Blood Tithe

Chapter Forty-Seven

Han hadn't slept all night, even after having run all the way back to the pasture, which was easily a two mile stretch. Somehow he simply wasn't tired enough.

Lyra had been awake when he arrived, saw and even sensed the dismay in him, but didn't ask as to the cause. She had her suspicions, and thus remained silent as her father cleaned himself, washing away the body paint and sweat of the evening. This took longer than you might think as he found himself lingering on the smudged hand prints on his chest.

Afterwards, the two sat on the sofa, Lyra on his right that he might put his arm around her, hold her close. She fell asleep this way, while Han remained half awake watching the fire dwindle to embers in the hearth.

His mind raced endlessly and this kept his eyes from shutting for longer than a second. So many things were going through his thoughts, mostly what he had done just hours ago. What on Pulse had possessed him to do such a ludicrous thing? He was only looking to hurt himself.

But he was so lonesome. And would be tenfold once Lyra had gone.

What was an old fool to do?

So he stewed in his quiet misery for the remainder of the night.

Perhaps it was the lack of sleep that left him too tired to fight the urge to cry when he and Lyra said their goodbyes. Just outside of the house they held one another, dawn fast approaching.

"I can't even begin to describe how much I will miss you." Han tried his damnedest to keep it together enough to speak. But it was a struggle to be sure.

"It's not forever, father," she assured him, her voice wavering just as much as his. "I will see you again. Someday, I promise."

He squeezed her tight, as tight as a one armed man could muster.

"Until then," she was that he was looking at her, "live. You deserve so much better than what you've been allowing yourself."

Han cleared his throat, though it sounded like a bitter chuckle. "Let me worry about that, you don't need to concern yourself with my troubles."

"But I have to, I love you."

That broke his heart. He pressed his trembling lips to her forehead. "You are my dearest treasure. If I do nothing else with my life, I can still die proud knowing you are my daughter. I am so blessed by you." It was the only way he could think to say "I love you too" without allowing his terrible jinx to touch her. He kissed her head, tears rolling down his face. "I have no doubt you will be a great leader someday. But you'd best be off now, they're all waiting."

"I know." she looked so disappointed. She didn't want to leave him behind, but knew he would not go if she asked. He had his reasons. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Had you been there...what would you have named me?"

His brow vaulted. What an odd question, though somewhat natural if you stopped to think about it. "Well," he cleared his throat again, "that's a bit difficult to answer. Though, knowing you now..."

She waited with bated breath.

"Fal'ya. Yes, that would have been your name."

Lyra smiled at him without hesitation, holding him as close as she could one last time before bidding him farewell. And while he had no desire to see her leave, he couldn't stand to look away until she was out of sight.

It wasn't until moments later that he became aware of what he'd said. The name he had given Lyra had meaning, unlike the one she went by. "Gods' light" was the literal translation. It was the Pulsian word for the light that came tumbling out of the sky when the clouds darkened and raindrops fell. Lightning.

How odd.

And then he wept, feeling the loneliness surging over him.

(-)

Lightning couldn't find enough things to keep her busy, to keep her distracted. No activity or occupation of her time could fully remove her thoughts from the happenings of two nights passed. She couldn't sharpen her gunblade enough, Valkyrie couldn't gallop fast enough, and even sleep wasn't adequate to quell the disquiet in her. She lay awake, hearing the multitude of crickets outside, maddened with just one question as she stared at the ceiling: what the hell? And this inquiry nagged her like a broken record, all day, with only moments long stretches of peace.

But there was no answer, none that she could bring herself to accept, and the frustration bordered on all consuming.

How could things have gotten so complicated? After all it was just a...

Her lips burned at the thought of it, and again she couldn't decipher why. Well, it could be that...

No, she told herself again and again. No. It couldn't...wouldn't be that. She would convince herself of that yet.

Just go to the gym, you haven't tried that yet. Light told herself early on that third day. It'll work itself out.

At least that was what she was hoping. No such luck. After an hour of exchanging her efforts between the weight bench, the heavy bag, and enough push-ups to make a normal person want to pull out their hair if they could still lift their arms, all she managed to achieve was a shimmering layer of sweat heavy enough to force droplets down her face. In the end she sat on the floor, up against the wall with her head tipped back, eyes shut, and her chest rising and falling in quick succession.

Christ, why was this happening? Why couldn't she just let it go? It was nothing so profound as to latch on to her thoughts this way, was it? No, it was just a...

Her lips started to burn again and her face twisted into a scowl. She didn't want to think it through, complete the thought for fear of that tiny mote of a chance that she would fully explore what it could mean. She ran the risk of getting attached. She just...couldn't let that happen. It was too...dangerous. But her mind wasn't about to let her shut it down completely. As there wasn't just the event to consider, there was the one who instigated it.

