A/N: I know, it's been forever. I'm bad. But I'm here now. Just know I plan on finishing this thing. We've gone too far to stop now! I mean… 100,000 word mark today! That's like my dream of dreams.

Beware of dramatic monologue. And unchecked grammar. Yeah.


Chapter 51

Azula was surprised at how much Zuko had begun to look like their father. His face seemed longer, his cheekbones, nose, and chin sharper… stronger. That flustered pouting face that always edged on the corner of her mind it seemed was completely gone now. Somehow Azula expected that the next time she'd lay eyes on him he'd be like he was in their childhood. She expected girlish whining and naïve slow blinks. She wanted that. Instead she got another childhood face.

There was something else- something beyond the constraints of simple maturity and genetics that linked them so implicitly in her mind. It wasn't the long pompous robes of a Fire Lord, his now much longer hair, or even the supposed "je ne sais quoi" of his post. It was more in the way his already thin lips were stretched thinner, the matte look of make-up beneath his drawn and squinting eyes, and the way his breathing shallowed as if he were sleeping.

He looked tired.

It must be a lot of work being Fire Lord, especially a "just" one. Papers to sign, angry citizens to sate. Azula had heard that unsurprisingly the Fire Nation was on the brink of a civil war. People looked to their former beloved leader looked away in prison then balked at the men who put him there. There were factions forming, rumors of assassination attempts, and even rouge governors within the Fire Nation who burned nationwide decrees in front of applauding civilians.

Azula had always seen her brother like some sniveling little girl. He was sensitive. He couldn't handle being pushed too hard. A man like him wasn't built to handle the pressures of leadership. At the first roadblock he'd run crying to Mai and ask her to make it all better. But… their father had always looked just as tired and was always just as burdened maybe even more so.

That man in front of her didn't look like the boy she recognized as her brother. They'd never gotten to see one another grow up and were both caught in their childish expectations of one another. Azula expected her little Zuzu to run crying into the corner, and well she could only assume Zuko expected her to be everything she was as a child. He was her brother and he knew nothing about her past the age of eleven.

Zuko's meandering eyes scammed the apartment with scrutiny, making how pointedly he avoided look any where near Azula all the more prominent. He complimented the way the main room had been moved around since last he'd been their, told Ty Lee he liked the way she was wearing her hair, and hugged their Uncle more times than explicitly necessary. All things to make it seem more and more like he didn't want to talk to Azula.

Inevitably Zuko's beady little eyes landed on her. His cheery talkative demeanor faded into a sheepish half smile that Azula had seen a million times before.

"You look like Mother." He stated simply.

Azula laughed before she could stop herself. "You look like Father."

Her voice sounded oozy and warm in her ears. She was mad at Zuko wasn't she? She hated him! He single-handedly destroyed all of her hopes and dreams. Why then couldn't she summon the anger she was supposed to be feeling?

Zuko stepped closer to her, his arms spread wide unconsciously baring his palms on hands that looked knobby and decrepit. He looked passive as always. Sweet, peaceful, and effeminate.

"How are…you know, things?" he muttered breathily. Always such uncertainty and awkwardness in his voice- especially when talking to her. It's like her expected her to bite him.

Azula was about to say "How the hell to you think things are?" when Ty Lee's warm little fingers locked into her own with a gentle squeeze drawing her attention away immediately. Azula's brain immediately switched gears. Things were awkward enough without them having to have that conversation.

She jerked her hand away from Ty Lee a little too forcefully in a reflexive panic causing her to stumble on her feet and almost fall flat on her face in front of everyone.

"Things are great!" Uncle interjected amongst the clatter laying a wide palm on Azula's back. "My niece is a little worker bee. Sun up to sun down. I've never had such clean counter tops or orderly cabinets. Even does all my taxes. Can't cook or make tea, of course, but neither could you."

"What? You always said you liked my tea." Zuko stuttered breaking the long strange stare he had fixed on Azula. "You called me the best tea-maker in the shop."

"Oh? Well, it must be true then." Uncle smiled a big cheesy grin. "Forget what I said."

Mai rolled her eyes, and sat impassive manner at their rickety wooden table, propping her head up on her elbows. "No, it's true. Your tea tastes like ash." She held a long stare with Zuko like a playful kitten with her claws out, before turning nonchalantly to Uncle. "It'd be nice if you could make us something, Iroh. That is if you don't mind."

