A/N: Hello? Anyone still there? It's been a while, I know. But trust me, you didn't want to read this chapter before. It was complete crap. Now, it's much improved crap if I do say so myself. Happy belated birthday to Countess Black. I did try, but hopefully, it's worth the wait. Last time: Yada, yada, yada... rubber chickens.

Draco's Deal

Rubber chickens? Once again, not what she had been thinking he was going to say. Malfoy was always full of surprises. Unfortunately, they were never the good kind. "And how exactly do you get rubber chickens out of... out of that?" Hermione spat angrily. She was pretty sure she should be offended. Rubber chickens indeed.

"Well," began Malfoy, clearing enjoying her ire. "When I saw that idiot painting's hand go up your dress, I had a flashback of the single most horrifying moment of my life."

"The time you tried to kill Dumbledore?"

"No."

"The time you were turned into a ferret?"

"No!"

"The time Harry beat you to the Snitch? No wait. That happened more than once," said Hermione vindictively. "How about the time..."

Malfoy scowled at her. "I was referring to the time I caught the egg from your vagina! I'm sure you must remember that time, chicken girl. I know I can't seem to forget it."

Hermione's face turned pink. Just great. What every girl wants her vagina to be remembered for. "That was your fault!" she snapped in anger and embarrassment.

"Whatever," replied Malfoy dismissively. "The point is, it got me thinking about those eggs and..."

"As much fun as all of this reminiscing is," interrupted Hermione sarcastically, "we don't have time for this. Some of us are trying to come up with a plan to fight the Weasley twins. Unless you're not interested in defending yourself that is."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you," replied Malfoy angrily. "As usual, you won't shut your mouth long enough to listen. I have a plan. While you were busy snogging yourself senseless with that frigging painting, I've been actually doing something useful."

"Snogging Regulus was useful," Hermione protested.

"I'll say it was," agreed Regulus enthusiastically. "She can 'use' me anytime."

"Stay out of this, Regulus. It has nothing to do with you," replied Hermione, glaring at him.

"I think it has a little bit to do with me," said Regulus, giving her a wink. "I was the one getting snogged after all. And what a snog it was!"

"Great job, Granger," Malfoy sneered. "It seems you even excel at being useless."

Hermione glared at him. "I wasn't snogging Regulus for my own enjoyment, you know," she replied haughtily. That it had been enjoyable was completely beside the point. "I snogged Regulus to get him to spy on the Weasley twins to help save your ass! I don't see how you can consider that useless."

"If that's the way you fight for a cause, I'm surprised S.P.E.W. didn't have more members," said Malfoy spitefully. "Always the self-sacrificing one, aren't you? Well, you can't fool me. I know damn well that you weren't thinking about the Weasley twits during that little display of art appreciation."

Hermione opened her mouth to defend herself but was dismayed to discover she had nothing to say. Nothing she wanted to say out loud anyway. Admittedly, snogging the paint off Regulus was probably more about making Malfoy jealous than about anything very self-sacrificing. And it did turn out to be fairly useless after all. The fact that her vagina had inspired thoughts of rubber chickens pretty much proved that point. She closed her mouth in annoyance and settled on glaring at Malfoy instead. Insufferable git.

I knew it!" exclaimed Malfoy. "You are in lurf with him."

"What! Not that again," said Hermione exasperatedly. She supposed she should be grateful that he had misinterpreted her silence, but she wasn't. In fact, it kind of pissed her off. And while she knew she was being ridiculous because, after all, she had been trying to make him jealous, she couldn't help being angry that Malfoy had jumped to the wrong conclusion. Again. As if she could really be in lurf with Regulus. He was a frigging painting for Merlin's sake. And why did he have to keep bringing up lurf anyway? Why couldn't he stop being a bloody coward and use the real fucking word for once?

"I know you're in lurf with him," he said again much to her annoyance.

"You apparently don't know anything," snapped Hermione. "Regulus is an idiot and a Death Eater. Not to mention the fact that he's dead and a frigging painting. Really, could I find anyone any more incompatible?"

"Lurf's a mystery." Regulus shrugged.

"Lurf is bullshit," replied Hermione angrily.

"I saw you! I watched you kiss him. I had to, remember? And I know what I saw. You're in lurf with him," insisted Malfoy. "Why don't you just admit it?"

