-48-

Sunday, November 17, 2014

10:15 p.m.

Alex reached the bedroom and turned to await Madeline-she didn't make a move without being told. This part felt like a formality to her, really. Up to this point, everything had been predictable between them, especially since Alex had been staying here for the past several nights.

Madeline had something else in mind for tonight, though. She had lulled Alex into a false sense of security. When Alex had shown up after having been kicked out of her house, Madeline had been comforting and kind. The repetitive scenes, the relatively gentle treatment she was affording Alex-that had now come to an end. This evening, Madeline was determined to up the ante.

She wasted no time in getting Alex naked and onto the bed, but instead of following her usual practice of administering a flogging, she had Alex lie on her back. She cuffed her to the bed, arms first, and then legs. She got out a cat o' nine and began whipping Alex's thighs with light strokes, careful not to let the tails stray onto more sensitive skin. Alex was surprised by the slight change, but not alarmed.

Then, something in the room changed. Something in Madeline changed. Instead of praising her for absorbing the blows, Madeline began to degrade her. She said awful things, calling Alex a slut and a whore, forcing her to repeat the words herself. When Madeline had begun humiliating her before, she had lost all interest in their games. But it's not a game for her, is it, Alex? She means the things she's saying.

Alex had a safe word; it was on the tip of her tongue, but she was afraid to use it. She had no idea why. In the space of five minutes, she remembered what had gone so wrong between them. She'd tried so very hard to forget it, to put it completely out of her mind, but it all came rushing back now. This was the shame she'd carried for years, not physical scars, but emotional ones. This was why she'd been so angry at Madeline, and why she'd never told anyone what had happened.

Human sexuality was a fascinating and varied thing; she knew that humiliation was something that people enjoyed, and would never judge that. To each his own. She hated it, though, and she'd made that known to Madeline, but it hadn't stopped. It took Alex a long time to see it for what it was, and even when she did, she still felt somehow responsible, as if she'd brought it on herself. Someone in her line of work should know better. Ironically, it was the degradation she'd been subjected to that had finally allowed her to regain her strength.

The pain of the words combined with the emotional reaction it created in her made it impossible for her to let go and enjoy anything that was happening. Alex was fighting tears-she wouldn't give Madeline the satisfaction of seeing her cry, so she tried instead to break her concentration, take her out of the scene.

"Madeline."

"Shut up," came the fast reply.

"Please."

"That's not your safe word, you stupid bitch," she said. Seeing Alex open her mouth, she continued, "Be careful about using it. I won't hurt you, but I can't promise I won't harm your wife."

All bets were off. Madeline had made it very clear that she was prepared to do damage, and it was up to Alex if she'd do that damage here and now, to Alex's psyche, or later, to Olivia. When Madeline began to stroke Alex's clit with her fingers while she insulted her and disparaged her body, Alex was horrified to find that she was responding to the stimulation even while she reeled from the verbal abuse. She was so keyed up, so furious, so aroused from the lead-up-the cuffs, the flogger-that she came fast and hard, that damn safe word still unspoken, now bitter and caustic in her mouth.

Madeline uncuffed her quickly and Alex got up from the bed without asking for permission or waiting to see what was next. She had no interest in anything else Madeline could possibly want.

"Where do you think you're going, darling?"

"Away from you," Alex said. "Anywhere, as long as it's away from you." She couldn't believe she'd ever tolerated this before-even one incident was too much now.

"I must admit, I don't understand your reaction, Alexandra. This is nothing that we haven't enjoyed before."

"Enjoyed? You can't seriously believe that I would enjoy that?"

"Oh, I believe that you would, because I know that you have. You did tonight, and you will again."

"I won't. You won't ever touch me again."

"That's very amusing, my dear. Full of ill-advised bravado, mind you, but amusing nonetheless."

"I'm not joking, Madeline. Go to hell. This isn't happening. Never again."

Madeline's disingenuous concern and feigned politeness were suddenly gone, and her face changed abruptly, darkened as if a curtain had been drawn over her. "Don't be ridiculous. You don't decide what will happen; I do. You don't even know what you need, do you?"

"I know exactly what I need, and it isn't you."

"You are a stupid girl, Alexandra. A lying, manipulative whore who's led around by her cunt rather than her brain. You can sit here all night long and tell me you don't want what I give you, but your body doesn't lie to me like you do. You came so hard for me. Fighting it makes it so much better, doesn't it? You'd forgotten how good that could feel."

"What I'd forgotten is how badly you treated me," Alex said. "How worthless you made me feel."

"You need that, darling. You are a woman who needs to be taken down a notch, to be reminded that I can control you far better than you could ever control yourself. And don't even try to tell me that your bastard cop of a wife can do that for you. You give and give and give to her, and what do you get in return? Nothing."

