The raindrops sprinkled against the roof of Karen's Café. The pregnant owner, tired and troubled, glanced out the window at the dreary clouds. The darkness and dullness of the weather seemed to perfectly capture the ill mood that had engulfed their small community as of late. She was worried but she was a mom and after all, that's what they did. But it was more than that. It was concern for the distraught friend who had just left her place of business. It was concern for his daughter, the one they had all helped to put away for her own good. And it was concern for her son, the good son she had sacrificed everything to raise, the good son who was now sacrificing everything for the one he loved. She closed her eyes as a chill swept over the nearly empty café. How Karen wished her boy was safe, safe from the storm brewing outside, safe from the storm brewing in his heart. She wished he was right there with her and a few seconds later when she opened her eyes, there he was entering through the door soaking wet.
"Lucas…"
She immediately greeted him with warm, dry towels.
"Thanks, Mom," he bent down and gave her a quick kiss.
She studied him with her eyes. He didn't look right.
"Are you okay? It's beginning to pour. You'll catch pneumonia for sure out in weather like that."
He shrugged.
"It's just a little rain, Mom," he quietly tried to assure her.
Her hands traced the tearstains underneath his weary blue eyes.
"Is it?"
Lucas sighed, taking a seat at the counter.
"When I was little and something happened and I would cry, you would always take me in your arms. You'd hold me and ask what was wrong and no matter what it was, you'd talk me through it and kiss me and tell me everything was gonna be alright."
Karen smiled at the fond memory. She took his hand in hers and rubbed it.
"What's the matter?"
"I just went to see Peyton."
"Peyton?" Karen's eyes widened. "Lucas, why didn't you tell me? What happened? Did you talk? Is she okay? Was…"
"She refused to see me," he shook his head. "I got no further than the front door."
"I'm sorry…"
"I guess I should have expected it. The same thing happened when Haley and Brooke tried to visit her a few days ago."
"Larry as well," Karen added. "You just missed him."
"She hates me. She hates all of us."
"Peyton hates herself. She is a very sweet girl trying to battle a whole lot of demons. It was all too much and it finally caught up with her. She needs help, real help and she is in the best place that can give it to her."
"My head knows that. I just wish someone would try explaining it to my heart."
"Peyton is a strong girl. She's going to get better and once she does, she'll realize we all were just looking out for her best interests. She will forgive everyone, including you."
"I hope so," he whispered.
He was worn and devastated.
"It breaks my heart to see you like this, son."
He was a strong boy but through the years, every once in a while, he hadn't been afraid to cry. Whether it was loneliness, a spat with Haley, a physical injury or the pain of an absentee Dan, the young mother had always been there for comfort.
"Mom…"
"Lucas, I know how much you love Peyton, how much you've always loved her. I understand that. I respect it. She does love you but she's just in a lot of pain right now. We don't know how long it will take to fix this. You can still love her and support her but you have a life to live too, you know."
"It's funny, that's what everyone said when she was missing."
"Honey…"
"I have to go on even though she's gone. I have to do that for the second time. I get that. "
"I know it hurts. I know that upsets you but you're gonna be okay."
"Mom, I am sorry but I am not okay. Alright? I am anything but okay and it kills me to sit here and pretend I am in front of everybody. It hurts. I was close, so close."
"You mean almost seeing her today?"
"That too. It's everything. It's the story of our lives practically. Today I was close, just a few feet away from seeing her, holding her in my arms. Before when that psycho kidnapped her, how many times was I just a fingertip away from rescuing her and didn't even realize it? And all that time, all those years wasted loving her from afar…how close were we then?"
"You'll get your chance one day."
"Will I? Will we? Because sometimes I don't know."
"Maybe you should try to get your mind off of it."
"How Mom?"
"I don't know. What about your friends? Call Nathan and Haley or Skills or Brooke. Maybe you all could do something later. You're all pretty much in this together. I'm sure you'd feel much better."
His mother did have a point and he knew she was only trying to help but it was much easier said than done.
"She'll still be there, Mom. Peyton lives in here and in here," he pointed to his head and heart. "I deal with the pain of losing her wherever I go, wherever I am."
Why couldn't she just understand that? The pain, the frustration, the anger couldn't be flipped on and off like a light switch. He loved Peyton. He missed Peyton. He worried about Peyton. She was the love of his life and going through a very difficult time. He wanted nothing more than to see her, help her, protect her. He had acted out of love and sheer desperation doing only what they thought was right. But it had backfired and her fury was showing no signs of relinquishing in the near future. Now he was stuck with the worst feeling in the world…regret. He had failed and it was a terrible thing to live with.
"I know. I, I'm sorry. I just want to help. I…"
It was no use on taking out his exasperation on the one person that had always been in his corner.
"I know, Mom. It's okay. I'm the one that should be apologizing. I know you're just trying to help and I really appreciate that."
"It might not seem like it today, but one day this…all this is going to be okay."
He forced a small smile.
"I hope so."
He turned to leave but she stopped him.
"I'm proud of you, Lucas?"
"Why?"
"Because of the man you have become and because you're my son. I love you. You're a wonderful young man."
"Thanks…"
That's what moms were for, to always say the right things at just the right times.
"You did everything you could, you know."
"If I could do it over, I would."
"What would you do?"
Lucas thought long and hard.
"That night at the River Court, that first night when Nathan challenged me and I beat him for a spot on the Ravens, afterwards Peyton and I were there and it felt like we were the only two people in the world. I looked right in her eyes and I said, 'I'll be seeing you'. That's all I said. If I had one more go at it, I would have taken her in my arms and told her how I really felt, all those unspoken words in my heart. That's what hurts the most, Mom, when you're that close that many times. I had so much I wanted to tell her and she walked away just like today I had so much I wanted to say. It's hard never knowing what could have been."
"You and Peyton will have your chance. One day she'll realize that no matter what happened, you loved her, that you were always loving her."
Lucas nodded.
"Thanks, Mom. Look, if you don't need any help around here or anything, I'm just gonna head home and take a shower, maybe lie down. I'll probably hook up with Nate and Skills and everybody later like you said. That was a good idea."
"I'm fine. Get some rest and I'll see you later."
"Thanks, Mom," he kissed her.
He went to pull away but she wouldn't let him. Nestled in her arms was a full grown man but in her heart he would always be her baby.
"I love you, Lucas. No matter what happens, everything is going to be alright."