"Like you admitted it to me? No thanks. I still have egg in my hair," retorted Hermione.

"Yeah, maybe next time you should say it, not spray it," Regulus joked. "Not that it really matters since she's obviously in lurf with me. Speaking of lurf, why don't you get lost so I can make lurf to my favorite Mudblood. She still has a Horcrux to earn, and I have an itch to scratch if you get my meaning."

Malfoy's face drained of what little color he had and his hands clenched into tight fists. Malfoy certainly did get his meaning, but instead of replying with words, Malfoy charged angrily at him with his fists drawn. Regulus's eyes widened in shock, but quickly gathering his senses, he disappeared out of the picture just in time to miss Malfoy's fist going right through the frame. Regulus popped back into his frame again with a smirk on his face but just as quickly popped back out as Malfoy tried hitting him again.

This went on and on as Regulus, being the annoying, dead Slytherin painting that he was, kept disappearing in and out of his frame dodging Malfoy's fists. Regulus's cowardly yet slightly amusing defensive strategy only seemed to make Malfoy angrier, and in his frustration, he punched and missed even more furiously. It was the most pathetic fight Hermione had ever witnessed and that was including the time Ron had gotten into a slap fight with Seamus over something Seamus had said about the Chudley Cannons.

"Malfoy, would you cut it out? You're wasting time," said Hermione, starting to get annoyed. Not that she didn't think Malfoy's shadowboxing was entertaining and all, but they had things to do.

"Fight... like... a man," grunted Malfoy breathlessly, ignoring Hermione and continuing to punch air.

"I'm... a lurfer... not... a fighter," taunted Regulus in between punches.

"I am... going to... fucking... kill you," huffed Malfoy, still throwing punches.

"You're... too... late. Just... like... with... her."

At those words, Malfoy froze mid punch as though he had just been stunned. Popping back into his frame with a triumphant smirk on his face, Regulus took full advantage of the situation and punched Malfoy right in the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.

"Regulus, you idiot!" cried Hermione, rushing to Malfoy's side.

"I'm the idiot? He's the one unconscious."

"Exactly! Why did you have to go and hit him like that? He's not any use to me unconscious. I don't want to fight the Weasley twins all by myself."

Regulus shrugged. "He started it. I just ended it."

"Well, you didn't have to hurt him," said Hermione, smoothing Malfoy's hair back into place. "That was a low blow."

"What?" asked Regulus, looking at her slyly. "I only did what you wanted me to do."

"I didn't want you to hit him!"

"I wasn't talking about hitting him. That was just for fun and my own personal amusement. I was talking about what I said to him. About it being too late with you. Did you see his face? He looked like I just told him I had run over his dog. Or stolen his Mudblood girlfriend."

"I don't know what you mean," said Hermione uncomfortably.

"It seems congratulations are in order. Your brilliant plan worked. He's completely devastated by our lurf for one another."

"Don't put this all on me," said Hermione, feeling a little guilty. "It was your stupid plan to make him jealous."

"Well, it may have been my plan, but you're the one that wanted to make him jealous. I just wanted to get laid."

"I don't even know how Malfoy can seriously believe I'm in lurf with you. You're so annoying. I can't even stand being in a pretend relationship with you."

"Are you breaking up with me? Can we still be friends? With benefits?"

"No."

"Can we just have the benefits then? Who needs fucking friends anyway? Especially if there is no fucking involved."

"I am not... benefiting you."

"Why not? Is it because you lurf Malfoy?" asked Regulus sarcastically.

"I don't... I... Lurf is not a real word!"

"It sure is fun to say though. Rolls right off the tongue. Not like that other word."

Do you really think he's jealous?" Hermione couldn't help asking.

"Of course, he's jealous. I'm exceedingly handsome, charming, suave, sophisticated, dashing... Pretty much everything he's not. And I suppose the fact that he's completely in love with you has something to do with it."

"He is not in love with me," said Hermione a tad more bitterly than she had intended.

"Of course he is. What does he have to do? Spit a whole box of chocolates in your face? I don't know why you're so insecure. Sure you're a Mudblood, but it's not like you're an ugly Mudblood."

Hermione glared.

Regulus responded with his most charming smile. "Oh, come on. You know I lust you. And this stupid git on the floor says he lurfs you."

"He didn't say it. He spat it. In my hair. There's a difference."

