A/N. My friend Xero Prime informed me that angst to me is like cocaine to Sherlock Holmes. I agree. If that meant nothing to you then please do yourself a favor and actually read some real writing. Not just this pointless story that has control over me right now. Anyway, like I said, Kendall has issues that need to be resolved. I don't own anything.
To everyone's relief, Logan was sent home from the hospital the very next day with strict instructions to rest. Doctor Walsh had been afraid of another infection but when he saw how much better Logan had looked in the morning he untimely decided that Logan would be better off in his own bed at home than in the noisy hospital. The boys had returned to Palm Woods all exhausted and had collapsed in their rooms to catch up on their lost sleep.
Kendall, James, and Carlos eventually work up in the middle of the afternoon and remembering Logan's words the night before, they left him under the care of Mrs. Knight and Katie. They walked slowly down to the Palm Woods pool where they had seen the girls hanging out. The day was warm and sunny even though it was only the first of January but the pool was empty since the majority of Palm Woods residents were still resting after the long night.
"Where were you?" Camille demanded as soon as they came in sight. "It's Logan isn't it? Is he okay?" Her face was pale and anxious. Dark circles rested under her eyes from the obvious lack of sleep. "Jo told me you guys were going out on a triple date and you never showed up." She looked at James for an explanation.
James gently pulled free from Julie's relieved embrace and gave Camille a quick hug. "He's okay." He said, forcing a tired smile. "He got pretty sick last night and we took him to the hospital just in case. But they sent him home today and he's resting right now."
"He's not alone is he?' Camille asked in concern. "What are you guys doing down here? He can't be alone. You should have just called one of us and-"
"Camille." Carlos put a hand on her shoulder. "Kendall's mom and Katie are there with him now. He's not alone. We're here because we wanted to apologize for not calling you girls last night. Things got out of control and no on really thought of actually doing it until it was late."
"It was New Year's Eve." Stephanie reminded him. "We were up until about three. Besides even if it was just a normal night we would have been up. We were worried about you guys."
Kendall sighed. "We know. And we're sorry for making you worry. Logan was right. Last night he said that we've been neglecting you girls and our other friends. He wants us to spend more time with you." He tightened his arm around Jo and tried to smile. "So, here we are. Do you want to hang out for a couple of hours?"
Jo stood on tip toe to kiss her boyfriend. "Are you sure?" She asked softly.
The boys nodded reluctantly. They all wanted to be with Logan but he was right. It was ridiculous of them to hang out at the apartment when he was sleeping when they could be with their other friends. But their worry kept them connected to Palm Woods even when they were out.
Camille watched the three couples uncomfortably. She shook off their attempts to get her to join them. "No, I'll just be in the way. You guys should go on a real date. I'll go hang out with Mrs. Knight and Katie." She smiled and before anyone could protest any further, she headed up to the apartment.
"Camille," Mrs. Knight greeted the young actress with a tired smile. A small grin flicked on the corners of Katie's mouth then disappeared. "Logan's awake." Kendall's mother told her. "I'm sure he'd love to see you."
"Thank you." Camille whispered as she walked down the hallway to Logan's room. She knocked on the open door then stepped inside. Logan was sitting in his bed with a book in hand but at the sound of her knock, he set the book down and greeted her with the smile she loved so much.
"Hi, Camille."
It was always so good to hear his voice. To hear him say her name. He was pale and tired looking but when he smiled it almost seemed to her that everything would be okay. "Hi, Logan." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?'
Logan shrugged. "A lot better than last night, that's for sure. Sorry no one called. It was kind of. . . crazy."
"That's what Carlos said." Camille told him. "Kind of anyway. He said something about how things got out of control. Is everything okay?" She expected him to say that they were all okay. That last night had just been a bad night but everything was back to normal now. She expected reassurance because Logan gave it out like it was his job. He always had something positive to say. He always managed to bring hope into a conversation. But even Logan wasn't able to fix everything.
He frowned. His dark eyes clouded over slightly as he thought of last night's events. "I'm worried about, Kendall." He finally admitted to Camille. "He hasn't been acting like himself for the longest time. But it's more subtle than Carlos and James. When Carlos was depressed everyone knew because he stopped talking and he stopped laughing. When James was depressed he stopped caring about the way he looked and pretty much everything else."
Camille nodded. Of the four boys, James and Carlos had always been the easy ones to read.
Logan sighed and went on. "But with Kendall it's different. He's still trying to the the strong leader for us. He's been trying to pull us up and keep us together but there's something else. There's something else he won't tell anyone. I've been trying to figure it out myself because I know getting him to tell me will be like pulling teeth. He's so stubborn. He thinks that because he's the leader he's not allowed to fall apart or whatever. It's frustrating."
