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Authors Note: I've been waiting DAYS to upload this because I couldn't log in!
. . .
#Aodrenn:
Yes, the absolute best and thank you for the long comments! I love that you're taking the time to not only read my story but to express your thoughts like that – thank you again! Ha, can you imagine an angry Lily Potter? These are some good points.
Wow, no wonder people get confused learning other languages… I hope you're not offended if I leave it as it is.
#Onyx:
Lol, don't be a scaredy cat! I love hearing all your theories before uploading a chapter because you guys think of different stuff that could make the chapter that little bit more exciting!
#mylittlehazmat:
Omg, I can totally see him being afraid of McGonagall. Who wouldn't be intimidated by our adorable queen of ultimate shade. Thank you for the appreciation of duels, I know that when I read stories, some people get so caught up in the physical descriptions of what happens that they sometimes miss an opportunity for character growth. I adopt the same principle when I write the Quidditch scenes too, so I shall continue in the style seeing as it works so well. Hmm, your thoughts on Minerva are interesting. I will certainly keep that in mind, but don't be surprised if it comes much later in the story.
#WereBunny87:
Thank you :D
#Tlcatlady:
Ah, yes the drama. I love writing drama – if just fills me with such joy! It's interesting you say that about his Boggart and you certainly aren't the first person either. I'll be honest, I just don't see him being that straight forward and I think you'll see what I mean in this chapter.
#Vinetta-Venture:
Welcome, welcome! I'm so happy you're enjoying the story, and welcome to the Snarry ship! I have another story if you like this one, it's called 'Broken', if you want some smushy, fluffy goodness whilst you wait on updates for this. Now, I must say that I don't claim to be an expert on PTSD, but I try and create various things that would be relatable. Anyway, thank you for your comment and I hope you enjoy this update.
. . .
Harry and Hermione had every intention of heading up to their Defence classroom but the Slytherin knew that the door would be locked and if caught, could mean dire consequences for him. Well, his friend too, but he was thinking something along the lines of a little more personal. Never the less, when he found himself in his Professor's private rooms after dinner, he committed to asking permission, something he believed wouldn't be denied, he was sure of it. But more on that later, currently he was standing in front of the fire, his arms wound around his Professor's neck, being held close as they leisurely reacquainted with each other.
"If this is my reward for nailing a trauma thing, then I should really be upping my game." Harry breathed, been giving a reprieve from their oral exploration.
"You certainly surprised me, I was concerned that I would be mopping up pieces of Harry Potter's blood and bones off the walls." Severus replied bluntly, which caused Harry to pause as he went for another kiss and pull back.
"You wouldn't have…"
"We will never know." Severus moved and pressed his lips lightly to the corner of Harry's mouth, "Enough celebrating, back to serious matters."
"I'm not even sure I know what entirely happened. There is a blank part of leading up to stopping the curse where I thought I was being spoken to, the voices… But then I think I summoned my patronus?"
"Yes, I had wondered where that came from." Severus commented, pulling gently on Harry's robes and directing them to the couch.
"I did hear some voices, the usual ones, and there was a bit with Seamus," Harry shuddered at the mention of his classmates name, "But then I felt this positive presence appear from somewhere and that's when I saw my patronus. Is it possible to have conjured it simply by being pushed into action?"
"Your magic has always been strong, Harry. I was particularly interested in testing out your new limits with this new wand and I was not disappointed. There is something I must show you also, I hope that a line has not been crossed, but I reached out to Mr. Ollivander about the story behind your wand. He seemed only happy to provide me with an explanation after explaining to him how you and I are connected currently. Here, you may have his response."
Harry took the parchment and read the almost illegible scrawl and depicted perfectly how old the Wandmaker was, but the words rung a chord with him and nothing was new. Everything had been explained to him at the shop and no surprises had him offended. He wasn't upset with his Professor, the fact he cared enough to do this was still refreshing and he made sure the man knew he was okay by flashing a smile.
"What about it has your interest?" Harry asked, folding the parchment and placing it on the table.
"It is still an early concept, an idea that our wands compliment each other. Nothing to concern yourself over, I had been more interested in working out what my wand meant now that things in life have changed direction."