Yes. Him. The shepherd.

Damn that man.

Light's hands tightened into fists against the floor. That son of a bitch. How dare he.

He had made her feel. That was easily the chief offense on his head as far as she cared, but there was still much more to it than just that. He had made her feel vulnerable, and it was terrifying. But she only realized that sense of exposure after he had gone, not at all as the corded muscles of his arm cinched around her so...possessively. What on earth had been going through his mind for his grip to be so tenacious? Part of her wanted to blame it on some savage lust, something every man was guilty of, nothing special. But then there was that other idea, the more quiet notion that it hadn't been just a primitive's desire to have a woman.

She wouldn't allow her thoughts to go there though. That was off limits.

The only thing she was willing to admit, even openly to an extent, was that there was something very different about the shepherd that night. Something about him she hadn't seen, or perhaps hadn't bothered to see before.

She had seen a man. Lightning had seen a man who remembered his pride for his people, his culture, even a little for himself. A man come to life, when he had been once so weary of an emptiness she could not fathom. A man who knew fear and joy like any other, but guarded them both for his own sake, so he wouldn't have to feel pain.

Why did that sound so damn familiar?

It had been in the shepherd's eyes that night, hidden in the crimson-gold glint of firelight. But never was it more apparent then when she had dared to lift the mask and reveal the one who had broken her fall. He had smiled at her, looking very please, even surprised. Had he ever smiled like that before in his entire life? If so, she'd never seen it in the months she'd known him. However, that wasn't the unsettling thing about it.

It was his reason behind such an expression.

Had it really been simply because...she was there?

Lightning felt her fists loosen, palms pressing to the floor as her fingers splayed apart. Then she gave a heavy sigh. None of this was making sense.

"Now there's a look I've seen before."

Light snapped her head forward, eyes open and alert. That vigilance faded to displeasure when she found Fang in doorway. Had she left it open? Couldn't have.

"You need something?" she tipped her chin to the Oerban, then draped her arms across her drawn up knees. One hand went to her ear, gently pressing the earring. Something she'd done rather often lately.

"Nah, not really," Fang shook her head, arms crossed. "Just thought it was funny,"

"What?"

"Weren't we here a couple of months ago for the same problem? And here I find you again,"

Light lifted one eyebrow to a sharp point. "What makes you think I'm having problems?"

"For gods' sakes, do we really need a repeat? While I'm all for another chance to shake ya a bit, I really would rather you just come out and say it."

"There's nothing wrong."

"You are such a bad liar," Fang laughed a little.

"So? What business is it of yours anyway?"

"That's awful cold of ya. Here I thought we were family. I was just thinkin' maybe if there was something going on you could-,"

"Look, nothing happened; he kissed me and then he left."

Interruption notwithstanding, Fang paused mid-sentence, mouth ajar, but now her eyebrows climbed towards her hairline. A smirk curled the corner of her mouth when she noticed the sudden change in Lightning's expression, like she hadn't meant to say that.

"So it's true then? Here I thought it was just a rumor."

Mortified, Lightning's cheeks reddened. "W-what? What rumor? What did you hear?"

"Plenty, and that was just now."

"I mean," Light shook her head, getting her thoughts in order again. "Who told you?"

"I heard about it from Snow," Fang was trying so hard not to laugh, because if she started she wouldn't be able to stop. "He heard it from Serah."

"And who told her?"

"I'll let ya guess."

Confusion, terror, and fury was a strange combination to share a face. She stood up, hands fists by her sides. "Who?"

"Sheesh, you're no fun. But think about it," Fang tapped her own temple with one finger. "Who'd be up that late and able to see you without bein' seen?"

Light's eyes widened and she took a deep breath, holding it in a moment. Then she let it go, grumbling as she pushed passed her friend. "I hate vampires."

"So did he slip ya any tongue, sunshine?" Fang called down the hallway, the only response to her question being a middle finger in the air. She snickered.

The former soldier would not find Raul at the clerk's station where she was expecting to. Eugene mentioned his having gone outside but moments ago, so that was her next destination. The double doors of the Center's entrance flew open, Lightning taking two resolute steps out and her head snapping left and right. Where the hell was he? When she couldn't spot him right away, she went on the hunt, stalking between the numerous dwellings like a hungry predator.

She would find him in time, lounging in the shade of one of the dwellings with Kibo perched on his shoulder. The raven squawked and warbled as it lunged at the piece of fruit in his master's hand, demanding a piece of it and not patient enough to wait. Raul hurriedly cut a portion of it with his claw and handed it to the bird. Then he took a bite himself. That was when he spotted Lightning taking determined strides towards him. As she stopped only steps away, her arms crossed and her expression less than pleased, he tried to pull the apple from his mouth. Though it had been wedged tight by the point of his fangs, he clumsily pulled it free, leaving chunks of it in his mouth that he had to struggle a bit to swallow.

