell to the floor.
"Hang on a second," Ichigo exclaimed, "were did Nel run off to?"
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Nel was currently in the cage, putting the smackdown on some chick four times her size.
"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" the chick screamed, "I GIVE! NOW WOULD YOU LET ME GO PLEASE?"
"Not untilw I get a pony!" the tiny tot of terror announced.
"I'LL GIVE YOU TEN PONIES, JUST PLEASE- OH GAAAWD I CAN'T FELL MY ARMS ANYMORE!"
"One's fine Yamada Nee-san," Nel told Hanatarou's older sister brightly as she let her go.
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
So we find out that Hanatarou has an older sister.
…I can definitely see the family resemblance.
Anyways, next time the KPD are going on a trip! (Don't worry, it's of their own choosing this time.) It's someplace with a lot of flashing lights and gambling, and I'll give you a hint, it ain't Reno.