"Ooohhh!" Ty Lee wiggled happily. "Wouldn't orange blossom tea be just perfect?"

"Ah, Miss Ty Lee, I believe you're right." He nodded to her in a conspiratory manner as they scuttled off to browse through Uncle's endless cabinets of tea ingredients.

That left Azula alone with Zuko and Mai. Out of all the people in the would she could only think of one she would want to be with less, no matter how nicely those two were playing their cordial games.

Zuko and Azula sat down in quick order after Mai sent them a withering glance that did more than ordering them ever could. Zuko sat huddled impossibly close to her on one side and Azula tried to center herself on the other. Everything was dead silent. No one wanted to be the first one to talk. It was nice when they had Iroh and Ty Lee there. They were talkative.

Azula wondered what it was like when they had dinner at the palace- two drab and silent people like Mai and Zuko. Maybe they'd talk about politics or the latest gossip around the noble circles. Maybe they'd chew their food to the sounds of large bowled spoons clinking at the bottom of soup bowls and the hard snap of pure ivory chopsticks. That's how it'd been long ago when her family had eaten dinner together. Of course their father hadn't been Fire Lord then.

It occurred to her that Mai and Zuko probably didn't have dinner together ever. Azula, Ty Lee, and Uncle spent almost every meal huddled around the same small table. Ty Lee would steal off of everyone's plates, Azula would pretend it bothered her and meticulously separate every different food into sections on her plate, and Uncle would eat like a horse pausing every once and a while to enjoy a cup of tea the way only he knows how.

Of course, the three of them had nothing but time. Zuko had meetings and papers and endless amounts of official things to handle day-in and day-out. Having a nice little dinner with his fiancée would have been out of the question. Being Fire Lord means that your main responsibility is to the Fire Nation. Being a human being comes second. Doing what he wants comes second.

A long time ago the only thing Azula wanted was to become Fire Lord. As early as she could remember that goal had been instilled into her brain. But she wanted other things too. She wanted to sleep in on Sundays, take her time eating a slice of delicious raspberry angel food cake, and maybe even read a book every once and a while. Most of all she just wanted to lounge around with Ty Lee when in was cold out, or waste hours in bed with her half-naked and just talking about silly things.

Azula wondered about Mai and Zuko. She wondered about what kind of idiotic martyr he was trying to be. Wasn't he supposed to care about Mai? Didn't he want to be around he always? How could he be happy?

"I'm glad I never became Fire Lord." Azula's voice sliced through the silence and awkwardness like a knife. Her eyes became sharp and haughty as she scanned over Zuko's stunned face.

Azula's palm itched. Her mouth felt dry. She felt wrong and right all mixed up in a ball.

"At the time-" She cleared her throat. "At the time I thought it was the only thing I could do. I thought I would be a wonderful Ruler, and the power would feel great. But I'm selfish. I have no misconceptions about that. And I think that as Fire Lord you- Zuko- will be very unhappy. You'll never get to see your wife or children, things will constantly be demanded of you, and you'll die with nothing but a name.

"I used to think that would be a good thing." Azula's mouth was moving without her now. As soon as the thought appeared in her head it was coming out of her mouth, surprising even her. "If you have no name, if you've done nothing at all, then how do you know that you've even existed? Life shouldn't be measured in leaps and bounds- it shouldn't be about where you were when you died. Life is only life if it's lived personally. It's only life if you collect all the human things- all the love and happiness and torment and become something more- something inexplicable and divine and just… human."

Azula laughed smoothly. Her head felt light, her mind felt clear. She felt electric, for days, for months, just on fire. What point was there in trying to be anything else? She liked her self, and Ty Lee, and even Uncle some of the time. This was heaven. This was what she wanted. Being some famous lord seemed so small in comparison. Sometimes things didn't have to be so incredibly complicated. Some times life was apple butter and bagels, sweet bread and candy.

"I want to be- I want to exist now, not when I'm dead. I don't want to do great things. I don't want to help people. I want to feel and scream and curse it all." Azula said finally as she threw her head back to look at the ceiling with a wistful sense of awe. "I want… to be happy."