Chapter Forty Nine: Maybe I'd Dream if I Could Sleep
It had been two days since Craig, Lily and Veronica left with Arcade. So it shouldn't have surprised the courier when Craig came in from the balcony with Joshua, Cass and Kennedy. Kennedy rushed over to Harley while she was feeding the baby, and Joshua and Cass seemed to be in a heated argument.
"An' I said it's none of yer damned business, old man!"
"Follows Chalk should not be subjugated to – Hello, Harley," Joshua stopped arguing and gently placed his hand on her shoulder, "I do hope you're doing alright."
She flinched, "I'm trying. You can continue your conversation. I'm intrigued now."
"It's nothin'," Cass sounded tired, "Boone said you named 'im Isaiah Israel. It's cute. I like it."
"Thank you. Isaiah was Craig's suggestion," she didn't have to mention where she got Israel from.
"Well, I like it, Boone."
"I like it too!" Kennedy said, "But I don't have a middle name. Mama, what's your middle name?"
"Sage, honey."
"Sagehoney?"
"No. It's just Sage."
"So can my middle name be Sage, too? Like how Isaiah's is Arcade's?"
"Sure."
"Kennedy Sage...Boone?" She asked quietly. Harley nodded.
"Fits ya perfect," Cass smiled.
They backed off to give Harley some room as she finished feeding the baby and gave him a quick sponge bath before putting him back in the incubator. He got too cold too fast outside of it. She hoped he would get better soon - he was about a week old and definitely bigger; heavier, longer. But he was still too small and too weak.
"How far along were you when we had him?" Joshua asked.
"25 weeks. Arcade said it's about a fifty to eighty percent chance he'll...live."
That certainly put a damper on their coming-to-visit-the-baby mood. Cass spotted the journal on the coffee table and raised her eyebrows at Harley, though she didn't notice. Cass knew it was Arcade's and there were many times when Arcade had to swat the girl's hand away from it. She thought it was funny that he kept a journal - but why did Harley have it?
Once again, Cass reached her hand out to grab it, but this time Harley was the one to swat it away.
"Aw come on, Harles," Cass said jokingly, "why do you even have that anyway?"
"Arcade gave it to me," she said as though it were very obvious and Cass was dumb.
"Well, what's in it?"
"Nothing interesting," she lied. She hadn't read it since the other night, when she saw the last page he scribbled about giving her the journal. She felt wrong reading it. It was so personal.
"There has to be a reason he gave it to you."
"Yeah. I've read some stuff. Haven't found the reason yet."
"Well, let's just have a look."
"Enough, Cass," Joshua warned, "it's obvious that it's making Harley uncomfortable."
"Stay out of it, Old Man," she snapped.
"I'm gonna take both of you home," Craig's voice came from the other room.
"I apologize," Joshua mumbled, "how long until he's well enough to take home?"
"At least a month, I'd imagine. He's a lot bigger and healthier than last week, but he still needs time to grow."
"I'm...not sure we have a month," Craig was quiet.
"Why? What's going on?"
"The Legate has made it to the Cove."
123456789
"By House's calculations, the Legion should've attacked the dam back in February, but he didn't account for Harley killing Caesar. By my own calculations, it'll be mid-May when the Legate makes it in from Flagstaff."
Harley read the passage over and over again - he was right; it had been about mid-May. The 18th, to be exact. That made Isaiah's birthday the 11th. She was reading the passages in spurts. Randomly flipping to pages and reading what she thought looked interesting. Like the day that Veronica and Arcade went missing.
"Veronica and I decided to take a walk tonight. She wanted to talk about something private, so while she talked we just kept walking until we were at a bar that was picking up a weird radio signal at midnight. Veronica said that her and Cass wanted to have a baby, and even though the thought disgusted Veronica herself, she said that she figured I could go about it more medically. Cass was going to try to seduce Follows-Chalk. I certainly didn't want to have sex with Veronica, as much as I love her, but I decided maybe we could artificially inseminate, which seemed to be the best idea for the both of us.
I'm surprised she actually sat through it. I told her a few times that she didn't have to get pregnant, especially if Cass is already trying, but they decided they wanted to have kids at the same time. We decided to follow that radio signal - which hit again at midnight. Something about a midnight science fiction feature at the Mojave Drive-in. Veronica was so excited to see what was going on, despite how insanely creepy it sounds. We're already half-way there. Might as well keep going."
"Cass!" Harley called from the bedroom, and Cass sleepily shuffled in from the living area.
"Yer not pregnant anymore. Yer lucky I even came in here. Wakin' people up at –"
"Are you pregnant?"
"What-what are ya talkin' about?"
"Arcade wrote about it. You and Veronica both trying to get pregnant."
"I'm...I-I dunno, okay? What's it to you?"
Harley sat up and looked at her through the darkness, seeing her frizzy red hair laced with a few grays, and the bags under her eyes. The implants didn't give her x-ray vision, though. She wasn't able to tell just by looking at her.
"I...I need you at the Dam," Harley said softly.
"I'll be there. 'Course I'll be there."
Craig stepped in from the balcony after taking Joshua and Kennedy home - he was glad the transportalponder took you back to where you came from because he certainly wasn't looking forward to walking twenty hours through the Wasteland with Kennedy. Joshua could take care of himself, he knew that. But Kennedy was just a little girl.