"That isn't true," Alex said. She had been angrily pulling on her clothes and she was now fully dressed once again. Her courage-and her anger-were stoked more with every word Madeline said.

"It's true, and you know it. I give you every single thing that you need, Alexandra, and all I take is what's rightfully mine. You are mine, darling, and you always have been."

"You don't understand," Alex said. "You never did. That's why it ended before, and I guess I should thank you or showing your true colors again. You've reminded me why I left you: What you do, you do to me. Not with me, and certainly not for me. It's for you, about you...all you. And that's not a relationship that I want or need to be in. This is over. I'm leaving here, and I'm not coming back."

If Madeline was taken aback, she didn't show it.

"Very well," she replied. She was shocked, but it wasn't her style to show it. She'd made her money-and her reputation-by being unflappable and unrelenting. It took her no more than two deep breaths to slow her racing heart and quiet the effects of the adrenaline rush. As angry as she was with Alex-and she was furious-something about the defiance she'd exhibited was a huge turn-on. She reached into a drawer near her bed and withdrew the cuffs she'd just used to immobilize Alex's wrists; she offered them up.

"I don't want those," Alex said. "They hold nothing but bad memories for me."

"Take them, darling. They're yours. They're the same ones I've always used on you, and you've earned them-keep them, please."

"As what, a souvenir to remember you by?"

"I don't think that'll be necessary, do you? You could never forget me. I don't think I'd say remember. Perhaps remind is a better word. Those will serve as a nice reminder of your audacity this evening, your very own badge of courage, if you will."

"I don't want to remember you, or anything about this night. I wish I'd never met you, and when I walk out that door, I don't' ever want to see you again."

"I'm going to let you leave, Alexandra, but make no mistake: This isn't over. It will be over when I say it's over."

"You can't force me to do anything."

"Nor would I ever want to. I do respect you, whether you think so or not. I admire your independent nature, and I want you to come to me because you choose to, not because I've forced you. So, it's up to you. You will make the decision."

"What decision?"

"You will decide how things will go from here. If you continue to do what I want you to do-see me when I tell you to, do what I ask you to-then everything can continue peacefully. You can continue to do your job, and if your wife will have you back, you can remain in your shell of a marriage. Sergeant Benson can continue to play gumshoe every day on the streets of Manhattan, allowing her soul to be eaten away by the knowledge that her wife has to go elsewhere to get the things she truly needs to feel loved and wanted."

Alex shuddered, unsure what disgusted her more, the idea of succumbing to Madeline's blackmail, or the thought of walking willingly into this nightmare. It had taken all of her nerve to stand up to Madeline-the next phase of the stress response was overcoming her now, and she had that shaky, queasy feeling that comes from narrowly avoiding a car accident.

"Olivia already knows, Madeline. You know that. She's kicked me out and she won't take me back, which means you have no leverage. You have nothing to hold over my head."

"Really?" Madeline asked. "You should think carefully about that, darling. Consider your wife."

"What are you talking about?" Alex asked. "I've already told you-my marriage is over. You can hurt me, but you can't touch her. She's bulletproof. I'll make sure of it."

"Hurt her?" Madeline laughed. "Oh, heavens no, darling. I don't plan to hurt her. I plan to destroy her, much like you've very nearly done yourself. Your unyielding nature and ambitious self-righteousness have led her to the brink of career ruin like a lamb to the slaughter at least once before, haven't they? You saw what a disgraced young ADA and a vengeful but inept Internal Affairs investigator did to her. Just imagine the havoc I could wreak. If you don't come around-and soon-I'll have that badge of hers mounted on my wall. I promise you that, darling. I know that you see yourself as a fiercely independent person, with choices and agency and unfettered free will. And you are headstrong, I'll admit that. But I also know that you do your best work when you're backed into a corner, with no choices at all. And you feel safest when the danger is the most clear, and someone strong is there to protect you. I can do that. She can't. I'll prove to you just how powerless she really is, if I have to. I'll make sure she never works in law enforcement again."

"You wouldn't." But even as Alex said the words, it felt more like a line from a bad soap opera. She knew Madeline would do exactly what she was threatening-and probably even more things she hadn't verbalized.

"I appreciate your faith in my character, Alexandra, however misplaced it might be. But I would do that. I most certainly will do whatever I have to do," Madeline said. "Who knows? Maybe politics will have sufficiently changed you enough that you won't feel guilty about having left me no choice but to ruin her. I doubt it, but perhaps."

"How do you sleep at night?" Alex was cunning and relentless, and not above using every trick in the book to put criminals in jail, but Madeline operated on another level entirely. She was soulless and without a conscience.