"Well, I didn't say it was the most charming declaration or the best display of table manners, for that matter, but that's a Malfoy for you. They always were an immature lot. You're lucky he didn't pull your hair. Of course, it's not like you're any better. You can't even tell him you lurf him back. Why don't you just kick him in the shins and be done with it?"

"Maybe I should kick you in the shins," grumbled Hermione.

"Aww, Malfoy was right. You do lurf me. It appears we have a lurf triangle on our hands. How cliché," he drawled.

"Just because I want to maim you, doesn't mean I lurf you. And Malfoy is an idiot."

"Well, I can't really argue with you there, but he's right, you know. That kiss meant something. If you ask me, that was the kiss of a girl in lurf."

"I didn't ask you. And you and I both know, that kiss had nothing to do with you."

"So you say," goaded Regulus. "Of course, it would make the whole not lurfing you back a little less awkward."

"I could give a fuck if you lurf me or not. I don't lurf you, love you or even like you very much. And the only reason I am even remotely attracted to you is because I am wearing a fucking lunatic on my head. So get over yourself!"

"Are you trying to play hard to get? Because, truthfully, it's a little late for that."

"I am not in lurf with you!".

"That kiss said otherwise, and I'm pretty sure you know it too. You are in lurf. You're just too chicken to admit it." Regulus smirked at her.

Hermione hated herself for it, but that chicken crack got to her every time. And Regulus's stupid smirk on top of it sent her completely over the edge. "That fucking kiss wasn't about you, you egotistical shit. It was about him. That other fucking asshole. I may be in lurf with an annoying Slytherin prat, but believe me, it's not you."

As if on cue, Malfoy's eyes snapped open. Hermione's hand, that had somehow still been fondling his hair all this time, froze in place as she silently held her breath. He stared into her eyes intently for a while as though looking at them for the first time. Slowly, a smug expression began to form on his face. "You lurf me."

"I do not!" exclaimed Hermione, quickly extricating her hand from his hair. She didn't like that smug expression on his face. It was a look that said he won. And being the stubborn, competitive witch that she was, she couldn't bring herself to let that happen. Fuck if she was going to be the first to admit anything.

"You... lurf me," said Malfoy, smiling up at her, his eyes twinkling annoyingly.

"No, I don't," said Hermione, trying to regain her composure. "That's ridiculous. I think Regulus must have knocked you senseless."

"I heard you," said Malfoy, sitting up and challenging her.

"Who said I was talking about you?"

"It was obviously me. What other annoying Slytherin prat could it be?"

"Um... Goyle? Yes, Goyle! He's annoying and a prat. And I lurf him," she said triumphantly, her own smug expression forming.

Anger momentarily flashed across Malfoy's face but then his expression turned thoughtful. "But last night you said that you didn't."

"I lied," she said automatically, not even thinking about it. "I didn't want Harry and Ron to know." There. That sounded very plausible.

"Under Veritaserum?" asked Malfoy skeptically.

"I'm the smartest witch of our age. I can overthrow the effects of Veritaserum if I want to," said Hermione in her best know-it-all voice.

"If you weren't affected by the Veritaserum, then why did you bother admitting to all of that other embarrassing shit?"

Hmm. Good point. "I don't have to explain myself to you," she retorted.

"No, you don't. I'm smart enough to figure it out for myself. You are not in love Goyle."

Hermione was about to argue with him until death if necessary but then it finally clicked. "You're right," said Hermione as though it had just dawned on her. "I don't love Goyle."

"I knew it!"

"I lurf him."

"I'm glad you finally... You what!"

"I... lurf him," repeated Hermione, her eyes twinkling at him annoyingly.

"We've already been through this. You already admitted..."

"It's true that I said I didn't 'love' Goyle while I was under the influence of Veritaserum, but I never said anything about lurf. So unless you know something I don't, you can't really prove that I don't lurf Goyle, now can you?"

Malfoy paused for a moment, a conflicted expression on his face. It was obvious he was trying to decide if he actually wanted to divulge the meaning of lurf in order to prove Hermione wrong. After an inner struggle, he finally muttered, "No, I suppose I can't prove it."

"I thought so," said Hermione, smiling triumphantly. "Now, speaking of chickens. What's this plan that you came up with?"

