I started off struggling, but I finally put this together! Please review! :)

It's super late, but I wrote this with love! 3


It was an early morning- Levi strode into the room, briefcase containing all the documentation they had- both on the military budget and Eren- in hand, while everyone else readied themselves.

Eren was collared and leashed, waiting patiently.

The others chatted eagerly- they were tired from a late night of scrambling to get things in order- however, they were optimistic.

"Alright. Remember- as much shit as you can pull. And no matter what- just keep smiling." Levi smirked, grabbing onto the end of Eren's leash with one hand and starting down towards the treasury building.

They entered the conference room to find the treasurer and his gaggle of nearly a dozen MPs surrounding him, as well as three well-dressed men, the king's advisers, no doubt, and six man adorned in the attire of the wall cult, who sweated nervously and eyed Eren with poorly concealed fear as they entered.

Nearly everyone had mugs of coffee in front of them, since this meeting had started at at unforgiving hour of 7am, and Eren yawned loudly as he took his seat on the floor, Levi having his leash tied securely in his beltloop.

Eren yawned unabashedly, slumping on the carpet.

The treasurer eyed the boy with uncertainty, before he was calling the meeting to order and beginning.

Within 15 minutes of the meeting beginning, however, Eren had slumped over on the rug and passed out, dead asleep.

The walls cult priests eyes him nervously, whispering to one another, while the MPs watched with a mixture of confusion and anxiety, fidgeting from where they stood throughout the room.

"And his height and weight?" the treasurer asked calmly.

Levi frowned, looking down at the papers before him. "He's 170cm tall, 63kg." he said boredly. Really- they were just wasting their time, now. All this information could've been easily gathered from just checking the records.

Levi looked down and had to hide a smirk- he'd have to cut Eren some slack. It was early, after all, and he found it amusing to watch his subordinate passed out on the rug in the middle of the meeting. It was daring and... cute, almost.

Eren twitched in his sleep, and Levi frowned, leaning over and petting the boy's chocolate hair for one minute, two... Before he was withdrawing his hand and once again focusing on the papers in front of him.

The Treasurer cleared his throat, eyes darting over to Eren before he addressed Levi.

"Captain, is Seargent Jeager... sleeping?"

"It looks that way to the untrained eye, doesn't it?" Levi asked boredly, as though he'd explained this a thousand times before. "But no- the kid's hibernating. We all know titans run on sunlight- and it's early. Still dark outside- no sunlight." Levi nodded towards the darkness outside. "Really, we're lucky we got him here before he passed out. He'll get up... eventually." Levi smirked slightly, looking down at the boy.

"Right." the Treasurer eyed the boy carefully for a moment.

"And... is he dangerous?"

"Dangerous is... such a subjective term." Levi said, smirking. The MPs tightened their hold on their rifles. Levi continued; "he's quite the hazard, really- lying there on the floor like a corpse. Someone might trip over him- fall and break a hip." he muttered sarcastically.

"Captain. I would appreciate it if you dropped the attitude. Not everyone is as fascinated or well-versed in titans as you are." one of the wall cult priests spoke up, looking indignant.

Levi blinked. Had this idiot really just bought everything he'd said as fact? Still, Eren slumbered on, undisturbed, on the carpet, and Levi closed his mouth and allowed the treasurer to continue his waist-of time questioning the bureaucrats had no doubt ordered him to do.

The questioning continued.

"What color are his eyes?"

"Green."

Really, did they have to waste so much time? No one was even writing this down, except for the stenographer- and he could've been doodling with how furiously he was scribbling.

Levi rested his chin in hand, leaning his elbow on the table.

"Alright. And how often does Eren Jeager consume human flesh?"

Levi blinked, looking up. "...what?"

Everyone at the table had leaned forward, suddenly no longer pretending to be interested. They were enraptured with him, all of a sudden.

"I want to kn ow how often Eren Jeager consumes human flesh, Captain. As well as how you procure it- I'm assuming you frequent local morgues and... ahem... utilize resources..."

Levi smirked, suddenly coming up with pure gold. "Eren's actually vegan."

"Pardon?" the treasurer asked, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"He's vegan." Levi re-iterated. "Only eats plants and shit. No animal products."

Petra lowered her gaze to the table, hair falling forward to hide her grin, and Eld disguised his laughter behind some coughing.

"B-but that's impossible! It's well known that titans run on human flesh!" one of the wall cult priests interrupted, looking shocked.

"No. Jeager likes tea. And salad. He also enjoys sugar cookies." Levi said, maintaining a completely straight face "Absolutely loves them."

The treasurer cleared his throat, clearly looking surprised by the notion. "R-right. And how often does the boy sleep?"

"Whenever it's dark. Sometimes, when the kid won't shut up, we put him in a box. It's dark, so he goes to sleep."

Levi watched the officials in front of him accept the bullshit he was spewing without question and blinked, surprised. He found himself questioning, into for the first time, these people's intelligence. Then again, these people believed the walls were some sort of god.

The pointless questioning continued, and slowly, dawn broke outside.

Eren twitched as sunlight crept across the carpet, and the MPs whispered to one another, shifting nervously.

Levi frowned. It'd been a good hour since he'd done anything to mess with these people, and Eren had slept long enough- he might as well initiate phase two.

"I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me for a few minutes, Sir- I have to water Jeager."

"Water him?" one of the king's advisers spoke up.

Levi nodded, standing up as though nothing was unordinary about his statement at all. "Of course. In addition to sunlight, Titans need to be watered every day."