"Soundly and without dreams," Madeline answered. "Please don't act as if I'm being unreasonable, Alexandra. I'm not asking you for a decision tonight, not at all. I know that there are two possible outcomes here, and either of them suits me quite well. I'm not willing to wait forever, though. If you feel the need to assert yourself, just remember: It's your decision, darling. All of the consequences stem from that. You're used to making the tough calls now, Madame District Attorney. This one should be a piece of cake."

She walked toward Alex, placing her cold hand over Alex's wrist, gripping her roughly, fingers wrapping around the delicate bones and covering the skin where the cuff had so recently been.

"I'm here to love you, Alexandra, and to remind that this isn't about want. It's about need. You need this, and you need me. You just have to admit it to yourself. Either you will or you won't. There are consequences to every choice. You have 24 hours."

She walked past Alex toward the master bath, calling back over her shoulder as she began to disrobe, dropping her clothes to the marble floor. "You have a lot to think about, Alexandra. I know this has been an emotional evening for you. I'll let you see yourself out."

She didn't linger-Madeline heard her footsteps on the stairs, then in the foyer, quickly followed by the sound of the door opening and closing.

Alex was too exhausted, mentally and physically, do anything. She knew Madeline's threats were very real-if she didn't do as she was told, Madeline would do anything she could to exact revenge-and she had to figure out some way to protect Olivia from an unknowable threat. She threw the leather cuffs into a trash can in the parking garage, and pulled the Mercedes out onto the street. It was too late at night to call Kate, even though she'd been ignoring numerous messages from her best friend, who was clearly desperate to talk to her. And she wouldn't even think about turning up on Bill's doorstep. She went instead to a hotel, checked in and collapsed on the bed without taking of her clothes or looking at her phone. Tomorrow she'd have to try to put her life back together again, somehow, but not tonight. Right now, she was too spent to cry, or even think. She slept as deeply as she had in months.

Monday, November 17, 2014

8:15 a.m.

Olivia was at her desk bright and early Monday morning, filling out paperwork. She would be on desk duty a while longer, until the shooting was thoroughly investigated, and maybe even longer if Cragen had his way. You're still not safe, Benson. You weren't on desk duty because of Chael Bauer. You were on desk duty because half the cops in this city would be glad to take you out in a friendly fire incident, he'd reminder her.

There would be press conference at 11, but she hoped to finish her report and stop by Alex's office for a moment before picking up Kris to head to 1PP to talk to the media. She had stood up from her desk to head toward Hogan Place around 9:15 when she was surprised to see a very familiar face enter the room.

Dev Patel was looking around. He was a mess and looked like he hadn't slept in a couple of days. When his eyes lit on her, he came walking over.

"Detective Benson," he said. "I'm Dev Patel."

"Sergeant Benson," she corrected. "And I know exactly who you are. What do you want?"

"I need to talk to you. I have a story to tell and I think you're going to want to hear it."

"Then talk."

"In private," he said. "It's a long story."

He was right. It was a long story, but every word of it was interesting. She never made it to Alex's office.

Monday, November 18, 2014

9:30 a.m.

Alex's office door flew open, and she looked up,startled and angered in equal measures. She was surprised to see Kate standing there.

"What…"

"Get up. We need to talk."

"So talk."

"Not here," Kate said. "Let's go out."

"Kate, I've got things to do. You can't just barge in here and make me go wherever you want, anytime you like."

"But I can leave my house to cab around Manhattan and rescue your drunk ass anytime you like? You owe me, Cab. You haven't been answering my calls or texts, so I came to you. Let's go."

Alex knew better than to argue any more. She grabbed her jacket and followed Kate out the door; Laurie was at a meeting herself, so Alex didn't disclose her whereabouts. As they exited the office into the hallway, the man who'd been sitting near the door stood up and followed them at a discreet distance.

"Still not free of your skulking goon?" Kate asked.

"Not yet," Alex said. "Hopefully soon."

"Any new threats?"

"Not for a few days," she said hopefully. "But the trial will start eventually."

"The calm before the storm," Kate observed.

Once they were outside, Kate grabbed a cab and they went to a cafe on West Broadway. They made small talk until they were seated and they ordered coffee and bagels; Kate clearly had something to say, but she was waiting until they wouldn't be disturbed. As soon as the waiter took his leave, she unloaded on Alex.

"Where do you get off?"

"Meaning?"

"I'm trying to help you, and you don't even have the courtesy to let me know if you're alive."

"Help me?" Alex asked incredulously. "You got me kicked out of my house, Kate."

"No, you did that all on your own, beautiful. I'm not the one who made you cheat on your wife, am I?"

Silence was the only answer.

"Exactly," Kate continued. "Look, Alex. I'm sorry she kicked you out, but can you blame her?"

"No."

"Me neither. Have you been served with divorce papers?"

"Not yet."

"Then there's still a chance she'll take you back," she said. "I saw her the other night."

