Disclaimer: Own nothing, no profit.

Well, there's been some good angst floating around I thought I'd spice it up a bit. This one is kind of long but there was no way to shorten, so here's a bit of a funny chapter and I hope you love it!

Thanks so much for the continued support-please continue to read, review, and enjoy!


Me & Mr. Jones-Amy Winehouse

Nobody stands in between me and my man,
'Cos it's me and Mr Jones.
What kind of fuckery are we? Nowadays you don't mean dick to me.
I might let you make it up to me, who's playing saturday?


When River Song arrives on an isolated island destination, what she witnesses is largely unexpected.

The Doctor's here (well of course he is, he's the one who sent her the coordinates, isn't he?) along with some new-to-her companion and a group of three stragglers following closely behind. He's ranting about something (isn't he always?) and one of his listeners is looking incredibly cross, brow furrowed and arms folded. The irritated one has the straightest stature and she's fairly sure he's the threesome's leader, most likely feeling undermined by the Doctor's inevitable authority. Besides, he keeps shifting his gaze to land on the young, pretty friend of the Doctor's who can't help but stare at the time lord with stars in her eyes.

River's seen that look before and knows it well.

She calls out his name from her place above them on the hill and he halts, surprised. It occurs to her that this Doctor is probably not the one who sent her these coordinates, and she sighs and brightens up all at once. If nothing else, it's time for an adventure!

She perks up and strides gallantly down to meet them on the path, arms at her side and gun on her waist. She notices his hair is longer than usual, unkempt, and the fringe is falling downwards into his face despite the hair gel he uses so excessively. The smile won't leave her face as she greets him with a single gunshot to the air, granting the once-ignorant people the knowledge of her presence.

The four people with the Doctor turn in surprise but he barely jumps; he is used to her entrances by now. He is smiling broadly back at her, his ambivalence having melted away, and River feels a little thrill shoot through her at his companion's disheartened smile.

"Hello, sweetie," she calls.

He waits until she is a yard or so away before replying, flattening the lapels of his jacket. "Hello, River."

She whips her book out from the knapsack on her waist which causes four out of five mouths to drop open, the large book encased in the impossibly tiny bag. She lifts it up and holds it like a Bible, her grasp firm but impossibly gentle. "Where are we for you?"

He nods, motioning to her hair, currently the color of fading autumn leaves. "Last time I saw you your hair was newly ginger. Plus, there was that whole Zygon encounter." he pauses. "The second one, I think."

She laughs, brushing her hair from her eyes. "Good. It's nice to meet up now and then with a more...experienced you."

He blushes unmistakably but a shadow quickly crosses into his eyes. "You're that far down the line, then?"

The shadow that passed through his now covers hers, but only for a second. She is about to reply before she is boldly interrupted by the stout, red-faced man standing to the Doctor's left. "Who the bloody hell are you?"

The Doctor's friend has suddenly found her voice again as well, and tugs on the Doctor's jacket as she turns to River. "Doctor, you said there was no way to get off this island...how did she get on?"

River cocks her head at the Doctor with a quizzical glimmer in her eye. "I'm River Song, nice to meet you all. And what's this all about, my love? Having some transport issues?" She darts her eyes around, scoping for the big blue box. "Where's the wife?"

The large, brown eyes nearly bulge out of the young girl's head, stuttering madly to herself. "W-w-wife?"

The Doctor shrugs it off with a wave of his hand. "She means the TARDIS. And, well, it's quite possible the TARDIS has reacted to a temporal crack that splits the island in half, figuratively of course, and has flown off on auto-pilot into the vortex."

River clicks her tongue, shaking her head. "You know how she hates auto-pilot. She'll give you hell tomorrow."

"Excuse me, can someone please explain what the ruddy hell is going on here?"

The Doctor seems to suddenly remember there are other people there and he glances down at River's wrist with a smile, turning back to his group of followers. "Right, yes, of course. Like she said, this is River Song, weren't you listening? Here to help, I should think." he pauses again, narrowing his eyes towards her. "You are going to help us, aren't you?"

She yawns, glancing at her vortex manipulator in an attempt to mistake it for a watch. "I have a very busy day, sweetie. To just call me up for a quick rescue is so unlike you, anyways. We're having quite the role reversal, aren't we?"

He grins a little, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "That's not really what I asked."

"Ask something else, then."

After a prolonged period of not saying anything, the young girl pipes up and stands defensively between River and the Doctor. River has to work hard to keep an amused smirk off her face, arching her eyebrows back at her.

The girl sticks her hand out completely straight and a bit hostile, motioning for a shake. River just nods, a small smile on her lips, and the girl uncomfortably withdraws her hand. "I'm Annie."

"Hello, Annie. I gather you're a friend of the Doctor's?" her voice is too sweet, dripping with mock-friendliness.

The Doctor waves a dismissive hand towards River, stepping up to stand beside Annie. "Play nice, River."

She lets out a throaty chuckle, catching his eye in the process. "Make me."

The skinny, brown-haired girl is staring at River's waist, eyeing her gun with a sort of terrified reverence. "Why've you got a gun?"

