A/N: Hello again! I'm sorry I didn't post at the weekend but real life had been extremely busy. But to make up for it, this chapter is very long, so I hope, you won't be all too mad for taking so long!
Thanks for the comments – as always – and we're really happy you're still enjoying the story! =)
Now enjoy reading Chapter 53! =)
Michael Holt POV:
Michael had been in a bad mood ever since his last conversation with Lewis and he felt more alone than he ever had. He missed his best friend and he almost regretted coming to Seattle in the first place. If things wouldn't change, there was nothing that would keep him here. Maybe he should have stayed where he was. Where he had had a really good life.
Okay, he didn't have many friends there, either, but he was the star of the hospital, and here he seemed to be just a replacement for Derek Sheppard. He would maybe always be in his shadow, even though Michael just knew he was better. He had definitely better skills.
His mood lightened up when he saw Addison Montgomery sitting in the cafeteria. He thought that maybe, maybe they could have their coffee date right now and moved towards her, when he noticed there was someone else sitting next to her. And not just someone, but someone Michael despised with every fibre of his body.
"No" Michael heard Tyler say "keep on walking Holt!"
But Michael had never being good at obeying orders, so he just stopped in front of Addison, smiling down at her and after the first moment of shock and resentment, decided to ignore Tyler.
"I just came to say hello to Addison" Michael explained "dick"
He couldn't hold back the last word. It had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself, but he wasn't sorry anyways. All Tyler had done was causing pain for Lewis and Michael didn't want him here at all. With him here, it would be much more difficult to reunite with Lewis, and he knew it, because Tyler would do everything to keep them apart. Because their dislike for each other was mutual.
"You did it, now you can go back to existing under your rock" Tyler replied and Michael shot him a glare.
"I have to see my patients anyways..." He said with a smile to Addison. "See you soon, I hope."
He made his way out of the cafeteria and to the nurse's station of the neuro department when he heard two nurses chat with each other.
"Have you heard about Avery? It's a shame, isn't it?" the blond nurse said, and the name of his best friend startled Michael. Was something wrong with Lewis?
"Yeah... I still can't believe that the rumours are true... but since he's gone and Sloan is back, there must be at least some truth in it..." the dark haired nurse replied.
They both hadn't even noticed Michael standing behind them, because they were so busy with their conversation, until Michael cleared his throat.
Jumping, the black haired nurse turned around, looking up at Michael.
"Dr. Holt... can I do something for you?"
"Yes, indeed..." Michael replied. "I need the patient file of Mister Ross and then I need to know what you two were talking about..."
The nurse, whose name tag said 'Rose' handed the file over to Michael and her gaze went downwards.
"It might be just rumours..."
"I still wanna know!" Michael insisted. "Or I can go to the Chief and find out myself... telling him you're spreading rumours." He didn't want to threaten Rose, but at least it seemed to work.
"Well... Doctor Sloan is back at work since today, and rumour has it, that it's because Doctor Avery - the young one..." she emphasized. "...that he quit because he has a drug problem."
Michael stared at her in shock.
"A... drug problem?"
"It's just rumours..." Rose waved dismissively. "Maybe he's just on vacation or such... I'm sure it's not true..."
"Whatever it is..." Michael replied. "I want you to keep this to yourself, have I made myself clear?"
"S... Sure, of course!" Rose replied and the nervousness was visible to Michael.
"Good..." He turned around, walking to the elevators and going down. He needed to talk to Lewis. If someone knew about Jackson, it would be him.
Michael knew, they weren't exactly on good terms - Lewis and Jackson - but he knew if someone knew it would be him.
He made his way to Lewis' office and knocked, waiting for Lewis' reply and then walked in.
"What are you doing here?" Lewis asked coldly, barely looking at him. He was sitting at his desk, writing down some notes in a patient's file, as it looked like.
"Is it true?" Michael asked directly, causing Lewis to look up at him.
"Is what true? I have no fucking clue what you're talking about."
"Jackson," Michael replied, noticing the twitch in Lewis' body.
"Depends on what you've heard..." Lewis said, putting down his pen.
"People say he has a drug problem... and that he quit..." Michael bit his lower lip. Only the thought of it terrified him. Especially after all he did to the guy.
"It's true!" Lewis confirmed, staring up at him, before getting up from his chair and rounding the desk. "And can I tell you something else? This is entirely your fault."
Immediately, Michael took a step back. He opened his mouth to say something, but no word came out. His brain just didn't do his job at this very moment and so he just looked at Lewis, feeling ashamed of himself.
"You did this to him, Michael. If you had stopped when I told you, none of this would have happened. If you had just listened to me..." Lewis attacked him verbally. "He's gone... took off and no one knows where he went or when he's coming back. IF he's coming back. If I never see him again, Michael, I'll never forgive you..."
"Lewis, I... I... I'm sorry..." Michael finally managed to say, feeling his knees becoming weak. "I didn't mean to..."
"To what?" Lewis interrupted him. "To destroy his life? Yes, you did. That was exactly what you meant to do..."
"Just because you told me so!" Michael shot back, feeling a slight anger rise within him. "This is not only on me... I started this war because of you. For you! I did it all for you, and if you want to blame someone, why don't you start with yourself?"
"I do blame myself," Lewis gave back immediately. "And I will regret what I did for the rest of my life... but unlike you I knew when to stop, and I tried to make it better. I tried to help him, even though it was already too late. But you... instead of stopping when I asked you... begged you to stop, you topped it by sleeping with him and taking away the last thing he had left..."
Michael turned away. He couldn't stand to look at Lewis any longer, and especially the last part of his sentence made a deep guilt rise within him.
"Say something!" Lewis literally shouted, but Michael just remained silent, biting his lower lip.
"You did sleep with him, right?" Lewis asked into the silence, and it seemed like in that very moment it all became clear to him.
"Oh God, I should have known it! I should have known you would never do something like that. You could never do something like that. You didn't even want to sleep with me when I offered it to you... someone you can trust and someone who would have done everything for you... It should have been obvious, but I was stupid enough to fall for your stunt, too."