Camille listened quietly as Logan told her his fears. He had come so far. He had always tended to keep everything close to him. He had never been so open. Now he talked about his mother and his father and his friends. They had all grown. It hadn't been easy though. She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the forehead. "Well, if I know you, Kendall won't have very long before he spills. You'll bring him back. You always do."
The next day was warmer. Though January was just starting the weather outside would have been considered springlike in many other states. People had recovered from the New Year and the pool was full. Some kids even had a volley ball game going on in the shallow end and out of the pool, in the shade, a small group of teenaged guys tossed a football around.
"Come on, guys." Logan pleaded. "It's a beautiful day outside. Too nice to be in here."
"Logan, you should be resting." James argued. But his resolve was weakening by the second as he watched Logan look longingly outside then turn back to them.
"Yes. Resting. Not cooped up in my room when it's insanely gorgeous outside on January second. That's more like prison." As usual, Logan had an argument for everything. And when he brought up the fact that he felt like he was in prison, the boys finally caved.
"Fine." Kendall said reluctantly. "But we'll drive to the park okay? No walking." He folded his arms and refused to give into Logan anymore.
Logan brightened. "Sounds fair to me." Of course he'd rather walk. But he had already pushed his luck as far as it would go without breaking anything. Besides, though he felt much better, he didn't feel good enough to walk to the park and then walk home.
"Sweet!" Carlos proclaimed. "Let's go to the park!" He slung an arm around Logan's shoulders and before James or Kendall could blink, the two were gone.
James rolled his eyes. "We'd better go before Logan convinces Carlos to run on ahead. I can't believe he pulled the prison card."
Kendall couldn't help but laugh. "He must be pretty desperate. I never thought he would say something to make us feel guilty enough to give in. I can't blame him though. Let's go." He grabbed Logan's jacket off the back of a kitchen chair as they passed. Just in case.
The sun felt warm and welcoming as James and Kendall stepped outside. To their relief, Logan and Carlos were standing by the side of the pool, talking with little Tyler. James laughed to see the young boy hiding behind one of the plants so his mother couldn't find him. He ducked as his mother rushed over to Carlos and Loan who both pointed vaguely in the direction she had just come.
Instead of rushing off at once however, Tyler's mother paused to say something to the boys before patting Logan on the cheek and leaving them in a rush. Even from where James and Kendall stood, they could see the blush heat up Logan's cheeks. He reached up to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.
"Heads up!"
An alarmed cry suddenly sounded above all other noises around the pool area. Logan looked up just in time to see a football spiraling straight towards him and Carlos. He ducked, the ball missing his face by inches and instead catching him in the shoulder. He stumbled backwards, realizing too late that he had stepped into empty air. Then, he landed with a splash in the Palm Woods pool.
Logan hadn't been in the pool for months. Though the air outside was warm, the pool was cooler than he had expected. But it felt amazing all the same. However, he had about two seconds to enjoy the sensation before Carlos was right beside him, apparently convinced that he was in dire need of rescue. The instant his head broke the surface all Logan wanted to do was sink back down.
It had gone completely silent except for someone, Logan was pretty sure it was Kendall, yelling. The pool volleyball game had come to an abrupt halt and everyone was staring at him with wide eyes. Carlos dragged him over to the side where James promptly lifted him out and set him on the concrete surface.
Kendall was livid. He was in the face of the poor guy who had the misfortune of throwing the ball and was yelling so loudly that to Logan's dismay, people were poking their heads out of their apartment windows and looking out in curiosity.
"What is your problem? He just got out of the hospital yesterday and you're throwing a football at him?"
Matthew Bryant was a nice guy. So were his three friends. In many ways they had reminded Logan of him and his own friends. They were nowhere near as close, having only know each other for their high school years. But it was rare that someone saw less than two of them in the same place. They were jocks but they were nice jocks. Matthew was his high school's starting quarterback for his entire school career and when the senior class graduated that spring, Matthew would have his pick of colleges to go to. Now though, a simple accident had roused Kendall's anger, making Matthew look very tiny in comparison. "I'm-"
"Were you trying to put him back in the hospital? What kind of throw was that? You're supposed to be getting scholarships to any college you want because of that arm. What happened there?"
"It wasn't supposed to go that far." Matthew swallowed and finally managed to speak. "It was supposed to go right to Tony and Aaron came up behind me and I had to get rid of it fast."
"So you threw it at Logan."
Logan shook of Carlos' and James' worried hands and stood up himself. "I'm fine." He said to everyone around him. "A little water never hurt anyone. But Kendall needs to chill before someone actually gets hurt." He walked over to where Kendall was and yanked him back.
"Logan, just give me a second okay?" Kendall tried to pull free but Logan only tightened his grip.
"Calm down, Kendall. I'm fine. No one got hurt and no one needs to be hurt. It was an accident." Logan tugged on Kendall's arm and was relieved when Carlos and James came to back him up.