"Saw Olivia? Why?"

"Because I was worried about you. You won't communicate with me, and neither would she, so I just showed up and invited myself in."

"I'm sure she loved that."

"She hated it. She's pissed at you and she's pissed at me."

"Are you the reason she called me Thursday night?" Alex asked.

"So you did get the call," Kate confirmed. "Why didn't you answer her?"

"I was with Madeline."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Alex. Are you an idiot?"

"I had nowhere else to go."

"Fuck that noise. You have me. You have Bill. You have a goddamn credit card and a thousand hotels to choose from. You might want to use one of them to buy something to wear, by the way. You look like hell."

"I'm working it out, Kate. In my own time," Alex insisted. "I'll call Olivia. I'm just not ready yet. If you kidnapped me from my office and brought me here just to yell at me, I'd have preferred to eat at my desk, thanks."

"I brought you here because you can't trust Laurie Medlin."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw her Thursday night, Alex. With Dev Patel. That's what I've been trying to so frantically to tell you."

Alex paled. "Are you sure?"

"One hundred percent certain," Kate said.

"It could be a coincidence. He did used to work here," she offered, grasping at straws. "Maybe they bumped into one another."

"They were at a restaurant in Prospect Heights, sitting at a table for two, so deep in conversation that they didn't notice me or anyone else around."

"Oh my god."

"Yeah. Any idea what they could be up to?"

"No," Alex said. "Not a clue. But it can't be good. I'm such a fool."

"I won't argue that."

"For months I've been questioning the motives of everyone in the office."

"Everyone except her."

"Exactly," Alex affirmed. "I thought they were disloyal and untrustworthy. One of my EADAs said a couple of things to me, sort of hinting around that I should be careful who I listened to. I thought maybe...but it seemed too absurd."

"Why? People are fucked up, Alex. They'll do anything."

"She had no reason," Alex said. "Colin trusted her implicitly."

"Well, you're not Colin. I did some digging around today, Alex. Dev Patel is Laurie's nephew. If he hates you, I think it's fair to say you're probably not her favorite person, either."

"I asked her to stay on," Alex said. "Promoted her. I thought she was the only one in the office I could rely on."

"You're the most trusting prosecutor I've ever met, Alex. Aren't you supposed to think question everyone's motives?"

"My god. What have I done to myself?"

"I don't know, but you need to figure out how to undo it. I have no idea what all of this means, but you can't stay at Madeline's. People are trying to kill you, for sure, and there's probably at least a couple of them trying to ruin your life. Get away from Madeline, first and foremost."

"That's already done," Alex said. "I told her last night that it's over, and that I won't see her again."

"How did she react to that?"

"She wasn't pleased. She's threatening to ruin Olivia's career."

"Alex. You've been going it alone for long enough. You need to tell Olivia ever tying you've told me, and anything else you're keeping a secret, as well. She can't protect herself if she doesn't know she's in the crosshairs."

"What about Laurie?"

"That...I'm not sure. I told Olivia about seeing Dev and Laurie, which you'd have known if you bothered to return her calls, either. Maybe she'll have some ideas. Until then, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Close the gates, Alex, and pull up the drawbridge. Go home to Olivia. I don't think you're safe anywhere else. Have you watched any TV, by the way, or read the newspaper?"

"No, I've been a little busy. Why?"

"Your wife shot and killed Chael Bauer last night."

"She what?"

"He was the serial killer she's been hunting for so long. Christ, Alex, it was all over the place. Get your head out of your ass."

Alex looked at her phone. Another missed call from Olivia, last night-no message.

"I'll call her," Alex promised.

"It's about fucking time," Kate said.

Monday, November 17, 2014

1:45 p.m.

By the time Olivia had finished with Dev and then the press conference, and took Mackey back to the airport, there were three missed calls from Alex. She was on her way back to the precinct, totally spent but with no time to rest. If even half of what Dev had told her was true, she had work to do, but first she detoured by Hogan Place.

Laurie seemed surprised to see her there, and Olivia had the distinct impression that she didn't know that Dev had been to see Liv that morning, and had detailed not only his own involvement in Madeline's schemes, but also Laurie's.

"Let me see if Ms. Cabot is available," Laurie said.

"If she's in her office, Laurie, I'm going in," Olivia said. "I don't much care what she's doing."

Olivia let herself into Alex's office, and Alex was just as surprised as Laurie had been to see her there.

"Olivia."

"I got your messages. I was starting to wonder if you were dead."

"You're a fine one to talk," Alex said. "I saw the press conference. Are you okay?"

"I'm exhausted," Olivia confessed, collapsing into the chair in front of Alex's desk.

"I'm sure," Alex said softly. "Is Mackey okay?"

Olivia looked up. "Do you care?"