Lewis grabbed Michael's arm and pushed him towards the door of his office.
"I want you to leave now, and if you ever dare to come near me again... or near Tyler or Jackson, I swear I'll fill out a restraining order," he threatened.
Shocked, Michael stared at him. "You don't mean that!"
"Yes! Yes, I do. I never wanna see your face again, but since we work in the same hospital, that won't be possible. If I could, I would make you lose your job, but I'm not like that. I'm not like you. I won't ever sink that deep," Lewis replied. "But I want you to stay away from me. From me and my family."
And with that, he slammed the door in Michael's face and just left Michael standing there.
This couldn't just have happened. This was a nightmare and all Michael wanted was to wake up. Finally wake up and everything was okay again. He thought it couldn't get any worse, but it just did. It just went much worse. A lot worse than he ever expected and now Lewis even knew that he hadn't slept with Jackson. That he had made it all up.
Slowly, he made his way back to the neurological station, still holding the patient's file in his hands and taking a deep breath. He needed to swallow down his feelings just for a moment to take care of his patient, because he deserved the best treatment and it wasn't the patient's fault that he just had a fight with his best friend.
He made his way to the patient's room, but was more than glad when he left it again about fifteen minutes later. His patient would need surgery, but he could do it and he knew it.
He was barely out of the room when reality hit him again and all the things that just happened came back to him. He needed to be alone, so he made his way to his office, sinking down on the chair and burying his head in his hands. What had he done? Knowing how much trouble he had really caused, literally killed him and now it probably was too late to make anything right again.
Addison Montgomery POV:
The tension between Tyler and Michael had peaked Addison's interest. There was definitely a story there and Addison couldn't pretend like she didn't want to hear it.
She had spent a long time away from Seattle Grace, but now that she was back she could tell as much as things changed the more they stayed the same.
After finishing her coffee with Tyler the man gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before returning to his hotel to try and get some sleep. Addison knew people and Tyler was a good guy. Through and through, so if he despised this Holt guy so much there had to be legitimate reasons.
Still, one look at Holt and she could see past the bravado and saw a man who wasn't given the credit he deserved. He reminded her so much of Mark in his younger days that Addison couldn't deny that there was a small bit of attraction there.
Just a small one.
Although right now, after hearing Tyler say that Jackson had up and quit Addison had to see Mark and see if he was okay. The man hadn't yet told her about their relationship, but she was going to be there regardless.
Knocking on his office door she heard Mark call her in and once she entered she saw Alex sitting across from him. He had a notepad open and was writing down something, but the main thing Addison took notice of was his face. It looked tired and worn out, as if the man hadn't gotten enough sleep or had just come from a long crying jag.
"Hey Alex"
"Hey Addison" he said with a tired smile "I'm sorry I had to bail early on that last appointment. It's just an emergency came up"
"No need to apologize, Alex" she smiled "but I should be doing another ultrasound in two days if you want to be there"
"Definitely"
"Alex" Mark interjected "I want you to go and file those charts and then finish my post-ops"
Turning around Alex nodded his head "Yes, sir" he said as he stood "sorry" he mumbled and walking past Addison he looked sheepish as he quickly made his way out of Mark's office.
That was weird. If Addison didn't know any better she would say that Alex looked scared over something.
"You've been terrorizing Karev again" Addison laughed, but when Mark looked up at her in surprise she knew something was wrong.
Taking Alex's previous seat she looked at Mark concerned. It was time to get the truth.
"I thought Alex was on a Peds fellowship" she said and getting a short shrug from Mark she watched him write something down.
"My Plastics fellow isn't here any longer so I have to make due" the words were on the strong side of bitter.
"What happened?"
"It's...not important" Mark told her.
"Mark" she said "I've known you long enough to tell when something is really bothering you. Now you can tell me or I can force it out of you and it won't be in the fun way"
That had gotten a laugh from the man, but his face quickly reverted back to it's sombre expression.
"He was just one of the best that had come along in quite awhile and to lose him is tough"
Addison heart felt heavy for Mark and although Mark being with a man surprised her, although thinking back, not as much as it should have, it was clear how much Mark had loved him.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Mark, because I want you to be honest with me" and Mark looked at her confused.
"When I first arrived back in Seattle I ran into a stranger that I have actually gotten to become pretty good friends with."
"What are you getting at?"
"It was Tyler Browning" Addison said "he's kept me up to date with what's going on with Jackson and he let me know how he left behind somebody he really loved. He told me about you and Jackson's relationship."
Mark jumped up terrified "What?"
"Calm down, Mark" Addison said "it's okay"
"No, it's not" he told her "he had no right to tell you something like that"
"To be fair he's not even aware that we know each other"
Standing up she walked over to Mark and grabbed his hand. She could feel how clammy it was. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Looking down towards the floor Mark gripped her hand tight "I didn't know what you would think."
"You do remember I know about you and Derek" she smiled "and I've seen Jackson, the man is gorgeous enough to make any man stop worrying about something stupid like labels"
"He is pretty hot, isn't he?" Mark smiled.
"Very hot" she chuckled and caressed Mark's cheek "now why don't you tell me what you're going through?"
That was the moment Addison knew she had broken through "I'm trying so hard to survive moment to moment, but without Jackson here it's killing me."
"Oh Mark" Addison said as she pulled him into a hug "I'm so sorry"
"After Lexie I promised myself I wouldn't leave myself open like that ever again, but he wormed his way in and now I can't shake him" Mark laid his forehead on her shoulder "I don't know how to make this pain go away."
"Have you been able to get in contact with him at all?"
"I've left dozens of messages on his voicemail, but I dropped the ball and let people hurt him so I can't be that surprised that he wants avoid me"
Grabbing Mark's face she made the man look at him "None of this is your fault" Addison said "you have to know that"
"He became an addict right under my nose" Mark told her "and all we did was argue about stupid fucking issues that should have never mattered and then I let him end things with us. I didn't even fight for us."
