A/N: Phew! Have been very busy lately what with exams and a new job to boot, but I'm finally back to updating this. I promise that I fully intend to have this story up in full before DH comes out, so expect the updates to be thick and fast over the next few months.
Thank you once again to all those wonderful people that are reviewing. It means more to me than you all know to have people enjoying this as much as I do.
Back to the story: will Remus let himself have what he thinks he wants?
Thanks to Meg and Rosie who help me so much with this.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling created the wonderful world of Hogwarts and all the characters. I didn't. No need to sue.
As they entered the Astronomy Tower, Remus found that neither of them could initially speak. The climb up the many flights of stairs had, somehow, not become easier over the years - as much as the Astronomy teacher in their first year had assured them that it would - and as Remus pushed open the door to the room that he knew would be empty, he was surprised that Eleanor still had any breath left to speak at all as she turned to him and said, "When you said that we should go somewhere to talk, I was thinking somewhere just down the hallway…"
"Oh, right…" Remus glanced around, the gentle ticking of the golden apparatus filling the momentary silence that descended between them. This was the first place he had thought of when he realised that they would need to be alone. This was, after all, the place that, in the past, had always fit the bill. Yet suddenly Remus felt embarrassed at sharing this place with her. They'd been climbing the stairs in silence for longer than Remus would have wanted and now that they had arrived at their destination, Remus couldn't help but feel horribly pathetic as he watched Eleanor's eyes follow the orbs that were gently dancing on the air.
"I'm sorry," Remus suddenly apologised and Eleanor, raising an eyebrow as though she didn't understand, shrugged and shook her head before saying, "Don't be sorry, it's alright. It's kind of nice here, isn't it?" Eleanor smiled, her eyes once again drawn to the clicking machinery. "I mean, you don't really notice it in lesson times, do you? I'm always just desperately trying to stay awake…" Remus laughed at this and Eleanor rewarded him with a smile. "But now, with no-one here, it's sort of…beautiful?"
Remus nodded, enthused by the fact that Eleanor was seeing the Astronomy Tower as the sanctuary he had always considered it to be. Without thinking, Remus held out his hand to Eleanor and, as soon as he felt her take it, he began to guide her up the spiralling staircase to the balcony above.
"I've always found it comforting to come here and just sit listening to the machines. I think it's fascinating to have all this equipment that is so precise in measuring something that's always changing. I don't really like Astronomy as a subject; as you said, it's kind of boring…" They had reached the upper level, yet Remus had forgotten to let go of Eleanor's hand. Instead, he continued to speak as though he was helpless to keep the words from flowing; the potent combination of the gentle stillness of the tower and the warmth of the optimistic early spring sun causing him to forget the awkwardness that was, surely, supposed to exist between them. "But I've always enjoyed coming here to be alone, to think."
"You're really not like other boys, are you?" Eleanor said, and Remus immediately stopped talking and moved to withdraw his hand. Yet Eleanor grasped it firmly so he could not retract it and, tutting impatiently and shaking her head, she laughed before saying, "I meant it in a good way. I like it…that's what I meant."
Remus stammered something that sounded like a thanks before finally drawing his hand away from hers to sit down with his back against one of the large sandstone pillars. Eleanor followed suit and both were surprised to find the stone beneath them had been warmed by the sun.
"So, how was the test?"
Remus turned, a little confused that she should be aware of a test that she had not taken.
"I heard some others from your class talking about it. Hard, was it? Slughorn can be tough sometimes…"
"It was alright, actually. I only ever get really worried about tests when I haven't revised."
"And you don't strike me as someone who doesn't revise."
Remus blushed, again embarrassed by his complete lack of mystery. Was he really so transparent? He was relatively new to all this; to sitting and talking to a girl that, for all he knew, could be his girlfriend without him knowing it. All he really had to go on was the fleeting feelings he had had for girls in the past; feelings that had embarrassed him and made him feel uncomfortable; feelings he had swiftly learned to ignore. Of course, there was always James as an example; James and his constant, unwavering devotion to a girl who had for years claimed that she despised him. Maybe the way Lily and James were with one another was a better example of how he should be behaving, yet the more Remus thought about it, the more convinced he became that maybe they were not a suitable point for comparison.
And - of course - there was always Sirius. Remus winced inwardly at the thought of Sirius being a model he should follow in his conduct with the opposite sex. Sirius who had, only an hour ago, made it implicitly clear that constancy and monogamy were not things that he made any effort to practice. Remus shifted and stared fixedly at his hands as he placed them on his knees. Clearly, when it came to his friends setting any kind of romantic example, the cause was, well and truly, a lost one.
"So…" Eleanor ventured finally, breaking the silence that had dragged out for far too long between them. Remus glanced up and saw that Eleanor had cocked her head to one side and was now giving him a peculiar look. Uncomfortable, Remus looked away to the orbs that were gently floating on the air below them. He could tell by the way Eleanor shimmied a little closer that there was no way to escape whatever was going to follow.