Nodding, Harry took his Professor's hand and lazily massaged his thumb along the top in circular motions, brushing against the prominent knuckles. There was an interesting reaction his body had to such a simple motion but he didn't dwell on it and simply took in every detail he possibly could. He started at the nails, cataloguing the fact they were trimmed nicely, gently curved and not too long. He traced a finger along the middle digit, lightly moving over two knuckles before ghosting over the large vein that travelled up towards the mans wrist. A light dusting of dark hairs started to appear as he pushed back on the black sleeve but he didn't dare to lift it further and instead turned the hand over to start his journey again, this time on the underside and mapping deep lines.
"Are you quite finished?" Severus mused, his voice curling into Harry's hear, tickling the shell he was that close.
"Sorry… I just found it interesting." Going to move his hand away, it was taken suddenly and his palm turned upwards.
Severus pressed a gentle kiss to the heel of Harry's palm, twice actually, as he placed another one closer up the wrist but not going any further. He saw the younger Wizard blush at this and decided he would stop, judging by the time it was just as well and he resigned himself to saying goodnight to his student. When they got to the door, Harry leaned against it with a coy smile, both hands in his pockets and not intending on budging any further. Severus didn't particularly want to play games tonight and was about to kindly tell the teen to take a hike when his Slytherin spoke first.
"You're still covering Boggarts with the third years?"
"I am."
"And will it still be in your classroom tomorrow after classes?"
"What would you want to know that for?" Severus pursed his lips.
"Well, there was a time where my biggest fear was fear itself. I want to know if this is still the same or if I need to be worried about something else."
Severus took a deep breath and briefly looked at the roof his chambers, then exhaled slowly. It wasn't a terrible inconvenience he supposed, and he was somewhat interested to know what that fear might be also. So, he agreed that he could come after classes and try his hand at getting rid of the blasted demon. Harry tried to get a rise out of him by asking what form the Boggart would take for him but he refused to indulge his green eyed monster and swiftly booted him into the corridor with a smug, goodnight, spoken before shutting the teen into darkness.
. . .
"I'm actually surprised he agreed." Hermione mused, sitting at lunch.
"Well, I mean that would be pretty inconsiderate if he'd said no. He's a teacher after all." Harry frowned, wondering why it was such a big deal, "But a Boggart? I mean it's such a juvenile thing to want to revisit after everything we've encountered."
"You're still going on about that bloody Boggart? I don't see what the attraction is. I've said it once before, I'll say it again – Potter, you have a sick and twisted mind." Draco interjected.
A snort from behind them caught Harry's attention and he saw the sight of black robes snapping behind a certain man who they had just been talking about. So what if it seemed petty, he wanted to know what his fear might be. There seemed to be a few, he could be afraid of spiders or the forest, it might still be a Dementor or could be something bizarre like brussel sprouts.
"I see someone else agrees with me." Draco smirked, having noted their Head of House had followed him to the hall after their brief chat.
"You think what you want, if either of you want to join me, I'll be in the Defence classroom before Madame Pince's study room this afternoon."
He didn't care what they thought, if they weren't going to join him then it was a bonus and he could spend time with his Professor. I wonder what he would be afraid of? Glancing down the hall, he observed the man who seemed to be taking great care in his serving of lunch. Was Professor Snape even afraid of anything? Of course he was, there had to be something. There was so much to the man he didn't know about and it was little things like this that he was curious about, silly he knew, but with so many layers to the Severus Snape onion, he had to start somewhere.
Finally when his classes were finished, Harry walked into his Defence class and found the man sitting behind his desk with a mountain of marking. It seemed to be a never-ending stream of the stuff but like he'd humored himself before, he deserved it when he gave so much out. And that was how his Professor saw him, smiling stupidly in his direction and hanging onto his bag as if away with the faeries.
"Good afternoon, Potter." Severus said, remaining behind his desk.
"Sir." Harry smiled still as he made his way over, but he wasn't ignorant to act on their developing relationship here, this was for educational purposes.
"Alone? I had assumed at least one of your annoying friends would have joined you."
"They think I'm mad, but Hermione had said it was a good idea the other day." He pouted, frowning at something, but it was fleeting and he turned his attention towards the cabinet in the corner.
"In your own time. I will be marking." Severus dipped his quill and continued in his work.
"Aren't you just a little bit curious?" Harry asked warily, looking over his shoulder as he wandered away.
