Chapter 51

James shut the door tight behind him and watched as Lily led her grandfather up a set of stairs. Petunia and Vernon headed into the kitchen of the house he had spent Christmas day in. He watched as the man helped his wife into her seat before heading over to a cupboard. James leaned against the counter as four tumblers were brought out and a bottle of scotch.

Vernon poured sizeable measures and handed one to James before giving Petunia hers. He lifted one in his hand as Lily wandered into the room. As she moved to wrap herself around James Vernon slipped her a glass. The four stood silently together each lost in their own minds.

James couldn't imagine what the others were thinking. His own thoughts were on the death he had just witnessed. It was something completely different to the ones he'd seen before. There was no honour in this death. The man had been stripped of his identity and slowly slipped further away each day. James found himself thankful for the first time that both his parents had met their ends quickly. He couldn't imagine knowing that death was coming the way Dudley had.

He realised that the man who had just died had been as brave as all those that had been lost in the war. Tad had died fighting to save the lives of the students around him. Thomas Scott had died protecting his wife and son; they had been targeted because of the role they played in fighting. Ginny's death had been because people had stood up against Death Eaters, hell even his mother and father had died fighting. But so had Dudley.

It was a different kind of fight than James was use to but equally important. He had been fighting to survive. He had been told that he would die of a disease and yet he had survived an extra two years. Those two years had been because of his determination. He hadn't been ready to give up and go. And wasn't that what they were fighting for? Weren't they fighting for the right to live just as he had?

His grip tightened around Lily's body as she rested her head on his shoulder. She was shattered he could feel it flowing from her. She hadn't slept in over twenty four hours and had just been through something emotionally draining. He wanted to take her up to bed and tuck her beneath the sheets and tell her that she would survive. She was from a family that fought for survival. But somehow he couldn't find the words.

"Is Pa sleeping?"

Petunia's voice was husky and showed that she was as tired as Lily. The red head turned to look at her older sister and made a strange sighing sound.

"I made him take the pill the doctors gave him and he went out almost instantly."

"He needs his rest."

They fell silent again. James felt sorry for the old man upstairs. He had lost his son and that went against nature. Parents were not suppose to bury their children. In an ideal world the parent would go first. That didn't make it easier on anybody but to know that you outlived the person you loved the most in the world, someone who lived because of you. That must be hard. James wondered if the old man would recover from the blow.

"Tuney –"

"Don't call me that."

James saw the way Vernon's eyes widened at that. But he didn't comment.

"Petunia I think you should go lie on the bed."

"No I can't. I have to phone Uncle Tony and the neighbours to tell them what has happened. Then I need to start organising the funeral –"

"I'll phone Tony and the neighbours for you. As for the rest you can't do any of that until Pa gets up and you know it. He'll want it to be you Lily and him organising it. So why don't you go get some rest."

"But –"

James watched as Vernon took his wife's arm and led her out of the room. When they were alone James kissed the top of Lily's head and spoke softly.

"You should get some sleep too."

"I don't think I can."

"Come on I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."

Lily didn't argue and started to pull James out of the kitchen. They walked up the stairs and into a small room. It was almost empty with a few pieces here and there. James realised that they were items Lily had failed to take back to Hogwarts. He noticed a few spell books in the corner and an old cauldron. Then his focus shifted to the bed.

Lily simply pulled the blankets back and climbed in. She tapped the spot next to her for James and reluctantly he climbed in next to her. She curled her body towards him and placed her head on his chest.

"I can't believe this has really happened."

Her voice was so soft that had there been a tiny sound he would have missed it. Wrapping his arms around her he spoke the only words of comfort he could find.

"It's always unexpected. No matter if you know the end is coming you can never prepare yourself for that moment."

"How do you go on?"

He closed his eyes and thought of his own experiences and shook his head.

"We both know it's difficult but time doesn't stop. Death is something that just keeps on coming and all we can do is stop for a moment and remember the person that we've lost. We remember the good times and we put them in a part of our heart where they can live on. Then we go on and survive."

"I wish there could have been something I could have done."

"You did everything you could Lily. You were there when he needed you. You gave him love and the strength that he needed to fight."

"But he couldn't win."

James sighed and pulled her tighter to him.