"M-Miss Lightning," he stammered, wiping his mouth on his arm. "What a nice surprise. What can I do for you?" though he fathomed it wouldn't be a good thing judging how hard her brow creased as she stared holes into him.

"Why were you spying on me?"

Raul's eyebrows hiked high, the slits of his eyes narrowing. "Oh, that. Well...I wasn't spying on you per say, I just happened by and saw...things."

"Then why did you have to go and tell everyone about it?" Light's scowl deepened.

Raul swallowed hard. "I didn't tell everyone, just Miss Serah. It's not my fault your brother-in-law can't shut up."

Sweet gods I'm going to kill him. She felt her hand clench against the crook of her elbow. "Why did you have to say anything at all? It's nobody's business but mine."

"Well, to be completely honest, I was simply confirming what all of us were suspecting."

"Pardon?"

Raul smiled, turning his head a way a moment to hide a small laugh behind his hand.

"What? There's nothing going on!" she protested.

"Oh?" his tone was knowing and yet curious at the same time. And under the guise of curiosity he willingly listened as Lightning went into an unprovoked tirade of how everyone's suspicions were pure doo-doo.

We're too different.

We have nothing in common.

He's old enough to be my father.

The man's just a lonely, old hermit.

I like his dog more than I like him.

These were the most prevalent reasons among at least a dozen others, and she listed them all while pacing and seemingly manic in her protest. Raul watched, still eating the apple at a casual pace, occasionally passing another piece to Kibo. And when she finished, standing before him with a look of expectation, his only response came as thus.

"So tell me, were you trying to convince me...or yourself?"

"What?"

"You protest so much that it sounds like you're arguing with yourself."

"I'm not in denial."

"Did I say you were in denial? No, although I certainly suspected it. But why are you so upset? Isn't this a good thing? Even for someone as seemingly asexual as you can appreciate the infatuation of another, can't you?"

"Asexual?" Those were fighting words.

"What? It's just you have always appeared so...indifferent. Don't make such a face." Raul adjusted, one hand supporting his weight as he leaned forward. "But honestly, what on earth could you stand to lose?"

She didn't answer, though it would've been easy to. She stood to lose a lot, another someone in her life to have for a moment and then they disappear. It wasn't worth it.

"Personally, I think you're both being stubborn asses. And if Han were here I would tell him this as well. I fail to see why you two waste so much time just thinking it over when it is so clear to everyone else what is happening."

"Again, it's no one else's business."

"It is when you go about like a bull with a sore tooth. You don't think we've noticed? You're sister had become very concerned, and that is the only reason I said a word about it. I may be a bartender, but I'm not a gossip monger. For saints' sake, you mortals can be so...pig-headed."

"How do you figure?"

"Your lives are so short, yet you piss it away with inaction."

"Tch," Light sniffed. "What would you know about it? You go on and on about our short lives, and you're what?"

"Three hundred and eleven next month. But I fail to see how my age makes me inappropriate for this matter. Do you have any idea how many friends I've lost, just in my lifetime? How many loves I have been forced to let go?" his tone had become more severe, pointed as his brow lowered over his slitted eyes. He was decidedly more serious now. "I was a little more than eighty when I fell in love for the first time, and I was eighty five when she was taken from me. It wouldn't be until I was a quarter passed a hundred that I would fall in love again. In between that I lost my father, the mother I never knew, and countless companions I had learned to love like family. Now tell me again how ill-suited I am to council you."

Not that she could. The words were stuck in her mind, where they belong, as they had no proper place otherwise. For a long moment their gazes met and held fast, but Lightning broke away when the humility settled it. She was foolish to assume anything.

"Now, if you want my advice, which I would imagine you do else you would've left by now, I would suggest you go and speak to him. It couldn't hurt either of you."

Lightning huffed and crossed her arms again, her eyes still on the grass. Part of her did, in fact, want to leave and forget this ever happened. But for some unknown reason, her better judgment was winning out with the notion to stay.

"You're scared, aren't you?" he took the chance to ask.

Her eyes snapped to him, her face tightening with a mild scowl. "Of what?"

"Of losing. Am I right?" he smirked a little, sensing the truth. "You don't want to be alone, but you're afraid of getting attached, of having to one day let go. How close am I?"

Light was beginning to wonder if Raul and Fang had been spending more time together than she thought. He was getting good at this game, reading her mind.

"Though I wouldn't feel so bad about it, I feel as though Teh'Han is the same way." and he knew that from the moment he had seen the shepherd, the lines around his eyes being more than enough to tell the vampire what the mortal had been through. "Neither of you want to be vulnerable. Well, as natural as that may be, it isn't all too helpful in these matters. I suggest you push it aside."