"Look at you, Mark" she said "the way you're reacting to his absence tells me that there is no way Jackson doesn't know how much you love him and I fully believe he's coming back. He just needs to sort some things out."
Thank you, Addison" Mark smiled "I just wish he would let someone know that he's okay. That's the worst part, the wondering if he's not hurt in some ditch"
"Don't start thinking that" Addison commanded "no good comes from it"
"I know" Mark told her "it's just a lot easier said than done"
"This Lewis Avery?" Addison asked "I assume he's related to Jackson. Has he had any luck?"
At the mention of Lewis' name a look of contempt crossed Mark's face "Lewis is the reason Jackson is gone in the first place"
"Why?"
"Lewis and Jackson have always had an awful relationship and after Lewis blamed Jackson for the break-up of his engagement he's been on a mission to ruin his life." Mark's hands balled into fist "He came to Seattle and got together with Alex, tried to get it on with me and generally made Jackson's life hell."
Addison was stunned at the news "But they're brothers...how can they hate one another so much?"
"That's a question you need to ask Lewis. It'd best for my blood pressure if I don't see his face"
"I understand why you're angry, Mark, but don't let it be all you are"
Mark looked at her and seemed to take some deep breaths to calm down "I know you're right, Addison, but we know I've never been good at controlling my anger"
"That's what I'm here for" she smiled and as the two hugged once again Alex knocked on the door before walking in.
"Dr. Sloan" he said "Mrs. Potter wants to speak with you about some of her concerns"
"Okay" Mark sighed "you want to have dinner tonight?" he asked Addison "Help me control some of that anger?"
"It's a date" Addison said and walking out of the office she gave Alex a comforting pat on the shoulder.
It took her 5 minutes to get back to her office and the entire time she had been going over her conversation with Mark. He needed help and Addison wasn't going to waste time giving it. She knew the only way to help Mark was to help Jackson.
Picking up the phone she quickly dialled a number and waited for the other person to answer.
"Hey Addison" Amelia Shepherd said "how's Seattle treating you?"
"Good" she answered "could be better"
"What's the matter?"
"I need to ask if you're up to making a trip. I have someone I think could really use your help."
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark was really thankful for Alex' interruption and the included distraction. As much as he liked to talk to Addison - and he really, really did - he had spent half of the night talking about his feelings, doing it over and over again didn't make anything better. Of course Mark could have sent Addison away, or tell her to ask Callie, but it felt good to know that he had her support.
Still, it hurt quite a bit that even she knew before him what problems Jackson was having. That he really seemed to be the last person to find out about everything.
He walked beside Alex and stopped when they were in front of Mrs. Potter's room.
Alex was about to enter, when Mark touched his shoulder.
"Karev, wait!"
Turning around, Alex looked at him, and Mark could tell that he was nervous. Really nervous.
"I'm sorry that I dragged you into this... and that I demanded you to support me, but I..." Mark took a deep breath before he continued. "You're the only one I can trust with this..."
"Trust? Me?" Now it was surprise in Alex' face and Mark couldn't blame him.
"Unlike the others you at least tried to tell me that something's wrong... in your way... I just didn't understand it, and that's not your fault..." Mark said directly, causing Alex to shake his head.
"We... we all decided not to tell you, and it was hard for all of us, Doctor Sloan... Mostly for Doctor Robbins..." Alex said, and Mark immediately got what he was trying to do here.
"It's nice for you to defend her, but unlike you she lied straight to my face... not only about what was wrong with Jackson, but she also made me believe that Tyler probably is Jackson's new boyfriend instead of just telling me the truth... do you think, believing that Jackson has moved on was easier than to know what really was his problem?" Mark asked, leaning against the wall.
"I thought about this almost the whole night, Karev... but had I known that Jackson had a drug problem, I probably could have done something... and then I would have never doubted him... his love for me... us..."
He looked directly into Alex eyes.
"Have you any idea how much it hurt to think that our break-up that should have been only temporary could be permanent? It killed me from the inside..."
"I'm... I'm sorry..." Alex stammered, and Mark gave him a weak smile. A real one.
"I know... That's why I'm not mad at you at all... but you have to do something for me..." Mark gave back.
"Everything!" Alex hurriedly said, and it looked like Mark had just pulled a heavy weight off his shoulders.
"You have to tell me..." Mark replied.
"Tell you what?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Tell me everything... everything that happened... from the moment you found out till the moment Jackson disappeared... I need to know it... I need to know if I could have done something. Can you do that for me?" Mark's gaze met Alex' and he could tell that Alex didn't like the idea of it. That he didn't feel comfortable with bringing everything up again, but this was important to Mark and Alex seemed to notice.
"I can try, yes..." he responded, pointing to the patient's room. "But first we should take care of our patients, okay?"
A small smile appeared on Mark's lips. "Okay... thank you."
Together with Alex he entered Mrs. Potter's room and stopped in front of her bed, glad that - so far - his day had been better than he thought it would.
He had been pretty nervous about coming back earlier than he expected, but since everyone had been so nice to him, it was a lot easier, even though Mark hated the pity looks some of his colleagues and especially the nurses sent his way.
He would have been back in about a week anyways, so what difference did a couple of days made?
A huge for Mark, because Jackson wasn't there, but other than that it was okay. He just hoped he wouldn't run into Arizona or Lewis today because even though he promised Addison, he didn't know if he could control his anger in a case like that.
"Will you do the surgery, Doctor Sloan?" Mrs. Potter asked, once Mark was finished with informing her about the risks and everything she needed to know.
"Because I thought Doctor Avery would, but I haven't seen him today. Is he okay?"
Her mention of Jackson felt like a punch in the stomach and for a moment there, Mark couldn't breathe. The room seemed so small all of a sudden and it felt like the walls were closing in on him.
"I'm afraid Doctor Avery is not available at the moment. He's sick and it's gonna take a couple of days..." Alex stepped in, and Mark had never been so glad he chose Karev. Someone that knew what was going on inside of him.
"What a shame, he's so nice..." Mrs. Potter replied and Mark couldn't take it anymore all of a sudden.