"For shooting people."

The curt, direct response is coated with harshness and River feels an apology make its way to her throat, so she smiles kindly at the girl before shoving the words back down.

"Not while I'm around," the Doctor chides. "There will be no gun-using-shooting-things when you're with me. Besides, you and that gun, you're attached at the hip." He smiles at his own joke.

"Jealous, my love?"

His eyes are hooded with something indescribable, just for a moment, and no one notices but River and Annie. River grins in something that resembles triumph as the girl looks on, aghast.

He continues on as if nothing has happened, walking over to River and sonicing her wrist. "So. You, us, vortex manipulator, TARDIS? Oh, did I mention the island will blow in about, say, three and a half minutes?"

She laughs before lifting her wrist to her chest, dialing on buttons, winking, and disappearing. The Doctor and the accompanying group stand, stunned. Speechless irritation and terror ripples throughout the crowd until the wheezing sound of the TARDIS appears from a couple of inches away from them; the door swings open and River has a hand on her hip, smirk on her lips, and an all-knowing look on her face.

"Didn't think I'd left, did you? Have a little faith."

The Doctor walks over to the doors, leaning his weight on the frame. "My bad, bad girl; you're awfully clever." He makes way to enter the TARDIS but is stopped by River's hand on his chest, holding him back.

"Ah ah ah," she chastises. "Not so easy."

The angry-faced man in the back of the group huffs in frustration, gesturing madly. "She's nabbed us a box. Great. We're about to be blown to pieces and she wants us to cramp inside a bloody box like a can of goddamned sardines."

River is about to reply before Annie whips around, disgust in her eyes. "For your information, you ignorant excuse of a man, this is a spaceship. Haven't you ever seen one before?"

The man stutters a "no," surprised at the girl's feistiness. She nods firmly, pointing at the box. "It's bigger on the inside. All the rage, now, aren't they? Or what planet are you from?"

He mumbles an incoherent jumble of words and River laughs, grinning at the Doctor. "Oh, I like her."

Now it's River's turn and Annie whips back around, staring her down. "As for you, I don't know who the hell you think you are but this island is less than two minutes away from blowing up and I'd really love to get on that ship right about now. And the only thing standing in my way, it seems, is you. Now, I've seen things you wouldn't even imagine: stars exploding, armies of aliens just running away, the most brilliant, beautiful things. I'm really not someone you want to mess with."

River's smirk has been replaced by an amused, impassive expression and she yawns. Holding up a finger to motion for "one minute," she finishes and returns back to face the girl.

"Oh, darling. You have no idea." The words are not spat out, but are soaked in seriousness and heavy with condescension. She taps the Doctor on the shoulder, who is now standing incredibly awkwardly in the doorway, squeezing himself up against the frame as if it could shield him from the women's gazes. He jerks acutely to her touch, moving to face her.

"Yes?"

"Pretty boy, in you go," she breathes out.

He lets out a grateful sigh and heads straight up to the console, dialing in coordinates. River motions for the rest of them to join him, and they file in one-by-one with Annie the last to enter. River stops her with a hand in the air, leans forward, and whispers something in the girl's ear.

She turns white as a ghost and nods mutely, walking slowly back into the TARDIS. River smiles happily and closes the door behind her, strolling up to stand next to the Doctor.

"All set, my love. Shall we?"

He gives her a sly, chiding look before pulling the lever and sending them off into the vortex.

Once the three passengers have been returned safe and sound to their homes and families, the Doctor, River, and Annie make their way slowly back to the TARDIS. Annie has grappled for and is clenching the Doctor's hand as they walk, the Doctor chatting happily and gesticulating with the other. The brown-haired girl laughs in all the right places, smiling up at him like he's the most brilliant thing she's ever seen. In all likeliness, he is.

River walks on the other side of him, arms hanging remotely by her side. She is content to just be next to him, the physical closeness creating a warm sense of an emotional one.

She opens the TARDIS doors with a snap of her fingers and looks back, just for a moment, as she enters through the doors. She catches Annie's confused, begrudging expression and the Doctor's proud one. He is beaming as she walks up to the console and sets up the scanner, properly piloting the old girl the way she wants to be piloted.

"Doctor, why can she fly the TARDIS?" Annie whispers, but not quiet enough for River not to hear.

The Doctor lets go of her hand to stand beside River, his body leaning against the console and facing outwards. "It's complicated," he says.

"And Doctor...or rather, River," she pauses. "Who are you?"

River laughs, surprised, and gives the Doctor a covetous smile before turning to answer the doe-eyed girl. "I already told you: River Song. Oh, well, I suppose I'm Doctor River Song if you want to be all proper about it. So Doctor Song, but River will do."

"That's an odd name." Her nose is crinkled in a mix of disbelief and distaste.

River eyes her carefully, pressing a particularly complex-looking button as does. "You think? Picked it out myself. But that's another story; a long, long story. I don't know, what do you think, Doctor?"

He strikes his head to attention, jerking to face her. "Now, River."

She keeps an innocent look on her face, eyes wide with mock-unworldliness. "I just want to know if you like my name."