Severus sighed and took a moment to collect himself before he stood and joined his Slytherin in front of the cabinet. Pulling out his wand, he waved it towards the classroom door and the sound of wood hitting stone as it closed echoed through the room. From there, he put both hands on Harry's shoulders and turned them both so they were facing the mirrored cabinet.
"Naturally. Do you need assistance in casting the spell? Let me remind you how it's – "
"I know what to do." Harry snapped, pulling out his own wand.
A deep chuckle dispelled any impending negative thoughts and Harry realised he had been trying to be funny. Well, it was a little funny but he wasn't doing this because he was just bored and curious, what if he was faced with something outside the school and needed to know what his worst fear was? Okay, so that was an exaggeration but his intentions were resolute. Instead of getting upset over his Professor poking fun at him, he took a small step backwards and felt himself press against the man's front. It was completely inappropriate, especially in the classroom but this was the older Wizard's punishment for being mean to him.
Severus would play the game, he leaned close to Harry's ear and let his hands glide down the teens shoulder blades before daring to lightly skim his sides, "Good, let us begin."
Waving his wand towards the cabinet, the door swung open with a gentle creak. Making sure he was safely behind the teen, he ensured there was enough space between them that he wasn't touching in anyway. This needed to be something Harry discovered on his own without persuasion or temptation, but what he saw coming from the cabinet was not what he'd thought at all. His Slytherin was working through his forest and green spell issues, and after getting a new wand, Severus thought that things were going to start getting better for his student. What emerged, only ever so slightly different to the real thing, was Harry. He looked pale and sick, much like when he'd been admitted to the Infirmary after cutting himself; actually, there was red stains along the sleeves… Did this mean that his student was still afraid of himself? He really lacked any solid trust about his abilities that it was now his greatest fear?
"Harry?"
"This isn't what I expected. A Dementor or some forest type setting… But not this."
"What does it make you feel, to see yourself?"
"Sad." Harry replied, lowering his wand in defeat, "I still fear myself."
"A fear of yourself? Or a fear of making the wrong choices?" Severus asked, prompting Harry to look at him, "You have good instincts, Harry. Yes, some of your decisions as of late have been controversial, but I for one believe that your choices are what have saved you."
"You're talking about Seamus now, aren't you?"
"I am. It is clear to see that you still have doubt around your actions. You need to let that go, what's done, is done. If there had of been any doubt in Minerva's mind that you had crossed a line, then you would have been disciplined as well."
"She wasn't impressed, though."
"She has a school to run, students to take care of, and parents to smooth over. Her job is not to make you feel secure or safe about your decisions. That is my job. As your Head of House, your Professor…" Severus stopped and gave his Slytherin a softer expression to convey a third role but left it unspoken.
In the background, the copy of Harry stood there with a blank look on his drained face and Severus eyed it suspiciously, not liking the expression it wore. It was time to have some fun, to get the Boggart into a ridiculous form and back into the cabinet. He couldn't cast the spell, only Harry could and there were several things he thought might be interesting.
"So, how are you going to get rid of your Boggart?" Standing back behind his student, he made sure they were facing it.
"Make an example of it, something silly and outrageous I guess."
Severus smirked, hiding it behind Harry's head so he couldn't see it in the mirror, "I can almost imagine you in rabbit pajamas." He whispered and saw redness grow along his students neck.
"R-Rabbits?" Harry stuttered, feeling highly embarrassed.
Well, if there was anyone he could do that in front of, it would have been Professor Snape, not that it particularly filled him with joy. Was this going to be a weird thing for the man, seeing him in bunny pajamas? Was that him saying he liked to see him in cute clothing? No, he was thinking about this too much, Professor Snape was a serious man who could do with some love and happiness. If he wants to see me wearing something different though… Harry closed his eyes and imagined himself in different outfits. This could be a test of some sorts, tease him a little and see how far the self control went. He could already feel the man's hands itching to brush against his lower back where they were clasped at his front, so why not have a bit of fun.
"Ridikulus."
Harry bit his lip as he saw the version of himself stumble backwards as clothing changed and colours went various shades of grey and black. He remained quiet, trying to focus on what he was doing, when he heard a small gasp that was barely audible. The raggedy robes were replaced with a grey top and bottoms, which had tiny animated black panther heads on them with one larger one on the front of his tee. But it didn't stop there and he suspected the reaction he had gotten was due to the black rounded ears that sat on the top of his head and the black tail that swished behind his impersonator.