"Would you please excuse me? I'm sure Doctor Karev can answer all your questions if there still are some..." Mark said, literally bursting out of the room and running to the staircase, where he moved down a few steps before he sank on one of them and leaned against the wall.
His whole body was shaking and breathing became more and more difficult with every second. And so did holding back his tears.
It wasn't Mrs. Potter's fault at all and Mark knew that, but being confronted with the facts hurt like a bitch and Mark just couldn't do anything about it.
He heard the door of the staircase and then he heard someone stepping down, felt someone sitting down next to him, but he didn't even bother to look. He squinted his eyes and just hoped whoever was there with him would vanish again and leave him alone.
"You okay?" he heard a familiar voice, and if he wasn't sitting against the wall, he would have moved at least ten feet backwards.
"Fuck off!" Mark huffed, moving closer to the wall and trying to get some space between him and the other person.
"I though you might need a friend..." Eli said, and Mark let out a bitter laugh.
"A friend you say?" he chuckled. "Yeah... yeah, I do need a friend, but I don't consider you one, so just get lost, okay? I don't wanna see any of you right now."
"I'm... I'm sorry..." Eli tried to say, but Mark cut him off.
"Yeah? Really? If I got a dollar by everyone who told me he was sorry in the past 24 hours I would be rich by now... you know what? Just save it for someone who actually wants to hear it, because I don't..." Mark replied, getting up and looking down at Eli.
"I thought you were my friend, but you're not better than the others, because you kept this thing from me, too… you... Arizona... Lewis... Tyler... I have no idea how I can ever trust any of you again..."
"We didn't keep it from you to hurt you... we kept it from you so you won't get hurt..." Eli defended himself, but Mark just shook his head.
"Whatever... I don't care why you did it; it doesn't make any difference... Jackson is gone and it's because all of you went behind his back. He had no one who was there for him... If I was him, I would have probably run off, too... and never come back..." Mark said. "He must have felt so alone, and it hurts that he didn't feel like he could talk to me... but that's on me... that's something I have to live with... that he didn't trust me enough to be honest and let me help him... but you... all of you... you just didn't think it was necessary to inform me that my boyfriend is destroying his life... that's not what I expect from a friend..."
He turned around, getting back up the stairs.
"I better not see you again for a while, or I don't know what I'm capable of..."
He didn't even wait for an answer and made it back up and into the hallway where he saw Karev just leaving Mrs. Potter's room.
"Karev!" he called him and Alex turned around immediately.
"Sorry for standing you up like this, it's just..."
"You don't have to apologize..." Alex replied understandingly. "It's okay, I understand..."
"Thank you..." Mark commented and he meant it. He was really glad he could rely on Alex.
"Wanna have some lunch together?"
He needed to talk to Alex. He needed to know everything, or it would drive him crazy. It already did, but he needed Alex to tell him the facts. Straight to his face, and he hoped, Alex would keep his promise and tell him what he knew. He would find out soon enough.
Alex Karev POV:
Alex hadn't expected an apology from Mark. Truth be told he didn't really think he deserved one. He had been just as guilty as everyone else when it came to keeping Jackson's problem a secret.
Worse even, Alex had been the very first one to know and thought that he was good enough to fix it himself.
Still, it felt nice that Mark was willing to give him a second chance. Willing to understand that Alex tried to do the right thing, but he was never good at doing the right thing.
When Mark had invited him to lunch Alex took it as a sign of progress. If he could forgive Alex then surely with time and a little persuasion he could forgive all of them. Mark just had to get through the pain and come out on the other side. Then he would see that their intentions were good.
Although Alex thought the two would eat in the cafeteria he didn't say anything once he and Mark got their food and headed back to Sloan's office.
Once inside, the two sat opposite one another and suddenly the nerves were back. He had been feeling them all morning and now being in the too small room with Mark again he suddenly felt like he had made a mistake by accepting Mark's offer of lunch.
"I need to know, Karev!"
Looking up at Mark he was confused "Need to know?"
"About Jackson" Mark told him "I need to know everything I missed"
A panic seized Alex "I-I don't think that would be a good idea"
Mark's face was determined and Alex knew that no amount of words were going to sway Mark.
"He's gone" Mark said "Jackson is gone and it's quite possible he's never coming back and I let it happen."
"Dr Slo-"
"He stood right in front of me desperate and alone and I tried to start an argument with him because I thought he was with someone else. I didn't get a chance to beg him to say or even say goodbye. I missed everything and now I need to know the Jackson you knew. The Jackson that was kept from me."
How could Alex deny him that? How could he not try and give Mark something, however small, that he had taken away?
It still didn't stop Alex from feeling like he was going to be sick.
"What happened, Alex?"
"He started using a couple of months ago-" Alex started before Mark cut him off.
"No, Alex" he said "I need details. Why do you think he started using? What made you first suspect it?"
"I don't know I-"
"Yes you do, Karev" Mark said with a steel tone "now tell me"
Looking down at his food Alex pushed it away and readied himself "After Jackson found out about Lewis and me he tried to get me to end things" he started "we argued and fought. He wanted to tell me about April's pregnancy but felt it was better for her to do so, but after he saw how serious me and Lewis were getting he gave me enough information about April for me to figure it out."
"Did you blame him for not telling you sooner?"
"Yes" Alex told him "but I understood why he didn't want to come out and say it himself"
"You've known Jackson for years, Karev." Mark said "Why wouldn't you believe him when he told you that Lewis was bad news?"
"I'm sorry Mark I-"
"I'm not blaming you for anything, Karev" Mark said gently "you didn't push the drugs into Jackson's hands. I just need to understand why he turned to them, but believe me nothing you've done is the reason for it and I know that."
Nodding his head Alex forced himself to calm down. He wanted to do this for Mark, but even if the man didn't blame Alex; Alex certainly blamed himself.
"I was in a bad place and Lewis was there" Alex said "it felt nice being with someone who didn't know who I was and didn't judge me for not being the kind of man who deserved someone like April"
"Why stay with him, though?" Mark asked "After you knew what he came here for?"