"Liv."

"Don't, Alex."

"Okay," Alex said. She wasn't sure if it was what she'd said or how she'd said it. "Yes, I do care. I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm sorry for everything."

"You should be."

"I deserve that."

"You're damn right," Olivia said. "That and more."

Alex just nodded. She had no rebuttal.

"Things aren't right, Alex. You need to come home."

"Do you want me to?"

"No, not really," Olivia said. "I don't know what I want yet. There's a lot going on. I can't really fill you in right now, but I think it's best if you come home, at least for a while."

"I know what you're referring to," Alex said. "Kate was here earlier."

"Then you know why I can't say any more than I already have."

"You're not a safehouse, Olivia. You don't have to take me in. I can stay at a hotel. I have a security detail."

"I don't trust them," Olivia replied.

"I don't want to come home and then get kicked out again. I can't take it."

"Alex," Liv began. "Don't ask me to make any promises. Not right now. Just come home. Stay in the guest room, whatever you want."

"Can we work this out?"

"I don't know," Olivia said. "I really don't."

Alex's face fell. "I should have expected that, but it hurts anyway."

"It hurts me, too," Olivia said. "I do know one thing though."

"What's that?"

"The sharks are circling, Alex. We can't work things out until whatever is about to happen can either be prevented or dealt with. We can't work things out playing phone tag while you stay in a hotel. Come home. That's the only chance we've got."

Olivia left without saying goodbye, not sure if she'd see Alex that night or not. She'd done all she could do. The door was open-Alex would have to take it from there.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

4:00 p.m.

Alex had, in fact, gone back home on Monday night. She had slept in the guest bed-she didn't want to, but it wasn't hard to suss out that that's what Olivia preferred, for now at least. They had talked some, but not about their problems. Instead, Olivia filled her in on what Dev had told her.

Madeline had wanted to destabilize Alex, and Dev had gone along, believing the point of the exercise was to bring Alex to her knees. When he found out that Madeline's idea of bringing Alex to heel was very different from his own, and that Madeline had cut him loose with no compensation or reward, he'd decided to take action himself.

He'd told Liv how Madeline had told him to plant child pornography on computers in David Reilly's campaign headquarters, and had later had him hide the flash drive in Alex's desk, an insurance policy of sorts, carefully planted by Laurie.

What Madeline hadn't known was that at some point Dev had switched out the drive-he'd destroyed the one she'd given him initially, and replaced it with an ExactTrak drive. It was trackable, so he had a record of every computer it had been attached to, and every keystroke recorded on it. When Madeline gave it back to him to plant in Alex's office, he had proof that it had been in her computer. Madeline had no idea, of course-she didn't make mistakes like that often, but she seriously underestimated Dev Patel. He had no intention of using that evidence-he didn't think he'd need it-but when she had him fired and cleaned out his bank account, he acted quickly. He knew her next move would be an anonymous tip that would lead to the drive being found in Alex's office-at that point, his fury toward Madeline overrode his hatred of Alex, and he had Laurie remove the drive. He delivered it to Olivia instead, with all of the evidence she needed.

Sure enough, by Tuesday morning, when Alex hadn't been in touch with Madeline for over 24 hours, an anonymous tip to the New York field office of the FBI resulted in a search of Alex's office. Alex had called Olivia immediately, and Olivia arrived at the office as the agents were tearing everything apart.

That wasn't the only tip Madeline had phoned in, though. She also called the Sloane Jansen show, providing them with a juicy story. She said the DA was being implicated in planting child pornography in order to force her rival from the race, and that the FBI was searching the DA's office at that very moment.

When the producer who took the call said, "We have no idea if you're credible or not. This could be bullshit," Madeline said just the right thing to pique the woman's interest.

"I'm credible," she said. "I'm the DA's Chief of Staff, and I'm in her office now. My name is Laurie Medlin."

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

9:00 p.m.

By the time the Sloane Jansen show came on that night, the producers had realized that the story itself was a non-starter. The FBI and NYPD had issued statements that they had received a bogus tip and that no evidence was found to implicate the DA or her staff in any illegal or unethical conduct. Jansen, though, still believed the tipster was Laurie Medlin, and that there was much more to the story than a flash drive.

She led of the show with her usual hectoring commentary. "If you live and work in New York County, you have to be asking yourself tonight, Who in the hell did we elect to be our District Attorney? Alexandra Cabot has always been a climber, that was no secret. She used her connections to advance through the ranks at Hogan Place faster than anyone could have imagined, and now that she's your DA, she's made one mistake after another. She's prosecuting a cop for doing his job, for God's sake. And that's not even the worst of it. The FBI spent the day searching her office for a flash drive of child porn that may or may not have been used to discredit David Reilly, her rival for the office of District Attorney. The feds and the NYPD now say the tip wasn't credible, but we're not so sure. We got our own tip today, and it came from Laurie Medlin, the DA's very own Chief of Staff. Maybe there's a flash drive, maybe there isn't, but when your own assistant is calling CNN about you, something's wrong, folks. Someone's out to get Cabot, and we want to know why. Stay tuned-something's rotten in the state of Denmark, and we'll get to the bottom of it. We always do."