Malfoy glared at her but seemed content enough to drop the subject for the time being. "I'm going to stuff the rubber chickens with the Eggcellent Eggsploding Eggs that you laid and chuck them at the Weasley twins."

"That's your big plan? Chucking chickens?" said Hermione taken aback. "That's... that's brilliant."

"Of course it is," replied Malfoy conceitedly. A little too conceitedly.

"And did you come up with a brilliant idea for the underpants as well?" asked Hermione rudely.

Malfoy scowled. "I thought I'd give them to you to do something with."

"To do what? Make sling shots for the chickens?" quipped Hermione but then she turned thoughtful. "Maybe I could transfigure them..."

"To wear," interrupted Malfoy, rolling his eyes. "I should have known you wouldn't know what to do with them."

"I don't need your stupid underpants," huffed Hermione, stomping over to her dresser and throwing open the drawer. Truthfully, she had forgotten she wasn't wearing any knickers. She had gotten so used to it that she didn't even notice the breeze anymore. "I have my own... Regulus! Where are my knickers!"

"Oh, did I forget to tell you? I had to borrow them."

"You had to borrow them? For what? Some cross dressing fun?" asked Hermione sarcastically.

"No. Although I like how you think," said Regulus, waggling his eyebrows. "I needed them for the Horcrux Hunt."

"I'm afraid to ask," said Hermione with a sigh.

"Don't worry. I didn't do anything weird. I just transfigured them into eggs."

"You're right. That's not weird," said Hermione sarcastically.

"I had to hide my surprises somewhere."

"Surprises?" Hermione asked warily.

"You know, Horcruxes and stuff."

"You hid the Horcruxes in my knickers!"

"Well, all except one. You're still wearing the diadem," he said, smiling evilly.

Hermione glared. "You couldn't just use the eggs from the refrigerator?"

"Well, that's not very imaginative, now is it? Besides I didn't want plain boring white eggs for the Hunt. That's not very festive."

"You're supposed to decorate them."

"Do I look like the fucking Easter Bunny?"

Hermione glared.

"Of course, I did end up having to decorate them anyway because your boring knickers needed a lot of work. I had to raid Prissy Percy's glitter supply to give them any sort of pizazz whatsoever. Now, those knickers hidden in the back of the drawer. Those made for some interesting eggs."

"You looked through my hidden compartment!" yelled Hermione, completely freaking out.

"No, of course not. I just said, 'Accio Hermione's naughty knickers', and they came right out. Why? What other interesting things do you have hidden in there?" asked Regulus, a wicked smile forming on his face.

"None of your business!" huffed Hermione.

"Accio Hermione's whips and handcuffs!"

"Accio Hermione's vibrator!"

"Accio Hermione's sex toys!"

"You're lucky the Weasley twits didn't come flying at us," said Malfoy dryly.

"I'm lucky you didn't come flying at me," quipped Regulus.

"You should talk," muttered Malfoy.

"Can we move on now," asked Hermione impatiently. "We have chickens to stuff."

"No, no. I've got it," choked out Regulus, trying not to laugh too hard. "Accio Hermione's gay porn collection!"

Regulus was nearly in tears and even Malfoy was snickering.

"You two are so immature. I'm glad you can bond over your stupidity."

Recovering from his laughing fit, Regulus mused, "I know you're hiding something. The question is what."

"Too bad you're too stupid to ever figure it out," snapped Hermione.

"It's just as well. It's probably something boring like a book."

When she didn't respond, Draco slowly turned his gray eyes on Hermione and looked at her incredulously for a moment. When she refused to meet his gaze, he grabbed her wand out of her hand and said, "Accio Hermione's diary!"

A little red book flew out of the drawer towards Malfoy, but Hermione quickly snatched it out of the air with lightning quick reflexes that would have made Harry proud.

"You have a diary! I thought diaries were for girls," said Malfoy mockingly.

Angrily grabbing her wand back, Hermione said, "I am a girl, you idiot."

"Oh, right. So did you write anything about me?"

"Um, no," said Hermione hesitantly, not looking him in the eye.

"You wrote about me!"

"Alright, you may have been mentioned in passing. It's not like the whole bloody thing's about you."

"I want to read it."

"No!"

"You read mine."

"Yours was fake!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yes, but you didn't know that."

"You are not reading my diary, Malfoy."

"Why? Did you write about how you were in lurf with me?"