"Wait a minute, Levi." the treasurer spoke up, looking dubious. "Titans outside the wall aren't watered."

Levi blinked, looking at the man like he was ignorant. "Tch. Of course not- they soak up the rain water.' Levi stood, nudging Eren's sleeping form with his foot.

Eren's eyelids fluttered open, and he sat up slowly, wiping some drool from the corner of his mouth. "Ngggh... Captain?" he blinked sleepily, looking around, confused. "I'm thirsty." he mumbled, still disoriented by sleep.

Levi beamed- the brat had just made this whole charade ten times more convincing. "I know- I'm working on it. Oi-" he turned to a nearby MP. "You got a watering can? Or you just going to let him keel over?"

The MP hesitated, before he nodded, running out of the room.

He came back in less than five minutes later, managing to procure a sloshing water can.

Levi wordlessly kicked Eren- the boy flopped onto his back, and Levi tipped the watering can onto the boy. Eren blinked for a moment, surprised, before opening his mouth...

Levi made certain to take note that his squad consisted to amazing actors as he swung the watering can around, drenching Jager's clothes and a good portion of the rug. They kept completely straight faces throughout the whole bizarre ordeal, as though this were some sort of routine occurrence.

Finally, when Eren was thoroughly drenched, Levi sat back down, doubly pleased with himself, having managed to punk his idiot superiors and thoroughly drench Jeager.

"Now, where were we?"

"You're just going to leave him in those wet clothes?" an MP piped up.

"He absorbs waters through his skin, idiot." Levi said calmly. "Any more stupid questions? Shall I write you a novel on how titans manage to exist?"

And so the bullshit continued- both in the pointless questions Levi was asked and the creative answers he gave.

Finally- nearly three hours into the whole ordeal- the Treasurer nodded. "Right. We'd like to interview each of you individually about your place in the special operations squad, starting with Ms. Ral. The rest of you are free to go. We'll call you in as needed."

Levi nodded, standing and heading for the door, a still leashed Eren trailing behind.


"How do you feel about having a titan as a squad mate, Ms. Ral?" one of the king's advisers spoke, hands steeped.

Petra grinned. "Oh, I think he's adorable."

"...pardon?"

"He's super cute." Petra grinned. "He's really tall when he's a titan, and he can't really talk, so he squeaks..."

"Jeager... squeaks?"

"Unhuh." Petra nodded, beaming. "And it's very cute. I love it when he squeaks." she stared at them calmly golden eyes bright.

"...we have no further questions, Ms. Ral. You may go."


"Mr. Schultz- do you question having Eren Jeager on the squad?"

"Well, I guess." Gunther said, scratching the back of his head.

"I have a lot of questions, really." he forced his expression to be blank. "Like, when he transforms. His titan doesn't have a dick. Where does it go? Does it just... disappear? Or is it just chilling inside the titan..." Gunther blinked. "So, yeah. I have a lot of questions about that kid, but I can't just ask him, 'cause I'm not even sure if he knows..."

Gunther blinked.

Everyone at the conference table looked mildly disturbed.

Gunther tried not to smirk when he was hurriedly dismissed from the room.


"Yeah, I worry about him. What if he transforms at night and ends up crushing all our shit? Then what are we gonna do?"

"Auruo, do you have any other concerns? Does the boy show any erratic behavior?"

"No, he just eats like a fucking horse. Oh- wait- actually, when he transforms, he doesn't have a di-"

"That will be all, Auruo." the treasurer finished quickly. And so ended Auruo's interview.


"Does it bother you to have a titan in your squad? Do you feel threatened?"

"No."

"No? Can you elaborate a little more, Mr. Jinn?"

"He might be a titan- but he can't touch my swag."

"Dismissed, soldier."


Everyone was called back into the room, then.

"Captain Levi. We'll interview you and Sargent Jeager together, in front of your peers, as you can't be separated. Starting with Captain Levi- what makes you so sure you can kill Sargent Jeager if he were to lose control?"

Levi blinked. "Two reasons. One- I have never seen a titan I was incapable of killing. Two- the kid's a fucking mess. If I didn't water his ass every day, there wouldn't even be a titan to worry about."

"Right." the Treasurer folded his hands, looking over at Eren. "Sargent Jeager- what are your ambitions for the future?"

"Genocide." Eren never missed a beat.

Everyone in the room stiffened slightly.

"W-what?" the treasurer asked, slightly taken aback.

"I'm going to commit genocide. Every night I dream about slaughtering every since titan that crosses my path..." Eren said calmly. "I'll destroy them all. Then I'm going to go see the ocean with my friends. And then, maybe I'll go into therapy or something for anger management. Maybe. But probably not- since I'm not that angry. I just handle my shit." Eren's gaze hardened.

Levi coughed slightly, biting back laughter at the teen's mention of anger management.

"...but... how can you want to destroy all the titans... when you are a titan?" one of the wall cult priests piped up, looking skeptical.

"Come again?" Eren asked, a blank look on his face.

"...how can you want to kill all the titans... when you are a titan? It's a paradox." the priest said.

Eren laughed. "No it's not. I'm not a titan- I'm just...really tall."

The room was dead silent for a moment.

Levi smirked. "Allow me to explain. You see, in the scouting legion, we believe in using coping mechanisms... such as denial."

The treasurer sighed. "I'm calling a recess for lunch." he said, massaging his temples. "Be back here in an hour."

Levi grinned as he and his squad retreated. It'd been a productive day so far- and they were only half-way through so far.


Please review! I wanna know what your favorite part was/what made you laugh the most! :)