"Are we…are we going to talk about what happened?"
Remus swallowed hard, but didn't succeed in clearing his throat, and nodded silently. Eleanor gave a small laugh, which caused Remus to turn to look at her and see as she slipped her hands inside the sleeves of her jumper. "You just don't seem very talkative."
"No, no." Remus' voice was impatient as it suddenly dawned on him that if he wasn't very careful then he could lose that which he'd always thought he would never have. "I just feel like…" Remus paused, uncertain whether or not Eleanor would want to listen to what he had to say. Yet she had not interrupted or lost her temper as before. Instead, she had leant towards him, her eyes fixed on his face, imploring him to carry on; her very silence encouraging. Taking a deep breath, Remus nodded slowly before continuing, "I just feel like what happened between us was just so…so…"
"So what?" Eleanor asked nervously. She had lost all the awkward agitation of earlier and now, as she sat beside him, Remus felt even more uncomfortable than he had when she'd approached him in front of his friends. Here, there would be no distractions. Here, they were entirely alone, a fact of which Remus now became horribly aware. As he saw the way Eleanor's lips curled at the corners into an optimistic smile, Remus found himself shaking his head. A strange notion suddenly seized him: that this was not real; that these things were not happening to him and he would blink and find himself listening to a story being told by another boy in his year. How he had succeeded in attracting the attentions of the pretty, blonde-haired Ravenclaw Chaser, and managed to hold her interest despite every effort being made to cock it up, was beyond him; and when he felt Eleanor reach down in an attempt to take his hand in hers, Remus' uneasy laughter broke the silence as he moved his hand away.
"What is it?" Eleanor's smile had disappeared and now her face held a curious look of concern Remus hadn't encountered before. This was not the concern of a teacher or guardian; nor the reprimanding concern of a parent. Nor was it the concern of a friend, who is unsure and uneasy in their attempts to comfort. This concern was something else entirely and, as Remus lifted his eyes to watch the dust dance in the afternoon sunlight, he couldn't help but laugh again before, pounding the ground beside him in frustration, he turned back to Eleanor and said, "This just all feels so odd! I can't help but listen to the voices in my head that keep telling me that these sorts of things don't happen to me!"
She nodded slowly and pushed an idle lock of hair behind her ear, then sighed heavily before venturing, "Do you think that maybe…" She hesitated and Remus found himself holding his breath, waiting for her to continue. "Don't you think that perhaps you're thinking like that because you don't want these things to happen?"
Her voice had been uncertain and all at once Remus felt guilty. He had never meant to confuse her with his insecure ramblings. He had never intended to make her feel uncomfortable or as uncertain as he felt himself. Maybe Sirius was right; maybe his way of thinking was contagious. His self-doubt could be paralysing sometimes and yet - Remus thought back to the day below the tree; the day he had kissed her in the rain. He hadn't let the moment escape him and it had been he, Remus Lupin, who had reached out and kissed her.
Eleanor had not spoken since she had asked the question and she was now staring at the ground in silence. Remus couldn't help but notice that she looked a little tired; some of the joyful flightiness had disappeared from her eyes. A certain amount of confidence seemed to be, if only momentarily, escaping her. She appeared a little changed from the girl he had first met beneath the canopy beside the Quidditch pitch and the sharp, stabbing pain in Remus' stomach appeared to be suggesting that maybe it had something to do with him.
Eleanor turned as she felt Remus take her hand in his and squeeze it, his thumb pressing reassuringly against her palm. She exhaled deeply and Remus realised for the first time that she, too, had been holding her breath. Her eyes, all at once, were more hopeful and her optimism was evident as she said tentatively, "I think…or hope that you like me, Remus. However much you might curl in on yourself when you're with your friends; whatever you might say to me. I think…" She paused as she slipped her fingers between his and clasped his hand tight. "…I know that you like me."
"Yes," Remus said breathlessly. "Yes, I do."
Eleanor smiled and Remus' heart tightened within his chest as he realised just how attractive he found her. Her hair was now shorter than when he last saw her, but it still tumbled down over her shoulders in pleasant waves. Her complexion was clear and her cheeks were a little flushed; and Remus found that he was transfixed by the way Eleanor pressed her lips together and gently kissed the back of his hand.
It was then that Remus laughed, the tension forgotten and relief flooding over him, dampening whatever guilt or uncertainty he had previously been feeling. The worry of the weeks since he had seen her evaporated, the stress and strain that had weighed heavily upon him since his argument with Sirius disappeared and as he allowed himself to laugh, Remus felt, for perhaps the first time in his life, just how ridiculous all his anxiety actually was.
"So," Remus said, eventually managing to control his laughter. He smiled, resting back against the pillar they were sitting beside. "What do we do now?"
Eleanor drew breath and, after shrugging aimlessly, she raised an eyebrow, smiled and said, "We talk."
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