Annie folds her arms over her chest, tapping her foot. It's easy to see she is not amused, and River enjoys it. Annie's pout is impressive, though, she'll give her that.

"I think it's a lovely name."

She flashes him a smile. "Oh I know you do."

Annie huffs in frustration and walks up to where the pair is standing, moving to position herself in front of the Doctor. "Still, doesn't tell me who you are. I know your name, fine. But who are you?"

River smiles softly, now not condescending at all. This girl is just that-a girl, and her maternal instincts are overriding her semi-jealous ones. She wants to scoop her into a hug and take her under her wing, but instead she turns to the Doctor and looks to him for an escape. He coughs, then straightens up.

"Annie, could you do me a favor?"

Annie takes one long, lasting look at River before glancing at the Doctor. "Yeah?"

"Could you grab me and River a cup of tea? Do make one for yourself, too, Annie. Now that River's here for a visit, we might as well all have a nice chat. I'm sure River will answer any of your questions then."

The girl huffs again but her eyes glisten at the way he says her name, and she nods before swiveling on the spot and dashing off to the kitchen. Once she's gone, the Doctor wags a scolding finger at River.

"There's no need to be mean," he says.

She scoffs, lightly offended. "That's a bit rich, coming from you. You really shouldn't lead her on like that."

He stares at her, vexed. "I have absolutely no idea what you mean."

She rolls her eyes and glares until she realizes he's being serious, then gently places a hand on his shoulder. "The girl is head over heels for you, my love."

His mouth drops opens in shock and he shakes his head excessively. "Annie? No no no, you've the wrong idea. We're friends! I travel, she travels with me. In love with me? That's ridiculous. I scorn the notion."

"You're clueless," she sighs. She steps in front of him and wraps her hands behind his neck, toying with the curls from the nape of his hairline. The Doctor places his hands on her waist and scoots her closer to him, holding her tight. "I'm telling you, though, she's mad for you."

"I think you're just jealous," he mumbles.

She arches a brow at him, defensive. "Do you, now?"

He gulps sheepishly and presses a kiss to her neck, trying to save himself from digging any deeper. "You don't need to be, I'm not interested."

River laughs, throwing her head back and giving him her widest smile. "I'm not, and I know. You never could resist me."

He presses another kiss higher up on her neck, nearing the underside of her jaw. "It's not my fault you're so incredibly sexy." She laughs again, but this time they both feel the tremor shoot straight down to their cores, urgency replacing witty remarks.

"You charmer." she breathes out the accusation, his hands moving to play with the hem of her blouse. She tightens her hold on his neck and draws his lips to hers for one long, slow kiss.

He grins. "I know you are but what am I?"

She swats him lightly and kisses him again, and then his jacket is sliding to the floor and his bow-tie is loose. Her blouse is unbuttoned and her gun-belt pushed down over her jodhpur, encircling her feet on the floor. She presses him against the console before he grips her waist and flips them, now in the dominant position.

They continue to deepen the kiss until they hear a loud throat clear from one of entranceways. River breaks the kiss and looks indifferently over at Annie, standing with two TARDIS blue mugs and a hurt, perplexed expression on her face.

"I-I'm sorry," she stammers. "I didn't mean to...I didn't know..."

River nonchalantly lets go of the Doctor's hair to straighten her shirt, buttoning it carefully up to the top. "No, no, don't worry. You were promised tea, after all."

The Doctor is blushing madly and scratching his chin, unaware that he is still pinning River to the console. River coughs, motion to his hands, and he drops his hands from her waist and steps back.

His hair is roughly fluffed, lips smeared with red, the beginnings of a hickey on his lower jaw, and his shirt is awfully disheveled. She has a proud moment of 'I did that' before bending down to pick up her belt and his bow-tie, handing it over to him.

"I don't understand," Annie says.

The Doctor is at a loss for words so River fills in, sighing. "The Doctor and I...well, we're sort of together."

"But...but I thought," she trails off. "I thought we..."

He looks properly ashamed and rightfully so, she thinks. "I know he can be rather confusing, our Doctor. He's the most impossible man I've ever met."

He shoots her a defensive look, and his pout is the most adorable thing that it takes all of her energy to hold herself back from kissing him again.

"And Annie, I'm sorry you got the wrong impression. But here's the thing: the Doctor's mine." She doesn't mean to be quite so possessive and doesn't know why she is, but the straightening of the Doctor's back lets her know he likes it. His body chemistry changes and she can smell it, and she represses a grin resulting from her talented ability to turn him on.

"I see," she says sadly. "I'll just, I'll meet you in the kitchen."

She turns and walks out of the room, mugs still steaming in hand. River turns to the Doctor and shakes her head.

"See? I told you."

He rubs a hand through his hair, trying to make it look presentable. "How could I not notice that?"

"You're thick, my love."

"Is that so?" he mumbles contentedly, pulling River towards him. "You would know, wouldn't you?"

River's mouth drops open and she chokes on a laugh, eyes wide. "Doctor! I'm sensing eagerness."

"You make me hungry," he whispers into her neck.

"Well," she gasps out. "We can be a few minutes late to tea."