She laughed. A curt, breathy sound. "You make it sound so simple."

"You make it sound like it has to be complicated." he countered. "You've seemed to me like a very capable woman, able to choose your path and walk it without delay. Why can't that apply here?"

"It isn't that easy."

"Well no, nothing worth the while ever is. That doesn't make it any less worth the time, does it? Maybe you could consider, for a change, what you could gain instead of what you stand to lose."

She looked at him, curious and slightly surprised.

"Listen," Raul sighed, deciphering her expression only just so. "I have seen men die young, in their thirties perhaps, doing what they love. But I have also seen those miserable souls that live long into their winter years without taking two steps out of their front door. After all is said and done, it's about what you choose to do. So...which would you rather be?"

If there was one thing Lightning hated more than emotions she wasn't familiar with, it was people who were perfectly right in their argument against her. Gods be damned.

"At the very least, the two of you need to talk this out,"

"All right, all right," she relented, hands up in the air with surrender. "I'll go, Jesus."

Raul nodded, watching as she turned sharp on her heels and started on. Then he thought of something.

"Was he a good kisser?" he winced when she snapped her head around, her expression furious. "I'm just curious."

But he would receive no answer, nor the beating he was expecting to get if he pressed any further.

Lightning headed for the stables, her mind buzzing with all the things that could possibly happen, all the things she might have to say.

(-)

Han sat at the dinning table, his pipe between his teeth and Gurthang at his feet, a pile of loose tufts of wool before him. He was still trying to decide what to do with it, to either make a blanket or small stuffed toy for the baby. Had he not been so occupied with other things and thoughts he probably would've gotten started on something by now. He just couldn't focus for more than a minute, his thoughts slipping away from him without fail shortly thereafter. And it was always to the same place, to the same face.

Damn it all, why did he have to be so foolish? Why couldn't he just accept...

Because, for reasons he couldn't comprehend, his heart wouldn't let him give up. It wouldn't let him surrender that tiny spark of hope of there being even the slightest chance that she might...

No, she wouldn't.

But maybe, just maybe...

No, no. No maybe, no perhaps. It wasn't going to happen. It was something he wanted, and therefore would never have. Most certainly couldn't keep.

So why couldn't he forget about it, just bury his head in the sand as always until it went away? Why wouldn't his chest stop burning, marking the hand prints that had once smudged the red paint there? And why, oh gods why, did he feel so empty, his embrace vacant?

Why on earth did he allow himself to fall in love again in the first place? He should have known better by now. After all this time, it wasn't like things had changed. He was still cursed, and Lightning still felt nothing for him. Nothing more than an uneasy sense of friendship.

Han couldn't forget the look on her face as he left her dwelling that night, the redness in her cheeks, what he thought to be abject horror. He had disgusted her, though the idea failed to surprise him. How could he possibly come close to being what she wanted in a man. Even if she wanted men to begin with. That thought was the most brief of them all. In any case, there appeared to be no room in her heart for him.

But he could accept that, sure enough. He would just need some time.

Gurthang's ears fluttered, his head lifting suddenly with a curious grumble. Han didn't appear to notice, even as the pooch stood and padded across the room to the door. He sniffed the doorknob, pawed the floor, and still his master was not aware. Han didn't even move from his hunched position with his head in his hand until there was a series of pounding knocks on his door.

"Han? It's Lightning, I want to talk to you."

Han's entire body tensed. He was certainly hoping for more time than that!

"You home?"

Maybe if I just stay quiet, she'll think I'm not here.

Can't help but wonder, but how do you say "dumb ass" in Pulsian?

He puffed his pipe furiously, anxious, waiting for the banging on his door to stop. When it did he held his breath, exhaling with smoke when it stayed quiet. But only for a moment.

Unfortunately for him, Light was far from being in the mood to deal with this kind of crap. Han forgot all of his anxiety when she put her boot to the door and broke it once again, much like their first meeting. He felt himself deflate as wooden slivers hit the floor, Gurthang running for cover.

"Again? Really?"

"You could've just answered me." she strode in, clearly peeved about something.

"Please, come in, make yourself at home." though it was far too late for that, thus the tone of powerless sarcasm. "What can I do for you?"

Lightning came to stand beside the table, arms crossing as she came to a stop. "I want to talk."

"So you said. What of?"

"The other night."

Of course, what else could she possibly want? His face tightened, his brow darkening his already dusky eyes. "What about it?"

"I would like an explanation." she said matter-of-factly. "If you've got one."

He had one, but he wasn't going to say it. Maybe if he played the lie again...

"Just an old man being foolish is all." he shook his head. "Nothing more."

Bullshit, and the disbelief was evident on her face. But he didn't see, he wouldn't look her in the eye. Though he could feel her stabbing gaze.