Met with silence, Harry frowned and turned his head to see something strange in his Professor's eyes. He was looking down at him with such a raw intensity it made his legs weak, but they didn't touch. Harry wanted to kiss him, the gaze was so fierce that he began fidgeting under it but he knew they wouldn't be able to do anything here, this was a classroom and there were a couple of portraits that would bear witness to the action.
"What are you doing?"
"A-A panther… just s-showing my appreciation, sir." Stuttering and blushing, Harry looked back to the Boggart with the intention of blasting it back into its cabinet when hands pressed against his hips and drew him back.
"You are a cheeky, insubordinate, little brat." The deep whisper caused a shudder to work through Harry's spine.
"So you keep saying."
"And if it weren't for the fact we are in my classroom, I would be doing something about it." Biting the inside of his cheek, Harry remained quiet, "I suggest you come and see me this evening, sort a few things out."
"But it's not Wednesday."
He thought he was being funny, but Severus's tone grew deeper still as he whispered, "I know."
Unable to stop himself, Harry whimpered and let his head roll back against the man's shoulder as his knees wobbled, fighting to keep standing. His Professor was quite clearly seducing him and it seemed almost impossible to not think about pushing the older Wizard back against the desk and kissing him. He did manage to refrain himself however and took a deep breath, swallowing heavily and immediately feeling the loss of warm hands as they slipped off his hips.
"I suggest you make a move, Potter. Madame Pince will not be kind if you are late." Severus managed to crush his desires for now and speak as though he hadn't been affected, but it was tough.
"Shit." Harry looked at the time and realized it had taken longer than he'd thought.
Moving out of the way and darting to the desk in order to retrieve his bag, he hadn't even thought about making sure the Boggart was locked away. As he went to leave, he looked over at the cabinet and to his Professor, who was standing in front of a wide gravestone, his name clearly etched into the black marble. He should be leaving, he needed to get over to the library, but he was rooted for the moment, wondering why on Merlin's green earth Professor Snape was afraid of a gravestone.
"Potter!"
The growl had him jump and flinch simultaneously, before he met black eyes that seemed to be blazing at him. He didn't believe this was being told off, well he hoped not, considering what had happened mere seconds ago, but he knew his place and that meant not to ask questions and to get the hell out of there.
"See you tonight." He tried for a smile, but he knew it was weak and bolted for the door, letting it semi slam on his way out.
When Severus turned back to his Boggart, he sighed and looked down at his shoes. With a flick of his wand and a muttering of the spell, the grave inflated, changing into a black balloon. He poked it with his wand as it floated towards him and quickly shoved it back into its rightful place, hidden away from the world. It was time to get this thing out of his classroom.
Harry was distracted when he slipped into the study room and carefully sat between his friends as to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Both ignored him for the moment but as Harry opened his books and scoured the right section he needed to read, Hermione was slipping him a note.
Well? How did it go?
He turned the parchment over, not wanting to draw attention to himself at that moment when Madame Pince shot him a scathing glance. She knew he had arrived late, but neither said a word before she wandered away and to the other row of tables. Taking his pencil, he penned her a response.
Kitchens. Dinner.
Refusing to acknowledge anything further, he focussed on himself and set to work. Although, it seemed he wouldn't be let off so lightly as his mind raced. Professor Snape knew everything about him, his deepest desires and darkest fears, didn't that mean he was able to get something reciprocal? A large puff exhaled from his nose, no, Professor Snape still likes to think he can keep things bottled up and to himself. Hermione was watching him, he could feel it, but he didn't entertain her by looking up, instead he continued to stew, wondering why his Professor was thinking about gravestones and death.
. . .
"Okay, Harry. What's going on?" Hermione was dragging him into the kitchens and pushed him onto a bench.
"Oh, you know me. I see something, and I have to keep investigating and probing until I've either ruined things or wind up in trouble." He replied, and Hermione deadpanned him.
"Go on."
"What do you think it means if someone's Boggart is a gravestone with their name on it?"
"What?" The Ravenclaw gasped, looking horrified, "Harry!"
"No, it's not what you think. Mine was much more straight forward, it was myself."