Alex was watching at home. She hadn't heard anything from Madeline, but now that all of this was public, things were about to come to a head. She looked over at Olivia.

"Laurie Medlin?"

"It wasn't her, Alex. She didn't phone in any tip to anyone. First of all, she knew that the flash drive wasn't in your desk-she'd taken it out of there herself on Saturday. Dev knew it wasn't there-he is the one who told her to remove it."

"Madeline," Alex said. "She was the only one who thought it was still there."

"Exactly," Olivia said. "She didn't count on Dev coming to me. She knew that to bring her down he'd have to own up to his part in it, and she didn't think he'd be willing to do that. I don't think she had any idea how angry she makes people."

"Then who phoned Sloane Jansen?" Alex asked.

"I'm sure that was Madeline, too. She was going to get this out in public one way or another. She couldn't be sure the FBI would act on her tip, or how quickly, but she knew Jansen couldn't ignore it. The woman loves dirty laundry-she makes her living off of it."

The truth of that statement hit Alex like a ton of bricks. The FBI could issue all the statements they wanted, but Jansen wouldn't be satisfied. There was a story here-it didn't take an idiot to see that, even if the exact nature of the narrative was not what it appeared to be at first glance. Jansen would dig and dig until she knew what had really happened, in all its sordid glory. Dev had turned over the flash drive, and it was being analyzed. As soon as they had what they needed, there would be a warrant issued for Madeline's arrest. Dev had agreed to testify in exchange for a reduced sentence, and Laurie would be granted immunity in exchange for her resignation and her own testimony. Once those dominoes started to fall, everyone would know her secrets, would know what she had done, and what she had allowed to be done to her. They'd know she betrayed her own values, and that she'd betrayed her wife. She started to cry, furious, ragged sobs escaping her chest.

"What, Alex?" Olivia asked. "Talk to me."

"I've ruined everything," Alex said. "I've ruined my life, I've ruined my career, and worst of all I've ruined our marriage. Nothing I can ever say will make things better."

Alex was pacing now, tormented. Her anguish was so raw and consuming that it temporarily obliterated Olivia's own sense of anger and betrayal.

"I'm going to resign," Alex said. "It's the only option."

"It's not," Olivia insisted.

"I'll have to testify against Madeline. She'll say anything and everything she can to hurt me, and to hurt you. She will finish what I started, Liv. There won't be anything left."

Olivia hated to see her this way: weary, beaten down and unsure of herself. She felt like she had just this evening—a few hours at most—to halt this slide into the abyss. Alex was on the verge of doing something she might regret for the rest of her life.

"Alex."

"I can't get around this. It will never, ever go away." She was still moving back and forth across the room, glasses in her hand, gaze firmly focused on the floor.

"Baby, please don't make any decisions tonight."

Alex was in constant motion, her words acknowledging Olivia's plea without really acknowledging Olivia. "Time to mull this over is a luxury I don't have."

"This will all work out, Alex." Olivia tried again to avert the disaster she could see looming ahead in the darkness. "You've done nothing wrong. People will see that. They will understand."

Finally, the blonde stopped and turned to face her wife. "Rebecca, we left Sunnybrook Farm a long time ago."

Olivia was trained to hold her cards close to the vest, never show surprise, give away nothing. And she was good at it. There were only a handful of people in the world who'd have seen the hurt flash across her face. The one in front of her was too preoccupied to notice and too pissed off to care. She gathered herself, shrugged off the insult and tried once again to calm Alex.

"Alex, I do realize it's serious. I'm not trying to minimize this. But you have a long reputation to stand on. People will see this for what it is. You are the victim here."

She knew immediately she'd gone too far, said the one thing that she should have swallowed. Alex was just as good at hiding her shock as Olivia—maybe better—but she couldn't hide her anger now. Especially not from her wife. If observing others was Olivia's bread and butter, observing Alex was her calling in life, and what she was seeing now was fury.

She expected a raised voice. Instead, the low tone raised hairs on her neck.

"I am not a victim."

"Fine," Olivia said angrily. "You're not a victim, then. I am. You have victimized me, Alex, so you'll forgive me if I don't feel like consoling you and trying to figure out how to save your job."

It worked. The words cut to Alex's core, broke through all of her self-pity and paranoia, and reminded her exactly what she had done. Madeline was the one who had pulled the trigger, yes, but if Alex hadn't been so damn proud-if she had told Olivia at the beginning what Madeline wanted, and what that relationship had been like before-there wouldn't have been any ammunition in the gun.