"What, were expecting me to say something else?"

"I don't know," and that was true, she hadn't a clue what to expect. This was an entirely new realm for her. Still, she was going to push forward. Whatever it took to understand these emotions coursing through her. Understand, then reign in, and force them into line with all the others. Like a good soldier.

"You've never had trouble being straight with me before."

"Hm." he nodded. "And I'm not now?"

"Doesn't seem like it."

"It isn't as though I have anything to lie about, any reason to," this time Han shook his head. "I'm telling you as it is."

"Okay." she nodded, her tone softened. "Look at me and say that."

Han tensed again. He couldn't comply with that order. Lying was hard enough, but not to her face. He simply couldn't. His hand clenched slowly into a fist atop the table, and his eyes screwed shut. He gathered his bottom lip between his teeth and bit down, admitting his disability with silence.

"So where's the lie?"

Though her voice was hushed, nigh on a whisper, it shook him as if she had been screaming. He bit harder onto his lip, threatening to draw blood. All the while Lightning watched him from where she stood, saw how he struggled. Clearly there were plenty of things he wasn't coming forward with.

"Could you at least-,"

"I'm doing it for your own sake, woman!" he slammed his fist on the table, tufts of wool tumbling to the floor. "Why do you press?"

She met his outburst head on. "Because I'll be damned if I let you get away with what you did without an explanation." she could barely repeat it, say what he did exactly. That means she would have to fully accept it happened at all. She wasn't ready to do that yet, not until she knew why.

Han wanted to tell her, gods knew he did, but couldn't. Wouldn't. He could almost feel those spiteful deities looming above him, waiting for him to utter the words that they would soon enough hurl back down on his head. The frustration mounted, resulting in his suddenly standing up and tossing the chair aside. He stalked to the hearth, leaning up against it as if the cold stone could offer some relief to the hot turmoil roiling through him.

Light hadn't expected such a tantrum. Though she didn't move, even flinch as the chair crashed to the floor, she looked down at the discarded piece of furniture with surprise.

Han took a deep breath, calming himself. He'd started to shake. "I was being stupid. That's all."

"That's not an explanation. That's an excuse." she replied.

"What more do you want?" and the question was more akin to a desperate plea. Begging for mercy.

"The truth."

She was standing right behind him, he could almost feel her breath hot against his bare back. He tensed once more. "I can't." he forced out at last.

"Why not? Because of some superstition?"

"It isn't superstition!" he turned on her, his expression furious. "You know it isn't, not to me! Otherwise I would tell you everything you want to know."

"So lying to me let's you sleep better at night? Makes everything okay?"

"No," his fury crumbled to despair, and he turned away again with his forehead in his palm. "It doesn't. But its better than...than..."

"Than what?"

"...Losing you." it weaseled out of his mouth almost too quiet to catch. His throat was so tight now. "A thousand lies, and never knowing...it would be better than to have it all for just a moment, and then it be gone again in the blink of an eye."

Lightning felt her heart hitch, alongside the need to scowl at a sudden realization. The vampire had been right after all. Both of them were terrified, trying to cope with their denial in spite of what they wanted. All because they didn't want to face the pain; he didn't want to hurt others, she simply didn't want to hurt again. Yet neither of them wanted to be alone.

Han explained himself in the same manner she did. Stay distant, shove it away, better to never love than to love and lose it. Loss hurts too much.

But had she accepted that? Had she come to terms with the idea that this Pulsian sava...man, had fallen in love with her? But why? How could that have happened when she'd been such a colossal bitch? Was it her resemblance to his wife?

Whatever the case, what to do about it? Would she shove it away, or...maybe something could come of it just letting things run their course? What if, just what if, she reached out instead of shutting down? Where would that take her? Light's curiosity was starting to get the better of her.

This was undiscovered country after all. Gods knew what secrets were privy to those who took the chance and plunged into the darkness of it.

"Han,"

A shiver ran up his back, then scattered to send goosebumps up and down his flesh with the weight of her palm against his shoulder. The sound of his name, so soft on her voice, was enough to weaken his knees.

"We've been nothing if not honest with one another, never mind how...uneasy our friendship has been."

He felt her tug on him, pulling him to face her. He hadn't the strength to resist, though his eyes were trained on the floor.

"Even when you've lied to me...I guess, looking back on it...you did it for safety's sake." how she was so calm saying all this, when her heart was pounding, was a mystery.

"Though selfishly at times." he bemoaned quietly.

"That's beside the point. Still," she took a breath, a moment to think about her next words. Weighing the possible consequences. "If you can't tell me...then show me."

Han took a step back, his face still despairing but his eyes had widened. He started to shake his head, still resisting. "No, no, no," he said, "you don't know what you're asking for."