"He's a good guy" Alex told him "I know you don't believe that and I don't blame you, but he's changed in the few months he has been here. I've seen how much he cares for Jackson and you could never hate him as much as he hates himself"
"Try me!"
Alex felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He would never deny Mark his anger, but he was still talking about the person Alex loved.
"When did you first suspect Jackson of using?"
"Me and Lewis were at a bar" Alex said "me and Jackson's friendship was pretty much hanging by a thread at that point and he and Lewis were...not getting along. So when I saw Jackson walk in I thought maybe I could smooth things out"
"I'm taking it that didn't happen?" Mark asked and Alex shook his head no.
"He was with a guy by the name of Gary Stiles. One look in Jackson's eyes and I knew he had been using"
"Did you tell anyone?"
"No" Alex told him "I hadn't yet trusted Lewis enough to give him that information and I knew you and he already had enough problems of your own so I thought I could handle it myself"
"You were wrong!"
Another punch to the stomach and Alex wanted to stop. This all hurt too much.
"You two fought so much these past couple of months." Mark said "Why?"
"I have little self-control and Jackson has a knack for being particularly vicious with words."
"Jackson?" Mark said "No!"
"Yeah" Alex responded "it's actually pretty impressive when it wasn't sending me into a rage"
Mark gave a small laugh.
"Who is this Gary Stiles guy you mentioned earlier?"
"Some guy Jackson met at the club he started hanging out at"
"Club" Mark queried "what club?"
"It's called the Rooftop" Alex said "that's where I first caught Jackson using"
"We're going there tonight" Mark said bluntly.
"I can't" Alex felt panicked "I have dinner with Lewis and-"
"Tell him you'll be late" Mark said "I have dinner with Addison so I won't keep you all night, but this other life of Jackson's, I need to see it. Maybe if I do and he does come back I can tell him I tried to understand. That once I knew I did whatever I could to correct my failures"
"Okay" Alex told him defeated.
"I also want to meet this Gary Stiles and see how important he was, or is, to Jackson"
Alex caught himself before he spoke. He didn't have the heart to tell him that more than likely if Jackson was gone so was this Gary guy.
Still, he would take Mark to the club and show him all the things he was kept from.
"Now" Mark said "what happened when you caught Jackson?"
With a heavy inward sigh Alex continued. Ignoring the growing feeling of anxiety in his stomach.
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew that putting so much pressure on Alex - who had done nothing to him to deserve this - was plainly wrong, but Mark couldn't stop himself from doing it nevertheless. He just needed to know the whole truth. Everything. He needed to understand Jackson.
He could hear with every word Alex was saying, that the man was blaming himself too, though, and Mark really wanted to say something that made it better, but somehow he couldn't.
Because Part of him blamed Alex as well. Blamed Alex for not getting any help himself. Blamed Alex for just watching how Jackson was slowly destroying his life in front of him.
He didn't want to blame him, but he did, and he couldn't change his feelings. What he could do was not show them, in which he had always been really good. At least one thing he could thank his father for would he ever see him again: making him the cold, egoistic bastard he sometimes was.
"The club I told you about? I was there with Lewis..." Alex continued his story. "And when I saw Jackson vanishing into one of the backrooms, I followed him with a lame excuse. Such as going to the toilet..."
"What happened?" Mark asked, his gaze completely focused on Alex.
"I found him there with this Gary... about to make a deal obviously, and all of a sudden Lewis was standing behind me, asking what was going on and of course he could connect the dots... and he and Jackson got in a bad fight..." Alex explained.
"Why did you even take Lewis with you? Knowing that the brothers didn't get along very well, this wasn't your best idea now, was it?" Mark wanted to know.
Ashamed, Alex shook his head.
"No. But I guess I needed some kind of moral support... I didn't know what to expect and god, was I hoping I was wrong... but the fight between Lewis and Jackson wasn't even about the drugs... it was them being... them I guess..."
"Yeah... I get as much..." Mark nodded. "I mean, it was obvious since almost from the start that the two of them weren't typical brothers, but I thought I imagined things..."
"No you didn't... want me to continue?" Alex asked.
Immediately, Mark nodded again. "Yes, please."
"Of course I didn't tell Lewis about my suspicion... I didn't tell him that I thought Jackson was doing drugs, because I thought I can handle it alone... but then others got suspicious and found out... Eli was actually one of the first people who did..." Alex went on with his story. "And once Lewis and I were on the same page, Lewis also told me, that this is not the first time Jackson is having this..." Alex gestured with his hand. "...problem..."
Wide-eyed, Mark stared at him. "What?"
"Jackson has been using drugs before..." Alex replied willingly. "It's been a while and... back then it was Tyler who helped him out... who got him to stop... who even made him go to rehab..."
"And that's why you brought him here?" Mark asked, and slowly but surely everything started to make sense. He still didn't like what he was finding out, but he couldn't do anything right now. He wanted to know, and now he had to live with it.
"Yeah... I mean... I didn't even know Lewis called him, until he told me... but it all made sense. Especially considering the fact that Tyler and Jackson have quite a history... and seemed to have never really completely gotten over one another..." Alex said, and once more Mark's eyes widened.
"So Tyler was here to get back together with Jackson?" he blurted out, feeling a tight pain in his chest.
"No... I mean..." Alex stumbled, obviously lost for words. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't even have brought it up..."
"What are you talking about?" Mark demanded, focusing on Alex. "I wanna know..."
"You sure?" Alex asked, looking more than a little bit insecure, but after Mark nodded, he started talking again.
"You remember me and Jackson going to Miami for Job Interviews?"
"I remember... Jackson and I weren't really... talking at that time..." Mark said, and bringing back those memories really hurt, because that had been the time when he had completely and utterly messed up.
"Well... when we were in Miami our flights got delayed... that's why I couldn't make it back in time for the supposed surgery... and wasn't on that flight..." Alex bit his lower lip. The memories of the plane crash still haunted almost everyone, even the people who weren't even on that plane, because every single one of them had lost something or someone on the course of that crash in some ways.
