Hello. This chapter is for Krows and Symphony (who called me a pansy and lived to tell the tale, blergh.)
Rest all of you, shame on you! You cannot even write a line to make a man happy?
Anyway, I will keep trying to write and post despite this severest of all the severe blows to my already fragile ego : Indifference.
Happy reading!
Chapter 51
His tent was dark. Either he was asleep which was a remote possibility at best because of the hour and air of festivity in the camp or he was not there. I did not knock at his door just in case he was asleep.
Office was vacant too. Radar was gone and so was Col. Potter. Both could be anywhere and BJ was right, it really was cold outside.
Next bet was the mess tent but BJ had said it was closed for the night. I still decided to take a peek. The lights were still on so I decided to check it out first before going to O-club which was colder than the rest of the tent despite a free flow of liquid heat indoors.
Radar was sitting in the mess tent, having dinner. As usual, his tray was a buffet of muck they so fondly called food.
I got myself a cup of coffee from the urn lying on the heater.
"Hi!"
"Hello Hawkeye." His mouth was full and he was attacking food with a vengeance. Sometimes, I envied him, like right now.
"Dinner?"
"Yeah. Want some?"
"Thanks. I think I will pass."
"You look thin."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You should eat."
"When did I abdicate my parental rights to you?"
"I am serious, Hawkeye."
"No kidding!"
"Col. Potter is worried."
"He is old and prone to worry!"
"Hawkeye!" Radar admonished me. Argh, even kids...
"You can tell him I won't keel over a patient!"
"Huh?"
"Nothing. Where is the old buzzard, by the way? I needed to talk to him."
"Probably Officers' club. They are having a party there. I am going there after dinner."
"I saw BJ in Swamp. Think he isn't coming."
"You aren't there either."
"I did not know. And I am no fun if I cannot drink."
"BJ did not tell you?"
"Uh huh."
"Something is not right with him, Hawkeye." He said between forkfuls.
"Ya think!"
"First I thought it was the whole peacetalk thing. Then, I thought it was cz of closeness to Christmas. First Christmas can be hard."
"I don't remember mine except I was drunk out of my skull."
"You are different, Hawkeye. And, its not just Christmas with BJ. Something else is wrong too. You think I don't know about his mailcall? And all that extra work with you being sick n' all."
"Yeah, thanks for reminding me how its my fault BJ and everybody else had to do extra work."
"Well, not everybody else. Just surgeons and nurses."
"Potter could have asked for an extra hand from I-Corps. I am sick of everybody laying it all on me about all the extra work everybody had to do. One man cannot possibly be held responsible for everybody's exhaustion and mess ups."
Radar just looked at me thoughtfully for a few seconds before indulging in his gastronomic adventure.
"Nobody blamed you, Hawkeye!"
He said with his mouth full.
My coffee was finished.
"I am going to the party." I told Radar before leaving.
"I will come after dinner." He was still avoiding my gaze.
"Alright." And with that, I left the mess tent.
It was time to talk to the commander. I was getting tired of the insinuations and the outright sorrowful disdain I was shown. It was like I had conspired with NK to fall sick so 4077 would crumble to its ashes.
This is the virus talking.
NO! This is the 4077 talking, damnit!
I was angry again. And tired. These were not moodswings as I had assumed earlier. Nothing was making sense to me. It was like everybody who mattered had turned impervious to common logic. All my efforts at explaining were falling on deaf ears. I felt everybody was questioning my intentions and sincerity. I knew that it was a common practice. Somehow, I left somethings to be desired when it came to showing my good intentions or sincerity to those I did care about but it was never a mass-hysteria kinda thing before. These days, everybody I knew was doubting me. It was affecting me more than I expected.
Temperature had dropped another few degrees during those few minutes I spent with Radar. I shivered slightly as the cold wind hit me. This was already looking like a bad winter in the making.
O-Club was in full swing. Loud music with louder soldiers made it look like one cool party. I tried to look for Col. Potter and found him sitting in the back corner, sipping on a bourban with lots of ice. That was a strange sight.
I walked through the crowd. He saw me and waved me over.
"Hello Colonel!" I landed myself on a chair opposite him.
"Hello Pierce. Good to see ya here even if you cannot have fun."
"Who says I cannot?" I asked mischievously. He smiled.
"Hunnicut not coming?"
"Not so sure, Col. He was kinda occupied when I left."
"Rough few weeks for him, I would say."
"Thats what I wanted to talk about even if its a waste of time now."
"That never stopped you before. Why start now?" His voice was not even slurring.
"How come you are not drinking like you usually do?"
"Because of the promise HQ made to me."