"No. I most certainly did not."

"Then give it to me," said Malfoy, reaching for it.

"Stop it," said Hermione, slapping his hand away and backing away from him. "Trust me, you don't want to read it."

"Well, I want to read it," said Regulus, plucking it out of her hand.

He opened the diary to the first page and started reading.

Dear Diary,

I'm so excited about Hogwarts. I met a boy on the train today. He had dirt on his nose. His name is Ronald Weasley, and he is so cute.

"Ugh. I think I'm going to hurl."

"I was right. It is a boring book."

Dear Diary,

Ron is so funny. Today he was stirring his potion clockwise instead of counterclockwise. I corrected him of course. I wonder if he likes me?

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "You may as well have called him stupid to his face. Did you kick him in the shins too?"

Regulus snorted at that.

Dear Diary,

Ron saved me from a troll today. I know we'll be friends forever now. Maybe someday we'll get married.

"Dumb, dumb, dumb, dummmmb," sang Regulus.

"Who cares about Weasel? Find something about me."

"Here's something."

Dear Diary,

Malfoy is such a jerk. He called me a Mudblood today. Ron did the sweetest thing though. He stood up for me just like a knight in shining armor from one of my books. Too bad he ended up puking slugs.

"Ha, ha. That was priceless."

"I stand by my opinion of you."

Dear Diary,

I hit Malfoy today. I think I made him cry. I should be sorry, but I'm not. I wish Buckbeak would eat him for breakfast.

"Vindictive little bitch."

"I didn't cry."

Dear Diary,

Malfoy acts as though he's some kind of sex god. Ron is ever so much more attractive. Malfoy is kind of pointy.

"You're right. He is kind of pointy."

"I'm not pointy! And there is no way Weasel is more attractive than me."

"Whatever."

Dear Diary,

Viktor asked me to the Yule Ball today. I wish it had been Ron.

"Is this whole fucking thing about Weasel?"

"I told you that you didn't want to read it!"

Dear Diary,

I lost my virginity today.

"Now we're getting somewhere."

"Don't tell me it's fucking Weasel."

"You already know it's Viktor, you ass."

Having sex wasn't as monumental as I thought it was going to be. I wish I would have saved myself.

"Small penis, huh?"

"Small brain. It worked alright for me."

"Shut up, Malfoy."

Dear Diary,

Viktor thinks we should see other people. I wish Ron would see me.

"For the love of God. Enough about Weasel."

"Oh, you'll love this."

"It better not be about Weasel."

"It's not."

Dear Diary,

I just had sex with Goyle.

"Fuck me now."

Three times!

"She used a whole bunch of exclamation points."

"Of course she did."

"It gets better."

"Of course it does."

For the first time since I let Viktor deflower me, I'm glad I wasn't a virgin. Goyle's thingy that must not be named is huge!"

"Didn't need to know that."

"Oh, like you haven't checked him out while you were peeing."

"If I had, then I would know you were exaggerating, wouldn't I?"

"There's more."

Viktor was a very good lover, but Goyle... He took my breath away. I never really thought about him before, but now I can't seem to stop. I wonder..."

"I don't want to hear any more about fucking Goyle," Malfoy interrupted angrily. "Didn't she write anything good?"

"There's only one more entry."

Dear Diary,

I'm heading to Grimmauld Place to babysit Malfoy now. I'd rather eat a vomit-flavored Bertie Bott's Bean.

"Understandable," said Regulus, closing the book and tossing it back to Hermione.

Malfoy snatched it away. "Where's the rest of it?" he asked, flipping through it.

"That's it. There isn't anymore."

"You're lying. There has to be more."

"There isn't. I haven't had time to write in it since I got here. I've kind of had my hands full. What did you think you would find?"

"Never mind. You're right. We're wasting time. Start stuffing," said Malfoy, shoving some rubber chickens at her.

Hermione started carefully putting eggs inside the chickens. It bothered her that Malfoy was upset, but she didn't know what she could do about it. It's not like he hadn't brought it all on himself. She told him not to read it. If anyone had the right to be mad, it was her. He deserved every awful thing she had said about him. "What is your deal? I don't know what you expected, Malfoy. You were completely horrible to me in school. Of course I'm going to have a bad opinion of you."

Malfoy kept working without saying a word and refused to look at her.