"Yeah, man." Carlos shook his head. He stepped in between Kendall and Matthew, looking extremely vulnerable in the middle of the two taller boys. "Logan's fine. He's just a little wet. Let's take him upstairs and-"
"He's not just a little wet. He's soaked. And how do you know he's fine?" Kendall challenged. "He doesn't even know when he's fine himself."
"Logan, I'm really sorry." Matthew took the opportunity of Kendall being distracted by Carlos and spoke to Logan. "I honestly didn't mean to. I forgot that you-"
"You forgot that he's sick?" Kendall asked in disbelief. "What the heck is wrong with you? How could you forget? He spent New Year's Eve in the hospital for crying out loud."
James and Carlos had started in surprise too at Matthew's words. They looked angry but they were still too busy trying to pull Kendall away to say anything. Logan had pulled his jacket that Kendall was holding out of his friend's arms and put it on. Already he was feeling better. He stopped and stared at Matthew.
"You really forgot?" He asked softly. But his words weren't filled with anger like Kendall's were. He looked almost happy.
"Yeah." Matthew sighed. "I don't know why. But you looked normal, Logan. Like there's nothing wrong with you. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise. Are you okay?"
He was clearly upset enough without Kendall making him feel worse so Logan gave Kendall a gentle shove back to the apartments and smiled at Matthew. "It's no big deal. Really. I'm absolutely fine. I promise. Don't worry." He was relieved when Matthew finally relaxed and returned his smile. "Now if you'll excuse us I need to get out of these wet clothes and try to calm Kendall down."
James had Kendall under control so Carlos was waiting to walk with Logan back to the room. He eyed Logan with concern. "Are you really okay?" He lowered his voice so that only Logan could hear.
"Yes." Logan nodded. "I'm fine. Just a little wet and cold. Thanks for jumping in after me." He smiled slightly.
Carlos blushed. "I know you probably would have been fine on your own. But for a minute there I was too scared to think of anything else but getting you out."
"It's okay, Carlos." Logan told him. "I would have done the same exact thing."
Carlos smirked. "You can't always be the one saving people, Logan. Sometimes you have to be saved yourself."
Logan threw an arm around Carlos' damp shoulders. "I know I always have you guys watching my back."
Logan watched Kendall pretend to read a book. He hoped James never got them dragged into an acting gig. Kendall would be awful at it. He hated to read anyway so why was he pretending to? It might have been more convincing if he was watching a hockey game or. . . anything but reading. "I think you should apologize to Matthew." He blurted out.
Predictably, Kendall looked up and glared at him. "Why should I?" He spat the words out.
Logan rolled his eyes. "Gee, I don't know. Maybe because you practically bit his head off this morning?"
Kendall let his book fall to the floor and he stood up. "That was after he tried to take your head off with a football and knocked you into the pool and almost sent you back to the hospital after you just got home the day before."
"That was a run-on sentence if I ever heard one." Logan laughed shortly and shook his head. "What would you English teacher say?" His grin faded and he turned serious. "Kendall," He said so softly that Kendall wouldn't have heard him if he hadn't be listening. "Kendall, I need to talk to you, okay?"
At his words, Kendall shifted uncomfortably. Carlos and James had run out to the mall. Carlos because he felt that he needed a sugar fix and James because he had suddenly discovered that he had been out of hair products for a month. His mother and Katie were nowhere to be seen. It was just him and Logan and he knew that without anyone else around, Logan would break down the wall he had so carefully built and do away with his charade. And it would hurt.
When Kendall didn't respond Logan bit his lip. He certainly didn't want to force him into anything but he was being so hard headed and impossible. "Kendall?"' He pleaded. "I need you to talk to me. I can talk all I want but this is about you so it's only going to work if you talk back." He took a deep breath and went on. He didn't know if Kendall would talk. But he could try.
"Kendall, you're one of my best friends. For as long as we've known each other you've always been there for me. For all of us. You're were always the leader and the protector. We all felt safe when you were by our side. You've never let us down. Until the other night."
Kendall flinched visibly. "How did you know?" He whispered.
Logan looked irritated but tried to hide it. "I'm not that stupid, Kendall. I saw the way you all looked when you came in my hospital room the other night. You all looked awful but in different ways. James looked like he was going to break any minute and from the way you kept looking at him like you felt guilty, it was pretty obvious that you. . . had a discussion while you were waiting."
"You could say that." Kendall groaned. "I was scared and angry at so much and I took it all out on James. I told him that I wanted to hurt him. Physically." He paused when Logan's eyes widened. "That's not even the worst part, Logan." He added miserably. "I compared him to your father."
"Kendall, please tell me that you're joking." Logan felt sick when he heard Kendall's confession. He had never imagined that what had happened to his friends the other night had been that bad. "Why?" He asked when Kendall didn't try to take back his words. "Why would you say something like that? James is nothing like my dad."