Harley lifted her shirt as Cass and Craig awkwardly passed each other in the doorway, "look! The autodoc healed my stomach faster!" There was a faint pink line where she once had a row of stitches.
"You're welcome, Miss Harley," the autodoc called out.
Craig climbed over Harley, shoving his face into the crook of her neck and completely enveloping her. They hadn't spent much time together since they had to come to the Big Empty.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I don't know, I think I'm still in shock."
"There's been a lot going on."
"Yeah, I know," she was quiet, "but you know something?"
"Hm?"
"Kennedy isn't here. We're finally alone." She hinted.
"Are you...alright?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine."
He sighed comically loud, "if you insist."
123456789
"Are you tryin' to get pregnant again, already?" Cass asked.
Harley squinted at her, "uh. Hm. Oh yeah. Maybe. I probably should've had him pull out, huh?"
"Why'd you tell me that?"
"I don't know," Harley shrugged, "maybe 'cause you asked."
"Did not. So…Arcade wrote the intimate details of fuckin' my girlfriend down, did he?"
"No. Neither of them wanted to do it, so he inseminated her. Artificially," she added on quickly, noticing that just saying "inseminated" is the same as having sex.
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah. Arcade's gay, she's gay...why would they want to have sex?"
"Harley, Arcade totally had somethin' for you. He might've liked dick, but he liked you too. Surprised he didn't outline that in his dumb journal, too," she mumbled.
Harley's cheeks flared. Had it been that obvious? Maybe Craig wasn't totally wrong in his accusation of them having sex. Well, no, he was definitely totally wrong, Harley thought. But that didn't change the fact that Craig didn't like Arcade because he knew, too. Harley sighed - she was supposed to be good at reading people and she couldn't even see through her own best friend. What a joke.
"Harles, it's okay," Cass cooed when she noticed Harley's eyes watering.
"I could've done something."
"No, you couldn't have. Stop worryin' about it."
"Stop? Yeah, let me just turn off my feelings," Harley snapped.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
They started at each other for a second or two before Cass sat back down and Harley looked for something to eat. With her mom, it was too quick. There was no way to stop it at all. With Arcade, maybe if they found out sooner, maybe if she hadn't been so hesitant to go in the first place...but no, she was stubborn. She had to be stubborn.
"Are you ready to go back or do you want to stay longer?" Craig asked. It sounded like he was packing up to go grab Veronica and Kennedy.
Cass shook her head from the couch, and Craig took that as "I'd like to stay longer." Harley heated up some jalapeños and meat in a small pan on a hotplate, when she felt someone behind her. She stiffened.
"Cass, come on," she was bent down, afraid to stand back up in fear of headbutting the older woman.
"What did you say?" She called from the next room. The blood instantly drained from Harley's face.
"I-I, uh. N-nothing." She tried breathing calmly.
"What's wrong?" Cass' voice was getting closer.
"I-is there s-someone behind me?"
"Just me now. We're the only ones here. Why?"
"O-okay."
"Do you need to talk?" Cass asked, pulling the food off the small burner.
"I-have you ever been u-unable to breathe?"
"Yeah. I have a heart problem. Good ol' Dad gave it to me."
"I feel like that. A lot. Like, I'm the only one here, when I know that's not true. I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean, alone, and there's no one to save me. I feel like..." She stopped to think and had to dab her sweatshirt sleeve at her eyes, "I know you're all here for me, you're all...here. But it's like I'm far away, unable to reach anyone. I take a step forward, and so does everyone else. I'm unable to close the gap between us, and maybe, if I can get out of the ocean, maybe if I can just reach the shore to rest my tired head, someone will find me. And I'll be able to breathe again."
Cass regarded her comment in silence. She hadn't realized she meant depression, or loneliness; she legitimately thought of her heart problem. Maybe that was selfish of her. Maybe that was why she couldn't quite understand.
"I'm...sorry. I don't know what to say."
"It's okay. It's not your fault."
"I know," she mumbled, "but...I wish I could help."
"I...sometimes, I don't want help."
"Well what do ya –"
The balcony door opened, the baby cried and Harley looked around as though expecting more to happen. She expected Arcade to greet her, not Craig and Kennedy. Not Veronica. She wanted Arcade, and she knew that wouldn't happen. Not anymore.
"Harley, are you gonna...you know, get Isaiah?" He asked.
She stared unblinkingly at the fridge door, her eyes full of tears and burning. Cass put a hand on her shoulder, and Harley flinched back. It wasn't like she was like this all the time...just sometimes. It was like she would be fine one moment, and the next she was afraid of her own shadow. Cass couldn't blame her – she had been through a lot more than most.
Everyone was staring at Harley, and the baby stopped his wailing. Kennedy was attached to Harley's leg, staring up at her expectantly, but all she could do was slide down the cool metal wall and cry.
There was the ocean she had been so familiar with. It's blanket of cold water and old blood was beginning to become all too familiar with her. But no matter how familiar, it didn't make it better – no, it was worse. She wanted so badly to just be alone. She wanted so badly to have everyone flock to her. But instead, she shook and cried with Kennedy wrapped too tightly in her arms like a security blanket.
From this angle, it appeared as though the Legate had already won.