Hermione transfigured a pair of underpants into a bottomless backpack and started filling it with the chickens and the contents of their purple boxes. "And it's not like you've been much better since I got here," continued Hermione, unable to stand the silence. "You've been a right pain in the ass. You've thrown food in my hair. You've turned me into a chicken. You've done nothing but humiliate me ever since I've known you."

"What about you, Granger? You think you're any better?" seethed Malfoy, unable to remain quiet any longer. "Always trying to show me up in school. Looking down your nose at me. You used my so called friends against me. Hell, you even fucked one of them."

"Three times," added Regulus.

"And now my hair is fucking pink!"

"You deserved that!"

"I deserve a lot of things, Granger."

"What does that even mean?"

"Never mind."

"That is so typical of you, Malfoy. God forbid you ever willingly tell me anything."

"Maybe I'll start a diary, and you can read things that you don't want to know."

"I told you not to read it. Most of it was written a long time ago. Ron was just... Well, I don't really know what I was thinking with Ron, but he's a good friend, and that's all. And Viktor was the first boy who ever noticed me. Unfortunately, it seems he noticed a lot of other girls as well. So it's not like it was ever anything special. And Goyle..." She trailed off, not really sure what to say about Goyle.

"So, it is Goyle. That you're in lurf with."

"I..."

"Oh, do tell. The suspense is killing me," said Regulus sarcastically.

Hermione glared at him. "Shouldn't you be downstairs spying?" she asked pointedly.

"I don't have to," replied Regulus.

"But we had a deal," shouted Hermione and Malfoy.

"Aren't you two fucking adorable? If only I were the matchmaking type. Would have to give a fuck though."

They both gave him identical glares.

Regulus looked at them with an amused expression on his face. "I don't have to spy because I already know what they are up to. Do you really think I don't know what's going on in my own house?"

Draco and Hermione didn't bother to respond. They just waited for him to continue with annoyed expressions on their faces.

"Alright, I peeked in on them several times when I was involved in that pathetic fist fight. They've been quite busy."

"Well, what are they planning?" asked Hermione impatiently. "What kind of unsafe product are they going to use against us?"

"Something they call Battle in a Bag. They've completely ruined Mother's parlor, and they have a bunch of those Muggle gun thingies."

"They have guns?" Malfoy said with fear in his voice. "Fuck. They really are going to kill me."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "They are not going to kill you, Malfoy. Some guns are just for fun. They're toys. They shoot out paint or water. I'm sure it's one of those types. In fact, I think I saw one in my purple box." Hermione began digging in her box and pulled out a hot pink plastic gun.

Malfoy snatched it out of her hands and read the wording on the side of the gun. "Self-filling Aguamenti Gun."

"See. We're just going to have a water gun fight. That's not so bad. It might even be fun."

"Sometimes you are so naive, Granger," said Malfoy condescendingly. "I'm keeping this just in case though."

"Get your own gun," said Hermione, trying to grab it back.

Malfoy held it out of her reach. "No. I need this more than you do. You have a wand."

"You probably have a gun in your own purple box."

"I have a feeling I'm going to need all the help I can get."

"Fine. Keep the stupid gun. After all, it does match your hair," Hermione added vindictively.

Draco held up his pink gun and squirted her in the face. "You're right; that is fun."

Hermione pointed her wand and sent a stream of water at his face. "Told you so."

Malfoy, of course, retaliated with a shot to her chest. Hermione aimed her gun a little lower and then really hit below the belt with a comment about him needing to use the "little" boy's room. It soon turned into an all out war and when Regulus got hit with some stray shots (and some shots that were rather on purpose), he joined in the fun too. Regulus didn't mess around though, and before they knew it, they were all soaking wet. Hermione stood there dripping wet and laughing until she noticed both Regulus and Malfoy staring at her.

"What?"

"I think you're going to need these," said Malfoy, tossing a pair of underpants at her.

Hermione looked down at herself to see her dress clinging to her skin rather provocatively. She may as well have been naked because the wet, thin material did not leave much to the imagination. Embarrassed, she quickly did a drying spell and picked up the underpants that Malfoy had thrown at her. "Turn around," she ordered.

"It's not like we haven't seen it all before, Granger," said Malfoy, smirking at her.