No, not really. She couldn't read his mind, and Light knew she was putting herself in a very vulnerable position by making such a request. Though there were times one needed to advance unprotected in order to gain sufficient ground. And she made that risky maneuver in a single stride towards him.

"No," he repeated, stepping to the side. "You need to leave." Before we do something we'll both regret.

On pure reflex she grabbed his wrist, not allowing him another step in apparent retreat.

"What are you doing?" he pulled against her grip, surprised how secure it was, secure enough to hold fast to him.

"I want my explanation."

"As I said, I would tell you if I could." and he attempted once more to move, still unable to take more than half a step. "Woman," now his tone was cautionary, "you won't like what happens if you keep pushing."

Maybe, maybe not. There was no way of knowing until it happened. Maybe that's what this was all about; how far could they go? What would it feel like? Lightning was feeling vulnerable again, but also very powerful. Like this man, as big as he was, was at her mercy.

"I won't warn you again," and this time he ripped his arm free. He started walking towards the table, bending to pick up the toppled chair. Han pushed it back into place, lingering there and expecting to see Lightning walk passed him. Any second now she would leave and all this nonsense could end. His heart would stop pounding so hard and his palm would no longer be slick with sweat, and he could forget the lingering fire of her hand print on his shoulder and wrist.

Lightning wasn't going to leave, not until she got what she came for. But he didn't seem all too willing to give her that, as simple a request as it was. So what to do? Under typical circumstances, as with most interrogations, she'd resort to force. But that wasn't going to work very well here. Han would take any abuse she dished out and like it just to spite her. And she tried asking nicely, at least, as nicely as she could. What else could she try?

Would she dare to...

Han felt her hand on him again, just the fingertips, against his lower back. He shuddered, his hand atop the table just enough to keep him upright. He fought to breathe, openly panting. "Why? Why won't you just leave it be?"

"Because I have to know." her breath was hot on his flesh, she felt the muscles beneath her fingers clench. They were but inches apart. "I have to understand." and it was true, she needed to know what was going through his mind. Maybe that would help to decipher all of the things going through her own.

"But," he choked on his words. "But it can't...you can't want this." That is, if she was considering what he thought she was considering.

"Why not?"

"Because I..." Because it's what I want. And he wanted it terribly. He wanted everything, but not if they came to share such a great desire. Deep down he knew he would strive to give her anything she wanted, all she need do was ask. If she asked for...that, he wouldn't be able to deny her. He began to wonder, albeit briefly, where this sudden and absolute devotion came from.

She pressed her palm to his back, feeling the muscles bulge beneath her touch. "Say it."

Gods be damned. "Yes," he gasped, "I want it too."

Something snapped. There were no more barriers somehow, and Han felt like he had lost some sort of battle. He'd failed to keep himself under control. It was too late now.

Han turned towards her, arm curling like it had that night, and it tightened, pulling her flush against his body. His lips found hers so easily, as unsteady as they were, and he pressed with a deep hunger to taste her. His fingers curled into her side, feeling the fabric of her abbreviated turtleneck and the soft warmth of skin. Han took in her scent with a deep, manic breath. Gun oil and sweat.

Light didn't fight him, though his sudden actions surprised her. The heat was back again, from top to bottom and centering in her chest just as it had before. Her body burned in his grasp, but it was so...beautiful. There was no fear, only some alien desire to have more. More of...whatever this was. Her palms slid up his chest until her arms bent around his neck. And it was a firm hold.

Han felt like he was on the verge of falling, the way she was clinging to him unlike anything he'd ever known. Naya had never been this way. Hell, she had practically raped him on their wedding night, but that was normal. This was not. This was foreign, unusual, terrifying...and he wanted more of it. He had always been the submissive one, that's what his upbringing dictated, but not here. There was some equality here. Part of him wasn't entirely sure what to do with it, but was very eager to find out.

"Hold on to me," he managed to growl between heavy, frantic kisses. His hand clutched her backside and lifted, bringing her higher against him as he turned, depositing her on the table. The legs squeaked across the floor. Han groaned deep in his chest as her legs bent around him, her ankles locking, the heels of her boots digging in with lusty temerity.

Sweet gods. His eyes threatened to roll back as he settled between her legs. Out of instinct he leaned into her, his hand keeping his weight. Light caught his bottom lip between her teeth and nipped. He groaned again. He forced his tongue passed her lips, tasting deep, and his body trembled with the sounds she made. Sounds he recognized as pleasurable.

Jesus Christ, was it like this for everyone? Lightning had to wonder, did everyone experience this...this desperate flight, this wild struggle to manage your senses but failing miserably and not giving a damn? And this tightening in the very core of her, was this what everyone went on about? She had been missing this? Good gods, what had she been thinking? Her arms unwound from his neck and eased around his chest, her fingers pointing into his shoulder blades as his tongue invaded her mouth and dragging downward. It would leave welts. And here she thought she would never care to kiss a man with a beard. The bristled scratching wasn't so bad.