"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically.
"Casualties can start rolling in anytime. I cannot get carried away when I am short one hand. But you did not come all the way here to drink and enjoy the party. And certainly not to ask why I was not drinking."
I stayed quiet, hearing the same thing fourth time in less than half an hour. Part of me burned with guilt and another with anger.
"What is it, son?"
"Colonel. I want to ask you something. And this time, I want a serious answer." I stopped myself from saying honest and used the second best choice that came to my mind.
"Serious answer? What do you...Go on." Col. Potter started off somewhat heatedly before cooling down just as quickly.
"When I asked you to stay, when I got sick, you knew the possibility of heavy casualties. I mean look around us. We are in the middle of a war. You knew that not seeking a replacement would mean extra burden for BJ and Frank."
"And me!"
"Huh?"
"Extra burden for me too. But carry on." Was he attempting to lighten up the mood?
"So why did you not ask for a replacement? I know now that my leaving or staying has nothing to do with that even if BJ and Frank and everybody else and his uncle thinks that I am the reason you could not get a replacement surgeon."
"I did."
"Huh?" What the hell was wrong with him, giving short, cryptic answers?
"I asked for a replacement surgeon, Pierce." He solemnly declared while pondering on the melting ice in his glass.
"Oh..." That came as a surprise. Radar hadn't told me that.
"Yeah. The first night we got casualties, I knew we were in way over our heads."
"How so? BJ did triage. I saw him." I remembered him looking at me that night.
"Yeah, but triage was not the only thing. Hunnicut, good as he is, is new. He took longer at triage than usual when you and him do it together. And then, in the OR, I was short one hand. My most dependable and experienced hand! That alone caused huge delays and we almost lost a few patients."
"So why didn't yout get the surgeon?" I ignored the implied praise. It only added to the anger and guilt I was feeling already.
"I tried. They shot me down. It takes a month at least. Mostly, units get short handed only if surgeon is rotated out of the unit and that is planned so replacement is easy. Even when a surgeon gets injured or killed, replacement is relatively quicker, takes 2-3 weeks. But right now, with the big push coming in, they staffed the units with lower proficiency ratings with all the extra hands they could spare. We could not get anybody before second week of December."
"But you are getting one soon, right?"
"No. I took back my request."
"Why?" And to think I was blamed for something which wasn't even my fault to begin with.
"Because you are back to work. Keeping you here was not just good for you. It was good for me too."
"How so?" I asked crossly.
"Because I knew that if I needed a hand, I could count on you." He looked at me this time.
"Uh huh." I felt deflated now.
"So when can you be ready?"
"To operate?" That came from far left.
"No. To do bronco busting." He shook his head.
"Bronco...You mean you are seriously asking me? After what you said yesterday?"
"I always pegged you as a smart man. Don't try to prove me wrong. Its too late in the game." He was having fun. At my expense.
"Monday?" I said tentatively, knowing I was exaggerating it a bit. If today was any indicator of my physical prowess, I was not fit for an OR stint for another week at least. Not the shifts we had gotten used to anyway.
"Not working the weekends? What kinda practice you runnin' son?" He was baiting me. I knew it from his smile. I rose to the bait.
"I can do it today, Col. I am surprised you asked."
"I know. Why didn't you come for dinner?" Where did that come from?
"I wasn't hungry."
"Wrong answer!" He stared at me.
"I wasn't, Colonel."
"I told Hunnicut to wake you up." Slightly admonishing tone. Whom for? I wondered.
"Yeah. He did."
"I know he did. When I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done, Pierce." He spoke meaningfully before returning to sipping his drink.
"OK!" I did not know what else to say. He had a point but among other things, this chaneling of my mother was getting old. They needed me to work, I knew I could work and that was all that mattered.
"I have seen grown surgeons keel over their patients, sometimes injuring the patient and sometimes, injuring themselves. Exhaustion is a surgeon's worst enemy!"
"I didn't know that." I answered him, knowing now where he was going with this latest line of questions and statements.
"Good. Now you do! Mess tent is open. Get something to eat and get some rest. I need you back soon as possible, son. Now go!"
"Are you dismissing me?"
"What does it look like?"
"Like you are dismissing me?"
"Then that's exactly what I am doing. Goodnight Pierce."
"'Night Colonel." And with that I left the club.
So he had asked for a surgeon and did not get one. BJ and Potter being overworked was not my fault. I was cleared. Why did it not make me feel any better?
Maybe it was time to have another man to man with BJ.
P.S. I am lowering my expectations again. I won't expect reviews or feedback. This time, I am sure I won't be disappointed, argh!