Hermione glared and turned away from them. Holding up the underpants in one hand, she pointed her wand to transfigure them into a more suitable undergarment. But when she cast her spell, they turned into something slightly more slutty than what she was going for. Instead of the plain white cotton knickers she had intended, they were zebra striped and crotchless. And no matter what she did, they wouldn't turn back. After several failed attempts and several pairs of underpants, all she had to show for her troubles was a black leather thong that she was sure would chafe, several pairs that looked a lot like dental floss and were much more her mum's taste than her own, a skimpy white lacy pair held together by flimsy pink ribbons and some knickers that were made out of a material that suspiciously looked like candy. Cherry candy.

"Decisions, decisions," said Regulus, laughing at her.

"Turn them back. Now!"

"It wasn't me," said Regulus, innocently. "If you need an opinion though, I like the edible ones. I wouldn't mind a little snack about now."

"Knock yourself out," said Hermione, throwing the edible undies at him. "What about you, Malfoy. Which ones do you like?" she asked sarcastically.

"I think they're all, er, pretty good," said Malfoy awkwardly, clearing his throat. He couldn't seem to stop staring at the ones with the tantalizing pink ribbons on the sides though. From the look on his face, Hermione was pretty sure he was imagining what it would be like to tug on those tempting pink ribbons

Not taking her eyes off of Malfoy, she picked up the sexy knickers by one of the pale pink ribbons, letting them dangle back and forth for a hypnotic moment before provocatively slipping them on under her dress. She could have sworn she heard his breath catch in his throat when she was sliding them up her legs. Smirking at him, she walked over to her dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and put them on as well. She then pointed her wand at her dress and transfigured it into an over-sized sweatshirt to complete her ensemble. After all, she was going to a battle not an orgy. Well, hopefully anyway. She was still wearing the diadem.

"Well, that ended up being rather anticlimactic," grumbled Regulus, taking a big bite out of the edible undies.

"You can't wear that," Malfoy said adamantly, looking her up and down in disgust.

"Why not?"

"It's ugly."

"So?"

"So, I wanted you on my team for a reason, Granger."

"I know. For my brains. I don't see why..."

"Not for your brains," scoffed Malfoy. "For your tits."

"What!"

"I need a diversion. Something to distract the Weasley twits. That sweatsuit isn't going to cut it. It's not sexy at all. You can't even tell you're female in that thing. Take it off."

"No! I can wear what I want."

"I wasn't asking, Granger. It's a command. Take it off."

"You can't tell me what to do, Malfoy."

"Yes, I can. You agreed."

"You can't command me to take off my clothes. I said nothing immoral."

"I'm not ordering you to walk around naked. I just want you to change into something that looks a little less like a sack."

"I will not be objectified."

"Spare me your feminist ideals. This is war. We all have to do stuff that we're not proud of."

"Oh, yeah? What are you doing that you're not proud of?"

"Participating."

"Fine," said Hermione, not wanting to argue anymore. "I'm not wearing anything slutty though."

Malfoy walked over to her wardrobe and started rifling through her clothes. After several noises of disgust and a few disparaging comments on her taste, he finally pulled out a white shirt and plaid skirt. Throwing them at her he said, "Here. Put these on."

Hermione looked at the garments skeptically. "You want me to wear my school uniform?"

"Yes," Malfoy replied confidently.

"Bloody genius," said Regulus from the wall.

Hermione rolled her eyes but nevertheless she walked over to her dresser and pulled out her knee socks and a simple beige bra. The bra promptly disappeared from her hand.

"No bra," said Regulus, twirling his wand in his hand.

"Definitely not," agreed Malfoy. He tried not to smile. "But you can keep the knickers."

"For now." Regulus laughed.

"You want me to go to a water gun fight wearing a white shirt and no bra? That's, that's..."

"Brilliant?"

"Jerk off worthy?"

"Stupid! Completely stupid!"

"Look, Granger. I don't like to admit this, but the Weasley twins are evil geniuses. I know you're the smartest witch of the age, blah, blah, blah. But you're too much of a goody goody to compete with them. However, with my Slytherin sensibilities and your, um, breasts, I might have a chance of getting out of this in one piece."

"Slytherin sensibilities," Hermione sneered. "What are you going to do? Hide behind my beasts?"

"Don't be silly, Granger. They're not that big."