"We went partying the first night and I saw Jackson talking to a guy... and the next morning when I woke up Jackson said guy was with him... they spent the night together... so I thought he was one of the reasons Jackson really wanted to go there... to reconnect with him..."
Mark felt a dull pain in his heart. "I understand..." he replied. "And maybe it would have been good if he had just left back then..."
"You wouldn't be alive today if he had..." Alex gave back.
"I know..." Mark commented. "But Jackson wouldn't be in this situation right now, and he probably would have moved on with his life and he most likely would be happy... and not having to go through what he's going through..."
"He loves you, Mark... Doctor Sloan!" Alex blurted out. "Do you really think he can be happy without you? Anywhere?"
"You just told me... if he had gone to Miami instead of taking care of me, he might have gotten back together with this Tyler guy, and he would be happy now..." Mark said, and even the thought of it hurt more than he dared to admit.
It wasn't a big deal for him that Jackson had slept with Tyler. He didn't care pretty much at all. It was when he and Jackson hadn't been together. It didn't mean anything to Mark. But the fact that he kept him from the life he could have lived just because he was there was painful.
"You don't know that," Alex disagreed. "And Jackson was already so in love with you back then... I don't think he could have really left you. Especially not knowing that you loved him, too. And who knows, maybe Michael and Lewis would have appeared there as well..."
"Michael...?" Mark asked. "I mean, I know there was something going on between Holt and Jackson... Hell, they slept together..."
"Yeah, but this was all... some kind of sick, twisted plan," Alex replied. "Michael is Lewis' best friend... and when Michael came here, it was to destroy Jackson's life... and once Lewis saw how bad it already was, it was too late... Jackson was already in too deep."
"So this is all Lewis' fault?" Mark bit his lower lip, trying to fight down his anger towards Jackson's brother. "Why couldn't he just leave him alone? Why couldn't he just let him be happy? How can someone hate his brother so much?"
"He... he was hurt and in pain..." Alex defended Lewis.
Mark let out a bitter laugh.
"Oh yeah, because that makes everything so much better... he drove him into taking drugs. Jackson must have been so desperate, and I was way too blind to see it myself..."
"Lewis had the opinion that Jackson had destroyed his life, and he wanted him to feel the same pain he felt when Jackson slept with Tyler... That's why he tried to hook up with you." Alex went on. "But he has changed... He has seen that what he was doing was wrong, and he tried to make it better..."
"By bringing in Tyler? Who happens to be the love of Lewis' life? You think his motives are completely selfless, huh?" Mark tilted his head, looking at Alex.
"You don't?"
Mark could tell he made Alex nervous by watching him bite his lower lip.
"Why else would Lewis bring Tyler to Seattle? He wanted him to get through to Jackson and to help him..." Alex went on.
Mark rolled his eyes. "You're even more naive that I thought, Karev."
"No! No I'm not!" Alex replied immediately. "Lewis and Tyler are over... he's there for Jackson..."
Mark shrugged. "If you say so..."
He didn't want to fight with Alex, but somehow he didn't buy the story of the nice and selfless brother who would do anything to help. Especially not after hearing what Lewis was capable of, and especially not considering the fact that Lewis once wanted to marry the guy he had brought to Seattle. That meant something, but Alex was already upset enough. Mark didn't want to go over the top.
"What else do you know?"
Alex Karev POV:
The day had been long for Alex and as he drove Mark to the club that Jackson had spent most of his time in recently Alex knew his night was shaping up to be even longer.
Alex had felt drained after rehashing every painful moment of Jackson's decline and his part in it, but Mark only seemed to want to know more and in greater detail. If it was possible for Alex to reach into his brain and rip out every memory he would have gladly done so and handed them over to Mark.
At least then Alex would be free of the guilt.
Once Alex pulled up and parked his car he saw the large crowd standing outside the Rooftop. It was late in the week and, as Alex was aware, the crowds only grew bigger the closer they got to the weekend.
"He came here?" Mark asked confused "It seems so...cliché."
"Exactly" Alex told him "a place where you know scoring drugs is a no-brainer"
Getting out of his car he smoothed down his black silk shirt and black dress pants, he hadn't forgotten that he needed to still look the part.
Mark always had a habit of dressing better than Alex so the man hadn't needed to change much when he was out of his scrubs.
Once the two got up to the same bouncer that was working the door the night Alex had come here with Lewis Alex saw the man smile at him.
He recognized Alex.
"A returned guest" the man smiled at Alex "and I see you keep the hit parade coming" he added as he gave a once over to Mark.
"It-It's not like that" Alex responded embarrassingly.
"Whatever you say chief" the guy said as he stepped aside to let the two men in "far be it for me to deny a man who's able to pull in such quality ass"
Alex could almost feel his cheeks reddened at the guy's words. Alex would have been more than happy to have the ground open up and swallow him whole at that moment.
Once they entered the club Mark bent down to talk in Alex's ear "What was that guy talking about?"
"It's not important" Alex yelled over the music.
"I told you Alex every detai-"
"He thinks I'm fucking you and he was congratulating me" Alex turned around annoyed.
"Oh!" Mark responded awkwardly.
"See, I told you it wasn't important"
"Right" Mark told him "so let's continue. What happened when you first came here?"
"I walked to the bar" Alex said "I didn't want Jackson to see me or Lewis and Lewis, at the time, didn't know why he was here so keeping them away from one another was for the best"
"Why'd you bring Lewis here in the first place?"
"People, who look like Lewis and Jackson, and you apparently, are an all-access pass. If I wanted to move anywhere beyond that long line outside I needed somebody that bouncer felt worthy of coming in"
"Lewis."
"Lewis!" Alex confirmed.
"Lewis was getting a drink at the bar, because I think he hates these kinds of places almost as much as you do and I saw Jackson disappear in that back room" Alex said as he pointed to the other end of the bar to the large grey door.
"Can I help you, gentlemen?" the bartender said as he walked up to the two men.
"No, we-" Alex started to say before Mark cut him off.