Hermione sighed and looked unimpressed, but also understanding, "Harry, I really do worry about you. This is why you shouldn't have done it, now you're going to be worrying about why you saw yourself and overthink until your brain hurts."
"Actually, Professor Snape put a lot of it into context. It's not my Boggart that I'm thinking about."
"Ohh." Realization dawned and the curious, inquisitive expression came forward as a whole chicken was placed in front of them, "So, Professor Snape is afraid of his own death? That sounds odd."
"Right? But it was a huge headstone, room enough for another name." Picking up a leg, Harry bit into it before eyeing up the gravy.
"Hmm, perhaps it's not death he's afraid of. He's a more complex man than that, I think. If you say there was enough room for two names, maybe after everything that's happened, he's realizing that he doesn't want to die alone? Remember, the two of you have technically died already, maybe he has something now that he didn't have before. Or, it could just be that he's wanting to find something but afraid he won't get it before it's too late."
Harry paused with his mouth half open, looking at her in horror.
"What?" She shrugged, as if implying what she'd just said didn't mean anything at all, "Well, yes I suppose it's a little morbid when you think about it. I feel sorry for him actually; he was an awful person when we were younger, but now thinking about him like this makes it seem so human and real. I wonder if he'll ever find someone to spend time with outside of school. You know him better than anyone probably, what do you think?"
"I – uh, well – " He didn't even want to think about anyone else experiencing the Professor Snape he'd had a glimpse of, it hurt.
Hermione raised an eyebrow at her friends floundering but refrained from commenting and instead busied herself with dinner. Harry gave himself some time to think in the quiet that strung between them. He doesn't want to die alone… It sounds so lonely, I don't want him to feel like that. What can I do to make things better? This was such foreign territory, with friends it was easy to make them feel better but he was more than just that with his Head of House. He didn't know if it would be acceptable to try something more intimate between them, or to back off, or stay the same and act like he'd never seen his fears.
"He did mention that he wanted a change." Harry finally said, only eluding to the knowledge that their Defence Professor was going to retire, not that he'd already decided.
"Naturally, he isn't bound to the school anymore like he had been."
"Just don't say anything, please?"
Hermione huffed, "Who am I going to tell?"
"That wasn't my point," Grumbling, he stabbed at his potatoes before deciding it was best to change the subject, "What's going on with Draco?"
Going red and looking down at her plate, Harry felt like he'd received his answer, it was clear she felt something for the blonde Slytherin but until she came out and said it he wasn't going to get involved.
"He told me he liked me, rather bluntly, but it was with good intentions… I think." She admitted, and Harry winced.
"And…? How do you feel?"
"Harry, I don't want this to get in between you and I, or even you and Draco."
"That's not what I asked, and you know it."
Hermione did know what Harry was asking, "Fine, yes I like him too but it's complicated. He's good to be friends with, he's intelligent and confident, but there's a lot of unresolved issues between us from years of harassment and bullying. I don't know if I want to get all caught up in that."
"Well, they do say that if a boy likes a girl, he'll throw sand in their face to show their love."
"You're saying that he's liked me all these years but showed it by calling me a Mudblood and mocking my teeth as well as my intelligence?" She sounded doubtful, but the more she spoke, both of them realised the truth behind it, "Damn."
"Yeap." Harry smiled, finally being able to turn the tables on his best friend and make her suffer just a little.
"In any case, I'm not ready for another boyfriend. Especially one that looks like a slick git and oozes appeal."
"You know you're just digging yourself a hole right now, don't you?"
"Then why don't we change the subject to finding you a man." Harry choked on the pumpkin juice, inhaling rather than swallowing, "Just what I thought."
"Hey, leave my non-existent love life out of this. We were talking about you!"
"And now we're talking about you." She pointed out, bluntly.
Wishing he could shrink down into the floors cracks and disappear, he hid his head and played around with his food, no longer hungry. The last thing he wanted to talk about was his sexuality, only because he'd come to terms with most of it and was exploring with someone he trusted. He didn't want Hermione finding out, everything would turn to hell and she'd probably never speak to him again if he admitted his true fantasies. He could always hope that things would work out, but he wasn't willing to risk it, not tonight, and especially not because in an hour he would be standing outside his Professor's door. The promise of having intimate time with the older Wizard set his body alight with a fever that he knew wouldn't be cured unless he touched something.