"Touch me," she whispered against his mouth, "it's okay."

The first thing she felt was the heat of his palm on her back, the slickness of it as it drifted upward towards the hem of her shirt and easing beneath it. His hips surged against hers, feeding the tightness she felt at the apex of her thighs. She almost begged him to do it again.

Through the red haze Han could barely think. All he could decipher were his feelings, his instincts, and a profound humility in that he felt unworthy of this. He wasn't good enough, she deserved better...yet here she was. And she was...she wanted him to touch her, even said so. How could his fortune have changed so drastically without his knowing? His palm sank from her back to her hip, resting there but a moment, as if to gather courage before sliding to fan across her toned stomach. He felt something hard against his thumb, distracting him enough to dip his chin and have a look.

"Heavens," he gaped. He'd never seen a woman with such a decoration as that. A navel piercing?

Light leaned back slightly, looking up at him. "You don't approve?"

"It's not that, no," he shook his head. "Just different." And that was the end of the diversion. Back to sucking face.

Light leaned back a little further, his hand moving higher over her belly. His fingertips found the end of the scar there, the tenderness making her wince in caution. He only caressed it momentarily with the pad of his thumb, his hand still ascending. Han chanced to let his hand curl over one concealed breast, mostly curious to her reaction. A breathy grunt, a high hitching of breath was her response, one of her hands finding his ponytail and tugging on it. The pinch sent a spark down his back, something he was surprised to find that he liked. He could feel a hardened nipple through her clothes, and that only served to spur his own desire.

Han curled his hand along the side bend of her throat, his thumb just beneath her chin and his palm over the pulse in her neck. It was quick and heated, just like his own. Upward still he went until he cradled her jaw in his hand.

"Don't stop," she panted.

There was no way he could.

His fingertips ghosted downward, easing over the small dimples that remained of the snake bite, to find the zipper at the collar. He gripped it tentatively, expecting her to repulse him should he go any further. But she did no such thing, even as he began to pull it slowly down.

Light shivered at the cool air settling over her heated skin, the zipper completely undone and the sides of her top pulled apart.

"My gods," Han pulled away from her lips for but a moment to breathe. "You're so beautiful."

From there his kisses began to descend, Light dipping her head back as he blessed her throat with light touches of his lips. He retraced the path his hand had taken prior, even passed the dip of her collar bone to the center of her chest. Her hands clutched in his hair when he veered off center, his mouth closing around a now exposed, rosy peak.

Light pulled him close, her body bowing against his as sensation rampaged across every nerve. She felt the threat of a black out. His tongue, his lips, who'd have known they could do that! She groaned, mouth open, not caring if anyone heard. Her face was hot, her cheeks surely red. That heat spread all through her. She fought to capture her next breath, and the fever did anything but ease as he pulled away, only to give the other breast the same attention. He grunted loudly as her grip in his hair tightened, pulling almost too hard.

She thought to kill him when he stopped, straightening, his eyes half lidded with something she couldn't describe. It even shimmered in his argent gaze. That something that was driving them further towards the brink. Light lifted towards him, shrugging the shirt down her arms and letting it fall to the table. She pressed herself against him, kissing the center of his chest, unable to stand the absence of his warmth for too long.

Han swallowed hard, thinking he enjoyed the touch of her lips elsewhere too much. All of this was just too much. It couldn't be real...it couldn't be right.

"What are we doing?" he breathed, seeming to fret.

Lightning didn't meet his gaze, though she could feel it bearing down on her. "Just shut up and go with it." And she kissed his stomach, mindful of how it rose and fell with his deep breaths.

His hand found her jaw again and tipped up her chin, his lips searching for hers, begging. She met him, bold, her tongue forcing passed the weak resistance he presented. Her hands snaked about his waist, fumbling with the knot that kept the wrap in place. Han felt it tumble to the ground, pooling about his feet. He shivered, knowing she felt the vibration of his entire body. He felt her body stretch upward, matching him, her breasts pressing to his chest. She pulled him down by the neck, wanting him closer but seemingly unknowing as to how to do that.

Han's hand rested atop one of her thighs, pushing upward. She bit his lip when he found the crease where her hip and thigh met, and delved deeper still. His thick fingers found her center and pressed. Instinctive, knowing, yet testing. Her breath caught in her throat, curt whimpers jumping from her to him. Her hips rolled against his hand, encouraging, his palm finally settling over the entirety of her heat.

"You want this?" his voice rumbled.

She could only nod into his shoulder, unable to speak. She was lost, awash in this...this lust.

He found a belt, undid it, a zipper, pulling it down. He pushed cloth aside, leaving but a single article between them. She still had her boots on for crying out loud. But that didn't seem to register to him, wouldn't until he was jarred by the heavy thud of leather soles striking the floor.