"Two bourbons" Mark told the man and once the man left to prepare their drinks Mark looked down at Alex "Was anyone with Jackson when he walked back to that room?"
"Gary" Alex told him.
"That'll be 15, guys" the bartender said and handing the money over Mark leaned in close so the man could hear him clearly.
"I'm looking for Stiles" Mark said "you haven't seen him around, have you?"
"Who's asking?"
"A man in need of his services" Mark told him "I know he hangs around that Jackson guy, but I haven't seen the two here in a couple days"
"Gary and Jack took off Monday night" the bartender said "not sure when they'll be back"
Alex could see Mark's eyes widen for just a moment and he felt awful for the guy. Jackson had come here after his talk with Mark and it was the last place he had been seen before vanishing.
To his credit Mark managed to keep his composure "You know where they went to?"
"Wherever it was it's not in Seattle. They were talking about catching a flight"
It had been exactly what Mark and Alex didn't want to hear. Jackson had left and if he was out of Seattle he could have gone anywhere.
"Thanks anyway" Mark said as he handed the guy a 50 dollar bill.
"No problem" the guy said as he pocketed the money and went on to the next customer.
"Let's go" Mark told Alex as he downed his drink in one smooth gulp and slammed the glass back on the counter.
"Go?" Alex asked and he tried to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.
"The backroom" Mark said "I assumed you followed Jackson there?"
With his hopes dashed Alex bowed his head "I'm tired, Mark, and I want to go home"
"And I want Jackson back, but we don't always get what we want, do we?" Mark responded angrily and roughly grabbing Alex's arm he yanked him towards the door's direction "now move your ass"
Reaching the back door Alex opened it to find it empty, which was surprising. With the crowd outside the man assumed that somebody would be using this room for something.
Apparently Gary and Jackson were preferred clientele.
"So, what happened?"
"The first thing I saw was Jackson putting some pills into his pocket and when he saw me he wasn't pleased" Alex said "then I told Gary about our talk earlier"
"Talk?"
"He had come into the pit that day when I and Jackson were working there and Jackson tried to get to him first, but I beat him"
"Gary was at the hospital?"
"Broken arm"
"So Jackson is friends with a drug dealer who comes into ER's with broken arms and still you didn't think it was important to clue me, the guy who was in with him, in?"
"Mark, I-"
"Save it" Mark said angrily "continue"
Alex felt like he was going to be sick. All this pressure was going to kill him he just knew it.
"Me and Jackson were arguing when Lewis appeared at the door" Alex said "apparently I wasn't as stealth as I thought I was"
"He knew about Jackson?"
"He had a pretty good idea" Alex said "and I guess following Jackson to that club confirmed it. They argued and Lewis made Jackson promise him to have a meeting with him the next day"
"Of course Jackson didn't agree" Mark responded.
"Lewis can be...persuasive"
"He threatened Jackson you mean"
"It was to help him" Alex said.
"It's funny how so much of Lewis' help tends to only hurt Jackson more"
"Lewis was doing a good thing" Alex said defensively "he was trying to be a good brother"
"A good brother" Mark laughed "Right, is that before or after he whored out Jackson to Holt?"
"Lewis had no part in that" Alex responded "he was furious and besides it was a drunken night, but Jackson decided to sleep with Holt so you can't put that all on Holt either"
"Look at you, Karev" Mark said "coming to the defenses of Michael Holt"
"I'm not!" Alex nearly shouted "but I'm not going to stand here and listen to you compare Lewis to some goddamn pimp"
"Wasn't he?" Mark asked calmly "you said yourself that Lewis sent Michael here to start this whole sickening revenge thing. Then Michael kept attacking Jackson to the point that Jackson grew to hate Holt and believe me I knew he hated Holt, then out of the blue the two go out to dinner and are fucking by that night? This doesn't all seem a bit too convenient to you?"
"What are you saying?" Alex spat as that nauseated feeling in his stomach grew.
"Jackson Avery has never been like me, Alex, hell he's never been like you" he told him. "He doesn't go around fucking any attractive piece of ass and less so ones that are attached to people he despise"
"But he did?" Alex responded weakly "he was drunk"
"Did he?" Mark asked again "Jackson told me he doesn't even remember it happening"
"Are you saying that Holt...forced Jackson to have sex with him?" Alex felt like the room was starting to spin "Holt is a dick, but do you really think he's capable of assaulting Jackson like that? He's not a monster!"
"I think a man who comes all the way to a city he doesn't know to help his best friend enact revenge on his little brother is capable of anything" Mark told him "and I think he'd do anything to make sure that best friend is happy"
"No" Alex said as he shook his head violently back and forth "I would have known"
"Jackson didn't have anyone by the time the thing with Holt happened" Mark said "he certainly wouldn't trust someone like you to believe him if he told you that Holt may have had sex with him without his permission."
Alex wasn't going to cry. A part of him believed that was what Mark wanted. That he was forcing Alex to go through all this pain and doubt and guilt because Mark needed someone to feel just as bad as he did.
Still, Alex could feel the first few tears water his eyes.
"Let's go home" Mark said "I don't want to keep Addison waiting and I'm sure Lewis is missing you"
"Okay" Alex told him and walking out behind Mark Alex couldn't find the strength to even hold his head up high. Not that Alex had any reason to do so anyway.
Mark Sloan POV:
Mark knew he had probably gone too far when he saw the tears in Alex' eyes, but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't help himself. Hearing all this, imagining it, killed him from the inside, but at least he wasn't alone in this. At least he had someone he could pull down with him, even though he knew it wasn't fair.
Still, a big part of him blamed Alex for not coming to him in the first place. For turning to people who couldn't do anything at all. He might have been able to help Jackson, but now he would never know.
Thinking that Holt might have forced himself on Jackson made Mark sick to his stomach and he started asking himself why he didn't think about this earlier. Why he was so stupid when he found out and never even thought about the possibility that this had not happened with Jackson's consent.
When Alex and him arrived at his car and Alex was about to get in, Mark spoke up.