In the short time Alex had been back home, they hadn't talked about it, content to let it sit between them while they dealt with the more immediate issues at hand. That had to end now.

"It was never sex, Olivia," she said abruptly. "We never had sex. It wasn't about that."

"I'm not sure if that's better or worse. Sex would make it an affair. There's a script for that, maybe I could make sense of it. I don't know what to do with this-what to say, how to act. What was missing between us that sent you to her? I had no idea that's what you wanted, Alex. You wanted me to dominate you, get rough with you?"

"No," Alex said. "Not at all. I never asked you for those things because I had come to resent Madeline for it. I felt that she took advantage of me when I wasn't in a good place and I eventually hated her for it. I couldn't separate in my mind those activities that she and I engaged in from the feelings of hatred and pain that they caused me. I never wanted to associate you with any of that."

"So, when we had sex, you weren't fulfilled? You were willing to forego something you needed and never tell me?"

"God, no," Alex insisted. "I was fulfilled. I love you. I love making love with you."

"But you needed what she had. I'm not enough."

"This, Liv. This is why I didn't tell you. I knew this is how you'd react," Alex said hopelessly. "Now this is never going to be gone. It will always be here between us, you wondering what you should've done differently, and whether I'm truly happy."

"Do you blame me?"

"I guess I don't. What can I say?"

"Make me understand what happened, Alex. Explain to me why you went back to her, if you love me. If I'm enough, then how did this happen?"

"I don't know if I can explain it."

"You have to," Olivia said quietly. "I deserve at least that."

"Let me start at the beginning," Alex said. "Years ago, when I first met her. I should have told you all of this already. I"m so sorry."

"Tell me now, Alex."

Alex sighed before she spoke. "I was seeking shelter, Olivia. All those months I was gone, not letting anyone get to know me, or letting someone see a fictional version—I came home and lived the scenario I thought everyone expected of me: Robert, the engagement, the ball-busting ADA. I reinvented myself. The funny thing is, no one really expected that of me. Everyone else assumed I'd need time to settle in, but I wasn't willing to allow myself that. I made a few tentative forays into my old life, but I'd lost the thread. People move on. You had moved on. I knew I should, too, but I didn't want to. That was the real issue. I wanted to go back to that night, to find myself lying in a regular hospital room with some inconsequential bullet wound and the clarity and courage I needed to finally tell you everything I felt for you."

"Some love story we have here," Olivia said. "You needed me then, and I didn't show up for you. I'm so sorry, Alex."

"It's not your fault. Once I realized that wasn't me, that it couldn't be me, I felt lost. I couldn't seem to pick up where I'd left off—I wasn't the same person you and Elliot had been talking to in the bar that night, but I wasn't doing very well at reinventing myself either. I saw you at that crime scene when Jack asked me to pick up Greylek's cases, and it threw me for a loop. I met Madeline that night at some charity dinner. We talked, but just a little. And I'll be damned if she wasn't flirting with me. Everything I hadn't felt for Robert, it was all there in a rush, Liv. It was completely unexpected. She was completely unexpected. It was like she'd known me forever—the real me, not the public me. I was so desperate for a connection, to belong to someone, that I didn't realize it was a con."

"A con?" Olivia had been quiet up to this point, taking it all in. She was surprised by so much of what she was hearing. Their timing had always been bad-to know that seeing her at a crime scene had knocked Alex so far sideways on the very day she met Madeline was another of their near-misses, another "if only" scenario in their shared history.

"Yes," Alex said. "She conned me, and I let her. I thought she was offering me a shelter but it turned out to be a prison. She was like an alchemist, trying to transform me, turning me into something I didn't recognize, but it wasn't real."

"She expected nothing from me—no decisions, no opinions...no emotion, to be honest. Of course, the fact that I contributed nothing meant I gave up everything. You, Olivia, you're so sweet, so soft, so damn kind, and that's what I need from you. But then—and sometimes now, even—I don't feel I deserve it. I don't feel capable of holding up my end of the bargain. You and I have a give-and-take. While you'd think that all I did with her was give, all I really did was take. I was so passive. I wanted to belong to someone, and that's the only way I was capable of doing that. I'd never felt it with Robert. Ironically, I had to give up all of my control to get any back. What I eventually realized was that I didn't really want to belong to someone. I wanted to belong with someone, and that was you. All she did, in the end, was focus all of my need and longing, and give me an outlet for it until I realized that what I needed-what I was really longing for-was you, Liv. I've said before that I couldn't come back to you because I wasn't myself. If you were in love with me-and I know now that you were-then you fell in love with an Alex Cabot who was confident and decisive, who was fearless. Who, for lack of a better term, had her shit together. I wasn't her, and I didn't know if I ever would be again. I was afraid and confused and I needed things I'd never needed before. Things I didn't even understand. It's like that was my penance, or something. I had to walk through that to get back to you."