"Actually, going back to Draco. Has he mentioned anything about his animagus? I would have thought that it would be sorted by now."
"Oh, that…" Hermione took a deep breath and pushed her plate away, "He wasn't having issues all this time like he'd told us. He stopped seeing Professor McGonagall weeks ago."
"Okay? So, he's managed it, or what?"
"It took a lot of convincing to tell me, trust me when I emphasize that point. He's still annoyed that I managed to wrangle it out of him."
"Hence the tension?" Harry asked and she nodded.
"He was afraid I'd say something."
"What's the issue? Shouldn't we be celebrating the fact that all three of us are now success Animagi?" Harry was confused, what wasn't she tell him.
"You have to promise me you won't say anything to him, not until he's ready to tell you himself. Promise!"
"Okay, okay. Just tell me what the hell is going on." He was getting short tempered.
"You remember when Professor Moody, regardless of the fact he was an imposter, transfigured Draco into a ferret to make an example out of him in the courtyard?"
Harry laughed, "How can I not, it was brilliant and I can remember Ron and I tea – "
"That wasn't just any transfiguration, that was his form." Hermione cut him off and the silence that followed her statement was only broken by the occassional plate banging by the house elves.
Oh.
Harry felt a little bad now after all those years of constant bullying and harrassment at Draco's expense. He knew straight away that if it had been him in that situation, he wouldn't be so keen to show people either. Feeling incredibly guilty at past actions, he too pushed his plate away and then looked off into the distance, focussing on the small elves running around as they prepared for dessert to be delivered into the hall. He wouldn't say anything to his friend about it, when he was ready, then they could talk but this obviously meant something to him.
"I won't say anything."
"Well, now you know." She replied, her eyes lighting up when she saw the strawberry ice cream.
When it was time to see his Professor, Harry fare welled Hermione, who had a strange twinkle in her eye, but he didn't dwell on it too much and knocked on the wooden door with nervous excitement. As always, the door swung open and he looked wildly around for his Professor, finding him nowhere in sight. Moving forward, he heard noises from the laboratory and with a wry smile, walked over to the door, biting his lip and trying to ignore death.
"Evening, sir." He tried to sound sexy, sultry even.
Severus looked up, feeling an uncomfortable knot in his stomach which was quashed when he laid eyes upon his Slytherin. His hair appeared to be mussed more than usual and the casual manner in which he leant against the doorframe meant he was there for one reason, and one only. The fear of being asked about what happened earlier was gone and he internally chastised himself for having worried over nothing. Typical teenage hormones, only thinking about one thing, he rationalised, raking his eyes over the Slytherin's robes once, before he continued what he was doing. He was happy of course that his youth was setting the prior situation aside for now.
"Good evening, Harry." He responded, keeping his voice levelled.
"What are you doing? Can I help?" Walking into the room, Harry went to his side of the table and brushed their arms together gently as he peered into the cauldron, "What's this?" The liquid appeared clear, almost like Veratiserum.
"A side project, just to pass the time."
"Invention?"
"It is, nothing important." Severus commented, turning off the flame and placing a lid on the concoction before turning to his Slytherin, "Besides, I believe we were getting somewhere this afternoon."
Harry gave him a full megawatt smile and placed his hands-on Severus's biceps as they both leaned toward one another. The moment their lips touched, Harry melted against his Head of House, feeling the stress he'd been holding just disappearing. It was different this time, he couldn't put his finger on it, but there was more confidence coming from the older Wizard and this was proven when a hand brushed against his side and fingers pressed against his lower back, pulling him in.
"Not that I'm complaining," Harry commented, angling his head as his Professor leaned down, "But what happened to waiting?"
Severus paused and pulled his head back, "Because you looked far too adorable in those pajama's."
"Adorable?" Scoffing, Harry went to step away but found that hands held him where he was.
"I'm sure one day we can fashion you a nice tail…" A deep smirk was printed into his face and dark eyes glistened with mischief.
"A t-tail?"
The smirk grew wider as Harry felt himself falling deeper under whatever spell was being used to control his reactions. Though he knew realistically there was no spell, it was simply desire and a willingness to be taken down whatever rabbit hole the man was pushing them towards.
. . .
*smirks*
