The unread email alert on Smithy's new laptop was tempting. He'd only brought it into the station because he'd picked it up from the shop on the way to work, and it was too valuable to leave in the car even in Sun Hill's carpark; only set it up because it was a slow, wet, day and the possibilities of playing games or surfing the net were infinitely more tempting than checking through the mounds of paperwork. He managed to restrain his curiosity about who was using his personal account - one that had been almost unused since Kerry's death - until he'd checked through Tony Stamp's forms. The next lot were Reg's and that was too much to face.
The one email that wasn't junk was from Mickey; he recognised the address from the days when he and Mickey had spent ages sending each other filthy jokes or dodgy pictures. Smithy found his breath catching as he waited for it to open. It had been so long since he'd heard from Mickey - Michael - that he'd almost convinced himself that he wouldn't speak to his one time friend again.
"Smithy, hope you're okay and that you aint changed address. You still working over there? This is an invite I'm getting married, 3rd of May over at Dagenham Church. I'd like you to be there. Her names Liz, she's a sergeant here at NCS, she's very pretty. Dont worry, its not going to be very formal. Bring Kerry with you if you want, I'd love to see her again."
Oh, shit, Mickey, you don't know about that. No-one thought to let you know. I had problems but I guess I should have let you know - maybe you would have come over or something.
"I know you know bout me and Jack, and I hope you wont tell him, because its not the sort of thing that he needs to know about. Please, Smithy I'm asking you as a mate to come along and not to tell him; I can't bear him knowing, he'll be happier if he doesn't know. He knows sort of where I am if he ever wants to get in touch with me or anything and he decided that he didn't want to so this is the best way I think.
"PS What the hell happened with your Hammers last Saturday? The mob I'm playing with now could have stuffed them. Could have done it on my own actually."
Smithy logged off immediately, not interested now in anything he could possibly find on the net, and pillowed his head on his arms, trying to come to terms with the news. He remembered seeing Michael kissing Jack when the older man had been in hospital; the looks on both their faces - one of the deepest, most innocent displays of love that he could remember seeing. Meadows, standing there just after they'd arrested Delaney, holding Mickey close against him and defying anyone else to comment on it. Mickey at Sun Hill, always linked with Meadows in the minds of the relief. They'd been two sides of the same coin, a unit even before they'd been lovers. He couldn't image how either of them could forge a life without that, or that either of them would be willing to even try.
He knew that he ought to feel glad for Mickey but all he could feel was sadness for Meadows and the loss of the love they'd so plainly shared. Mickey had given up on something that Smithy longed to regain; he could admit, to himself, that he was jealous as well as hurting.
Smithy met Meadows for a drink late that night; something that had become almost routine recently. It had started in the run-up to Christmas, when they'd both been missing Kerry and Mickey with an intentness that hurt. The company and understanding hadn't helped, but...they pretended it did, that something might make a difference to how they felt because neither of them could live with the truth of it.
Tonight, in the January chill of a Friday night, the Dog and Gun was so packed that Smithy couldn't have made the DCI hear about the wedding even if he'd wanted to. He wasn't sure if he did or not, whether Mickey was right that it was better for Jack not to know. For now, he was trusting to Mickey's judgement, as he'd known Meadows better and for longer.
'You alright, Dale?' Meadows used his given name sometimes, either when he thought something was seriously wrong or he was trying to wind him up. Smithy knew what it was for tonight; knew that the DCI had always been shrewd enough to be able to second guess Mickey when he was trying to conceal anything.
'Yeah, fine…You try getting the relief to go out and patrol in this weather - I'm up to here in excuses at the moment. And every one's worse than the previous one. Been a bloody hard day. And the paperwork...' He lied easily, if regretfully, to his friend. 'No more than that. There's nothing else wrong.'
Meadows looked at him sceptically but accepted it. I wonder if you learnt that off of Mickey or if he learnt it off of you, trying to lie to me like that. Both of you, just the same look in your eyes when you're doing it, and neither of you any good, and I'm sorry that you think you have to. Whatever it is, you could tell me. Except that I forced Mickey to tell me what he didn't want me to know, and he never forgave me, so I wouldn't do that to anyone else, ever. Whatever I find out, it wouldn't be worth what I have to do to get it.
Smithy stared out through the window, losing himself in the darkness. To choose between Mickey's friendship and Jack's...how could he make that decision for both of them? No, he'd have to do what Mickey had requested and keep quiet, hope that he told Meadows eventually and freely.
'You sure, Smithy?'
'Yeah. Everything's fine.'