"But you did get back to me, Alex. You have me now. I'm right here. Why did you go back to her? Why do you keep living your life like you're some kind of refugee?"

"I don't know. The pressure I was under, seeing her again...she stoked a fire that I thought I'd managed to extinguish. When the stress mounted, and things between us became so hard here at home, I was weak. That's all I can say. I thought it would make me feel better, and it didn't. But by then it was too late."

"But she was blackmailing you, Alex. Everything Dev told me...she didn't leave you any choice. Why didn't you let me help you?"

"I suppose she was," Alex admitted. "But I won't make excuses, Olivia. I thought I could handle it myself. I realize now that if I'd been honest with you, that would have taken her power away. I could have lived with anything except losing you, and then I did the very thing I couldn't bear."

"Why didn't you ever tell me about the BDSM, Alex?"

"I was afraid it would repulse you, Liv. You see the worst things every day, and I was afraid that you would be so turned off that you'd leave me," Alex said. "Olivia, before I met you, I didn't believe in redemption. I thought I was lost forever because of the mistakes I'd made in my life. But then I found my way back to you, and you loved me so truly and so deeply, that I never wanted to be without that love again."

"Alex," Olivia began. "I'm not a religious person. You know that. You are the only faith I have, and the only thing I've ever believed in. I love you unconditionally and I accept you as you are. I wouldn't have judged you for what you wanted to needed. I would have tried my best to make you happy and give you everything I could."

"But what I needed didn't even make sense to me. I couldn't explain it to you."

"That's the difference between you and me, Al. I don't question emotions. I don't need to know why you feel some certain way, and I don't need your feelings to be logical or productive. I just need to know what they are, so I can love you."

"Can we make this work?"

"I don't know for sure," Olivia answered. "I'm being honest with you. I'm very hurt, but I think we have to try. A few days ago I didn't want to try-I didn't want to work it out. But we worked too hard and waited too long to get where we are. I can't tell you it will be easy, but I will give it everything I've got, if you promise you will, too."

"It was always you in my head, Liv. Always, every minute. It was never her."

"I didn't want to be In your head Alex. I wanted to be in your heart, in your arms, in your bed."

"Wanted?" Alex asked.

"Wanted. Still want," Olivia clarified. "I still love you, Alex. I never stopped. I never will. Don't you know I'd do anything for you? Loving you has been like finally feeling the sun after a lifetime spent in the shade. Once you've felt that warmth on your skin, you can't live without it. I can't go back to a life without you, Alex Cabot. I'll do whatever you need me to do. If you want her-if that's what you need-I'll learn to live with it. If it's something I can give you, I'll do it."

"I don't want her," Alex said. "I don't know what I thought she could do for me, but I think there's an empty space inside of me and I thought she had made it, and she was the only one who could fill it. I was too ashamed or embarrassed to tell you. I wanted to blame her so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that something was wrong. I realize now that she didn't create it and she can't fill it. You can't even fill it, Liv. Only I can."

"I know that empty space, baby. We all have one."

"Please don't leave me, Olivia. I'll do anything I can to make this better. It isn't her I want. It's you. I'll spend the rest of my life working for your forgiveness."

"It's too late," Olivia said.

Alex looked at her, stricken. "What do you mean?"

"I've already forgiven you, Alex."

"How can you forgive me when I can't forgive myself?" Alex asked.

"That is unconditional love. I've made mistakes too. I've done things that drove you away, and I'm sorry for that. We have work to do, but I'm willing to do it. I think we can come out stronger on the other side."

"I don't deserve you, Liv."

Olivia moved into Alex's space and embraced her tightly. "You do deserve me, Alex Cabot, and you deserve love and happiness. You deserve my forgiveness, but even more than that, baby, you deserve your own. I love you, and I will tell you that every day. I will tell you so softly, in a whisper, while my arms are around you tight and you can't run away from me, how very perfect you are for me. And I will tell you that the things you run from, the things you try so hard to hide...that they're not scary at all. That they are, in fact, the very best things about you, and they are what makes you so wonderful."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Alex. I'll stop running if you'll stop hiding. I want to make this work. I'm not scared, not one little bit. We can do this."

"I'm done hiding, Liv. I'm here, and I love you."

Olivia kissed her softly and then tightened her embrace, whispering softly in her ear.

"I love you, Alex. Welcome home."

"And if these trouble should vanish like rain at midday, well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat, 'cause baby when we meet what we're afraid of,

We find out what we're made of."

-Everything But The Girl

"We Walk the Same Line"