"Karev... wait..." he said, looking at him. His eyes were still full of tears and he looked pretty desperate. Mark's former self wouldn't have cared at all, hell, he might have even mocked him with it, but right now he couldn't, because he saw Alex was hurting.
"I'm sorry..." he finally said when Alex looked at him.
"For what?" Alex asked, seeming slightly surprised.
"For... for putting this all on you... Especially the thing with Holt..." Mark replied.
Alex looked at him seriously. "You really think Holt could have done something like that? I mean..." He leaned against the car, putting his hands on the roof. "I hate the guy... I really can't stand him, but accusing him of something like that is pretty serious..."
"I know..." Mark said. "But it's the only explanation. The only that really makes sense..."
He turned around and leaned against his car with his back. "And if that's true, it's on me, too, because I should have known something's fishy when I found out about it..."
He buried his hands in his pants pockets and looked into the sky.
"I... I should have questioned Jackson's motives and everything... I should have just known that Jackson wouldn't do that... and that Holt made him drunk enough to have his way with him..."
He turned around and looked at Alex. "You think he's going to do the same to Meredith?"
"What?" Alex stared at him in shock. "Why do you bring up Meredith now?"
"Because Derek thinks she has a crush on Holt... And if that's true he... he might just do the same to her..." Mark gave back.
Alex let out a sigh. "Listen to yourself, Sloan... if she really has a crush on him, I don't think there is anything she wouldn't do to get him... you know how persistent Meredith can be sometimes... especially if she wants something or someone..."
"Yeah..." Mark agreed, looking down at his feet. It wasn't fair of him to drag Meredith in the conversation without her being able to defend herself, but he needed some kind of distraction. At least he would see Addison soon, and then they could talk.
"Let's get in the car. I'm sure Lewis is waiting for you..." Mark said and when Alex obliged, he took his seat in the driver's seat and turned on the engine, before reversing out of the parking space and making his way to the apartment building in which Alex lived with Lewis now.
He had picked up Alex here before they went to the club, so he remembered the address.
When Mark was turning off the engine and Alex was about to get out of the car, Mark once more called out his name to hold him back, seeing Alex twitch.
"You think you can find out if Holt would be capable of... doing what we think he did?"
"How do you think I should do that?" Alex asked irritated. "I doubt he's willing to talk to me, let alone admit to something like that..."
"I'm not talking about Holt..." Mark gave back and in that moment Alex seemed to understand.
"Lewis..." he said slowly, and Mark nodded.
"You want me to ask Lewis if Michael would be capable of raping someone? Mark, Michael used to be his best friend... I doubt - even if he was - Lewis would ever think he could..." Alex replied. "It's like as if I asked you if Derek could do something like that."
"Oh come on... Derek's a good guy..." Mark commented, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah... and in Lewis' eyes - despite what Michael has done - he might still see the good guy, too. They know each other since med school and I have a feeling Lewis would still protect him..." Alex said, and Mark had to admit: he might have a point there.
"Okay..." Mark replied for that reason, leaning back in his seat. "I thought I could rely on you, but obviously not..."
"Don't you think that's a little bit unfair now?" Alex complained, and there was pain in his eyes. "I would do a lot to make this up to you but this... you can't make me do this..."
"I understand... now get out of my car... I see you tomorrow morning..." Mark answered coldly, and he was really glad when Alex finally obliged and made his way towards the apartment building.
He didn't waste any time and drove home immediately, making his way to his own apartment.
He had felt sick the whole way home, ever since they left the club and when he finally entered his apartment, he made his way to the bathroom immediately and threw up. He hadn't even had the time to close the door or anything like that, because all of a sudden it was too much. Way too much.
He didn't even want to imagine Jackson desperately trying to fight off Holt, but not being able to, because he was too drunk, but the pictures were flooding his mind nevertheless, and every single one of it felt like a thousand stitches to his heart. He tried to fight back his feelings, but at some point he just couldn't anymore and gave in to the tears that were making their way out of his eyes and down his cheeks.
He was a bad boyfriend. He should have known. He shouldn't have just assumed the sex between Holt and Jackson was voluntary, but he had failed Jackson. Again.
Of course Jackson didn't want to be with him any longer, of course he had to vanish. Over and Over again Mark asked himself if he could have done something, anything, but he probably would never get an answer to this.
He grabbed his mobile phone out of his pocket and dialled Jackson's number. He didn't expect Jackson to pick up the phone, and he was right, he didn't. Still Mark needed to leave a message, or it would kill him from the inside.
"Jackson, it's me... Mark..." he started talking, hoping the tears wouldn't be hear-able all too much. "I know I've already left you a couple of messages, and I understand why you don't call me back, because I... I failed you... I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped you, but not knowing where you are... and if you ever come back kills me..." A sob left his lips. "Please... if you don't call me, call someone... anyone... I just need to know that you're alive... that you're okay... that you're not laying somewhere in the gutter dying of an overdose. I love you... Bye..."
He ended the call and his hand sank down on the floor weakly. He was leaning against the cold, tiled wall and feeling like all his power had drained his body. He didn't want to be this weak, but the pain in his heart was almost unbearable.
"Mark!" he heard a familiar, female voice call out on him and only a mere seconds later he felt a touch to his cheek and his head turned around to look at Addison.
"My god, what happened?" she asked and the concern was visible on her face.
"Nothing, I... I just... I can't..." he stammered, leaning against Addison's chest and starting to cry even harder than before. "What if he's never coming back?" he managed to get out. "What if it's my fault because he didn't feel like he could trust me?"
He felt Addison's arms around him and took a few deep breathes.
He hated to be this person. No surprise everyone treated him like a weak kid who couldn't take the truth, because right now he felt exactly like this and he just couldn't do anything about it. He hated it, and for Addison to see him like that made it all so much worse, but at least it was her and not one of the others like Alex, Arizona or Eli. At least he was able to compose himself in front of Alex, because if he had seen him like that, he might have thought that they were all right for not telling him when they weren't. He knew he could have done something if he knew, but feeling so helpless right now was what really hurt the most. And he blamed himself for it, too. Not only the others.
He should have known.