Han continued to touch her there, his fingertips easing over the concealed warmth, pressing into it just right. Her body jerked against him, her mouth moving but no comprehensible speech forming. Like she was lost in a fever, her brow furrowed tightly in the middle, her eyes shut, and her face red and glistening with a fine sheen of sweat. Was she...could it be she liked this?

"Tell me what you want." he said, kissing her temple. "Anything, just say it."

"S-stop teasing me." and her answer was immediate, though staggered. Light needed to see how much farther they would go, how much farther he would be willing to take her. She just had to know.

"Then hold on." and he could feel her tense around him, doing just as he asked as he began to lift her up once again.

Light felt and heard the groan of leather all around her as Han gently placed her on the soft cushions of the sofa. Though he did not join her there as she had expected, there was even room for him. Instead he knelt beside her on the floor, easing in for another kiss. While she was distracted, her hands in his hair once more, his hand worked down past her glinting navel and beneath the hem of the last barrier. She bit his lip again when his fingers pressed into her center unhindered.

Hot, wet, seemingly ready, that's what Han found with his inquisitive fingertips. Though he stilled a moment when Light's teeth pinched his lip, not wanting her to draw blood. He pulled free of it before he began again, a shiver running through him at the way she writhed and whimpered at his touch. He never would have imagined such behavior from her, but seeing was believing.

He touched all the right places, in all the right ways, not too gentle or too eager. And his tongue carefully laved the reddened tip of one breast. It served to wind that tension in her core that much tighter, on the verge of breaking. But she wanted it. Lightning wanted it to break, to know what it would feel like. If it was anything like the build, she had to wonder if the apex would kill her. Mind you it didn't, but she thought it would be a hell of a way to go. And somewhere, among her delirium, he had pulled that last article down her legs, ultimately tossing it to the floor.

It didn't take long for Han to bring her to climax. Her nails bit into his scalp and neck, her body tensing, her cries restrained. And then she fell lax, panting, flushed and languid from head to toe. He looked at her face, humbled by her beauty and smirking in a slightly smug way.

"First time?" he was genuinely curious about that, but he asked as gently as he could.

She shook her head, still seeming dazed. "No. But it's been a long while."

"I see." he nodded. Han waited a moment before seeking her kiss once again, and as she held him with both hands on either cheek, he eased his body over hers, nestling between her legs. Lightning gasped at the feeling of his heated member against her stomach. His hand eased over her, hooking the knee of one leg to lift it and lay it against his empty shoulder. He leaned forward, supporting himself mostly on his arm, but finding some in her as well.

"Whatever you want, whatever pleases you," he said, looking into her eyes, "you will have it."

Did she even know what she wanted? What pleased her?

Lightning looked back at him, and it was odd. It was like seeing him for the first time, only now she didn't see the old hermit who was so cold. She saw a man who knew and could show...love; an emotion she once thought beyond his supposedly primitive understanding. It was a rare occurrence, but Lightning was glad to be proven wrong.

She had no response to his declaration, only reaching for him to draw him down, to let him follow through with it.

It was a heated and nigh on violent affair. Scratching nails, near biting, the shattering cries of ecstasy, the release of frustration that had been long since mounting. Bodies blurred in the throws of carnal desire. It was wild, passionate, total abandon. Almost wrong.

But it felt so very, very right. Like the planets aligning. Like it was preordained by some higher power.

When it ended, the two of them struggling to breath and tangled together, there was no apparent hurry to move. They were content to lay there for a moment yet, facing each other with Lightning's leg still hooked over his waist and his large hand curled around the swell of her backside. They continued to kiss even now, tired and spent, but with much less fervor than earlier. They were kisses meant to savor, to reassure, to reinforce a sense of comfort.

When the afterglow began to fade, Han was the first to move. He bid she hold on to him one last time, and he lifted her from the sofa. With his arm beneath her knees and her arms about his neck he carried her to the cot, the bed he had never slept in, and helped her beneath the blanket before easing in behind her. The metal frame creaked.

Lightning could feel sleep creeping up on her already, her eyelids heavy and threatening to close on their own. She could feel him surround her, his heavy arm over her waist, his warmth enveloping her.

I never want to sleep alone again.

It was her last waking thought.

Author's Note: I hope this didn't turn out to be the steaming pile I feel like it did. I think that last love scene is total crap, nothing but corn and soap opera sap. In any case, the next chapter will be it, and I say this with the utmost certainty. The epilogue will close all the cases, bring everything full circle to the best of my ability. And keep your eyes peeled as I will have the date for the Live Discussion on Tiny Chat in the authors' note at the end. Again, hope to see you there. Now I need to illustrate this...yay.