"I think that there are times when we fight knowing that we'll never win. Your father fought heroically against the cancer so that he could have more time with the people that he loved. So that he could give them support when they needed it. He knew that he couldn't win but that didn't stop him fighting. And to me that makes him as brave as Tad and all the others that fought not knowing if they'd be able to win."

Lily made no sound to that. He thought that maybe she had fallen asleep. Then her voice sounded really small.

"I don't think its something that is comparable James. My father was physically ill and he had no choice but to fight because if he gave up that would be it. With the people killed by fighting they have the choice to do it or not."

James stroked Lily's hair as he thought about the best way he could word this. It was very difficult to explain his thoughts on this matter.

"I think it's the same thing Lily, I honestly do. And it's hard for me to explain but your father he had the opportunity to say I don't want to fight. But he couldn't because he wanted to live and I think that's why people fight in the wizarding world. I think they do it because they can't imagine sitting back and not at least trying everything they can to make their lives better. And that's what your father was doing. I believe that if he was a wizard he'd be on the front line fighting with Dumbledore for everyone."

Lily moved and he felt her hold him tighter as if something frightened her. He held her watching as her eyes closed. Maybe she was so tired that she would go to sleep there and this would be a conversation that they could have later.

"I wish he had been a wizard."

"There was nothing wrong with him being a muggle Lily. I know that certain people are hard on you because you're from a muggle background but your dad was a great man and from what I know of him he loved his life in the muggle world."

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that wizards don't die from cancer. If he was a wizard he'd still be here."

"You can't know that."

"Why not?"

"Because wizards die."

"Not when they haven't even reached their fifties they don't. The only time they die young is in battles. Wizards don't die from diseases."

"But they do Lily that's why we have Healers. Sure it's not the same diseases as muggles tend to get but we still get ill. We still die because not everything can be healed. I mean Frank's father died from something one of his patients had. And what's to say that your father wouldn't have been killed fighting. He could have been targeted if he was a wizard just because he was your father. Or he could have been out there fighting and gotten killed that way. The truth is Lily muggle or wizard it doesn't make a difference."

"I would have been able to share more with him."

He could hear tears in her voice now.

"He loved you Lily and he knew that he was part of your life. And I'm sure he knew enough."

"He barely knew anything about the wizarding world James. And I hate to admit it but there's been a drift between us. I think that he was closer with Petunia now than he was with me because he could understand all aspects of her life. Because he could see her or speak to her whenever he wanted. I've been removed from him for so long and I wish now that maybe I could have been closer to home so that I could have been with him more."

James leaned forward and kissed Lily's forehead.

"Your father was extremely proud of you Lily. He understood that you have a gift that meant you needed to be away from him so that you could learn to control it. He knew that you loved him, that you were happy and that you were where you belonged. And I think you should stop worrying about that because the most important thing was the fact that he knew that you love him and that will never change."

Silence fell between them for a while. James shifted slightly and looked down at the girl who was wrapped around him. She looked as if she was made to fit beside him in that way. Any other time and he would have thought that this was the best thing ever. But today wasn't a day to get excited about sharing a bed with the girl that he possibly loved. This was about being there for a friend who was going through something he understood.

"I'm an orphan now."

It was a strange thing to say and James didn't know how to reply for a moment. Then he made a strange sound that sounded slightly like a laugh. He felt Lily move and when he looked at her green eyes littered with tears were staring at him.

"There's a few of us now Lily. You, me, Alice and Joe we're all orphans. And I suppose if you were to ask Sirius and Amanda they could well claim to be as well."

"How do you cope James?"

"I'm old enough to take care of myself and although I hate the fact my parents are gone I know I can survive. I've got all I need from them inside me and I keep going."

Lily's head came back down onto James' chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around her. He listened to the soft sound of her breathing. After about ten minutes he thought that she must be asleep. Slowly he attempted to peel her off of him. Just as he was about to slip out of the bed he heard her voice.

"Please will you stay?"

He turned and kneeled next to the bed gently stroking her hair.

"I thought you were asleep."

"Please stay."

"I need to go back to Hogwarts and explain what has happened to Dumbledore. I'll tell him that you are going to stay here until after the funeral and then return to the school. But I'll stay until you're asleep and I promise that I'll be back before you wake up."