"I know." Kendall put his head in his hands. "It just came out. I was so angry at him for what he said to you that-"
Logan cut in. "What he said to me is nothing compared to what you said to him, Kendall. His words came out because he was worried about me and because he was right. I was being stupid. I'll forget about them. I've already forgotten about them. But James? James is never going to be able to forget what you said to him. That was cruel, Kendall."
Logan's words were harsh. But his voice was gentle. Still Kendall felt like he had been slapped. Logan almost never criticized anyone. When he did though, it was always well deserved. So Kendall braced himself Logan to finish.
"You hurt James when he needed you the most. He was scared and confused because of what happened. He needed you to be the leader you always have been and you let him down. You failed." Logan hated himself for every word that slipped from his mouth. But it was the only way to get Kendall to talk. "You failed, Kendall. That tells me one thing. That right now, you can't be the leader. You can't be strong right now. Because you've been the strong leader for us for months now. At some point you had to crash and that's what happened the other night. Kendall, I appreciate how you've tried to keep it together for us. But we all would have been better off if you let yourself be weak for once. Because you tried to keep it together for so long that when you finally snapped you weren't the only one who got hurt. You hurt James and I'm pretty sure that Carlos didn't enjoy it either."
Tears had started to run down Kendall's face and Logan almost backed down. But he was so close to breaking through his friend's barrier that he pushed one last time. "What is it, Kendall? What's your problem? What have you been keeping inside of you? There's something. Something that you're afraid to tell anyone else. What is it?"
Kendall choked on a sob and Logan couldn't handle it anymore. He hugged Kendall while he cried. "Please tell me." He begged. "I need to know."
Unexpectedly, Kendall pulled away. "You wanna know what's wrong? I think you're going to die that's what's wrong. All this time when Carlos has been impossibly optimistic and everyone else has been hopeful I've been convinced that you are going to die. I've pretended to believe the doctors when they say that you're getting better. I've pretended to believe you when you say you're feeling good. But I've been lying all this time because I really believe that you're going to die, Logan. And it scares me. I don't want to think like that."
Logan sat in disbelief. He had never expected Kendall to admit that he thought he was going to die. That was so unlike Kendall. He wasn't overly optimistic or overly pessimistic. He was in the middle. He never took sides. But with something like Logan's cancer, Logan had at least thought that Kendall would hope. "You think I'm going to die?" He asked. "Even now?"
"Yes." Kendall was broken. "I think you're going to die. I hardly ever see you anymore, Logan. I see Death instead."
Logan couldn't complain. He had gotten to the bottom of Kendall's feelings like he had wanted to. But what lay beneath was so ugly and sickening that Logan wished he had never pushed so much. "Kendall," His voice broke. "Is it that bad?"
"Is what that bad? It is that bad watching you sleep fifteen hours a day? Is it that bad seeing you throw up whenever you eat? Is it that bad seeing my best friend practically disappear because he's lost so much weight? Is it that bad seeing you throw up blood or die? It's worse, Logan. It's worse than you could ever imagine. You know how I said a while ago that I wish it was me who was sick? There are two reasons for that. One is that I don't want to lose you because you're one of my best friends. The other reason is because I can't stand to watch you suffer. It hurts way to much. I'm selfish because I'd rather you see me suffer."
Logan ran his hand through his hair. "Why didn't you say anything?" He asked sadly. "Kendall, you can't deal with something like that on your own. It's too much. You're only eighteen. You have your friends and your family and we all care about you."
Kendall shook his head. "But I can't tell them that I think you're going to die." He said tearfully. "They'll hate me. I'm supposed to-"
"Kendall, forget that you're 'supposed' to be the leader. Forget that you're 'supposed' to be the strong one and remember that you're a human being and that you're not like perfect just like the rest of us." Tears were falling down Logan's face as he pulled Kendall into another hug but he managed a smile. "Carlos told me something earlier today. He told me that I can't always be the one saving people. He said that sometimes I have to let someone save me. He was right. But you need to do the same thing. Let us save you, okay?"
Kendall nodded and Logan felt his body go limp with relief. "Thanks, Logan." His voice was muffled against Logan's shoulder.
Logan tightened his grip as if he could take Kendall's pain away and take it on himself. "Thank you, Kendall."
A/N. Two chapters in a row that I've lost control of. Silly me. I hope everyone liked it. If you did reviews would be awesome. I had a really lousy day today and they'd mean a lot to me right now. I will say that this story has two more chapters left in it. I know. I'm going to cry. A lot. But it needs to end before it starts dragging. Anyway, I will post C54 as soon as possible which, judging from my schedule next week, won't be until Wednesday. In the meantime, like I said, reviews would be awesome. I love you all!