Hermione scowled. "You're not even going to try to win, are you? You are such a bloody coward," Hermione said, turning to walk away.

"The Malfoys always were a bunch of cowards," said Regulus to Hermione's back. "Not unlike Mudbloods in that respect."

Hermione stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around. Glaring at Regulus, she took a deep breath and determinedly marched up to Malfoy and kicked him hard in the shin.

"Ow! What the fuck was that for?"

"Ask Regulus," snapped Hermione, grabbing her black Mary Janes and slamming the door behind her.

When Malfoy looked at him questioningly, Regulus said, "Well, I think maybe she was trying to tell you something, but unlike you, she was having a little trouble spitting it out."

"And what exactly was she trying to say that required kicking me in the shin?" asked Malfoy angrily.

Regulus shrugged. "Lurf hurts?"

Malfoy scowled at him.

Regulus sighed. "You two are so fucking helpless. You're lucky I'm such a God damn fucking romantic. You heard what she said before. She's in lurf with an annoying, Slytherin prat. I don't know this Goyle chap, but I'd say you certainly qualify. What do you think?"

After a moment's thought, it finally clicked and Malfoy smiled. "I think I owe you one."

"Aww. Are you going to give me my very own Mudblood to lurf?"

"No, I was going to give you this," said Malfoy, punching him hard in the face.

"Ow, son of a bitch!" yelled Regulus, clutching his face.

"But now that you mention it, I might know a pureblood you'd be interested in," said Malfoy, still looking at the fist he had just used to hit Regulus.

Regulus tenderly rubbed his jaw and glared at him. "Oh, so now you want to set me up?" he said sarcastically, still disgruntled about Malfoy hitting him.

"Maybe." Malfoy shrugged.

"And why would you suddenly want to play matchmaker?" asked Regulus suspiciously.

"Believe it or not, I happen to know another annoying painting that I wouldn't mind getting rid of."

"Keep talking," said Regulus, getting interested despite himself.

"It's some bloody witch that pissed Mother off, and now I have to pass by her every time I have to go to the bathroom. She's just hanging around Malfoy Manor being useless. Kind of like you in that respect. You're perfect for one another."

"Is she related?" .

"She's not your long lost sister if that's what you're asking."

"Good enough for me," said Regulus, smiling wickedly. "I suppose you want something in return. You are a Slytherin after all."

"I want the last Horcrux," said Malfoy, trying to act casual.

"What!"

"You heard me, said Malfoy, looking annoyed at having to repeat himself. "I want the last Horcrux. And in exchange, I'll hook you up."

"And I should trust you why exactly?" asked Regulus, narrowing his eyes.

"Because I'm willing to do an Unbreakable Vow if you want me to."

"You must really want that Horcrux," said Regulus, observing him closely.

"No, she really wants that Horcrux. I want... I want you to leave her alone."

"Hmmm, I don't know," said Regulus being difficult. "Hermione is one fine piece of Mudblood ass. How do I know this pureblood is going to be worth it?"

"She's a slut. Kind of why she's in the predicament she's in."

"Enough said. You have yourself a deal," said Regulus, holding out his hand. "I suppose this means you're going to fight now."

Shaking Regulus's hand a little harder than was needed, Malfoy said, "That's the plan. The Weasleys are going down."

"I meant fight for her."

Malfoy picked up the backpack with the chickens and slung it over his shoulder. "So did I," he said with a determined glint in his eye.

"Malfoy!" yelled Hermione from the hallway. "Get the fuck out here and help me. Those Weasley twins aren't going to Avada themselves."

"Lurf calls," said Regulus sarcastically.

"You bet your ass it does," replied Malfoy, smirking at Regulus before yelling, "Coming, dear."

When he finally joined her in the hallway, Hermione was standing in her school uniform with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face. "That spell wore off, you know. You can call me a bitch if you want to."

"I know, but I've found it's a lot more fun this way."

"You mean more annoying," muttered Hermione.

"That's what I said."

"Whatever. Are we going to chuck some chickens or what?"

"Just one thing first." He gently fingered one of her curls and then suddenly yanked on it.

"Ow! Did you just fucking pull my hair?"

Malfoy smirked at her. "Just returning the sentiment."

Hermione's mouth dropped open.

"After you, dear," said Malfoy, bowing mockingly and giving her a mischievous wink. "Let's go kick some Weasley ass."